In the Meadow - Part 2
(continued)
Part 1
I was lying on my back in the silky green grass, letting the sunshine warm my skin. Bella was sitting by my side, curled up with her chin on her knees, never taking her eyes off me. I didn’t scare her. When I first stepped out into the sun she looked at me with wide eyes, but she didn’t run away, she didn’t even shudder. She came to my side very calmly, looked into my face with the same wonder, with the same fascination as ever. I could have guessed her reaction, when did Bella ever react normally to anything? My last fear that she would run away was shattered and I felt elated, relieved. I let the purest bliss wash over me as the sunshine caressed my eyelids. The lullaby that I wrote for her was flowing through my mind and I hummed it softly to myself, it didn’t sound sad now but triumphant.
Bella reached out to me and hesitantly she caressed the back of my hand with her warm finger. My eyes flew open in all astonishment: she was touching me willingly? Didn’t my skin repulse her? She looked shy, but she was smiling. She was touching me and she was smiling! That made me smile too.
“I don’t scare you?” I asked casually, but there was still a mountain of wonder behind the simple question.
“No more than usual” she answered and that made me grin wider. She was very diplomatic. She inched closer to me, extending her whole hand to draw the contours of my forearm. Her silky warm fingers left a trace of tingling line where they wandered on my skin, it was pure pleasure, almost unbearable. She was amazingly accepting but her fingers trembled slightly and I knew she was aware of how dangerous this was for her. I closed my eyes, to fully enjoy the happiest time of my whole existence.
“Do you mind?” she asked tentatively.
“No” I answered through the bliss of the moment “You can’t imagine how that feels” I sighed. She traced the skin on my arm, following the bluish veins in the crease of my elbow. She reached out her other hand to turn my hand around, I flipped it over for her without realizing what I was doing. The swiftness of the movement startled her, her hands froze on my arm. I opened my eyes to see how badly I scared her, but she was only startled.
“Sorry” I muttered closing my eyes again. “It’s too easy to be myself with you.”
She didn’t answer, she lifted my hand closer to her eye, examining my skin from every angle to see its hidden secrets. How can she do that so calmly? What was she really thinking of me now?
“Tell me what you’re thinking” I whispered with sudden keenness. “It’s still so strange for me, not knowing” I added voicing the same frustration that was tormenting me from the beginning.
“You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time” she retorted.
“It’s a hard life” I answered. And I would give my gift so willingly to have that life with you, I though with regret. “But you didn’t tell me” I reminded her.
“I was wishing I could know what you were thinking…” she said hesitantly.
“And?” I urged.
“I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn’t afraid.”
“I don’t want you to be afraid.” I said softly. Today it was truer than it was ever before. I wished with my whole being that she didn’t have anything to fear from me.
“Well, that’s not exactly the fear I meant, though that’s certainly something to think about” she answered.
What was she afraid of then? I propped myself up on my right arm, the movement a little too quick again, my left palm still in her hands. My face was bare inches away from hers, but she didn’t cringe back, she just looked mesmerized into my eyes… and I was looking back into her deep brown eyes with the same fascination.
“What are you afraid of then?” I asked with an urgent whisper. She didn’t answer, she leaned closer to me and her sweet breath was washing over my face, overwhelming my senses… I stared at her lips for a long moment, a wild desire to feel those lips on my own crashed on me… but she was too close and she was too fragrant and this was utterly wrong. The sweet smell of her exposed throat mixed with my wild desire to be closer to her and it sent a wave of panic over me. I yanked my hand out of hers and I was under the shadowy trees in a blink of an eye.
She was staring at me with shock for the first time this day, pain darkening her features. She held her empty hand in an awkward position as if it was tender.
“I’m… sorry… Edward” she whispered. She was sorry? When I couldn’t hold it together? The irony was lost on me though, as bitterness filled me. Why couldn’t I be human for her?
“Give me a moment” I called loud enough for her to hear me. I panted for a few seconds and then I walked back to her very slowly. I paused several feet away from her where I sank to the ground cross-legged. I was still breathing heavy breaths to calm myself; after a few moments I tried smiling at her.
“I am so very sorry.” I said hesitantly. “Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?” She nodded, but didn’t smile back at my joke. She was right, me human! I was so not that. My smile turned bitter at the mere idea.
“I’m the world’s best predator, aren’t I? Everything about me invites you in - my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I needed any of that!” Suddenly I was on my feet again. I circled the whole meadow in one second, just to stop under the same fir tree where I’ve been seeking refuge a minute ago. A deep desperation blurred my sight, she will see me now the way I am!
“As if you could outrun me” I laughed bitterly. I reached out one hand and cracked a two-foot branch off the tree above me, then threw it into another tree, it shook violently from the shock of it. Then I ran back and stopped right in front of her again.
“As if you could fight me off” I said gently. She was looking at me completely frozen from the fear that finally registered with her. She was white as a sheet, but even now her eyes looked at me mesmerized. As I watched her, I slowly calmed down and a deep sadness took the place of sheer desperation.
“Don’t be afraid” I said very softly. “I promise…” could I promise that? I must, I will. “I swear not to hurt you.” It burst out of me. No matter what kind of a monster I was, there was just no way I was going to hurt her. I had to believe that.
“Don’t be afraid” I whispered again as I stepped closer and sank to the ground until our faces were only a foot apart again.
“Please forgive me” I said formally. “I can control myself. You caught me off guard. But I’m on my best behavior now.” I waited for a response but she looked shocked still. Shame ran through me at the sight of her pale face.
“I’m not thirsty today, honestly” I winked with sudden humor. She laughed a shaky laugh and I had to admire her courage again. She was one of a kind.
“Are you all right?” I asked tenderly while reaching out to her very carefully, placing my hand back into her palm. I studied her face to see just how badly I frightened her. She looked down at our hands, then lifted her gaze to look me in the eyes. Even if there was still a reluctance in them, the corner of her lips turned slightly upward and she very deliberately resumed the stroking of my hand, tracing the lines in my palm. I watched her in total awe… Was there anything to scare her away? She smiled at me timidly and that made me smile back exultantly. She was still here with me, willingly, impossible as it may seem.
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“So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?” I asked trying to tame my voice as soft as I possibly could.
“I honestly can’t remember” she answered finally finding her voice. Her color came back too, for which I was very grateful.
“I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason.”
“Oh right” she answered, blushing slightly.
“Well?” I asked impatiently.
She was doodling into my palm and that was very distracting. Her touch sent electric charges up my arm, I thought I would never get used to this feeling. She kept her eyes on our hands and that frustrated me to no end because she cut me off to my only way to her thoughts.
“How easily frustrated I am” I sighed. She looked back at me with an odd expression on her face, with understanding. She knew this was hard on both of us and that seemed to ease her worries.
“I was afraid… because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can’t stay with you. And I’m afraid I’d like to stay with you, much more than I should.” She cast her eyes down again shyly, and I could understand how difficult it was for her to say this to me. I was right when I thought that she grasped the danger she was in when being with me. And I was right in supposing that she was so much braver than I was.
“Yes” I agreed. “That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That’s really not in your best interest” I said truthfully. She frowned at that, she didn’t like it. But today I would be completely honest with her. If she really was to take that chance, she deserved to know everything. She had to know what a selfish being I really was.
“I should have left long ago” I sighed. “I should leave now. But I don’t know if I can.” No, I certainly can’t, I added in my thought shamefully.
“I don’t want you to leave” she murmured sadly, looking down again.
“Which is exactly why I should. But don’t worry. I’m essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should.”
“I’m glad” she said brighter.
“Don’t be!” I said brusquely, withdrawing my hand, trying to be gentle about it. She needed to know everything! “It’s not only your company I crave!” I said harshly. “Never forget that. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else.” I stopped suddenly because I saw movement in the forest. Then I caught the familiar tone of her thoughts. It was Alice. She was standing just a few yards away among the trees, her face apologetic.
“I’m sorry Edward” she thought. “I saw something and it scared me… ” The image of me tearing off the branch and throwing it flipped through her mind. “I’ll be going now… I see that you have it under control…” she added. I nodded almost unperceivably. Alice would see.
“I don’t think I understand exactly what you mean - by that last part anyway” Bella said frowning. She didn’t notice that small interlude. I looked back at her, a smile spreading across my face. Alice said I had it under control, and her thoughts were firm on this point. I believed her, I wanted to believe her so much.
“How do I explain?” I hesitated. “And without frightening you again… hmmm.” My hand wandered back to find hers, it was an unconscious movement. She took it eagerly into both of hers, her gesture warmed me in more than one way.
“That’s amazingly pleasant, the warmth” I sighed more to myself. I continued after a moment’s pause.
“You know how everyone enjoys different flavors?” I started. “Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?” She nodded thoughtfully.
“Sorry about the food analogy - I couldn’t think of another way to explain.”
She smiled. I was comparing her to food and she smiled.
“You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he’d gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let’s say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac - and filled the room with its warm aroma - how do you think he would fare then?”
She sat silently, looking into my eyes and trying to read my intentions there. I looked back eager for her thoughts.
“Maybe that’s not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead.”
“So what you’re saying is, I’m your brand of heroin?” she asked playfully with a glint in her eyes. I smiled back with an effort, it really wasn’t funny at all.
“Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin.”
“Does that happen often?” she asked casually.
I looked out into the forest while gathering my thoughts, Alice was long gone, giving me back the illusion of privacy. I knew she was still monitoring my every move today.
“I spoke to my brothers about it.” I said slowly, staring into the distance. “To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He’s the most recent to join our family. It’s a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn’t had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor” I glanced at her apologetically. It was the oddest situation, talking about this with her. But she must know everything. She must know exactly what kind of danger she gets herself into.
“Sorry” I said sheepishly.
“I don’t mind. Please don’t worry about offending me, or frightening me or whichever. That’s the way you think. I can understand, or I can try at least. Just explain however you can.”
I looked up to the sky, sighing deeply. Bella was the most amazing creature I have ever met, but this kind of honesty was hurtful, it was a torment. It underlined the very big difference between us.
“So Jasper wasn’t sure if he’d ever come across someone who was as” I hesitated searching for the right word “appealing as you are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other.”
“And for you?”
“Never.” There was a moment of silence while that word was echoing in our ears.
“What did Emmett do?” she asked finally. Of course Bella would ask the one question I didn’t want to answer. I pressed my lips together in a hard line, my hand curled into a tight fist in her warm hold. I couldn’t meet her eyes, nor could I utter the words.
“I guess I know” she finally concluded.
I looked at her pleadingly.
“Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don’t we?” I asked desperately.
“What are you asking? My permission?” her tone was sharp. Then she continued a little milder “I mean, is there no hope then?” Her calm, serene question shocked me. How could she think that? How could she ask that?
“No, no!” I answered fervently. “Of course there’s hope! I mean, of course I won’t…” I stuttered, while my eyes were burning into hers, pleading. “It’s different for us. Emmett… these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn’t as… practiced, as careful, as he is now.” I watched her every reaction with fervor. What was she thinking about me now? I would make it worse, I must tell her everything. The thought made me desperate, but it was the only way. There must be no secret between us.
“So if we’d met… oh, in a dark alley or something…” her voice trailed off.
“It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and - ” I couldn’t continue, I couldn’t look into her eyes. She will know everything, all the sordid details of my wretched existence. Everything that made me the monster that I was. “When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn’t been denying my thirst for the last, well, too many years, I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself.” I paused, scowling. The memory sent another wave of shame down at me while the burning of my throat got to a whole new level. Bella just sat there completely tranquil.
“You must have thought I was possessed.” I declared.
“I couldn’t understand why. How you could hate me so quickly…”
“To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin… I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow…”
I looked up at her from my agonized confession, eager to see what it did to her. She was bewildered, but looked back at my face with the same openness.
“You would have come” I pressed the words.
“Without a doubt” she answered calmly, an embarrassed smile tuning the corner of her lips upward. I couldn’t believe her. She was unbelievable. I looked down to her hands as I continued
“And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there - in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there - so easily dealt with.” She shivered at my words, finally a normal reaction - sort of - to the horror that I was recounting to her. She already knew I wanted to kill her, I told her before, but having all the sordid details of it - it would have scared anyone. But she continued to sit there in front of me, willingly. And it crashed upon me, how I’d never truly grasp how strong, how trusting, how absolutely brave this frail girl really was.
“But I resisted. I don’t know how. I forced myself not to wait for you, not to follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn’t smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left the others near home - I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew something was very wrong - and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving.”
She looked surprised at that.
“I traded cars with him - he had a full tank of gas and I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t dare to go home, to face Esme. She wouldn’t have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn’t necessary… By the next morning I was in Alaska.” The cowardice of that trip had me ashamed, she noticed it, she reacted to it in a subtle way. “I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances… but I was homesick. I hated knowing I’d upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I’d dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little girl” I grinned at the absurd idea “to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back…” I paused, staring into nothingness. She didn’t say a word.
“I took precautions, hunting, feeding more than usual before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other human. I was arrogant about it. It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn’t simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn’t used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica’s mind… her mind isn’t very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn’t know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating” I said frowning. It will never cease to irk me to be shut out of her head.
“I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day, if possible, so I tried to talk with you like I would with any person. I was eager actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But you were too interesting, I found myself caught up in your expressions… and every now and then you would stir the air with your hand or your hair and the scent would stun me again… ”
“Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes. Later I thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment - because if I hadn’t saved you, if your blood had been spilled there in front of me, I don’t think I could have stopped myself from exposing us for what we are. But I only thought of that excuse later. At the time, all I could think was, ‘Not her.’”
I closed my eyes, remembering. The words have been spilling out freely, and I couldn’t meet her gaze to see what they did to her. She spoke up the first time in quite a while.
“In the hospital?” Her voice was faint, but compassion, eagerness were compressed in those three words. I looked up at her, disbelieving, humbled and hopeful. Amazing as it seemed, there was still tenderness on her face as she looked back at me.
“I was appalled. I couldn’t believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power - you of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you.” We both flinched at the horrifying word. “But it had the opposite effect” I continued quickly. “I fought with Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time… the worst fight we’ve ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice.” I couldn’t fight a grimace at her name. Was she still close by? I couldn’t hear her, but I imagined she kept near just in case. “Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay” I shook my head with an indulgent smile.
“All the next day I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to, shocked that you kept your word. I didn’t understand you at all. But I knew that I couldn’t become more involved with you. I did my very best to stay as far from you as possible. And every day the perfume of your skin, your breath, your hair… it hit me as hard as the very first day.”
I met her melted chocolate eyes, all the love I felt for her crashing down on me with new force.
“And for all that, I’d have fared better if I had exposed us all at that first moment, than if now, here - with no witnesses and nothing to stop me - I were to hurt you.” I ended my confession.
“Why?” she asked, curiosity and wonder in her eyes.
“Isabella.” I started with pretended seriousness, then ruffled her hair playfully. Her body reacted in a strange way to my casual touch. “Bella, I couldn’t live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don’t know how it’s tortured me” I cast down my eyes ashamed anew. “The thought of you, still, white, cold… to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through pretenses… it would be unendurable.” I looked up into her face with all the fervor that I felt. “You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever.”
She sat in silence through all my horrid confession, and now as I said this, her heart picked up the pace and drummed to a frantic rhythm. It was a very different kind of honesty and it could scare her just as much as the details of my wretched impulses. She kept her eyes down, and it was maddening, I didn’t know whether it was fear or shyness that made her do it. Finally she said
“You already know how I feel of course. I’m here… which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you.” She frowned then added “I am an idiot.”
It made me laugh even through the keen sense of relief and pure joy that I felt.
“You are and idiot” I agreed. Our eyes met and we both burst out laughing. We laughed together, it was such an impossible, idiotic situation.
(continued)
Part 3