Some thoughts on NRE
I had a conversation this evening that was, in part, about how much enthusiasm it's good to show in the very early days of a relationship and how one can scare off potential partners by "coming on too strong". We discussed the internal conflict between displaying all of one's excitement and "playing it cool," and whether the latter is honest or deceptive and why love at first sight all too often backfires by weirding out the object of one's desire. I've thought about this in the past, but the pieces kind of fell together in a different way this time, so I thought I'd share what I found myself thinking.
Here's the thing: when you first meet someone, you don't know that person much at all. So, when you start calling four times a day and responding instantly to every email and making it abundantly clear that you think that person is the coolest thing since poptarts...it's not really about that person, it's about your instantaneous construction of that person from a few minutes of conversation, a brief interlude of flirting, a moment of connection. You've got a lot of love to give and you're enthusiastic about the possibilities of this person and you want to share all of that with them.
But when you're the other person in question, you know that you're probably not as undilutedly cool as they think you are right this minute and their enthusiasm betrays a set of expectations that can be burdensome and you may not have the capacity to absorb all the attention and love that they've had lying in wait for the right person. Mostly, it can feel like all of their excitement really has nothing to do with you.
Later in the relationship, all of that enthusiasm can be really wonderful. And I don't mean after-a-year, but just after there's been enough of a sustained connection for someone to believe that you understand they are not simply an idea in your head, that they have begun the process of becoming real to you. New Relationship Energy is a vital force, but one that can be overwhelming if the pace gets out of synch.
That's all--nothing earthshattering or brilliant, just a way of thinking about starting something with another human being that hadn't quite expressed itself to me that way before. Words of wisdom from the voice of experience, or something like that.
Here's the thing: when you first meet someone, you don't know that person much at all. So, when you start calling four times a day and responding instantly to every email and making it abundantly clear that you think that person is the coolest thing since poptarts...it's not really about that person, it's about your instantaneous construction of that person from a few minutes of conversation, a brief interlude of flirting, a moment of connection. You've got a lot of love to give and you're enthusiastic about the possibilities of this person and you want to share all of that with them.
But when you're the other person in question, you know that you're probably not as undilutedly cool as they think you are right this minute and their enthusiasm betrays a set of expectations that can be burdensome and you may not have the capacity to absorb all the attention and love that they've had lying in wait for the right person. Mostly, it can feel like all of their excitement really has nothing to do with you.
Later in the relationship, all of that enthusiasm can be really wonderful. And I don't mean after-a-year, but just after there's been enough of a sustained connection for someone to believe that you understand they are not simply an idea in your head, that they have begun the process of becoming real to you. New Relationship Energy is a vital force, but one that can be overwhelming if the pace gets out of synch.
That's all--nothing earthshattering or brilliant, just a way of thinking about starting something with another human being that hadn't quite expressed itself to me that way before. Words of wisdom from the voice of experience, or something like that.