NOTE: Don’t ever put this up your butt. I’m not kidding. It has no flange and you’ll end up some ER doc’s favorite cocktail party story.

whenever i go to the ER i'm both glad i'm not dying
but also sort of wish i was so i didn't feel like a pansy.

and that the diagnosis was as terrible as the feelings.

"I'm fabulous. I am your fantasy hire. Dream about me."

Don't let anyone tell you that losing interest in difficult tasks is always a sign of sloth or lack of character. It can also be your mind's way of stopping you from embarking on monumental but misguided tasks.

you are still the song i sing to myself when i'm alone

- are you the devil?
- no, i am just a cakey.

"every time you have sex you're ripping a petal off your rose." you can't have many petals left, hon.

maybe i'm like a dandelion?

it's the new phone service policy. the policy is FUCK YOU

The Lady of Shalott (#6,955)

I am a grad student in history. This year I totally want to go to the department party wearing a lab coat, a stethoscope, and one of those head thingies doctors wear.

Get it? I'M A REAL DOCTOR. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA then I can see how many of my colleagues punch me out.

But eventually you'll be able to dust yourself off, get back out there, and meet someone else, who will proceed to crush your heart in a whole new exciting way.