Though I am ostensibly middle class now --- I don't exactly come from a middle class background (I'm the first of my family to go to Uni, we never had much money when I was growing up) --- and it's funny how our own hang-ups and prejudices can get the better of us, because my immediate reaction to your comment was "I'm not middle class!" Well, I am. I know I am. You sort of can't get more middle class than a teacher (a doctor? and aren't they even more upper-middle?) And even if I weren't, I'm certainly white and straight, so I have oodles of privilege regardless.
But I will also say that teaching on the Lands wasn't actually a conscious "I shall go out into a new culture" kind of experience for me. It was a happy accident that ended up meaning a hell of a lot (just not enough, apparently, that I can't view it as someone else's 'hell of a lot' on occasion.) I never seriously entertained the thoughts that I could change the world, or that I was a saviour. It wasn't a mission for me. It was 'I'm here, I'm one of the few who want to be here, I might as well do my best, I might as well stay longer than the average bear'. Although I have thoughts on society's ingrained prejudices/imbalances and social justice and I will always want what's best for those kids, for me it was never about 'I'm going to go experience this and do good works'. It just wasn't. I found myself teaching in a far off land and decided to stay longer. And it's hard to articulate, because it was certainly an experience, but it wasn't premeditated?
(I don't know why I am arguing the semantics here. I think this is part of the reason I'm feeling this way. Because there are people who go up to the Lands for a year who either only go for the money, or for 'the experience', or because they feel they have a mission due to their belief in social justice and/or God, and that was never really me. I guess it's this horrible selfishness I have where that awful inner voice of mine is asking shouldn't this mean more? you never had an ulterior motive, you just went to live your life. My brain's pretty fucked up. Not least because someone's reasons for going to the Lands doesn't invalidate their connection. ETA: and maybe it's because I just went to live my life that I continue to just do so, you know?)
Yeah, it's really interesting how words like "middle-class" and "privileged" can be perfectly accurate descriptors, but seem like insults. I think it's because they're so often used to describe negative things that it's hard to hear them any other way. (For the record, I'm white, American, upper-middle class, and extremely privileged in a number of ways.)
A lot of people have actually said they prefer your sort of "I'm a person, ooh, this looks interesting and useful, may as well stay around and keep it up" attitude towards the more mission-focused type. (I have an emotional tendency to get drawn into "I shall go forth and Do Good!" so my natural inclination is to defend it, but it's definitely something that can often cross the line into icky White Savior territory.)
It sounds like the whole experience did have an impact on your life, but one that doesn't exactly fit the conventional narrative of how these things are supposed to go, and that may be part of the reason why you're having trouble.
I did the Peace Corps with an eye towards going forth doing good and noble stuff, and it mostly ended up being just living. There was a lot of time spent sitting through boring staff meetings, going out drinking with friends, popping into the nearest city for pizza and a movie, and doing stuff that would never make the Noble Overseas Mission montage. And when I came home, I'd learned some new things, but I hadn't undergone any kind of radical transformation. I think that's how things end up for most people.
But I will also say that teaching on the Lands wasn't actually a conscious "I shall go out into a new culture" kind of experience for me. It was a happy accident that ended up meaning a hell of a lot (just not enough, apparently, that I can't view it as someone else's 'hell of a lot' on occasion.) I never seriously entertained the thoughts that I could change the world, or that I was a saviour. It wasn't a mission for me. It was 'I'm here, I'm one of the few who want to be here, I might as well do my best, I might as well stay longer than the average bear'. Although I have thoughts on society's ingrained prejudices/imbalances and social justice and I will always want what's best for those kids, for me it was never about 'I'm going to go experience this and do good works'. It just wasn't. I found myself teaching in a far off land and decided to stay longer. And it's hard to articulate, because it was certainly an experience, but it wasn't premeditated?
(I don't know why I am arguing the semantics here. I think this is part of the reason I'm feeling this way. Because there are people who go up to the Lands for a year who either only go for the money, or for 'the experience', or because they feel they have a mission due to their belief in social justice and/or God, and that was never really me. I guess it's this horrible selfishness I have where that awful inner voice of mine is asking shouldn't this mean more? you never had an ulterior motive, you just went to live your life. My brain's pretty fucked up. Not least because someone's reasons for going to the Lands doesn't invalidate their connection. ETA: and maybe it's because I just went to live my life that I continue to just do so, you know?)
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A lot of people have actually said they prefer your sort of "I'm a person, ooh, this looks interesting and useful, may as well stay around and keep it up" attitude towards the more mission-focused type. (I have an emotional tendency to get drawn into "I shall go forth and Do Good!" so my natural inclination is to defend it, but it's definitely something that can often cross the line into icky White Savior territory.)
It sounds like the whole experience did have an impact on your life, but one that doesn't exactly fit the conventional narrative of how these things are supposed to go, and that may be part of the reason why you're having trouble.
I did the Peace Corps with an eye towards going forth doing good and noble stuff, and it mostly ended up being just living. There was a lot of time spent sitting through boring staff meetings, going out drinking with friends, popping into the nearest city for pizza and a movie, and doing stuff that would never make the Noble Overseas Mission montage. And when I came home, I'd learned some new things, but I hadn't undergone any kind of radical transformation. I think that's how things end up for most people.
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