Comments | lexia_arcadia: uni assignment -yep how creative a title eh!

lexia_arcadia

uni assignment -yep how creative a title eh!

Apr 20, 2009 15:13

Author, pomkeygeekange
story which still needs a name
Warnings: It is set in retail! a possibly insulting nickname blink and you miss it two male characters as a couple, not so blink and you miss it two females as a would be couple but nothing explicit.

word count 4050 (50 words too long for the damn assignment so 50 need to go.)
Disclaimer, this ( Read more... )

uni

Comments 1

blueboxfever April 23 2009, 15:39:37 UTC

OK, you should not be so hard on yourself. Most if not all of this story is perfectly ok. Content-wise there isn't much that ought to be changed. But because you asked me to be thorough and honest, I'll try and sum up a few things I noticed:

a) The thing is I hated the situation. Maybe this should be a bit longer, along the lines of "You see, my problem is that I hated the situation." or, it could be the other way around, just "see, I hated the situation." Whichever sounds better to you? I mean, it's only a suggestion.

Christopher asked, taking a seat. I was thinking this might sound better if you replace "taking a seat" by "as he sat down"?

She stated. Actually she shouted. could become "she stated, or rather, shouted ( ... )