Reset
Title: Reset [6/11]
Pairings: Kris/Lay, (mention) Kai/Lay, (mention) Baekhyun/Kris
Genre: AU, angst, fluff
Warning: un-beta-ed
Rating: Pg-13
Wordcount: 4,192
Summary:
An early relationship blooms but as time progresses, they find
themselves drifting apart. A Christmas of fate changing, will it be
enough to save Yifan and Yixing's relationship?
Proloug | I | II | III | IV | VI | VII | VIII | IX | X
(Disclaimer: I do not own Yixing or Kris or frankly anyone else mentioned in this.
This is also, to some point, loosely based on the concept of the Christmas movie
"Three Days.")
December 19, 2012
Day 5
Half of the given time was gone and there had been very little progress. Patience was not something that he was horrible with but this was a special case. It mean a lot to him, it meant a lot to the sleeping Yixing, and it would mean a lot to Yifan if he would stop resisting. Patience, it was wearing thin and he had just about had it. Bending the rules wouldn’t hurt anyone, not really, and if anything it would be just what they needed to get to where they should have been.
He almost laughed when the idea of comparing what he was doing to A Christmas Carol came to mind. He never really did like that movie.
In his dream, Yifan was living happily by the sea. Though, he wasn’t alone. Someone, he didn’t know who, was also living with him and they made him extremely happy. The problem with the dream was that he had no clue to tell him who the person was or how they had met. They were just there and he just had the feelings for them that he did. It was simple and he didn’t want to question it.
The dream was cut short as someone shook him awake. Through the haze of grogginess that covered him from head to toe, Yifan was only able to make out that someone was sitting on his bed next to him. He groaned as he caught sight of the clock in the room, it wasn’t even seven in the morning. Why had he been woken up?
“Yixing go back to sleep. It’s too early.”
“Funny you thought it was him and not Baekhyun.”
Any yearn to go to back to sleep left Yifan the moment that he heard the voice, it wasn’t Yixing’s voice. It was far too deep for it to be Yixing, but he did know someone whose voice was that deep: Chanyeol. The quilt that had been covering him fell onto his lap as he sat up and came face to face with a grinning Chanyeol.
“Good morning.”
“Get out.”
A chuckle from Chanyeol.
“That’s no way to treat the person who’s going to help you. Be nice.”
“Out. I told you I’m fine, so go away.”
The look Chanyeol was gave him made Yifan want to hide under the covers. It seemed like Chanyeol wasn’t going to leave until he got something across. He could always just play along and Chanyeol wouldn’t be any wiser. He could probably get rid of him that much faster too. The more he thought about it, the better that plan sounded.
“It’s not going to work. What you’re doing now, what you plan to do. You’re just going to end up where you were before and it’s only going to hurt a hell of a lot more because you’d have wasted your one chance to fix it.”
“Well what do you want me to do?”
Yifan was slightly terrified of the smile that adorned Chanyeol’s lips. He looked like a mad man and he regretted asking him what it was that he could do.
“Let it out.”
“Let what out?”
“What you’ve been holding in: the hurt, the sorrow, the urge to yell and hit something. Come on, just let it all out.”
It was then that Yifan decided that it was far too early to play around and as far as he knew Chanyeol was speaking nonsense. He was completely fine.
“Why do you glare at Kai when you see him, scowl when he dares to approach you, why do you still harbor a feeling of loathing towards him when you said you were okay?”
He stayed quiet. Chanyeol knew he had hit a nerve and he was only going to continue to push it until he got what he wanted.
“What about when you see Yixing close to him. Why do you get upset if you don’t care? Why do you tense up whenever you see that Yixing is touching Kai, even when his role calls for it? Why are you so tense right now?”
Yifan kept his gaze away from Chanyeol. He opted to stare at the door, it was a safe point.
“Does it still hurt to know that once upon a time he was only yours and then just like that you had to share him? Does it burn to know that while you were with him, he may have been thinking of another? How deep does the thought of his calling out someone else’s name, wanting someone else inside of him, cut into you?”
He was pushing it but it needed to be done. It was a do or die tactic and judging from the way Yifan continued to tense up, he was wining.
“How about now? When he wants you to notice him, when he held your hand today, how ab-”
“Stop.”
He won.
“Why? I mean if it doesn’t bother you then it should be something easy to talk about right? All in the past and what not.”
He only had to push a little more.
“I said stop.”
“Not until you tell me why a small part of you, as small the Grinch’s heart probably was at some point, want to comfort Yixing when he screamed and came in here to make sure you’re okay?”
There was a heaviness that was overwhelming, Yifan. It was a feeling he had been sure had left him long ago. He disliked this feeling much more now than he had when it had first appeared.
“I still hurts doesn’t it? It’s why you put the space between you and Yixing, why you avoid any contact with him unless it’s here. Baekhyun is an escape but you don’t really want it do you? You said ‘I forgive you’ after a week of begging done on Yixing’s part but you never really did forgive. Empty words aren’t pretty, Yifan.”
It took a Yifan a moment to figure out if he wanted to talk or to just hit Chanyeol. He had never been violent before and he still wasn’t, it was just that there were special circumstances in which a certain someone didn’t know when to shut up. The grin on his face wasn’t making it any easier to choose to talk instead.
“I did forgive him.”
“You say you did.”
“I have. I’ve moved on and look, I’m really a lot happier now. I’m moving out of here in a few days and Yixing is moving in with Tao. We won’t see each other and so it’ll be easier to move on with our lives. End of story.”
“Yeah, except you know… the part where Yixing gets hit by a car and dies. It’s all fine and dandy, do you want some brandy? Maybe you’re the kind that needs to be drunk to get things out.”
“I have nothing to get out. I’m fine.”
A smirk and Yifan swore he made a move towards Chanyeol.
“That’s not what your actions say. Have you ever heard that actions speak louder than words? They do and right now you’re telling me that you want to hit me as hard as you can to get me to shut up because, this right here, is something you’ve wanted to avoid for as long as you possibly could. Confronted with it, you’ve become a coward that has fallen back on violence as your form of protection. Am I right?”
Kris really didn’t like Chanyeol.
“Get out now.”
There was a small box tucked away within himself. A box that’s sole purpose was to make sure that anything too strong for Yifan to handle was kept away from him, there was a lock on the box and at the moment Chanyeol had pick the lock off and was only teasing him with opening it. Yifan was scared of what would come when the box would be opened.
“Wo ai ni, Yifan. Forever.”
“Wo ai ni, Yifan. Forever.”
Yixing had a bit of the chocolate cake that he had been eating on his cheek. He found it adorable and almost felt bad when he reached over and wiped it off. His hand was caught by Yixing’s and for a moment Yifan thought he forgot to breath.
“What if I wanted that there.”
That moment passed all too quickly and soon enough he was laughing whole heartedly at Yixing’s comment.
“You’d look ridiculous and I’m not going to let my boyfriend walk around with chocolate cake on his cheek. How did that even get there?”
“I don’t know but it was there. I mean it you know. I don’t think I’ll love anyone, well other than my parents, as much as I love you.”
“Wo ai ni, Yixing.”
“How did-”
“The first character of your names play on the stars… do you think it means something?”
Suddenly, he was back in high school. Yixing walking next to him as they walked back after seeing a movie, mindless conversation had gone on but that particular statement had stayed with him. The look of endearment and complete air of shyness that Yixing managed to maintain that night had been found as endearing by him. As time had gone on the shyness disappeared and they became more open with displays of affection, kissing being the hardest to get to.
“Stop.”
“Have I ever told you I-”
And then it was too much. There was a scream and he wasn’t sure if the pillow had already been on the floor or if he had thrown it and plainly missed Chanyeol.
“Let it out because you’re not going to be fine if you keep it locked in. I can play the role of a ghost from a Christmas Carol and take you to see your past, present, and future but I don’t think you need that. Yifan, stop being stupid and let it out because you’re going to lose him in five days for good. Don’t lose him before that like you did last time.”
And then he was gone. He was mad, why had Chanyeol left right then and there, why had he opened a box that had been secure for so long? It wasn’t fair. He had been fine, or at least he had made himself believe that he was fine.
“Yifan.”
A cold shiver went through him as he heard the voice. Yixing, the light sleeper that he was, had probably woken up when he screamed. He had probably been confused for a moment which was why it had taken him this long to get to his room but he had been able to deduce that it was Yifan who had screamed. Yixing, who was innocent, would bear the burden of having a rather hurt, irritated, and sleepy Yifan address him.
Whether it was fair or not wasn’t important. The fact was that he was done with having Chanyeol prod around his life, tired of being hateful towards someone that he barely knew; jealous of the fact that said person he loathed had been able to find what he had lost.
“His name is Kai, at least that’s his stage name. His real name is Kim Jongin.”
But he already knew that. He knew everything that Yixing was either telling him or going to tell him. Being good with computers didn’t come without its perks or misfortunes in this case.
“… I’ve…”
“You’ve what?”
There was pain in Yixing’s eyes, and he was mad. Why was Yixing hurting when he had been happily gallivanting around with Jongin, had willingly given himself to the younger male and chosen to keep it a secret. It should be him, Wu Yifan, that should be hurting more than anything not Zhang Yixing.
“I’ve been…seeing him for a few months now.”
He didn’t hear himself, his own voice was a miniscule sound in the background. He did however see the hurt and fear in Yixing’s eyes, the first tear that had managed to escape.
“No, Yifan. I’m sorry. I stopped. He didn’t mean anything.”
It burned. It burned to the point where he wasn’t sure if he had been set on fire or not but the touch Yixing had placed set of a wild fire. Knowing that it happened and hearing it were two different things. At least when it hadn’t been voiced he could have pretended that it didn’t happen.
But now.
It was all too real. Any illusion that he had set up to keep himself from believing the truth, it was gone. Again, he didn’t hear his reply. There was a small ringing, that was all he heard and then it seemed as if everything had been placed on mute. Yixing was saying something, explaining, but it wasn’t registering with him.
“I’m so sorry.”
And then he was in their room, no, his room. Yixing wouldn’t stay there anymore. Yixing wasn’t his anymore. And he didn’t know what hurt more, the fact that Yixing had felt the need to find someone else or facing the reality that he had blindly given his heart to someone who promised to keep it safe only to do a lengthy tap number over it. It was snowing.
Yixing liked the snow. It was December, their favorite month. He should have been smiling and laughing with Yixing but instead he found that he was holding onto the last bit of will power that he had because he was Wu Yifan and Wu Yifan was expected to be the strong one. The one that wouldn’t let the tears fall.
“Yifan, are you okay?”
“His name is Kai….”
Yixing was walking over towards him, concern was written all over his face but Yifan could have cared less.
“…five months… didn’t mean anything.”
It still burned.
“Yifan, what’s wrong?
“…I love you, not him!”
The ringing was back… he hated the ringing more than anything.
“Yifan, did you-”
“Why?”
There was confusion on Yixing’s face. He wasn’t allowed to be confused because he was supposed to feel a hundred times worse than how he felt. Misery loved company and Yifan was going to make sure that she had a tea party with him and Yixing.
“You know what I’m talking about. Don’t you dare say you don’t.”
“Yifan, I have no idea.”
The laugh that left him was nothing like his own, it was cold. It held the intention of his cruelty and with it Yixing seemed to get scared. He didn’t care, not now at least.
“Of course you don’t. You’re a saint aren’t you? Nothing to stain your record because you’ve repented everything and somehow that’s supposed to make everything better. But guess what, Yixing. It doesn’t.”
For a moment more, it seemed as if Yixing still had no idea what he was talking about. But when he finally did catch on, Yifan got the reaction that he wanted. Yinxing tensed up, he looked uncomfortable and seemed as lost as he could possibly get in the all too familiar setting. This was the argument that they had skipped, the fight he had avoided having, the one they had needed to have. The row he was greedy to have.
“That was more than year ago.”
“Doesn’t matter. It happened.”
“Stop.”
“No, because you never told me why. You gave me crap excuse to go off and then begged for forgiveness.”
The air was heavier than it had been in months. He knew it was far too early to be doing this but he would lose the momentum and he’d be back to square one and that would mean Chanyeol. He didn’t want to see Chanyeol again, not twice in the same day.
“So tell me, Yixing. Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why did you have to go and sleep with him? Hm? Why wasn’t what we had enough for you? Where you bored? Is that it? Huh? Is it?”
Silence. He felt tears start to build as the questions continued to pour out. His voice break at odd intervals and he knew it was only a matter of time. He could have sworn he saw a nodding Chanyeol standing behind Yixing, but he was gone too soon for Yifan to figure out if he was actually there or if he was just imagining him.
“Why… why wasn’t I enough for you, Yixing? What did I do wrong? … What didn’t I do that Kai did?”
And just like that, it was done. It had scared him when he felt it but he knew what it was. It stung, but was worth it. The heaviness that he had been carrying around was taken off of him and it felt like he could breathe again. Tears made their way down his cheek and it didn’t matter that Yixing looked just as hurt because he had gotten it out over a year ago. He had been fine, but Yifan had been the one to hold it in. The one to go about each day falling into an idea that he was fine, when in reality he wasn’t.
His hands were shaking. His breath was leaving him in irregular huffs and he was pretty sure that as a whole, he was shaking. This wouldn’t change anything. It was simply for him to feel better; to be able to move on properly. It was all done under a selfish need to get something off his chest before he started a new life.
His questions remained unanswered and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear the answers. Would it hurt that much more to know that he had done something wrong, or hadn’t done something that had driven the one person that he had loved more than his family to another? Would it continue to leave five degree burns along his body every time that Yixing touch him? Should he have even voiced the questions?
His gaze had gone from Yixing to the covers on the bed they had once shared. He watched as this tears fell onto the cover for a moment before he started to wipe them away, crying was useless and he didn’t have time for it. So why couldn’t he stop the tears from flowing? He wanted to stop but couldn’t.
“Have you been holding that in all this time?”
He refused to answer.
“I told you the day that I confessed to it that I never fell for him. If you remember back then, the company traveled a lot because it was new. We were trying to promote and well you get lonely out on the road. You weren’t there most nights and everyone has-”
“I didn’t care about everyone else, I cared about you.”
Confrontation. He loathed it. But he supposed that if it made things better than it was worth a shot and he most certainly felt a lot better than he had in a while.
“You know what, it doesn’t even matter anymore. You’re moving out and I’ve got my life.”
“Now, you’re wrong. It matters because you’ve obviously been bothered by it and that was what tore us apart even more so than my infidelity.”
“So now it’s my fault?”
“No, it’s both our fault. I cheated, you’re cheating and you put a space between us when I tried to fix the mess I made. It works fifty-fifty, Yifan. I put in my fifty and you pulled yours away. We’re in a one sided relationship right now and from what it looks like, it won’t even be a relationship after Christmas.”
He knew it was true. However, that didn’t mean that he was going to fess up to it being true, if anything he’d deny it. But again, that would bring back Chanyeol and he didn’t want Chanyeol to come back because seeing Chanyeol meant feeling bad and Yifan hated feeling bad. So, he stayed silent.
“What we had died, Yixing.”
“Do you really think so, because I don’t.”
He was still stubborn; it made him smile a little.
“Here, let’s settle this once and for all. We’ll do one thing, one simple thing at took us forever to do and if we don’t feel anything, or if one of us doesn’t feel anything than we’re done and this can be put to rest. We’ll move on with our lives and won’t have to worry about what the other does. Deal?”
A trap hidden under the shadow of a way to freedom. He was still just as sneaky as he had been in high school.
“Fine, what are we going to do?”
There was a reluctance to even accepting the deal, so he wondered how he would feel about doing whatever it was that Yixing asked for. Whatever it may be, he’d get it over with quickly.
“We kiss. Simple, either one of can end it when we want to.”
He thought about it for a moment. There wasn’t a way for Yixing to be sneaky with a kiss, or he wouldn’t. Yixing valued kisses far too much to toy around with them. Yifan remembers chuckling when he had first found this out; several minutes were later spent trying to get Yixing to forgive him.
“Alright.”
It was just a test. It wouldn’t mean anything and if he really needed to, he could always pretend that it was Baekhyun that he was kissing and not Yixing. Yifan found himself leaning in a little allowing for Yixing to reach him, it wasn’t long until any space between them was diminished as their lips touch.
“I’m Zhang Yixing.”
But he already knew that. However, that didn’t mean Yixing knew.
“Yifan.”
The kiss was sloppy at first but slowly it fell into rhythm that they had known all too well. Yixing’s lips were careful in the way they kissed him, almost like the first time they had kissed.
“We’re in school.”
“Do you really think anyone will care? Plus, they’re all going to class.”
Yixing looked away from him and looked around him as if to make sure that Yifan hadn’t been lying. No one in particular was paying attention to them. It seemed safe enough.
“Under a stairwell? Isn’t that a little cliché?”
“Better than in the rain.”
“Touché.”
It wasn’t long before the small amount of space that they had kept between them was closed off. Yixing’s lips were careful against his and it took a lot out of him to not want to deepen the kiss. It was almost as if they weren’t in school anymore but in some other place, like the park. Yixing liked to go to the park.
“Xiumin, look at them. Aren’t they cute?”
Lu Han’s remark was what made them pull away from one another.
It wasn’t Yixing that had deepened the kiss, and it took him a moment to realize that. It took him another moment to realize that aside for kissing him; Yixing wasn’t touching him at all. He didn’t have his arms loosely wrapped around shoulders nor was Yixing gripping his shirt. It was all on him and the trap Yixing seemed to have set wasn’t a trap at all. It was just an opportunity.
It was only when he slowed down the rhythm of the kiss that Yixing reacted and pressed harder against Yifan’s lips. It all felt right.
“So where does this leave us?”
Yifan tried to ignore the fact that Yixing’s lips were red, his were probably the same. The kissing hadn’t lasted long and now that it was over Yifan felt both happy and guilty. The happiness came from being free of the pain he had held in and from the fact that it had been a nice kiss. However, did this mean he was technically cheating on Baekhyun with Yixing?
“I don’t know where it leaves us. Where do you want it to leave us?”
“I don’t know.”
And it was the truth. The kiss and the freedom that he had gotten was enough to make him unsure of what he wanted. He had always said his heart belonged to one: Yixing. But after everything that they had gone through, was it still his?
“I’m tired. We can talk about this later.”
“… you sure you-”
“Later, Yixing.”
There was no arguing with Yifan at that point and as he crawled into bed, he thought he spotted a smiling Chanyeol giving him a thumbs up sign. He really disliked Chanyeol.
Perhaps the little push he had given Yifan, had been exactly what was needed. Chanyeol didn’t really know but he was glad to see the main hurdle had been overcome, not it really was all up to Yifan.
“Well how are they doing?”
He smiled as he wrapped his hands around his partner.
“Nearly there. Come on, they’re not going to wake up today so let’s go have some of our own.”
And in reality, Yixing and Yifan really did sleep the day away. Letting go of something held in for so long took a lot out of both of them but at least they both knew that they were now on better terms than they had been in a long time.
Pairings: Kris/Lay, (mention) Kai/Lay, (mention) Baekhyun/Kris
Genre: AU, angst, fluff
Warning: un-beta-ed
Rating: Pg-13
Wordcount: 4,192
Summary:
An early relationship blooms but as time progresses, they find
themselves drifting apart. A Christmas of fate changing, will it be
enough to save Yifan and Yixing's relationship?
Proloug | I | II | III | IV | VI | VII | VIII | IX | X
(Disclaimer: I do not own Yixing or Kris or frankly anyone else mentioned in this.
This is also, to some point, loosely based on the concept of the Christmas movie
"Three Days.")
December 19, 2012
Day 5
Half of the given time was gone and there had been very little progress. Patience was not something that he was horrible with but this was a special case. It mean a lot to him, it meant a lot to the sleeping Yixing, and it would mean a lot to Yifan if he would stop resisting. Patience, it was wearing thin and he had just about had it. Bending the rules wouldn’t hurt anyone, not really, and if anything it would be just what they needed to get to where they should have been.
He almost laughed when the idea of comparing what he was doing to A Christmas Carol came to mind. He never really did like that movie.
In his dream, Yifan was living happily by the sea. Though, he wasn’t alone. Someone, he didn’t know who, was also living with him and they made him extremely happy. The problem with the dream was that he had no clue to tell him who the person was or how they had met. They were just there and he just had the feelings for them that he did. It was simple and he didn’t want to question it.
The dream was cut short as someone shook him awake. Through the haze of grogginess that covered him from head to toe, Yifan was only able to make out that someone was sitting on his bed next to him. He groaned as he caught sight of the clock in the room, it wasn’t even seven in the morning. Why had he been woken up?
“Yixing go back to sleep. It’s too early.”
“Funny you thought it was him and not Baekhyun.”
Any yearn to go to back to sleep left Yifan the moment that he heard the voice, it wasn’t Yixing’s voice. It was far too deep for it to be Yixing, but he did know someone whose voice was that deep: Chanyeol. The quilt that had been covering him fell onto his lap as he sat up and came face to face with a grinning Chanyeol.
“Good morning.”
“Get out.”
A chuckle from Chanyeol.
“That’s no way to treat the person who’s going to help you. Be nice.”
“Out. I told you I’m fine, so go away.”
The look Chanyeol was gave him made Yifan want to hide under the covers. It seemed like Chanyeol wasn’t going to leave until he got something across. He could always just play along and Chanyeol wouldn’t be any wiser. He could probably get rid of him that much faster too. The more he thought about it, the better that plan sounded.
“It’s not going to work. What you’re doing now, what you plan to do. You’re just going to end up where you were before and it’s only going to hurt a hell of a lot more because you’d have wasted your one chance to fix it.”
“Well what do you want me to do?”
Yifan was slightly terrified of the smile that adorned Chanyeol’s lips. He looked like a mad man and he regretted asking him what it was that he could do.
“Let it out.”
“Let what out?”
“What you’ve been holding in: the hurt, the sorrow, the urge to yell and hit something. Come on, just let it all out.”
It was then that Yifan decided that it was far too early to play around and as far as he knew Chanyeol was speaking nonsense. He was completely fine.
“Why do you glare at Kai when you see him, scowl when he dares to approach you, why do you still harbor a feeling of loathing towards him when you said you were okay?”
He stayed quiet. Chanyeol knew he had hit a nerve and he was only going to continue to push it until he got what he wanted.
“What about when you see Yixing close to him. Why do you get upset if you don’t care? Why do you tense up whenever you see that Yixing is touching Kai, even when his role calls for it? Why are you so tense right now?”
Yifan kept his gaze away from Chanyeol. He opted to stare at the door, it was a safe point.
“Does it still hurt to know that once upon a time he was only yours and then just like that you had to share him? Does it burn to know that while you were with him, he may have been thinking of another? How deep does the thought of his calling out someone else’s name, wanting someone else inside of him, cut into you?”
He was pushing it but it needed to be done. It was a do or die tactic and judging from the way Yifan continued to tense up, he was wining.
“How about now? When he wants you to notice him, when he held your hand today, how ab-”
“Stop.”
He won.
“Why? I mean if it doesn’t bother you then it should be something easy to talk about right? All in the past and what not.”
He only had to push a little more.
“I said stop.”
“Not until you tell me why a small part of you, as small the Grinch’s heart probably was at some point, want to comfort Yixing when he screamed and came in here to make sure you’re okay?”
There was a heaviness that was overwhelming, Yifan. It was a feeling he had been sure had left him long ago. He disliked this feeling much more now than he had when it had first appeared.
“I still hurts doesn’t it? It’s why you put the space between you and Yixing, why you avoid any contact with him unless it’s here. Baekhyun is an escape but you don’t really want it do you? You said ‘I forgive you’ after a week of begging done on Yixing’s part but you never really did forgive. Empty words aren’t pretty, Yifan.”
It took a Yifan a moment to figure out if he wanted to talk or to just hit Chanyeol. He had never been violent before and he still wasn’t, it was just that there were special circumstances in which a certain someone didn’t know when to shut up. The grin on his face wasn’t making it any easier to choose to talk instead.
“I did forgive him.”
“You say you did.”
“I have. I’ve moved on and look, I’m really a lot happier now. I’m moving out of here in a few days and Yixing is moving in with Tao. We won’t see each other and so it’ll be easier to move on with our lives. End of story.”
“Yeah, except you know… the part where Yixing gets hit by a car and dies. It’s all fine and dandy, do you want some brandy? Maybe you’re the kind that needs to be drunk to get things out.”
“I have nothing to get out. I’m fine.”
A smirk and Yifan swore he made a move towards Chanyeol.
“That’s not what your actions say. Have you ever heard that actions speak louder than words? They do and right now you’re telling me that you want to hit me as hard as you can to get me to shut up because, this right here, is something you’ve wanted to avoid for as long as you possibly could. Confronted with it, you’ve become a coward that has fallen back on violence as your form of protection. Am I right?”
Kris really didn’t like Chanyeol.
“Get out now.”
There was a small box tucked away within himself. A box that’s sole purpose was to make sure that anything too strong for Yifan to handle was kept away from him, there was a lock on the box and at the moment Chanyeol had pick the lock off and was only teasing him with opening it. Yifan was scared of what would come when the box would be opened.
“Wo ai ni, Yifan. Forever.”
“Wo ai ni, Yifan. Forever.”
Yixing had a bit of the chocolate cake that he had been eating on his cheek. He found it adorable and almost felt bad when he reached over and wiped it off. His hand was caught by Yixing’s and for a moment Yifan thought he forgot to breath.
“What if I wanted that there.”
That moment passed all too quickly and soon enough he was laughing whole heartedly at Yixing’s comment.
“You’d look ridiculous and I’m not going to let my boyfriend walk around with chocolate cake on his cheek. How did that even get there?”
“I don’t know but it was there. I mean it you know. I don’t think I’ll love anyone, well other than my parents, as much as I love you.”
“Wo ai ni, Yixing.”
“How did-”
“The first character of your names play on the stars… do you think it means something?”
Suddenly, he was back in high school. Yixing walking next to him as they walked back after seeing a movie, mindless conversation had gone on but that particular statement had stayed with him. The look of endearment and complete air of shyness that Yixing managed to maintain that night had been found as endearing by him. As time had gone on the shyness disappeared and they became more open with displays of affection, kissing being the hardest to get to.
“Stop.”
“Have I ever told you I-”
And then it was too much. There was a scream and he wasn’t sure if the pillow had already been on the floor or if he had thrown it and plainly missed Chanyeol.
“Let it out because you’re not going to be fine if you keep it locked in. I can play the role of a ghost from a Christmas Carol and take you to see your past, present, and future but I don’t think you need that. Yifan, stop being stupid and let it out because you’re going to lose him in five days for good. Don’t lose him before that like you did last time.”
And then he was gone. He was mad, why had Chanyeol left right then and there, why had he opened a box that had been secure for so long? It wasn’t fair. He had been fine, or at least he had made himself believe that he was fine.
“Yifan.”
A cold shiver went through him as he heard the voice. Yixing, the light sleeper that he was, had probably woken up when he screamed. He had probably been confused for a moment which was why it had taken him this long to get to his room but he had been able to deduce that it was Yifan who had screamed. Yixing, who was innocent, would bear the burden of having a rather hurt, irritated, and sleepy Yifan address him.
Whether it was fair or not wasn’t important. The fact was that he was done with having Chanyeol prod around his life, tired of being hateful towards someone that he barely knew; jealous of the fact that said person he loathed had been able to find what he had lost.
“His name is Kai, at least that’s his stage name. His real name is Kim Jongin.”
But he already knew that. He knew everything that Yixing was either telling him or going to tell him. Being good with computers didn’t come without its perks or misfortunes in this case.
“… I’ve…”
“You’ve what?”
There was pain in Yixing’s eyes, and he was mad. Why was Yixing hurting when he had been happily gallivanting around with Jongin, had willingly given himself to the younger male and chosen to keep it a secret. It should be him, Wu Yifan, that should be hurting more than anything not Zhang Yixing.
“I’ve been…seeing him for a few months now.”
He didn’t hear himself, his own voice was a miniscule sound in the background. He did however see the hurt and fear in Yixing’s eyes, the first tear that had managed to escape.
“No, Yifan. I’m sorry. I stopped. He didn’t mean anything.”
It burned. It burned to the point where he wasn’t sure if he had been set on fire or not but the touch Yixing had placed set of a wild fire. Knowing that it happened and hearing it were two different things. At least when it hadn’t been voiced he could have pretended that it didn’t happen.
But now.
It was all too real. Any illusion that he had set up to keep himself from believing the truth, it was gone. Again, he didn’t hear his reply. There was a small ringing, that was all he heard and then it seemed as if everything had been placed on mute. Yixing was saying something, explaining, but it wasn’t registering with him.
“I’m so sorry.”
And then he was in their room, no, his room. Yixing wouldn’t stay there anymore. Yixing wasn’t his anymore. And he didn’t know what hurt more, the fact that Yixing had felt the need to find someone else or facing the reality that he had blindly given his heart to someone who promised to keep it safe only to do a lengthy tap number over it. It was snowing.
Yixing liked the snow. It was December, their favorite month. He should have been smiling and laughing with Yixing but instead he found that he was holding onto the last bit of will power that he had because he was Wu Yifan and Wu Yifan was expected to be the strong one. The one that wouldn’t let the tears fall.
“Yifan, are you okay?”
“His name is Kai….”
Yixing was walking over towards him, concern was written all over his face but Yifan could have cared less.
“…five months… didn’t mean anything.”
It still burned.
“Yifan, what’s wrong?
“…I love you, not him!”
The ringing was back… he hated the ringing more than anything.
“Yifan, did you-”
“Why?”
There was confusion on Yixing’s face. He wasn’t allowed to be confused because he was supposed to feel a hundred times worse than how he felt. Misery loved company and Yifan was going to make sure that she had a tea party with him and Yixing.
“You know what I’m talking about. Don’t you dare say you don’t.”
“Yifan, I have no idea.”
The laugh that left him was nothing like his own, it was cold. It held the intention of his cruelty and with it Yixing seemed to get scared. He didn’t care, not now at least.
“Of course you don’t. You’re a saint aren’t you? Nothing to stain your record because you’ve repented everything and somehow that’s supposed to make everything better. But guess what, Yixing. It doesn’t.”
For a moment more, it seemed as if Yixing still had no idea what he was talking about. But when he finally did catch on, Yifan got the reaction that he wanted. Yinxing tensed up, he looked uncomfortable and seemed as lost as he could possibly get in the all too familiar setting. This was the argument that they had skipped, the fight he had avoided having, the one they had needed to have. The row he was greedy to have.
“That was more than year ago.”
“Doesn’t matter. It happened.”
“Stop.”
“No, because you never told me why. You gave me crap excuse to go off and then begged for forgiveness.”
The air was heavier than it had been in months. He knew it was far too early to be doing this but he would lose the momentum and he’d be back to square one and that would mean Chanyeol. He didn’t want to see Chanyeol again, not twice in the same day.
“So tell me, Yixing. Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why did you have to go and sleep with him? Hm? Why wasn’t what we had enough for you? Where you bored? Is that it? Huh? Is it?”
Silence. He felt tears start to build as the questions continued to pour out. His voice break at odd intervals and he knew it was only a matter of time. He could have sworn he saw a nodding Chanyeol standing behind Yixing, but he was gone too soon for Yifan to figure out if he was actually there or if he was just imagining him.
“Why… why wasn’t I enough for you, Yixing? What did I do wrong? … What didn’t I do that Kai did?”
And just like that, it was done. It had scared him when he felt it but he knew what it was. It stung, but was worth it. The heaviness that he had been carrying around was taken off of him and it felt like he could breathe again. Tears made their way down his cheek and it didn’t matter that Yixing looked just as hurt because he had gotten it out over a year ago. He had been fine, but Yifan had been the one to hold it in. The one to go about each day falling into an idea that he was fine, when in reality he wasn’t.
His hands were shaking. His breath was leaving him in irregular huffs and he was pretty sure that as a whole, he was shaking. This wouldn’t change anything. It was simply for him to feel better; to be able to move on properly. It was all done under a selfish need to get something off his chest before he started a new life.
His questions remained unanswered and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear the answers. Would it hurt that much more to know that he had done something wrong, or hadn’t done something that had driven the one person that he had loved more than his family to another? Would it continue to leave five degree burns along his body every time that Yixing touch him? Should he have even voiced the questions?
His gaze had gone from Yixing to the covers on the bed they had once shared. He watched as this tears fell onto the cover for a moment before he started to wipe them away, crying was useless and he didn’t have time for it. So why couldn’t he stop the tears from flowing? He wanted to stop but couldn’t.
“Have you been holding that in all this time?”
He refused to answer.
“I told you the day that I confessed to it that I never fell for him. If you remember back then, the company traveled a lot because it was new. We were trying to promote and well you get lonely out on the road. You weren’t there most nights and everyone has-”
“I didn’t care about everyone else, I cared about you.”
Confrontation. He loathed it. But he supposed that if it made things better than it was worth a shot and he most certainly felt a lot better than he had in a while.
“You know what, it doesn’t even matter anymore. You’re moving out and I’ve got my life.”
“Now, you’re wrong. It matters because you’ve obviously been bothered by it and that was what tore us apart even more so than my infidelity.”
“So now it’s my fault?”
“No, it’s both our fault. I cheated, you’re cheating and you put a space between us when I tried to fix the mess I made. It works fifty-fifty, Yifan. I put in my fifty and you pulled yours away. We’re in a one sided relationship right now and from what it looks like, it won’t even be a relationship after Christmas.”
He knew it was true. However, that didn’t mean that he was going to fess up to it being true, if anything he’d deny it. But again, that would bring back Chanyeol and he didn’t want Chanyeol to come back because seeing Chanyeol meant feeling bad and Yifan hated feeling bad. So, he stayed silent.
“What we had died, Yixing.”
“Do you really think so, because I don’t.”
He was still stubborn; it made him smile a little.
“Here, let’s settle this once and for all. We’ll do one thing, one simple thing at took us forever to do and if we don’t feel anything, or if one of us doesn’t feel anything than we’re done and this can be put to rest. We’ll move on with our lives and won’t have to worry about what the other does. Deal?”
A trap hidden under the shadow of a way to freedom. He was still just as sneaky as he had been in high school.
“Fine, what are we going to do?”
There was a reluctance to even accepting the deal, so he wondered how he would feel about doing whatever it was that Yixing asked for. Whatever it may be, he’d get it over with quickly.
“We kiss. Simple, either one of can end it when we want to.”
He thought about it for a moment. There wasn’t a way for Yixing to be sneaky with a kiss, or he wouldn’t. Yixing valued kisses far too much to toy around with them. Yifan remembers chuckling when he had first found this out; several minutes were later spent trying to get Yixing to forgive him.
“Alright.”
It was just a test. It wouldn’t mean anything and if he really needed to, he could always pretend that it was Baekhyun that he was kissing and not Yixing. Yifan found himself leaning in a little allowing for Yixing to reach him, it wasn’t long until any space between them was diminished as their lips touch.
“I’m Zhang Yixing.”
But he already knew that. However, that didn’t mean Yixing knew.
“Yifan.”
The kiss was sloppy at first but slowly it fell into rhythm that they had known all too well. Yixing’s lips were careful in the way they kissed him, almost like the first time they had kissed.
“We’re in school.”
“Do you really think anyone will care? Plus, they’re all going to class.”
Yixing looked away from him and looked around him as if to make sure that Yifan hadn’t been lying. No one in particular was paying attention to them. It seemed safe enough.
“Under a stairwell? Isn’t that a little cliché?”
“Better than in the rain.”
“Touché.”
It wasn’t long before the small amount of space that they had kept between them was closed off. Yixing’s lips were careful against his and it took a lot out of him to not want to deepen the kiss. It was almost as if they weren’t in school anymore but in some other place, like the park. Yixing liked to go to the park.
“Xiumin, look at them. Aren’t they cute?”
Lu Han’s remark was what made them pull away from one another.
It wasn’t Yixing that had deepened the kiss, and it took him a moment to realize that. It took him another moment to realize that aside for kissing him; Yixing wasn’t touching him at all. He didn’t have his arms loosely wrapped around shoulders nor was Yixing gripping his shirt. It was all on him and the trap Yixing seemed to have set wasn’t a trap at all. It was just an opportunity.
It was only when he slowed down the rhythm of the kiss that Yixing reacted and pressed harder against Yifan’s lips. It all felt right.
“So where does this leave us?”
Yifan tried to ignore the fact that Yixing’s lips were red, his were probably the same. The kissing hadn’t lasted long and now that it was over Yifan felt both happy and guilty. The happiness came from being free of the pain he had held in and from the fact that it had been a nice kiss. However, did this mean he was technically cheating on Baekhyun with Yixing?
“I don’t know where it leaves us. Where do you want it to leave us?”
“I don’t know.”
And it was the truth. The kiss and the freedom that he had gotten was enough to make him unsure of what he wanted. He had always said his heart belonged to one: Yixing. But after everything that they had gone through, was it still his?
“I’m tired. We can talk about this later.”
“… you sure you-”
“Later, Yixing.”
There was no arguing with Yifan at that point and as he crawled into bed, he thought he spotted a smiling Chanyeol giving him a thumbs up sign. He really disliked Chanyeol.
Perhaps the little push he had given Yifan, had been exactly what was needed. Chanyeol didn’t really know but he was glad to see the main hurdle had been overcome, not it really was all up to Yifan.
“Well how are they doing?”
He smiled as he wrapped his hands around his partner.
“Nearly there. Come on, they’re not going to wake up today so let’s go have some of our own.”
And in reality, Yixing and Yifan really did sleep the day away. Letting go of something held in for so long took a lot out of both of them but at least they both knew that they were now on better terms than they had been in a long time.