Seamus just stared at her blankly now, biting into the inside of his cheek as he listened, watched her fumble and try to reason with him as if all of this was actually all her fault all along. If he didn't close himself off then he was going to crumble, pull her back into his arms and this whole thing would have been pointless.
It was going to be better for them both to change directions, set some boundaries in their friendship - even if it meant taking some time off completely. He needed to stop falling into these patterns, undefined relationships messing with his head and keeping him from moving forward.
If he was going to make a choice it was going to be this one.
It was more than clear already who she had chosen.
"What, so my owls go unanswered and our movie nights are for nothing?" he asked her, an edge to his voice again but he just couldn't help it.
He would feel guilty later, knowing just how deeply she could sink into own patterns. But he wasn't that person that she had turned to and he wasn't going to apologize for having his own life, for not charging into the castle (where he hadn't stepped foot in since their seventh year), and trying to save the day over a few unanswered letters.
"He must have gotten the idea from somewhere that you 'can't talk to your friends'-"
Her shoulders sagged, her body sort of curving in on itself as she stood there, once again feeling utterly defeated. It seemed like everything she said angered him more, the bite and edge to his tone growing progressively more intense every time he spoke. She sucked in a breath, her eyes catching sight of the floor as she tried to steady the rapid beating of her heart in her chest.
"He sees things differently than I do-" she said quietly.
Which was true. Zacharias, as much as he might try, wouldn't be able to see everything the way she did- the fear she felt in actually talking about what was wrong with her- if only because saying it aloud made it true.
And she wasn't sure she was ready for that just yet.
It made her feel weak and pathetic and not at all the woman she had worked so hard to become, to seem like to everyone else. She was the one who fought in the Inter-House Tournament and almost won. She was the one who joined the Order and fought on the front lines. The one who had completely re-vamped the Potions program at Hogwarts.
But she was also the one who could hardly make it out of bed some mornings. The one who felt like crying all the time.
"I haven't talked to anyone, alright? He just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time," she admitted. Though, really, considering the state she had been in, no matter how embarrassed she still felt, it was really the right place at the right time.
"Well, it doesn't seem like that to me. Seems like the bloke got pretty fucking lucky being there for you-" he said, obvious bitterness in his tone.
Seamus didn't want to say it, he didn't even want to think it, but should have him been him that Marlow had turned to when she got this way. Hell, it had been him for the last ten years at least.
And the one time he couldn't be there for her, for once needing somebody to be the one to reach out to him, he was the shit friend over it.
He was over it.
"But I guess you know how I feel then. You didn't want to talk to me and now I don't really want to talk to you. Guess we're even and all that-"
Marlow hesitated for a moment, his words repeating over and over again in her head, trying to somehow excuse the gross insinuation attached to his words.
"You're acting like a child-" she said, words coming out in a clipped, exasperated tone. "You haven't said one clear, bloody thing since I walked through that door except that you don't like my boyfriend- well guess what, Seamus? He's not going anywhere-"
She sucked in a breath, her head spinning as she finally caught his eye.
"But I guess I am," she said, more quietly now, though her tone was no less firm. "If you can't act like an adult for two minutes then what am I even doing here? I've been apologizing and apologizing trying to get you to stop being mad at me and for what? You're just being cruel-"
She raked her fingers through her hair, feeling frantic at how frustrating this all was.
"I've had one person decide they were done with me, I guess I can handle another-"
She wrapped her jacket more tightly around her body as she moved toward the door.
Seamus bit into his cheek, so hard this time that the sharp metallic taste of blood fill his mouth and a sharp pain right between the eyes, her words cutting deep.
It was even worse hearing Zachariah's insult falling from her mouth, realizing now that she had been upset with him this entire time for not being there for her. It was even worse that she wouldn't have said anything otherwise, the two of them having to get to this point for the truth to come out.
And it really fucking pissed him off.
Somehow this entire thing got twisted up and put on him, as if he wasn't dealing with any of his own issues.
"You know what, Marlow, that's probably a good idea-" he told her, his words slow and careful as he narrowed his eyes.
There was that blankness creeping in again, a fire building and he just needed her to get out.
"Maybe everything can stop revolving around all your problems now and I can get on with my own life."
Her hand had wrapped around the doorknob, Marlow lingering there, somehow waiting and hoping that maybe he'd apologize or confess what was really going on- that he would just talk to her or that this was all just a weird dream, that everything that had happened at the beer garden- everything here- that it was all just her imagination running wild.
It had done that when things got really bad, Marlow so easily convincing herself that she needed to stay in the castle- that no one needed to see her or hear from her. What good would she be to them anyway? She was a mess. A pathetic disaster. And she'd been terrified of admitting how she felt, how low she'd found herself getting. And it had been easy to fall into it with Lavender getting married and Dean meeting Sabrina and Seamus occupying himself with Orla. Everyone had so easily moved on without her and she was still trailing behind and picking up all the pieces.
But this wasn't a dream.
Because he was saying everything that had haunted her mind for months. The words were there, hanging in the room and she felt as if all the wind had been knocked from her.
"You do that, Seamus-" she said, voice hollow. "You're not going to have to worry about me and my problems anymore, I promise."
And with that, she was gone, pulling open the door and passing through the entrance without a passing glance.
When the door shut behind her Seamus just stood there, watching and staring into space for a very long time, the blood pounding inside of his ears and taking deep breaths.
He already felt a little bit emptier, like a piece of him was missing but he didn't move, didn't go after her to beg forgiveness and sit her down to really explain what was going on.
There might not be any going back from this, his words too hard, but that was what he wanted.
It was going to be better for them both to change directions, set some boundaries in their friendship - even if it meant taking some time off completely. He needed to stop falling into these patterns, undefined relationships messing with his head and keeping him from moving forward.
If he was going to make a choice it was going to be this one.
It was more than clear already who she had chosen.
"What, so my owls go unanswered and our movie nights are for nothing?" he asked her, an edge to his voice again but he just couldn't help it.
He would feel guilty later, knowing just how deeply she could sink into own patterns. But he wasn't that person that she had turned to and he wasn't going to apologize for having his own life, for not charging into the castle (where he hadn't stepped foot in since their seventh year), and trying to save the day over a few unanswered letters.
"He must have gotten the idea from somewhere that you 'can't talk to your friends'-"
Reply
"He sees things differently than I do-" she said quietly.
Which was true. Zacharias, as much as he might try, wouldn't be able to see everything the way she did- the fear she felt in actually talking about what was wrong with her- if only because saying it aloud made it true.
And she wasn't sure she was ready for that just yet.
It made her feel weak and pathetic and not at all the woman she had worked so hard to become, to seem like to everyone else. She was the one who fought in the Inter-House Tournament and almost won. She was the one who joined the Order and fought on the front lines. The one who had completely re-vamped the Potions program at Hogwarts.
But she was also the one who could hardly make it out of bed some mornings. The one who felt like crying all the time.
"I haven't talked to anyone, alright? He just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time," she admitted. Though, really, considering the state she had been in, no matter how embarrassed she still felt, it was really the right place at the right time.
Reply
Seamus didn't want to say it, he didn't even want to think it, but should have him been him that Marlow had turned to when she got this way. Hell, it had been him for the last ten years at least.
And the one time he couldn't be there for her, for once needing somebody to be the one to reach out to him, he was the shit friend over it.
He was over it.
"But I guess you know how I feel then. You didn't want to talk to me and now I don't really want to talk to you. Guess we're even and all that-"
Reply
"You're acting like a child-" she said, words coming out in a clipped, exasperated tone. "You haven't said one clear, bloody thing since I walked through that door except that you don't like my boyfriend- well guess what, Seamus? He's not going anywhere-"
She sucked in a breath, her head spinning as she finally caught his eye.
"But I guess I am," she said, more quietly now, though her tone was no less firm. "If you can't act like an adult for two minutes then what am I even doing here? I've been apologizing and apologizing trying to get you to stop being mad at me and for what? You're just being cruel-"
She raked her fingers through her hair, feeling frantic at how frustrating this all was.
"I've had one person decide they were done with me, I guess I can handle another-"
She wrapped her jacket more tightly around her body as she moved toward the door.
Reply
It was even worse hearing Zachariah's insult falling from her mouth, realizing now that she had been upset with him this entire time for not being there for her. It was even worse that she wouldn't have said anything otherwise, the two of them having to get to this point for the truth to come out.
And it really fucking pissed him off.
Somehow this entire thing got twisted up and put on him, as if he wasn't dealing with any of his own issues.
"You know what, Marlow, that's probably a good idea-" he told her, his words slow and careful as he narrowed his eyes.
There was that blankness creeping in again, a fire building and he just needed her to get out.
"Maybe everything can stop revolving around all your problems now and I can get on with my own life."
There. He'd said it.
He couldn't take it back.
Reply
It had done that when things got really bad, Marlow so easily convincing herself that she needed to stay in the castle- that no one needed to see her or hear from her. What good would she be to them anyway? She was a mess. A pathetic disaster. And she'd been terrified of admitting how she felt, how low she'd found herself getting. And it had been easy to fall into it with Lavender getting married and Dean meeting Sabrina and Seamus occupying himself with Orla. Everyone had so easily moved on without her and she was still trailing behind and picking up all the pieces.
But this wasn't a dream.
Because he was saying everything that had haunted her mind for months. The words were there, hanging in the room and she felt as if all the wind had been knocked from her.
"You do that, Seamus-" she said, voice hollow. "You're not going to have to worry about me and my problems anymore, I promise."
And with that, she was gone, pulling open the door and passing through the entrance without a passing glance.
Reply
He already felt a little bit emptier, like a piece of him was missing but he didn't move, didn't go after her to beg forgiveness and sit her down to really explain what was going on.
There might not be any going back from this, his words too hard, but that was what he wanted.
Wasn't it?
Reply
Leave a comment