Srs bsns conversations are imminent. [The actor's suite; Len, Jim, Tina's Bra, De, Bill]

[len_not_spock]

Leonard was notably subdued and quiet as he made his way back to their quarters accompanied by Jim and Tina's bra. It wasn't that his enthusiasm at meeting the newly sentient piece of lingerie in the observation lounge had completely disappeared, but the need to analyze his reaction to Bill's rather impulsive invitation was overriding the novelty

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[canadianbill]

For a long moment, Bill only stared down at the carpet, chewing his lip anxiously and avoiding Leonard's eyes. As Leonard spoke, the twist in his gut had, for some reason, only wound itself tighter, the way it did when a parent said they weren't angry, just disappointed, and then you couldn't defend yourself so you didn't know what on earth to say. This wasn't what he was used to, at all. Obviously Leonard and Susan had a more complex relationship than he had ever imagined, and certainly more complex than any he had experienced himself. He wouldn't hesitate to say better, too.

He pulled at his sleeve. Hesitantly, he began, "I don't - I mean, I didn't go over there to do that, Len, I really didn't. And then I - I stopped it. Later than I should have, but I stopped it. I knew - or I thought - that the reason it was okay at the party was that you were there, you knew all about it; and the reason it wouldn't have been okay on the bridge was that you didn't know." Mentally, Bill rolled his eyes at himself. This sounded a lot like self-defence, despite Leonard's lack of accusation. "So - I mean, that's what you're saying, right? You need to know?" He paused. "But not in a - a kind of after-the-fact way, like today."

For a minute, Bill was silent, but it was obvious from his attitude that he was thinking, and Leonard did not interrupt.

At length, Bill laughed, but there was no humour in it. "Irony is," he ventured, "I do get jealous. I get jealous as fuck. I hate the idea of you with anyone else. Can't stand it. Susan excepted, of course. And yet here I am, doing my goddamn stupid thing, as usual." Abruptly, he dug his fingernails into his palms and struggled to bite back the surge of anger - at himself? - that rose at the back of his throat. "I mean, obviously what goes for me has to go for you; I'm not quite enough of an ass to want double standards. Telling, and stuff. Pre-explaining." He sighed. "You know, I didn't even really want to, without you there? It would have been...weird."

His voice was getting smaller and smaller. He knew it, but he couldn't stop it. "I don't know what this is, Len, even. I didn't know what to call you, in there; what you are to me. I mean, we're both married. And even if Susan'd be okay with, you know, you having sex with other people or whatever, that's not the same thing as being okay with actual polyamory, is it?" (Bill was very impressed with himself for knowing that word. He had once found it on the back cover of a book of lesbian pornography and had looked it up.)"And I - I don't know. I suppose it makes me feel all the more stupid being irrationally clingy or whatever when I don't even have a primary claim to you."

He sighed again. "Am I even making sense? Is this even relevant?"

[len_not_spock]

Watching Bill talk was a... novel experience. He'd become so used to the dynamic being the opposite of this, because Susan was without a doubt better than him at communicating, at knowing her feelings and how to put them out there.

And watching Bill struggling to find the words to explain himself, his obvious guilt and defensiveness when Leonard had no intention to attack or blame him, this vulnerability that he clearly wasn't used to showing, well, it... drained all the anxiety out of him.

He drew Bill to him by the sleeve, until he settled on the bed next to him.

"Firstly," he brushed a hand along his jaw, "you don't need to apologize, although I admit on some irrational level it reassures me. That you gave that consideration. Either of us could have prevented it, and unfortunately neither of us did, but that's not important. Shit happens." A shrug. "What's important is how we move on from here."

Bill was looking at him with wide eyes, as if he had some difficulty accepting that he meant it. Leonard felt an almost irrational surge of protectiveness at the sight. How on earth that man had managed to throw himself heart-first into marriage after marriage with what seemed to be buried underneath, he didn't know.

"Secondly, it isn't about quid pro quo. Double standards don't come into it, and if you feel that way, I wouldn't want you to give me leeway just because you feel you should. The communication isn't about setting up iron-cast rules, it's..." he smiled a little, clasping Bill's hand in his, fingers interlocking, "this. Being open."

[canadianbill]

Bill smiled shakily. "It's a shame you can't do a mindmeld, isn't it? Sort of - download it all to my brain, all the - all this stuff." He squeezed Leonard's hand in his own, grateful for the contact. "And take all mine back, of course." The smile became wry. "Though I'm sure it's less cogent than your thoughts, since it sort of consists of 'Len. Mine.'" He snorted. "Which, you know, has that caveman simplicity going for it, but..."

Oh, he didn't want to have this conversation. He wasn't kidding when he said it would have all been so much easier if they could just have shown each other what they meant; if he could have shown Leonard how it felt, this strange bright thing in his heart and his head that was himself and Leonard, the need to keep him close, to be liked best. It all sounded so silly, said aloud.

At length, Bill said, tightening his grip still further on Leonard's hand, "And again, you know - I'm not Jim. And maybe it's, I don't know, easier for him, because he always has Spock - " he tapped his temple " - up here, wherever he is. Whereas if I were with someone else, I think I'd probably sort of feel like I was cheating on you. Even if you had said it was okay." He smiled wryly. "Which may be a sort of Pavlovian response because of all the times I cheated on people way less important to me than you are, but. Still. I mean, I'm not going to - I wouldn't dream of trying to put restraints on you that Susan, who's your goddamn wife, doesn't insist on. That's be stupid. But - " He inched forward, closer to Leonard " - you know I've always been kind of like a kid with a favourite toy when I have something I've wanted." His hand clenched on Leonard's in demonstration. "I can share, sometimes, but other times I -" I'd almost rather break the toy than let anyone else have it, he didn't say " - it's hard."

[len_not_spock]

Leonard could certainly see the attraction of what Bill was saying - having a direct link like that would undoubtedly have made this easier. Words could be misunderstood, could tangle themselves up into a net if you weren't careful, and sometimes, even then. But on the other hand, there was something about mastering those difficult paths in life... without them, he wouldn't be the person he was, today, and that was crucial in it's own way. How to make Bill understand that was another matter entirely.

"It's not stupid, it's... how you feel. And I've been there, at the caveman level," a small smile, "without understanding why or how, and knowing how distressing that can be - Bill, I'd always prefer being constrained - and I don't like that word in this context, even, because it wouldn't feel like that - to knowing that I'm hurting you over something that isn't that important to me." He paused for a moment, trying to find the right words. "Though I'll say that there are usually reasons for feeling that way, both the jealousy and the... impulse to cheat, when you know that isn't ok. Understanding mine, understanding why for the longest time I wanted to tear Susan away if she was speaking too long to another man, when there was no rational basis for it, addressing what lay underneath that, helped immensely in not letting it control me, but that doesn't happen in a day." He looked a Bill with a tender inquisitivenss, as he brushed a lock of hair back from his face. "You've felt... very lonely for most of your life, haven't you?"

He wouldn't have taken the gamble of asking it outright if he wasn't confident that it was true.

[canadianbill]

Bill closed his eyes. The reaction was involuntary, no bid for escape, but, in fact, more the contrary; he wanted to turn his face towards Len's gentle hand; wanted to burrow into his shoulder and cling until the strange rush of something like tears had dissipated from his chest. He sighed, a soft exhalation that shivered its way ominously over his lips, and tried hard to steady himself. It was more difficult than it should have been, shoring himself up against the way Leonard's words, his gentleness, seemed to have drawn all the feelings to the surface of his skin, making it ache all over in a way that felt like one more touch would bring everything spilling out against his will.

"You always know," he said, in a voice that was suddenly incapable of raising itself much above a whisper. "How do you - " He pressed a hand to his face; took another deep breath. He started again, on a note of very conscious calm.

"A lot of the time," he said slowly, "it's just felt as if you were the only one who did know me, if you see what I mean. All the wives coming and going, all the women in between, all the - " he waved a hand irritably " - nonsense, and you were the only thing there was. Especially since De - died." He chewed his lip, and thought for a moment. "Nothing hurt worse than arguing with you. Made me wonder what the point was, in romantic relationships, if the only person I ever felt, here - " he pressed his hand to his chest, fingers curled in " - was you." He smiled at Leonard wryly. "I was an idiot for not joining the dots there, huh?" The smile faded. He went on: "And now I have you. The way I want you. The way that makes me hurt when I wake up and you're right there because I'm so happy I can't believe it." His voice was getting quieter and quieter, but he couldn't seem to prevent it. "And that - puts you - you, my Leonard, my person, and that other thing, that other kind of relationship thing, all in the one box and that terrifies me, sometimes, do you see? I don't know why. Or I do. But - there it is. There's you, my rock of ages; and here you are, right where I want you; except in my bed you're kind of in a position, suddenly, that's never been very consistently filled in my life and that makes me worry."

He breathed out hard, and reached up to cover Leonard's hand on his face, stilling it there. "It makes me worry. And I know it's not - rational, or whatever; and I'm sorry for the speech. But having you properly somehow makes me more afraid of losing you than I've ever been."

[len_not_spock]

Oh, Bill. There was a curious tightness budding in Leonard's chest, at once pained at the fear that tinged Bill's every word and exultant at the fact that he was opening up to him like this, probably in a way he'd never done in his life. He couldn't have stopped himself from pressing his lips to Bill's even had he wanted to, in a way that had nothing to do with sex whatsoever, but everything with assurance, protectiveness, love.

"Don't ever apologize for telling me how you feel," he whispered against his lips before he broke away fully, thumb stroking reflexively across the back of Bill's hand, soothing.

"It is scary, letting someone in this deep. I think it has to be about the most terrifying thing you can do, trusting another person with your emotions, because it leaves you... profoundly vulnerable, and it's going to be even more so for you, with the associations that come with it. But it's also, without question, the most amazing, rewarding and precious thing in life, to connect with someone on that level, to experience that kind of love. It's... worth it."

He drew Bill to him, then, hands stroking over the expanse of his back as his forehead came to rest against Leonard's neck.

"And you're not going to lose me. Even if you managed to somehow trip into doing something incredibly stupid and hurtful to me, I'd want us to talk about it. Understand why it happened, and find a way to get past it." He curled his fingers into Bill's hair. "It's not necessarily always going to be easy, but then, the most important things in life rarely ever are."

[canadianbill]

Leonard's arms around him were a comfort and a haven, his safe harbour, his sheltered dock, and all the other ridiculous cliches he would have laughed at if anyone had unironically said them aloud. But here, like this, they were true. It was hard, saying these things, not least because what seemed to make sense in his head so often came out sounding, to his own ears, ridiculous. But Leonard, for all he loved to poke fun at Bill, did not laugh; did not judge. Leonard always knew when it wasn't the time for laughing.

He said, "I love you." And then, because this was really saying nothing at all and had come out sounding curiously desperate, anyway, he went on, half-smiling, "You know, it's weird - when I've just come from our quarters, or I'm walking, or I'm reading somewhere, or whatever, I'm quite happy to be on my own. I just spoke to you. You were just there. And you kind of - still are." He thought for a moment, trying to find a way to say this that wasn't going to sound bizarre. Then he gave up, and said regardless, "But if I'm somewhere without you, and I'm talking to someone else - who isn't De, that is - if you don't know where I am and I don't know where you are, it makes me feel strange, like everything this person is saying is kind of overwriting the last things you said to me. Like they're - I don't know - erasing you. It makes me uneasy."

He pressed his face into Leonard's neck before Leonard could say anything. "I mean, I'm not a stalker, or anything weird like that. If you say, 'Hey, Bill, I'm off to hang with Jim,' and I say, 'Sure, Len, I'm gonna stay here and play Killer Zombie Death Fest 89 on the computer system', my crazy is totally happy with that. But if you're not here, and I don't know where you are, and then I don't get a proper chance to tell you where I am - " He shrugged. "You did realise I was a clingy clinging thing, didn't you? Like, I'm that guy, who if he doesn't get a response to his phonecall will go on leaving messages till you call back because he immediately assumes you must have gotten in the way of a bus?" He laughed softly. "I did that once, you remember?"

He tilted his head up, carefully, and kissed Leonard's mouth. "I think what I'm saying," he clarified, "doubtless in my own inimitably cloudy way, is that I don't want to 'constrain' you, in any sense, but like you said, I like to know stuff. Or I worry. And then my imagination runs rampant and that's when things go bad. When I was married to Marcy, I used to assume she was in a bad mood with me because of one tiny thing that really meant nothing, but I didn't ask her about it so I got more and more convinced till I was hating on her for being an irrational bitch, and then I'd go and sleep with some extra to get back at her." He sighed. "...I think all I've done is make myself sound like even more of a nut than you already knew I was," he confessed, pulling slightly away from Leonard and sitting upright again.

[len_not_spock]

"I don't think you're crazy," Leonard began, struggling a little for an appropriate response. Well. He'd been the one to say it wasn't necessarily always easy, right?

"I think," he said after a moment, "that you have some difficulties with trusting people, and possibly even yourself. Which I do as well, actually, if not as strongly anymore, and which pretty much reaffirms the need for communication." He raised an eyebrow. "I can't promise I'll always remember to tell you where I'm off to if it's just a small thing, but if I forget and it bothers you, let me know. And the same goes for thinking I'm pissed off with you for some reason. Alright?"

[canadianbill]

"You think I'm nuts," Bill said, rearranging his shirt and trying to claw back some shreds of his dignity. "Oh, well. That's okay. You did ask to know what was going on in my head, and if you didn't know beforehand that it would be scary -" he laughed. "Well, you did, and that's all there is to it. I hereby give you permission to go to the bathroom without telling me."

He sighed. "You know, I think a while back this was supposed to be a conversation wherein I apologised to you for being a dick with regard to the Kirk thing, and somehow it has gotten around to 'I am a mad stalker. Please indulge me.'" He touched Leonard's face. "But, you're right. Communicating. Is good. Avoids ridiculous assumptions. The road to hell is paved with assumptions, you know." He paused. "Or was that good intentions? I guess it's both, for me."

And he smiled a little, not quite at full wattage, but enough to reassure Leonard that he was over his minor teeter on the edge of tears.

[len_not_spock]

"How magnanimous of you, to allow me free use of the bathroom." It was said teasingly, no sting to it whatsoever, and he smiled whilst saying it.

"Seriously though, Bill, if you're crazy, then so am I. So is pretty much everyone, for that matter. I think the concept of normality in the society we're from is both highly overrated, and extremely distorted. But that's a psychology lecture for another day, I think."

He got to his feet, offering Bill a hand up. "We're ok then?" When really, it was evident that he was more asking whether Bill was.

[canadianbill]

Bill smiled back. "Yeah, we're okay. If you're okay. I mean, I'm okay." He was babbling. He hoped it didn't matter. He felt better, anyway, and that was all that counted, really.

"Want to go back out there and reassure De that we haven't had a screaming and totally wasteful breakup?"

[len_not_spock]

"I'm okay, and yeah, like that's going to happen." He pulled Bill towards him impulsively, kissing him. "I've waited forty-odd years, you're not getting rid of me this easily now," he murmured against Bill's lips once he'd pulled back.

[canadianbill]

Bill smiled. "You know me, and you still love me. I can't doubt you, knowing that's true." He ruffled Leonard's hair, and tugged him towards the door. "Come on, then."

They returned to the main room to see how De was getting on with the bra.