At My Most Beautiful (11/?) - (Morgana/Morgause)
Title: At My Most Beautiful (11/?)
Fandom: Merlin
Characters/Pairings: Morgana/Morgause
Rating: R
Word Count: ~3,600 for this part
Series Summary:In a world where things were ever so slightly different, Camelot had a young and beautiful Queen. A beautiful Queen, who was married to a cold and aging King. AU
Chapter Summary: Morgana learns more about her aunt and fights to keep Morgause.
Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin, this is purely for entertainment purposes.
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 |Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 |
Morgana couldn't say how much time passed whilst she sobbed on the floor. Time had a funny habit of playing tricks on her when she wasn't keeping an eye on it. She used to wonder when she was a child if time would stop when she died. Time would stop for her. Why shouldn't it for everyone else? When she got older she realised that was selfish and instead wondered if time really was a constant forward flowing thing or if it was a bit more like honey. It flowed fast when things were warm and good but far too slow when the bitter pain and cold set in. Now it ran over her skin thicker and slower than ever, the stream of her tears doing nothing to thin it. So unbearable did it become that she felt sure she would drown in the stagnant pool of time that was clung around her. For hours she wallowed there, falling deeper and deeper until a hand reached out and pulled her free, into the steady flow of reality. The sun hadn't moved in the sky.
"Morgana?"
She looked up at her aunt's blurry face, seeing her mouth form the words long before the sound reached her ears.
"Morgana, what's wrong?" Eloise asked, holding Morgana at arm's length and frowning at her in concern - no, fear. Morgana couldn't blame her. Queens didn't cry at a few harsh words. They had no lovers to be scorned by. Whatever was making her weep must be a truly terrible thing. And it was, to Morgana it was. For the first time in her life she had been in love and it was truly what dreams were made of. Now she had nothing.
She opened her mouth to spill her pain but no words came out. She couldn't tell Eloise. What she had done with Morgause was treason and they would both lose their heads for it if it got out, whether she was carrying Uther's child or not.
"One of the guards to your tower told me that Morgause has left the Keep for the tavern in a fury and now I find you sobbing your heart out on the floor. I am sick but not blind, Morgana. Something has happened."
Fear must have flickered over Morgana's face, for Eloise looked upon her with pity. She was shaking, she knew, but her tears had stopped.
"You can tell me. I am your family, Morgana. There is nothing that you could say that would change that. Trust me," Eloise implored.
"I - I'm with child," Morgana murmured so quietly that the gentle sound of the sea and the coastal breeze was nearly enough to swallow it up.
Eloise's worry softened and she took Morgana's hands in hers. "I thought this is what you wanted."
Morgana nodded and then shook her head. She didn't know what she wanted, except Morgause, and now she was gone. She was too young to have a child. Many her age had more than one by now but Morgana still felt her childish urges as strong as she ever did. She was barely twenty, but sometimes she felt as young as sixteen, back when she would giggle as she clashed swords with Gwen in a clearing just outside the city walls. Her want for a child had been selfish. She hadn't really wanted a babe at all. What she had wanted was peace from her husband's rigorous demands. But now it was in her, now she could lay her hand on her stomach and imagine another life flourishing there, one that needed her for everything. It made her dizzy with something a lot like happiness and fear combined - something that only Morgause had ever felt before.
"It is," she said finally.
"But it isn't what Morgause wants?"
Morgana's head snapped up and she stared at Eloise, her eyes wide with fear and her mouth open, a breath caught between her lips.
"Don't be afraid. Your secret is safe with me," Eloise assured her, her thumbs rubbing soothing circles on the backs of Morgana's hands. "I understand, Morgana. Do you hear what I'm saying? I understand."
A charge ran over Morgana's skin like wildfire. She had never acknowledged it before, never given herself time to think out it, much less believe that there were others. Morgause had been with women before, she knew that, but she didn't really know it. She had never thought about it in a way that meant that those women too must have been like her, like Morgause. Tales surfaced in castle gossip every now and again but they were about men, never women. "How..."
"Do you remember Lily Floriette, my handmaiden? You can't have been more than nine years old the last time you saw her, so you probably don't-"
"I remember her," Morgana cut in, an image of the kindly woman flaring in her mind. "She had dark red hair and she made me a dress once with a ship on it."
Eloise smiled. The memory was a happy one but sad too, wistful, longing. "She died not long after she made that dress. It was a swift illness. It struck in the night and by evenfall the next day she was gone." She shed no tears. Time and age had dulled the pain to an ever present ache. They had been together for 30 years, a long time to create happy memories that brought her solace now. The hurt would never stop, but she had learnt to bear it as she had learnt to bear her illnesses. "Your father came for her funeral. We never talked about it but he knew how much she meant to me."
"He did?" Morgana asked cautiously. She worried constantly that she was displeasing her father in what she was doing. He had been a great friend of Uther's. He had sworn his family's swords to Camelot and ridden beside Uther at the battle of Illhelm. If her father's allegiance lay with her husband, then betraying him surely meant betraying her father as well. Then her mind conjured up another bit of history. It had been Morgause's father who had saved both Gorlois' and Uther's lives during that battle. The act had earned him his knighthood and given Morgause hers too.
"He did," Eloise nodded. "And he would have been happy that you've found someone who loves you. Morgause is a Wilde, she is fine and brave. Your father owed his life to her father. He would approve, I know he would. He was a good man, Morgana, the best I ever knew. That goodness is in you," Eloise said softly. She brought her hand up to trace the line of Morgana's jaw. "That, and his pride. You hold it here when you lift your chin, telling the whole world that you are the Queen and have an army's worth of strength behind you. I wish he could see you now. You've grown into such a beautiful and intelligent woman. Wherever he is, Morgana, he is as proud of you as I am." She brushed back Morgana's tear damp hair. "Now, tell me what happened with Morgause. It can't be all that bad."
Fresh salty droplets spilled from Morgana's eyes. "She's gone," she said. It came out as a choked cry. "She's left me." The words stung her heart like a spear slicing through it. To say it aloud made it true. It made it real.
"Because of the babe?"
Morgana nodded. She couldn't breathe. "She hurt me."
Eloise's eyes hardened. "She hit you?"
"No!" Morgana said quickly, almost angrily. She remembered the anger in Morgause's eyes when she saw the marks Uther left on her skin and the tenderness of her wary touch. "No. She wouldn't, no matter what!"
"Alright, alright. I'm sorry, go on," Eloise apologised.
Morgana swallowed. "She said that everyone thought that... They thought I couldn't have a babe, that I wasn't capable. Morgause said that she had thought that too and that was why she had never worried about it. She said that she couldn't be with me now that there was part of Uther in me. She looked at me with such... disgust. I've never felt worth more in my life than when she looks at me and in one swoop she tore that all to pieces. She hates me for being with child, I know she does!"
Pulling her close, Eloise wrapped her in a tight hug. "Shhh. Hush, Morgana. I know it seems that way now and I know that what she said hurt you, but if she loves you then she will take it back. What she did was wrong, very wrong, but you have to understand why this hurts her so. Living and loving the way that we do, Morgana, is complicated. Morgause has just learnt that the hard way. She knows that you want a babe and that she can never give you one. Think about how hard that must be. She loves you so fiercely - I could see that from the moment I saw you together - and she must hate him more than anything. He has things that she can never compete with. He has given you a babe and now she's scared that she'll lose you to him. She doesn't know where she'll fit in this new life you'll have."
"With me!" Morgana cried. "She fits exactly where she does now!"
"I know that, but she doesn't. She feels like she has lost you. When you become a mother, you will be beholden to your child. He or she will be your purpose in life. Morgause fears that you will cast her aside. She's jealous and afraid, that is why she is angry."
Morgana sniffled, her heart beating loud in her ears. "How do you know that?"
"Lily had a son," Eloise said simply, inviting no hope of elaboration. "So trust me when I say that I know how she feels. If you want her, Morgana, you will have to prove to her that you love her and that it won't change. If she's anything like me, she won't be able to give you up, not for anything, let alone this. She will calm down and then... then the hard bit starts."
Though it was only early afternoon when Eloise left, Morgana retired to bed. She covered herself with the blankets and curled up around Morgause's pillow, breathing in the scent of her like it was life itself. She thought about what Eloise had said as she drifted off to sleep, crying silently, praying that her aunt was right and that Morgause would return. She dreamt that she was in Morgause's arms, safe and loved, and for a while at least that gave her peace.
Hours later, the crack of the heavy door to her chambers being shut jerked Morgana awake. It was the dead of night and her knight had returned - her gold turned silver by the moonlight. She stood unmoving by the closed doorway, her hands stuffed in her pockets and her back hunched. The shadows of the white room hid most of her, but those beautiful curls were unmistakable. Morgana had run her hands through them what felt like a hundred timed in the little over a week they had been together. They were soft as any silk and shinier than any than any gold.
"Morgause?" Morgana called out, unsure if she was still dreaming.
"I did not mean to wake you. I should not have left you unguarded. I apologise." Morgause's voice was flat and emotionless, like she had been drained of the passion that usually flowed there. Morgana had never heard her sound so detected and it scared her. "I will sleep on the pallet."
"No!" Morgana called out quickly, sitting forward. "Please, I want to talk."
Morgause sighed, but as ever, she obeyed her Queen. As she moved closer, walking wide around the bath they had shared, the light of the moon caught her face and showed Morgana an emotion that she never thought she would see there - defeat.
"Sit down?" Morgana asked, making sure that Morgause could tell it was a request, not an order.
Morgause sat at the far end of the bed, closest to the door, and slowly lifted her head to look at Morgana.
"Where have you been?" Morgana asked tentatively. "The tavern?"
"Yes. But I'm not drunk, if that's what you think."
"No, that isn't - I did not mean that," Morgana said, shaking her head. "One of the guards saw you."
"I'm sorry for shouting at you. And for what I said. It was deeply wrong of me," Morgause said, not meeting Morgana's eye.
"Thank you. But I think that I understand why you are upset."
Morgause scoffed. "Really?"
"Yes, really. Do you think this is what I want, Morgause? Yes, I want a child but not like this. Do you have any idea what I would give for this babe to be yours?" She crawled forward so that she could lay her hand on Morgause's arm.
"It isn't though," Morgause said coldly.
"He could be. If you wanted him to be, that is. Not by blood, I know, but by something far stronger: love. The way I see it, he has to love you. He has been inside me all this time whilst I have loved you, felt everything that I feel. If you stay with me then he'll know the sound of your voice, the press of your hand against my stomach, the quickening of my heart when you look at me. That has to mean something, doesn't it? My heart belongs to you and he knows it, I know he does," Morgana said pleadingly. She took Morgause's hand and pressed it to her stomach. "He's so small now but he will grow big and strong knowing how much I love you and, I hope, how much you love us too."
Morgause looked down at her hand on Morgana's stomach. "I don't know if I can," she said honestly. "If it was anyone's but Uther's..."
"Uther is my husband," Morgana said carefully. "He put this babe in me and there will probably be more. I cannot change that and I cannot pretend that it isn't so." Morgause pulled her hand away. "But you are my love and my lover and every time you kiss me, every time you make love to me, a little bit of you seeps into me and into him. You will give him his soul and his heart. That is more important than flesh and blood could ever be." She brought her hand up cup Morgause's jaw. "I cannot live without you, my love. You are my heart, my hope and my purpose. I live to be with you. It's what I was made for, what I was put on this earth to do." She crossed half of the distance between them and then stopped. "You are the light in my darkness, my golden knight. Nothing, no man, no King, no babe and no god - be they a god of the old religion or the one god - can keep me from you."
Fire flared in Morgause's eyes and for a moment Morgana thought she was going to start shouting again or leave. But instead, she surged forward and kissed Morgana fiercely, the force of it pushing the Queen onto her back, putting Morgause atop her. Tears slipping down her cheeks, Morgana breathed in the kiss, taking everything she couldn't of Morgause inside her and keeping it captive there. She was so afraid; afraid that Morgause would leave her; afraid that things would never be as perfect between them again as it had by the spring on the island; afraid of the bruising way that Morgause was kissing her; and afraid that she would stop.
"I love you," Morgana whispered, frightened, looking deep into Morgause's dark eyes. "No matter what you think, I am not his. I am yours."
"You are no one's but your own," Morgause growled. But she had Morgana's hands pinned above her head, so Morgana thought that maybe she did understand after all. Being Morgause's didn't mean that she wasn't her own. It just meant that it was Morgause's arms that she belonged in and that she never wanted to leave them.
"I am yours," Morgana repeated. Morgause released her hands and sat back, but Morgana kept her arms where Morgause had left them. "Every bit of me."
Flames still burned in Morgause's eyes as she brought her hands to the hem of Morgana's night shift and began to push it up, past her thighs, her hips, her stomach, her breasts and then off completely, leaving her utterly naked.
"Yours," Morgana promised one last time.
Only then, did the flames in Morgause's eyes turn black.
The rising sun found Morgause already awake. Morgana slept peacefully with her head on Morgause's chest and her arm around her toned stomach. She had fallen asleep the moment she settled there and hadn't stirred since, blissfully unaware of the battle that raged the whole night through in Morgause's mind. She had not noticed the way that Morgause avoided touching the place where the child grew beneath as they lay together, her mind far too lost to ecstasy and relief. For her it was easy. She had everything she wanted. But Morgause didn't. She wasn't averse to the child all together. She wasn't cold hearted. Morgana loved the babe already and she wanted Morgause to love it just as much and that... that was where things got difficult.
A small early morning noise came from Morgana and she began to stir. Her fingers flexed on Morgause's stomach and her back arched in a stretch. Shivers rebounded through Morgause and her heart clenched. She had never loved anything as much as she loved Morgana. It had caught her completely by surprise that Morgana had loved her back. No one ever had before, not really.
She had never imagined that she would have children. Being a knight gave her the freedom not to marry and she would surely not do so out of choice. Now though, she had Morgana, the woman of her dreams, the woman she had spent years dreaming about and longing for. And now she had her, the gods had put an obstacle in their path. Whilst she lay awake, she remembered the warning her grandmother had been so fond of, 'the gods will test you'. If this was to be the test for Morgana's heart, then she was determined to pass it, no matter how high the cost to her. For the love of her Queen, her heart, she would do anything. Her decision was made.
"Good morning, my love," she whispered, ruffling her hand through Morgana's inky black hair.
Morgana buried her head in Morgause's chest, hiding from the light. "Is it morning already?" she murmured, the sound distorted by her hiding place.
A smile tugged at Morgause's lips. "I'm afraid so, my night owl of a Queen. Did I keep you up past your bed time?"
Morgana's laugh vibrated through Morgause's chest. "I was in bed on time alright. I just wasn't sleeping."
Not bothering to cover herself up, Morgana rose to sit, towering high, smiling adoringly down at her golden knight. The morning light made Morgana's skin glow pure flawless white like a statue of a Greek goddess. Morgause did not even try to hide her appreciation, letting her eyes linger on Morgana's breasts and grow dark.
The unabashed ogling would have made Morgana blush, but the night before had taken away the last of her shyness. Morgause's eyes had been so full of lust, that at first she was afraid. But the fear soon fled and she was emboldened under Morgause's gaze. She had never felt more powerful or more alive than when Morgause needed her that badly.
"You are so beautiful," Morgause whispered, reaching up to trail her hand between Morgana's breasts, down to rest where her stomach would soon swell. Morgana's hand covered hers and she smiled hopefully. "I cannot promise you things that are not under my control. I cannot say now that I will love it."
"I know," Morgana said quietly, dropping her eyes.
"But I love you and I swear that I will protect your child with my life. I pledge to you here and now that, if it is what you desire, I will treat this babe as though it is my own. I will dedicate my life to it, as I have to you. I will be there, unwavering, every step of the way." She brought her hand back up raise Morgana's chin. "I love you. For me that means forever. Nothing will change it and nothing and nobody will keep me from you. If you insist that you are mine, then I am yours, wholly and utterly."
There was fire in her eyes again and it made Morgana's stomach flutter.
"Mine," Morgana murmured, lacing her fingers with Morgause's and setting them above her heart.