Le choix du coeur (8/?)
Title: Le choix du coeur
Author: KittyBlackCat
Disclaimer: Luke and Reid aren't dating so, I don't own ATWT or its characters
Rating: PG-13(to be safe)
Summary: Post episode of May 20th. Luke is left at the bar with a constricting heart and confused mind. Can he figure things out and make the right choice?
Chapter summary: Basically, Luke settling his plan for Reid and going to talk to Noah
Word count: 4656
Previous chapter: chap1/ chap2/ chap3/ chap4/ chap5/ chap6/ chap7
AN: I know I said Reid would be in this chap but I'm sorry to say he's not. (he is mentioned though! that counts for something right?) Yeah, see this is longer than I had expected (I feel like a broken record. I always say that. What can I say, concise isn't one of my middle names) But don't worry Reid is coming up next chapter!
Chapter 8
Luke knew what to do about Reid. He wasn’t completely sure that his idea would work out like he wanted it to, but it was better than having an awkward conversation with the doctor, opening his heart completely, only to have him doubt Luke’s words. This way, he would know exactly what Luke has been through. He would understand why he had been so indecisive before. Or at least Luke really hoped so. But first, he needed to find a way to get it to Reid, without risking Reid seeing him do it. Luke was so nervous he felt like he was going to jump out of his skin. His palms were sweaty and trembling. The anticipation was killing him. All he wanted to do was marched up to that hospital, find Reid and kiss the daylight out of him. But unfortunately, he knew he couldn’t. There were steps to take before starting something with Reid, assuming that Reid wanted a serious relationship at all. Luke was pretty sure he did, but he knew the other man could be quite difficult and closed off. ‘Well, I guess I’ll just have to keep on fighting if he turns me down the first time.’ Luke thought. Once arrived at Memorial, Luke sent a text to Allison and waited for her in the parking lot. It only took a couple of minutes for his friend to join him.
- Luke, Allison screamed, what’s going on?
- Hey Alli! Luke answered hugging his friend. Long time no see.
- Yes and what exactly was that all about? I don’t see you at the hospital for days, which is unusual, and when I go to your house for a visit, I’m told that you’ve left time for someplace unknown for who knows how long and no one has been able to reach you! Do you know how worried I was? I know we haven’t been that close in the last few months, but Luke you’re still my friend. I still care about you and if something is wrong, you have to know you can trust me to be there for you. No need to run away.
- Thanks Alli. I appreciate it, but nothing’s wrong anymore. Luke said smiling like he hadn’t done for a long time. Ok so actually, that’s not totally true. I still have things to work out with people and it’s probably going to be quite difficult, but I’m hopeful and I know what I want and that feels so good, you have no idea.
- Ok wait…go back. You know what you want now, so you didn’t before. Is this about getting back together with Noah? Are you guys hooking up again?
- No, Luke answered Allison’s hopeful question more firmly than he had wanted, Noah and I are over. Look Alli, I left to figure out my feelings. What I wanted, what I needed and who could give those things to me. Noah wasn’t the one who could.
- Wait, the one? You mean there’s someone else in the portrait? Luke’s intense blushed answered her question, Who?
- Well, I know it may seem strange, considering how we started but…
- Oh my god! Allison interrupted, putting all the signals she had witnessed in the last few months together, you love Dr.Oliver!
- What? Luke said in surprise at his friend insight.
- Oh my god! I can’t believe I didn’t know that. I could I not see? It was so obvious.
- Alli! You couldn’t have known. Reid and I were pretty discreet about it.
- Are you kidding me? You were giving him the eyes about every time you saw him! I can’t believe I didn’t put two and two together. I mean I saw it all the time, I should have known, but I was so sure you were still crazy in love with Noah….ooooohhhh. Noah. Thank god he was blind. He would not have taken those looks well.
- What looks? What are “the eyes”
- You know, Allison said to her apparently clueless friend, the I’m-dying-to-push-you-on-my-bed-and-lick-every-inch-of-you-body eyes.
Luke gave her an incredulous look. He didn’t look at Reid like that? Did he?
- Oh yes you look at him like that. Seriously, the eye-sexing you did with Dr.Oliver was intense it made me nauseous. I think that’s why it didn’t click until now. The implications were much too detailed for me. I really didn’t need those kinds of mental images between the hard-ass doctor I work with and one of my best friends. I could have never looked at him in the eye again. Thank you lord for giving humans the ability of denial and of suppressing things into your subconscious.
- Well, I hope you can look at him in the eye now; I don’t want Reid to suspect you know something. I’m not exactly sure where we’re going or how he’d react to others knowing yet. So please keep it quiet ok? I don’t need rumours about my relationship with Reid before I get to start a relationship with Reid.
- Don’t worry. You know you can trust me. And beside, who in the world would believe me? Now, how about you tell me what that favour is?
- Right, Luke said reaching into his bag, I need you to put this somewhere you’re sure Reid will find it. Today. The sooner he gets it, the sooner he can figure things out on his side.
- Ooookay. You know what you’re doing.
- Not totally, but I was afraid that an open-hearted serious talk would make him bolt.
- I can see him do that. Honestly Luke I don’t know what in the world you can see in that man. He’s just so…argh! But it’s obvious he makes you happy. You’ve smile more in the last ten minutes than you have in the last ten months. He’s good for you. I don’t get it, and him coming to our friendly dinners will be awkward at first, but he seems good for you, so I’ll accept it and try to make him feel welcome in the world of Luke Snyder’s entourage.
- Thanks Alli. I can’t tell you how much that means to me, Luke hugged her. Thank you for doing this. I really didn’t want to risk seeing Reid before my talk with Noah.
The friends hugged a little longer before separating and leaving to accomplish their mission. For Luke, it was to find Noah. For Allison, it was to put a notebook and letter somewhere Dr.Oliver would find it.
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When Luke arrived at Noah’s place, his smile was long gone. Although he had been happier in the last few days, it was still painful to think about Noah and about how their relationship was over for good. It was closing down an incredibly important chapter in his life and it wasn’t easy to do. It hadn’t been easy to do the transition between childhood and adolescence; it wasn’t any easier to close the chapter of his adolescence and his teenage love to open the chapter of adulthood. Gripping as much courage as he could, Luke knocked on the door and waited. It wasn’t long before Noah Mayer, his first love, the boy who had been the center of his universe for years had opened the door.
- Hey, Luke said
- Luke? …Hi
- Do you…do you have…I need to talk to you. Are you busy right now?
- No, no. I had nothing plan for this afternoon. It’s good to see you.
- It’s good to see you too Noah, Luke said sincerely.
‘Wow. This isn’t awkward a bit’ Luke thought sarcastically. The tension in the room was palatable. Neither boy really knew where to start. Noah was feeling unsure of where he stood with Luke. The last time he had seen him, he had told Luke to leave. He wanted Luke to be there for him because he wanted to, not because he felt he had to. How could he explain that? How could he tell Luke that he had missed him so much, even though he had been the one to push the other away? How do you tell a guy you’ve pushed away that it hurt you when he didn’t try to contact you afterwards? For Luke, things weren’t any easier. After all, is there really a politically correct way to start the conversation where you will put a definite stop to your romantic relationship with your long-time ex-boyfriend and tell him you want to stay friends? Luke didn’t think so. No matter how he started and what he said, that conversation was going to hurt. ‘I guess I’ll just go with the flow’ Luke thought ‘explain to him how I see things now’
- I’ve….Luke started. I don’t know if you knew this, but I’ve been gone for the last two weeks and I’ve just come back to Oakdale.
Luke swallowed. He had the Sahara desert in his mouth. It was an incredibly uncomfortable feeling. Lord, what was he doing there? Should he have waited longer? No. He had to do this now. No backing down. No matter when he had this conversation, it would be painful. Beside, he had Reid to think about now. Both Noah and the doctor deserved Luke coming clean about his feelings once and for all. As for Noah, he felt a little better knowing that the reason Luke hadn’t been trying to see him again was because he wasn’t in Oakdale.
- You went on a business meeting? How was it?
- No. I…I didn’t go on a business meeting Noah
- Then why did you leave? Asked a confused Noah, was it because of what I said? Luke, the only reason I said that is because I wanted you to be there with me because you wanted to, not because you felt oblige to it. I wanted you to want to be with me for me, not out of obligation.
- I…ok I can understand that. But Noah, you were never an obligation to me. I never did anything for you out of guilt or obligation. I did it because I care for you very much and I will do anything to help my friends as much as I can. You should know that.
- I know. I know. I guess I was being a little silly, but you had been distant that entire day and…wait.
Noah paused and thought back on what Luke had just said. ‘To help my friends’. Luke had used the words ‘to help my friends’. Not ‘to help the man I love’ or ‘to help my boyfriend’, but ‘to help my friends’. Did that mean something or was it just a fluke? Something you say without meaning anything without it? Luke looked at Noah’s confused face and wondered what he could be pondering over. Then he realised. Ah. That wasn’t exactly how he had imagined approaching the subject, but he knew that this wouldn’t go down like any of the hundred versions he had imagined of this conversation.
- Look Noah, I…I love you very much. I do. And that will never change. But you were right when you said I was being distant with you. I was. I was hiding from you as much as possible because…I really didn’t know left from right anymore. Everything was such a mess. For months you had been pushing me away and all of a sudden, because you had your eyesight back, you miraculously wanted to be with me again.
- It wasn’t like that…
- It felt like that, interrupted Luke with a stronger and slightly harsh voice. It felt like our relationship depended on your sight. But I loved you with it or not. My love for you hadn’t changed after the accident Noah. I still loved you and I wanted to be there for you because that’s how I am with the people I love. I like to take care of others as much as I like being taken care of. But you wouldn’t let me take care of you. Worst, you made me feel like there was something wrong with me for wanting to take care of you. You made me feel like I was at fault for our problems. But it takes two to tango Noah. I wasn’t the only one who was giving the other what he needed.
Noah wasn’t sure how to take any of that. He wasn’t sure where this was going but he knew deep down in his gut, that he wouldn’t like it.
- Listen. Before I left, I was confused and hurting. And after talking to my mom and Katie, I decided to take Katie’s advice and leave town until I figure things out.
- Figure what out, Luke?
- Figured my feelings out. Figured what I wanted and what I needed and I did. I thought about it really hard. And it was…you can’t imagine how hard it was Noah. It killed me inside. It hurt so much.
- Why?
Luke had tears falling from his eyes now. When Noah had tried to explain why he had pushed him away that last time, he had look at Luke with such eagerness, such hope to get things back together with him. He knew that would never be. But more than that, he knew it should never be. There was a reason Luke hadn’t felt loved by Noah in a long time, but just like Luke before, Noah hadn’t admitted it to himself yet. He still clang at the only thing he knew. He clang at what had made him happy and hoped it would make him happy again. He just hope Noah would realise what Luke had; they couldn’t be happy in a romantic relationship together anymore.
- Noah…what I figure out is that… I want…what I want is what anyone wants really. What I want is what we used to have at the beginning.
- We will. I know it has been hard for us, but I’m better now. We still have things to work out but you’ll see in no time things will be back to what they were before the accident and…
- That’s exactly it Noah. I want things that we had at the beginning of us. I don’t want what we had before the accident.
- What do you mean? Noah asked. His voice had lost its eagerness and was filled with anxiety.
- I want…when I’m with my boyfriend, I want to feel butterflies. I want being with him to enough to make me smile. I want to feel loved and wanted and appreciated for who I am. I want someone who will be as committed to us as I am. Someone who will need me and want me as much as I want him. I need stability. I need to know where I stand and that I can trust my partner with anything without fearing him pushing me away. I need someone who makes me a better person, a person that I enjoy being. I need someone I can always count on, for better or for worse. Someone with whom the idea of forever seems like a very high probability. And I need…I need someone who will accept my caring nature, no actually I need someone who will like my caring nature and let me take care of him as much as he takes care of me.
- Luke…
- Let me finish. Please Noah this is hard enough. Luke choked out I need a relationship that I can believe in. I want and need a lot of things Noah. And those things…..you can’t give me.
- Luke…you don’t know that! Yes it’s been hard these last few months but…
- Noah! Think about it! When was the last time you gave me any of these things? When was the last time I felt like you did? This has been going on since before the accident Noah. I haven’t felt loved or wanted since way before the accident.
- That’s ridiculous!
- Is it? Because Noah, when your boyfriend doesn’t feel loved in the same manner that he loves you, when he feels everything is his fault, when he feels inadequate…there’s a reason for all of those things. You don’t feel like that when your boyfriend is still in love with you.
- I am…how can you even say that! Noah nearly screamed Of course I love you!
- I didn’t say you didn’t love me Noah.
- Yes you did…
- No I said you weren’t in love with me. I know you still love me. And I…I really hope you always will. But I don’t think you love me romantically anymore Noah. You have to stop and think about it. We’ve been together for so long and we’ve loved each other for so long, that we didn’t want to see that our love had changed. We took for granted that because we still loved one another, we were still in love. But as scary and painful as that idea is, the truth is…we haven’t been in love for a while. Think back Noah. Think about the beginning of our relationship. Think about how I made you feel. Can you honestly say that you still feel like that when you’re with me? Can you honestly say that you really want to be together with me? Because I can’t. I’m tired Noah. When I think about our relationship, I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting for something that doesn’t exist anymore. Not with you.
Noah felt like he couldn’t get any air in his lungs. Someone had just rolled over him with their car. It couldn’t be? ‘Please tell me he’s not saying what I think he’s saying’ Noah thought.
- So what are you saying exactly Luke, huh? That it’s over? Just like that?
- No not just like that. It’s been over for a while. And deep, deep down you know it. You just hadn’t received the push I did to figure things out yet.
- I…..I don’t know what to say. I mean…how can you…you don’t know that what we have isn’t romantic anymore. It could just be the normal evolution of things. It’s normal for butterflies to go away. It’s just…we’re in a bad spot right now but…
- Noah, please. I thought about it for days. I cried myself out for days. I know what it feels like to be in love. I know what it feels like to smile every time you see the man you love. I know what it feels like to smile because your man makes you happy, not only because you’re happy for him, which is basically the only kind of sincere smile I’ve had with you for a long time. It’s over Noah. I’m not in love with you anymore. I love you. I do. But it’s more like a very deep friendship. Kinda like family and I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but it’s true. I still love you but not that way.
Noah’s eyes were filled with tears and he was shaking under the emotions that filled his being. His heart hurt so much. It was as if someone was ripping him apart from the inside out. It felt awful. And god, those words ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’? Nothing had ever been so painful to hear. Noah tried to understand what Luke was saying and he did understand some of it. But unlike Luke, he didn’t think it was irreparable. He sincerely thought that they could fall in love again.
- Luke. Maybe what we have isn’t what it used to be. And maybe right now we’re not in love with each other. We’ve gone through some really tough times and our love was hit hard by them. It’s normal for love to diminish under duress but it doesn’t mean it will stay that way. We could fall back in love again Luke. We could take things slow. Start dating like a new couple again. We’ve changed. We need to discover each other again.
- We have changed. And I’d love to discover you again Noah. As a friend.
- But Luke it won’t be as a friend. We’ve loved each other so much, do you really think that if we start all over again, we won’t fall for each other again? Noah said with a rather incredulous tone
Luke cringed at Noah’s last question. He really didn’t want to have to go there. Noah was hurt enough as it was. He didn’t need to know anything else other than Luke not being in love with him anymore. But he didn’t seem to accept that as being definitive, when in reality, it was. Luke was afraid he had no other choice. Noah had to understand that they would never, ever, get back together.
- Yes, Noah, I can. I can honestly say that I won’t fall back in love with you. Ever again. I know it might sound harsh, but I need you to understand. You and me had a beautiful relationship. You made me so happy, you have no idea and I will always be grateful to god for putting you in my path. I wouldn’t change being with you for the world Noah. Thank you for those years. You did truly make me happy. And I was in love with you. You were my first love. My first everything. You made me discover many things about myself, helped me in my times of need and made me evolve, made me a better person. The thing is, now, I’ve evolved in a way that separates our paths. I…I’ve moved on Noah. Things have changed. Our relationship was wonderful, but now it’s part of my past and I won’t ever go back there again. We had our time Noah. And it was an amazing time. But we weren’t meant for forever and now it’s time for us to discover something else.
- How…Noah didn’t know what to say. It hurt so much. You didn’t use to think that. Why do you think that? Why do you think we can’t fall back in love with each other?
Luke bit his lips. Should he really answer that question? He looked at Noah. He was looking so lost and sad….and terrified. He knew how that felt. Noah was desperate to make Luke change his mind because he was afraid. They had been LukeandNoah for so long….Noah didn’t know what it implied for their relationship to be finished. He didn’t know what was ahead and it was scary, so he clanged to his relationship with Luke. Luke had mentally done the same for a long time.
- Noah…I will never be in love with you again because what I feel for you, is a love reserved to family. It won’t ever cross that line again. I’m sorry, but you need to let go. I know it’s scary. I was afraid too. But we’re over Noah. I told you, you can’t give me what I want.
- Are you sure? I mean I can change
- Noah, listen to me, Luke interrupted him, taking the other boy’s hands in his and looking at him right in the eyes. You can’t give me what I want. Noah still looked confused. You are not what I want anymore.
Noah listened to Luke intensely, trying to figure out what the other boy was telling him. He looked back on everything that was said. And then he got it. When Luke had been talking about what he wanted and needed, he had had a huge smile over his face even though he wasn’t getting those things with Noah. He was getting them from someone else.
- You have someone else. Luke blushed at Noah’s finding.
- I…I have the hope of someone else, yes. Luke said shyly.
- I see…since when?
- A while, Luke sigh. He didn’t want to hurt Noah even more, but he didn’t want to lie either. Noah meant too much for him. But Noah, even without the hope of someone else, I would have still said all those things to you today. I’m not breaking up with you for another guy. I’m calling things off for good because I don’t love you like that anymore. And that won’t change whether this guy wants to start something with me or not.
- Can I ask whom? Noah’s tone had grown colder with each passing moment
- I don’t think it’s a good idea. Nothing is official between us and really…it’ll just hurt you Noah. I think I did that enough today.
- You think it’s better if I walk down the street and see you with him? Especially if I know him! I’d like a little warning. You know be able to avoid your paramour.
Luke bit his lips. Damn, what was he supposed to do? Before he had left, Reid hadn’t wanted Noah to know about them but…’Oh Reid. I really hope I’m not making a mistake here.’ Luke thought.
- I…it’s… ‘Lord this is so hard’ thought Luke.
- It’s? Noah insisted
- …Reid, Luke answered after taking a deep breath
- Reid…as in Dr.Oliver? You’re interested in my doctor? Noah exclaimed. He couldn’t believe it.
- See I told you it was a bad idea to tell you.
- Well excuse me for being a little shocked. You guys hated each other or was that just subterfuge to hide your relationship from me?
- First, as of yet, Reid and I have not had a relationship and I’m not 100% sure we will have one in the future. Second, we didn’t hate each other as much as we couldn’t stand each other. I used to drive Reid completely mad and he annoyed me like no other. But…I got to see sides of him while working with him and then in Texas that I hadn’t thought existed and…he makes me happy Noah. I’m sorry but when I hang out with him, I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.
- Yeah, Noah choked out painfully, you did look like you were having fun with him there a couple of times. I guess…there’s really nothing I can do about it. If you love Dr. Oliver and you don’t love me anymore.
- I do love you just…
- Not the way I want you to.
- The way you want me to love you, isn’t the way you need me to love you.
- Maybe. Noah admitted. But I’m not really sure about that. I…I think…Look Luke, I know you probably want to be friends and all, but I can’t ok? I just…
- You need time.
- Yeah.
- Ok. Take as much time as you want Noah. I will miss you. I care for you a lot. But I know this is painful. Believe it or not, I’m in emotional pain too right now. It hurts that we’re over Noah. Don’t think it doesn’t. Don’t think for a second moving on from you wasn’t the most excruciating thing I’ve ever had to do. But…there was really no other choice but this for me. I understand you need to be away from me for a while. I respect that. Just…just come find me when you’re ready. Ok?
- Yeah
Luke looked at his first love with tears in his eyes and a broken heart. Noah seemed so devastated. It hurt. But there really was no other way. He gave Noah one last bone-breaking hug before leaving the other man to deal with all of this. Noah stayed stiff in Luke’s hug and once his boy…ex-boyfriend had closed the door, Noah Mayer collapsed in heart-wrenching sobs.
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AN: ok this is it. Hoped you liked! I'll try to have chapter 9 up by tomorrow night, but I want to try working on "and nothing else" too , so depending on inspiration and how fast I'm able to write, it might take longer. I'll do my best though!
Author: KittyBlackCat
Disclaimer: Luke and Reid aren't dating so, I don't own ATWT or its characters
Rating: PG-13(to be safe)
Summary: Post episode of May 20th. Luke is left at the bar with a constricting heart and confused mind. Can he figure things out and make the right choice?
Chapter summary: Basically, Luke settling his plan for Reid and going to talk to Noah
Word count: 4656
Previous chapter: chap1/ chap2/ chap3/ chap4/ chap5/ chap6/ chap7
AN: I know I said Reid would be in this chap but I'm sorry to say he's not. (he is mentioned though! that counts for something right?) Yeah, see this is longer than I had expected (I feel like a broken record. I always say that. What can I say, concise isn't one of my middle names) But don't worry Reid is coming up next chapter!
Chapter 8
Luke knew what to do about Reid. He wasn’t completely sure that his idea would work out like he wanted it to, but it was better than having an awkward conversation with the doctor, opening his heart completely, only to have him doubt Luke’s words. This way, he would know exactly what Luke has been through. He would understand why he had been so indecisive before. Or at least Luke really hoped so. But first, he needed to find a way to get it to Reid, without risking Reid seeing him do it. Luke was so nervous he felt like he was going to jump out of his skin. His palms were sweaty and trembling. The anticipation was killing him. All he wanted to do was marched up to that hospital, find Reid and kiss the daylight out of him. But unfortunately, he knew he couldn’t. There were steps to take before starting something with Reid, assuming that Reid wanted a serious relationship at all. Luke was pretty sure he did, but he knew the other man could be quite difficult and closed off. ‘Well, I guess I’ll just have to keep on fighting if he turns me down the first time.’ Luke thought. Once arrived at Memorial, Luke sent a text to Allison and waited for her in the parking lot. It only took a couple of minutes for his friend to join him.
- Luke, Allison screamed, what’s going on?
- Hey Alli! Luke answered hugging his friend. Long time no see.
- Yes and what exactly was that all about? I don’t see you at the hospital for days, which is unusual, and when I go to your house for a visit, I’m told that you’ve left time for someplace unknown for who knows how long and no one has been able to reach you! Do you know how worried I was? I know we haven’t been that close in the last few months, but Luke you’re still my friend. I still care about you and if something is wrong, you have to know you can trust me to be there for you. No need to run away.
- Thanks Alli. I appreciate it, but nothing’s wrong anymore. Luke said smiling like he hadn’t done for a long time. Ok so actually, that’s not totally true. I still have things to work out with people and it’s probably going to be quite difficult, but I’m hopeful and I know what I want and that feels so good, you have no idea.
- Ok wait…go back. You know what you want now, so you didn’t before. Is this about getting back together with Noah? Are you guys hooking up again?
- No, Luke answered Allison’s hopeful question more firmly than he had wanted, Noah and I are over. Look Alli, I left to figure out my feelings. What I wanted, what I needed and who could give those things to me. Noah wasn’t the one who could.
- Wait, the one? You mean there’s someone else in the portrait? Luke’s intense blushed answered her question, Who?
- Well, I know it may seem strange, considering how we started but…
- Oh my god! Allison interrupted, putting all the signals she had witnessed in the last few months together, you love Dr.Oliver!
- What? Luke said in surprise at his friend insight.
- Oh my god! I can’t believe I didn’t know that. I could I not see? It was so obvious.
- Alli! You couldn’t have known. Reid and I were pretty discreet about it.
- Are you kidding me? You were giving him the eyes about every time you saw him! I can’t believe I didn’t put two and two together. I mean I saw it all the time, I should have known, but I was so sure you were still crazy in love with Noah….ooooohhhh. Noah. Thank god he was blind. He would not have taken those looks well.
- What looks? What are “the eyes”
- You know, Allison said to her apparently clueless friend, the I’m-dying-to-push-you-on-my-bed-and-lick-every-inch-of-you-body eyes.
Luke gave her an incredulous look. He didn’t look at Reid like that? Did he?
- Oh yes you look at him like that. Seriously, the eye-sexing you did with Dr.Oliver was intense it made me nauseous. I think that’s why it didn’t click until now. The implications were much too detailed for me. I really didn’t need those kinds of mental images between the hard-ass doctor I work with and one of my best friends. I could have never looked at him in the eye again. Thank you lord for giving humans the ability of denial and of suppressing things into your subconscious.
- Well, I hope you can look at him in the eye now; I don’t want Reid to suspect you know something. I’m not exactly sure where we’re going or how he’d react to others knowing yet. So please keep it quiet ok? I don’t need rumours about my relationship with Reid before I get to start a relationship with Reid.
- Don’t worry. You know you can trust me. And beside, who in the world would believe me? Now, how about you tell me what that favour is?
- Right, Luke said reaching into his bag, I need you to put this somewhere you’re sure Reid will find it. Today. The sooner he gets it, the sooner he can figure things out on his side.
- Ooookay. You know what you’re doing.
- Not totally, but I was afraid that an open-hearted serious talk would make him bolt.
- I can see him do that. Honestly Luke I don’t know what in the world you can see in that man. He’s just so…argh! But it’s obvious he makes you happy. You’ve smile more in the last ten minutes than you have in the last ten months. He’s good for you. I don’t get it, and him coming to our friendly dinners will be awkward at first, but he seems good for you, so I’ll accept it and try to make him feel welcome in the world of Luke Snyder’s entourage.
- Thanks Alli. I can’t tell you how much that means to me, Luke hugged her. Thank you for doing this. I really didn’t want to risk seeing Reid before my talk with Noah.
The friends hugged a little longer before separating and leaving to accomplish their mission. For Luke, it was to find Noah. For Allison, it was to put a notebook and letter somewhere Dr.Oliver would find it.
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When Luke arrived at Noah’s place, his smile was long gone. Although he had been happier in the last few days, it was still painful to think about Noah and about how their relationship was over for good. It was closing down an incredibly important chapter in his life and it wasn’t easy to do. It hadn’t been easy to do the transition between childhood and adolescence; it wasn’t any easier to close the chapter of his adolescence and his teenage love to open the chapter of adulthood. Gripping as much courage as he could, Luke knocked on the door and waited. It wasn’t long before Noah Mayer, his first love, the boy who had been the center of his universe for years had opened the door.
- Hey, Luke said
- Luke? …Hi
- Do you…do you have…I need to talk to you. Are you busy right now?
- No, no. I had nothing plan for this afternoon. It’s good to see you.
- It’s good to see you too Noah, Luke said sincerely.
‘Wow. This isn’t awkward a bit’ Luke thought sarcastically. The tension in the room was palatable. Neither boy really knew where to start. Noah was feeling unsure of where he stood with Luke. The last time he had seen him, he had told Luke to leave. He wanted Luke to be there for him because he wanted to, not because he felt he had to. How could he explain that? How could he tell Luke that he had missed him so much, even though he had been the one to push the other away? How do you tell a guy you’ve pushed away that it hurt you when he didn’t try to contact you afterwards? For Luke, things weren’t any easier. After all, is there really a politically correct way to start the conversation where you will put a definite stop to your romantic relationship with your long-time ex-boyfriend and tell him you want to stay friends? Luke didn’t think so. No matter how he started and what he said, that conversation was going to hurt. ‘I guess I’ll just go with the flow’ Luke thought ‘explain to him how I see things now’
- I’ve….Luke started. I don’t know if you knew this, but I’ve been gone for the last two weeks and I’ve just come back to Oakdale.
Luke swallowed. He had the Sahara desert in his mouth. It was an incredibly uncomfortable feeling. Lord, what was he doing there? Should he have waited longer? No. He had to do this now. No backing down. No matter when he had this conversation, it would be painful. Beside, he had Reid to think about now. Both Noah and the doctor deserved Luke coming clean about his feelings once and for all. As for Noah, he felt a little better knowing that the reason Luke hadn’t been trying to see him again was because he wasn’t in Oakdale.
- You went on a business meeting? How was it?
- No. I…I didn’t go on a business meeting Noah
- Then why did you leave? Asked a confused Noah, was it because of what I said? Luke, the only reason I said that is because I wanted you to be there with me because you wanted to, not because you felt oblige to it. I wanted you to want to be with me for me, not out of obligation.
- I…ok I can understand that. But Noah, you were never an obligation to me. I never did anything for you out of guilt or obligation. I did it because I care for you very much and I will do anything to help my friends as much as I can. You should know that.
- I know. I know. I guess I was being a little silly, but you had been distant that entire day and…wait.
Noah paused and thought back on what Luke had just said. ‘To help my friends’. Luke had used the words ‘to help my friends’. Not ‘to help the man I love’ or ‘to help my boyfriend’, but ‘to help my friends’. Did that mean something or was it just a fluke? Something you say without meaning anything without it? Luke looked at Noah’s confused face and wondered what he could be pondering over. Then he realised. Ah. That wasn’t exactly how he had imagined approaching the subject, but he knew that this wouldn’t go down like any of the hundred versions he had imagined of this conversation.
- Look Noah, I…I love you very much. I do. And that will never change. But you were right when you said I was being distant with you. I was. I was hiding from you as much as possible because…I really didn’t know left from right anymore. Everything was such a mess. For months you had been pushing me away and all of a sudden, because you had your eyesight back, you miraculously wanted to be with me again.
- It wasn’t like that…
- It felt like that, interrupted Luke with a stronger and slightly harsh voice. It felt like our relationship depended on your sight. But I loved you with it or not. My love for you hadn’t changed after the accident Noah. I still loved you and I wanted to be there for you because that’s how I am with the people I love. I like to take care of others as much as I like being taken care of. But you wouldn’t let me take care of you. Worst, you made me feel like there was something wrong with me for wanting to take care of you. You made me feel like I was at fault for our problems. But it takes two to tango Noah. I wasn’t the only one who was giving the other what he needed.
Noah wasn’t sure how to take any of that. He wasn’t sure where this was going but he knew deep down in his gut, that he wouldn’t like it.
- Listen. Before I left, I was confused and hurting. And after talking to my mom and Katie, I decided to take Katie’s advice and leave town until I figure things out.
- Figure what out, Luke?
- Figured my feelings out. Figured what I wanted and what I needed and I did. I thought about it really hard. And it was…you can’t imagine how hard it was Noah. It killed me inside. It hurt so much.
- Why?
Luke had tears falling from his eyes now. When Noah had tried to explain why he had pushed him away that last time, he had look at Luke with such eagerness, such hope to get things back together with him. He knew that would never be. But more than that, he knew it should never be. There was a reason Luke hadn’t felt loved by Noah in a long time, but just like Luke before, Noah hadn’t admitted it to himself yet. He still clang at the only thing he knew. He clang at what had made him happy and hoped it would make him happy again. He just hope Noah would realise what Luke had; they couldn’t be happy in a romantic relationship together anymore.
- Noah…what I figure out is that… I want…what I want is what anyone wants really. What I want is what we used to have at the beginning.
- We will. I know it has been hard for us, but I’m better now. We still have things to work out but you’ll see in no time things will be back to what they were before the accident and…
- That’s exactly it Noah. I want things that we had at the beginning of us. I don’t want what we had before the accident.
- What do you mean? Noah asked. His voice had lost its eagerness and was filled with anxiety.
- I want…when I’m with my boyfriend, I want to feel butterflies. I want being with him to enough to make me smile. I want to feel loved and wanted and appreciated for who I am. I want someone who will be as committed to us as I am. Someone who will need me and want me as much as I want him. I need stability. I need to know where I stand and that I can trust my partner with anything without fearing him pushing me away. I need someone who makes me a better person, a person that I enjoy being. I need someone I can always count on, for better or for worse. Someone with whom the idea of forever seems like a very high probability. And I need…I need someone who will accept my caring nature, no actually I need someone who will like my caring nature and let me take care of him as much as he takes care of me.
- Luke…
- Let me finish. Please Noah this is hard enough. Luke choked out I need a relationship that I can believe in. I want and need a lot of things Noah. And those things…..you can’t give me.
- Luke…you don’t know that! Yes it’s been hard these last few months but…
- Noah! Think about it! When was the last time you gave me any of these things? When was the last time I felt like you did? This has been going on since before the accident Noah. I haven’t felt loved or wanted since way before the accident.
- That’s ridiculous!
- Is it? Because Noah, when your boyfriend doesn’t feel loved in the same manner that he loves you, when he feels everything is his fault, when he feels inadequate…there’s a reason for all of those things. You don’t feel like that when your boyfriend is still in love with you.
- I am…how can you even say that! Noah nearly screamed Of course I love you!
- I didn’t say you didn’t love me Noah.
- Yes you did…
- No I said you weren’t in love with me. I know you still love me. And I…I really hope you always will. But I don’t think you love me romantically anymore Noah. You have to stop and think about it. We’ve been together for so long and we’ve loved each other for so long, that we didn’t want to see that our love had changed. We took for granted that because we still loved one another, we were still in love. But as scary and painful as that idea is, the truth is…we haven’t been in love for a while. Think back Noah. Think about the beginning of our relationship. Think about how I made you feel. Can you honestly say that you still feel like that when you’re with me? Can you honestly say that you really want to be together with me? Because I can’t. I’m tired Noah. When I think about our relationship, I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting for something that doesn’t exist anymore. Not with you.
Noah felt like he couldn’t get any air in his lungs. Someone had just rolled over him with their car. It couldn’t be? ‘Please tell me he’s not saying what I think he’s saying’ Noah thought.
- So what are you saying exactly Luke, huh? That it’s over? Just like that?
- No not just like that. It’s been over for a while. And deep, deep down you know it. You just hadn’t received the push I did to figure things out yet.
- I…..I don’t know what to say. I mean…how can you…you don’t know that what we have isn’t romantic anymore. It could just be the normal evolution of things. It’s normal for butterflies to go away. It’s just…we’re in a bad spot right now but…
- Noah, please. I thought about it for days. I cried myself out for days. I know what it feels like to be in love. I know what it feels like to smile every time you see the man you love. I know what it feels like to smile because your man makes you happy, not only because you’re happy for him, which is basically the only kind of sincere smile I’ve had with you for a long time. It’s over Noah. I’m not in love with you anymore. I love you. I do. But it’s more like a very deep friendship. Kinda like family and I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but it’s true. I still love you but not that way.
Noah’s eyes were filled with tears and he was shaking under the emotions that filled his being. His heart hurt so much. It was as if someone was ripping him apart from the inside out. It felt awful. And god, those words ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’? Nothing had ever been so painful to hear. Noah tried to understand what Luke was saying and he did understand some of it. But unlike Luke, he didn’t think it was irreparable. He sincerely thought that they could fall in love again.
- Luke. Maybe what we have isn’t what it used to be. And maybe right now we’re not in love with each other. We’ve gone through some really tough times and our love was hit hard by them. It’s normal for love to diminish under duress but it doesn’t mean it will stay that way. We could fall back in love again Luke. We could take things slow. Start dating like a new couple again. We’ve changed. We need to discover each other again.
- We have changed. And I’d love to discover you again Noah. As a friend.
- But Luke it won’t be as a friend. We’ve loved each other so much, do you really think that if we start all over again, we won’t fall for each other again? Noah said with a rather incredulous tone
Luke cringed at Noah’s last question. He really didn’t want to have to go there. Noah was hurt enough as it was. He didn’t need to know anything else other than Luke not being in love with him anymore. But he didn’t seem to accept that as being definitive, when in reality, it was. Luke was afraid he had no other choice. Noah had to understand that they would never, ever, get back together.
- Yes, Noah, I can. I can honestly say that I won’t fall back in love with you. Ever again. I know it might sound harsh, but I need you to understand. You and me had a beautiful relationship. You made me so happy, you have no idea and I will always be grateful to god for putting you in my path. I wouldn’t change being with you for the world Noah. Thank you for those years. You did truly make me happy. And I was in love with you. You were my first love. My first everything. You made me discover many things about myself, helped me in my times of need and made me evolve, made me a better person. The thing is, now, I’ve evolved in a way that separates our paths. I…I’ve moved on Noah. Things have changed. Our relationship was wonderful, but now it’s part of my past and I won’t ever go back there again. We had our time Noah. And it was an amazing time. But we weren’t meant for forever and now it’s time for us to discover something else.
- How…Noah didn’t know what to say. It hurt so much. You didn’t use to think that. Why do you think that? Why do you think we can’t fall back in love with each other?
Luke bit his lips. Should he really answer that question? He looked at Noah. He was looking so lost and sad….and terrified. He knew how that felt. Noah was desperate to make Luke change his mind because he was afraid. They had been LukeandNoah for so long….Noah didn’t know what it implied for their relationship to be finished. He didn’t know what was ahead and it was scary, so he clanged to his relationship with Luke. Luke had mentally done the same for a long time.
- Noah…I will never be in love with you again because what I feel for you, is a love reserved to family. It won’t ever cross that line again. I’m sorry, but you need to let go. I know it’s scary. I was afraid too. But we’re over Noah. I told you, you can’t give me what I want.
- Are you sure? I mean I can change
- Noah, listen to me, Luke interrupted him, taking the other boy’s hands in his and looking at him right in the eyes. You can’t give me what I want. Noah still looked confused. You are not what I want anymore.
Noah listened to Luke intensely, trying to figure out what the other boy was telling him. He looked back on everything that was said. And then he got it. When Luke had been talking about what he wanted and needed, he had had a huge smile over his face even though he wasn’t getting those things with Noah. He was getting them from someone else.
- You have someone else. Luke blushed at Noah’s finding.
- I…I have the hope of someone else, yes. Luke said shyly.
- I see…since when?
- A while, Luke sigh. He didn’t want to hurt Noah even more, but he didn’t want to lie either. Noah meant too much for him. But Noah, even without the hope of someone else, I would have still said all those things to you today. I’m not breaking up with you for another guy. I’m calling things off for good because I don’t love you like that anymore. And that won’t change whether this guy wants to start something with me or not.
- Can I ask whom? Noah’s tone had grown colder with each passing moment
- I don’t think it’s a good idea. Nothing is official between us and really…it’ll just hurt you Noah. I think I did that enough today.
- You think it’s better if I walk down the street and see you with him? Especially if I know him! I’d like a little warning. You know be able to avoid your paramour.
Luke bit his lips. Damn, what was he supposed to do? Before he had left, Reid hadn’t wanted Noah to know about them but…’Oh Reid. I really hope I’m not making a mistake here.’ Luke thought.
- I…it’s… ‘Lord this is so hard’ thought Luke.
- It’s? Noah insisted
- …Reid, Luke answered after taking a deep breath
- Reid…as in Dr.Oliver? You’re interested in my doctor? Noah exclaimed. He couldn’t believe it.
- See I told you it was a bad idea to tell you.
- Well excuse me for being a little shocked. You guys hated each other or was that just subterfuge to hide your relationship from me?
- First, as of yet, Reid and I have not had a relationship and I’m not 100% sure we will have one in the future. Second, we didn’t hate each other as much as we couldn’t stand each other. I used to drive Reid completely mad and he annoyed me like no other. But…I got to see sides of him while working with him and then in Texas that I hadn’t thought existed and…he makes me happy Noah. I’m sorry but when I hang out with him, I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.
- Yeah, Noah choked out painfully, you did look like you were having fun with him there a couple of times. I guess…there’s really nothing I can do about it. If you love Dr. Oliver and you don’t love me anymore.
- I do love you just…
- Not the way I want you to.
- The way you want me to love you, isn’t the way you need me to love you.
- Maybe. Noah admitted. But I’m not really sure about that. I…I think…Look Luke, I know you probably want to be friends and all, but I can’t ok? I just…
- You need time.
- Yeah.
- Ok. Take as much time as you want Noah. I will miss you. I care for you a lot. But I know this is painful. Believe it or not, I’m in emotional pain too right now. It hurts that we’re over Noah. Don’t think it doesn’t. Don’t think for a second moving on from you wasn’t the most excruciating thing I’ve ever had to do. But…there was really no other choice but this for me. I understand you need to be away from me for a while. I respect that. Just…just come find me when you’re ready. Ok?
- Yeah
Luke looked at his first love with tears in his eyes and a broken heart. Noah seemed so devastated. It hurt. But there really was no other way. He gave Noah one last bone-breaking hug before leaving the other man to deal with all of this. Noah stayed stiff in Luke’s hug and once his boy…ex-boyfriend had closed the door, Noah Mayer collapsed in heart-wrenching sobs.
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AN: ok this is it. Hoped you liked! I'll try to have chapter 9 up by tomorrow night, but I want to try working on "and nothing else" too , so depending on inspiration and how fast I'm able to write, it might take longer. I'll do my best though!