I had a conversation this evening that was, in part, about how much enthusiasm it's good to show in the very early days of a relationship and how one can scare off potential partners by "coming on too strong". ( ... )
foolish thing desireeclecticavatarJanuary 3 2007, 15:52:47 UTC
I love NRE. I thrive on it, in fact. This may be why a lot of my relationships don't last when it begins to wear off. However, I do feel that there must be a way to make it last. You and J (and several of my other friends) have that going and I look to that sort of model for hope
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Re: foolish thing desirejason237January 3 2007, 22:39:37 UTC
I think an important thing to understand is that the relationships you mention as a model, at least mine and E's, aren't about preserving NRE. It's fun while it lasts, but it can't last forever. Good long-term relationships find something to replace it, they don't try to cling to it as it slips away. It's like the difference between fireworks and a fire in the fireplace. Both are lovely, but they aren't the same.
Note that one appeal of poly relationships is that they allow people to have both love and NRE at the same time.
feels about right to meqbazJanuary 3 2007, 17:58:23 UTC
if you like this kind of musing with some Oliver Sacks-style neurology thrown in, you might like the book "A General Theory of Love" -- I read it several years ago and found it utterly fascinating.
If you hadn't said something quite like this before, I certainly recognize some of these thoughts coming from you.
Mostly, it can feel like all of their excitement really has nothing to do with you.
Funny, I don't think I've felt that way before. I guess I'm happy that they're excited about the potential of me, and I assume optimistically that at least some of the real me will match some of those expectations.
Observation One: Let me again recommend the body of work from The Gottman Institure, especially The Seven Secrets for a Successful Marriage, which spends a fair bit of ink (admittedly pop-psych ink) on the physiology and neuroanatomy of such things, in addition to a phenomenal raft of actual data-derived information about r'ship structure, long-term prognosis, etc
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Re: Fixed LinklillibetJanuary 4 2007, 23:56:13 UTC
Looks interesting. I will check it out.
I think what I'm going for here is how to deal (from either end, really) with a relationship where both of you are genuinely interested, but one of you is putting in a lot more energy and attention in, say, the first two weeks? If you're sending 12 text messages a day and getting one back, are you comfortable with that? If they want to see you every night and yeah, you're psyched to see them, but this week is kind of busy, how do you communicate that without rejecting them completely? I see a lot of people failing to find a good balance and screwing up in the first few days what seem like relationships that might well be a Good Thing (tm) if allowed to mature at a slightly less breakneck pace.
but one of you is putting in a lot more energy and attention in, say, the first two weeks
My inclination, having been on the horribly wrong end (both) of that equation on more than one occasion, is to treat the impedance mismatch as data, take a step back, and try again later (or not). But that's based on a huge assumption of my own, that those kinds of impedance mismatch are evidence of an underlying disconnect in the individuals' interests, energy levels, etc, and that rather than fight up hill through the imbalance, it's better to step back and re-engage later when it's possible that the impedance mismatch is less spectacular.
Upon further reflection, I think that I say that in part because I've been observed to come on much stronger than the listener was expecting - in my case, I believe that it's usually an imbalance in baseline energy levels, because I'm a fairly high-energy sort, and many other people aren't. And I've been most recently horribly burned by people who were much lower energy trying desperately to keep up and
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Note that one appeal of poly relationships is that they allow people to have both love and NRE at the same time.
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Mostly, it can feel like all of their excitement really has nothing to do with you.
Funny, I don't think I've felt that way before. I guess I'm happy that they're excited about the potential of me, and I assume optimistically that at least some of the real me will match some of those expectations.
Reply
Reply
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I think what I'm going for here is how to deal (from either end, really) with a relationship where both of you are genuinely interested, but one of you is putting in a lot more energy and attention in, say, the first two weeks? If you're sending 12 text messages a day and getting one back, are you comfortable with that? If they want to see you every night and yeah, you're psyched to see them, but this week is kind of busy, how do you communicate that without rejecting them completely? I see a lot of people failing to find a good balance and screwing up in the first few days what seem like relationships that might well be a Good Thing (tm) if allowed to mature at a slightly less breakneck pace.
Reply
My inclination, having been on the horribly wrong end (both) of that equation on more than one occasion, is to treat the impedance mismatch as data, take a step back, and try again later (or not). But that's based on a huge assumption of my own, that those kinds of impedance mismatch are evidence of an underlying disconnect in the individuals' interests, energy levels, etc, and that rather than fight up hill through the imbalance, it's better to step back and re-engage later when it's possible that the impedance mismatch is less spectacular.
Upon further reflection, I think that I say that in part because I've been observed to come on much stronger than the listener was expecting - in my case, I believe that it's usually an imbalance in baseline energy levels, because I'm a fairly high-energy sort, and many other people aren't. And I've been most recently horribly burned by people who were much lower energy trying desperately to keep up and ( ... )
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