Membership and Belonging

[lerite]

In thinking about this post, I make heavy reference to a speech given by C.S. Lewis in 1944. If you haven't read it, go read it or at least skim it now. Here.

Comments

[peojkl]

Regarding the "exclusion" comment, I've called Wint on comparable statements before, for example when he talked about bullying, when he talked about it in a way that assumed the audience had all been observers of bullying and never its target. I think if you have never actually been excluded you really have no idea what is going on.

And of course you are right that exclusion is interactional, it is not all in your head. But you know we agree on this: inclusion/exclusion is relational and social, not psychological.

Regarding the "best lifestyle" stuff, just before reading this I was having a conversation with someone else that was in part about having a lifetime of experience not fitting in -- both of us having the experience. And agreeing that giving up on caring what other people think is the way out. That was his way of saying it, I said: giving other people permission not to like me. But it came down to the same thing. Releasing it. None of which makes either of us good at fitting in or being comfortable. I still feel like a social klutz most of the time. I'm just more comfortable being uncomfortable, and that helps. Sometimes.

I was just wondering whether the non-preference for you in the church discussion was because you are linked to me? I wouldn't be surprised to find some spillover effect. And not trying to draw you into the community. Hmmm.

[lerite]

The other useful thing you've said about not fitting in is that accumulation of age and status help. And it's true, at least for me. Also having a stable romantic partner--screw all the advice about being self-sufficient--gives you a person to tell you you're not crazy.

I do give people permission not to like me. Some people have legitimate cause to believe that I am not a worthwhile human being, and I am just going to keep on living anyway. But that does not help you get access to the social spaces controlled by those people.

[peojkl]

Forgot to come back to this thread until now. Yes, you are right exclusion and access to space. There are lots of spaces I'm excluded from, and I've borne costs of that exclusion, and I'm really privileged. So yeah, spot on. Peace inside yourself is one thing, but that totally is not the same thing as exclusion not being external and not having consequences.