You are not alone. I feel the same sense of disconnection whenever I think about my previous job and the colleagues/friends I worked with. It's like I never shared anything special with them in spite of the 8 years I spent in that office, talking to them and living with them for longer hours than I did with my family.
I guess it's just life bringing us onwards and making us forget about the past, because it's our future we should focus on instead. That's what pictures and journals are for: to help us remember that we were that particular person in that particular place at that particular time. Everyone changes and evolves in time, but we hardly ever realise that such a process is happening to us, too.
Possibly part of this is from focusing on your inner emotional state and feeling like you should have certain feelings about it all? I think there's a lot of pressure on middle-class white people to have certain feelings about the whole Go Out Into A New Culture experience, and for individuals, it's never going to completely match up. Sometimes it's not going to match up at all.
And that's okay. You don't owe anyone a specific set of feelings. You went, you had your experiences, you did some real good out there, and you can just let that fit into your life however it does. How you feel will probably change over time, and you'll look back and see a kind of connection there that works for you.
Though I am ostensibly middle class now --- I don't exactly come from a middle class background (I'm the first of my family to go to Uni, we never had much money when I was growing up) --- and it's funny how our own hang-ups and prejudices can get the better of us, because my immediate reaction to your comment was "I'm not middle class!" Well, I am. I know I am. You sort of can't get more middle class than a teacher (a doctor? and aren't they even more upper-middle?) And even if I weren't, I'm certainly white and straight, so I have oodles of privilege regardless
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Yeah, it's really interesting how words like "middle-class" and "privileged" can be perfectly accurate descriptors, but seem like insults. I think it's because they're so often used to describe negative things that it's hard to hear them any other way. (For the record, I'm white, American, upper-middle class, and extremely privileged in a number of ways.)
A lot of people have actually said they prefer your sort of "I'm a person, ooh, this looks interesting and useful, may as well stay around and keep it up" attitude towards the more mission-focused type. (I have an emotional tendency to get drawn into "I shall go forth and Do Good!" so my natural inclination is to defend it, but it's definitely something that can often cross the line into icky White Savior territory.)
It sounds like the whole experience did have an impact on your life, but one that doesn't exactly fit the conventional narrative of how these things are supposed to go, and that may be part of the reason why you're having trouble
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Try not to worry about it, petal. The important thing is that you did it and it has become a part of who you are now, even if you're not conscious of it.
We're all just wired in very different ways. Overall, my memory is much better than MG's -- there are reasons why no one wants to play Trivial Pursuit with me -- but when it comes to these sort of life memories he's much better at it than I am. For instance, MG can tell you the names of all his primary school teachers, who his classmates were and regale you with endless anecdotes.I just don't connect to my past the way he does. My memories of my own past come out much more fragmented and yes, that includes my more recent past.
Thanks. I guess it's just that the APY lands are largely ignored by so many, it doesn't seem fair that I should ignore it too, even if it's unintentional (especially because it's unintentional.)
I don't know that this is all that surprising, though? Your life has undergone a sea-change. Everything has changed: your job, your students, your home, your social circle, your responsibilities, even the landscape you're in. All sorts of major AND minor things. You can have a drink now, for God's sake, without thinking twice about it. That one 'little' change alone speaks volumes.
Whenever I've made huge changes in my life, it's been exactly like shedding a skin... a much-loved skin, perhaps, but like you I've felt this strange sense of unreality afterwards. Maybe it's a kind of emotional cognitive dissonance.
I guess I'm saying that the sheer scope of change in your life, the fact it's overwhelming, may have made it easier for you to adjust? And that you shouldn't give yourself a hard time about it? Not to mention that you kinda had to hit the ground running when you returned to Adelaide, and when you're absorbed in getting ready for/getting into a challenging new job, or buying your first house, other concerns have a way of
( ... )
It's good to know this seems to be true for everyone, though. And I think you have a point about the scope and scale of the change helping the transformation.
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I guess it's just life bringing us onwards and making us forget about the past, because it's our future we should focus on instead. That's what pictures and journals are for: to help us remember that we were that particular person in that particular place at that particular time. Everyone changes and evolves in time, but we hardly ever realise that such a process is happening to us, too.
*hugs*
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It's a strange, bittersweet sensation, isn't it?
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And that's okay. You don't owe anyone a specific set of feelings. You went, you had your experiences, you did some real good out there, and you can just let that fit into your life however it does. How you feel will probably change over time, and you'll look back and see a kind of connection there that works for you.
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A lot of people have actually said they prefer your sort of "I'm a person, ooh, this looks interesting and useful, may as well stay around and keep it up" attitude towards the more mission-focused type. (I have an emotional tendency to get drawn into "I shall go forth and Do Good!" so my natural inclination is to defend it, but it's definitely something that can often cross the line into icky White Savior territory.)
It sounds like the whole experience did have an impact on your life, but one that doesn't exactly fit the conventional narrative of how these things are supposed to go, and that may be part of the reason why you're having trouble ( ... )
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Try not to worry about it, petal. The important thing is that you did it and it has become a part of who you are now, even if you're not conscious of it.
We're all just wired in very different ways. Overall, my memory is much better than MG's -- there are reasons why no one wants to play Trivial Pursuit with me -- but when it comes to these sort of life memories he's much better at it than I am. For instance, MG can tell you the names of all his primary school teachers, who his classmates were and regale you with endless anecdotes.I just don't connect to my past the way he does. My memories of my own past come out much more fragmented and yes, that includes my more recent past.
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Thanks. I guess it's just that the APY lands are largely ignored by so many, it doesn't seem fair that I should ignore it too, even if it's unintentional (especially because it's unintentional.)
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Whenever I've made huge changes in my life, it's been exactly like shedding a skin... a much-loved skin, perhaps, but like you I've felt this strange sense of unreality afterwards. Maybe it's a kind of emotional cognitive dissonance.
I guess I'm saying that the sheer scope of change in your life, the fact it's overwhelming, may have made it easier for you to adjust? And that you shouldn't give yourself a hard time about it? Not to mention that you kinda had to hit the ground running when you returned to Adelaide, and when you're absorbed in getting ready for/getting into a challenging new job, or buying your first house, other concerns have a way of ( ... )
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It's good to know this seems to be true for everyone, though. And I think you have a point about the scope and scale of the change helping the transformation.
Thank you ♥
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