The Year Without Santa 1/2
Title: The Year Without Santa
Pairing: BFF!JaeChun, JaeMin, YunChun
Genre: Romance, Angst
Rating: R
Length: Two-Shots
Disclaimer: I don't own DBSK :(
Warning: Language, Supernatural, Lots of conversations
A/N: Merry Christmas! This is my Christmas gift for all of you :D It's a bit late, sorry!
( Russian ver: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 )
( Spanish ver: here )
23.12.10 | The Year Without Santa
Jaejoong knew he was going to die, but he wasn’t sure of when. His 15 years of life had not been very memorable and Jaejoong didn’t mind leaving his boring life at all. He was born with a weak heart and most of his life he had stayed in the hospital. He knew the hospital room better than his own bedroom at home and the doctors had to keep a close eye on Jaejoong in case his condition dropped. Jaejoong never complained about not being able to do what other kids do; he felt like he never had the purpose for living so might as well die, if only it were not for Park Yoochun.
Jaejoong had only Yoochun, his best friend since he was still on diapers. Jaejoong’s parents were rich and busy; they could pay for his treatments, but rarely have the time to accompany him the whole day. They only visit at night for couple of hours, and Jaejoong knew they have given up the hope that Jaejoong would heal someday. His other friends were kids who once stayed on the hospital but once they were healed and released, Jaejoong would lose contact with them. He had attended school until he was 9 but then quit and did home schooling instead.
Yoochun would visit Jaejoong every day after school and stay until his or Jaejoong’s mother come to bring them dinner. On weekends, Yoochun would come to Jaejoong’s room right after his piano lesson. Sometimes Jaejoong thought Yoochun was wasting his time for staying with him but when he said it, Yoochun slapped him and said he would never leave Jaejoong alone. Jaejoong laughed at that, saying Yoochun was being stupid and that he would die before Yoochun anyway but he gained another slap so he just let Yoochun do whatever he wants. Without realizing it, Park Yoochun had been Jaejoong’s reason of surviving.
***
6 months before Christmas
June 4th, Yoochun’s 15th birthday, they had celebrated it on Jaejoong’s hospital room like the years before. Yoochun had given Jaejoong a black PSP on his birthday on January, so Jaejoong had asked his mother to buy Yoochun a matching one in white so they could play together. Yoochun hugged him and kissed his cheeks when he opened his present. They spent the rest of the day playing their new PSP together and Jaejoong thought he had the best day of his life.
“Thank you, JaeJae,” Yoochun kissed his cheeks once again and tucked him to bed before he went home. Jaejoong smiled and hugged his best friend tighter than usual. He had a bad feeling and his heart ached a little when Yoochun left, he was not sure if the ache was from being alone in his hospital room or from his condition. Jaejoong laid in his bed in darkness, staring at the ceiling, and for the first time he asked God to heal him.
“Jaejoong,” warm lips touched Jaejoong’s earlobes and woke him up. Jaejoong opened his eyes and gasped as he found a tall figure standing next to him, with black wings and black clothes. The man was extremely gorgeous, if only Jaejoong’s mind were not clouded with fear. He was wearing a simple black v-neck sweater and black jeans with black leather boots. His hair was messy brunette and he looked like he was on his late 20s. Jaejoong cursed, his bad feelings had been right. “Hey,” the man whispered with a grin. “Does it hurt?” Jaejoong frowned, but then a familiar pain shot trough his heart. He sat up with both hands clutching on his chest and soon he was sweating from trying to endure the pain, panting. “Do you want me to release you from the pain?” the man offered.
“NO!” Jaejoong managed to gasp. “No, I don’t want to leave… I won’t leave Yoochun…” he groaned. Somehow the pain had been unbearable, much more painful than the attacks he had experienced before.
“Ah, too bad,” the man swiped a finger down Jaejoong’s face to his chest, stopped, pointing at Jaejoong’s painful heart. “This heart is useless, you know. That life you’re living, it’s useless. Why would you stay? Heaven is so much better~” The man grinned and when he pulled his finger away, the pain in Jaejoong’s heart disappeared. “Yah…why won’t you come with me, JaeJae?”
Jaejoong looked at the man with widened eyes. “Because Yoochun will be sad if I leave…”
The man scoffed. “So? Life moves on and sooner or later you will be just a memory.” Jaejoong frowned at the words; he didn’t want to be just a memory, especially not to Yoochun. “He will be fine without you.” Jaejoong lowered his gaze to the bed; it is true that Yoochun would be fine without him. Yoochun’s smart, good-looking and was perfectly healthy; life would be great for him. “Do you know Yoochun doesn’t hang out with his schoolmates outside school because he has to see you everyday?” the man continued. “His schoolmates talked about it you know, how he cared too much about this dying boy. That boy is such a burden for Yoochun.”
It was Jaejoong’s turn to scoff. “You don’t think I know that? I told him he was wasting his time. He said he would never leave me, I believe in him.”
The man grinned, “I should have taken you away tonight, but I guess I could wait. I’ll be leaving tonight, consider it a present for Yoochun.” Seeing Jaejoong’s terrified face the man added, “Then I will give you time until Christmas Eve to say goodbye. 6 months is enough right?”
“But…” Jaejoong’s protest was swallowed by a deep kiss. The man tasted sweet and Jaejoong melted into his lips, wondering why death had tasted that amazing.
“I’ll be back tomorrow night~” the man said with a smile before disappearing into thin air.
“…that was my first kiss, asshole,” Jaejoong pouted.
***
“Then he… JaeJae, are you listening to me?” Yoochun waved his hands in front of Jaejoong’s face, pulling him back to reality.
“Sorry, Chunnie…What did you say?”
“What’s bothering you, JaeJae?” Yoochun smiled and cupped Jaejoong’s face.
“Nothing, I…” Jaejoong turned away to avoid Yoochun’s gaze. “When I’m gone, what will you do?”
Yoochun frowned at the question and took Jaejoong’s hand. “Move on.” Jaejoong knew he would say that and a single tear dropped on the side of his face. Yoochun had always been the strong one when Jaejoong was the fragile one, of course he will move on. “But our routine will not stop,” he continued, wiping the tear off Jae’s cheek. “I will still visit you every day. I will still tell you everything. I promise I will never forget you.”
Jaejoong smiled, despite his aching heart. “Thank you, Chunnie,” he kissed Yoochun’s cheek. “So, what did you say earlier?”
Yoochun shook his head and handed Jaejoong his PSP, “Let’s just play, kay?” Jaejoong smiled and took the PSP.
“Fuck off,” Jaejoong said as soon as he saw the man from the previous night standing next to his bed. Jaejoong hadn’t been sleeping that night, he was waiting for the man to appear and tell him he would never want to leave Yoochun ever.
“Oh, such language! If you keep talking like that you might not get to heaven, you know,” the man laughed and sat at the edge of Jaejoong’s bed. Jaejoong kicked him off where he was sitting and the man snarled at him.
“I’m NOT going to die. And you said you’ll give me 6 months, why are you here, Mr. Demon?” Jaejoong scowled.
“I’m not a demon, okay, I’m a grim reaper and I have a name. They call me Choikang Changmin. I did give you 6 months, but it doesn’t mean you won’t change your mind anytime soon, that’s why I’m here.”
Jaejoong scoffed, “You’re trying to kill me, of course you are a demon. And, Choikang?” he raised an eyebrow.
“I’m the best grim reaper up there,” Changmin grinned. “I never fail a single mission.”
“I’m gonna prove them wrong,” Jaejoong laughed sarcastically.
Changmin smirked, “How exactly will you do that, JaeJae?” He climbed to the bed and straddled Jaejoong’s waist with his knees, cupping Jaejoong’s cheeks. Changmin leaned closer to push their lips together but Jaejoong covered his mouth before Changmin reached his lips, making the older man laugh.
“Only Yoochun can call me JaeJae!” Jaejoong scowled, trying to push Changmin away but the other man was too strong. “And that was my first kiss you stole last night, pedo!”
Changmin laughed again, “Lucky me~”
“What does you trying to rape me have anything to do with you trying to convince me to die?”
“It’s going to be so amazing you won’t realize you’re already dead,” Changmin kissed Jaejoong’s jaw. “Just kidding, you looked so good I wanted to get a taste.”
Jaejoong pushed Changmin with difficulty and jumped off the bed. “I’m not going anywhere!” he walked to the window and looked at the full moon. He sighed, “My life might seem meaningless to you, but every second I spend with Yoochun means the world to me.”
“Very selfish, JaeJae,” Changmin said, still sitting on the bed. “Very, very selfish…”
“I know,” Jaejoong sighed.
“You can’t fight fate, you know. Everybody has to die.”
“I know.”
“If I were you I would give up and let Yoochun have his life.”
“I know. Fortunately you’re not me.”
Arms wrapped around Jaejoong’s middle from behind and lips were glued to his neck. “I can show you heaven.”
“I don’t mind hell as long as Yoochun’s with me.”
“What is so special about Yoochun?” Jaejoong shrugged but didn’t reply. He had no answer to that, everything? Nothing? Or is it because Yoochun’s his best friend he mattered the most? But he’s only a best friend, isn’t he? Or…no… he is not in love with Yoochun, right? “Figured the answer?” Jaejoong could feel Changmin’s smirk on his neck. Fuck, could it be?
“Shit,” Jaejoong cursed.
The wrap on Jaejoong’s waist soon loosened. “See you,” Changmin said and disappeared before Jaejoong could say anything.
***
5 months before Christmas
Yoochun came to Jaejoong’s room as usual that day, but he wasn’t alone. Jaejoong stared at the tall figure behind Yoochun, an extremely good-looking guy with tan skin, and frowned. “JaeJae!” Yoochun hugged him and kissed his cheeks while Jaejoong didn’t move his gaze from the guy. “I brought Yunho today, he’s my best friend at school. He said he would like to meet you, would that be okay if he stays with us today?”
Yunho smiled at him, slightly bowing he introduced himself, “Hello, my name is Yunho, Yoochun’s friend. Nice to meet you.” Jaejoong didn’t say anything and kept glaring.
Yoochun noticed, “Yunho, can you buy us drinks? Jaejoong likes lemon and I want strawberry. The vending machine is just down the hall.” Yunho nodded and went out of the room. “Hey, Yunho was just trying to be nice. It won’t hurt to know more people right, JaeJae?”
Jaejoong rolled his eyes, “Of course it will. More friends mean more people who will cry for me when I die and I hate it. But maybe it’s okay, he can be my replacement when I’m gone, right?”
Yoochun frowned. “Why did you say that? You’re been talking about dying a lot lately… please don’t be like that…” Jaejoong didn’t know how to reply. What was he supposed to tell Yoochun, an angel of death came to him the night before and made him realize he was in love with Yoochun all along?
Jaejoong sighed. “Fine. I’ll try to be nice.”
Yunho came back to the room with cans of drinks. He handed Jaejoong’s lemon juice and Jaejoong took it, smiling nicely to Yunho. Yoochun sighed in relief and took his drink. They started the conversation but Jaejoong mostly listened, before he finally stopped paying attention and trailed off with his own thoughts. Yunho was a nice person, but Jaejoong still felt the seeds of jealousy grew in his heart. He cursed Changmin for making him feel like that.
“Fu…”
“Hey, I just want to talk,” Changmin cut Jaejoong off before he could finish the sentence. “No rape attempt, no persuasion. Promise.”
“And I believe that, why?” Jaejoong asked sarcastically.
“I’m still an angel, even if it’s of death, I don’t lie,” Changmin shrugged and sat on the end of the bed, Jaejoong didn’t kick him off this time. “You will have to die after Christmas, you know, even if you put up a fight now. I can’t change fate, everything is written and I can’t give you more time than allowed. If I do, I’ll die. Might as well start using your time properly.”
Jaejoong sighed. “So I’d still have to die?”
Changmin nodded, “I can’t do anything about it.” Jaejoong sighed again and leaned to the wall behind his bed. What was he thinking? He got 6 months and he wasted a month already, not everyone can get such chance. Selfish, very selfish he had been. “So, wanna talk?” Jaejoong shook his head and tears started forming in his eyes. Changmin pulled him to a hug and let Jaejoong soak his sweater wet. When Jaejoong calmed down, he asked. “Will you be okay, alone?” Jaejoong nodded. “See you then.” Changmin got up and disappeared.
***
Yunho had been coming to visit Jaejoong everyday since, and Jaejoong kind of liked him if only he was not jealous of how close Yunho was with Yoochun. Still, Yunho was being genuinely nice so Jaejoong accepted Yunho’s friendship offer. Yunho brought new excitement to Jaejoong’s days, since he had a different personality from Yoochun and Jaejoong himself, adding colors to their routine. Sometimes Yunho brought cakes from his parent’s cake shop for Jaejoong and successfully make him smile, no matter how sucky the day had been.
Yoochun was more than happy to see Jaejoong’s approval of Yunho that he wasn’t aware of how Jaejoong had been trying to say goodbye to him. Jaejoong did talk about death more, and Yoochun said he was being pessimistic. He had no idea how to tell Yoochun goodbye and a part of him didn’t want to admit that he was going to die.
“Jaejoong-ah, say aaaah~” Yunho said as he scooped the cake from his plate and fed Jaejoong. Jaejoong took the bite then made a face. Yoochun laughed at the view. “Mango cheesecake.”
“YUCK!” Jaejoong stuck his tongue out and took a gulp of his lemon tea. “Mango is probably the worst fruit ever created!”
“Stop being such a baby, Jae,” Yoochun laughed and took the bite Yunho fed him. “Mango’s nice.”
Jaejoong pouted and looked outside the window to the summer sun. “Sunny, isn’t it?”
Yunho shrugged, “It’s July,” and fed Jaejoong with a spoon of strawberry cheesecake. “Want to walk outside?”
“YES!” Jaejoong got up excitedly and put his shoes on.
“Jaejoong…” Yoochun shook his head. Jaejoong ignored him and ran outside, so the other two followed. Jaejoong walked in front of them, keeping his eyes on the sky, and the other two walked side-by-side keeping an eye on him. He skipped around, enjoying the weather. That would be the last summer he would see, so he would enjoy it. “Sometimes I wonder how old you are,” Yoochun’s chuckle was followed by Yunho.
Jaejoong pouted. “I want to go to the sea~”
Yunho smiled, “So get well soon, then we can go together.”
Jaejoong smiled bitterly but he was sure Yunho didn’t notice. The doctor had even said Jaejoong needed transplant soon or he wouldn’t last long. He didn’t tell Yoochun about it because he knew he wouldn’t get any transplant no matter what. “I want ice creams~” he continued whining to hide the pain reflected in his eyes.
“Want me to buy you some?”
“No, I’ll go get my own. Thanks, Yunho,” Jaejoong said before running lightly to the cafeteria.
Yoochun shook his head and sighed, “That guy… what should I do Yunho?”
“He will be fine,” Yunho patted Yoochun’s head for support.
“He talks about dying and it scares me…” Yoochun shivered in horror.
“He’s just being pessimistic, but his condition was fine right? You don’t have to worry too much, Chunnie…”
“I guess…” Yoochun sighed.
“You’re not with Yoochun?” The cafeteria lady asked as she handed a cup of ice cream to Jaejoong.
“I left him behind,” Jaejoong took the cup and ate a spoonful of it immediately. “He’s with Yunho, another friend of mine.”
The cafeteria lady smiled, “Learning not to be dependant are you? You’re growing up.” Jaejoong stared at her in confusion. “The Jaejoong I knew before would never take a step out of his room without Yoochun, let alone buying ice cream by himself.”
“Ah…” Jaejoong nodded. Was he that dependant? He just didn’t want to be more burdens to Yoochun.
“I’m proud of you Jaejoong,” she said again and added an extra cherry to Jaejoong’s cup. Jaejoong grinned and bowed to her before going back to the park to find Yoochun.
“You didn’t buy me any?” Yoochun pouted.
Jaejoong shrugged. “Didn’t ask me to. Yunho can buy it for you~” Yunho nodded and went to the cafeteria.
“Jaejoong, what’s wrong?” Yoochun frowned.
“What?”
“You didn’t drag me along with you to the cafeteria. That was unusual.”
“I’m enough burden without dragging you along everywhere I go, Chunnie.”
“Don’t ever say that…”
Jaejoong shrugged, “It’s true,” and walked back to his room, leaving the confused Yoochun behind.
“So, how do you like Yunho?” Changmin’s voice distracted Jaejoong from his thoughts.
“He’s nice,” was all Jaejoong could answer.
“Jealous?” Changmin chuckled.
Jaejoong shrugged, “Have no right to be, I’m leaving Yoochun anyway.” Changmin sat next to him on the bed and put an arm around his shoulder. Jaejoong leaned to Changmin’s shoulder. They had been closer since Changmin stopped trying to grope him. Jaejoong thought if he could open up to Yunho, then why not to the angel God sent to take him? He needed a shoulder to lean on anyway. “What is it like up there?”
“Beautiful,” Changmin said. “And sometimes people are glad to be dead,” he chuckled. “It’s the beginning of new life, JaeJae. There are even people who meet their soulmate up there. People who had been limp can run, people who had been blind can see. People like you, who could never enjoy their life before, would be free of concerns. God is good, he really is.”
“What does it like to be an angel?”
“It hurts.” Jaejoong looked at Changmin with confusion. “You get to take away people’s life, be the one to see them for the last time. When you think of how painful it must have been for their loved ones… But everyone would have to die eventually.”
“Why did you do it then?”
“It’s my job, Jae.”
“But you said it hurts…”
“I get to grand their last wish, like how I gave you extra 6 months. Their smiles and a ‘thank you’ were worth the pain,” Changmin smiled. Jaejoong stared at Changmin in amusement, thinking maybe Changmin is kind-hearted, like how stories described angels. Changmin was perfect, an angel, great looks, those lips… Jaejoong stared at his lips and remembered their kiss when they first met. Changmin caught him staring and he blushed. “What?” Changmin chuckled.
Jaejoong didn’t know what he was thinking, or maybe he didn’t think, when he closed the gap between him and Changmin with a quick kiss. Changmin’s eyes widened and he stared at Jaejoong’s pink cheeks. He leaned forward after a moment, not sure if Jaejoong wanted the kiss, but Jaejoong took the initiative and pressed their lips together. The kiss was soft, unlike the kiss Changmin stole, and Jaejoong melted in Changmin’s arm. Changmin’s hands moved to Jaejoong’s wait to pull him closer and deepened the kiss as Jaejoong’s fingers tangled on Changmin’s hair.
Jaejoong opened his mouth to let Changmin’s tongue in. He lowered himself to the bed, pulling Changmin along until he was on top of Jaejoong. Tongue twisting, both moaned and everything went white. Changmin suddenly gasped and pulled away, and the two stayed starred at each other while catching their breaths. “What?” Jaejoong demanded when his breath steadied.
“This… my god, Jaejoong.” Changmin sat up to the end of the bed and gathered his breath. “I swear your kiss will be the death of me someday.” Jaejoong laughed and hugged Changmin from behind. “What happen to Yoochun now?”
Jaejoong buried his face on Changmin’s neck. “Will I be able to see you in heaven?”
“Not most of the time, but yes.”
Jaejoong sighed, the breath on Changmin’s neck sent chills down his spine. “You won't leave me, right? I can’t make it alone, without Yoochun, without you…”
“So I’m Yoochun’s substitute now?” Changmin chuckled, but there was bitterness in his voice.
“No,” Jaejoong said immediately. “No, you’re not… I’m selfish, remember?”
Changmin laughed. “Yes, you are,” he said as he turned around and kissed Jaejoong one more time. “See you tomorrow. Rest well.” Changmin tucked Jaejoong to his bed and disappeared.
***
4 months before Christmas
They kissed, Yoochun and Yunho. Jaejoong was looking outside his window to the park below his room and there they were. Yunho had his hands cupping Yoochun’s cheeks and Yoochun’s arms were loosely around Yunho’s waist. He was not surprised, but it hurt. The kiss was sweet and Jaejoong knew Yunho’s feeling towards Yoochun was genuine. He thought he could let it go but his heart felt like it was about to explode, so he closed the curtain, curled in his bed, and cried.
His eyes were red and swollen by the time Yoochun and Yunho got into his room. Yoochun immediately hugged him and asked why he was crying. Jaejoong didn’t say anything and continued crying. He caught Yunho staring at him with guilt and it made him cried harder. He had been selfish for crying when he had no right to be jealous and now he hurt Yunho. Yoochun sighed and patted Jaejoong’s hair, as Yunho went out of the room to buy them drinks.
“Why are you crying, JaeJae, won’t you tell me?” Yoochun asked and wiped the tears off Jaejoong’s cheeks. Jaejoong shook his head and tried to calm down but the tears wouldn’t stop. “But you tell me everything. Why won’t you tell me this time?”
Jaejoong sighed. He knew Yoochun wouldn’t stop asking until he said something. “I’m afraid to die,” he finally answered, which was only partially true. “I don’t want to lose you, lose Yunho… I don’t want to die.”
“You’re not going to die, Jae,” Yoochun said firmly. “You’re not leaving me behind.” It was a command, and Jaejoong smiled bitterly at it. That one command from Yoochun was the only one Jaejoong could not fulfill.
Jaejoong was asleep by the time Changmin arrived that night. He noticed Jaejoong’s damp eyes and sighed. That was unfair, Changmin thought. Jaejoong was so young and beautiful, yet he had never really lived his life. Changmin had taken babies to heaven, but those babies were too small to even feel sad about it. He had taken elders who had lived their life and could let go without difficulty. He had taken ambitious young adults, but he didn’t feel guilty about it as they were wasting their life to chase after wealth. He had taken reckless teenagers who lived their life to the fullest, but didn’t feel guilty because those teenagers had had their fun time.
Jaejoong was different. He was born with the disease, he never had the chance to recklessly speed his motorbike on the highway or waste his life chasing fortunes. Jaejoong was a blank canvas; he had never really get the chance to fill that canvas with colors. The canvas was plain white and it hurt Changmin to see Jaejoong’s colorless life. It was unfair for Jaejoong to die so young and…clean.
Jaejoong’s sleeping face was so peaceful, so beautiful that Changmin hoped when he died Jaejoong could be trained to be an angel. He climbed to the bed behind Jaejoong and spooned him from behind. Jaejoong stirred and smiled without opening his eyes as he cuddled closer to Changmin. “Have you been crying?” Jaejoong nodded and buried his face of Changmin’s chest. “Why?”
Jaejoong sighed. “I saw Yunho and Yoochun kissing today.”
Changmin kissed the top of Jaejoong’s head. “Did it hurt?”
“A lot, and I lied about it to Yoochun saying I cried because I don’t want to die. He sort of commanded me not to die, then I cried harder.”
Changmin chuckled and tightened his hold on Jaejoong. “Yoochun prayed every night for you to heal.”
“Did he?” Jaejoong looked up to Changmin, amused. “Are they going to make his wish come true?”
Changmin shrugged, “I’m still here, aren’t I?” Jaejoong pouted and leaned back to Changmin’s chest. “God is unpredictable. Who knows what he had planned.” Jaejoong nodded but didn’t say anything. “Now close your eyes. I’ll be here until you’re asleep.” Jaejoong did what Changmin told him to do and soon sleep claimed him.
***
PART 2
Pairing: BFF!JaeChun, JaeMin, YunChun
Genre: Romance, Angst
Rating: R
Length: Two-Shots
Disclaimer: I don't own DBSK :(
Warning: Language, Supernatural, Lots of conversations
A/N: Merry Christmas! This is my Christmas gift for all of you :D It's a bit late, sorry!
( Russian ver: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 )
( Spanish ver: here )
23.12.10 | The Year Without Santa
Jaejoong knew he was going to die, but he wasn’t sure of when. His 15 years of life had not been very memorable and Jaejoong didn’t mind leaving his boring life at all. He was born with a weak heart and most of his life he had stayed in the hospital. He knew the hospital room better than his own bedroom at home and the doctors had to keep a close eye on Jaejoong in case his condition dropped. Jaejoong never complained about not being able to do what other kids do; he felt like he never had the purpose for living so might as well die, if only it were not for Park Yoochun.
Jaejoong had only Yoochun, his best friend since he was still on diapers. Jaejoong’s parents were rich and busy; they could pay for his treatments, but rarely have the time to accompany him the whole day. They only visit at night for couple of hours, and Jaejoong knew they have given up the hope that Jaejoong would heal someday. His other friends were kids who once stayed on the hospital but once they were healed and released, Jaejoong would lose contact with them. He had attended school until he was 9 but then quit and did home schooling instead.
Yoochun would visit Jaejoong every day after school and stay until his or Jaejoong’s mother come to bring them dinner. On weekends, Yoochun would come to Jaejoong’s room right after his piano lesson. Sometimes Jaejoong thought Yoochun was wasting his time for staying with him but when he said it, Yoochun slapped him and said he would never leave Jaejoong alone. Jaejoong laughed at that, saying Yoochun was being stupid and that he would die before Yoochun anyway but he gained another slap so he just let Yoochun do whatever he wants. Without realizing it, Park Yoochun had been Jaejoong’s reason of surviving.
***
6 months before Christmas
June 4th, Yoochun’s 15th birthday, they had celebrated it on Jaejoong’s hospital room like the years before. Yoochun had given Jaejoong a black PSP on his birthday on January, so Jaejoong had asked his mother to buy Yoochun a matching one in white so they could play together. Yoochun hugged him and kissed his cheeks when he opened his present. They spent the rest of the day playing their new PSP together and Jaejoong thought he had the best day of his life.
“Thank you, JaeJae,” Yoochun kissed his cheeks once again and tucked him to bed before he went home. Jaejoong smiled and hugged his best friend tighter than usual. He had a bad feeling and his heart ached a little when Yoochun left, he was not sure if the ache was from being alone in his hospital room or from his condition. Jaejoong laid in his bed in darkness, staring at the ceiling, and for the first time he asked God to heal him.
“Jaejoong,” warm lips touched Jaejoong’s earlobes and woke him up. Jaejoong opened his eyes and gasped as he found a tall figure standing next to him, with black wings and black clothes. The man was extremely gorgeous, if only Jaejoong’s mind were not clouded with fear. He was wearing a simple black v-neck sweater and black jeans with black leather boots. His hair was messy brunette and he looked like he was on his late 20s. Jaejoong cursed, his bad feelings had been right. “Hey,” the man whispered with a grin. “Does it hurt?” Jaejoong frowned, but then a familiar pain shot trough his heart. He sat up with both hands clutching on his chest and soon he was sweating from trying to endure the pain, panting. “Do you want me to release you from the pain?” the man offered.
“NO!” Jaejoong managed to gasp. “No, I don’t want to leave… I won’t leave Yoochun…” he groaned. Somehow the pain had been unbearable, much more painful than the attacks he had experienced before.
“Ah, too bad,” the man swiped a finger down Jaejoong’s face to his chest, stopped, pointing at Jaejoong’s painful heart. “This heart is useless, you know. That life you’re living, it’s useless. Why would you stay? Heaven is so much better~” The man grinned and when he pulled his finger away, the pain in Jaejoong’s heart disappeared. “Yah…why won’t you come with me, JaeJae?”
Jaejoong looked at the man with widened eyes. “Because Yoochun will be sad if I leave…”
The man scoffed. “So? Life moves on and sooner or later you will be just a memory.” Jaejoong frowned at the words; he didn’t want to be just a memory, especially not to Yoochun. “He will be fine without you.” Jaejoong lowered his gaze to the bed; it is true that Yoochun would be fine without him. Yoochun’s smart, good-looking and was perfectly healthy; life would be great for him. “Do you know Yoochun doesn’t hang out with his schoolmates outside school because he has to see you everyday?” the man continued. “His schoolmates talked about it you know, how he cared too much about this dying boy. That boy is such a burden for Yoochun.”
It was Jaejoong’s turn to scoff. “You don’t think I know that? I told him he was wasting his time. He said he would never leave me, I believe in him.”
The man grinned, “I should have taken you away tonight, but I guess I could wait. I’ll be leaving tonight, consider it a present for Yoochun.” Seeing Jaejoong’s terrified face the man added, “Then I will give you time until Christmas Eve to say goodbye. 6 months is enough right?”
“But…” Jaejoong’s protest was swallowed by a deep kiss. The man tasted sweet and Jaejoong melted into his lips, wondering why death had tasted that amazing.
“I’ll be back tomorrow night~” the man said with a smile before disappearing into thin air.
“…that was my first kiss, asshole,” Jaejoong pouted.
***
“Then he… JaeJae, are you listening to me?” Yoochun waved his hands in front of Jaejoong’s face, pulling him back to reality.
“Sorry, Chunnie…What did you say?”
“What’s bothering you, JaeJae?” Yoochun smiled and cupped Jaejoong’s face.
“Nothing, I…” Jaejoong turned away to avoid Yoochun’s gaze. “When I’m gone, what will you do?”
Yoochun frowned at the question and took Jaejoong’s hand. “Move on.” Jaejoong knew he would say that and a single tear dropped on the side of his face. Yoochun had always been the strong one when Jaejoong was the fragile one, of course he will move on. “But our routine will not stop,” he continued, wiping the tear off Jae’s cheek. “I will still visit you every day. I will still tell you everything. I promise I will never forget you.”
Jaejoong smiled, despite his aching heart. “Thank you, Chunnie,” he kissed Yoochun’s cheek. “So, what did you say earlier?”
Yoochun shook his head and handed Jaejoong his PSP, “Let’s just play, kay?” Jaejoong smiled and took the PSP.
“Fuck off,” Jaejoong said as soon as he saw the man from the previous night standing next to his bed. Jaejoong hadn’t been sleeping that night, he was waiting for the man to appear and tell him he would never want to leave Yoochun ever.
“Oh, such language! If you keep talking like that you might not get to heaven, you know,” the man laughed and sat at the edge of Jaejoong’s bed. Jaejoong kicked him off where he was sitting and the man snarled at him.
“I’m NOT going to die. And you said you’ll give me 6 months, why are you here, Mr. Demon?” Jaejoong scowled.
“I’m not a demon, okay, I’m a grim reaper and I have a name. They call me Choikang Changmin. I did give you 6 months, but it doesn’t mean you won’t change your mind anytime soon, that’s why I’m here.”
Jaejoong scoffed, “You’re trying to kill me, of course you are a demon. And, Choikang?” he raised an eyebrow.
“I’m the best grim reaper up there,” Changmin grinned. “I never fail a single mission.”
“I’m gonna prove them wrong,” Jaejoong laughed sarcastically.
Changmin smirked, “How exactly will you do that, JaeJae?” He climbed to the bed and straddled Jaejoong’s waist with his knees, cupping Jaejoong’s cheeks. Changmin leaned closer to push their lips together but Jaejoong covered his mouth before Changmin reached his lips, making the older man laugh.
“Only Yoochun can call me JaeJae!” Jaejoong scowled, trying to push Changmin away but the other man was too strong. “And that was my first kiss you stole last night, pedo!”
Changmin laughed again, “Lucky me~”
“What does you trying to rape me have anything to do with you trying to convince me to die?”
“It’s going to be so amazing you won’t realize you’re already dead,” Changmin kissed Jaejoong’s jaw. “Just kidding, you looked so good I wanted to get a taste.”
Jaejoong pushed Changmin with difficulty and jumped off the bed. “I’m not going anywhere!” he walked to the window and looked at the full moon. He sighed, “My life might seem meaningless to you, but every second I spend with Yoochun means the world to me.”
“Very selfish, JaeJae,” Changmin said, still sitting on the bed. “Very, very selfish…”
“I know,” Jaejoong sighed.
“You can’t fight fate, you know. Everybody has to die.”
“I know.”
“If I were you I would give up and let Yoochun have his life.”
“I know. Fortunately you’re not me.”
Arms wrapped around Jaejoong’s middle from behind and lips were glued to his neck. “I can show you heaven.”
“I don’t mind hell as long as Yoochun’s with me.”
“What is so special about Yoochun?” Jaejoong shrugged but didn’t reply. He had no answer to that, everything? Nothing? Or is it because Yoochun’s his best friend he mattered the most? But he’s only a best friend, isn’t he? Or…no… he is not in love with Yoochun, right? “Figured the answer?” Jaejoong could feel Changmin’s smirk on his neck. Fuck, could it be?
“Shit,” Jaejoong cursed.
The wrap on Jaejoong’s waist soon loosened. “See you,” Changmin said and disappeared before Jaejoong could say anything.
***
5 months before Christmas
Yoochun came to Jaejoong’s room as usual that day, but he wasn’t alone. Jaejoong stared at the tall figure behind Yoochun, an extremely good-looking guy with tan skin, and frowned. “JaeJae!” Yoochun hugged him and kissed his cheeks while Jaejoong didn’t move his gaze from the guy. “I brought Yunho today, he’s my best friend at school. He said he would like to meet you, would that be okay if he stays with us today?”
Yunho smiled at him, slightly bowing he introduced himself, “Hello, my name is Yunho, Yoochun’s friend. Nice to meet you.” Jaejoong didn’t say anything and kept glaring.
Yoochun noticed, “Yunho, can you buy us drinks? Jaejoong likes lemon and I want strawberry. The vending machine is just down the hall.” Yunho nodded and went out of the room. “Hey, Yunho was just trying to be nice. It won’t hurt to know more people right, JaeJae?”
Jaejoong rolled his eyes, “Of course it will. More friends mean more people who will cry for me when I die and I hate it. But maybe it’s okay, he can be my replacement when I’m gone, right?”
Yoochun frowned. “Why did you say that? You’re been talking about dying a lot lately… please don’t be like that…” Jaejoong didn’t know how to reply. What was he supposed to tell Yoochun, an angel of death came to him the night before and made him realize he was in love with Yoochun all along?
Jaejoong sighed. “Fine. I’ll try to be nice.”
Yunho came back to the room with cans of drinks. He handed Jaejoong’s lemon juice and Jaejoong took it, smiling nicely to Yunho. Yoochun sighed in relief and took his drink. They started the conversation but Jaejoong mostly listened, before he finally stopped paying attention and trailed off with his own thoughts. Yunho was a nice person, but Jaejoong still felt the seeds of jealousy grew in his heart. He cursed Changmin for making him feel like that.
“Fu…”
“Hey, I just want to talk,” Changmin cut Jaejoong off before he could finish the sentence. “No rape attempt, no persuasion. Promise.”
“And I believe that, why?” Jaejoong asked sarcastically.
“I’m still an angel, even if it’s of death, I don’t lie,” Changmin shrugged and sat on the end of the bed, Jaejoong didn’t kick him off this time. “You will have to die after Christmas, you know, even if you put up a fight now. I can’t change fate, everything is written and I can’t give you more time than allowed. If I do, I’ll die. Might as well start using your time properly.”
Jaejoong sighed. “So I’d still have to die?”
Changmin nodded, “I can’t do anything about it.” Jaejoong sighed again and leaned to the wall behind his bed. What was he thinking? He got 6 months and he wasted a month already, not everyone can get such chance. Selfish, very selfish he had been. “So, wanna talk?” Jaejoong shook his head and tears started forming in his eyes. Changmin pulled him to a hug and let Jaejoong soak his sweater wet. When Jaejoong calmed down, he asked. “Will you be okay, alone?” Jaejoong nodded. “See you then.” Changmin got up and disappeared.
***
Yunho had been coming to visit Jaejoong everyday since, and Jaejoong kind of liked him if only he was not jealous of how close Yunho was with Yoochun. Still, Yunho was being genuinely nice so Jaejoong accepted Yunho’s friendship offer. Yunho brought new excitement to Jaejoong’s days, since he had a different personality from Yoochun and Jaejoong himself, adding colors to their routine. Sometimes Yunho brought cakes from his parent’s cake shop for Jaejoong and successfully make him smile, no matter how sucky the day had been.
Yoochun was more than happy to see Jaejoong’s approval of Yunho that he wasn’t aware of how Jaejoong had been trying to say goodbye to him. Jaejoong did talk about death more, and Yoochun said he was being pessimistic. He had no idea how to tell Yoochun goodbye and a part of him didn’t want to admit that he was going to die.
“Jaejoong-ah, say aaaah~” Yunho said as he scooped the cake from his plate and fed Jaejoong. Jaejoong took the bite then made a face. Yoochun laughed at the view. “Mango cheesecake.”
“YUCK!” Jaejoong stuck his tongue out and took a gulp of his lemon tea. “Mango is probably the worst fruit ever created!”
“Stop being such a baby, Jae,” Yoochun laughed and took the bite Yunho fed him. “Mango’s nice.”
Jaejoong pouted and looked outside the window to the summer sun. “Sunny, isn’t it?”
Yunho shrugged, “It’s July,” and fed Jaejoong with a spoon of strawberry cheesecake. “Want to walk outside?”
“YES!” Jaejoong got up excitedly and put his shoes on.
“Jaejoong…” Yoochun shook his head. Jaejoong ignored him and ran outside, so the other two followed. Jaejoong walked in front of them, keeping his eyes on the sky, and the other two walked side-by-side keeping an eye on him. He skipped around, enjoying the weather. That would be the last summer he would see, so he would enjoy it. “Sometimes I wonder how old you are,” Yoochun’s chuckle was followed by Yunho.
Jaejoong pouted. “I want to go to the sea~”
Yunho smiled, “So get well soon, then we can go together.”
Jaejoong smiled bitterly but he was sure Yunho didn’t notice. The doctor had even said Jaejoong needed transplant soon or he wouldn’t last long. He didn’t tell Yoochun about it because he knew he wouldn’t get any transplant no matter what. “I want ice creams~” he continued whining to hide the pain reflected in his eyes.
“Want me to buy you some?”
“No, I’ll go get my own. Thanks, Yunho,” Jaejoong said before running lightly to the cafeteria.
Yoochun shook his head and sighed, “That guy… what should I do Yunho?”
“He will be fine,” Yunho patted Yoochun’s head for support.
“He talks about dying and it scares me…” Yoochun shivered in horror.
“He’s just being pessimistic, but his condition was fine right? You don’t have to worry too much, Chunnie…”
“I guess…” Yoochun sighed.
“You’re not with Yoochun?” The cafeteria lady asked as she handed a cup of ice cream to Jaejoong.
“I left him behind,” Jaejoong took the cup and ate a spoonful of it immediately. “He’s with Yunho, another friend of mine.”
The cafeteria lady smiled, “Learning not to be dependant are you? You’re growing up.” Jaejoong stared at her in confusion. “The Jaejoong I knew before would never take a step out of his room without Yoochun, let alone buying ice cream by himself.”
“Ah…” Jaejoong nodded. Was he that dependant? He just didn’t want to be more burdens to Yoochun.
“I’m proud of you Jaejoong,” she said again and added an extra cherry to Jaejoong’s cup. Jaejoong grinned and bowed to her before going back to the park to find Yoochun.
“You didn’t buy me any?” Yoochun pouted.
Jaejoong shrugged. “Didn’t ask me to. Yunho can buy it for you~” Yunho nodded and went to the cafeteria.
“Jaejoong, what’s wrong?” Yoochun frowned.
“What?”
“You didn’t drag me along with you to the cafeteria. That was unusual.”
“I’m enough burden without dragging you along everywhere I go, Chunnie.”
“Don’t ever say that…”
Jaejoong shrugged, “It’s true,” and walked back to his room, leaving the confused Yoochun behind.
“So, how do you like Yunho?” Changmin’s voice distracted Jaejoong from his thoughts.
“He’s nice,” was all Jaejoong could answer.
“Jealous?” Changmin chuckled.
Jaejoong shrugged, “Have no right to be, I’m leaving Yoochun anyway.” Changmin sat next to him on the bed and put an arm around his shoulder. Jaejoong leaned to Changmin’s shoulder. They had been closer since Changmin stopped trying to grope him. Jaejoong thought if he could open up to Yunho, then why not to the angel God sent to take him? He needed a shoulder to lean on anyway. “What is it like up there?”
“Beautiful,” Changmin said. “And sometimes people are glad to be dead,” he chuckled. “It’s the beginning of new life, JaeJae. There are even people who meet their soulmate up there. People who had been limp can run, people who had been blind can see. People like you, who could never enjoy their life before, would be free of concerns. God is good, he really is.”
“What does it like to be an angel?”
“It hurts.” Jaejoong looked at Changmin with confusion. “You get to take away people’s life, be the one to see them for the last time. When you think of how painful it must have been for their loved ones… But everyone would have to die eventually.”
“Why did you do it then?”
“It’s my job, Jae.”
“But you said it hurts…”
“I get to grand their last wish, like how I gave you extra 6 months. Their smiles and a ‘thank you’ were worth the pain,” Changmin smiled. Jaejoong stared at Changmin in amusement, thinking maybe Changmin is kind-hearted, like how stories described angels. Changmin was perfect, an angel, great looks, those lips… Jaejoong stared at his lips and remembered their kiss when they first met. Changmin caught him staring and he blushed. “What?” Changmin chuckled.
Jaejoong didn’t know what he was thinking, or maybe he didn’t think, when he closed the gap between him and Changmin with a quick kiss. Changmin’s eyes widened and he stared at Jaejoong’s pink cheeks. He leaned forward after a moment, not sure if Jaejoong wanted the kiss, but Jaejoong took the initiative and pressed their lips together. The kiss was soft, unlike the kiss Changmin stole, and Jaejoong melted in Changmin’s arm. Changmin’s hands moved to Jaejoong’s wait to pull him closer and deepened the kiss as Jaejoong’s fingers tangled on Changmin’s hair.
Jaejoong opened his mouth to let Changmin’s tongue in. He lowered himself to the bed, pulling Changmin along until he was on top of Jaejoong. Tongue twisting, both moaned and everything went white. Changmin suddenly gasped and pulled away, and the two stayed starred at each other while catching their breaths. “What?” Jaejoong demanded when his breath steadied.
“This… my god, Jaejoong.” Changmin sat up to the end of the bed and gathered his breath. “I swear your kiss will be the death of me someday.” Jaejoong laughed and hugged Changmin from behind. “What happen to Yoochun now?”
Jaejoong buried his face on Changmin’s neck. “Will I be able to see you in heaven?”
“Not most of the time, but yes.”
Jaejoong sighed, the breath on Changmin’s neck sent chills down his spine. “You won't leave me, right? I can’t make it alone, without Yoochun, without you…”
“So I’m Yoochun’s substitute now?” Changmin chuckled, but there was bitterness in his voice.
“No,” Jaejoong said immediately. “No, you’re not… I’m selfish, remember?”
Changmin laughed. “Yes, you are,” he said as he turned around and kissed Jaejoong one more time. “See you tomorrow. Rest well.” Changmin tucked Jaejoong to his bed and disappeared.
***
4 months before Christmas
They kissed, Yoochun and Yunho. Jaejoong was looking outside his window to the park below his room and there they were. Yunho had his hands cupping Yoochun’s cheeks and Yoochun’s arms were loosely around Yunho’s waist. He was not surprised, but it hurt. The kiss was sweet and Jaejoong knew Yunho’s feeling towards Yoochun was genuine. He thought he could let it go but his heart felt like it was about to explode, so he closed the curtain, curled in his bed, and cried.
His eyes were red and swollen by the time Yoochun and Yunho got into his room. Yoochun immediately hugged him and asked why he was crying. Jaejoong didn’t say anything and continued crying. He caught Yunho staring at him with guilt and it made him cried harder. He had been selfish for crying when he had no right to be jealous and now he hurt Yunho. Yoochun sighed and patted Jaejoong’s hair, as Yunho went out of the room to buy them drinks.
“Why are you crying, JaeJae, won’t you tell me?” Yoochun asked and wiped the tears off Jaejoong’s cheeks. Jaejoong shook his head and tried to calm down but the tears wouldn’t stop. “But you tell me everything. Why won’t you tell me this time?”
Jaejoong sighed. He knew Yoochun wouldn’t stop asking until he said something. “I’m afraid to die,” he finally answered, which was only partially true. “I don’t want to lose you, lose Yunho… I don’t want to die.”
“You’re not going to die, Jae,” Yoochun said firmly. “You’re not leaving me behind.” It was a command, and Jaejoong smiled bitterly at it. That one command from Yoochun was the only one Jaejoong could not fulfill.
Jaejoong was asleep by the time Changmin arrived that night. He noticed Jaejoong’s damp eyes and sighed. That was unfair, Changmin thought. Jaejoong was so young and beautiful, yet he had never really lived his life. Changmin had taken babies to heaven, but those babies were too small to even feel sad about it. He had taken elders who had lived their life and could let go without difficulty. He had taken ambitious young adults, but he didn’t feel guilty about it as they were wasting their life to chase after wealth. He had taken reckless teenagers who lived their life to the fullest, but didn’t feel guilty because those teenagers had had their fun time.
Jaejoong was different. He was born with the disease, he never had the chance to recklessly speed his motorbike on the highway or waste his life chasing fortunes. Jaejoong was a blank canvas; he had never really get the chance to fill that canvas with colors. The canvas was plain white and it hurt Changmin to see Jaejoong’s colorless life. It was unfair for Jaejoong to die so young and…clean.
Jaejoong’s sleeping face was so peaceful, so beautiful that Changmin hoped when he died Jaejoong could be trained to be an angel. He climbed to the bed behind Jaejoong and spooned him from behind. Jaejoong stirred and smiled without opening his eyes as he cuddled closer to Changmin. “Have you been crying?” Jaejoong nodded and buried his face of Changmin’s chest. “Why?”
Jaejoong sighed. “I saw Yunho and Yoochun kissing today.”
Changmin kissed the top of Jaejoong’s head. “Did it hurt?”
“A lot, and I lied about it to Yoochun saying I cried because I don’t want to die. He sort of commanded me not to die, then I cried harder.”
Changmin chuckled and tightened his hold on Jaejoong. “Yoochun prayed every night for you to heal.”
“Did he?” Jaejoong looked up to Changmin, amused. “Are they going to make his wish come true?”
Changmin shrugged, “I’m still here, aren’t I?” Jaejoong pouted and leaned back to Changmin’s chest. “God is unpredictable. Who knows what he had planned.” Jaejoong nodded but didn’t say anything. “Now close your eyes. I’ll be here until you’re asleep.” Jaejoong did what Changmin told him to do and soon sleep claimed him.
***
PART 2