Big Bang 2009 Soundtrack Liner Notes
Music has always been a shot in the arm to inspire me and give me ideas and get me to thinking. Towards the latter part of April, the writing wasn't going very well, and I was desperate, so I put my Ipod on shuffle and took notes of everything that sounded good. Some of those made the cut, others didn't.
I also had stumbled upon the works of Joshua Radin, while listening to a song called "Someone Else's Life." To me it spoke perfectly of Dean's sense of finding Sam to be the only constant in his life worth remembering. I fell in love with Mr. Radin's music and listened to it a LOT, along with a collection of really cool songs.
You can download the fanmix and covers at ayan-deus's live journal, where she has kindly uploaded the entire thing.
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
This is a classic song about what it feels like to be insane. When I hear this one, I think of Dean, waking up in the games room, not quite knowing where he is, and not caring so very much, either.
"You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what youre sayin."
Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
This is my very favorite Pink Floyd song ever, mostly because of the evocative comparisons between listening to your heart and selling out to the MAN! It is from this song that the story gets it's name, with a little play on words to be in keeping with the theme.
"So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here."
Life on the Moon - Brian Cook
I didn't know Brian Cook was an American Idol winner, but when I heard this song, I fell in love with it. It talks about Dean becoming disenchanted with the mental insitution, not that he was actually ever enchanted, but you know what I mean. It also has echoes of Dean dealing with Sam and giving him what he wants, letting him be who he needs to be. On my way back from my roadtrip to visit some of the places mentioned in the story, I passed through Blue Springs, which is his home town. Serendipity!
"Here are my terms, have some faith in me
And I'll let you be who you need to be"
If You're Not the One - Daniel Bedingfield
Sam, sweet Sam. So in love with Dean, and not understanding why Dean turns away. I love the theme of wanting to just stay with someone, though Sam's fears of being left are soon realized.
"I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?"
Come On Get Higher - Matt Nathanson
There's something so hot about being mezmerized by the way someone moves, but they don't know you're watching. I especially like the line about being pulled down hard, which is one thing that Dean needs to keep him balanced. (Or, if you're Randy, having your pants pulled down hard keeps you balanced.)
"So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love"
On Fire - Switchfoot
I thought of this as Dean's love song to Sam, deep inside, where he knows he loves him but can't quite admit it yet.
"Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take"
Someone Else's Life - Joshua Radin
This was the song that caught me harder than anything. The tune is bouncy, but melancholy at the same time, and I see it as Dean's perspective on the whole situation, and Sam is the only thing that matters to him.
"'Cause then came you
Then there's you
I keep you picture in my worn through shoes
When I'm lost
in your eyes
I see the way for me"
Far Away - Nickleback
I always associate this song with someone coming to the point when nothing else matters but the person they love and the regret that they feel at having taken so long. I see this as coming from Dean's pov, and him feeling that he kept messing around and pulling back, when really, all he needed to do was love Sam.
"This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait"
Figured You Out - Nickleback
This is such a gritty, might-be-having-dirty-sex song, and it might express Dean and Sam rolling in the sheets, and not, at that moment, really caring whether it's right or wrong.
"I love your pants around your feet
And I love the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favorite damn disease"
Underneath Your Clothes - Shakira
I like to think this song expresses either boy thinking about the other one naked. I can't say it any plainer than that.
"Because of you
I forgot the smart ways to lie
Because of you
I'm running out of reasons to cry
When the friends are gone
When the party's over
We will still belong to each other"
Take Me With You - VAST
This song is Sam, just wanting to be with Dean, being willing to go with Dean, no matter what. I always figured it took a lot of courage for Sam to follow Dean out that window. (Song source by yukisherry.)
"In a palace by the sea
I will save you
If you save me
Take me with you
Take me with you
Wherever you will go
I will go there with you
And I will love you"
Hero - Enrique Iglesias
There's something very mutual about the way Sam and Dean constantly look out for each other.
"Would you dance if I asked you to dance?
Would you run and never look back
Would you cry if you saw me crying
Would you save my soul tonight?"
Today - Joshua Radin
Every time I heard this song, I kept thinking I was on a train, because it had a clackity clack back and forth rhytym. Then, I really listened to the lyrics, and realized it was on purpose. Of course! It was a brilliant way to reflect the scene on the train, where Dean goes down on his knees for Sam.
"Shoelaces untied
You can dry your eyes
Perfect shadows alive
Behind us
This is the day i make you mine"
This is Me - Girlyman
I owe this song in toto to Dira Surdis, who included it on her MP soundtrack. The lyrics are beautiful and the melody absolutely haunting. I think she used it to express the roadtrip that Charlie and Don took, and I include it here for the same reason. Except...Sam and Dean's roadtrip occurs with each of them on their own. Until they get together, of course!
"This is me
All that I am
You will see
For many days I've woken with head pains, my eyes ablaze
You never knew because I never told you"
Absence of Fear - Jewell
I have a love/hate relationship with Jewel, mostly because when I broke up with my boyfriend in college, I remember listening to Jewel and bawling my eyes out. This song, a beautiful little gem, gives me the courage to listen to Jewel again. I love the theme of gravity (which is Dean's need) and the idea that Sam worships Dean (which Dean also needs).
"There is this hunger
This restlessness inside of me
And it knows that you're no stranger
You're my gravity
My hands will adore you through all darkness aim
They will lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name
For I am wanting you
And I am needing you here
I need you near
Inside the absence of fear"
What If You - Joshua Radin
It was on a drive to lunch that I really listened to these lyrics back in January, and the whole end of the story came to me, that Dean would decide to leave, but would leave a note behind.
"So, for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you"
Freebird - Lynard Skynard
Who doesn't like a little FREEBIRD!!!! But seriously, this is the ultimate song about a man leaving, wanting to be on the road. In other words, Dean.
"If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now,
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see."
Flying By Your Window - Jason Myles Goss
At first, I didn't know who this song represented. My leaning was towards Dean, because he is the older brother, the protector, since he's the one who left, then he would be the one looking out for Sam, in spirit. But...the way the story turned out, Sam does as much looking out for Dean as the other way around. So.
"And I'll keep you safe, watching over you
And I'll keep you safe, watching from above
And I miss you, I see you turning off your bedroom light."
Konstantine - Something Corporate
This is another of Dira's picks for her soundtrack, and I fell in love with the bursting-heart angst and emo spilling out of this ballad. I don't know if it fits my story exactly, but I'm including it here as my homage to Dira, and to Charlie and Don.
"and then you bring me home
and we go to sleep
but this time not alone"
Winter - Joshua Radin
Guess you thought I was kidding about being obsessed with Joshua, eh? I hear this song and I think of the way Sam can't remember Dean at all, he thinks his brother is dead, and he doesn't know that the man standing in front of him is Dean. It helped me develop the idea of the voices in Sam's head, the people he keeps hearing talking to him, are Dad and Dean.
"The walk has all been cleared by now
Your voice is all I hear somehow
Calling out winter
Your voice is the splinter inside me
While I wait"
Nothing Else Matters - Metallica
Had to have a Metallica song, had to. I asked a coworker, who seemed to be into that sort of music, if he had anything for me. He was totally shocked, and yeah, he had tons. He said he played this one at his wedding as a tribute to his friends, who had come to share the day with him and his new bride. (He was also shocked to find me listening to Prison Sex by Tool, but that's another story.) Naturally, it expresses the trust Sam has in Dean, but also, the other way around - Dean learns to trust in Sam's acceptance of their new relationship. (Metallica has some surprisingly beautiful melodies.)
"Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters."
Blue Skies From Rain Master Fic Post
Complicated Author's Notes
I also had stumbled upon the works of Joshua Radin, while listening to a song called "Someone Else's Life." To me it spoke perfectly of Dean's sense of finding Sam to be the only constant in his life worth remembering. I fell in love with Mr. Radin's music and listened to it a LOT, along with a collection of really cool songs.
You can download the fanmix and covers at ayan-deus's live journal, where she has kindly uploaded the entire thing.
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
This is a classic song about what it feels like to be insane. When I hear this one, I think of Dean, waking up in the games room, not quite knowing where he is, and not caring so very much, either.
"You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what youre sayin."
Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
This is my very favorite Pink Floyd song ever, mostly because of the evocative comparisons between listening to your heart and selling out to the MAN! It is from this song that the story gets it's name, with a little play on words to be in keeping with the theme.
"So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here."
Life on the Moon - Brian Cook
I didn't know Brian Cook was an American Idol winner, but when I heard this song, I fell in love with it. It talks about Dean becoming disenchanted with the mental insitution, not that he was actually ever enchanted, but you know what I mean. It also has echoes of Dean dealing with Sam and giving him what he wants, letting him be who he needs to be. On my way back from my roadtrip to visit some of the places mentioned in the story, I passed through Blue Springs, which is his home town. Serendipity!
"Here are my terms, have some faith in me
And I'll let you be who you need to be"
If You're Not the One - Daniel Bedingfield
Sam, sweet Sam. So in love with Dean, and not understanding why Dean turns away. I love the theme of wanting to just stay with someone, though Sam's fears of being left are soon realized.
"I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?"
Come On Get Higher - Matt Nathanson
There's something so hot about being mezmerized by the way someone moves, but they don't know you're watching. I especially like the line about being pulled down hard, which is one thing that Dean needs to keep him balanced. (Or, if you're Randy, having your pants pulled down hard keeps you balanced.)
"So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love"
On Fire - Switchfoot
I thought of this as Dean's love song to Sam, deep inside, where he knows he loves him but can't quite admit it yet.
"Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take"
Someone Else's Life - Joshua Radin
This was the song that caught me harder than anything. The tune is bouncy, but melancholy at the same time, and I see it as Dean's perspective on the whole situation, and Sam is the only thing that matters to him.
"'Cause then came you
Then there's you
I keep you picture in my worn through shoes
When I'm lost
in your eyes
I see the way for me"
Far Away - Nickleback
I always associate this song with someone coming to the point when nothing else matters but the person they love and the regret that they feel at having taken so long. I see this as coming from Dean's pov, and him feeling that he kept messing around and pulling back, when really, all he needed to do was love Sam.
"This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait"
Figured You Out - Nickleback
This is such a gritty, might-be-having-dirty-sex song, and it might express Dean and Sam rolling in the sheets, and not, at that moment, really caring whether it's right or wrong.
"I love your pants around your feet
And I love the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favorite damn disease"
Underneath Your Clothes - Shakira
I like to think this song expresses either boy thinking about the other one naked. I can't say it any plainer than that.
"Because of you
I forgot the smart ways to lie
Because of you
I'm running out of reasons to cry
When the friends are gone
When the party's over
We will still belong to each other"
Take Me With You - VAST
This song is Sam, just wanting to be with Dean, being willing to go with Dean, no matter what. I always figured it took a lot of courage for Sam to follow Dean out that window. (Song source by yukisherry.)
"In a palace by the sea
I will save you
If you save me
Take me with you
Take me with you
Wherever you will go
I will go there with you
And I will love you"
Hero - Enrique Iglesias
There's something very mutual about the way Sam and Dean constantly look out for each other.
"Would you dance if I asked you to dance?
Would you run and never look back
Would you cry if you saw me crying
Would you save my soul tonight?"
Today - Joshua Radin
Every time I heard this song, I kept thinking I was on a train, because it had a clackity clack back and forth rhytym. Then, I really listened to the lyrics, and realized it was on purpose. Of course! It was a brilliant way to reflect the scene on the train, where Dean goes down on his knees for Sam.
"Shoelaces untied
You can dry your eyes
Perfect shadows alive
Behind us
This is the day i make you mine"
This is Me - Girlyman
I owe this song in toto to Dira Surdis, who included it on her MP soundtrack. The lyrics are beautiful and the melody absolutely haunting. I think she used it to express the roadtrip that Charlie and Don took, and I include it here for the same reason. Except...Sam and Dean's roadtrip occurs with each of them on their own. Until they get together, of course!
"This is me
All that I am
You will see
For many days I've woken with head pains, my eyes ablaze
You never knew because I never told you"
Absence of Fear - Jewell
I have a love/hate relationship with Jewel, mostly because when I broke up with my boyfriend in college, I remember listening to Jewel and bawling my eyes out. This song, a beautiful little gem, gives me the courage to listen to Jewel again. I love the theme of gravity (which is Dean's need) and the idea that Sam worships Dean (which Dean also needs).
"There is this hunger
This restlessness inside of me
And it knows that you're no stranger
You're my gravity
My hands will adore you through all darkness aim
They will lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name
For I am wanting you
And I am needing you here
I need you near
Inside the absence of fear"
What If You - Joshua Radin
It was on a drive to lunch that I really listened to these lyrics back in January, and the whole end of the story came to me, that Dean would decide to leave, but would leave a note behind.
"So, for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you"
Freebird - Lynard Skynard
Who doesn't like a little FREEBIRD!!!! But seriously, this is the ultimate song about a man leaving, wanting to be on the road. In other words, Dean.
"If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now,
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see."
Flying By Your Window - Jason Myles Goss
At first, I didn't know who this song represented. My leaning was towards Dean, because he is the older brother, the protector, since he's the one who left, then he would be the one looking out for Sam, in spirit. But...the way the story turned out, Sam does as much looking out for Dean as the other way around. So.
"And I'll keep you safe, watching over you
And I'll keep you safe, watching from above
And I miss you, I see you turning off your bedroom light."
Konstantine - Something Corporate
This is another of Dira's picks for her soundtrack, and I fell in love with the bursting-heart angst and emo spilling out of this ballad. I don't know if it fits my story exactly, but I'm including it here as my homage to Dira, and to Charlie and Don.
"and then you bring me home
and we go to sleep
but this time not alone"
Winter - Joshua Radin
Guess you thought I was kidding about being obsessed with Joshua, eh? I hear this song and I think of the way Sam can't remember Dean at all, he thinks his brother is dead, and he doesn't know that the man standing in front of him is Dean. It helped me develop the idea of the voices in Sam's head, the people he keeps hearing talking to him, are Dad and Dean.
"The walk has all been cleared by now
Your voice is all I hear somehow
Calling out winter
Your voice is the splinter inside me
While I wait"
Nothing Else Matters - Metallica
Had to have a Metallica song, had to. I asked a coworker, who seemed to be into that sort of music, if he had anything for me. He was totally shocked, and yeah, he had tons. He said he played this one at his wedding as a tribute to his friends, who had come to share the day with him and his new bride. (He was also shocked to find me listening to Prison Sex by Tool, but that's another story.) Naturally, it expresses the trust Sam has in Dean, but also, the other way around - Dean learns to trust in Sam's acceptance of their new relationship. (Metallica has some surprisingly beautiful melodies.)
"Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters."
Blue Skies From Rain Master Fic Post
Complicated Author's Notes