In the Meadow - Part 3
(continued)
Part 2
“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…” I murmured softly. She looked away, but her heart was trilling at the words.
“What a stupid lamb” she sighed.
“What a sick, masochistic lion.” I stared into the forest for a moment, thinking what a cowardly lion I really was, how the lamb was bravest of the two of us. She risked her life gladly, just to be with me and all I really had to fight was my own nature. She thought that love deserved that chance… perhaps I could give it a chance too. If I could trust myself. My throat ached with a familiar feeling, but I had it under a firm control. She was too important to me now, if I was to hurt her, it would be only a horrible accident. She pulled me out of my thoughts asking suddenly
“Why…?” she paused and I looked at her eagerly.
“Yes?”
“Tell me why you ran from me before.”
The smile faded from my lips.
“You know why.”
“No, I mean, exactly what did I do wrong? I’ll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn’t do. This for example” she said stroking the back of my hand “seems to be all right.” I had to smile at that.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault.”
“But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you.”
“Well…” I thought for a moment. What was it exactly that had me panicked? “It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness… I wasn’t expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your throat.” I paused to see if I shocked her.
“Okay then” she said playfully, covering her chin. “No throat exposure.”
I had to laugh out loud again. “No really, it was more the surprise than anything else.” I said, thinking. The surprise and that wild desire to be closer still… It was odd that when I recalled that incident, all I could remember was the very human desire to feel her warm lips on mine. I was so careful to repress these human desires because they led to dangerous closeness, when perhaps… these emotions would distract me from my darker impulses. I was searching for a way to be more human for her, and maybe the answer was right in front of me all the time. I raised my free hand and placed it on the side of her neck. She sat very still, perhaps my chilly touch was warning enough that it was a dangerous approach. But there was no fear in her eyes, her heartbeat raced, her eyes widened and her lips parted slightly… the very emotions that I was thinking about.
“You see” I said. “Perfectly fine.”
It was really overwhelming to have my hand on the very pulse on her throat, only her thin, translucent skin between my touch and the rushing blood beneath it. But I never have ventured to try it if I wasn’t absolutely sure that I was the master of myself. I concentrated on the warm feeling of her skin on mine, watching her frenzied reaction and comparing it to those unfamiliar hungers that she set lose in me with her proximity. I was happy to find that these human emotions clouded every other feeling, they put in the corner even the most basic vampire desires. The burning was still there, but only as a familiar background tone, a little uncomfortable reminder of why I could never relax my guard when I was around her. Her heart beat frenziedly and the blood rushed to her cheeks coloring them to a lovely rosy shade, it made me want to touch them as well.
“The blush on your cheeks is lovely” I sighed, meaning the compliment to be a request for permission. I freed my other hand from her clasp and as she didn’t move nor protested, I ventured to softly brush the silky skin on her cheek, then curving both of my hands to the shape of her face, cradling it in my palms.
“Be very still” I cautioned her quite uselessly, she was frozen into spot. I leaned forward very slowly, never taking my eyes off her, testing both our limits. Then I leaned my cheek softly, very carefully into the hollow of her neck. Instead of shrinking away, she sat very still, and I gave myself to the newest, the most overwhelmingly warm sensation of her fragrant skin next to my face. It was frightening, but also the most exquisite feeling I ever experienced.
My hands slid down the sides of her neck, feeling, concentrating on the softness of her skin instead of the throbbing pulse under my touch. I reached to her shoulders and halted there, while I turned my head to the side, my nose running along her collarbone. The sweet fragrance of her skin was a thick haze in my head, but I ignored the wretched burn, and focused on her shivering… electricity ran through my body and my breath caught as I ached for more. Always more. My head came to rest on her chest, listening to her heartbeat, the most important sound of my existence.
“Ah” I sighed, half in relief half in eagerness. We sat there motionless until I forgot all about the wet appeal of her pulse and all I could feel was the devastating happiness to be able to touch her without worrying to hurt her.
I let her go after a time too short to my own liking but I didn’t want to push my luck this first time. She was way too accepting as it was.
“It won’t be so hard again” I said with satisfaction.
“Was that very hard for you?” she asked innocently.
“Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?” I asked with a secret worry.
“No, it wasn’t bad… for me.” she said with a hint of humor. I had to smile at her innocence.
“You know what I mean.”
She smiled back knowingly.
“Here” I took her hand and placed it against my face. “Do you feel how warm it is?” My skin always adapted to my surroundings and I was so overjoyed to see that I could adapt to her in any way. Her eyes flashed eagerly as her hand touched my skin, her breath caught and she whispered
“Don’t move.” I closed my eyes and fell completely immobile. Her hands wandered on my skin exploring my eyelids, the hollow below my eyes, my cheeks, her fingers traced my nose and they came to my lips… I opened them instinctively, inhaling the sweet smell of her skin. It was unprecedented what her touch did to me. On one hand it was the warm silkiness of her touch that I felt with every particle of my skin and on the other hand the joy that I felt knowing that she was just as excited to touch me as I was to touch her. That knowledge was even more incredible than the fact that she accepted my confession with such coolness. No matter how close she came today, it still wasn’t enough. She saw the hunger in my eyes when I opened them, I saw the mirror of it in her deep eyes.
“I wish” I started in a whisper “I wish you could feel the… complexity… the confusion… I feel… That you could understand.”
I raised my hand to her hair, then as I couldn’t stop myself, I brushed it across her face again.
“Tell me” she uttered breathlessly.
“I don’t think I can. I’ve told you, on the one hand, the hunger - the thirst - that, deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that to an extent. Though” I had to smile “as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can’t empathize completely.”
“But…” my hands brushed her lips - such an overpowering feeling, being able to do that, and still, it was not enough “There are other hungers. Hungers I don’t even understand, that are foreign to me.”
“I may understand that better than you think.” she answered shivering.
“I’m not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?” I asked and I suddenly realized what I said. I felt more human than I did in a whole century…
“For me?” she mused. “No, never. Never before this.”
It was new to her as it was new to me. I don’t know why that made me feel so good. I held her hands and that was even better, her small, fragile little hands in mine. They almost felt as if they belonged there. But they didn’t.
“I don’t know how to be close to you.” I admitted with a sigh. How that still hurt. “I don’t know if I can.” No matter how human I felt today, I still wasn’t. It was still wrong to tie her to me in any way. She leaned forward slowly, looking into my eyes with caution. She placed her cheek against my chest, listening to my steady breathing for a few minutes. There was no heart beating there.
“This is enough” she sighed, closing her eyes. Instinctively I put my arms around her, and pressed my face to her hair, inhaling. She smelled appallingly good, but I shoved that thought aside, concentrated only on having her in my arms and that felt human enough.
“You’re better at this than you give yourself credit for” she said seriously.
“I have human instincts - they may be buried deep, but they’re there.” Perhaps it was time for me to search and dig up those instincts because I felt that it was the way to do this. We sat for another long moment that I never wanted to end. But the light started to fade and our magical day was drawing to a close. She sighed and I understood her.
“You have to go” I said with regret.
“I thought you couldn’t read my mind” she smiled.
“It’s getting clearer” I answered on the same tone. It would be so much quicker to go back if we did it my way…. And why not? I could show her at least one part of my world that wasn’t all horror and fear, there was a part that was thrilling. I held her frail shoulders and looked into her eyes eagerly.
“Can I show you something?” Excitement flared in me even more than usual at the prospect of running.
“Show me what?” her voice was cautious.
“I’ll show you how I travel in the forest” I said then I saw her eyes narrowing in suspicion. “Don’t worry, you’ll be very safe, and we’ll get to your truck much faster.” Smile spread across my face at the idea of having her with me while running.
“Will you turn into a bat?” she asked wearily. That had me laugh harder than I had in ages. “Like I haven’t heard that one before!”
“Right, I’m sure you get that all the time.”
“Come one, little coward, climb on my back.” I teased her while I thought it was almost a blasphemy to call her coward. Wasn’t she the bravest creature I’ve ever met? She accepted a vampire for a love interest and yet she hesitated when it came to a little speeding. I felt elated by that thought: she accepted me, she wanted me! I reached for her and very easily sling her onto my back. She felt as light as a feather, and the way she clung to me with her arms and legs it sent waves of unusual pleasure over me.
“I’m a bit heavier than your average backpack” she warned me and it made me laugh aloud. She knew me so little still!
“Hah!” I snorted. Then I grabbed her hand in a sudden wave of high spirit I pressed her palm to my face, inhaling deeply. It made my throat bust into flames but it was such a familiar feeling and I associated it with her presence, I could ignore it, I almost welcomed it.
“Easier all the time” I muttered. And we were running. Her weight didn’t cause me any discomfort, I could run as freely as I did alone, but the way her body pressed into my back, her warmth that I felt all over me, it caused an unprecedented feeling that I couldn’t find a name for. “Something happy”, well, this could definitely qualify for that. Alice came to my mind fleetingly, did she see me run like this? And then I remembered her statement, the one I dreaded so much yesterday: this day was a turning point. One future would cease to exist starting from today! And I knew now, I knew that I could do it! I could stay with her without giving in to the monster in me, I could be… if not exactly human, but at least a man for her! A man that right now felt how no closeness would ever be enough with this girl. I’ll always want more. Right now, her lips emerged in my mind’s eye and I wondered if I could venture to… Okay, I knew I pushed my luck far enough for one day, but what if she wanted it too? This was our first date and wouldn’t it be a requirement that on the close of a first date the boy would kiss the girl? It was a risky business, having her so very close to my teeth, but if I was very careful, if I concentrated hard enough… maybe there was a possibility…
I came to an abrupt halt by her truck, after mere minutes.
“Exhilarating, isn’t it?” I asked, my voice high from all the various excitements that were shaking inside of me. I waited for her to climb down from my back, but she was still clutching to me with limbs locked into place. Was she hurt? What was going on?
“Bella?” I asked anxiously.
“I think I need to lie down” she gasped.
“Oh, sorry” I said regretfully. I was feeling so outrageously good, it was a disappointment that she couldn’t join me there. I waited, but it seemed that she still couldn’t move.
“I think I need help” Bella said and I thought she must be feeling seriously ill if she admitted to such a thing. I reached back for her very gently and took her into my arms cradling her like a child. Then very slowly and carefully I placed her on the soft blanket of ferns.
“How do you feel?” I asked worriedly.
“Dizzy, I think” she said and she surely looked dizzy.
“Put your head between your knees” I said, old medical training kicking in. She did as I advised her, taking in deep breaths. I sat down beside her, waiting for the wave of motion-sickness to pass. She lifted her head after a while, her eyes were still a bit hazy.
“I guess that wasn’t the best idea” I said. It was a little early for this kind of togetherness. Which brought back my musings about a very different togetherness that I contemplated while I had been running…
“No, it was very interesting” she protested weakly, trying not to hurt my feelings.
“Hah!” I snorted. “You’re as white as a ghost - no, you’re as white as me!”
“I think I should have closed my eyes.” She said faintly.
“Remember that next time.” I said grinning.
“Next time!” she groaned. I laughed again. There was nothing that could ruin my mood now.
“Show-off” she murmured indignantly.
I watched her beautiful face, her soft, warm lips and I knew that I had to try.
“Open your eyes, Bella” I asked quietly. I leaned forward so when she opened her eyes, our faces were at mere inches apart. How am I to do this?
“I was thinking, while I was running…” I paused still conflicted. Should I put her in danger again? It definitely felt like I was pushing my luck. But she was right here and she was so beautiful, and with her smell in my head all day, now it was safer than in any other time.
“About not hitting the trees I hope” she frowned at me.
“Silly Bella” I chuckled. “Running is second nature to me, it’s not something I have to think about”.
“Show-off” she muttered again.
I smiled. No, this was much more dangerous than that.
“No, I was thinking there was something I wanted to try.” As I said that, I took her face into my hands again. Only yesterday, this would have made me happy, but today, I wanted more. Bella stopped breathing while I hesitated to test my strength. My throat burned with scorching pain, but it was under control, I concentrated as hard as I could on the desire that her full lips released through me. It was not a hard job, that desire was aching almost as forcefully as the thirst itself. I worried slightly for her reaction as well, wondering what that would feel like to her… being so close to my teeth.
Then I pressed my hard, cold lips against the soft silkiness of hers. Wonder, amazing warmth ran through me, and pleasure almost unbearable. I was prepared for anything, but I wasn’t prepared for her response.
Her breath came in a loud gasp, she knotted her fingers into my hair and pulled me in while she inhaled deeply, pressing her face against my own… Her eagerness was something that I understood well, it came from exactly the same source as mine. If I didn’t have to control my every move, my every reaction so firmly, I would have clutched to her that way too. As it was, I froze under her touch and pushed her face away very gently. I was in a terrible danger to lose my self control, and that was not something I - or Bella - could afford. She opened hey eyes unwillingly, I tried to have a firm hold on the situation.
“Oops” she breathed.
“That’s an understatement.” I answered tenderly though my jaw was tight. The need - both kinds of need - was ravaging through me, but I had it together. I was firmly in control. I held her face close to mine, waiting. She looked back at me with unfocused eyes, dazzled I imagined.
“Should I…” she breathed, trying to give me room, but I wasn’t ready to release her.
“No, it’s tolerable. Wait for a moment, please” I asked politely. Both our excitement wore off after a while, turning into a more gentle feeling. I smiled widely at the end of my little experiment.
“There” I said very pleased with myself. I was firmly in control, I won’t hurt her now.
“Tolerable?” she asked smiling. I laughed freely.
“I’m stronger than I thought. It’s nice to know.” If I could handle the overwhelming need to be close to Bella, I could handle anything.
“I wish I could say the same. I’m sorry” she said sheepishly.
“You are only human after all.” It was remarkably easy to joke about this now. And for some reason, her reaction pleased me very, very much despite of the danger it put us in.
“Thanks so much” she replied sourly.
I jumped to my feet and held out my hand to help her up. She seemed startled by that and it was unusual, but after all that happened today, and knowing what I knew now, there was no point in denying myself that pleasure. See looked like she needed my support too, she was swaying dangerously.
“Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?” I asked teasingly. The success of our date made me positively giddy. I couldn’t believe it, because it was unbelievable, but Bella wanted me, even after knowing everything about me, every dark secret, she wanted me bad enough not to care about the danger. And I was strong enough to be with her without hurting her, we had a future, we had hope. It was more than I could hope for only a few hours ago.
“I couldn’t be sure, I’m still woozy” she answered. “I think it’s some of both, though” she admitted and I loved that answer.
“Maybe you should let me drive” I suggested impishly.
“Are you insane?” she protested. Bella and her odd reactions.
“I can drive better than you on your best day” I teased her. “You have much slower reflexes” I added.
“I’m sure that’s true, but I don’t think my nerves, or my truck, could take it.”
“Some trust, please, Bella” I rolled my eyes.
She held her hand in her pocket, where she kept her keys, looked at me with a tight grin on her face and shook her head.
“Nope. Not a chance.”
I couldn’t believe her. She wanted to step around me and perhaps I would have let her, but she was unsteady on her feet so I put my arms around her waist - what a delight it was to do that so casually! - and I didn’t let her pass. I tried my persuasive tone with her.
“Bella, I’ve already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I‘m not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can’t even walk straight. Besides, friends don’t let friends drive drunk” I chuckled. I could have stood there for days, with her in my arms like that…
“Drunk?” she protested.
“You’re intoxicated by my very presence” I smirked, but there was real happiness under the teasing.
“I can’t argue with that” she sighed. She lifted the key and dropped it into my hand, I caught it soundlessly. “Take it easy - my truck is a senior citizen.”
“Very sensible” I answered, a thrill running through me at her admitting my influence on her. It would never cease to thrill me: Bella caring for me.
“And are you not affected at all?” she asked with a slight irritation in her voice. “By my presence?”
Ah, not affected! What was I? Dazzled, elated, thrilled, humbled, overjoyed… completely transformed by her presence! I bent my face toward her and brushed my lips across her face very slowly, from her ear to her chin and back again… she trembled and I was completely overwhelmed by her proximity. But I was a vampire.
“Regardless” I whispered “I have better reflexes.”