SPN RPS: Given and Taken in Ink (3/4) // R // Jared/Jensen

[marishna]

Given and Taken in Ink
Jared/Jensen, R
See the index for a full header.

Part 2



A few days later Jensen arrived at Jared's house looking like shit.

"Hard day?" Jared asked when Jensen slumped onto the couch and kicked off his shoes tiredly.

"You have no idea."

"Never thought pushing papers would be so tiresome," Jared teased, sitting down beside Jensen. He tried to brush Jensen's hair off his forehead but Jensen caught his hand and held it tight.

"I like you Jared," Jensen said suddenly. Jared blinked and felt his stomach drop.

"Okay," he replied slowly, drawing his hand back. Jensen let it go, then sat up and rubbed his eyes.

"I"m freaking you out. Sorry. I just really want you to know that, okay? It's been a shit day with shit people and you're the one good thing in it."

"Right," Jared replied, still confused. "Did something bad happen today?"

Jensen was quiet for a minute before he turned to face Jared fully. "You ever have one of those moments where you realize that you shouldn't be doing what you're doing? Like you missed your calling in life?"

Jared shrugged, then wrinkled his forehead as he thought about it. "I don't think so. I mean, I like what I do, even if sometimes it doesn't always work out the way I want it to."

"You're lucky," Jensen muttered.

"You're just having a bad day, it'll be better tomorrow," Jared tried to reassure Jensen.

"I'm having a bad fucking year," Jensen mumbled to himself. He ran his hand through his hair and shook his head. "But that doesn't matter right now. We should have some supper and find something to do, right?"

"Jensen-"

"Please, Jared. Let's just eat, okay?" Jensen pleaded. Jared nodded even though he was confused. If Jensen was having a bad day the least Jared could do was let him have it. After all, until Jared met Jensen it felt like every day was a bad day for him.

He followed Jensen into the kitchen and pretended nothing was wrong, as Jensen was trying to do even though the stress of the day was clearly written on his face.

~~~

Weeks passed and Jared barely registered them. Summer quickly turned into fall but Jared didn't even realize it until he had to get up in the middle of the night to shut the window because it was chilly.

His days were busy with writing. Jensen woke him in the morning when he got ready for work and either Jared would return home with the dogs for their walk or Jensen would make his way back to his house. There was rarely a night that they didn't spend together. After the morning walk with the dogs Jared felt as if his whole body was restless until he could sit at the computer to work on what was shaping up to be his next novel. If it weren't for Harley and Sadie being constantly underfoot when they needed to go out Jared was sure he would work straight through the day with barely a break for himself.

Often Jared and Jensen would eat together in the evenings, sometimes they'd go out or Sandy would join them. Jared mentioned Jensen should invite some of his friends from work over, as they were the only people Jensen had gotten to know since arriving in L.A. but Jensen just shrugged and laughed him off, saying he didn't want to mix business with personal. They had good intentions to make productive use of their time after dinner, like cleaning up the yard where Jared never got around to continuing or simply getting out of the house to see something new but that rarely happened. Instead they'd find themselves making out on the couch or in the shower or in bed.

When they were in his house Jared would more often than not wait until Jensen fell asleep, then he'd creep down to the office to write more. The more Jared wrote the bigger the urge got for him to finish so he could show the final product to Jensen and reveal everything. Things were going so well that he was hesitant to mess things up by having the serious conversation Jared was expecting. Soon, though. Soon.

Jared thought he was getting better at being open. He didn't second guess himself as much as he used to. He liked talking to Jensen about his childhood, what he wanted to do when he was in high school, what he wanted to do next year or in five years. He skimmed over his university years and any time the discussions came too close to relationship histories he would skirt the issue. He knew Jensen saw through him but he didn't push Jared, so for that he was grateful.

Jared laughed to himself as he let himself in Jensen's back door with a bag of takeout on a random Thursday afternoon. Jensen was at work for another hour so Jared wanted to surprise him with what he might be able to pass off as a home cooked meal, if he planned it right and hid the evidence in time. Jared chided Jensen for leaving his doors unlocked but Jensen just shrugged it off and said it was an open invitation for Jared any time. So Jared took him at his word.

He dropped the bag on the counter and started for the dining room to see how he was going to lay everything out. As he passed by the living room he heard a voice and ducked behind the wall, acting on impulse. The thought that someone had broken in flashed through his mind but as he peered cautiously around the corner he could see Jensen pacing at the other end of the room, away from the entrance.

"When does filming start?... I guess I'll be ready... No-no, I just... Of course I'm getting cold feet! He's a nice guy! ... Look, I just don't know if I'm right for this part anymore, okay? There's more to it than-... Yeah, he's working on new stuff. .... I've looked at a bit of it. I feel weird about it! .... Fine, fine! I hate this, though. ... I know this movie is going to be great but it's about Jared! I know him now! ... Fine, whatever. Talk to you later."

Jared felt hot and cold flash through his body and his vision swam in front of his eyes. He didn't know what to do. What the hell was going on? The little voice in the back of his head was taunting him, telling him he should have known better than to let someone into his life again. He was always going to get hurt.

Jared peeked around the corner again and saw Jensen snap his phone shut. He stared at it for a few seconds before stuffing it into his pocket and walking toward where Jared was hiding. Jared wasn't sure what to do so he did the first thing that came to him. He stepped into the living room, surprising Jensen.

"What did you do?" Jared cried, not recognizing his own voice. Panic was flashing through him and his breathing was shallow.

Jensen froze, his face betrayed everything, telling Jared that he knew exactly what Jared was asking.

"It's not what you think," Jensen started.

"Fuck you!" Jared shouted and started to storm toward the front door. Jensen raced out between Jared and the door, pressing himself against it with his hands up.

"Jared, just listen. Just stop and listen for a second, okay?"

"I don't need to hear one fucking word from you," Jared seethed. "You've been lying to my god damned face, Jensen! All this time! Did you have fun playing me? Treating me like a fucking child, thinking I'd never find out?"

"No, Jared! It's not like that! Stop and fucking listen to me! I'm an actor!" Jensen shouted.

"Good for fucking you," Jared spat. He turned around and started walking for the back door.

"I'm doing research for the movie based on your book," Jensen called.

Jared stopped, dead in his tracks. The pounding of his heart echoed in his ears. He felt the breeze from the air conditioner across his skin and he could feel the tickling of a stray hair caught on his collar against his neck. Jared's world stopped and took all this in as his brain tried to process and reject the words Jensen spoke.

He turned around slowly and was greeted with Jensen's stricken expression. That, more than anything, enraged Jared. Where did Jensen get off feeling like he was the one wounded?

But Jared didn't yell. He didn't race toward Jensen and punch him or toward the door. Nothing. He felt defeated, more than anything.

"You read my books?" Jared asked quietly. Jensen nodded. "You fucking bastard. You are scum. I have never met anyone who would stoop to such a despicable level of deceit."

"What about you?" Jensen shot back, sounding desperate. "You wouldn't even have anything to work on right now if it wasn't for me!"

"Excuse me? You read what I'm writing now? You went into my personal files and violated my privacy?"

"Damn right. Might as well tell you everything, right? I'm such a terrible person that I read what you're working on right now. And it's about me. What do you have to say about that?" Jensen egged Jared on, trying to get a reaction out of him.

"That I made the worst mistake of my life by being friends with you. You came after me knowing who I was, knowing what those books were to me and yet you still did it. You invaded my privacy, you lied to me, you wormed your way into my life--for what? For a job. Someone hired you to spy on me. You are the worst person I've ever met in my entire life."

Jared turned around again to walk out the back door and heard Jensen rush toward him, try to grab his arm. Jared wrenched it away and stared Jensen down with cold eyes. "If you touch me again, if you come near me again or near my house I'll call the cops. Don't call me. Don't try to see me. Leave me alone, Jensen."

"Jared..." Jensen tried, his voice choked up. "Please--let me explain!"

"Fuck off, Jensen," Jared said mildly.

Jensen let him walk out the back door and jumped when he slammed it behind him.

~~~

"Jared? Jared, what the hell? What's going on?"

Jared cursed under his breath and pushed away from the desk. His office was littered with some boxes and large sheets that he was using to cover the furniture. He dropped another notebook into an open box and got up to greet Sandy. He knew what she was seeing as she walked through the house.

The living room was already packed up and covered. The den was close to being finished and the kitchen was almost barren. All the food had been donated or trashed since he wouldn't need it. The backyard was neat and tidy with the barbecue and patio set put into storage. It was like walking through an abandoned house.

"Jared? What the fuck?" Sandy demanded as soon as Jared stepped into view. She threw her purse onto a box and crossed her arms, tapping her foot.

"I was going to call--"

"When? When you were halfway around the world?"

"Texas isn't around the world," Jared replied.

Sandy stopped short in her tracks and stared at Jared, confused. "Texas? You're going home?"

Jared nodded. "For a while."

"Why? For how long? When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow morning. Early tomorrow morning. I'm leaving because... I need to get out of here," he said simply.

"You're running again," Sandy accused.

"Running toward the thing I was running from before?"

"Running back to familiarity. But what happens when you get there and things are possibly shitty there, too? Where next, Jared? New York City? Where you can blend in with the fucking sidewalks? What are you doing?"

"Maybe I'm trying to deal with things. Ever think of that?"

"And what brought on this sudden burst of courage? Is someone dying? Are you dying? What about Jensen?"

"Things are... complicated, is all. And Jensen can go fuck a dog for all I care."

"What the hell happened, Jared? What did I miss?"

"You wouldn't understand, Sandy."

"Fuck off, Jared. You don't let me understand! I have been here for two years trying to get you to open up to me so I can be your friend, your real friend. But you keep shutting me out. But I can put two and two together. You've been running all this time. For the first time since I've know you, you've been happy with Jensen. Now you're turning tail and running home? To the people who made you this way? Bullshit." Jared tightened his mouth into a line but didn't say anything. "Well? Don't you have some excuse, some rebuttal about how you're doing the right thing? About--fuck, I don't know! I don't know anymore, Jared! You do this to yourself, you know."

"Do what?" Jared asked sharply.

"Be miserable! You make yourself miserable all the fucking time! You sit in this house by yourself and you wallow in everything you think is wrong with your life. You don't do anything about it! I thought things were finally coming around for you with Jensen. I thought, finally he's found someone who can put up with him, draw him out, who'll call him on his bullshit and won't let him hide in himself. And what are you doing? Running away from him."

"He violated my trust. He went behind my back and betrayed me!"

"How so? Is this something you can't tell me? Is there a secret part of your life that you have to hide from everyone and he found out?"

"Basically, yes."

Sandy leaned in close. "Are you a spy?"

"Are you serious?"

"I don't know, Jared! You tell me! Because at this point, with all the secrecy I've put up with from you I don't know what else to think. I've put enough together to know that despite your defenses about what happened you're ashamed of yourself and you think your family is, too. But what about everyone else in your life?"

"Who?" Jared asked, angrily. "Jensen turned out to be a liar and bastard. I don't have any other friends, Sandy!"

"Me, Jared! Me! What am I supposed to do? I've put up with your insecure neuroses for years now and for what? To find out you don't even consider me important enough to tell when something's wrong, or to ask for help when you obviously need it. I have tried so hard for you, Jared, and all you've ever done is thrown it back in my face. Thanks for that!" Sandy grabbed her purse and stormed out of the house.

Jared stared after her, then continued to pack without feeling a single thing. There wasn't anything left in him.

~~~

Being back home was weird to put it mildly. His parents were not the people he remembered. But he wasn't the person they remembered so it balanced out.

When he called home, for the first time in about a month, his mom was shocked to hear his voice. She knew something was wrong but didn't press him when he asked if it was okay if he came home. He didn't want to cause problems and if it wasn't okay he'd understand, find somewhere else to go. His mom just replied softly that it was fine if he came home and said they were happy to have him there.

He stayed in his old room for a week and a half before deciding he and the dogs needed their own space. He had to assure his mother that it wasn't because of them that he was moving out and repeatedly said that he was only moving a few blocks away into a rental. He would be over all the time for dinner and to do laundry. His mother would breathe a small sigh of relief and smile warmly at him, the first time in ages that he could remember it reaching her eyes.

The days grew shorter and the weather grew cooler, which for San Antonio meant that Jared had to wear a warmer sweater when he went out. He greeted a late Texas fall like an old friend and he felt for the first time in a long while that he could breathe again.

He went looking for news on the film exactly once, then nearly punched a hole in the wall when he saw Jensen's name attached to the information. He chose to ignore it after that and avoided anything remotely related to entertainment for awhile, even turning the other way in supermarkets when it came to passing by the magazine racks at the checkout. If he didn't see it, it didn't exist.

The small voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Jensen whispered to him that was how all this got started in the first place and shouldn't he stop sticking his head in the sand. Jared chose to ignore that, too.

Fall blended into the winter quickly and before Jared knew it it was nearly Christmas. Thanksgiving had been a quiet affair. Megan was hard at work with her new job in Houston and couldn't swing the time off. Jared and his parents had dinner, then watched some football and Jared spent the night in his old room with the dogs on the floor beside him. It was all so easy now. Jared felt like things could be okay again here. He could make it work and maybe go back to the way things used to be.

The weeks leading up to Christmas flew by at an alarming pace. Jared couldn't remember the last time he opened his laptop to write but still he convinced himself he was okay with it. Why did he need to write anymore when his life was getting back on track? His editor had started to call on a weekly, and then almost daily basis, wondering where the next book was. Jared didn't say anything about almost finishing one in L.A. and replied vaguely, mentioning bullshit about hectic holidays and traveling and writer's block and anything he could possibly come up with to cover his ass and stall for time. More time to bury his head in the sand, the voice in his head whispered, more insistently now.

Sandy was another hurdle Jared had yet to cross. She was busy with her own life but she was starting to call with more urgency. She wanted to know what happened with Jensen, when he was coming back, when she would see him again. She missed her best friend, she said, and that she never thought the possibility of losing him would hurt more than finding out the love of her life was gay. She played that card and hit Jared hard below the belt. He didn't call her on it, though, because he knew it was true.

Jared was abandoning everything he'd done since leaving home two years earlier and he couldn't bring himself to care.

Even though he did.

Megan was one of the worst to evade, though. They talked every week. She'd get caught up on what was happening in the neighbourhood, what mom and dad were doing, how she was doing in her job and then things would turn to Jared and what he was doing, who he was seeing, where he was hanging out. He was sure she pictured him as a bent over old man, waving his cane at the kids riding their bikes past his house but he wasn't sure what he could tell her to convince her otherwise.

"Jared, are you even writing?" she finally asked one night, the week before Christmas.

"I haven't had to," he replied lightly. "Things are great right now."

"Great? Really? Hiding behind mommy and daddy is 'great'?" Megan said bluntly.

"I'm not hiding."

"Then call Jensen. Ask him how he is. Ask him why he did what he did. Go back to Los Angeles," Megan fired at him.

Jared sighed and tried to reign in his discomfort. "It's not like that."

"You are the worst liar, you know that?"

"I'm better now," Jared mumbled, a half-hearted attempt at defending himself.

"Whatever, Jared. Whatever."

Megan would change the subject then and leave him alone. For now.

~~~

Christmas Eve was spent with old family friends by the fireplace with a flameless log in it. Christmas carols played on the TV and they sang along, Jared, his parents and a few other couples who his parents met with regularly. They were all happy to see Jared still home for the holidays but made a point of asking him what he was doing next with his life, in the politest way possible.

Jared kept his fake grin on and mumbled something about traveling or doing some freelance journalism or saving orphans in Somalia, he didn't even know. They nodded and paid him back the same politeness before changing the subject. The party broke up fairly early and Jared excused himself to go to bed as he was spending the night in his old room again.

He lay on top of his bed, still dressed, and stared at the ceiling. The joy and hustle of Christmas had ebbed away leaving Jared feeling confused and alone.

He drifted off to sleep easily, still clothed and on top of his bed. When he awoke a few hours later it was pitch black in his room. He rolled over, confused, and blinking blurry eyes. He nearly fell out of bed when he made out the shape of someone sitting in a chair by his bed. He yelped and scrambled up on his bed, ready to hit the person. They laughed and reached over to turn on his bedside lamp.

"You're funny," Megan said as she grinned at her brother who was half crouched on his bed near the headboard.

"Jesus Christ, Megan!" Jared exclaimed. "How long have you been sitting there?"

"Long enough. You're a heavy sleeper. It took me almost fifteen minutes to wake you up," she told him with a sly grin on her face. Jared ran a hand through his hair and checked his face and ears for anything sticky or possibly drawn on. Old habits and all.

"What are you doing here? I thought you couldn't make it home?" Jared asked, sitting down on the bed.

"I managed to work something out. Mom and Dad don't know so it's a surprise!"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's a surprise for you, too," she told him, all joking gone now. "I didn't want you to run again."

"Why would I run?" Jared asked.

"Because you know what I'm going to do."

"Megan..." Jared started.

"Think of this as your Ebenezer Scrooge moment, Jared," Megan cut in. "I'm so tired to watching you destroy everything in your life. I'm tried of watching you hurt. I'm tried of wondering when I'm going to see you again because you can't bring yourself to face your own life."

Jared sat on the bed and let her words wash over him. He was still sleepy enough that he didn't have the energy to fight back and part of him felt this was his penance. As if knowing exactly what he was thinking Megan reached over and tipped Jared's head up to look him in the eyes.

"This isn't because you did anything wrong, Jared. You need to know and accept that."

"You weren't there, Megan. You don't know what went down."

"I know more then you think. I heard it from both sides. But Jared, that was years ago. Years ago. It's time to let it go," she said softly.

"How can I? Knowing that Mom and Dad almost split up because of me? Because I didn't--"

"Didn't what? Go to the school they wanted you to go to? Didn't do what they thought you should do? What they thought you'd be good at? Fuck off. You know Mom and Dad love you for what you've done!"

"I aired our dirty laundry for everyone to know about us!" Jared exploded. "Everyone around here knows who wrote that book and what it was about. They thought it was them, just like everyone else in this place!"

"For three seconds! Jared, you're the one who blew this all out of proportion! You're the one who thinks this is a huge thing. And since then you've written another amazing, insightful book that has nothing to do with them or has any connection to them. It's all you but no one knows because you hide!"

"I have to. I can't bring more attention to what happened." Jared felt his breath getting short.

"What happened? You fell in love? You're gay? You're making mountains out of molehills here, Jared. Things didn't turn out the way you thought they would, boo hoo! Whose life does? Mom and Dad don't love you any less for it!"

"I feel like a total failure, Megan," Jared whispered.

"Why?"

"I do hide," Jared admitted. "I hide because I'm not what anyone wants or expects me to be. That book... it made everything seem worse than it was. I made it seem like Mom and Dad were horrible people. It was my chance to get back at Chad and instead I hurt Mom and Dad."

"For a moment, Jared. They were taken off guard. Yeah, you didn't turn out to be what Mom and Dad thought you'd be but neither did I! The book is a blip on their radar now."

"I don't know..." Jared said, still confused. He appreciated Megan for what she was trying to do but--"Ow!"

Megan had reached over and slapped Jared lightly. "Shut up. Stop thinking. Jesus Christ, Jared. Everyone has it hard, okay? You're not some special flower that needs to sit and wallow in your past. Get a grip on yourself and get over it!"

"I thought you were trying to cheer me up and make me feel better!"

"There's only so much I can do before I have to resort to drastic measures. Jared, I have watched you go through this for years now. We've all suffered through what you've been going through--what you've been doing to yourself, okay? Because you're doing it to us, too. What is it? Are you afraid Mom and Dad are going to say they love you and then jerk it back like a carrot on a string? What's your deal?"

Jared shifted uncomfortably. "Do you know they're making a movie based on the book? Some Hollywood asshole is reading my book right now and making a script based on it for other assholes to read and put on a screen for everyone to see. Our life--my life--is going to be out there for millions of people to see and pick apart."

"Then why did you sign the rights of the book over to a studio?" Megan asked in a tone that said, 'you're the biggest moron ever'.

"I know, I did this to myself. I guess...." Jared trailed off, trying to find the words. Megan let him think while he bit his lip and picked at the blanket. "I guess if it's out there for everyone else to see and judge it makes it more real, you know? I was able to run from it, the reality of it all, when I went to L.A. Writing that book under a pen name was the best decision I could have made, given the circumstances. Everything was such a mess when the book was published that when I left it got left behind, too. I could ignore it."

"Right," Megan said, nodding along.

"I'm afraid of people finding out that's me. That they'll think I'm a horrible person."

"For what? For publishing the book? For putting Mom and Dad in it? For being gay?"

"Yes."

"All of it?" Jared nodded. "Oh, Jared. Jared. Snap the fuck out of it!" Jared frowned. "No, seriously. I can't believe someone as smart as you could be so dumb. As far as anyone out there knows the book was fiction. The people that do know have gotten over it. And if people judge you for being gay, who cares? They don't know you."

"But I do."

"Do you have a problem with being gay?" Megan asked incredulously.

Jared opened his mouth to reply but didn't know what to say. "If none of this had ever happened," he started hesitantly. "I wouldn't be here. But neither would anyone else."

"Jared, you have to be one of the stupidest people I've ever met in my entire life," Megan replied with a sigh.

"Why?"

"If you weren't gay or if you'd stayed hidden do you think some of the things that happened wouldn't have anyway? Mom and Dad were always harping on each other when we were growing up. Things just came to a head. Did you know that one night mom told me she thought Dad was having an affair?"

"What?" Jared asked, shocked. "When?"

"In tenth grade. When you were just starting college."

"Before Chad," Jared murmured.

"Yup. Things were always a bit strained here then. You never noticed?"

Jared thought back to high school and could only remember himself. The pressure, the games, the grades, the relief of getting into a school that didn't rely on him being something he didn't want to be, the feeling the he'd let his parents down. "I guess not."

Megan shook her head and then turned to Jared with more intensity. "Look, I'm not telling you this so you can pick apart Mom and Dad's relationship. I'm saying it because there have always been problems in this house. If anything, you saved their marriage. They had to come together to figure out what the hell was going on. You leaving... it sucked. I was so upset, Mom was worried and Dad walked around on egg shells, as if he'd done something horrible to make you go, I think. But in a way it kinda saved us."

"What the fuck," Jared muttered.

"Kinda after school special-ish, right?"

"More like a Lifetime movie of the week," Jared laughed.

"Mom and Dad did have a hard time dealing with you coming out. And after the whole Chad thing and the book... it was a lot to take in at once, you know? Add that to their own existing problems and you've got parents who can't deal. No one said anything that really made the situation right but no one's in the wrong. Least of all you."

"I don't know how to process this all."

"Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. Trust me. Now look, we've done enough heart to heart bonding here for the night. I'm exhausted from the flight and we have to be up early to surprise Mom and Dad, right? So I'm going to bed." Megan stood up but Jared grabbed her hand before she had a chance to move.

"Megan, thank you. You have no idea."

"No, but I can guess. I've missed you, Jared."

Jared cocked his head, as if he were thinking of something. "I guess I could say the same." Megan reached out and smacked him on the arm as Jared grinned. "Brat."

"Asshole."

"Meddler."

"Gay."

"Guess so."

"Night."

"Night, Megan."

~~~

Christmas was a success. It was the first holiday celebration that felt normal since Jared was in high school. Their parents were surprised and overwhelmed that Megan traveled so far to surprise them. Jared felt freer than he had in a long time, both with his family and in general. It was a good holiday.

Megan, unfortunately, had to fly back to Boston on the 27th to get back to work. Jared took her to the airport and held her for a long time before she left to board the plane. She held him just as tight and there were tears in her eyes as she waved to him before disappearing down the concourse.

Jared attended some therapy sessions in an attempt at figuring himself out. He looked into taking some classes at the local community college. He sought the advice of a spiritual adviser. He tried every single thing he could think of in the attempt of figuring out who he was and finding peace with everything from the past few years.

His parents didn't push him, choosing to give him space, perhaps worried he would pick up and leave again. Sandy called occasionally and Jared suspected she didn't call more for fear of falling into guilting him into coming back to Los Angeles. He invited her out to Texas, offered to pay for the ticket, but she kept her resolve and insisted she would see him when he returned. Jared didn't have the heart to tell her that was looking less and less likely.

Home was familiar. Home was safe and comfortable and he could write from anywhere, Jared told himself. Things were great with his family again, why would he jeopardize it?

His editor, Dennis, tracked him down soon after the holidays. He wanted to know what the status of the novel was, that he was super excited to read it and to start in on it to get it on the road to being published. Jared's stomach felt like it bottomed out by his feet when he heard the message on his voice mail.

The book.

The book about Jensen that he'd all but forgotten about and buried in the deepest recesses of his laptop, hidden away in a random file somewhere to never be thought of again.

The editor wanted it within weeks. Finished and ready to go. Jared forgot about the little mention he'd made months ago about almost being done, needing a little time. Then everything had blown up in his face with Jensen and he pushed it aside. There would be no book. He had enough money that he didn't need to write again.

But Dennis kept calling. Jared kept deleting the messages from his voice mail and Dennis started to get more and more impatient, demanding to talk to him. Jared continued to ignore him.

A few weeks after the calls started Jared's mom glanced over at him at the table during lunch. It was just the two of them as his father was at work. Jared enjoyed these quiet times with his mom. He was getting to know her again and learning new things about her that he'd never taken the time to find out about her when he was younger.

"Jared?" His mom started one random Wednesday afternoon, holding her coffee cup close and glancing over the rim at him.

"Hmm?" Jared didn't look up from his soup.

"Are you happy?"

Jared's head jerked up, surprised. "What?"

"Are you happy?"

Jared blinked and shook his head. "I don't understand."

"It's not a hard question, son. Are you happy?" His mom repeated insistently.

"Why do you ask?" Jared asked warily.

"Oh, for Pete's sake, Jared. I'm your mother. I love you. I want you to be happy. But since you've been home all I've seen is a little boy looking for his mama's apron to hide behind."

"Come again?" Jared asked.

"Your editor's been calling every couple days. You ignore his calls. You barely talk to your friends in Los Angeles and you haven't made any mention about what you're going to do next," his mother said with a sigh. "You think you're hiding it from us but we're not dumb, Jared."

"I never thought you were," Jared mumbled, casting his eyes down at his meal, feeling like a five year old being called out for breaking something valuable.

"Then stop acting like you do. All your father and I want for you is to be safe and happy. You haven't done anything for yourself since you've been here."

"I like being here." Jared tried to defend himself.

"You like the idea of being here. We were never mad at you, darling. Shocked? Yes. Surprised that you're gay? Yes. Even more surprised that you wrote a book about it? Absolutely. But we never stopped loving you and we were never angry with you. It was just uncomfortable for everything to happen so quickly."

"Why didn't you ever say anything?" Jared asked.

His mother laughed softly. "You ran across the country to get away from all of this. What were we supposed to think? We assumed we did something wrong. We wanted to give you space to sort things out, to figure out what you wanted. When you never came home and stopped calling as much we thought... Well, we don't need to get into that. But we didn't want to push you."

"I thought you didn't want to talk to me or bring up what happened," Jared replied softly. "I thought I was the cause of the problems between you and dad."

"Oh, sweetheart," his mother said as she got out of her chair and walked around the table to embrace him. "Nothing could be further from the truth. Your father and I still work on our marriage to this day. You could never play a part in that. And I always want to talk to you. I want to know all about you. I want to know you. I feel like we've lost so much time with you and missed out on so much."

Jared hugged his mom back and hid his face in her shirt like he used to do when he was little, fighting back the pin pricks of tears that threatened to develop into tears. "Not really. I haven't done very much."

His mom tipped his head back so she could look at him in the eyes. "Don't you think it's about time you do?"
~~~

Dennis wasn't entirely happy when Jared finally called him back a few days later. Jared mentioned that he had, yes, gotten the book nearly finished. But he wasn't sure if he wanted to go ahead with it.

"Jared, need I mention this little thing called a contract to you? Again?" Dennis reminded him, almost desperately. "The heads are asking for a new book. No, scratch that. They're screaming for one. They want to time it to release with the movie."

"Right, the movie," Jared sighed. "When does that come out, again?"

"Tentative date is end of June, from what I hear."

Jared was quiet for a few minutes as he thought things over. He thought about his conversations with Megan, with Sandy, with his mom. He bit his lip and thought about everything he'd frantically been trying to do since Christmas to figure things out for himself and shook his head.

"I'll have a book for you in six weeks," he said firmly. "I don't know what it's going be about, but you'll have something in six weeks. Is that good enough?"

"Jared," Dennis started, sounding worried. "Are you sure that's a good guarantee to make? And what do you mean you don't know what it's going to be? Don't you have something done?"

"That's not going to be ready."

"Oh?"

"I don't know how it ends yet."

~~~

Jared stayed with his parents in Texas and wrote. He sat at his old desk in his room and typed from the moment he woke up in the morning until lunch, ate with his mom, took the dogs out, and then returned to the desk by 1:30 to continue. He wrote until six when dinner was served. He'd chat with his parents for a bit, then return and write more. He wrote until his eyes were blurry and his fingers sloppily hit the wrong keys from being so stiff.

This book was about post-Chad. About him post-Chad. About everything he'd learned, everything he wanted to be and everything he was too scared to be. It was about the possibilities in his life now. It was about Jensen and what Jared wanted from him but never would be.

It was about moving on.

Jared felt a little stupid at first, as he tried to remember what it was like writing the first book and how easy it was. Back then he hadn't any expectations about what was going to become of his words that naturally found a place on the page. It didn't feel like him writing at the time. It was a bit like what Jared assumed would be an out of body experience. He wasn't writing about himself but someone else totally detached from himself.

It took him awhile to find that mind set again but he realized it was better this way. That was how he approached his life at the time, after all. None of what was happening was under his control, it felt like, so when he wrote about it it was easier to separate himself from it.

This time he had to embrace it and really accept why he was the way he was. He had to embrace himself, finally.

After a month Jared had the rough outline finished and had written three quarters of it. He was exhausted and ached every night but he slept like a rock and when he woke the next morning he felt invigorated.

He missed Los Angeles. He started calling Sandy with more frequency and laughed freely again. He looked up some of his old pals from high school that he knew were still in town and went out for drinks with them. He was even cruised by a couple guys while out and didn't feel discomfort, for the first time he could ever remember. His friends teased him and urged him on, to follow them up on their obvious offers but Jared just shook his head and grinned.

He sent Dennis the rough outline and the first few chapters that he'd come up with. Dennis' relief, more than his glowing remarks, cemented Jared's decision. He was going back to L.A.

His mom cried in the airport when they dropped him off and his dad hugged him tight, whispering that he loved him in his ear. Jared blinked back a couple tears before pulling away and clapped his father on the back.

"You too, Dad," he replied. "I'll try to be back for a bit in the summer but definitely for Thanksgiving, all right? And don't be afraid to visit me!" Jared's mom sniffled more and hugged him again before his dad pulled her away to allow Jared to board his plane.

Leaving home was harder this time but for totally different reasons than before. He was going back to Los Angeles knowing, for the first time in a long time, who he was.

~~~

"Jesus I've missed you," Sandy declared as she sat on his kitchen counter cross legged, watching Jared make them supper.

"It can't have been that boring around here without me," Jared laughed.

"Not boring, but you're the only one who puts up with my shit!"

"Maybe you should take a hint?" Jared asked, raising an eyebrow at her. Sandy kicked out at him and Jared danced away, laughing.

"What's different with you?" Sandy asked when he returned to the stove. She cocked her head and stared at him. "Seriously. Did you lose weight or get a new haircut or something?"

Jared shook his head and shrugged. "Nope."

"So... why'd you come back?" Sandy asked, trying to be casual but Jared knew she was dying to know.

"Have to finish the book."

"And then you're leaving again?" She asked, disappointed.

"I don't think so. I don't know for sure but I think I'll be okay here now."

"I hope you do. I don't want to follow you to Texas to have a best friend, you know."

"A best friend?" Jared questioned, laughing again. "Not just a friend?"

"Oh, shut up," Sandy said as she jumped off the counter.  She wrapped her arms around Jared from behind and pressed her cheek against his back. "I miss you telling me to calm down and trying to drag you out of the house to see the light of day and having someone to complain to."

Jared wrapped a hand around hers at her waist and nodded. "I missed that, too."

Before it got awkward or Jared felt the need to say something else semi-touching and probably ruin the moment she stepped back and grabbed a snow pea off the counter and danced away. Jared rolled his eyes and added the rest of them to the pan he was making stir-fry in.

"He moved out, you know," Sandy said.

"Who?" Jared asked absently.

"Jensen."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"How do you know?"

"Saw the moving van when I was over here getting your mail. Didn't see him but the moving people were taking everything out of the house. And I haven't seen anyone there since then. Does he own it?"

Jared shook his head. "No idea. Whatever he did tell me most likely isn't the truth anyway, so whatever. Good riddance."

"You serious about that?"

"Why wouldn't I be? He went behind my back, was playing me from the start. Nothing like taking advantage of the near-recluse and trying to find out his secrets and all."

"I don't know if it was about that," Sandy replied slowly. Jared turned around to look at her. She was leaning against the wall, looking down at the floor.

"Sandy?"

"Don't get mad."

"Well when you start a sentence like that how can I?" Jared said sarcastically. He turned the heat down on the stove and crossed his arms. "What?"

"I might have had coffee with him a few times. He invited me and I only went to kick him in the balls or dump hot coffee in his crotch or something!" she said quickly. "He did that movie thing and asked for three minutes of my time to explain himself. And you know what? It worked."

"Sandy," Jared scoffed.

"He didn't do a good thing, Jared, I know that. What he did was despicable. I made sure he knew that. And he agreed! He thought he would just be your neighbour for a little while, find out about you. You know, your mannerisms, what sort of friends you have, that kind of thing. He didn't think you guys would end up being friends, let alone more than that."

"'More than that'," Jared repeated, his cheeks starting to get hot. "That's one way of putting it."

"I don't want to make assumptions about what you two were to each other. And I didn't want to hear his side of all that. But I let him tell me about everything else."

"How long did you meet with him?"

"About five times in a month."

"And then?"

"He left for work. He said that he's trying to break into movies, that he's done a few small things here and there but that the movie based on your book would be the biggest thing he could do. I guess already the critics are saying it could be one of the biggest movies of the year, something about awards, I don't know. His reasons for doing what he did weren't good ones but they're there and he can't do anything about it now. He feels terrible."

"That's great for him. I feel wonderful!" Jared replied, rolling his eyes.

"I didn't want to say any of this because I want you to be angry or to hurt you. But I've missed you and I missed who you were with Jensen. You were happier. You were actually sharing with someone, you know? I'm not saying give him another chance or forget everything that happened between you two, but I think you need to work things out that happened between you two. I don't know if that means seeing him or writing a letter or, I don't know, throwing darts at his picture but you need to do something."

"I'll work on it," Jared replied. "Can you grab me the chicken from the fridge?" With that the conversation was effectively over. And for once, Jared didn't obsess over it.

~~~

Two weeks later when Dennis had a complete novel in his inbox, ready to be edited to hell, he was the happiest man in the world. Jared, however, knew that he life was about to become a nightmare. He liked Dennis as his editor because the man was ruthless but while he was in the process of making Jared's life, and his books, hell all he wanted to do was curse him from morning until night.

Jared woke every morning to new revisions for his book, as Dennis went through each section with a fine tooth comb. He threw hard questions at Jared, made him reason why he chose to do A to his character, when B would have worked just as well for plot reasons. They argued over names, events, colours, locations. Jared had to fight for every inch of the book that was the closest thing to his blood, sweat and tears that he'd ever produced.

Six more weeks later Jared saved the final revisions on his book. He was happier with it than he'd been when he finished it the first time around and could feel in every part of him that this was the book that was truly about him. What was even better was that in the middle of revisions and editing he got another idea he wanted to start writing on as soon as humanly possible. It was eating at his brain and his fingers itched when he wasn't at a computer or holding a pen. It had nothing to do with him and nothing at all relatable to his life.

Once Dennis gave him the go ahead Jared would sit down to write the dedication but for now he would put that off because he didn't have the all-clear and Jared was superstitious about those things. Now that he had some time to do what he wanted Jared had to figure out what it was that he wanted.

He forced himself to try new things. He looked through the community newspapers to find groups or organizations that he thought would interest him. He tried out a poetry group that met in a park near where he let the dogs run. He joined an informal basketball league that met at a court on the other side of the city. He volunteered at one of the nearby soup kitchens a couple days a week. He realized how much time it turned out he always had on his hands before and how much of it he spend cooped up in the house. He didn't think the dogs knew what to make of all his coming and going every day.

The only dates he made, though, were with Sandy at least once a week for dinner and more often than not they'd meet again for a movie, too. Sometimes he'd convince her to stay in and watch at his house so he could crash on the couch and she begrudgingly allowed him that.

He was having on of his busy days with basketball across town when the doorbell rang then and he sighed. He grabbed his gym bag and jogged down the stairs, hoping whoever was at the door wouldn't be too long. The dogs were already at the door, wagging their tails and waiting for him to greet the person. He pushed them out of the way with his leg and opened the door, laughing.

When he opened the door there was no one there. He stepped out onto the porch and looked around but didn't even see anyone leaving. The dogs followed him out and sniffed around, grew bored and went back inside. Jared shrugged and turned to follow, then noticed the envelope stuck into the frame of the door.

He grabbed it and took it inside with him, closing the door behind him. In the envelope were a couple tickets to a movie he never heard of and a note inside. As soon as he saw the handwriting he froze in the middle of the hallway on the way to his office.

It was Jensen. Jensen had been at his house, had rung the bell and then ran away. Jared wasn't sure what to think. Basketball would have to wait.

He bypassed his office in favour of the living room, then once settled he opened the note. He read it through once quickly, expecting bullshit excuses and some lame attempt at making things better. Then he read it through again and felt his heart thump hard in his chest.

Jared,

I know there's nothing I can say that would ever make what happened better. When you left I figured there wasn't going to be any chance for me to try and explain or make up for what I did.

I can't excuse what I did. I can't even justify it to myself. But please know that when the whole idea was hatched it was before I knew who you were, before I knew what you'd gone through.

I wish I could say the movie is dead in the water but it's not. I'm not part of it anymore, though. I dropped out immediately after you found out. I'd been thinking of dropping out for awhile, both because of you and other reasons but I waited too long and I regret that massive misjudgement on my part.

I don't know what I can say or do to make this better for you. I don't know if you'd ever even let me try to make it up to you. I'd like to try.

The tickets I've enclosed are for my new movie. A movie that has nothing to do with you or your book. This movie for me is what I think your first book was for you and if anyone would understand what it means to me, you could. Out of anyone in my life, past and present, I would like you to be there, if you want to be.

If you don't come, I understand, but I have to try.

Jensen

Jared re-read the note a number of times until he thought he could hear Jensen's voice in his head. It rambled and went back and forth, humming and hawing on the best way to say things.

Jared didn't know what to think. He could feel the sincerity in Jensen's words and knew he wasn't lying when he said he wanted to make it up to Jared but didn't want to try anything trite. Out of anything Jared thought that he appreciated that the most.

He eyed the tickets and wondered what the hell to do with them. If he went he would feel like he was running back to Jensen like a dog with its tail between its legs. If he didn't.... he wasn't sure how to end that thought. How would he benefit from going to see Jensen again? What possible thing could Jensen give him or say to him to make everything okay again?

Jared left the tickets and the letter on the living room table and went to his office. He turned on the laptop and found the file he'd buried away in a random folder months ago. He hadn't looked at it since that day, when he chose to go home instead of staying to face things.

It was probably the best decision he'd ever made because otherwise Jared probably would be agoraphobic. He ironed out things with his parents, he reunited with old friends and he finally freed himself from... himself.

Was Jensen to thank for all that? Really?

He opened the file and started reading, going back months in his life. It felt like yesterday but he was such a different person then that he found he could read the story from a detached point of view.

It was almost midnight before he reached the end, or where he'd ended off with the story. He remembered, now, that it never had a real ending. It only had one in real life but that one was far too painful to put into words, not in this story.

Maybe it was time Jared finally find out what the real ending was.

Part 4