I had a conversation this evening that was, in part, about how much enthusiasm it's good to show in the very early days of a relationship and how one can scare off potential partners by "coming on too strong". ( ... )
That makes a great deal of sense. It's a fragile time, the beginning of a relationship, and if you're out of synch in any number of ways the whole thing occasionally shatters.
I wonder if the implication of this is that someone who really believes they're undilutedly cool feels differently about the level of adulation they get from someone in NRE. Although perhaps that would require they be really arrogant, and then things would implode because of that at a slightly different point.
Another implication is that greater experience tends to attenuate this reaction; a few times around the block, one perhaps understands that no one is the coolest thing since poptarts, no matter how cool they seem at the time. (So, I admit that poptarts set a high bar.)
But a while after that maybe one figures out that it's okay, that pretty cool is a rare enough thing as it is.
Re: Yes, that makes a lot of sense.marmotaJanuary 3 2007, 16:53:53 UTC
On the other hand, people who have a bad reaction to enthusiasm from someone new may tend to avoid new people and or choose to spend most of their time with people who aren't very enthusiastic.
Absolutely. For most of my life I've avoided or tried to shut down as quickly as possible that whole phenylethylamine poisoning effect, because I both can't stand having someone lamprey onto me based solely on their first impression of who they think I am and also because I'm just as poor at regulating it if I let it guide my behavior.
Re: Yes, that makes a lot of sense.xthreadJanuary 5 2007, 01:09:34 UTC
Then, there's the people who love that enthusiasm and thrive on it. For them, it's likely very hard to have a longterm relationship, because the enthusiasm fades over time and they lose what keeps them going.
Therapeutic professionals report that one of the painfully common symptoms of depression is good old-fashioned infidelity - because one spouse is depressed, the intensity of their bond with their partner is no longer sufficiently high-amplitude to be percieved over the ongoing level of distress of their depression, and after a period of 'why doesn't he/she love me anymore?' they go shopping for a new relationship, because NRE is sufficiently high amplitude that they can perceive that the other person feels something for them. This, of course, leaves the now-scorned partner wondering and truly unprepared for the fact that it really mostly isn't about them.
This was one of the creepier discoveries I've made in the last three years.
I admit I have a bit of NRE right now. ;-) But for me, that doesn't mean calling the person 4 times a day or responding immediately to every email. I don't think I have ever called anybody more than once a day in my life (except with my Verizon Wireless phone which pretty much requires calling the same person 4 times during one conversation due to dropped calls). But anyway, for me, wanting to call or email the person at all is NRE. So I don't *think* I come across too strong in any of my relationships. But that's not due to me having to consciously try to play it cool. I think maybe I just don't show excitement as much as some people. But for anyone who knows me, it's fairly obvious that the excitement is there, although compared to the average person it maybe just looks like a typical amount of energy.
Conversely, I've never had someone display too much excitement over me, so I've never had to deal with the possibility that I'm going to have to let them down that I'm not as cool as they think I am.
Thank your lucky stars, girlfriend! I once had someone (jokingly, he claimed) propose to me on the first date. I think it was because I liked some indie band that he assumed no one had ever heard of.
Yeah... that was way too much enthusiasm for me. He got a second date and a few more after that, but it was always obvious that he was way more into it than I was, so it fizzled.
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I wonder if the implication of this is that someone who really believes they're undilutedly cool feels differently about the level of adulation they get from someone in NRE. Although perhaps that would require they be really arrogant, and then things would implode because of that at a slightly different point.
Another implication is that greater experience tends to attenuate this reaction; a few times around the block, one perhaps understands that no one is the coolest thing since poptarts, no matter how cool they seem at the time. (So, I admit that poptarts set a high bar.)
But a while after that maybe one figures out that it's okay, that pretty cool is a rare enough thing as it is.
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Absolutely. For most of my life I've avoided or tried to shut down as quickly as possible that whole phenylethylamine poisoning effect, because I both can't stand having someone lamprey onto me based solely on their first impression of who they think I am and also because I'm just as poor at regulating it if I let it guide my behavior.
Reply
Therapeutic professionals report that one of the painfully common symptoms of depression is good old-fashioned infidelity - because one spouse is depressed, the intensity of their bond with their partner is no longer sufficiently high-amplitude to be percieved over the ongoing level of distress of their depression, and after a period of 'why doesn't he/she love me anymore?' they go shopping for a new relationship, because NRE is sufficiently high amplitude that they can perceive that the other person feels something for them. This, of course, leaves the now-scorned partner wondering and truly unprepared for the fact that it really mostly isn't about them.
This was one of the creepier discoveries I've made in the last three years.
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Conversely, I've never had someone display too much excitement over me, so I've never had to deal with the possibility that I'm going to have to let them down that I'm not as cool as they think I am.
Reply
Yeah... that was way too much enthusiasm for me. He got a second date and a few more after that, but it was always obvious that he was way more into it than I was, so it fizzled.
Reply
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