And nothing else (6/?)
Title: And nothing else.
Author: KittyBlackCat
Disclaimer: Luke and Reid aren't going at it like bunnies and Luke still says the name Noah (who hasn't disappeared to another country forever and gotten married to a guy named Marco) so obviously, I don't own ATWT or its characters
Rating: PG-13(to be safe)
Summary: Post episode of June 17th. Reid said that he would do nothing else but his job. Just how far along that line will he go?
Words: 4577
Part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5
AN: I'M SO SORRY! I had the most awful case of writer's block. I mean I had writer's block before but never on stories that meant so much to me like my Lure ones. Really depressing month of July. Barely any Lure and writer block on my Lure fics. But hey, at least now chapter 6 of this is finally up and chapter 7 has started being written (don't know if it'll be finished today though. I have to wake up early tomorrow to go babysit. It really sucks that I could not write one single word during my two weeks off and now I'm back to work, I can write again but have little time to do so!)
Special thanks: To Rukelover!!! For sending me ideas to try to eradicate my writers block. I know it’s been a while, but I was really blocked. But today, I read your message again, copied it in word so I could read it over and over and Voilà! This chapter was born thanks to you and your ideas! So thanks girl, you rock!!!
Chapter 6
Luke sat on Katie Snyder’s couch, head thrown back and eyes closed. The last month was seriously starting to take a tool on him. It had been so hard to see Reid sick and almost as hard to endure Reid’s behaviour while on caffeine withdrawal. Seriously, in the last two weeks, there had been moments that made Reid’s attitude when he arrived to Oakdale seem like the attitude of Mother Teresa. But Luke sat there and endured every insult, every sarcasm, without giving it back. But boy did he want to sometimes. His tongue hurt from all the times he bit it to restrain himself from placing a couple of not-so-nice words in his conversations with Reid. But Luke felt like he didn’t have a choice. Reid wasn’t really at fault for his behaviour. He was in withdrawal and sure it was from his own decision of drinking enormous amount of energy drink but…well he had been doing that because of Luke calling it quits. So Luke couldn’t give up this time. He had to show Reid that he was here to stay. He thought he had succeeded the day he had accidentally let it slipped that he loved Reid but he wasn’t sure that the message was heard and taken as a fact. So yeah, the last few weeks had been difficult. Luke was exhausted. He had been so stressed and guilty and angry…He needed to breathe.
“Hey Luke!” Katie greeted him as she entered her home. “How was Jacob? Did he gave you any trouble?”
“Katie, when have you known that kid to give any trouble to anyone? Everything was fine. How was work?”
“It was good…but apparently your day wasn’t good.”
“It’s not the day as much as the month” Luke replied tiredly
“Yeah, I know what you mean.” Katie said softly “Seeing Reid like that was hard on all of us, but especially on you.”
“Yeah because it’s my fault!”
“Luke, no! Don’t…”
“It is Katie!” Luke interrupted her brusquely “I just…I…I love him okay. I do. And I did back then, when I called it quits. That’s why I called it quits! I was scared…I was scared I would get my heart broken and I didn’t think I could handle that. And I hurt Reid so badly… I just…it’s my fault”
“Did Reid tell you that?”
“Well of course not! He wouldn’t come out and say it. But it doesn’t make it any less true!”
“Somehow I don’t think Reid would see it like that. Have you talked to him about this? About how guilty you feel about your decision back then?”
“No” Luke said, looking a little sheepish. “I just…he’s been doing so well recently…I didn’t want to remind him of the bad times or upset him”
“Luke. Do you know what a porcelain doll is?” Katie asked in a serious tone. Luke looked at her like she had grown a second head. Sometimes he really didn’t get his friend. Women….Gosh he was so happy to be gay! “Seriously Luke do you know what a porcelain doll looks like?”
“Yes Katie” Luke answered slowly, unsure of what in the world his friend’s point was.
“Alright, now picture it in your head, then picture Reid beside it” Katie added smiling and completely ignoring Luke’s ‘you’re insane’ look. “Now tell me, does Reid look like the porcelain doll?”
Luke’s look had switched to a ‘I’ll call 911 and ask them to put you in the psych yard ASAP’ look by the time he answered “No Katie, he doesn’t look like one”
“Well then” Katie said smiling “Why are you treating him like one!” She screamed, loosing her smile and hitting him on the head saying “Idiot”
“Ouch Katie, what the hell?”
“Luke you can’t treat Reid like he’s going to break any second. He won’t thank you for it! In fact, he’ll probably resent you for it! He has his pride Luke! Of all the things you have to know about Reid if you’re gonna date him, that’s one of the most important. Look, I’m not saying you shouldn’t care or take care of him” Katie added putting her hand on Luke’s “I know how much that was an issue between you and Noah. And you shouldn’t fear that it would be an issue with Reid because it wouldn’t. He won’t show it and he’ll certainly won’t say it, but Reid, he’d actually appreciate you caring for him so much. However, he will never be able to stand you treating him like he’s fragile. The man has a huge ego remember? That means that you have to care for him while still showing him that whatever is wrong with him at the moment doesn’t make him weak and won’t change how you act with him. And that’s what you’ve been doing Luke”
“No I haven’t. I…”
“Oh really Mr.Snyder?” Katie asked in a sarcastic tone that would have made her roommate intensely proud. “That’s why Reid’s been purposefully trying to rile you up using comments he knows piss you off and make you tell him exactly what you think of those comments, only to have you smile a very badly faked smile and pretend everything is okay when in fact you want to grab his neck and squeeze? Luke, if there’s one thing Reid hates, it’s dishonesty. You have to know that. The guy is painfully, and tactlessly truthful ” Luke smiled at that. It was one of the many things he liked about Reid
“And if I’m not mistaken, you like that about Reid”
“I do” Luke said softly.
“Well, Reid likes how you never let him get away with his crap. He likes how you go toe-to-toe with him. It’s one of the things that attracted him about you in the first place!”
“Really?”
“Yes, really!” Katie exasperated “Seriously Luke sometimes….You tell me you love Reid just like he is, although some things you hope he will improve, like his social skills for example. But did you ever stop to think that maybe Reid feels the same way? That he loves you for who and what you are? That you don’t have to restrain yourself or always walk on eggshells because you’re afraid of doing something that displeases him and messing things up? Luke! You can’t mess things up by being yourself! Not with Reid! It’s by doing the opposite that you’ll mess things up”
“Reid told you all those things?”
“When have you known Reid to talk that much?” Luke chuckled at that “But I don’t need him to tell me explicitly what’s going on. I just need a couple of sentences to understand all that. I know him pretty well Luke. I can tell these things and once you spent more time with him so will you.”
“Man I was stupid wasn’t I” Luke laughed bitterly.
“Not stupid, insecure. And confused. You and Reid need to have a talk about your relationship because right now, I don’t think you’re convinced you even have one with him. And Luke, you need to realise that you can’t act with Reid like you would with Noah. They’re different and you can’t treat your relationship with Reid like the one you had with Noah because they’re not going to be the same. Every relationship is different. You can’t define what a relationship is based on what you had with Noah.”
“I know that!”
“But it’s still hard for your head to get that sometimes isn’t it?” Luke nodded “Well that’s something Reid needs to know. He needs to know that you may not react in a relationship like you used to react with him when you guys weren’t together because you’re copying how you acted with Noah, so that he understands what’s going on.”
“Yeah, you’re right. That’s…I need to talk to him. I’ll go see him tomorrow. Thanks Katie”
“No problem honey” Katie said hugging him. “Now, go get some much needed sleep in Reid’s bed!”
“Wha..uh what?”
“Oh come on, you didn’t really think I believed you’ve been sleeping on the couch all this time! You may not wake up every time Jacob cries but as his mother I do!”
“Oh” Luke said blushing “So you knew about that”
“Yup! Now get some sleep! You’ll have a long day tomorrow”
****************************************************
Reid Oliver was bored. Actually, there was no word to describe how he was feeling. He was just….He needed to do something. Preferably something that involved a scalpel and lots of blood. And he didn’t even have Luke to entertain him. Well… He had Luke. He was just not really entertaining nowadays. And Reid tried. Seriously, he tried really hard to make him explode or be snide or anything but no….that damn smile…if at least it was a real smile. If it was real, he could comfort himself for entertaining his…well Luke, but it was fake and it drove him nuts! And of course Katie had noticed something was wrong two seconds after setting foot into his hospital room and had grilled him about it until he cave and told her about his…feelings. Argh! He hated talking about feelings. Why couldn’t everyone just talk about brains and chess? So yeah, Reid was bored and annoyed with his whatever-Luke-was. So when said Luke Snyder entered his room, he wasn’t particularly enthusiastic about it and neither was Luke for that matter.
“Hey” Luke said timidly. Reid just looked at him silently. “Soooo…”
“So?” Reid asked
“Are you angry at me?” Luke’s voice was so small. He was looking at his shoes more often then not and even had his hands in his pockets. This was all wrong. Luke Snyder was a confident, arrogant little brat who always gave as much as he got…this version of Luke…Reid didn’t quite know that to do with it…it made his heart clench.
“No” Reid sighed “I’m not angry at you Luke. Why would you think that?”
“Well I know I’ve acted…I mean…I didn’t mean to. It’s just I was so worried about you and I felt guilty and I didn’t know how to react or where we were or what we were rather and I didn’t want to lose you but I did because I was acting stupid and…” Luke rambled rapidly
“wooo. Slow down Luke. Breathe. Breathe” Reid repeated. “I didn’t catch a third of that. Slow down and form sentences that actually make some sense would you”
“Yeah I’m sorry I just…”
“How about you sit down. Whatever you have to say I’m pretty sure you better not stay standing. Plus if you start like that again, you’ll faint from lack of air and it would be much less painful to fall when sitting then to fall when standing.” Luke laughed at that. Boy was he nervous or what. And it was ridiculous, I mean it was just Reid. ‘Yeah just Reid’ Luke thought ‘Just the guy you’re crazy in love with, even though you didn’t know you were crazy in love with him until he almost killed himself over you rejecting him and…dear god I’m doing it again aren’t I? I’m rambling in my own head’
“You’re babbling in your own head aren’t you?” Reid asked matter-of-factly.
“ahah. Yeah I am. Listen…I talked to Katie and…”
“Oh no” Reid groaned “That woman! What did she tell you? Gosh the day she learns to mind her own business will be the best day of the rest of humanity!”
“Well, I don’t know Reid. Katie makes a lot of sense, you know”
“Of course she does! She’s my best friend isn’t she? I don’t associate with idiots Luke. That’s why I tend to avoid most people in this hellhole”
“Yeah well you’ve kinda been associating with an idiot recently.”
“Who? Doogie? That’s only because he’s slightly less of an idiot that the other doctors around here.”
“No actually I was talking about me”
“You’re not an idiot Luke. You’re just acting…well I don’t really know what you’ve been acting like.”
“Like I was walking around on eggshells?” Luke suggested “Or like you’re a porcelain doll that’s gonna break if I’m not careful?”
“You had a long talk with Katie didn’t you?”
“Yep. But then again, I always have long talks with Katie. It kinda became a tradition of ours since you’ve been hospitalized. I almost always have a long talk with her before going to sleep.”
“In my bed” Reid added smirking. Reid couldn’t keep himself from laughing at Luke’s expression when he said that. His eyes were wider than ever, his cheeks were bright red and his mouth had formed a cute little ‘O’. “Don’t be so surprised Luke. Katie is my best friend after all. It’s her job to cheer me up. And if to do so she has to divulge something personal that she wasn’t told was a secret…”
“I just…I can’t believe she did that. Well, no actually I can believe it, I just can’t believe you know about that! That’s so embarrassing”
“Caring about me and needing to feel close to me so much that you sleep in my bed most of the week is embarrassing?”
“Well no…I’m not embarrassed I care enough to do that, I just…”
“You just what Luke?” Reid sighed. He was tired. He just didn’t have the energy or patience today to turn around the bush and go no where. Luke looked at Reid’s exasperated expression. This wasn’t going at all like he had planned. Damn it! Since when was it Luke who had a problem communicating?
“Look Reid” Luke started, taking Reid’s hands in his. “If…the reason I’m so mortified that you know this is…well…don’t…please don’t interrupt me or get angry about anything I’m gonna tell you okay.” Reid nodded sensing Luke’s desperate need for him to listen “If…When I was dating Noah, especially recently, if I had done that…it wouldn’t have been received the way you received it. When you told me you knew, you were all smug about it and flattered…that’s not how Noah would have reacted and I know you’re not him. Trust me I know you’re not him. But it’s…it’s a little like… you know those kids with divorced parents who don’t agree on the same rules? When they go to dad’s place, they might get punish because they did things that are forbidden at dad’s but allowed at mom’s. They know they’re not supposed to do it at their dad’s but they’re so used to it, that they do it anyway. Or they’re allowed certain things at dad’s but they don’t dare do them because they’re so used to those things being forbidden, you know what I mean?”
“Sure. Basically, you’re saying ‘old habits die hard’ but with a hell of a lot more words.” Luke laughed.
“Yeah, what I’m saying is exactly that. My definition of a relationship is what I had with Noah. Obviously, if you want to have a relationship with me, it will take me time to adjust, to learn how to act in a relationship with you. One of the things that you can expect at first is for me to tend to walk on eggshells. I’m…I’m used to being the one who messes things up, the one whose at fault…”
“Ok stop it right there.” Reid said in a hard voice. Luke looked at him with worried eyes. Had he messed things up already? “You do not mess things up and you are certainly not the one at fault. It takes two to tango Luke. Always. If there is a problem in any couple, then both parties are at fault at least to some extent. Well except maybe in cases of adultery, but even some of those aren’t really exceptions to this rule. Luke” Reid squeezed his companion’s hand harder and grabbed his chin to force eye contact “I may have not been there from the start of your relationship with Noah, but from what I’ve seen since I came here, I can tell you that you weren’t the one with the majority of the blame for things not working. You tried every single thing you could think of to save that relationship and the reason it didn’t work has nothing to do with you and everything to do with Mr. Mayer.”
“Maybe you’re right. But do you at least understand how I can think that I was at fault?” Luke asked with tears rising in his eyes.
“Oh yes. I totally get that. And if I wasn’t a mature adult, my fist would have had a very violent encounter with one Noah Mayer’s face a long time ago. But I am a mature adult and I was his doctor so unfortunately my beating some sense into your ex’s head will forever remain only a fantasy.” Luke laughed.
“You know, that’s one of the first things I noticed about you, Reid. The way you always seemed to cheer me up and make me forget my problems even if it was only because I was too focus on trying not to strangle you to think of anything else! I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting recently. I haven’t been acting like myself and with you, that doesn’t work because you know instantaneously that I’m faking and acting out of character. I’ve been…I’ve been feeling very unsure of where things go from now. I told you I love you…accidentally told you, but still…but love doesn’t necessary means dating and I’m….well I’m pretty sure you love me back, but I’m not 100% sure of what you want with me, if you want anything to do with me at all. I mean…we haven’t talked about what happened in the two months between my calling things off and you getting hospitalized.”
Suddenly, Reid’s face fell and became hard.
“I don’t want to talk about it” Reid said harshly. “There’s no need to anyway”
“Well that’s just too bad Reid Oliver, because I’m not leaving this room or stopping nagging you about it until you do talk about it. Me letting you act like a jerk and smiling about it, stops right here, right now. You wanted me to be myself and to stop treating you like you were fragile, well that’s what I’m doing so deal with it!”
“You have spent way too much time with Katie” Reid’s tone was neutral, but in a bad way. Luke didn’t like it at all. Reid had closed a wall on himself and that had to change. Luke wanted to start a serious relationship with Reid, and there was no way they could do that without Reid talking about those two awful months. If that meant pissing Reid off, then so be it. If Reid was hiding anger or resentment towards Luke and they didn’t clear the air now, then those feelings would fester with time and other circumstances and it would tear their relationship apart. Reid was much too precious to Luke to allow that.
“Yeah well I didn’t have a choice did I, Reid? I couldn’t handle you being in this bed, hooked up on those machines and IVs. Not alone. I needed someone to rely on and so did Katie. When I wasn’t able to cope then she would be there to support me and vice versa. So yeah, I spent a lot of time with Katie and I still do. Because it isn’t over. You haven’t talk about what happened and you need to. You don’t want to, I get that, but you need to Reid. So please, please talk to me. Or scream at me or anything else!”
The only answer Luke got was silence. Luke took a deep breath to calm himself down. “Alright. Let’s start with me shall we?” Reid ignored him. “On the day I called it quits, I gave you chances to tell me what was going on and you didn’t. You hid things from me and you took a decision that affected the both of us without consulting me. That made me angry. I really wanted to be with you Reid and you not consulting me, that hurt. But the truth is, I didn’t break things off because I was angry. I broke things off because I was scared.” Reid looked at Luke at that. His expression had morphed into one of curiosity and confusion.
“ I was scared Reid. Terrified actually. And those fears along with my promise never to be anyone’s doormat again, made me break up with you. You see, I’ve moved on from Noah but I haven’t moved on from the issues and the pain the relationship caused me. And because of that, I’m very insecure when it comes to romantic relationships. I’m so scared of losing you and having to live through that again, except this time it would be worse. You see, when you were in the coma, I…I had a discussion with you…well not with you but you know what I mean.” Reid nodded. “Do you want to know what I told you that night?”
“Yes” Reid whispered.
“I told you that when you kissed me the first time, I wanted to jump from joy. When you kiss me, I feel soooo much, I can’t believe it. I can’t describe it because I don’t know what it is. I’ve been in love, I’ve known lust and yet I can’t describe what I feel for you because it’s different and it’s more intense than anything. I loved Noah, Reid. I did. And my relationship with him…I suffered so much at times and the break-up was awful. I felt torn apart and the only reason it was bearable was because of you. Because I kept finding any excuse possible to talk to you. It was fun, trying to rile you up.” Luke laughed and Reid chuckled. He knew what Luke meant. He had enjoyed those days too, even if Luke did annoy the hell out of him. “My point is that, if what I feel for you is more intense than what I’ve ever felt with Noah when I haven’t even started dating you yet, then if I did date you and you broke things off…I didn’t think I could handle it. So when you didn’t talk to me about the ultimatum, my heart saw a perfect opportunity to save itself. I called it quits before I got hurt, over a stupid reason. And I felt like I had made the right choice…for like 3-4 days. After that, the only thing I felt was sad. I ate more ice-cream during those two months than I did my whole life. I also slept a lot more than I ever remember. Well for a while. After the first month, I was doubting my decision and missing you so much I had a lot of trouble falling asleep. It was hard on me too, to be separated from you, the only difference is that I had only myself to blame for my own pain and I ate a lot instead of starving myself like you did.”
“The opposite of our usual eating habits” Reid said.
“Reid. I know I hurt you a lot. And I understand that you may be angry or may simply not want to be in a relationship with me because of that…”
“Don’t say that!” Reid interrupted “That’s why I didn’t want to talk about this with you! Because I knew I’d see that guilty look on your face when I did and I didn’t want to see that. It wasn’t your fault! You didn’t force me to stop eating and sleeping. I did that on my own, just like I told Allison. I don’t want you to blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault.”
“Yes it was! I did this to you!” Luke screamed, tears falling from his eyes. He was almost sobbing.
“NO! Luke, look at me” Reid grabbed Luke’s face in both hands and brought it close to his “You are not responsible for how I reacted. Yes, I was hurt by the break up because I love you” Luke let out a sob. “but so were you because you love me too. This whole thing…it was a whole mess. We both suffered from it and we’re both partly to blame.”
“No you didn’t…”
“Go after you” Reid completed Luke’s sentence. “I didn’t go after you, I didn’t fight for you and that hurt you, that proved to you that you had been right to save yourself. Don’t tell me I’m wrong about that Luke, because we both know I’m right.”
“Yeah. You are.”
“So there, see? Something I’m to blame for. Takes two to tango Luke, remember?”
“Yeah, I remember” Luke answered calming down. “But it’s really hard to apply that rule and feel like I’m not the one to blame for the problems we have”
“Come here” Reid said, indicating for Luke to come sit beside him on the bed. Reid took Luke in his arms and kissed his forehead. He really, really wanted to punch Noah Mayer. Reid had known for months that Luke had issues with feeling guilty but he hadn’t thought he would have those issues with Reid too. He thought it was solely with Noah but apparently, Noah blaming Luke for his blindness had made more damage then he had thought. “You’ll just have to work on that. I don’t like my boyfriend feeling guilty about things, especially not things concerning me. I hate to say this because I am not a fan of talking but…talk to me ok? When something is wrong, when you’re angry or sad or guilty, tell me these things. Because you know I am kinda of oblivious at times, so if you’re angry that I forgot your birthday, chances are I won’t know that’s why you’re angry.”
“Boyfriend?” Luke asked “Does that mean we’re dating now?”
“Now? I thought we’d been dating since you tried to force me to eat horrible food and told me you loved me?” Reid joked. It had the intended effect; Luke started laughing.
“But seriously, talk to me ok? Or if you feel you can’t, talk to Katie. She’ll kick my butt for you”
“Same thing here. I know you’re not much of a talker, but try if something upsets you. And feel free to seek Katie on me too.”
“Oh I will Mr.Snyder. Just remember though that Katie is my best-friend.”
“Oh crap.” Luke said, eye widening at the thousands of scenarios going through his head as to what Katie Snyder could do to him if he didn’t treat her best-friend right.
“Although Katie and you seemed to have gotten a lot closer since I’ve been sick, so maybe I’m the one who should be worrying about what she could do to me. She does have some pretty good blackmail material on me after all”
“Really?” Luke asked grinning like the cat that ate the canary and its brother.
“Oh sh*t. I shouldn’t have said that” Luke laughed
“Don’t worry Reid. I won’t use Katie’s blackmail material.” Reid sighed in relief “I don’t need to. After all, I’m the one who blackmailed you into coming here in the first place. I’m more than capable enough to find my own material” Reid groaned at that, but Luke just laughed. “And the worst is, now that I have you Dr.Oliver, you’re stuck with me forever.”
“Forever?”
“I have an optimistic personality.”
Reid laughed. “Fine, let’s go with forever.”
Author: KittyBlackCat
Disclaimer: Luke and Reid aren't going at it like bunnies and Luke still says the name Noah (who hasn't disappeared to another country forever and gotten married to a guy named Marco) so obviously, I don't own ATWT or its characters
Rating: PG-13(to be safe)
Summary: Post episode of June 17th. Reid said that he would do nothing else but his job. Just how far along that line will he go?
Words: 4577
Part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5
AN: I'M SO SORRY! I had the most awful case of writer's block. I mean I had writer's block before but never on stories that meant so much to me like my Lure ones. Really depressing month of July. Barely any Lure and writer block on my Lure fics. But hey, at least now chapter 6 of this is finally up and chapter 7 has started being written (don't know if it'll be finished today though. I have to wake up early tomorrow to go babysit. It really sucks that I could not write one single word during my two weeks off and now I'm back to work, I can write again but have little time to do so!)
Special thanks: To Rukelover!!! For sending me ideas to try to eradicate my writers block. I know it’s been a while, but I was really blocked. But today, I read your message again, copied it in word so I could read it over and over and Voilà! This chapter was born thanks to you and your ideas! So thanks girl, you rock!!!
Chapter 6
Luke sat on Katie Snyder’s couch, head thrown back and eyes closed. The last month was seriously starting to take a tool on him. It had been so hard to see Reid sick and almost as hard to endure Reid’s behaviour while on caffeine withdrawal. Seriously, in the last two weeks, there had been moments that made Reid’s attitude when he arrived to Oakdale seem like the attitude of Mother Teresa. But Luke sat there and endured every insult, every sarcasm, without giving it back. But boy did he want to sometimes. His tongue hurt from all the times he bit it to restrain himself from placing a couple of not-so-nice words in his conversations with Reid. But Luke felt like he didn’t have a choice. Reid wasn’t really at fault for his behaviour. He was in withdrawal and sure it was from his own decision of drinking enormous amount of energy drink but…well he had been doing that because of Luke calling it quits. So Luke couldn’t give up this time. He had to show Reid that he was here to stay. He thought he had succeeded the day he had accidentally let it slipped that he loved Reid but he wasn’t sure that the message was heard and taken as a fact. So yeah, the last few weeks had been difficult. Luke was exhausted. He had been so stressed and guilty and angry…He needed to breathe.
“Hey Luke!” Katie greeted him as she entered her home. “How was Jacob? Did he gave you any trouble?”
“Katie, when have you known that kid to give any trouble to anyone? Everything was fine. How was work?”
“It was good…but apparently your day wasn’t good.”
“It’s not the day as much as the month” Luke replied tiredly
“Yeah, I know what you mean.” Katie said softly “Seeing Reid like that was hard on all of us, but especially on you.”
“Yeah because it’s my fault!”
“Luke, no! Don’t…”
“It is Katie!” Luke interrupted her brusquely “I just…I…I love him okay. I do. And I did back then, when I called it quits. That’s why I called it quits! I was scared…I was scared I would get my heart broken and I didn’t think I could handle that. And I hurt Reid so badly… I just…it’s my fault”
“Did Reid tell you that?”
“Well of course not! He wouldn’t come out and say it. But it doesn’t make it any less true!”
“Somehow I don’t think Reid would see it like that. Have you talked to him about this? About how guilty you feel about your decision back then?”
“No” Luke said, looking a little sheepish. “I just…he’s been doing so well recently…I didn’t want to remind him of the bad times or upset him”
“Luke. Do you know what a porcelain doll is?” Katie asked in a serious tone. Luke looked at her like she had grown a second head. Sometimes he really didn’t get his friend. Women….Gosh he was so happy to be gay! “Seriously Luke do you know what a porcelain doll looks like?”
“Yes Katie” Luke answered slowly, unsure of what in the world his friend’s point was.
“Alright, now picture it in your head, then picture Reid beside it” Katie added smiling and completely ignoring Luke’s ‘you’re insane’ look. “Now tell me, does Reid look like the porcelain doll?”
Luke’s look had switched to a ‘I’ll call 911 and ask them to put you in the psych yard ASAP’ look by the time he answered “No Katie, he doesn’t look like one”
“Well then” Katie said smiling “Why are you treating him like one!” She screamed, loosing her smile and hitting him on the head saying “Idiot”
“Ouch Katie, what the hell?”
“Luke you can’t treat Reid like he’s going to break any second. He won’t thank you for it! In fact, he’ll probably resent you for it! He has his pride Luke! Of all the things you have to know about Reid if you’re gonna date him, that’s one of the most important. Look, I’m not saying you shouldn’t care or take care of him” Katie added putting her hand on Luke’s “I know how much that was an issue between you and Noah. And you shouldn’t fear that it would be an issue with Reid because it wouldn’t. He won’t show it and he’ll certainly won’t say it, but Reid, he’d actually appreciate you caring for him so much. However, he will never be able to stand you treating him like he’s fragile. The man has a huge ego remember? That means that you have to care for him while still showing him that whatever is wrong with him at the moment doesn’t make him weak and won’t change how you act with him. And that’s what you’ve been doing Luke”
“No I haven’t. I…”
“Oh really Mr.Snyder?” Katie asked in a sarcastic tone that would have made her roommate intensely proud. “That’s why Reid’s been purposefully trying to rile you up using comments he knows piss you off and make you tell him exactly what you think of those comments, only to have you smile a very badly faked smile and pretend everything is okay when in fact you want to grab his neck and squeeze? Luke, if there’s one thing Reid hates, it’s dishonesty. You have to know that. The guy is painfully, and tactlessly truthful ” Luke smiled at that. It was one of the many things he liked about Reid
“And if I’m not mistaken, you like that about Reid”
“I do” Luke said softly.
“Well, Reid likes how you never let him get away with his crap. He likes how you go toe-to-toe with him. It’s one of the things that attracted him about you in the first place!”
“Really?”
“Yes, really!” Katie exasperated “Seriously Luke sometimes….You tell me you love Reid just like he is, although some things you hope he will improve, like his social skills for example. But did you ever stop to think that maybe Reid feels the same way? That he loves you for who and what you are? That you don’t have to restrain yourself or always walk on eggshells because you’re afraid of doing something that displeases him and messing things up? Luke! You can’t mess things up by being yourself! Not with Reid! It’s by doing the opposite that you’ll mess things up”
“Reid told you all those things?”
“When have you known Reid to talk that much?” Luke chuckled at that “But I don’t need him to tell me explicitly what’s going on. I just need a couple of sentences to understand all that. I know him pretty well Luke. I can tell these things and once you spent more time with him so will you.”
“Man I was stupid wasn’t I” Luke laughed bitterly.
“Not stupid, insecure. And confused. You and Reid need to have a talk about your relationship because right now, I don’t think you’re convinced you even have one with him. And Luke, you need to realise that you can’t act with Reid like you would with Noah. They’re different and you can’t treat your relationship with Reid like the one you had with Noah because they’re not going to be the same. Every relationship is different. You can’t define what a relationship is based on what you had with Noah.”
“I know that!”
“But it’s still hard for your head to get that sometimes isn’t it?” Luke nodded “Well that’s something Reid needs to know. He needs to know that you may not react in a relationship like you used to react with him when you guys weren’t together because you’re copying how you acted with Noah, so that he understands what’s going on.”
“Yeah, you’re right. That’s…I need to talk to him. I’ll go see him tomorrow. Thanks Katie”
“No problem honey” Katie said hugging him. “Now, go get some much needed sleep in Reid’s bed!”
“Wha..uh what?”
“Oh come on, you didn’t really think I believed you’ve been sleeping on the couch all this time! You may not wake up every time Jacob cries but as his mother I do!”
“Oh” Luke said blushing “So you knew about that”
“Yup! Now get some sleep! You’ll have a long day tomorrow”
****************************************************
Reid Oliver was bored. Actually, there was no word to describe how he was feeling. He was just….He needed to do something. Preferably something that involved a scalpel and lots of blood. And he didn’t even have Luke to entertain him. Well… He had Luke. He was just not really entertaining nowadays. And Reid tried. Seriously, he tried really hard to make him explode or be snide or anything but no….that damn smile…if at least it was a real smile. If it was real, he could comfort himself for entertaining his…well Luke, but it was fake and it drove him nuts! And of course Katie had noticed something was wrong two seconds after setting foot into his hospital room and had grilled him about it until he cave and told her about his…feelings. Argh! He hated talking about feelings. Why couldn’t everyone just talk about brains and chess? So yeah, Reid was bored and annoyed with his whatever-Luke-was. So when said Luke Snyder entered his room, he wasn’t particularly enthusiastic about it and neither was Luke for that matter.
“Hey” Luke said timidly. Reid just looked at him silently. “Soooo…”
“So?” Reid asked
“Are you angry at me?” Luke’s voice was so small. He was looking at his shoes more often then not and even had his hands in his pockets. This was all wrong. Luke Snyder was a confident, arrogant little brat who always gave as much as he got…this version of Luke…Reid didn’t quite know that to do with it…it made his heart clench.
“No” Reid sighed “I’m not angry at you Luke. Why would you think that?”
“Well I know I’ve acted…I mean…I didn’t mean to. It’s just I was so worried about you and I felt guilty and I didn’t know how to react or where we were or what we were rather and I didn’t want to lose you but I did because I was acting stupid and…” Luke rambled rapidly
“wooo. Slow down Luke. Breathe. Breathe” Reid repeated. “I didn’t catch a third of that. Slow down and form sentences that actually make some sense would you”
“Yeah I’m sorry I just…”
“How about you sit down. Whatever you have to say I’m pretty sure you better not stay standing. Plus if you start like that again, you’ll faint from lack of air and it would be much less painful to fall when sitting then to fall when standing.” Luke laughed at that. Boy was he nervous or what. And it was ridiculous, I mean it was just Reid. ‘Yeah just Reid’ Luke thought ‘Just the guy you’re crazy in love with, even though you didn’t know you were crazy in love with him until he almost killed himself over you rejecting him and…dear god I’m doing it again aren’t I? I’m rambling in my own head’
“You’re babbling in your own head aren’t you?” Reid asked matter-of-factly.
“ahah. Yeah I am. Listen…I talked to Katie and…”
“Oh no” Reid groaned “That woman! What did she tell you? Gosh the day she learns to mind her own business will be the best day of the rest of humanity!”
“Well, I don’t know Reid. Katie makes a lot of sense, you know”
“Of course she does! She’s my best friend isn’t she? I don’t associate with idiots Luke. That’s why I tend to avoid most people in this hellhole”
“Yeah well you’ve kinda been associating with an idiot recently.”
“Who? Doogie? That’s only because he’s slightly less of an idiot that the other doctors around here.”
“No actually I was talking about me”
“You’re not an idiot Luke. You’re just acting…well I don’t really know what you’ve been acting like.”
“Like I was walking around on eggshells?” Luke suggested “Or like you’re a porcelain doll that’s gonna break if I’m not careful?”
“You had a long talk with Katie didn’t you?”
“Yep. But then again, I always have long talks with Katie. It kinda became a tradition of ours since you’ve been hospitalized. I almost always have a long talk with her before going to sleep.”
“In my bed” Reid added smirking. Reid couldn’t keep himself from laughing at Luke’s expression when he said that. His eyes were wider than ever, his cheeks were bright red and his mouth had formed a cute little ‘O’. “Don’t be so surprised Luke. Katie is my best friend after all. It’s her job to cheer me up. And if to do so she has to divulge something personal that she wasn’t told was a secret…”
“I just…I can’t believe she did that. Well, no actually I can believe it, I just can’t believe you know about that! That’s so embarrassing”
“Caring about me and needing to feel close to me so much that you sleep in my bed most of the week is embarrassing?”
“Well no…I’m not embarrassed I care enough to do that, I just…”
“You just what Luke?” Reid sighed. He was tired. He just didn’t have the energy or patience today to turn around the bush and go no where. Luke looked at Reid’s exasperated expression. This wasn’t going at all like he had planned. Damn it! Since when was it Luke who had a problem communicating?
“Look Reid” Luke started, taking Reid’s hands in his. “If…the reason I’m so mortified that you know this is…well…don’t…please don’t interrupt me or get angry about anything I’m gonna tell you okay.” Reid nodded sensing Luke’s desperate need for him to listen “If…When I was dating Noah, especially recently, if I had done that…it wouldn’t have been received the way you received it. When you told me you knew, you were all smug about it and flattered…that’s not how Noah would have reacted and I know you’re not him. Trust me I know you’re not him. But it’s…it’s a little like… you know those kids with divorced parents who don’t agree on the same rules? When they go to dad’s place, they might get punish because they did things that are forbidden at dad’s but allowed at mom’s. They know they’re not supposed to do it at their dad’s but they’re so used to it, that they do it anyway. Or they’re allowed certain things at dad’s but they don’t dare do them because they’re so used to those things being forbidden, you know what I mean?”
“Sure. Basically, you’re saying ‘old habits die hard’ but with a hell of a lot more words.” Luke laughed.
“Yeah, what I’m saying is exactly that. My definition of a relationship is what I had with Noah. Obviously, if you want to have a relationship with me, it will take me time to adjust, to learn how to act in a relationship with you. One of the things that you can expect at first is for me to tend to walk on eggshells. I’m…I’m used to being the one who messes things up, the one whose at fault…”
“Ok stop it right there.” Reid said in a hard voice. Luke looked at him with worried eyes. Had he messed things up already? “You do not mess things up and you are certainly not the one at fault. It takes two to tango Luke. Always. If there is a problem in any couple, then both parties are at fault at least to some extent. Well except maybe in cases of adultery, but even some of those aren’t really exceptions to this rule. Luke” Reid squeezed his companion’s hand harder and grabbed his chin to force eye contact “I may have not been there from the start of your relationship with Noah, but from what I’ve seen since I came here, I can tell you that you weren’t the one with the majority of the blame for things not working. You tried every single thing you could think of to save that relationship and the reason it didn’t work has nothing to do with you and everything to do with Mr. Mayer.”
“Maybe you’re right. But do you at least understand how I can think that I was at fault?” Luke asked with tears rising in his eyes.
“Oh yes. I totally get that. And if I wasn’t a mature adult, my fist would have had a very violent encounter with one Noah Mayer’s face a long time ago. But I am a mature adult and I was his doctor so unfortunately my beating some sense into your ex’s head will forever remain only a fantasy.” Luke laughed.
“You know, that’s one of the first things I noticed about you, Reid. The way you always seemed to cheer me up and make me forget my problems even if it was only because I was too focus on trying not to strangle you to think of anything else! I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting recently. I haven’t been acting like myself and with you, that doesn’t work because you know instantaneously that I’m faking and acting out of character. I’ve been…I’ve been feeling very unsure of where things go from now. I told you I love you…accidentally told you, but still…but love doesn’t necessary means dating and I’m….well I’m pretty sure you love me back, but I’m not 100% sure of what you want with me, if you want anything to do with me at all. I mean…we haven’t talked about what happened in the two months between my calling things off and you getting hospitalized.”
Suddenly, Reid’s face fell and became hard.
“I don’t want to talk about it” Reid said harshly. “There’s no need to anyway”
“Well that’s just too bad Reid Oliver, because I’m not leaving this room or stopping nagging you about it until you do talk about it. Me letting you act like a jerk and smiling about it, stops right here, right now. You wanted me to be myself and to stop treating you like you were fragile, well that’s what I’m doing so deal with it!”
“You have spent way too much time with Katie” Reid’s tone was neutral, but in a bad way. Luke didn’t like it at all. Reid had closed a wall on himself and that had to change. Luke wanted to start a serious relationship with Reid, and there was no way they could do that without Reid talking about those two awful months. If that meant pissing Reid off, then so be it. If Reid was hiding anger or resentment towards Luke and they didn’t clear the air now, then those feelings would fester with time and other circumstances and it would tear their relationship apart. Reid was much too precious to Luke to allow that.
“Yeah well I didn’t have a choice did I, Reid? I couldn’t handle you being in this bed, hooked up on those machines and IVs. Not alone. I needed someone to rely on and so did Katie. When I wasn’t able to cope then she would be there to support me and vice versa. So yeah, I spent a lot of time with Katie and I still do. Because it isn’t over. You haven’t talk about what happened and you need to. You don’t want to, I get that, but you need to Reid. So please, please talk to me. Or scream at me or anything else!”
The only answer Luke got was silence. Luke took a deep breath to calm himself down. “Alright. Let’s start with me shall we?” Reid ignored him. “On the day I called it quits, I gave you chances to tell me what was going on and you didn’t. You hid things from me and you took a decision that affected the both of us without consulting me. That made me angry. I really wanted to be with you Reid and you not consulting me, that hurt. But the truth is, I didn’t break things off because I was angry. I broke things off because I was scared.” Reid looked at Luke at that. His expression had morphed into one of curiosity and confusion.
“ I was scared Reid. Terrified actually. And those fears along with my promise never to be anyone’s doormat again, made me break up with you. You see, I’ve moved on from Noah but I haven’t moved on from the issues and the pain the relationship caused me. And because of that, I’m very insecure when it comes to romantic relationships. I’m so scared of losing you and having to live through that again, except this time it would be worse. You see, when you were in the coma, I…I had a discussion with you…well not with you but you know what I mean.” Reid nodded. “Do you want to know what I told you that night?”
“Yes” Reid whispered.
“I told you that when you kissed me the first time, I wanted to jump from joy. When you kiss me, I feel soooo much, I can’t believe it. I can’t describe it because I don’t know what it is. I’ve been in love, I’ve known lust and yet I can’t describe what I feel for you because it’s different and it’s more intense than anything. I loved Noah, Reid. I did. And my relationship with him…I suffered so much at times and the break-up was awful. I felt torn apart and the only reason it was bearable was because of you. Because I kept finding any excuse possible to talk to you. It was fun, trying to rile you up.” Luke laughed and Reid chuckled. He knew what Luke meant. He had enjoyed those days too, even if Luke did annoy the hell out of him. “My point is that, if what I feel for you is more intense than what I’ve ever felt with Noah when I haven’t even started dating you yet, then if I did date you and you broke things off…I didn’t think I could handle it. So when you didn’t talk to me about the ultimatum, my heart saw a perfect opportunity to save itself. I called it quits before I got hurt, over a stupid reason. And I felt like I had made the right choice…for like 3-4 days. After that, the only thing I felt was sad. I ate more ice-cream during those two months than I did my whole life. I also slept a lot more than I ever remember. Well for a while. After the first month, I was doubting my decision and missing you so much I had a lot of trouble falling asleep. It was hard on me too, to be separated from you, the only difference is that I had only myself to blame for my own pain and I ate a lot instead of starving myself like you did.”
“The opposite of our usual eating habits” Reid said.
“Reid. I know I hurt you a lot. And I understand that you may be angry or may simply not want to be in a relationship with me because of that…”
“Don’t say that!” Reid interrupted “That’s why I didn’t want to talk about this with you! Because I knew I’d see that guilty look on your face when I did and I didn’t want to see that. It wasn’t your fault! You didn’t force me to stop eating and sleeping. I did that on my own, just like I told Allison. I don’t want you to blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault.”
“Yes it was! I did this to you!” Luke screamed, tears falling from his eyes. He was almost sobbing.
“NO! Luke, look at me” Reid grabbed Luke’s face in both hands and brought it close to his “You are not responsible for how I reacted. Yes, I was hurt by the break up because I love you” Luke let out a sob. “but so were you because you love me too. This whole thing…it was a whole mess. We both suffered from it and we’re both partly to blame.”
“No you didn’t…”
“Go after you” Reid completed Luke’s sentence. “I didn’t go after you, I didn’t fight for you and that hurt you, that proved to you that you had been right to save yourself. Don’t tell me I’m wrong about that Luke, because we both know I’m right.”
“Yeah. You are.”
“So there, see? Something I’m to blame for. Takes two to tango Luke, remember?”
“Yeah, I remember” Luke answered calming down. “But it’s really hard to apply that rule and feel like I’m not the one to blame for the problems we have”
“Come here” Reid said, indicating for Luke to come sit beside him on the bed. Reid took Luke in his arms and kissed his forehead. He really, really wanted to punch Noah Mayer. Reid had known for months that Luke had issues with feeling guilty but he hadn’t thought he would have those issues with Reid too. He thought it was solely with Noah but apparently, Noah blaming Luke for his blindness had made more damage then he had thought. “You’ll just have to work on that. I don’t like my boyfriend feeling guilty about things, especially not things concerning me. I hate to say this because I am not a fan of talking but…talk to me ok? When something is wrong, when you’re angry or sad or guilty, tell me these things. Because you know I am kinda of oblivious at times, so if you’re angry that I forgot your birthday, chances are I won’t know that’s why you’re angry.”
“Boyfriend?” Luke asked “Does that mean we’re dating now?”
“Now? I thought we’d been dating since you tried to force me to eat horrible food and told me you loved me?” Reid joked. It had the intended effect; Luke started laughing.
“But seriously, talk to me ok? Or if you feel you can’t, talk to Katie. She’ll kick my butt for you”
“Same thing here. I know you’re not much of a talker, but try if something upsets you. And feel free to seek Katie on me too.”
“Oh I will Mr.Snyder. Just remember though that Katie is my best-friend.”
“Oh crap.” Luke said, eye widening at the thousands of scenarios going through his head as to what Katie Snyder could do to him if he didn’t treat her best-friend right.
“Although Katie and you seemed to have gotten a lot closer since I’ve been sick, so maybe I’m the one who should be worrying about what she could do to me. She does have some pretty good blackmail material on me after all”
“Really?” Luke asked grinning like the cat that ate the canary and its brother.
“Oh sh*t. I shouldn’t have said that” Luke laughed
“Don’t worry Reid. I won’t use Katie’s blackmail material.” Reid sighed in relief “I don’t need to. After all, I’m the one who blackmailed you into coming here in the first place. I’m more than capable enough to find my own material” Reid groaned at that, but Luke just laughed. “And the worst is, now that I have you Dr.Oliver, you’re stuck with me forever.”
“Forever?”
“I have an optimistic personality.”
Reid laughed. “Fine, let’s go with forever.”