And nothing else (9/?)
Title: And nothing else.
Author: KittyBlackCat
Disclaimer: If I owned them, I wouldn't be filled with tears in my eyes, deep sadness, bitterness and an anger both so intense you wouldn't believe, whenever I think of ATWT or worse about a certain head author who's name I won't mentioned.
Rating: PG-13(to be safe)
Summary: Post episode of June 17th. Reid said that he would do nothing else but his job. Just how far along that line will he go?
Words: 5796 words
Previous parts: Part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part6, part7, part8
AN: Hi everyone! Here's your weekly update! Tried to do twice a week but with school I really can' at the moment. I'll still try though, but yeah once every 7 days (about, maybe a little more than 7) you have an update! REally hope you like it!!!
Chapter 9
Reid Oliver was sick of this! Lying in a bed was exhausting. He needed to do something. This was so boring it made a James Joyce text seem like the most entertaining thing in the world. And Reid hated James Joyce. But he hated this even more. Luke’s absence was doubly bad. First, the last time he had been in, they had fought and Reid hadn’t heard back from Luke in the last 3 days (and no that didn’t worry him one bit). Second, Luke was the one entertaining him most of the time which meant that he had been spending the last few days mostly alone with nothing else to do then the super-easy crosswords of the New-York Times. His legs were itching for a walk. Sure nurse Allison had picked him up every day and taken him outside in a wheelchair, then supervised him as he walked around, but still….this was really boring and lonely. Allison and Katie had both told him to be patient with Luke; that if he hadn’t shown up yet it meant that he was figuring things out before coming to talk to him. Both women had been trying to convince him that this was a good thing; that Luke was seriously finding solutions and would come back completely ready to commit himself to Reid. Reid wasn’t that optimistic. His heart clenched every time he thought of Luke. What if the younger man decided to go speak to Mayer and realised he was better off with him? Or what if Mayer manipulated Luke into thinking they should go back together. He seriously didn’t put it past Noah to do so and Luke would easily fall into Mayer’s trap. Noah just couldn’t do anything bad in Luke’s eyes. And apparently he wasn’t the only one thinking that. He had heard Katie and Allison talking to each other two days ago. It seemed that Nurse Stewart had raised that exact point in her conversation with Luke. He was really starting to like that girl. She was kind of Luke’s Katie in a way, which was good because according to Katie, if she wasn’t there for Reid, the other man would be completely lost when it comes to emotional/social interaction and would never get anything resolve in his couple. She had a point. He did tend to be oblivious about certain things and apparently so could Luke. Well weren’t they just the pair!
“Good morning sunshine!” Katie’s head appeared through the door. Reid groaned.
“No actually Katie, it’s not a good morning. What kind of greeting is ‘Good morning’ anyway? I mean chances are the person you’re telling it to is not having a good morning at all. But then if you said ‘Bad morning’ that wouldn’t make any more sense.”
“Well someone is being Grumpy Bear today, aren’t they Jacob?” Katie asked her son, picking him up from his baby carriage.
“ Did you just compare me to a Care Bear?” Reid asked incredulous. “Jacob, tell your mother to stop saying crazy things. I don’t want to have to visit her in the loony bin.”
“ You’re telling a baby to talk to me yet I’m the one going to the loony bin?” Katie retorted. “How’s that logical?”
“Talking to Jacob like he’s an adult is a necessary part of his education. He needs to be exposed to something else than the baby-talk you, your sister and every other female use with him. The poor kid’s never going to learn proper vocabulary if you never use the appropriate terms in front of him. Plus, there’s a lot more chance that Jacob turns into a genius and starts talking right now then there is of me turning into a freaking Care Bear who preaches the joy of love and friendship while producing a rainbow from my stomach.”
“True” Katie admitted, giving Jacob to Reid and sitting down.
“ Oh and while we’re on the subject of Tv shows, there will be no Care Bears Teletubbies, Barney or Caillou or anything resembling them for this little guy over here. I forbid it. They’ll turn his brain into mush and make him a goody-goody two shoes who’s going to be eaten alive by other kids at school.”
Katie looked flabbergasted, though really she shouldn’t. It was such a Reid thing to say and yet…”You’re forbidding Tv shows for my son?”
“As a matter of fact I am.”
“On what ground?”
“On the ground that you have started calling me his uncle Reid, which entrusted me with some responsibilities towards the little guy. One of the responsibilities is ensuring this baby has the proper education. Besides, it’s not a big deal. He can still watch Sesame Street, Between the Lions, the Reading Rainbow and the Discovery Channel.”
“Reid Oliver, are you trying to turn my son into an intellectual?”
“Are you complaining that I’m trying to turn your son into an intellectual?” Reid asked. Katie stopped herself from replying and thought. There could be lots of worst things that Reid could turn Jacob into. At least he’s not trying to give his own social skills (or lack of rather)
“No you’re right. I don’t mind him turning into an intellectual. But do remember he’s just a kid and he needs to have fun”
“Oh don’t worry, I won’t forget that” Reid said somewhat bitterly, remembering his own childhood as a trained seal. No way was he letting Jacob’s life be anything like that.
“Good. Now, his diapers are on the table there. There should be enough place for you to change him although I’ve just changed him so you probably won’t have to. His bottle is already made, you’ll just have to ask a nurse to heat it up and there’s also some baby food in there. You shouldn’t have any problems. He’s been quiet recently.”
“Woah, woah, woah” Reid interrupted her. “What is this woman? You’re not dumping your child on me!”
“Well I wouldn’t call it dumping, more like uncle-nephew bonding time. I have things to do today and I really can’t take Jacob with me. You’re better now. You can walk inside this room just fine and you’ve already proven you can take Jacob in your arms without dropping him. The babysitter can’t make it. I really need someone to take care of him. I suppose if it bothers you I could always leave him with Margo at the station or with Tom at the office…”
“Are you nuts?” The neurosurgeon exclaimed “The station’s gonna traumatize the poor kid! Or worse it’ll turn him into a cop. And don’t make me start about the corruption he’ll be exposed to in a defence lawyer’s office! I’ll take care of him. I’m a brilliant neurosurgeon; I can take care of a baby just fine.” Reid said. Katie fought hard not to grin. Reid was just so predictable. He always pretended to be annoyed when she left him alone with Jacob but he doted more on this kid then Margo, Tom and Jack did all together. This would be good for him. He had been brooding ever since his fight with Luke and obsessing over it. Jacob would be a good enough distraction. Reid just loved talking to the child about various things. She had once caught him explaining to Jacob how to recognize the symptoms of a concussion and evaluate the severity of it. He called it educating the child, like no one else would actually do it if not for him. Then again when it came to medicine, he was right; no one would think of telling Jacob all about that. Or about teaching a baby the rules of chess. Over and over again of course. Reid of all people knew that the memory part of the brain at this age wasn’t developed enough for long term memories. Although it was a good thing to expose your child to an extensive lexicon from early on. Plus, it cheered Reid up, made him feel useful and appreciated, so she wasn’t complaining. She called it ‘Baby Therapy’ and it worked wonders on her roommate. When she left Reid and Jacob alone, she was confident that her friend would have a good day today.
“Hey Katie! Visiting Reid?” Allison Steward asked.
“Yes and no. More like trying to cheer him up. Oh and if he asks, I had very serious not baby-appropriate things to take care of today.”
“I thought it was your day off” Allison said in confusion.
“Oh it is!” Katie was grinning from ear to ear. “But Reid was in serious need of ‘Baby Therapy’ and he would have never accepted to keep Jacob with him if I had told him it was to cheer him up. He doesn’t really like doing things to help himself, but he has no problem with helping Jacob to not be corrupted by police officers and lawyers.”
“You mean you just left him to baby-sit Jacob so it could cheer him up? And it works?” Allison asked doubtful.
“Oh yes. Reid loves Jacob and he likes educating him in various things. It makes him feel useful and right now…” Katie trailed off.
“Right now, he’s on a hospital bed unable to save lives and without his boyfriend, which are both tearing him up. Good thinking Katie. He really did need to stop brooding” Katie nodded at Allison.
“Have you heard anything from Luke yet?” Katie asked.
Allison shook her head. “No. I haven’t heard from him since our talk.” Alli sighed. “Maybe I was too harsh with him? Or too direct? I mean in Luke’s point of view all the things I said were coming out of nowhere because I had never spoken up before. It must be a shock. I just hope he figures things out soon and that when he does, this time they’re truly definitive.”
“You think they might not be?”
“I don’t know Katie…Luke with Noah….he made his entire life around Noah. Everything was for Noah…I’ve never lived that and I don’t want to live that because I don’t think it’s healthy. Not to the degree that Luke had taken things too. He needs to reflect on his relationship with Noah and truly move on. If he doesn’t, when Noah comes back and tells Luke he wants to be with him again, things are gonna go to hell. And Reid is the one who’s going to pay the price. Can you imagine how much it’d hurt Reid to see even just a tiny bit of hesitation in Luke’s eyes when Noah tries to hook up with him again?”
“It’d kill a part of him” Katie said seriously. “But do you really think Noah is even an issue now? I mean he hasn’t talked to Luke in months. From what I understood, his last conversation with Luke was pretty final. He doesn’t want anything to do with Luke anymore.”
Allison lookes at Katie with a doubtful expression. “I’ll believe it when I see it. And I seriously doubt I’ll see it. You don’t know the Luke-and-Noah couple as well as I do. Trust me. Noah is gonna come back all ‘you really hurt me Luke, but I’m ready to forgive you for that and to accept to take you back”
Katie’s eyes widened. “My lord Alli, you make it sound like Noah would be doing Luke a favour by taking him back!”
“That’s because that’s what Noah will make it sound like!” Allison said angrily. “He always makes it sound like Luke is the one who has done something wrong, like Luke is the reason for the break up and like he, Noah, is such a wonderful person to accept to come back with Luke. Like there’s something wrong with Luke!” Alli was angry. Actually she was furious. Mostly with herself. You see, her discussion with Luke didn’t only made (hopefully made, anyway) Luke open his eyes more to his relationship with Noah. It had also made Allison open her eyes and re-analyse everything she knew about Luke and Noah. And maybe she was biased. She liked Reid a lot (weirdly enough) and her heart ached at the pain he had been through for those two months. She had became protective of him in her own way and she didn’t want to see him hurt. So of course she was cheering for Luke and Reid to hook up together and be happy with each other. So perhaps that wish influenced her view of Noah….but still….Although Noah had been wonderful with Luke on occasion, as a whole, Allison had to admit to herself that he didn’t act correctly with him. She was sure Noah didn’t mean anything by it, but it was true that he always blamed Luke for their problems and never, to her knowledge, apologized for his faults.
Katie looked thoughtful. She thought back to her many nightly conversations with Luke.
“You know….I think you’ve got a good point. I don’t really know Noah but…I know he blamed Luke for his blindness and that he pushed him away. But then when his eyesight came back, he immediately wanted to come back together with Luke”
“Like there hadn’t been other problems than his blindness!” Allison completed. “Like he wasn’t the one who had pushed Luke away. Like he hadn’t done anything wrong!”
“That’s true” Katie said “When Luke told me about their conversation on the roof, I think Noah said something about how pushing Luke away didn’t mean he didn’t love him anymore, but I can’t recall him apologizing for it.”
Allison sighed. “Yeah…you know I think I’ve been pretty blind to Noah’s failings. And Luke too. He has problems admitting he has faults and with Luke being who he is…”
“He blames himself for everything.” Katie completed. Alli nodded. “Well, he won’t have that problem with Reid. If he’s too stubborn to apologize, I’ll kick his butt so hard he’ll feel it up to his brain!” Allison laughed. She knew Luke and Reid would have disagreements and fights and she could almost feel sorry for Reid for having to deal with Katie on those instances. She was much more aggressive than Allison was about these things. Katie looked back at Reid’s room with a sad smile “Do you think Luke will soon figure things out?” “I hope so” Alli sighed. “I guess only time will tell”
“uhm…well…it’s my day off. Maybe time can get a little help” Katie smiled at Allison. “Don’t worry, I won’t push Luke. I agreed with you when you said he needed alone time, but checking up on him can’t do harm. If anything, it’ll allow me to tell Reid how Luke is doing.”
“Well good luck” Allison said. ‘You might really need it’ she thought internally. Hopefully, the older woman’s influence would help things along.
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Luke Snyder was a mess. If his fight with Reid had left him in a bad state, then there was no way of describing how his talk with Allison had left him. ‘Horrible’ didn’t cover it. Luke had been completely at loss ever since Alli left. He just felt more miserable than ever. His heart constricted painfully in his chest. His eyes burned from all the crying he had been doing. He’d cried so much and so hard, he couldn’t even remember what had made him start crying in the first place. Everything Allison had said haunted Luke. His head had been hurting for days now. There were so many points that she had brought up…points that he had never really wondered about. Allison was right; he hadn’t gotten what his fight with Reid had really been about. For the last few days, Luke’s head had been invaded by Allison’s words. Some words in particular constantly plagued Luke’s mind. Try as he might, he couldn’t stop hearing Allison’s words from replaying over and over in his head:
“It’s simple. It’ll go just like you and Noah did; except this time you’ll be Noah and Reid will be Luke. Reid will give you his all without you ever doing the same thing back. And he will hurt. He’ll be hurt so much by you and feel underappreciated. He’ll feel like he’s not good enough. He’ll lose any confidence he had in himself and if he waits too long, he won’t be able to leave you. So he’ll just bury the pain and pray for the good times to come back. And one day, I’ll look at him and I’ll see the misery buried beneath his eyes and I’ll know….I’ll know that he’s not in love with you anymore. That you’ve killed the love he had for you. But he won’t leave you. Just like you didn’t leave Noah. Just like you still can’t let go of Noah!”
Those words made Luke physically sick. The thought of destroying Reid’s love for him…And the words weren’t even the worst. No, the worst was the utter conviction he had heard in his friend’s tone. She had no doubt whatsoever that things would happen this way if nothing changed. She had no doubts whatsoever that this was what had happen with Luke and Noah. It took Luke quite a bit of time to actually listen to the replaying of these words. Even after all Allison had said, he couldn’t admit to himself that she might be right about how Noah had treated him. He spent the first two days after her visit trying to distract himself as much as possible and denying her words. On the second night though….he cracked. He had opened the TV as a distraction; on the news, there was a Doctor who was being sued for malpractice. Luke soon found himself invaded by flashback of his time in Texas with Reid. Reid had been so human, so vulnerable…like when he talked about his chess competitions. And Luke heard Alli’s words again: “He’ll be hurt so much by you and feel underappreciated. He’ll feel like he’s not good enough.” Luke had closed the television and had sighed. It was time for him to get his head out of the sand and listen to what his best friend had told him. So he sat there on the couch and replayed his conversation with Alli. Tears started falling out of his eyes. He couldn’t….He needed to deal with this. If he loved Reid, then he needed to deal with this once and for all. And Luke loved Reid. More than anyone else. And Reid loved Luke. It was time for Luke to grow up, to move on from the past and start deserving Reid’s love by giving his all back. So for the first time in many, many months, Luke started writing. He wrote down every important step in his relationship with Noah. Their first kiss, his paralysis, Noah’s marriage, the college election, Brian, Noah’s teacher….everything. He numbered those events then started writing about them. He wrote about how he felt at those times, about how Noah’s actions had made him feel. He wrote and wrote and wrote. He spent the night at it, thinking things over, destroying the denial walls he had raised over time.
Luke knew the things he wrote. He had thought them before but had always pushed them aside. Allison had been right. After his relationship with Noah had been over, he had clung to it and created an idealistic picture of it that didn’t reflect the reality. He created this idealistic picture to hide that, even though he was now in love with Reid, he was still deeply hurting from Noah’s rejection. He had spent months concentrating on getting Noah better and falling more and more for Noah’s doctor. He didn’t have the time to mourn his relationship with Noah or to fully live the pain the other boy had caused. He needed to give his all so that Noah would get better. But afterwards, when Noah regained his sight, things just floated right back in and still Luke did not have enough time to process them. Everything spiralled down; Noah seeing Luke and Reid kiss, Reid choosing his job… He had been preoccupied with other things. So really, Luke had never taken the time to heal his broken heart. He’d never given himself the chance to truly move on. For Reid, it looked as if Luke still loved Noah, still wanted to be with Noah. But Luke did not want that. He had to admit that at a time, even though he was falling hard for Reid, Luke would have given pretty much anything to get back together with Noah. And now, looking back, reading what he had written the day before…Luke realised that it would have been a colossal mistake.
Luke’s primary example of a couple was his parents. Two people who keep breaking up and getting together. So he supposed it’s not illogical that when Luke’s relationship with Noah took the same direction as his parents’, he hadn’t really seen anything wrong with it. But Luke did not want to be with his parents. Tom and Margo, Bob and Kim…they were people who had stuck together for years without breaking up. It was possible to have a relationship where one or the other didn’t feel like they needed a break. Because really….you shouldn’t want a break from your boyfriend. You should have talked things over before things got to this point. But that wasn’t what happened with Noah. There wasn’t really that much time to talked things over. When things started to go bad, they went bad rapidly. And they normally went bad because of one thing in particular; not because of many things like most people breaking up. It’s not that Luke and Noah’s relationship had many problems that were always unresolved; it’s more that shit happened,(because you know, it’s life….in Oakdale) and their couple was never able to resist that.. Or rather Noah wasn’t able to get through that. He pushed Luke away every time. And the last time had been one too many. Because this time he pushed Luke away for something that defined Luke. Luke gave his all to the people he loved and he wanted to help them. Noah didn’t accept his help. He called it smothering. Luke called it loving. They weren’t meant to be together. And deep down, Luke had known that for a while. But Noah had been his very first boyfriend; he had been a miracle come true. Luke didn’t like to think that their relationship had done him more bad than good. No one would. But he needed to face the truth:“He’ll be hurt so much by you and feel underappreciated. He’ll feel like he’s not good enough.” That had been how Noah had made him feel. It still was how Noah made him feel. Even now, he felt like he hadn’t been good enough for Noah. Even now he felt guilty for kissing Reid, for loving Reid these last few months. And even after regaining his sight, Noah still didn’t admit that he had acted wrongly or truly apologized for it.
The problem with these realisations, other than hurting like hell, was that it didn’t help Luke at all in figuring out what to do about Reid. He still didn’t know what to tell the older man. How can you tell the man you love more than anything, that no, if your ex had been in the picture you wouldn’t have said and done all those things, but that it wasn’t because you still loved your ex or was still interested in him? How could he explain to Reid without him being deeply hurt by what Luke was saying? How could he explain that it had nothing to do with Reid or Luke’s feelings, but rather about how Noah’s Luke is? About how Luke could still act like Noah’s Luke, even though he’s now with Reid? Suddenly a knock startled Luke out of his thoughts. Luke sighed. He didn’t really feel up to a visit. Especially not Allison. He loved his friend but he didn’t want to talk about how she had been right. It would be painful enough talking to Reid; he didn’t want to put himself through this many times. However, it turned out, it wasn’t his best friend at the door; it was Reid’s. Luke gulped. Reid had probably told Katie all about what had happened between them. Luke was her friend, but Reid was her favourite.
“Hello Luke. Can we talk?”
“Uhm…sure Katie” He said, inviting her in. Katie settled down on the couch.
“Don’t look so nervous. I’m not here to scold you and have a heart-wrenching wake-up call discussion with you. That was Alli’s job. I’m just here to see how my friend is doing.” Luke sighed deeply.
“Not well” he said sadly.
“I can imagine” she said, smiling sadly. “We’re worried about you, you know”
“Who’s we?” Luke said trying to keep his hopefulness from his tone.
“Me, Allison…Reid” she added. Instantly, Luke’s eyes got brighter and she saw a glimpse of hope appearing in his eyes. “Although he won’t admit it of course. You know how he is.”
“Yeah” Luke said smiling sadly.
“He’s been worried about you. You haven’t been in for days and Reid has never been the most optimistic guy. He’s…well he’s still insecure about you.”
“He’s not the only one”
Katie had to admit she was surprised at that. “Really? I thought it was clear that Reid loved you and wanted to be with you”
“It is” Luke replied firmly, “The problem is will he want to be in a relationship with me once I go and talk to him”
“Why do you say that?” Katie said. She couldn’t keep the worry out of her voice. “Luke…are you telling me you still love Noah?” Luke shook his head “Then what exactly are you telling me?”
“That the answer to the question Reid asked Alli to ask me is no” Katie’s eyebrows furrowed. What was that question again? Suddenly she remembered. Oh…OH. This was not good. Not good at all.
“But it’s not because of any leftover feelings that I could have for Noah. I swear Katie it’s not like that. It’s just…I don’t…Katie you have to help me. Reid won’t react well to what I’ve just told you. I’m afraid he won’t give me the time to explain. I’m afraid as soon as I answer him, he’ll shut down. He’ll put his defences up and Katie, no one can get through those defences. Not even me. If he shuts them down…I’ll have lost him. And it will kill me” Luke choked. Tears were falling from his eyes onto his cheeks.
“Oh Luke” Katie said. She could feel her heart breaking for him. He looked so completely lost. “Reid loves you. He’ll listen to you. He won’t shut you down.” Luke gave her a doubtful look “well not if you warn him beforehand that he won’t like the answer but that he really, really needs to listen until you’ve finished because it won’t be what he expects. But if you’re really worried, you can tell him that if he dares shut you out, I will tie him up on his bed and force him to watch 6 hours of Teletubbies. That should do it” Luke couldn’t help but laugh at that. Imagining Reid’s face at watching that particular kid show was simply hilarious. “See? It won’t be so bad. Well, no it’ll be bad. It’ll probably take a lot out of you to have that conversation with him, but you need to. You need to deal with the whole Noah issue before starting anything serious with him; otherwise, it will haunt you both.” Luke nodded.
“I know Katie. I’ve thought about it a lot in the last 24 hours. I…I think I know why I kept going back and forth between Noah and Reid and…I want it to be over. I want Noah’s shadow to stop lingering onto my relationship with Reid too. The only problem is that, I’m not sure all of it can come immediately. I think there are some things I’m not over, bad things, and I don’t know how Reid will react to that. Will he accept that I still have issues because of things that happened between Noah and me?”
“Those issues…they’re due to things Noah did?” Luke nodded “And you think those issues will influence you and how you act with Reid” Again, Katie received a nod for an answer. “Alright. Then just tell him that. Tell him exactly what kind of reactions you may have and why and tell him it’s not personal to him. Or even to Noah. It’s personal to you and just like any other issue related to the past, you’ll need time to get over it, but that it will never affect how much you love Reid.”
Luke nodded. That made sense. And it was so simple too. But for the life of him, Luke hadn’t been able to figure this out by himself. He was too much of a mess still. Or maybe he was just too frightened at the idea of seeing Reid again and maybe risking loosing him for good.
“Katie, do you think I should go see Reid today?” Luke asked, looking at the older woman with a hurt puppy look.
“Well, do you feel strong enough right now to have a conversation with him?”
“I…I think so, yes. And…I really want this to be over. I hate being separated from Reid. I want to see him real bad.”
“Then go to him! Now!”
“Right now? But…I probably look a mess. My eyes are probably red”
“So? There’s nothing wrong in Reid seeing how this affected you”
“Noah wouldn’t have liked it. Not when he was angry. He thought crying was a way to make him stop being angry, you know, manipulate him or something.”
“Luke…I don’t think I have to tell you that Reid is not Noah.”
Luke shook his head “No. I know that. Very well actually. But Katie, I still tend to react like I did with Noah. When things went bad….they went bad. I’m not used to reacting differently.”
“Well that’s normal. We all come in a new relationship with baggage Luke. Even our very first one. We have experiences in our lives that affect our reactions and we discover that we need to adjust our reactions in different circumstances. Reid and you are new circumstances, but you’ll adjust.”
Luke hugged his friend. Her confidence in him helped him a lot. It gave him the courage to enter her car, so she can drive him to the hospital
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Reid looked at Jacob’s sleeping form. He envied the little guy, he truly did. Life as a baby was so easy. He wished Jacob would never grow up so he’ll always stay this blissfully happy. But he knew it was impossible. Didn’t mean his mother and he wouldn’t do everything in their powers to make his life as good as possible. Talking about his mother….he wondered when Katie would go back. He didn’t normally mind looking after the kid but that was because he normally had other things to entertain himself with when the baby was sleeping. Suddenly, the door opened and his friend entered.
“Hey Reid! How’s it going?” Reid grunted “Oh that good huh?” Then Katie lost her smile and became serious “Reid, did you think things over the last few days? About Lke I mean”
Reid snorted “What else was there to think about?”
“So you know what you want to ask him. What issues you may still have that need to be addressed?”
“Yeah…I know why I feel the way I feel.”
“And are you feeling receptive and open-minded today?”
Reid frowned. “Katie, are you trying to tell me something?” he asked though he was pretty sure he already knew the answer.
“Yes, but answer the question first. Because if you’re feeling on the defensive or you think you might go on the defensive if you hear something you don’t like, then no I won’t be actually implying what you think I’m implying because I’ll make sure the thing I’m implying doesn’t come in this room.” Reid’s heart skipped a beat. He had been right. Luke was here. Luke was here. Reid swallowed difficultly. It was one thing to think himself ready for that particular conversation, it was another entirely to actually be faced with the reality of said conversation happening now. Reid swallowed down any nervousness he might feel and looked at his friend.
“Yes. I’m capable of listening to what Luke has to say without shutting him out”
“You’re sure?” Katie double-checked “Because it will not only hurt Luke if you shut down; he’ll think he lost you for good.”
“No. I’m sure. It’s fine Katie. I’ll listen to everything he has to say. No matter what it is” He added softly. His voice had gotten sad.
“It’s not what you think Reid. This is not negative. This is good. This is Luke growing up and dealing with things he needed to deal with but which he had bottled up. You’ll see. Everything will be just fine. Just give it some time and remember to be patient. After all, Luke is patient with your moods, and lord knows they’re not always easy to deal with. So give him this, ok” Reid nodded.
Now sure that her friend was ready for this difficult conversation, Katie picked up her child and left the room.
Reid closed his eyes and mentally prepared himself for what was to come. When he opened them again, his beautiful boyfriend was standing before him, hands in his pockets, fidgeting from one foot to the other. His eyes were red and he looked like a puppy that someone had kicked. He looked much younger than usual, like a child afraid of being scolded and punished.
“Hi Reid” Luke said softly. The young man could feel his throat closing down on itself and his hands shaking. “Hey” Reid responded as softly. Luke could feel tears filling his eyes. Reid sighed at the sight. “Hey, hey. Come here” Reid said opening his arms. Immediately, Luke rushed into the older man’s arms and hugged him tightly. Sobs racked through his body and Reid’s heart ached at seeing Luke like this. Luke and he needed to have a talk. But right now, what Luke really needed was to be close to Reid and to let all those bottled up emotions go. It would made this conversation easier if Luke cried now. And besides, Reid had missed the feel of Luke in his arm. He wasn’t in a hurry to lose it again.
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AN : First, I’d like to mention that I meant no bashing about the TV shows mentioned by Reid. I actually was a HUGE fan of the Care Bears and still have my Cheer Bear Plushie. Although I admit to disliking the Teletubbies a lot. A LOT.
Second, I’m sorry to all Noah fans. From what my muse has given me, I think the Noah in this fic will be much different than the one in Le choix du Coeur. So yeah, don’t expect good stuff from Noah in this fic right now. And remember that I haven’t watched Noah/Luke story over the years, so of course there might be some things I say that don’t quite add up in your opinion.
Third: HOPE YOU LIKED IT!!!!!!!! Next chapter will be the discussion between Luke and Reid and….well I’ll figure out what comes after the end. Again, expect an update in about 7 days. I really wanted to update a lot more but well…school…you know how that is….especially English lit class…I’m a francophone. Somehow I think I haven’t understood what Engl lit teachers want in their essays that I don’t give them, ‘cause I didn’t have that problem in French Literature essays! Anyway, please comment, it’s always nice to read your thoughts!
Author: KittyBlackCat
Disclaimer: If I owned them, I wouldn't be filled with tears in my eyes, deep sadness, bitterness and an anger both so intense you wouldn't believe, whenever I think of ATWT or worse about a certain head author who's name I won't mentioned.
Rating: PG-13(to be safe)
Summary: Post episode of June 17th. Reid said that he would do nothing else but his job. Just how far along that line will he go?
Words: 5796 words
Previous parts: Part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part6, part7, part8
AN: Hi everyone! Here's your weekly update! Tried to do twice a week but with school I really can' at the moment. I'll still try though, but yeah once every 7 days (about, maybe a little more than 7) you have an update! REally hope you like it!!!
Chapter 9
Reid Oliver was sick of this! Lying in a bed was exhausting. He needed to do something. This was so boring it made a James Joyce text seem like the most entertaining thing in the world. And Reid hated James Joyce. But he hated this even more. Luke’s absence was doubly bad. First, the last time he had been in, they had fought and Reid hadn’t heard back from Luke in the last 3 days (and no that didn’t worry him one bit). Second, Luke was the one entertaining him most of the time which meant that he had been spending the last few days mostly alone with nothing else to do then the super-easy crosswords of the New-York Times. His legs were itching for a walk. Sure nurse Allison had picked him up every day and taken him outside in a wheelchair, then supervised him as he walked around, but still….this was really boring and lonely. Allison and Katie had both told him to be patient with Luke; that if he hadn’t shown up yet it meant that he was figuring things out before coming to talk to him. Both women had been trying to convince him that this was a good thing; that Luke was seriously finding solutions and would come back completely ready to commit himself to Reid. Reid wasn’t that optimistic. His heart clenched every time he thought of Luke. What if the younger man decided to go speak to Mayer and realised he was better off with him? Or what if Mayer manipulated Luke into thinking they should go back together. He seriously didn’t put it past Noah to do so and Luke would easily fall into Mayer’s trap. Noah just couldn’t do anything bad in Luke’s eyes. And apparently he wasn’t the only one thinking that. He had heard Katie and Allison talking to each other two days ago. It seemed that Nurse Stewart had raised that exact point in her conversation with Luke. He was really starting to like that girl. She was kind of Luke’s Katie in a way, which was good because according to Katie, if she wasn’t there for Reid, the other man would be completely lost when it comes to emotional/social interaction and would never get anything resolve in his couple. She had a point. He did tend to be oblivious about certain things and apparently so could Luke. Well weren’t they just the pair!
“Good morning sunshine!” Katie’s head appeared through the door. Reid groaned.
“No actually Katie, it’s not a good morning. What kind of greeting is ‘Good morning’ anyway? I mean chances are the person you’re telling it to is not having a good morning at all. But then if you said ‘Bad morning’ that wouldn’t make any more sense.”
“Well someone is being Grumpy Bear today, aren’t they Jacob?” Katie asked her son, picking him up from his baby carriage.
“ Did you just compare me to a Care Bear?” Reid asked incredulous. “Jacob, tell your mother to stop saying crazy things. I don’t want to have to visit her in the loony bin.”
“ You’re telling a baby to talk to me yet I’m the one going to the loony bin?” Katie retorted. “How’s that logical?”
“Talking to Jacob like he’s an adult is a necessary part of his education. He needs to be exposed to something else than the baby-talk you, your sister and every other female use with him. The poor kid’s never going to learn proper vocabulary if you never use the appropriate terms in front of him. Plus, there’s a lot more chance that Jacob turns into a genius and starts talking right now then there is of me turning into a freaking Care Bear who preaches the joy of love and friendship while producing a rainbow from my stomach.”
“True” Katie admitted, giving Jacob to Reid and sitting down.
“ Oh and while we’re on the subject of Tv shows, there will be no Care Bears Teletubbies, Barney or Caillou or anything resembling them for this little guy over here. I forbid it. They’ll turn his brain into mush and make him a goody-goody two shoes who’s going to be eaten alive by other kids at school.”
Katie looked flabbergasted, though really she shouldn’t. It was such a Reid thing to say and yet…”You’re forbidding Tv shows for my son?”
“As a matter of fact I am.”
“On what ground?”
“On the ground that you have started calling me his uncle Reid, which entrusted me with some responsibilities towards the little guy. One of the responsibilities is ensuring this baby has the proper education. Besides, it’s not a big deal. He can still watch Sesame Street, Between the Lions, the Reading Rainbow and the Discovery Channel.”
“Reid Oliver, are you trying to turn my son into an intellectual?”
“Are you complaining that I’m trying to turn your son into an intellectual?” Reid asked. Katie stopped herself from replying and thought. There could be lots of worst things that Reid could turn Jacob into. At least he’s not trying to give his own social skills (or lack of rather)
“No you’re right. I don’t mind him turning into an intellectual. But do remember he’s just a kid and he needs to have fun”
“Oh don’t worry, I won’t forget that” Reid said somewhat bitterly, remembering his own childhood as a trained seal. No way was he letting Jacob’s life be anything like that.
“Good. Now, his diapers are on the table there. There should be enough place for you to change him although I’ve just changed him so you probably won’t have to. His bottle is already made, you’ll just have to ask a nurse to heat it up and there’s also some baby food in there. You shouldn’t have any problems. He’s been quiet recently.”
“Woah, woah, woah” Reid interrupted her. “What is this woman? You’re not dumping your child on me!”
“Well I wouldn’t call it dumping, more like uncle-nephew bonding time. I have things to do today and I really can’t take Jacob with me. You’re better now. You can walk inside this room just fine and you’ve already proven you can take Jacob in your arms without dropping him. The babysitter can’t make it. I really need someone to take care of him. I suppose if it bothers you I could always leave him with Margo at the station or with Tom at the office…”
“Are you nuts?” The neurosurgeon exclaimed “The station’s gonna traumatize the poor kid! Or worse it’ll turn him into a cop. And don’t make me start about the corruption he’ll be exposed to in a defence lawyer’s office! I’ll take care of him. I’m a brilliant neurosurgeon; I can take care of a baby just fine.” Reid said. Katie fought hard not to grin. Reid was just so predictable. He always pretended to be annoyed when she left him alone with Jacob but he doted more on this kid then Margo, Tom and Jack did all together. This would be good for him. He had been brooding ever since his fight with Luke and obsessing over it. Jacob would be a good enough distraction. Reid just loved talking to the child about various things. She had once caught him explaining to Jacob how to recognize the symptoms of a concussion and evaluate the severity of it. He called it educating the child, like no one else would actually do it if not for him. Then again when it came to medicine, he was right; no one would think of telling Jacob all about that. Or about teaching a baby the rules of chess. Over and over again of course. Reid of all people knew that the memory part of the brain at this age wasn’t developed enough for long term memories. Although it was a good thing to expose your child to an extensive lexicon from early on. Plus, it cheered Reid up, made him feel useful and appreciated, so she wasn’t complaining. She called it ‘Baby Therapy’ and it worked wonders on her roommate. When she left Reid and Jacob alone, she was confident that her friend would have a good day today.
“Hey Katie! Visiting Reid?” Allison Steward asked.
“Yes and no. More like trying to cheer him up. Oh and if he asks, I had very serious not baby-appropriate things to take care of today.”
“I thought it was your day off” Allison said in confusion.
“Oh it is!” Katie was grinning from ear to ear. “But Reid was in serious need of ‘Baby Therapy’ and he would have never accepted to keep Jacob with him if I had told him it was to cheer him up. He doesn’t really like doing things to help himself, but he has no problem with helping Jacob to not be corrupted by police officers and lawyers.”
“You mean you just left him to baby-sit Jacob so it could cheer him up? And it works?” Allison asked doubtful.
“Oh yes. Reid loves Jacob and he likes educating him in various things. It makes him feel useful and right now…” Katie trailed off.
“Right now, he’s on a hospital bed unable to save lives and without his boyfriend, which are both tearing him up. Good thinking Katie. He really did need to stop brooding” Katie nodded at Allison.
“Have you heard anything from Luke yet?” Katie asked.
Allison shook her head. “No. I haven’t heard from him since our talk.” Alli sighed. “Maybe I was too harsh with him? Or too direct? I mean in Luke’s point of view all the things I said were coming out of nowhere because I had never spoken up before. It must be a shock. I just hope he figures things out soon and that when he does, this time they’re truly definitive.”
“You think they might not be?”
“I don’t know Katie…Luke with Noah….he made his entire life around Noah. Everything was for Noah…I’ve never lived that and I don’t want to live that because I don’t think it’s healthy. Not to the degree that Luke had taken things too. He needs to reflect on his relationship with Noah and truly move on. If he doesn’t, when Noah comes back and tells Luke he wants to be with him again, things are gonna go to hell. And Reid is the one who’s going to pay the price. Can you imagine how much it’d hurt Reid to see even just a tiny bit of hesitation in Luke’s eyes when Noah tries to hook up with him again?”
“It’d kill a part of him” Katie said seriously. “But do you really think Noah is even an issue now? I mean he hasn’t talked to Luke in months. From what I understood, his last conversation with Luke was pretty final. He doesn’t want anything to do with Luke anymore.”
Allison lookes at Katie with a doubtful expression. “I’ll believe it when I see it. And I seriously doubt I’ll see it. You don’t know the Luke-and-Noah couple as well as I do. Trust me. Noah is gonna come back all ‘you really hurt me Luke, but I’m ready to forgive you for that and to accept to take you back”
Katie’s eyes widened. “My lord Alli, you make it sound like Noah would be doing Luke a favour by taking him back!”
“That’s because that’s what Noah will make it sound like!” Allison said angrily. “He always makes it sound like Luke is the one who has done something wrong, like Luke is the reason for the break up and like he, Noah, is such a wonderful person to accept to come back with Luke. Like there’s something wrong with Luke!” Alli was angry. Actually she was furious. Mostly with herself. You see, her discussion with Luke didn’t only made (hopefully made, anyway) Luke open his eyes more to his relationship with Noah. It had also made Allison open her eyes and re-analyse everything she knew about Luke and Noah. And maybe she was biased. She liked Reid a lot (weirdly enough) and her heart ached at the pain he had been through for those two months. She had became protective of him in her own way and she didn’t want to see him hurt. So of course she was cheering for Luke and Reid to hook up together and be happy with each other. So perhaps that wish influenced her view of Noah….but still….Although Noah had been wonderful with Luke on occasion, as a whole, Allison had to admit to herself that he didn’t act correctly with him. She was sure Noah didn’t mean anything by it, but it was true that he always blamed Luke for their problems and never, to her knowledge, apologized for his faults.
Katie looked thoughtful. She thought back to her many nightly conversations with Luke.
“You know….I think you’ve got a good point. I don’t really know Noah but…I know he blamed Luke for his blindness and that he pushed him away. But then when his eyesight came back, he immediately wanted to come back together with Luke”
“Like there hadn’t been other problems than his blindness!” Allison completed. “Like he wasn’t the one who had pushed Luke away. Like he hadn’t done anything wrong!”
“That’s true” Katie said “When Luke told me about their conversation on the roof, I think Noah said something about how pushing Luke away didn’t mean he didn’t love him anymore, but I can’t recall him apologizing for it.”
Allison sighed. “Yeah…you know I think I’ve been pretty blind to Noah’s failings. And Luke too. He has problems admitting he has faults and with Luke being who he is…”
“He blames himself for everything.” Katie completed. Alli nodded. “Well, he won’t have that problem with Reid. If he’s too stubborn to apologize, I’ll kick his butt so hard he’ll feel it up to his brain!” Allison laughed. She knew Luke and Reid would have disagreements and fights and she could almost feel sorry for Reid for having to deal with Katie on those instances. She was much more aggressive than Allison was about these things. Katie looked back at Reid’s room with a sad smile “Do you think Luke will soon figure things out?” “I hope so” Alli sighed. “I guess only time will tell”
“uhm…well…it’s my day off. Maybe time can get a little help” Katie smiled at Allison. “Don’t worry, I won’t push Luke. I agreed with you when you said he needed alone time, but checking up on him can’t do harm. If anything, it’ll allow me to tell Reid how Luke is doing.”
“Well good luck” Allison said. ‘You might really need it’ she thought internally. Hopefully, the older woman’s influence would help things along.
**********************************
Luke Snyder was a mess. If his fight with Reid had left him in a bad state, then there was no way of describing how his talk with Allison had left him. ‘Horrible’ didn’t cover it. Luke had been completely at loss ever since Alli left. He just felt more miserable than ever. His heart constricted painfully in his chest. His eyes burned from all the crying he had been doing. He’d cried so much and so hard, he couldn’t even remember what had made him start crying in the first place. Everything Allison had said haunted Luke. His head had been hurting for days now. There were so many points that she had brought up…points that he had never really wondered about. Allison was right; he hadn’t gotten what his fight with Reid had really been about. For the last few days, Luke’s head had been invaded by Allison’s words. Some words in particular constantly plagued Luke’s mind. Try as he might, he couldn’t stop hearing Allison’s words from replaying over and over in his head:
“It’s simple. It’ll go just like you and Noah did; except this time you’ll be Noah and Reid will be Luke. Reid will give you his all without you ever doing the same thing back. And he will hurt. He’ll be hurt so much by you and feel underappreciated. He’ll feel like he’s not good enough. He’ll lose any confidence he had in himself and if he waits too long, he won’t be able to leave you. So he’ll just bury the pain and pray for the good times to come back. And one day, I’ll look at him and I’ll see the misery buried beneath his eyes and I’ll know….I’ll know that he’s not in love with you anymore. That you’ve killed the love he had for you. But he won’t leave you. Just like you didn’t leave Noah. Just like you still can’t let go of Noah!”
Those words made Luke physically sick. The thought of destroying Reid’s love for him…And the words weren’t even the worst. No, the worst was the utter conviction he had heard in his friend’s tone. She had no doubt whatsoever that things would happen this way if nothing changed. She had no doubts whatsoever that this was what had happen with Luke and Noah. It took Luke quite a bit of time to actually listen to the replaying of these words. Even after all Allison had said, he couldn’t admit to himself that she might be right about how Noah had treated him. He spent the first two days after her visit trying to distract himself as much as possible and denying her words. On the second night though….he cracked. He had opened the TV as a distraction; on the news, there was a Doctor who was being sued for malpractice. Luke soon found himself invaded by flashback of his time in Texas with Reid. Reid had been so human, so vulnerable…like when he talked about his chess competitions. And Luke heard Alli’s words again: “He’ll be hurt so much by you and feel underappreciated. He’ll feel like he’s not good enough.” Luke had closed the television and had sighed. It was time for him to get his head out of the sand and listen to what his best friend had told him. So he sat there on the couch and replayed his conversation with Alli. Tears started falling out of his eyes. He couldn’t….He needed to deal with this. If he loved Reid, then he needed to deal with this once and for all. And Luke loved Reid. More than anyone else. And Reid loved Luke. It was time for Luke to grow up, to move on from the past and start deserving Reid’s love by giving his all back. So for the first time in many, many months, Luke started writing. He wrote down every important step in his relationship with Noah. Their first kiss, his paralysis, Noah’s marriage, the college election, Brian, Noah’s teacher….everything. He numbered those events then started writing about them. He wrote about how he felt at those times, about how Noah’s actions had made him feel. He wrote and wrote and wrote. He spent the night at it, thinking things over, destroying the denial walls he had raised over time.
Luke knew the things he wrote. He had thought them before but had always pushed them aside. Allison had been right. After his relationship with Noah had been over, he had clung to it and created an idealistic picture of it that didn’t reflect the reality. He created this idealistic picture to hide that, even though he was now in love with Reid, he was still deeply hurting from Noah’s rejection. He had spent months concentrating on getting Noah better and falling more and more for Noah’s doctor. He didn’t have the time to mourn his relationship with Noah or to fully live the pain the other boy had caused. He needed to give his all so that Noah would get better. But afterwards, when Noah regained his sight, things just floated right back in and still Luke did not have enough time to process them. Everything spiralled down; Noah seeing Luke and Reid kiss, Reid choosing his job… He had been preoccupied with other things. So really, Luke had never taken the time to heal his broken heart. He’d never given himself the chance to truly move on. For Reid, it looked as if Luke still loved Noah, still wanted to be with Noah. But Luke did not want that. He had to admit that at a time, even though he was falling hard for Reid, Luke would have given pretty much anything to get back together with Noah. And now, looking back, reading what he had written the day before…Luke realised that it would have been a colossal mistake.
Luke’s primary example of a couple was his parents. Two people who keep breaking up and getting together. So he supposed it’s not illogical that when Luke’s relationship with Noah took the same direction as his parents’, he hadn’t really seen anything wrong with it. But Luke did not want to be with his parents. Tom and Margo, Bob and Kim…they were people who had stuck together for years without breaking up. It was possible to have a relationship where one or the other didn’t feel like they needed a break. Because really….you shouldn’t want a break from your boyfriend. You should have talked things over before things got to this point. But that wasn’t what happened with Noah. There wasn’t really that much time to talked things over. When things started to go bad, they went bad rapidly. And they normally went bad because of one thing in particular; not because of many things like most people breaking up. It’s not that Luke and Noah’s relationship had many problems that were always unresolved; it’s more that shit happened,(because you know, it’s life….in Oakdale) and their couple was never able to resist that.. Or rather Noah wasn’t able to get through that. He pushed Luke away every time. And the last time had been one too many. Because this time he pushed Luke away for something that defined Luke. Luke gave his all to the people he loved and he wanted to help them. Noah didn’t accept his help. He called it smothering. Luke called it loving. They weren’t meant to be together. And deep down, Luke had known that for a while. But Noah had been his very first boyfriend; he had been a miracle come true. Luke didn’t like to think that their relationship had done him more bad than good. No one would. But he needed to face the truth:“He’ll be hurt so much by you and feel underappreciated. He’ll feel like he’s not good enough.” That had been how Noah had made him feel. It still was how Noah made him feel. Even now, he felt like he hadn’t been good enough for Noah. Even now he felt guilty for kissing Reid, for loving Reid these last few months. And even after regaining his sight, Noah still didn’t admit that he had acted wrongly or truly apologized for it.
The problem with these realisations, other than hurting like hell, was that it didn’t help Luke at all in figuring out what to do about Reid. He still didn’t know what to tell the older man. How can you tell the man you love more than anything, that no, if your ex had been in the picture you wouldn’t have said and done all those things, but that it wasn’t because you still loved your ex or was still interested in him? How could he explain to Reid without him being deeply hurt by what Luke was saying? How could he explain that it had nothing to do with Reid or Luke’s feelings, but rather about how Noah’s Luke is? About how Luke could still act like Noah’s Luke, even though he’s now with Reid? Suddenly a knock startled Luke out of his thoughts. Luke sighed. He didn’t really feel up to a visit. Especially not Allison. He loved his friend but he didn’t want to talk about how she had been right. It would be painful enough talking to Reid; he didn’t want to put himself through this many times. However, it turned out, it wasn’t his best friend at the door; it was Reid’s. Luke gulped. Reid had probably told Katie all about what had happened between them. Luke was her friend, but Reid was her favourite.
“Hello Luke. Can we talk?”
“Uhm…sure Katie” He said, inviting her in. Katie settled down on the couch.
“Don’t look so nervous. I’m not here to scold you and have a heart-wrenching wake-up call discussion with you. That was Alli’s job. I’m just here to see how my friend is doing.” Luke sighed deeply.
“Not well” he said sadly.
“I can imagine” she said, smiling sadly. “We’re worried about you, you know”
“Who’s we?” Luke said trying to keep his hopefulness from his tone.
“Me, Allison…Reid” she added. Instantly, Luke’s eyes got brighter and she saw a glimpse of hope appearing in his eyes. “Although he won’t admit it of course. You know how he is.”
“Yeah” Luke said smiling sadly.
“He’s been worried about you. You haven’t been in for days and Reid has never been the most optimistic guy. He’s…well he’s still insecure about you.”
“He’s not the only one”
Katie had to admit she was surprised at that. “Really? I thought it was clear that Reid loved you and wanted to be with you”
“It is” Luke replied firmly, “The problem is will he want to be in a relationship with me once I go and talk to him”
“Why do you say that?” Katie said. She couldn’t keep the worry out of her voice. “Luke…are you telling me you still love Noah?” Luke shook his head “Then what exactly are you telling me?”
“That the answer to the question Reid asked Alli to ask me is no” Katie’s eyebrows furrowed. What was that question again? Suddenly she remembered. Oh…OH. This was not good. Not good at all.
“But it’s not because of any leftover feelings that I could have for Noah. I swear Katie it’s not like that. It’s just…I don’t…Katie you have to help me. Reid won’t react well to what I’ve just told you. I’m afraid he won’t give me the time to explain. I’m afraid as soon as I answer him, he’ll shut down. He’ll put his defences up and Katie, no one can get through those defences. Not even me. If he shuts them down…I’ll have lost him. And it will kill me” Luke choked. Tears were falling from his eyes onto his cheeks.
“Oh Luke” Katie said. She could feel her heart breaking for him. He looked so completely lost. “Reid loves you. He’ll listen to you. He won’t shut you down.” Luke gave her a doubtful look “well not if you warn him beforehand that he won’t like the answer but that he really, really needs to listen until you’ve finished because it won’t be what he expects. But if you’re really worried, you can tell him that if he dares shut you out, I will tie him up on his bed and force him to watch 6 hours of Teletubbies. That should do it” Luke couldn’t help but laugh at that. Imagining Reid’s face at watching that particular kid show was simply hilarious. “See? It won’t be so bad. Well, no it’ll be bad. It’ll probably take a lot out of you to have that conversation with him, but you need to. You need to deal with the whole Noah issue before starting anything serious with him; otherwise, it will haunt you both.” Luke nodded.
“I know Katie. I’ve thought about it a lot in the last 24 hours. I…I think I know why I kept going back and forth between Noah and Reid and…I want it to be over. I want Noah’s shadow to stop lingering onto my relationship with Reid too. The only problem is that, I’m not sure all of it can come immediately. I think there are some things I’m not over, bad things, and I don’t know how Reid will react to that. Will he accept that I still have issues because of things that happened between Noah and me?”
“Those issues…they’re due to things Noah did?” Luke nodded “And you think those issues will influence you and how you act with Reid” Again, Katie received a nod for an answer. “Alright. Then just tell him that. Tell him exactly what kind of reactions you may have and why and tell him it’s not personal to him. Or even to Noah. It’s personal to you and just like any other issue related to the past, you’ll need time to get over it, but that it will never affect how much you love Reid.”
Luke nodded. That made sense. And it was so simple too. But for the life of him, Luke hadn’t been able to figure this out by himself. He was too much of a mess still. Or maybe he was just too frightened at the idea of seeing Reid again and maybe risking loosing him for good.
“Katie, do you think I should go see Reid today?” Luke asked, looking at the older woman with a hurt puppy look.
“Well, do you feel strong enough right now to have a conversation with him?”
“I…I think so, yes. And…I really want this to be over. I hate being separated from Reid. I want to see him real bad.”
“Then go to him! Now!”
“Right now? But…I probably look a mess. My eyes are probably red”
“So? There’s nothing wrong in Reid seeing how this affected you”
“Noah wouldn’t have liked it. Not when he was angry. He thought crying was a way to make him stop being angry, you know, manipulate him or something.”
“Luke…I don’t think I have to tell you that Reid is not Noah.”
Luke shook his head “No. I know that. Very well actually. But Katie, I still tend to react like I did with Noah. When things went bad….they went bad. I’m not used to reacting differently.”
“Well that’s normal. We all come in a new relationship with baggage Luke. Even our very first one. We have experiences in our lives that affect our reactions and we discover that we need to adjust our reactions in different circumstances. Reid and you are new circumstances, but you’ll adjust.”
Luke hugged his friend. Her confidence in him helped him a lot. It gave him the courage to enter her car, so she can drive him to the hospital
************************
Reid looked at Jacob’s sleeping form. He envied the little guy, he truly did. Life as a baby was so easy. He wished Jacob would never grow up so he’ll always stay this blissfully happy. But he knew it was impossible. Didn’t mean his mother and he wouldn’t do everything in their powers to make his life as good as possible. Talking about his mother….he wondered when Katie would go back. He didn’t normally mind looking after the kid but that was because he normally had other things to entertain himself with when the baby was sleeping. Suddenly, the door opened and his friend entered.
“Hey Reid! How’s it going?” Reid grunted “Oh that good huh?” Then Katie lost her smile and became serious “Reid, did you think things over the last few days? About Lke I mean”
Reid snorted “What else was there to think about?”
“So you know what you want to ask him. What issues you may still have that need to be addressed?”
“Yeah…I know why I feel the way I feel.”
“And are you feeling receptive and open-minded today?”
Reid frowned. “Katie, are you trying to tell me something?” he asked though he was pretty sure he already knew the answer.
“Yes, but answer the question first. Because if you’re feeling on the defensive or you think you might go on the defensive if you hear something you don’t like, then no I won’t be actually implying what you think I’m implying because I’ll make sure the thing I’m implying doesn’t come in this room.” Reid’s heart skipped a beat. He had been right. Luke was here. Luke was here. Reid swallowed difficultly. It was one thing to think himself ready for that particular conversation, it was another entirely to actually be faced with the reality of said conversation happening now. Reid swallowed down any nervousness he might feel and looked at his friend.
“Yes. I’m capable of listening to what Luke has to say without shutting him out”
“You’re sure?” Katie double-checked “Because it will not only hurt Luke if you shut down; he’ll think he lost you for good.”
“No. I’m sure. It’s fine Katie. I’ll listen to everything he has to say. No matter what it is” He added softly. His voice had gotten sad.
“It’s not what you think Reid. This is not negative. This is good. This is Luke growing up and dealing with things he needed to deal with but which he had bottled up. You’ll see. Everything will be just fine. Just give it some time and remember to be patient. After all, Luke is patient with your moods, and lord knows they’re not always easy to deal with. So give him this, ok” Reid nodded.
Now sure that her friend was ready for this difficult conversation, Katie picked up her child and left the room.
Reid closed his eyes and mentally prepared himself for what was to come. When he opened them again, his beautiful boyfriend was standing before him, hands in his pockets, fidgeting from one foot to the other. His eyes were red and he looked like a puppy that someone had kicked. He looked much younger than usual, like a child afraid of being scolded and punished.
“Hi Reid” Luke said softly. The young man could feel his throat closing down on itself and his hands shaking. “Hey” Reid responded as softly. Luke could feel tears filling his eyes. Reid sighed at the sight. “Hey, hey. Come here” Reid said opening his arms. Immediately, Luke rushed into the older man’s arms and hugged him tightly. Sobs racked through his body and Reid’s heart ached at seeing Luke like this. Luke and he needed to have a talk. But right now, what Luke really needed was to be close to Reid and to let all those bottled up emotions go. It would made this conversation easier if Luke cried now. And besides, Reid had missed the feel of Luke in his arm. He wasn’t in a hurry to lose it again.
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AN : First, I’d like to mention that I meant no bashing about the TV shows mentioned by Reid. I actually was a HUGE fan of the Care Bears and still have my Cheer Bear Plushie. Although I admit to disliking the Teletubbies a lot. A LOT.
Second, I’m sorry to all Noah fans. From what my muse has given me, I think the Noah in this fic will be much different than the one in Le choix du Coeur. So yeah, don’t expect good stuff from Noah in this fic right now. And remember that I haven’t watched Noah/Luke story over the years, so of course there might be some things I say that don’t quite add up in your opinion.
Third: HOPE YOU LIKED IT!!!!!!!! Next chapter will be the discussion between Luke and Reid and….well I’ll figure out what comes after the end. Again, expect an update in about 7 days. I really wanted to update a lot more but well…school…you know how that is….especially English lit class…I’m a francophone. Somehow I think I haven’t understood what Engl lit teachers want in their essays that I don’t give them, ‘cause I didn’t have that problem in French Literature essays! Anyway, please comment, it’s always nice to read your thoughts!