Membership and Belonging

[lerite]

In thinking about this post, I make heavy reference to a speech given by C.S. Lewis in 1944. If you haven't read it, go read it or at least skim it now. Here.

Comments

[peojkl]

Regarding the "exclusion" comment, I've called Wint on comparable statements before, for example when he talked about bullying, when he talked about it in a way that assumed the audience had all been observers of bullying and never its target. I think if you have never actually been excluded you really have no idea what is going on

[lerite]

The other useful thing you've said about not fitting in is that accumulation of age and status help. And it's true, at least for me. Also having a stable romantic partner--screw all the advice about being self-sufficient--gives you a person to tell you you're not crazy.

I do give people permission not to like me. Some people have legitimate cause to believe that I am not a worthwhile human being, and I am just going to keep on living anyway. But that does not help you get access to the social spaces controlled by those people.

[peojkl]

Forgot to come back to this thread until now. Yes, you are right exclusion and access to space. There are lots of spaces I'm excluded from, and I've borne costs of that exclusion, and I'm really privileged. So yeah, spot on. Peace inside yourself is one thing, but that totally is not the same thing as exclusion not being external and not having consequences.

[voraxvulpes]

I'm not sure if I'll be of much help, I rarely ever really feel like I am, but I want to take a moment to let you know how much I appreciate and sincerely miss you

[voraxvulpes]

In essence to age and status, I am relatively the same age as everyone else at my store, but there is a severe maturity gap between most of us, so I have also found it hard to relate to most people I've met. I've pretty much given up on trying to be personable or to relate to everyone, as sad as that sounds, but I've felt pretty burnt out.

It's hard to find humans relatable sometimes. I mostly just end up resenting them. And some of our intentions are selfish, even if we don't intend on creating a certain situation, we do so anyway; we are creatures of habit. We may not always fix the things we do wrong, but there's always that intention that things will change. Through struggle, hard work, or by chance, maybe one day we'll figure things out. Maybe.

[lerite]

Lex likes and respects you, at least.

[lerite]

This actually really helped. Thank you. I miss you too, although I find you intimidating--younger and cooler and hotter than me, with better taste in music. I kind of assumed that you were nice to me to be polite--but you're probably good at using that as an excuse when actually you're shy or just can't handle leaving the house. Or something. Anyway yes, you're interesting and I want to interact with you sometimes. It will happen one of these days. (I get NEED ALONE TIME a lot in the winter, so not all of its not happening is you.)

[luinied]

eventually you realize it's all internal. You know what? NO YOU DON'T. Because you know what? It isn't all internal! [...] My maladaptive social reactions are learned responses from how people treat me.

YES. I get so sick of "I realized it was all in my head, and you can too!". Counting the ways in which the person saying that is incredibly lucky to be in a position where making whatever Brave Personal Changes they recently made were well-received by everyone around them may not help with my frustrated response to this, but at least it makes it less stammer-y.