Le choix du coeur (2/?)
Summary: Post episode of May 20th. Luke is left at the bar with a constricting heart and confused mind. Can he figure things out and make the right choice?
Disclaimer: Still don’t own anything and LuRe still isn’t an official couple yet L
Note: still not beta-ed sorry. I’m weirdly in an impatient mood(I’m normally patient) If it gets too bad, just tell me nicely.
‘blah, blah’ means thoughts
‘blah, blah’ means thoughts of Luke’s inner voice(conscience)
- still means speech
Chapter 2
Luke was flabbergasted. He couldn’t believe that his mom had invented a situation with Faith to explain things to him. And he couldn’t believe he hadn’t realised what she was doing the minute she talked about an ex-girlfriend being in the portrait. And finally, he couldn’t believe his mother was telling him he was being unfair to both Reid and Noah by stringing them along. ‘But that’s not what I’m doing! I’m not like that’ Luke thought. But deep down, he knew that it was partially true. No, he never meant to give either of them hope and then crush it. He never meant to hurt them like this, but he did. And Noah thought Luke was there for him only out of duty and Reid…
‘OMG Reid. What have I done? He wanted me. He told me that. And instead of telling him I wanted him too, I kept telling him I loved Noah and couldn’t leave his side. It’s the truth, but it doesn’t mean I feel nothing for Reid. But I never told him I did feel something. Perhaps he just doesn’t think I care for him. I have to find him’
With a goal now set on his mind, Luke left the bar and got into his car. He first tried the hospital since Reid sometimes seemed to live there, but no one had seen him since he left for the bar. ‘So Katie’s place then’ Luke arrived there in a record time, but once in front of door, couldn’t get himself to knock. ‘This is ridiculous, come on, Luke just knock and then tell Reid…’
‘ Tell him what?’ a voice that sounded suspiciously like his mother responded
‘How do you think this is going to play out Luke? What do you think will be the first thing out of Reid’s mouth?”
‘What are you doing here?’ Luke answered his mother-look-alike voice.
‘Exactly. And what are you going to tell him? That you don’t know? That you’re not sure? Honey, we just had this conversation. The boy was hurting Faith by never giving her a straight answer and playing with her feelings. Faith needed to know one way or the other what he wanted. You said it wasn’t fair to her what he was doing. So what are you doing here?’
Ok this was a little freaky. He knew people talked about having inner voices but he’d never heard anything about having your mother talking to you inside your head.
‘Honey, I’m not your mother. I’m your inner voice. Basically I’m you. I just sound like your mother because presently she has a lot more sense than you do. Do you know how bad that is? Do you have any idea how many times I commented in your head about your mother’s awful skills at dealing with relationships? I’m the one who thought all those ugly comments about her and yet using her voice is more pleasant right now than using your own!’
The little mom-look-alike voice was right. Freaky, and probably a sign that he should ask Reid for a MRI, but right nonetheless. He couldn’t go in there. It would be a repeat of the bar. Whatever it was that Reid wanted from Luke, it was obvious that Luke wasn’t giving it to him. No, he couldn’t talk to Reid, not yet.
Luke looked one last time at the door and turned around to leave. He walked back from where he came from without looking only to run right into someone. His first thought was ‘ Oh God no. Don’t let it be Reid’. His second thought was ‘Uhm no. Way too much curves and softness to be Reid’
-Luke are you alright?
Katie. He ran into Katie.
- Uh yeah I’m fine Katie. I’ll just…I’ll just go.
- Are you looking for Reid?
- No, no. Well, yes I was but…no.
- Yes or no, Luke?
- I don’t know.
- Seems like your favourite sentence these days
- Reid told you uh?
- Heck no. Most of the time I’d need medieval torture devices to make that guy talk about his feelings. No your mom did. Jacob and I met her when she was leaving the hospital looking for you. She mentioned something about Reid in the passing so I asked her if she knew anything about why my roommate’s new definition of “busy” is hugging a pillow to himself while looking like someone killed his puppy, his entire family, then cut off his hands so he’ll never be able to do another surgery again.
Luke swallowed hard. The Reid Oliver he met months ago was a hard ass. He was sarcastic, determined, had a huge ego and preferred to stay away from feelings in general…He would have never been caught hugging a pillow. Heck, he would have never had so much sadness in his eyes like today. It wasn’t right. Looking back, it seemed like Reid had absolutely no energy left in his body today. And Luke was too much of an idiot to realise that something was terribly and horribly wrong with his Reid. He should have. That man used sarcasm every two sentences and usually smiled at least one time when Luke was around. He never thought he could miss a smile so much.
- Luke how about you come in? I’m a pretty good listener and Reid took Jacob for a walk in the park to clear his mind, so it’ll just be the two of us.
- I uh….yeah ok.
Katie had always been so nice to him. She never judged. He knew he could talk to her and hopefully her living with Reid would give her insights no one else has.
- Take a seat. Do you want a soda?
- Yes that would be nice.
- Alright, Katie said sitting down beside Luke. Talk.
So he did. He told her about the whole Noah break up and how devastated he had been about it. He told her about the flirting he’d been doing with Reid for quite some time now and about Dallas and the kiss that made his knees go weak. He told her about the discussion back from Dallas and he even told her what happened the day Reid “cracked open Noah’s skull”.
- And now, Noah doesn’t want me around, even though just yesterday he wanted to work on putting things back together and Reid…well Reid... he just…he just quit you know. He told Noah to fight for me and then left me at the bar with a “I can’t do this”
- And how did that make you feel.
- Well I don’t know Katie, how do you think it made me feel?
- Alright then. How did it make you feel compared to what Noah said? Did you feel worse after speaking to Reid or after speaking to Noah?
- I…I don’t know.
- Come on Luke. That answer you DO know.
Luke took a minute to think back. Which rejection made him feel worse? When Noah told him that he wanted him to leave, it had hurt him. He wanted to be there for him, to help him heal. He needed to help him. Leaving people he cared about alone when they needed someone was against Luke’s nature. Not to mention, it left him thoroughly confused since it was a 180 degree from the discussions they had on the roof and at the pond. He felt a rock in his stomach at the time and was slightly dizzy from the shock. And with Reid? With Reid, he felt that the rug was pull from under him and he was falling. Acid bile came up his throat and a rock tore open his stomach. He still felt nauseous when his mother arrived. When Noah pushed him away, it felt like when Faith did the same thing. When Reid pushed him away, it felt like when Noah constantly rejected him after the accident. It made him feel miserable and inadequate.
- Reid. It hurt more with Reid. But then again that’s to be expected right? I mean, Noah pushing me away isn’t exactly new. I guess I’m used to it now.
- Luke, when you’re in love with someone, rejection never becomes easier. Not until you fall out of love.
- But I still love Noah, Katie. I still want him to be healthy and happy!
- And what, you think I wish that all my ex-boyfriends were miserable simply because I’m not in love with them anymore?
- Well no but…
- And you think your parents don’t care about each other at all anymore.
- No but…
- Luke, listen. I loved Brad more than life itself and I still do. But maybe, in the future, I won’t be in love with Brad anymore. You can’t stay in love forever with someone who is not there. But when I will get over Brad, I will still love him deeply. He was the love of my life at one point. Perhaps he would have stayed the love of my life forever, but you never know. I know it’s hard to let go of someone you once loved so much. I haven’t been able to do it yet. But I’m still in love with Brad. You love Noah. Nobody ever doubted that for a second. But there’s a difference between caring, loving and being in love.
- I know.
- Do you? Do you know which of the three you feel towards Noah?
Yet again, Luke was left without an answer except an “I don’t know”. He truly had no idea. Katie looked at him with a sad look on her face. Her nephew really had no clue about his own feelings. Then again, she couldn’t blame him. She adored Reid but really, that guy had the worst timing. He arrived in Luke’s life at a point where stress and emotions ran higher than any other time before. Even if Reid hadn’t been there, Luke would still have found himself in a dilemma. He would have had to decide if he wanted to date Noah again and would still be unsure of the answer. So if you throw Reid into this mess too, then obviously it was absolutely impossible for him to sort things out. Especially, since he was almost always around both guys. When did he have the time to sort things out with himself, away from the pressuring and influence of the two men? Suddenly, Katie knew what she had to do to help Luke.
- Alright Luke. You want to fix things with both Noah and Reid right?
- Yes of course.
- And you are aware that it is impossible to do so if things stay the same right?
- Right.
- Luke, whether you want to be with Noah or Reid or neither of them, it’s not here that you’ll find the answer. You need to go away from Oakdale for a while.
- What? Why? Katie I can’t fix anything if I’m not here!
- Actually Luke, you can’t fix anything if you stay here. Talking to them is useless because right now, you’re the one who needs fixing. You cannot be in any kind of relationship if you don’t know what you want, what you need, what you love… Luke right now, your relationships are a mess because you’re a mess. Your emotions are all over the place.
- And how am I supposed to fix that?
- By getting to know yourself again, Luke. You’ve changed. All the situations that have been happening to you made you evolve in someone different than the old Luke. Someone whose needs are different too. Make a list of what has changed, what you want and mostly what you’re looking for in a relationship. And don’t think about Noah or Reid when making that list! Think only of yourself.
Alright, Luke could do that, right? I mean how hard can it be to know what you need? ‘Do you really want me to answer that? ‘Cause let me tell you honey, you will not like my answer. Especially since I have nice little flashbacks videos to prove my point!’ ‘Well if you’re so intelligent, mom-like inner voice, why don’t you write that list?’ ‘Because you need to know what I know or you’ll never make the right choice. You need to be 100% sure before going to both guys and tell them what’s what’ Luke nodded to the little voice. Katie took that as a sign of understanding from his part and continued.
- Then, I want you to go somewhere all alone and think of two things while there. First, forget completely about Reid. You’ve never met him. It’s been just you and Noah ever since the accident. There’s nothing else and no other relationship option out there for you except for Noah. Now I want you to focus on every single thing that has happened between you and Noah in the last year. Look at what went right and what went wrong. Go back before the accident. Think back on the happy times where you were in love with him and then compare the feelings of back then to the feelings of now. Once that is done, even if you find out that you’re still in love with Noah, I want you to take your list, and based on the last year, ask yourself “Can Noah give me what I need and want?” Because Luke, if the answer is no, then you have your answer on whether to go back to Noah or not.
- But if I still love him…
- Then you’ll be unhappy in your relationship until one of you breaks it off. Stop thinking about what Noah or Reid needs. If you don’t get what you need, you will destroy yourself by staying in the relationship. Why do you think some people start cheating? Because they need something their partner can’t give them.
- Alright, what’s the second thing you want me to do?
- The exact same thing, but this time with Reid. Don’t think about Noah and answer the same questions. And yes that includes comparing your feelings to Reid to the feelings you had for Noah in happy times. It also includes being objective once again about your list. And Luke, if it ends up that neither of them is what you need, don’t force yourself to go to one of them to make that person happy. It’s okay to be alone until you find the right fit.
- Alright. Thanks Katie. I think… I think I’m going to do that right now. You’re right. It really can’t go on like this.
With that said, Katie gave Luke a much needed hug and whispered reassuring words in his ear. He said his goodbye and was almost out of the door, when a thought occurred to him.
- Hey Katie. Could you tell Reid what I’ll be doing please. When he left the bar, it felt so final. It felt like he had decided to shut me out for good. I…I don’t want to come back here only to find out that I’m too late and Reid is not an option anymore. I just…I just couldn’t take it if he were to reject me if I told him he was the one. So… Can you tell him that there IS a chance that it’s him? And to not give up on me…on us just yet?
- Of course I’ll tell him. But you really don’t have to worry about that Luke. If you come back here 100% sure that the answer is not Noah and you can find closure, then there is no way Reid will ever push away. You’d need an entire army of crowbars to pry him away from you. But you have to be sure of your decision because Luke, if you go to Reid and then change your mind, you’ll be guaranteeing that he will never open his heart to another man again.
Luke gulped. His heart constricted at the idea that he had the power to hurt Reid to a point where he would lock his heart and throw away the key for good. Whatever answers he will find, he’ll have to be careful with how he handles the situation with Reid. The last thing he wants is for Reid to shut himself out from people. It took a long time to get him to this point and even then, the change is mostly only around Katie, Jacob and him. Reid has too much to offer to cut himself off the world.