Shatter
Because this fic has taken over my life.
*headdesk*
1. All he knows.
2. Tremble.
Rated R
The first time it happened, you were two months into your spanking new relationship.
I was in your office, we talked about the board meeting that had just passed, and it happened.
One minute we were looking at the blueprints for an extension of the neurological wing, our heads barely touching, before we realize just how close we were standing to each other.
I don’t remember who initiated the kiss but once it happened, I knew I was fucked.
Figuratively and quite literally.
Very literally, actually.
I never imagined that my first time with you would feel so damn good, so fucking wrong.
Maybe it’s because I’ve always wanted it, I’ve always wanted you, but am too afraid to pursue anything serious, anything real, with you. I chose Noah.
I chose Noah because his love is all I know. He pushes me away, yes, but I have dealt with it a million times before, and I can deal with it a million times again.
With you? I am unsure. I don’t know how to love you, but I want to.
God, I want to.
The first time it happened, it wasn’t even intercourse. All I remember and desperately romanticize are your lips licking, nibbling, sucking me everywhere. You on your knees, the door to your office unlocked, and my back pressed against your table. I only managed to close the blinds before you unzip my pants and take me into your mouth.
It was amazing.
After it started, I knew that it would be hard, so hard, to end it.
And now, here I sit looking at you and him, across the table from me and Noah.
A double date.
We must be masochists, you and I.
Me, for suggesting this stupid idea, only because I am fucking missing you and had no other excuse to see you.
You, for agreeing with me instead of just arranging for us to fuck at the Lakeview.
I see the ring on your finger and I fight the urge to run away.
…
Noah, ever the gentleman, starts the ball rolling as we wait for our food.
“So, when are you guys going on that trip?”
Ian looks tired, but I cannot mistake the tenderness in his eyes as he looks at you.
“Well, it was hard for Memorial to allow two neurosurgeons to go on leave at the same time, but we managed to snag a week off next month. It’ll be good to just get away.”
You haven’t made eye contact, proper eye contact, with me the entire time but you sneak a look at me, briefly.
I lie to myself that you are reluctant to be with him. I pretend you are apologizing to me.
I ignore Ian’s thumb rubbing over the back of your hand, his ring identical to yours, the shine slapping me across the face.
When I speak, I hear my voice break a little.
“Where are you guys heading to?”
I expected you to reply, but Ian looks straight into my eyes and his words send me reeling back.
“Dallas. To pay Reid’s family a visit. And after that, maybe fly down to California for a couple of days or so.”
Noah seems interested to pursue the conversation but I am not. I pretend to check my phone as though someone had called, and mumbled an excuse to leave the table.
…
I push you against the wall and kiss you roughly.
I don’t know why but I am frightened, so frightened at the prospect of losing you that I cannot control myself. You let me manhandle you; your body uncharacteristically pliant.
I squeeze my eyes shut so I don’t cry, so I don’t have to see how fucking beautiful you are, and I let my hunger for your body take over every inch of me.
I feel the ring on your finger burn a hole straight through my heart as your palm presses against my skin.
When I come, I bite my lip so I don’t say your name like I love you.
I curse at you, at myself, at the world.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
When we’re done, I turn my back to you, silently asking you to leave.
You wrap your arms around me from behind, and I shatter.
*headdesk*
1. All he knows.
2. Tremble.
Rated R
The first time it happened, you were two months into your spanking new relationship.
I was in your office, we talked about the board meeting that had just passed, and it happened.
One minute we were looking at the blueprints for an extension of the neurological wing, our heads barely touching, before we realize just how close we were standing to each other.
I don’t remember who initiated the kiss but once it happened, I knew I was fucked.
Figuratively and quite literally.
Very literally, actually.
I never imagined that my first time with you would feel so damn good, so fucking wrong.
Maybe it’s because I’ve always wanted it, I’ve always wanted you, but am too afraid to pursue anything serious, anything real, with you. I chose Noah.
I chose Noah because his love is all I know. He pushes me away, yes, but I have dealt with it a million times before, and I can deal with it a million times again.
With you? I am unsure. I don’t know how to love you, but I want to.
God, I want to.
The first time it happened, it wasn’t even intercourse. All I remember and desperately romanticize are your lips licking, nibbling, sucking me everywhere. You on your knees, the door to your office unlocked, and my back pressed against your table. I only managed to close the blinds before you unzip my pants and take me into your mouth.
It was amazing.
After it started, I knew that it would be hard, so hard, to end it.
And now, here I sit looking at you and him, across the table from me and Noah.
A double date.
We must be masochists, you and I.
Me, for suggesting this stupid idea, only because I am fucking missing you and had no other excuse to see you.
You, for agreeing with me instead of just arranging for us to fuck at the Lakeview.
I see the ring on your finger and I fight the urge to run away.
…
Noah, ever the gentleman, starts the ball rolling as we wait for our food.
“So, when are you guys going on that trip?”
Ian looks tired, but I cannot mistake the tenderness in his eyes as he looks at you.
“Well, it was hard for Memorial to allow two neurosurgeons to go on leave at the same time, but we managed to snag a week off next month. It’ll be good to just get away.”
You haven’t made eye contact, proper eye contact, with me the entire time but you sneak a look at me, briefly.
I lie to myself that you are reluctant to be with him. I pretend you are apologizing to me.
I ignore Ian’s thumb rubbing over the back of your hand, his ring identical to yours, the shine slapping me across the face.
When I speak, I hear my voice break a little.
“Where are you guys heading to?”
I expected you to reply, but Ian looks straight into my eyes and his words send me reeling back.
“Dallas. To pay Reid’s family a visit. And after that, maybe fly down to California for a couple of days or so.”
Noah seems interested to pursue the conversation but I am not. I pretend to check my phone as though someone had called, and mumbled an excuse to leave the table.
…
I push you against the wall and kiss you roughly.
I don’t know why but I am frightened, so frightened at the prospect of losing you that I cannot control myself. You let me manhandle you; your body uncharacteristically pliant.
I squeeze my eyes shut so I don’t cry, so I don’t have to see how fucking beautiful you are, and I let my hunger for your body take over every inch of me.
I feel the ring on your finger burn a hole straight through my heart as your palm presses against my skin.
When I come, I bite my lip so I don’t say your name like I love you.
I curse at you, at myself, at the world.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
When we’re done, I turn my back to you, silently asking you to leave.
You wrap your arms around me from behind, and I shatter.