Srs bsns conversations are imminent. [The actor's suite; Len, Jim, Tina's Bra, De, Bill]

[len_not_spock]

Leonard was notably subdued and quiet as he made his way back to their quarters accompanied by Jim and Tina's bra. It wasn't that his enthusiasm at meeting the newly sentient piece of lingerie in the observation lounge had completely disappeared, but the need to analyze his reaction to Bill's rather impulsive invitation was overriding the novelty

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[canadianbill]

Bill followed Len into the bedroom with his heart in his throat. The closer this conversation came to becoming a reality, the more his sense of dread grew. He wasn't certain, exactly, of what he thought Len would say - what he was afraid of, apart from the obvious fear that Len would have lost all trust in Bill and his feelings for Leonard - but whatever it was, he feared it.

He hovered uncertainly just inside the door, and looked at Leonard, his eyes unreadable. "...well?"

[len_not_spock]

Bill looked... as if he was fearful that Leonard was planning on killing his puppy, or something equally dreadful and less unlikely.

Which wasn't at all how things were meant to be. Damnit.

"Right," he began, searching for words for a moment, struck by the sheer discomfort that had fallen between them. "I... listen, Bill, I'm sorry for the caustic tone of my message. I could have phrased things a lot better than that," Bill looked ready to interrupt there, but Leonard stalled him with a gesture, "but more importantly, I should have had this conversation with you long ago, and quite frankly, I've been sending you a bunch of mixed signals regarding this particular... angle of our relationship, and it was stupid of me to forget."

[canadianbill]

Bill fidgeted, and looked at the floor. "At least it made it obvious what you meant," he muttered. "Better that than a 'sure, go ahead, here're some smileys', and then you being really pissed off later." He poked at the floor with the toe of one boot, as it to ensure that his extended perception of it stood up to more rigorous inspection. He sighed, and then raised his head with an obvious effort. "I shouldn't have asked. I have no idea what possessed me to think you'd be okay with it. Actually."

[len_not_spock]

"...probably the fact that I didn't have a problem with you kissing him at the Halloween party," Leonard replied sardonically, before pausing and taking a breath in

[canadianbill]

For a long moment, Bill only stared down at the carpet, chewing his lip anxiously and avoiding Leonard's eyes. As Leonard spoke, the twist in his gut had, for some reason, only wound itself tighter, the way it did when a parent said they weren't angry, just disappointed, and then you couldn't defend yourself so you didn't know what on earth to say. This wasn't what he was used to, at all. Obviously Leonard and Susan had a more complex relationship than he had ever imagined, and certainly more complex than any he had experienced himself. He wouldn't hesitate to say better, too.

He pulled at his sleeve. Hesitantly, he began, "I don't - I mean, I didn't go over there to do that, Len, I really didn't. And then I - I stopped it. Later than I should have, but I stopped it. I knew - or I thought - that the reason it was okay at the party was that you were there, you knew all about it; and the reason it wouldn't have been okay on the bridge was that you didn't know." Mentally, Bill rolled his eyes at himself. This sounded a lot like self-

[len_not_spock]

Watching Bill talk was a... novel experience. He'd become so used to the dynamic being the opposite of this, because Susan was without a doubt better than him at communicating, at knowing her feelings and how to put them out there

[canadianbill]

Bill smiled shakily. "It's a shame you can't do a mindmeld, isn't it? Sort of - download it all to my brain, all the - all this stuff." He squeezed Leonard's hand in his own, grateful for the contact. "And take all mine back, of course." The smile became wry. "Though I'm sure it's less cogent than your thoughts, since it sort of consists of 'Len. Mine.'" He snorted. "Which, you know, has that caveman simplicity going for it, but..."

Oh, he didn't want to have this conversation. He wasn't kidding when he said it would have all been so much easier if they could just have shown each other what they meant; if he could have shown Leonard how it felt, this strange bright thing in his heart and his head that was himself and Leonard, the need to keep him close, to be liked best. It all sounded so silly, said aloud.

At length, Bill said, tightening his grip still further on Leonard's hand, "And again, you know - I'm not Jim. And maybe it's, I don't know, easier for him, because he always has Spock - " he tapped his temple " - up here,

[len_not_spock]

Leonard could certainly see the attraction of what Bill was saying - having a direct link like that would undoubtedly have made this easier. Words could be misunderstood, could tangle themselves up into a net if you weren't careful, and sometimes, even then. But on the other hand, there was something about mastering those difficult paths in life... without them, he wouldn't be the person he was, today, and that was crucial in it's own way. How to make Bill understand that was another matter entirely

[canadianbill]

Bill closed his eyes. The reaction was involuntary, no bid for escape, but, in fact, more the contrary; he wanted to turn his face towards Len's gentle hand; wanted to burrow into his shoulder and cling until the strange rush of something like tears had dissipated from his chest. He sighed, a soft exhalation that shivered its way ominously over his lips, and tried hard to steady himself. It was more difficult than it should have been, shoring himself up against the way Leonard's words, his gentleness, seemed to have drawn all the feelings to the surface of his skin, making it ache all over in a way that felt like one more touch would bring everything spilling out against his will.

"You always know," he said, in a voice that was suddenly incapable of raising itself much above a whisper. "How do you - " He pressed a hand to his face; took another deep breath. He started again, on a note of very conscious calm.

"A lot of the time," he said slowly, "it's just felt as if you were the only one who did know me, if you see what I mean.

[len_not_spock]

Oh, Bill. There was a curious tightness budding in Leonard's chest, at once pained at the fear that tinged Bill's every word and exultant at the fact that he was opening up to him like this, probably in a way he'd never done in his life. He couldn't have stopped himself from pressing his lips to Bill's even had he wanted to, in a way that had nothing to do with sex whatsoever, but everything with assurance, protectiveness, love

[canadianbill]

Leonard's arms around him were a comfort and a haven, his safe harbour, his sheltered dock, and all the other ridiculous cliches he would have laughed at if anyone had unironically said them aloud. But here, like this, they were true. It was hard, saying these things, not least because what seemed to make sense in his head so often came out sounding, to his own ears, ridiculous. But Leonard, for all he loved to poke fun at Bill, did not laugh; did not judge. Leonard always knew when it wasn't the time for laughing

[len_not_spock]

"I don't think you're crazy," Leonard began, struggling a little for an appropriate response. Well. He'd been the one to say it wasn't necessarily always easy, right?

"I think," he said after a moment, "that you have some difficulties with trusting people, and possibly even yourself. Which I do as well, actually, if not as strongly anymore, and which pretty much reaffirms the need for communication." He raised an eyebrow. "I can't promise I'll always remember to tell you where I'm off to if it's just a small thing, but if I forget and it bothers you, let me know. And the same goes for thinking I'm pissed off with you for some reason. Alright?"

[canadianbill]

"You think I'm nuts," Bill said, rearranging his shirt and trying to claw back some shreds of his dignity. "Oh, well. That's okay. You did ask to know what was going on in my head, and if you didn't know beforehand that it would be scary -" he laughed. "Well, you did, and that's all there is to it. I hereby give you permission to go to the bathroom without telling me."

He sighed. "You know, I think a while back this was supposed to be a conversation wherein I apologised to you for being a dick with regard to the Kirk thing, and somehow it has gotten around to 'I am a mad stalker. Please indulge me.'" He touched Leonard's face. "But, you're right. Communicating. Is good. Avoids ridiculous assumptions. The road to hell is paved with assumptions, you know." He paused. "Or was that good intentions? I guess it's both, for me."

And he smiled a little, not quite at full wattage, but enough to reassure Leonard that he was over his minor teeter on the edge of tears.

[len_not_spock]

"How magnanimous of you, to allow me free use of the bathroom." It was said teasingly, no sting to it whatsoever, and he smiled whilst saying it.

"Seriously though, Bill, if you're crazy, then so am I. So is pretty much everyone, for that matter. I think the concept of normality in the society we're from is both highly overrated, and extremely distorted. But that's a psychology lecture for another day, I think."

He got to his feet, offering Bill a hand up. "We're ok then?" When really, it was evident that he was more asking whether Bill was.

[canadianbill]

Bill smiled back. "Yeah, we're okay. If you're okay. I mean, I'm okay." He was babbling. He hoped it didn't matter. He felt better, anyway, and that was all that counted, really.

"Want to go back out there and reassure De that we haven't had a screaming and totally wasteful breakup?"

[len_not_spock]

"I'm okay, and yeah, like that's going to happen." He pulled Bill towards him impulsively, kissing him. "I've waited forty-odd years, you're not getting rid of me this easily now," he murmured against Bill's lips once he'd pulled back.