Fic: Mr. Mxy’s Marvelous Day Out 2/2
Title: Mr. Mxy’s Marvelous Day Out 2/2
Pairing: Lexana, Chimmy, Clex, Lollie
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: AU after Subterranean S6, spoilers through that point.
Warnings: mpreg, crack
Summary: Mr. Mxyzptlk returns. Woe to us all.
Notes: I started writing this directly after Subterranean, thus predictions to the later parts of the season are coincidental. I’ll probably write a sequel/continuation to this after if finish a few WiPs, but as of the moment, it stays as it is.
Part Two
Chloe grimaced, watching poor Lex dry heave behind a building. They were almost to The Daily Planet, and he had more than once suggested they go on and let him catch up. Clark gave her a concerned look, and when Lex returned, Clark picked him up like a baby and started to carry him.
“This is absolutely unnecessary. I can walk,” Lex snapped. Clark shook his head.
“You’re sick. You’re going to collapse. “
Lex sighed and closed his eyes. He rested his head limply on Clark’s shoulder and tried not to rebel at the situation. As far as efficiency and speed went, this really was the best way. He wasn’t enjoying being held so conscientiously at all. Not at all.
When Lex opened his eyes, someone was laughing.
“Is the big bad billionaire too good to walk for himself?” Lois crowed. Lex looked around to see that they had arrived at the Planet. He hadn’t noticed. Clark eased Lex to his feet. Lex swayed but held out a hand to indicate that he would be fine.
“Where’s Jimmy?” Chloe asked. Lois motioned with her head upstairs, and Chloe darted off to check on him.
Lex looked up and tried to focus. Lois and the Green Arrow. He’d never gotten a good look at him before… his mouth dropped open. “Oli…”
He snapped it shut and started to laugh so hard that he had to grab onto one of the sofas so he wouldn’t to fall over.
“You have a problem, cue ball?” The Green Arrow boomed. Clark tilted his head at his friend and raised his brows.
Lex calmed himself and looked up in amusement. “That’s an interesting outfit you have there. Didn’t they have a bigger codpiece at the SCA fair?”
Lois snorted. “Wonder what he looks like when you get that shit off of him?”
“With the arrows and the motorcycles? I’m thinking not much.” Lex pressed his lips together trying not to laugh anymore. The shaking was making him dizzy.
“Okay, Warbucks Jr. Why are you part of the Scooby Crew?’ Lois asked, putting her hands on her hips. She looked him up and down. He was damn pale. “You’re looking green. You okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“I think he puked up a kidney on 5th, but he’s great,” Clark said sarcastically. “Okay, so let me give you a basic rundown of what’s going on. Lex, lay down before you collapse.”
“What’s wrong with him?” The Green Arrow asked. Lex flopped back on the couch.
“We don’t know what’s wrong with Lex,” Lex grumbled. “But we know that this is all being caused by an alien from another dimension.”
“If I hadn’t seen a ballet dancing elephant about an hour ago, I’d call you a liar,” Lois said.
Lex frowned and shook his head. “I can’t think what he wants.”
“People are getting hurt out there,” The Green Arrow said accusingly. Clark sat on the arm of the sofa.
“I know. Want some help? You and I on the street? Lois, Chloe, and Lex here try to figure a way to stop Mxyzptlk?” He looked down at Lex and hoped that the color would return to his face soon. The Green Arrow stepped up to him and nodded.
“Hey, wait a second,” Lois argued. “You can’t just run off and play hero.”
“That’s pretty much what I do,” The Green Arrow said.
“Nuh-uh. Big men run off to save the day while the women stay behind? I don’t think so.”
“I’m not a woman,” Lex reminded them. Lois looked down at him and shrugged at her faux pas.
“Close enough,” The Green Arrow quipped. Lex narrowed his eyes and rolled over, struggling to sit up.
“Fine then. You big boys go out and play, and us girls can figure out a way to save the city.” He stood shakily. Lois caught his hand. “Have a good time. Oliver.”
Lois’ head whipped back to get a good look at him. Her eyes zeroed in on his chin. “Son of a…”
Oliver pulled back his hood. “Luthor, you bitch.”
“It takes the impact away after you’ve already called me a woman. FYI? No stuffing in these pants.”
Lois inspected his trousers appreciatively. She slipped her arm around Lex’s waist and walked with him towards the stairs. “I guess us fragile women have to stick together, hm?”
“Lois, wait.” Oliver walked towards them. “Let me explain.”
“Go play, Ollie.”
“Lois, let me-“
”Go!”
***
“Can you believe it? I can’t believe it. He’s the freaken Green Arrow the whole time and did you know I gave him that name?” Lois continued to rant as Lex and Chloe tried to get some information together. Chloe was searching the internet and breaking into a few databases specializing in the occult that Lex had named for her, and Lex was systematically examining all the files he had on faeries and other-planar creatures.
“We might have to head to LuthorCorp for some more information,” he said grimly. Chloe perked up. “Don’t look so happy.”
She immediately pushed her smile upside down, resulting in a comical pout. “That was a hopeful maybe you have something there face?”
Lex shrugged and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Probably not.”
“Hey, how did you know? About Ollie?” Lois demanded, sitting beside them and getting close to Lex.
“I looked at him. How many people have a stalactite for a chin?”
Chloe chuckled. “Oh… that’s cute.”
“I just. Wow. You must have a really good eye for faces.” Lois sat back in her chair.
Chloe gave her a sheepish look and played with her pen. “I um. Well, I kind of knew when I saw, too.”
“What? When?”
“Today.” Chloe grimaced. Lois’ mouth was wide open.
“You did not. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Chloe held up her hands. “I dunno! I thought I’d give him the chance to fess up before I went all… tabloid and spread his business around.”
Lois leaned her face into her hand. “Yeah. I can see that. Well, he deserved to be outted. It’s not smart to antagonize someone who knows your secrets.”
“He looks ridiculous,” Lex muttered. Chloe shook her head and started to browse on her computer again.
“I think he looks hot in his outfit.”
Lex rolled his eyes. “He stuffs. Trust me, I saw him in gym class.”
Lois snorted. “Trust you, huh? If you said good morning, I’d check my watch. Uh… no offense.”
“You’re really helping us here, Lois. Why don’t you go out with the rest of the muscle and…” Lex shook his head trying to think of something. “Sell someone a muffin?”
Chloe covered her mouth but giggles escaped anyway. “Oh, I missed how bitchy you can be when you’re tired and pissed off.”
“Thanks for the support, cuz,” Lois said irritably.
“Sorry, I’m just in a weird mood.”
Lex massaged her shoulder with one hand. “Your boyfriend is a monkey. We’ll give you a little leeway.”
“Thaaaank you,” she replied in a singsong voice. “Ugh. I just don’t know what to do. Extra-dimensional aliens? The weird got a lot harder when I got to college.”
“It was always there. You just hadn’t discovered it yet.” Lex rubbed his legs and looked bleary-eyed.
“You gonna faint on us?” Lois asked, eyeing him carefully. Chloe looked up with concern and scanned his face.
“I may swoon, my dear. Fetch the smelling salts,” Lex said dryly, pressing the back of his hand to his forehead. Lois grinned.
“Okay. What next?”
Lex shrugged. “Hey, Mxy! Want to come chat with us?”
The three of them listened. Nothing happened.
”I’m out of ideas,” Lex said. He stood slowly and headed for Pauline’s office.
“It isn’t like you to give up so soon, Lex.”
He turned to see Mxy floating in the air. He had dressed himself in dark greens and purples and was wearing a bowler hat. Mxy smirked at Lex and watched him as he strolled over.
“You look nice,” Lex remarked. “Love the lavender.”
“Thank you.”
“Mxy, you and I have to talk,” Lex said in a soft but firm voice. Mxy folded his legs and gave Lex a mock version of his own serious facial expression.
“About the little sprout.”
“No…” Lex looked down a moment then met Mxy’s eyes. “You’re creating a bit of a fuss. We need for it to stop. Everyone you’ve turned into something else, whatever magics you’ve been doing since you left the lab. They must be reversed.”
“Oh, is that an order?” His lips curled up in a frightening smile.
“That is a statement. We can’t go on like this.”
“Um…” Lois sucked the side of her mouth for a moment. “Who the hell are you talking to?”
Chloe put her arm on Lois’ arm to keep her still. She watched Lex carefully.
Lex raised the insides of his brows and pursed his lips. “Invisibility, Mxy? Really?”
Mxy floated towards Lex and started to fondle his collar. “Maybe I want some time alone with you before anyone else comes along. Hm?”
“Maybe. Maybe we can. If you care to discuss terms of fixing what you’ve done.”
“Mxyzptlk is only playing around.” Long fingers traced over the contours of Lex’s face. His eyes shone in mischief and slight admiration for the being before him.
“Playing around like this is very dangerous for us.”
Mxy bent over and was within a hair’s breadth of Lex’s face. “You look pale. Feel off? Hm? Little dizzy. Little woozy. Little twinges in your tummy?” His slender fingers darted out to caress Lex’s sides and middle. Lex tolerated the motion for a moment then swatted him away.
“It’s merely psychosomatic. It’ll pass,” Lex said quietly. Mxy smelled him.
“You taste bitter like pain.” He dropped to his feet and walked over to Chloe. She didn’t see him as he approached. “You’ll taste better soon. Her boyfriend is an idiot, you know.”
“I’m aware. He’ll learn, I suppose.”
The women looked on in confusion. Mxy drew the back of his hand gently along Chloe’s face. Her eyes widened and fixed on Lex questioningly. His alarmed expression frightened her. Lex started to move in their direction quickly.
“What’s going on?” Lois demanded. Mxyzptlk pressed his lips to Chloe’s fiercely, forcing her mouth open and pushing her back onto the desk. A muffled cry came from between their mouths, and Chloe flailed, trying to push off her invisible attacker. “Hey! Mix-piddle… FINK! Get off my cousin!”
Lois proceeded to call him all manner of names, trying to catch his attention away from Chloe. Mxy lifted his head for a moment, flicked his wrist, and flung Lois across the room.
“You talk too much,” he announced. While his head was turned, he had shoved a finger down Chloe’s throat to stop her from closing her mouth then resumed kissing her.
“Mxyzptlk, stop it right now!” Lex grabbed the back of Mxy’s green coat and pulled.
The lithe man disappeared, and Lex fell on top of Chloe, who was still struggling and flailing and popped Lex in the eye. They collapsed into a pile on the floor. Lex sighed and pulled back from her, but did not stand.
“I’m so sorry.” Chloe grimaced and pressed a light fingertip to the sore spot on his face.
“I’m sorrier. I had no idea he would try something like that. How strange.”
“You know what’s stranger?” Chloe stood to look for her cousin. She grazed her fingers over her mouth then curled her arms up against herself. “That felt familiar. Is that weird?”
“With his powers, you could have met him before, most certainly.”
Lois stood suddenly from where she had fallen and looked around wildly. Lex and Chloe gaped at her in horror.
She had no mouth.
***
Oliver looked out from under his hood and scanned the area. Seemed clear now. People were moving into hiding places. He looked up and saw Clark drop from the sky and slam into the pavement, causing a small crater.
“Uh, nice landing there.”
Clark shrugged. “Things are slowing down. We should check back at The Daily Planet. See if they’ve found anything.”
“I suppose. Do you trust Luthor to give us anything he finds?”
“I trust him to serve his own best interests.”
“Yeah, and how did it serve his best interests to tell Lois who I am? You’d think he’d keep that for blackmail purposes.”
Clark scoffed. “You were pissing him off.”
Oliver put his bow away and strolled back in the direction of The Daily Planet. “It’s a miracle your secrets haven’t been spilled everywhere. You piss him off a lot.”
“He’s never told anyone my secrets. He…” Clark looked around the city. It was in ruins from the chaos. “Well, once when he was investigating me he tipped off this loony reporter while he was investigating the meteor rocks, but I’m really pretty sure that was an accident.”
“You bought that?”
“It’s not like he gave me an excuse about it. Lex has a valid reason to be interested in the meteor showers. Now more than ever.”
Oliver lifted his leg over the side of his motorcycle. “That sounds odd coming from you.”
“Plus, he shot his minion for disobeying his order to leave my family alone.”
“Now, that I understand.” Oliver put on his helmet and stared back at Clark from behind his black sunglasses.
Clark shrugged. “To his credit, though, he’s never told anyone else his suspicions. Like the military or something. I mean, it’s obvious he thinks something is up, but as far as I know. He’s never turned around and told anyone anything he knew. He never even told Lana, and I think that would get him more sway with her than anything.”
“Huh. That’s weird.”
“Lex is weird. Once, he lost his memory after… but once he completely knew my secret, and he was in a real jam and my secret could have gotten him out of there. Even after I told him I wouldn’t help him out? He still didn’t tell.” Clark sighed. “I don’t think I’ll ever really get him.”
“You and me both. He’s slick. Hard man to catch. But,” Oliver said, starting his motorcycle. “We can both work on pinning him down.”
Clark nodded. Oliver sped off, and Clark followed, just as fast.
As soon as they reached The Daily Planet, they headed upstairs immediately.
“Lois is going to be talking my ear off,” Oliver grumbled. They walked into the Pit and looked around for their friends.
“I told you to tell her.”
“Meh meh meh.” Oliver turned around and pulled his hood and glasses back. “Where the hell is everyone?”
Clark narrowed his eyes and x-rayed the building. “They’re up in that office. Wow.”
“What?”
“Monkey. Monkey trying to kiss Chloe.” Clark ran up the stairs. Oliver followed behind swiftly.
“…the best bet at this point.” Lex looked up from where he was sitting on the couch next to Chloe. A monkey in a cheap suit was trying to pull its fingers through her hair.
“Done making the city safe for the proud citizens of Metropolis?” Chloe asked giving a quirky smile. Clark shrugged self-depreciatively. “Lex and I are trying to come up with something to do.”
“In cases like this, there’s likely to be a magical name,” Lex said quietly. “I mean, he is like a wish granter, but… he’s just not limited in the same way they usually are.”
“Less like a genie and more like Rumplestiltskin,” Chloe said. “But just guessing what it is might be impossible. Are the hospitals still open?” She struggled Jimmy down onto the floor. “Stay, Jimmy. I don’t need you to groom me.”
“Yeah, Met General is pretty full.” Clark looked Lex over worriedly. He did look pretty bad, but not that much worse than before. He was just rubbing the back of his neck and looking as though he had a headache.
“I’m not going to the hospital,” Lex snapped.
Oliver sat on the other side of the sofa. “So… we find the leprechaun’s magic name and we say it backwards three times fast? Do we have to find some halfings in Mordor first? Or can we just jump on our Quidditch brooms and fly over the rainbow to start the search?”
“As fun as that mixed metaphor sounds--” Chloe said ironically. “And I’m a little disturbed that you know all of those references-- Lex tried to get him to make a deal with us to go away and fix everything but Mxy… got a little frisky.”
”They often like to gamble,” Lex explained in a low voice. He rubbed his temple. “We should try again the next time he appears and lock him into an agreement. He’ll keep it.”
Lois walked in with several bags of food. Oliver got a look at her and gaped. She strode over to the desk, dropped the food down, and flipped him off.
“Okay,” he said, nodding a little. “Got the message.”
She pointed to the bags then to Lex and glared at him meaningfully. He sighed.
“I don’t know why you people persist on trying to take care of me. I’ve been doing it on my own for the better part of 26 years.”
“Maybe because you look like warmed over death,” Oliver said harshly. He stepped towards Lois who sidestepped him and walked over to help Chloe deal with Jimmy so her cousin could eat. Chloe darted off to wash her hands and nodded to Clark to dig in.
“Lois, please don’t be that way,” Oliver begged.
Her eyes were hard and angry. Lex got up from the sofa so that he wouldn’t be stuck between them. Clark gave him an accusing look, and Lex turned away.
“I’m sorry I lied to you,” Oliver pleaded.
Lois made a scoffing noise in her throat. She grabbed a notepad and scribbled on it, then held it up: I dont care that U lied U idiot! UR a theif and U kidnaped and attaked me! ASSHOLE!
Oliver sighed. “You have to let me explain. I never meant to hurt you, and I never kidnapped you!”
“No, he had me kidnapped,” Lex said jovially, moving toward the door. “His employees tortured me, shot me, and took so much of my blood that I passed out.”
Oliver’s mouth dropped open as Lex slipped out the door. He could feel Clark’s eyes joining Lois’ on him. Lex! That ass!
“I didn’t order them to do any of that!” Oliver protested. “I just wanted to see-“
“If he had powers?” Clark exploded. “You’re no better than he is!”
“There’s a big difference in having someone tortured and trying to find out the truth!”
Clark shook his head in disbelief and stormed out of the office. Oliver looked after him at a loss. He turned back to Lois.
“I… didn’t have him tortured. I didn’t know they took his blood, Lois. I didn’t…”
She rolled her eyes and wiggled her head a little derisively. She ripped a piece of paper off and wrote again:
DUMASS.
Just then Oliver heard Clark cry out Lex’s name. He ran out in time to see Lex falling down the stairs and Clark speeding to catch him. Lois came behind him a second later, and Clark had Lex in his arms. Blood dripped from his head.
“He fainted. Hit his head on the rail before I could get to him.” Clark looked up at them with a fearful expression. Lois made wild gestures with her hands and eventually pointed at the office. Clark got up and carried him back up the stairs, leaning his injured head on his shoulder tenderly. Lois turned to Oliver, pressed her hand to her chest, and then pointed energetically. Oliver shook his head in confusion. She made an angry noise and pulled him with her.
Back in the office, Clark laid Lex out on the sofa and touched the tips of his fingers to the lump forming on the otherwise smooth head. “Wow, that’s bleeding a lot.”
Jimmy was dancing around the room unattended. He peeked in the bags and found some bananas that Lois had gotten for him. “Eeeee!!! Ee! Eeeeee!”
Clark tried to ignore Jimmy and decide what to do. Lex was hurt. He needed to know how hurt and if they did need to move him to a hospital. Maybe the one in Smallville. The ones in Metropolis were probably too full to help him immediately. Clark narrowed his eyes and x-rayed Lex’s skull. Not broken. Probably a concussion, though. He scanned down the rest of his body, just to be sure.
Oliver and Lois returned with a first aid kit and Chloe. Clark was kneeling beside Lex, his eyes wide as plates and his mouth agape.
“What? Is it bad, Clark?” Chloe asked. She went down to where Clark was, as Lois grabbed the first aid kit from Oliver and started to tend to Lex’s bump.
“I think…” He motioned for her to get closer and lowered his voice. “Chloe, he’s-“
“Unnn,” Lex groaned a little. Clark drew in a breath tensely.
“Oh, uh. Hold still, Lex,” Oliver said uncertainly. The bald man’s eyes were still closed. Lois dabbed the wound with antiseptic.
“…’kay,” Lex managed. He frowned deeply. Lois began to wrap a bandage around his head, lifting it up just a bit. “Ah!”
“It’s okay, Lex. She’ll be done in a minute. We’ll get some ice for you,” Clark said, trying to sound supportive.
“I must look pitiful if you’re trying to coddle me.”
“You’re fine. You just hit your head. Again.” Clark tried to sound like he was joking a little. He was rewarded with a single, dry laugh.
Lex wrenched an eye open and looked over Lois. “Thanks. I guess… I swooned after all.”
Lois’s cheeks dimpled in an attempted smile and waved as though to say no problem. Lex started to sit up. She pushed him back down and glared protectively.
“Stay… stay still, Lex.” Clark put a hand gently on his chest. Lois looked at him curiously. She pointed to the pillows on the other side of the couch. Clark grabbed them for her, and she lifted Lex’s head again to arrange them underneath. Then she gave Lex a little thumbs-up.
“Lex, I need to tell you something.” Clark moved in a little closer, so he could speak quietly. Lex was trying to focus on his face. Clark looked into his eyes trying to make sure Lex was awake enough to understand. “You…. You didn’t lose the baby.”
“What are you talking about?” Lex asked. Clark moved his hand over Lex’s stomach. Something in Clark’s wide eyes communicated what he was trying to say to him. Lex moved his hand over Clark’s, and he opened his mouth slightly. “That crazy imp… I’m pregnant?”
Clark eyes creased sympathetically. He didn’t quite smile, but Lex’s face was crumbling and hopeful and maybe looking a little tearful all at the prospect of his baby being alive and safe, and good god, inside him. Clark whispered to him that it was okay, the baby looked fine.
Lex didn’t hear what the others had to say. He passed out again. It was only for a few moments, but when he awoke, Clark was setting ice on his head and explaining to a bewildered Oliver what was going on. A little moan escaped Lex’s lips, and Clark whipped around to him.
“Lex?”
“Still me. Ugh. Still pregnant?”
Clark smiled slightly. “Think so.”
“Okay,” Lex took a breath. “Okay. Let’s…”
“You’re taking this well,” Oliver said in the silence as Lex tried to gather his scattered thoughts.
It took a moment for him to come up with some kind of response. “At least I’m not a fat-sucking vampire.”
Chloe chuckled and nodded to Oliver. “Yeah, we had one of those.”
“And I haven’t been bodily invaded by aliens. Well… invaded but not by an alien this time. Not so bad.” Lex reached up weakly and pressed the ice to his head. Clark removed his hand. “We have to keep an eye on what Mxyzptlk is up to… and I still think we need to meet him on his own terms. I have no means of forcing him to do what we want.”
Clark stroked Lex’s shoulder. “We will. Just rest right now.”
“Clark,” Lex warned.
“If you don’t cool it, you’re not going to be able to help when we need you,” Clark admonished. He got up and fetched some food and a bottle of water. Lex took the water and tried lifted it to his lips. “You’d better eat.”
Lex raised a brow skeptically. “I won’t be able to keep it down.”
“Try anyway? Just a little, and stay still.” Clark raised the plate. Lex tore off a small bit of the sandwich and nibbled on it. Lex was looking at him almost suspiciously. “What?”
“Hm?” Lex chewed thoughtfully. He masked his face over to exude the utmost seriousness. Clark frowned at him but said nothing. When he was sure Lex was going to stay put, Clark got up and moved over to Chloe, who was eating while Lois offered Jimmy another banana. He pushed it away and stood on his head They were listening to that radio station that played during city-wide crises, so Clark sat with them and helped himself to a late lunch.
Some kind of… monster… wait.
Chloe turned up the radio.
I’m not sure what it is, but we’re getting reports of a monster… it came from the airport… and has destroyed everything in its path… sucking the life out of those surrounding it…
Lex propped himself up a little more and started to listen. “They’re dead? That… that’s not like Mxy.”
”So you said before, Lex,” Chloe replied softly. “How well do you know him? And how many have died already because of the chaos?”
Lex shrugged. “I’m usually a good judge of character, but I could be wrong about him.”
Okay, if you see the monster, it has a lion’s mane… two faces… tentacles… get out of the way. No one who came in contact with this thing has woken up.
“Alive. They’re still alive,” Lex insisted.
“But as good as dead,” Oliver grumbled.
“No, we can save them, can’t we? Lex?” Clark looked to him hopefully.
“I have confidence he can reverse everything that he’s done, but we have to convince him to do so.”
Clark nodded and stood up. “So we have to stop that thing.”
“Off to play the hero for the humans, Clark?” Mxyzptlk appeared out of nowhere, again floating as he sat cross-legged.
“You have to stop this! People are getting hurt!”
Chloe looked around wildly. She jumped up, grabbed both Lois and Jimmy by the hand and moved backward, her eyes flitting around trying to see who Clark was talking to.
“The girl is skittish,” Mxy remarked. He touched down on his toes lightly and walked up to Clark.
“She has a good reason. You shouldn’t have forced yourself on her,” Lex admonished. Mxy crossed his arms and smiled at him.
“You should be more careful, Lex. Delicate condition.”
“I’m aware. I think, Mxy, since you happen to be responsible for my current condition that we should have a chat,” he replied without amusement. Mxy stepped towards him, but Clark moved to stand in his way.
Mxy grinned eerily. “If I wished, I could rearrange your atoms. You could be a creature made of snot. You could be air.”
“He could be a woman,” Lex suggested. Mxy’s eyes lit up.
“Lex!” Clark protested. He cringed as he heard his own voice chiming so much higher. He heard nervous laugher from Oliver and a surprised squeak from Chloe. He looked down at his tight blue shirt and saw it fitting snugly around a truly spectacular pair of breasts. He sighed. “Don’t help me, Lex.”
“Was I trying to help?”
“You should be trying to help!” Clark wailed, frustrated with Lex’s behavior. Lex lifted his chin.
“Let’s make a bet, Mxy. Let’s play. What is it going to take to reverse all of this?” he asked. Mxy rubbed his chin and walked around Clark.
Then slapped his ass.
”Hey!”
“What are the terms?” Mxy asked with interest. Clark turned around, feeling his boobs jiggle. He tried to fix his face as aggressively as he could get it.
“You fix everything you’ve done since you left Lex’s lab back to the way it was! All the transformation and magic and all the people that got hurt!” Clark demanded. “And you go home to your dimension!”
Lex opened his mouth and began to speak. “Wai-“
Mxy licked his lips eagerly. “Agreed. I will do it. If you can trick me into saying my name backwards. Speaking, writing, typing. Whatever you can come up with.”
“Uh… “ Clark waffled. He had no idea how he would be able to do that. Lex had closed his mouth tightly and was looking with firm resignation at his hand resting on his stomach.
Mxy knocked on his own head lightly. “Brain tease. Good luck, Kally. And you’d better go stop that monster.” He looked down his sharp nose at Lex on the couch. “Maybe you should get some Natalins.”
He blinked out of existence again. Lex sighed.
“What?” Clark asked irritably. Lex said nothing. He pulled his t-shirt down self-consciously and crossed his arms over his breasts. “Alright, Oliver, we’ve got to stop that thing. Or contain it or something. It could be a person that he transformed.”
“That’s a distinct possibility,” Lex said, sounding somewhat preoccupied. Clark glared at him.
“Oh, yeah. Thanks for these!” Clark turned around and spread his arms, displaying his chest.
Oliver burst into laughter and nodded his head eagerly. “Very nice.”
“Did you have to give him ideas?” Clark complained.
“Rather be a snot monster, would you?” Lex asked sharply, finally looking up from his midsection.
“Snot monster?” Chloe asked. Clark’s posture relaxed.
“Mxy was um… contemplating what to do with me. Snot monster came up.”
Lois scribbled on her pad and held it up. GIRL IS BETTER!!!
“So, why don’t you stop your complaining, Kally and take down the lion monster? Hm?” Lex’s voice had grown sarcastic.
“Mood swings much?” Clark snapped.
“Better hope you don’t get your period while you’re out fighting evil,” Lex returned bitchily.
“Maybe you should start knitting some pink booties while I’m gone,” Clark returned, coming over to give his belly a rub. Lex smacked his hand.
“For your information, they’ll be lavender booties.” Lex said with venom and seriousness that Clark couldn’t help it. He laughed. Actually, giggled. Like a girl. And it made his chest shake. Oh, god, he couldn’t wait for this nightmare to be over. He needed a bra. Clark stormed out of the room. Oliver waved to the two women, pulled on his hood and glasses, and followed.
Lex felt his eyes drooping. He was just exhausted and could barely keep his eyes open. He began to nod off, but Jimmy started to chatter and tried to put his hands up Chloe’s shirt. Lois tapped Chloe on the shoulder and pointed to him.
“Oh, whoa. No sleeping for you.” She got up and walked over to his side.
“Sorry,” he said weakly.
“Don’t be, I’m just… you know, worried about the concussion.” She leaned over. “Is it okay if I look at your pupils?”
“Have fun.”
She leaned over him and looked into his eyes. “Geez.”
Lex groaned as she pulled him up into a sitting position.
“Upsy daisy,” she said with false cheer. Lois came over and sat near them. Lex closed his eyes and tried to keep himself steady. Suddenly, there was a hand rubbing circles on his back. He peeked a little. It was Lois, looking anxiously at him.
“It’s okay. I’m just dizzy.”
Lois nodded.
“I think I have an idea… on how we can get all of this fixed.”
“Oh?” Chloe leaned forward curiously, watching them. Jimmy sidled over to her and pushed his lips out as far as he could.
“Depending on if you’re as good with hardware as you are with software… or I could do it once my head clears. And we need a lure.”
“Bounce it off me… or will he be listening?”
Lex shook his head. “He wouldn’t consider it fair.”
“Then let’s get to work.”
***
Clark reached the scene first. There was no question where the monster was. He’d seen black and white Japanese horror films with more subtlety. He sped around the side of a demolished building. The creature shook its mane and roared angrily.
Then a second creature… a large cow with swinging udders shooting milk into the streets. A few people were getting washed away. Clark zoomed over to them, plucked them up, and deposited them on higher ground.
“Hey.... uh, try to keep moving. Okay?” He ignored the bewildered look on their faces. Nothing to be done about it. They had spotted him and would probably recognize his face. He sped back to where the monsters were smashing up the city.
“CLARK!” Oliver waved from a rooftop. Clark figured that he had seen the milk streaming down the streets and gone for the grappling hooks. With a big leap he soared over the giant cow and landed beside Oliver. “You do a lot of collateral damage.”
“If I do less damage than the monsters, I think I’ll come out on top,” Clark said. He pointed at the two monsters. “You have anything like a tranquilizer? I can probably take the tentacle thing, if you can take down the cow.”
“Or I could just shoot them through the eye. Straight to the brain.” Oliver leaned on his left knee and looked down at them.
“Maybe, but… Mxy’s been turning people into bouncy balls and stuff. Maybe-“
“Maybe they were human. Damn.” Oliver rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Okay, I have a knockout gas, but I’ll have to get closer and just tear the thing off and stick it up the cow’s nose. What are you going to do with the tentacle monster?”
“Um… shake my moneymaker?” Clark gave a little shimmy. Then stopped immediately when Oliver started to really look at his chest. He crossed his arms over the girls. “Stoppit.”
“Sorry, man. You’re a hot woman.”
“Shut up!” Clark whined.
They both fell to their knees as a tentacle struck the base of their building. Clark grabbed Oliver from behind and leapt from the crumbling structure. They landed on another roof.
“Wow.”
”Do you need me to drop you on the cow?”
Oliver shook his head. “No, I got it.”
He began prying something off his utility belt. “Head out, boyscout. I’ll be fine. Tentacles over there is doing more damage than the cow.”
“But the cow is going to end up flooding the city. Okay, here I go.” Clark jumped from the building and landed behind the tentacle monster, attracting its attention. He grabbed a free tentacle and sped around it, intending to start tying the tentacles together. That was when one of the free arms slapped him straight across the chest.
“Ohhhh….” Clark never knew that breasts got so tender. Another tentacle wrapped itself around his neck.
This sucked! Meteor freaks never had so damn many arms. And they never groped him either. This monster was a pervert!
***
“Mxy! Hey, can we talk? I mean, so I can see you?” Chloe sat on the desk, swinging her legs. “I put Jimmy away.”
She looked over to Lex, who was now lying back on the couch. His eyes weren’t quite as dilated now, so she’d rubbed his belly a little (and amazingly not lost a hand for it) and convinced him to rest. “He isn’t coming. I don’t think I’m nearly as cute as I thought.”
“You’re cute.” The voice came from behind her shoulder. Chloe turned and saw the dark, intense eyes of a chaotic imp.
“H-hi. Um.” Her heart sped up.
“You wanted something?” He sat cross-legged behind her.
“I want Clark not to die. Is there any way I can assure that?”
“Chloe,” Lex warned. She waved him off.
“Come on. You like me, right? If Clark is okay, then that’s great, but the radio isn’t exactly giving me good news here.”
“It’s always about Clark with you,” Lex snapped jealously.
“It’s always about Clark with you, too!” she shouted back. “Come on. Tell me you don’t wish that was Clark’s baby in your belly.”
“Hey!”
“You’d do anything to save him.” She looked to Mxyzptlk with imploring eyes. “So would I. Please. We can… I dunno. Date? Do you have like a number or…”
“While I’m on this plane, I have in fact created an identity for myself. I could certainly make myself available.” His thin lips spread into an impossibly wide grin.
Chloe sighed softly and pulled out her cell phone. “Okay, um. What’s the…”
“Clark will not die. I promise you this,” he breathed the words into the back of her neck. She smiled at him.
”Thank you. Oh god. I mean, I know we’ll never be together, but…” She grabbed his face and gave him a hard kiss on the cheek. “Right, so… Mxyettle-“
“Mxyzptlk.”
“Sorry, Mxyz- M.I.X-“
“No! Let me type it in.” The imp took her phone away and typed in his name. He blinked and looked up at her with a mixture of irritation and admiration. After he had typed his name, it appeared backwards in the phone. “I made the deal with Clark.”
“No, you made the deal with Lex and Clark, and this was mostly Lex’s idea.” She shrugged.
Mxyzptlk looked over at Lex and narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Lex smirked a little then puckered his lips flirtatiously in a mock kiss at him as he gave a little wave from the couch. Mxy grinned and shook his head. “Awww. Lexy! Next time, Kally’s going to have to take me on by himself.”
He shook his head and handed Chloe back her phone. He leaned in to kiss her, and she tried to push him away. “What does an imp from the 5th dimension see in me anyway?”
“You’re on the cusp of being more than you are. In betweens are fascinating… Kiss me.”
“I have a boyfriend,” she protested. Mxy wrapped his arms around her.
“One kiss. He won’t remember any of this.”
“Oh, you’re asking now? Instead of… forcing yourself on me?” she asked angrily. He smiled, looking in approval at her. She seemed to remember… that smug little smile. “Or using your powers to force me to kiss you?!”
“You remember.” His smile widened, and he seemed proud of her.
Chloe’s eyes began to tear up, and she struggled again to get away. Lois marched over with the intent to pull them apart. Mxy lifted up and flew out of her reach.
“Hey, asshole-“ Lois stopped in her place and put her hand to her mouth. “Oh thank whoever. Anyway, forcing yourself on a girl is so not okay. Get away from my cousin!”
“Is this a rule?”
“Yes!”
Chloe stepped away from them and looked outside the window. The crack pavement, overturned cars, unconscious people, they were all gone. The city was going on with its daily business as though nothing had happened.
“Thank you. For fixing everything,” Chloe said. Mxy shrugged.
“It was our deal. Goodbye, friends. I’m going home now. It has been a very long time.”
He put a finger beside his nose and faded out, leaving his wide toothy grin and dark eyes for a moment for disappearing completely.
“Very Cheshire cat. Oh, god, it’s good to smile. Good to laugh. Good to, oh god, Chloe, I’m starving!” Lois ran over to the bags of food on the counter and rifled through them to see if there was anything left. Chloe looked over at Lex.
“How are people going to deal with what just happened?”
Lex gingerly touched his head then began to unravel the bandages to reveal his uninjured head. “It’s likely no one will remember.”
“Remember what?” Lois asked, her mouth full of sandwich. She chewed eagerly as the two stared at her.
“Very likely that no one will remember.”
“Will I forget?” Chloe asked.
Lois took a large swig of root beer. “Forget what? What’s with the powwow here? Why do we have Junior hanging around at The Planet?”
“You might forget,” Lex said. He stood up and headed toward the door.
“Hello? Can’t anyone hear me?” Lois looked at them angrily.
“I’ll tell you in a minute.”
Jimmy stood up and scratched behind his ear. “Okay, wow. What just happened? Why does my mouth taste like bananas?”
Chloe turned to talk to Lex, but he had already left. Pauline stormed into the office with a fierce look on her face. “What exactly are you kids doing?”
“That’s what we’re trying to find out,” Lois said. “You remember what you’ve been doing all day?”
Pauline glowered at them. “…No.”
“Don’t you think that’s a little weird? I should do a story on this. Do you remember anything, Jimmy?”
He shook his head and stepped over to Chloe to put his arms around her. She stood there, waiting for her consciousness to fade.
“A… city-wide case of amnesia. That’s something to look into?” Chloe said to Lois.
“I’ll put Terry on it,” Pauline said before turning around and leaving the room.
“Obviously aliens.” Lois grinned and took another bite of sandwich.
“It’s always aliens with you.” Jimmy laughed. Chloe didn’t laugh. She wondered where Clark was and picked up her phone to call him.
“Checking on Clark.”
***
Clark had fallen to the ground suddenly. He’d thought that this would be the end of him or at least he was in for a more realistic than desirable tentacle rape, but the tentacle had vanished, and he was now tangled up with someone else. Someone’s hand on his chest made him realize that he was, in fact, a ‘he’ once more.
“Hold still.” Clark moved away and sat up. It was Lionel Luthor.
“My word… what happened here?” Lionel looked around. Martha was sitting on the concrete looking just as bewildered where the cow monster had been. Oliver scrambled off of her and looked around.
“I have no idea,” Oliver said. He looked at Martha. “Sorry, M’am!”
“I don’t know that I could even begin to explain it to you. This… imp or something started turning people into crazy things. It turned you guys into monsters, and took away Lois’ mouth, and got Lex pregnant!”
“What?!” Lionel exclaimed.
“But I think Lex must have figured out a way to make him reverse everything, because…” Clark shrugged. “You aren’t monsters anymore.”
“Well, thank goodness.” Martha stood and brushed off her skirt.
“I hope I was helpful?” Oliver asked. Clark glared at him. “What did I do?”
“You don’t remember what Lex said, but you didn’t deny what you did to him.”
“What?” Oliver stepped closer and lowered his voice. “In school? I never have.”
“No, Green Arrow. You kidnapped and tortured him. You experimented on him.” Clark shook his head. “I know you said you didn’t mean for it to happen, but… how many times do you think something gets out of control with Lex? How many times do you think I’m dealing with a situation he didn’t plan? That he thought would help? What you did to him isn’t that far from what he’s wanted to do to me, but he chose not to, and y’know…” Clark rolled his shoulders uncomfortably. “You say that you didn’t have your scientists take his blood, but they did. And I don’t know you well enough to say that you aren’t lying.”
“Clark, hang on there! I’m not some mad scientist. You know that much! I didn’t even know they took his blood.”
“Hiatus. We need a break. And if you’re really sorry, you should go talk to Lex and find out exactly what your employees did to him. Your people had a serum not too long ago that regenerated people’s wounds, right?”
Oliver nodded.
“That might be why Lex was so involved. His power is healing. It might have been his blood they were experimenting with.”
Oliver opened his mouth then closed it. He gave Clark a little salute. “I’ll check it out.”
Martha and Lionel looked to one another. Lionel stepped closer to Clark. “Do you think Lex is alright now?”
“He fainted from low blood sugar and wonked his head on a railing, but other than that, he’s probably fine and heading back to work or on the helicopter back to Smallville to talk to Lana.” Clark rubbed his mouth. “I hope she doesn’t remember this. It’s hard enough on them as it is.”
“I’d say. It must have bothered her to find out the man she’s been with was pregnant,” Martha said. She looked around. “How are we going to get back home?”
“I’ll call a car,” Lionel offered.
“Lana never knew he was,” Clark said. He gave his mother a hug. “I’m glad you’re not a cow.”
“What??” Martha exclaimed, making a fishlike expression in her surprise.
Clark’s cell phone rang, and he took it, grinning at his mother’s expression.
***
“Lex, where the hell have you been? I’ve been worried.” Lana came clipping up to him, clearly angry. “You could have called!”
“Not… not really, no I couldn’t have. Things were pretty crazy in Metropolis today.”
“So I hear. Do you remember what happened? The news is saying everyone in the city has amnesia.” She watched his face in concern. “You look tired.”
“I slept most of the way back.” He walked wearily towards his office. “Um, yes, I remember what happened.”
She followed him eagerly, with demanding eyes. He walked into the office and slumped onto the couch. “What is it? You can tell me, Lex.”
“Mxyzptlk made a nightmare out of the city. But don’t worry, Clark, Chloe, and I handled it.”
“Oh.” She sat beside him and took his hand reassuringly. “Well, it’s all over now.”
“No, it isn’t.” Lex looked up at her seriously. “We need to talk. I don’t know that we’re on the same page about certain things, but circumstances have changed, and I think it could be for the best for the both of us.”
She smiled slightly as she creased her brows. He looked into her eyes intensely.
***
Clark waited for Lex’s butler to ask permission before he was allowed into the study. Walking in, Clark thought that Lex must have the coldest fireplace known to man. There Lex was, sitting by it alone wrapped in a blanket. He noticed that the bandages were gone from his head, and there was no trace of a bump. Mxy must have done the favor.
“Lex,” Clark re-announced himself softly. Lex twisted his head just a bit and nodded, so Clark walked slowly around the sofa, which had been pulled up so Lex could sit closer to the flames. To his surprise, Lex’s face was completely open, in a way he hadn’t seen in a long time. Well, not while he was conscious. “Are you okay?”
“Clark, do you ever wish you could travel back in time?” He leaned his head to the side and looked sideways at Clark, who came closer slowly, as though he didn’t want to spook the man before him.
“Sometimes.” Clark sat down, not too closely. Lex stared into the fire.
“I do. Constantly. I’m always looking back and trying to think of things I could have done. Maybe something I could have noticed. Fix things. Make them better. Especially that fiasco with Milton Fine. I think I could have…” His lower lip wrinkled, and his eyes were uncertain for a moment, then it was gone. “Lived without what he did to me. My father perceives this as a flaw. I shouldn’t look back and want to change things. I should only look to the future.”
“We saved the day though. Today anyway. Well, you did.”
“Chloe helped, and so did you. That’s not really what I’m talking about. I’m not displeased with how this turned out. It could have been a lot worse.”
Clark watched him for several minutes before Lex spoke again.
“Lana left me.”
“What? Why? After we fixed things, the baby should be back, and you guys should be good, right?” Clark immediately questioned that hopeful tone in his own voice. He didn’t want them together at all. Maybe he’d just seen Lex hurting so much today that he didn’t want to watch him go through a messy breakup.
“Mxy used his magic on Lana and I before he left the lab. I’m still pregnant, Clark.”
Clark craned his head back a little. “I… didn’t… sorry.”
“I shouldn’t have let you speak with him when we were setting the terms. I suppose.”
Clark reached out for his shoulder and hesitated, expecting Lex to recoil from his touch. He didn’t, but looked over at Clark with his ever-questioning eyes. Clark rubbed Lex’s shoulder with more affection than he realized he had in him for the man.
“Wait, so you told her that you’re pregnant, and she just abandoned you?” Clark said suddenly. He felt anger at the back of his throat.
“I wouldn’t use the term abandon. I have all the money, after all.” Lex replied dryly. Clark’s nostrils flared.
“Still. Still, that’s just! You don’t do that! She helped make that baby! She can’t just leave you alone. She’s a… deadbeat mom!”
Lex’s eyes came to life a little bit, and he looked bitterly amused. “She felt trapped. Now she’s free, and I’m not. It’s fine.”
“No, Lex, it’s not.”
Suddenly, Clark had drawn Lex into a hug, and he felt wetness coming from his eyes. He held Lex tightly trying to put warmth into that cold, lonely body in this cold, lonely mansion. After he released him, Clark could see that Lex’s eyes were still dry while his own were overflowing. He stayed close and kept his arm around Lex. He felt as though he were crying for him, tears Lex couldn’t let himself shed.
“What do you wish you could change, Lex?” Clark’s voice cracked.
”Oh, so many things.” He laid his head on Clark’s shoulder. Lex jumped a little when Clark started caressing his head, trying to comfort him. He had to fight the urge to fly from the couch and get his gun. He never knew when Clark was going to protect him or be the one he needed protection from.
But he was tired. So goddamn tired. He relaxed into Clark’s arms and felt the larger man’s heat entering his body. He closed his eyes and let Clark hold him.
Pairing: Lexana, Chimmy, Clex, Lollie
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: AU after Subterranean S6, spoilers through that point.
Warnings: mpreg, crack
Summary: Mr. Mxyzptlk returns. Woe to us all.
Notes: I started writing this directly after Subterranean, thus predictions to the later parts of the season are coincidental. I’ll probably write a sequel/continuation to this after if finish a few WiPs, but as of the moment, it stays as it is.
Part Two
Chloe grimaced, watching poor Lex dry heave behind a building. They were almost to The Daily Planet, and he had more than once suggested they go on and let him catch up. Clark gave her a concerned look, and when Lex returned, Clark picked him up like a baby and started to carry him.
“This is absolutely unnecessary. I can walk,” Lex snapped. Clark shook his head.
“You’re sick. You’re going to collapse. “
Lex sighed and closed his eyes. He rested his head limply on Clark’s shoulder and tried not to rebel at the situation. As far as efficiency and speed went, this really was the best way. He wasn’t enjoying being held so conscientiously at all. Not at all.
When Lex opened his eyes, someone was laughing.
“Is the big bad billionaire too good to walk for himself?” Lois crowed. Lex looked around to see that they had arrived at the Planet. He hadn’t noticed. Clark eased Lex to his feet. Lex swayed but held out a hand to indicate that he would be fine.
“Where’s Jimmy?” Chloe asked. Lois motioned with her head upstairs, and Chloe darted off to check on him.
Lex looked up and tried to focus. Lois and the Green Arrow. He’d never gotten a good look at him before… his mouth dropped open. “Oli…”
He snapped it shut and started to laugh so hard that he had to grab onto one of the sofas so he wouldn’t to fall over.
“You have a problem, cue ball?” The Green Arrow boomed. Clark tilted his head at his friend and raised his brows.
Lex calmed himself and looked up in amusement. “That’s an interesting outfit you have there. Didn’t they have a bigger codpiece at the SCA fair?”
Lois snorted. “Wonder what he looks like when you get that shit off of him?”
“With the arrows and the motorcycles? I’m thinking not much.” Lex pressed his lips together trying not to laugh anymore. The shaking was making him dizzy.
“Okay, Warbucks Jr. Why are you part of the Scooby Crew?’ Lois asked, putting her hands on her hips. She looked him up and down. He was damn pale. “You’re looking green. You okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“I think he puked up a kidney on 5th, but he’s great,” Clark said sarcastically. “Okay, so let me give you a basic rundown of what’s going on. Lex, lay down before you collapse.”
“What’s wrong with him?” The Green Arrow asked. Lex flopped back on the couch.
“We don’t know what’s wrong with Lex,” Lex grumbled. “But we know that this is all being caused by an alien from another dimension.”
“If I hadn’t seen a ballet dancing elephant about an hour ago, I’d call you a liar,” Lois said.
Lex frowned and shook his head. “I can’t think what he wants.”
“People are getting hurt out there,” The Green Arrow said accusingly. Clark sat on the arm of the sofa.
“I know. Want some help? You and I on the street? Lois, Chloe, and Lex here try to figure a way to stop Mxyzptlk?” He looked down at Lex and hoped that the color would return to his face soon. The Green Arrow stepped up to him and nodded.
“Hey, wait a second,” Lois argued. “You can’t just run off and play hero.”
“That’s pretty much what I do,” The Green Arrow said.
“Nuh-uh. Big men run off to save the day while the women stay behind? I don’t think so.”
“I’m not a woman,” Lex reminded them. Lois looked down at him and shrugged at her faux pas.
“Close enough,” The Green Arrow quipped. Lex narrowed his eyes and rolled over, struggling to sit up.
“Fine then. You big boys go out and play, and us girls can figure out a way to save the city.” He stood shakily. Lois caught his hand. “Have a good time. Oliver.”
Lois’ head whipped back to get a good look at him. Her eyes zeroed in on his chin. “Son of a…”
Oliver pulled back his hood. “Luthor, you bitch.”
“It takes the impact away after you’ve already called me a woman. FYI? No stuffing in these pants.”
Lois inspected his trousers appreciatively. She slipped her arm around Lex’s waist and walked with him towards the stairs. “I guess us fragile women have to stick together, hm?”
“Lois, wait.” Oliver walked towards them. “Let me explain.”
“Go play, Ollie.”
“Lois, let me-“
”Go!”
***
“Can you believe it? I can’t believe it. He’s the freaken Green Arrow the whole time and did you know I gave him that name?” Lois continued to rant as Lex and Chloe tried to get some information together. Chloe was searching the internet and breaking into a few databases specializing in the occult that Lex had named for her, and Lex was systematically examining all the files he had on faeries and other-planar creatures.
“We might have to head to LuthorCorp for some more information,” he said grimly. Chloe perked up. “Don’t look so happy.”
She immediately pushed her smile upside down, resulting in a comical pout. “That was a hopeful maybe you have something there face?”
Lex shrugged and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Probably not.”
“Hey, how did you know? About Ollie?” Lois demanded, sitting beside them and getting close to Lex.
“I looked at him. How many people have a stalactite for a chin?”
Chloe chuckled. “Oh… that’s cute.”
“I just. Wow. You must have a really good eye for faces.” Lois sat back in her chair.
Chloe gave her a sheepish look and played with her pen. “I um. Well, I kind of knew when I saw, too.”
“What? When?”
“Today.” Chloe grimaced. Lois’ mouth was wide open.
“You did not. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Chloe held up her hands. “I dunno! I thought I’d give him the chance to fess up before I went all… tabloid and spread his business around.”
Lois leaned her face into her hand. “Yeah. I can see that. Well, he deserved to be outted. It’s not smart to antagonize someone who knows your secrets.”
“He looks ridiculous,” Lex muttered. Chloe shook her head and started to browse on her computer again.
“I think he looks hot in his outfit.”
Lex rolled his eyes. “He stuffs. Trust me, I saw him in gym class.”
Lois snorted. “Trust you, huh? If you said good morning, I’d check my watch. Uh… no offense.”
“You’re really helping us here, Lois. Why don’t you go out with the rest of the muscle and…” Lex shook his head trying to think of something. “Sell someone a muffin?”
Chloe covered her mouth but giggles escaped anyway. “Oh, I missed how bitchy you can be when you’re tired and pissed off.”
“Thanks for the support, cuz,” Lois said irritably.
“Sorry, I’m just in a weird mood.”
Lex massaged her shoulder with one hand. “Your boyfriend is a monkey. We’ll give you a little leeway.”
“Thaaaank you,” she replied in a singsong voice. “Ugh. I just don’t know what to do. Extra-dimensional aliens? The weird got a lot harder when I got to college.”
“It was always there. You just hadn’t discovered it yet.” Lex rubbed his legs and looked bleary-eyed.
“You gonna faint on us?” Lois asked, eyeing him carefully. Chloe looked up with concern and scanned his face.
“I may swoon, my dear. Fetch the smelling salts,” Lex said dryly, pressing the back of his hand to his forehead. Lois grinned.
“Okay. What next?”
Lex shrugged. “Hey, Mxy! Want to come chat with us?”
The three of them listened. Nothing happened.
”I’m out of ideas,” Lex said. He stood slowly and headed for Pauline’s office.
“It isn’t like you to give up so soon, Lex.”
He turned to see Mxy floating in the air. He had dressed himself in dark greens and purples and was wearing a bowler hat. Mxy smirked at Lex and watched him as he strolled over.
“You look nice,” Lex remarked. “Love the lavender.”
“Thank you.”
“Mxy, you and I have to talk,” Lex said in a soft but firm voice. Mxy folded his legs and gave Lex a mock version of his own serious facial expression.
“About the little sprout.”
“No…” Lex looked down a moment then met Mxy’s eyes. “You’re creating a bit of a fuss. We need for it to stop. Everyone you’ve turned into something else, whatever magics you’ve been doing since you left the lab. They must be reversed.”
“Oh, is that an order?” His lips curled up in a frightening smile.
“That is a statement. We can’t go on like this.”
“Um…” Lois sucked the side of her mouth for a moment. “Who the hell are you talking to?”
Chloe put her arm on Lois’ arm to keep her still. She watched Lex carefully.
Lex raised the insides of his brows and pursed his lips. “Invisibility, Mxy? Really?”
Mxy floated towards Lex and started to fondle his collar. “Maybe I want some time alone with you before anyone else comes along. Hm?”
“Maybe. Maybe we can. If you care to discuss terms of fixing what you’ve done.”
“Mxyzptlk is only playing around.” Long fingers traced over the contours of Lex’s face. His eyes shone in mischief and slight admiration for the being before him.
“Playing around like this is very dangerous for us.”
Mxy bent over and was within a hair’s breadth of Lex’s face. “You look pale. Feel off? Hm? Little dizzy. Little woozy. Little twinges in your tummy?” His slender fingers darted out to caress Lex’s sides and middle. Lex tolerated the motion for a moment then swatted him away.
“It’s merely psychosomatic. It’ll pass,” Lex said quietly. Mxy smelled him.
“You taste bitter like pain.” He dropped to his feet and walked over to Chloe. She didn’t see him as he approached. “You’ll taste better soon. Her boyfriend is an idiot, you know.”
“I’m aware. He’ll learn, I suppose.”
The women looked on in confusion. Mxy drew the back of his hand gently along Chloe’s face. Her eyes widened and fixed on Lex questioningly. His alarmed expression frightened her. Lex started to move in their direction quickly.
“What’s going on?” Lois demanded. Mxyzptlk pressed his lips to Chloe’s fiercely, forcing her mouth open and pushing her back onto the desk. A muffled cry came from between their mouths, and Chloe flailed, trying to push off her invisible attacker. “Hey! Mix-piddle… FINK! Get off my cousin!”
Lois proceeded to call him all manner of names, trying to catch his attention away from Chloe. Mxy lifted his head for a moment, flicked his wrist, and flung Lois across the room.
“You talk too much,” he announced. While his head was turned, he had shoved a finger down Chloe’s throat to stop her from closing her mouth then resumed kissing her.
“Mxyzptlk, stop it right now!” Lex grabbed the back of Mxy’s green coat and pulled.
The lithe man disappeared, and Lex fell on top of Chloe, who was still struggling and flailing and popped Lex in the eye. They collapsed into a pile on the floor. Lex sighed and pulled back from her, but did not stand.
“I’m so sorry.” Chloe grimaced and pressed a light fingertip to the sore spot on his face.
“I’m sorrier. I had no idea he would try something like that. How strange.”
“You know what’s stranger?” Chloe stood to look for her cousin. She grazed her fingers over her mouth then curled her arms up against herself. “That felt familiar. Is that weird?”
“With his powers, you could have met him before, most certainly.”
Lois stood suddenly from where she had fallen and looked around wildly. Lex and Chloe gaped at her in horror.
She had no mouth.
***
Oliver looked out from under his hood and scanned the area. Seemed clear now. People were moving into hiding places. He looked up and saw Clark drop from the sky and slam into the pavement, causing a small crater.
“Uh, nice landing there.”
Clark shrugged. “Things are slowing down. We should check back at The Daily Planet. See if they’ve found anything.”
“I suppose. Do you trust Luthor to give us anything he finds?”
“I trust him to serve his own best interests.”
“Yeah, and how did it serve his best interests to tell Lois who I am? You’d think he’d keep that for blackmail purposes.”
Clark scoffed. “You were pissing him off.”
Oliver put his bow away and strolled back in the direction of The Daily Planet. “It’s a miracle your secrets haven’t been spilled everywhere. You piss him off a lot.”
“He’s never told anyone my secrets. He…” Clark looked around the city. It was in ruins from the chaos. “Well, once when he was investigating me he tipped off this loony reporter while he was investigating the meteor rocks, but I’m really pretty sure that was an accident.”
“You bought that?”
“It’s not like he gave me an excuse about it. Lex has a valid reason to be interested in the meteor showers. Now more than ever.”
Oliver lifted his leg over the side of his motorcycle. “That sounds odd coming from you.”
“Plus, he shot his minion for disobeying his order to leave my family alone.”
“Now, that I understand.” Oliver put on his helmet and stared back at Clark from behind his black sunglasses.
Clark shrugged. “To his credit, though, he’s never told anyone else his suspicions. Like the military or something. I mean, it’s obvious he thinks something is up, but as far as I know. He’s never turned around and told anyone anything he knew. He never even told Lana, and I think that would get him more sway with her than anything.”
“Huh. That’s weird.”
“Lex is weird. Once, he lost his memory after… but once he completely knew my secret, and he was in a real jam and my secret could have gotten him out of there. Even after I told him I wouldn’t help him out? He still didn’t tell.” Clark sighed. “I don’t think I’ll ever really get him.”
“You and me both. He’s slick. Hard man to catch. But,” Oliver said, starting his motorcycle. “We can both work on pinning him down.”
Clark nodded. Oliver sped off, and Clark followed, just as fast.
As soon as they reached The Daily Planet, they headed upstairs immediately.
“Lois is going to be talking my ear off,” Oliver grumbled. They walked into the Pit and looked around for their friends.
“I told you to tell her.”
“Meh meh meh.” Oliver turned around and pulled his hood and glasses back. “Where the hell is everyone?”
Clark narrowed his eyes and x-rayed the building. “They’re up in that office. Wow.”
“What?”
“Monkey. Monkey trying to kiss Chloe.” Clark ran up the stairs. Oliver followed behind swiftly.
“…the best bet at this point.” Lex looked up from where he was sitting on the couch next to Chloe. A monkey in a cheap suit was trying to pull its fingers through her hair.
“Done making the city safe for the proud citizens of Metropolis?” Chloe asked giving a quirky smile. Clark shrugged self-depreciatively. “Lex and I are trying to come up with something to do.”
“In cases like this, there’s likely to be a magical name,” Lex said quietly. “I mean, he is like a wish granter, but… he’s just not limited in the same way they usually are.”
“Less like a genie and more like Rumplestiltskin,” Chloe said. “But just guessing what it is might be impossible. Are the hospitals still open?” She struggled Jimmy down onto the floor. “Stay, Jimmy. I don’t need you to groom me.”
“Yeah, Met General is pretty full.” Clark looked Lex over worriedly. He did look pretty bad, but not that much worse than before. He was just rubbing the back of his neck and looking as though he had a headache.
“I’m not going to the hospital,” Lex snapped.
Oliver sat on the other side of the sofa. “So… we find the leprechaun’s magic name and we say it backwards three times fast? Do we have to find some halfings in Mordor first? Or can we just jump on our Quidditch brooms and fly over the rainbow to start the search?”
“As fun as that mixed metaphor sounds--” Chloe said ironically. “And I’m a little disturbed that you know all of those references-- Lex tried to get him to make a deal with us to go away and fix everything but Mxy… got a little frisky.”
”They often like to gamble,” Lex explained in a low voice. He rubbed his temple. “We should try again the next time he appears and lock him into an agreement. He’ll keep it.”
Lois walked in with several bags of food. Oliver got a look at her and gaped. She strode over to the desk, dropped the food down, and flipped him off.
“Okay,” he said, nodding a little. “Got the message.”
She pointed to the bags then to Lex and glared at him meaningfully. He sighed.
“I don’t know why you people persist on trying to take care of me. I’ve been doing it on my own for the better part of 26 years.”
“Maybe because you look like warmed over death,” Oliver said harshly. He stepped towards Lois who sidestepped him and walked over to help Chloe deal with Jimmy so her cousin could eat. Chloe darted off to wash her hands and nodded to Clark to dig in.
“Lois, please don’t be that way,” Oliver begged.
Her eyes were hard and angry. Lex got up from the sofa so that he wouldn’t be stuck between them. Clark gave him an accusing look, and Lex turned away.
“I’m sorry I lied to you,” Oliver pleaded.
Lois made a scoffing noise in her throat. She grabbed a notepad and scribbled on it, then held it up: I dont care that U lied U idiot! UR a theif and U kidnaped and attaked me! ASSHOLE!
Oliver sighed. “You have to let me explain. I never meant to hurt you, and I never kidnapped you!”
“No, he had me kidnapped,” Lex said jovially, moving toward the door. “His employees tortured me, shot me, and took so much of my blood that I passed out.”
Oliver’s mouth dropped open as Lex slipped out the door. He could feel Clark’s eyes joining Lois’ on him. Lex! That ass!
“I didn’t order them to do any of that!” Oliver protested. “I just wanted to see-“
“If he had powers?” Clark exploded. “You’re no better than he is!”
“There’s a big difference in having someone tortured and trying to find out the truth!”
Clark shook his head in disbelief and stormed out of the office. Oliver looked after him at a loss. He turned back to Lois.
“I… didn’t have him tortured. I didn’t know they took his blood, Lois. I didn’t…”
She rolled her eyes and wiggled her head a little derisively. She ripped a piece of paper off and wrote again:
DUMASS.
Just then Oliver heard Clark cry out Lex’s name. He ran out in time to see Lex falling down the stairs and Clark speeding to catch him. Lois came behind him a second later, and Clark had Lex in his arms. Blood dripped from his head.
“He fainted. Hit his head on the rail before I could get to him.” Clark looked up at them with a fearful expression. Lois made wild gestures with her hands and eventually pointed at the office. Clark got up and carried him back up the stairs, leaning his injured head on his shoulder tenderly. Lois turned to Oliver, pressed her hand to her chest, and then pointed energetically. Oliver shook his head in confusion. She made an angry noise and pulled him with her.
Back in the office, Clark laid Lex out on the sofa and touched the tips of his fingers to the lump forming on the otherwise smooth head. “Wow, that’s bleeding a lot.”
Jimmy was dancing around the room unattended. He peeked in the bags and found some bananas that Lois had gotten for him. “Eeeee!!! Ee! Eeeeee!”
Clark tried to ignore Jimmy and decide what to do. Lex was hurt. He needed to know how hurt and if they did need to move him to a hospital. Maybe the one in Smallville. The ones in Metropolis were probably too full to help him immediately. Clark narrowed his eyes and x-rayed Lex’s skull. Not broken. Probably a concussion, though. He scanned down the rest of his body, just to be sure.
Oliver and Lois returned with a first aid kit and Chloe. Clark was kneeling beside Lex, his eyes wide as plates and his mouth agape.
“What? Is it bad, Clark?” Chloe asked. She went down to where Clark was, as Lois grabbed the first aid kit from Oliver and started to tend to Lex’s bump.
“I think…” He motioned for her to get closer and lowered his voice. “Chloe, he’s-“
“Unnn,” Lex groaned a little. Clark drew in a breath tensely.
“Oh, uh. Hold still, Lex,” Oliver said uncertainly. The bald man’s eyes were still closed. Lois dabbed the wound with antiseptic.
“…’kay,” Lex managed. He frowned deeply. Lois began to wrap a bandage around his head, lifting it up just a bit. “Ah!”
“It’s okay, Lex. She’ll be done in a minute. We’ll get some ice for you,” Clark said, trying to sound supportive.
“I must look pitiful if you’re trying to coddle me.”
“You’re fine. You just hit your head. Again.” Clark tried to sound like he was joking a little. He was rewarded with a single, dry laugh.
Lex wrenched an eye open and looked over Lois. “Thanks. I guess… I swooned after all.”
Lois’s cheeks dimpled in an attempted smile and waved as though to say no problem. Lex started to sit up. She pushed him back down and glared protectively.
“Stay… stay still, Lex.” Clark put a hand gently on his chest. Lois looked at him curiously. She pointed to the pillows on the other side of the couch. Clark grabbed them for her, and she lifted Lex’s head again to arrange them underneath. Then she gave Lex a little thumbs-up.
“Lex, I need to tell you something.” Clark moved in a little closer, so he could speak quietly. Lex was trying to focus on his face. Clark looked into his eyes trying to make sure Lex was awake enough to understand. “You…. You didn’t lose the baby.”
“What are you talking about?” Lex asked. Clark moved his hand over Lex’s stomach. Something in Clark’s wide eyes communicated what he was trying to say to him. Lex moved his hand over Clark’s, and he opened his mouth slightly. “That crazy imp… I’m pregnant?”
Clark eyes creased sympathetically. He didn’t quite smile, but Lex’s face was crumbling and hopeful and maybe looking a little tearful all at the prospect of his baby being alive and safe, and good god, inside him. Clark whispered to him that it was okay, the baby looked fine.
Lex didn’t hear what the others had to say. He passed out again. It was only for a few moments, but when he awoke, Clark was setting ice on his head and explaining to a bewildered Oliver what was going on. A little moan escaped Lex’s lips, and Clark whipped around to him.
“Lex?”
“Still me. Ugh. Still pregnant?”
Clark smiled slightly. “Think so.”
“Okay,” Lex took a breath. “Okay. Let’s…”
“You’re taking this well,” Oliver said in the silence as Lex tried to gather his scattered thoughts.
It took a moment for him to come up with some kind of response. “At least I’m not a fat-sucking vampire.”
Chloe chuckled and nodded to Oliver. “Yeah, we had one of those.”
“And I haven’t been bodily invaded by aliens. Well… invaded but not by an alien this time. Not so bad.” Lex reached up weakly and pressed the ice to his head. Clark removed his hand. “We have to keep an eye on what Mxyzptlk is up to… and I still think we need to meet him on his own terms. I have no means of forcing him to do what we want.”
Clark stroked Lex’s shoulder. “We will. Just rest right now.”
“Clark,” Lex warned.
“If you don’t cool it, you’re not going to be able to help when we need you,” Clark admonished. He got up and fetched some food and a bottle of water. Lex took the water and tried lifted it to his lips. “You’d better eat.”
Lex raised a brow skeptically. “I won’t be able to keep it down.”
“Try anyway? Just a little, and stay still.” Clark raised the plate. Lex tore off a small bit of the sandwich and nibbled on it. Lex was looking at him almost suspiciously. “What?”
“Hm?” Lex chewed thoughtfully. He masked his face over to exude the utmost seriousness. Clark frowned at him but said nothing. When he was sure Lex was going to stay put, Clark got up and moved over to Chloe, who was eating while Lois offered Jimmy another banana. He pushed it away and stood on his head They were listening to that radio station that played during city-wide crises, so Clark sat with them and helped himself to a late lunch.
Some kind of… monster… wait.
Chloe turned up the radio.
I’m not sure what it is, but we’re getting reports of a monster… it came from the airport… and has destroyed everything in its path… sucking the life out of those surrounding it…
Lex propped himself up a little more and started to listen. “They’re dead? That… that’s not like Mxy.”
”So you said before, Lex,” Chloe replied softly. “How well do you know him? And how many have died already because of the chaos?”
Lex shrugged. “I’m usually a good judge of character, but I could be wrong about him.”
Okay, if you see the monster, it has a lion’s mane… two faces… tentacles… get out of the way. No one who came in contact with this thing has woken up.
“Alive. They’re still alive,” Lex insisted.
“But as good as dead,” Oliver grumbled.
“No, we can save them, can’t we? Lex?” Clark looked to him hopefully.
“I have confidence he can reverse everything that he’s done, but we have to convince him to do so.”
Clark nodded and stood up. “So we have to stop that thing.”
“Off to play the hero for the humans, Clark?” Mxyzptlk appeared out of nowhere, again floating as he sat cross-legged.
“You have to stop this! People are getting hurt!”
Chloe looked around wildly. She jumped up, grabbed both Lois and Jimmy by the hand and moved backward, her eyes flitting around trying to see who Clark was talking to.
“The girl is skittish,” Mxy remarked. He touched down on his toes lightly and walked up to Clark.
“She has a good reason. You shouldn’t have forced yourself on her,” Lex admonished. Mxy crossed his arms and smiled at him.
“You should be more careful, Lex. Delicate condition.”
“I’m aware. I think, Mxy, since you happen to be responsible for my current condition that we should have a chat,” he replied without amusement. Mxy stepped towards him, but Clark moved to stand in his way.
Mxy grinned eerily. “If I wished, I could rearrange your atoms. You could be a creature made of snot. You could be air.”
“He could be a woman,” Lex suggested. Mxy’s eyes lit up.
“Lex!” Clark protested. He cringed as he heard his own voice chiming so much higher. He heard nervous laugher from Oliver and a surprised squeak from Chloe. He looked down at his tight blue shirt and saw it fitting snugly around a truly spectacular pair of breasts. He sighed. “Don’t help me, Lex.”
“Was I trying to help?”
“You should be trying to help!” Clark wailed, frustrated with Lex’s behavior. Lex lifted his chin.
“Let’s make a bet, Mxy. Let’s play. What is it going to take to reverse all of this?” he asked. Mxy rubbed his chin and walked around Clark.
Then slapped his ass.
”Hey!”
“What are the terms?” Mxy asked with interest. Clark turned around, feeling his boobs jiggle. He tried to fix his face as aggressively as he could get it.
“You fix everything you’ve done since you left Lex’s lab back to the way it was! All the transformation and magic and all the people that got hurt!” Clark demanded. “And you go home to your dimension!”
Lex opened his mouth and began to speak. “Wai-“
Mxy licked his lips eagerly. “Agreed. I will do it. If you can trick me into saying my name backwards. Speaking, writing, typing. Whatever you can come up with.”
“Uh… “ Clark waffled. He had no idea how he would be able to do that. Lex had closed his mouth tightly and was looking with firm resignation at his hand resting on his stomach.
Mxy knocked on his own head lightly. “Brain tease. Good luck, Kally. And you’d better go stop that monster.” He looked down his sharp nose at Lex on the couch. “Maybe you should get some Natalins.”
He blinked out of existence again. Lex sighed.
“What?” Clark asked irritably. Lex said nothing. He pulled his t-shirt down self-consciously and crossed his arms over his breasts. “Alright, Oliver, we’ve got to stop that thing. Or contain it or something. It could be a person that he transformed.”
“That’s a distinct possibility,” Lex said, sounding somewhat preoccupied. Clark glared at him.
“Oh, yeah. Thanks for these!” Clark turned around and spread his arms, displaying his chest.
Oliver burst into laughter and nodded his head eagerly. “Very nice.”
“Did you have to give him ideas?” Clark complained.
“Rather be a snot monster, would you?” Lex asked sharply, finally looking up from his midsection.
“Snot monster?” Chloe asked. Clark’s posture relaxed.
“Mxy was um… contemplating what to do with me. Snot monster came up.”
Lois scribbled on her pad and held it up. GIRL IS BETTER!!!
“So, why don’t you stop your complaining, Kally and take down the lion monster? Hm?” Lex’s voice had grown sarcastic.
“Mood swings much?” Clark snapped.
“Better hope you don’t get your period while you’re out fighting evil,” Lex returned bitchily.
“Maybe you should start knitting some pink booties while I’m gone,” Clark returned, coming over to give his belly a rub. Lex smacked his hand.
“For your information, they’ll be lavender booties.” Lex said with venom and seriousness that Clark couldn’t help it. He laughed. Actually, giggled. Like a girl. And it made his chest shake. Oh, god, he couldn’t wait for this nightmare to be over. He needed a bra. Clark stormed out of the room. Oliver waved to the two women, pulled on his hood and glasses, and followed.
Lex felt his eyes drooping. He was just exhausted and could barely keep his eyes open. He began to nod off, but Jimmy started to chatter and tried to put his hands up Chloe’s shirt. Lois tapped Chloe on the shoulder and pointed to him.
“Oh, whoa. No sleeping for you.” She got up and walked over to his side.
“Sorry,” he said weakly.
“Don’t be, I’m just… you know, worried about the concussion.” She leaned over. “Is it okay if I look at your pupils?”
“Have fun.”
She leaned over him and looked into his eyes. “Geez.”
Lex groaned as she pulled him up into a sitting position.
“Upsy daisy,” she said with false cheer. Lois came over and sat near them. Lex closed his eyes and tried to keep himself steady. Suddenly, there was a hand rubbing circles on his back. He peeked a little. It was Lois, looking anxiously at him.
“It’s okay. I’m just dizzy.”
Lois nodded.
“I think I have an idea… on how we can get all of this fixed.”
“Oh?” Chloe leaned forward curiously, watching them. Jimmy sidled over to her and pushed his lips out as far as he could.
“Depending on if you’re as good with hardware as you are with software… or I could do it once my head clears. And we need a lure.”
“Bounce it off me… or will he be listening?”
Lex shook his head. “He wouldn’t consider it fair.”
“Then let’s get to work.”
***
Clark reached the scene first. There was no question where the monster was. He’d seen black and white Japanese horror films with more subtlety. He sped around the side of a demolished building. The creature shook its mane and roared angrily.
Then a second creature… a large cow with swinging udders shooting milk into the streets. A few people were getting washed away. Clark zoomed over to them, plucked them up, and deposited them on higher ground.
“Hey.... uh, try to keep moving. Okay?” He ignored the bewildered look on their faces. Nothing to be done about it. They had spotted him and would probably recognize his face. He sped back to where the monsters were smashing up the city.
“CLARK!” Oliver waved from a rooftop. Clark figured that he had seen the milk streaming down the streets and gone for the grappling hooks. With a big leap he soared over the giant cow and landed beside Oliver. “You do a lot of collateral damage.”
“If I do less damage than the monsters, I think I’ll come out on top,” Clark said. He pointed at the two monsters. “You have anything like a tranquilizer? I can probably take the tentacle thing, if you can take down the cow.”
“Or I could just shoot them through the eye. Straight to the brain.” Oliver leaned on his left knee and looked down at them.
“Maybe, but… Mxy’s been turning people into bouncy balls and stuff. Maybe-“
“Maybe they were human. Damn.” Oliver rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Okay, I have a knockout gas, but I’ll have to get closer and just tear the thing off and stick it up the cow’s nose. What are you going to do with the tentacle monster?”
“Um… shake my moneymaker?” Clark gave a little shimmy. Then stopped immediately when Oliver started to really look at his chest. He crossed his arms over the girls. “Stoppit.”
“Sorry, man. You’re a hot woman.”
“Shut up!” Clark whined.
They both fell to their knees as a tentacle struck the base of their building. Clark grabbed Oliver from behind and leapt from the crumbling structure. They landed on another roof.
“Wow.”
”Do you need me to drop you on the cow?”
Oliver shook his head. “No, I got it.”
He began prying something off his utility belt. “Head out, boyscout. I’ll be fine. Tentacles over there is doing more damage than the cow.”
“But the cow is going to end up flooding the city. Okay, here I go.” Clark jumped from the building and landed behind the tentacle monster, attracting its attention. He grabbed a free tentacle and sped around it, intending to start tying the tentacles together. That was when one of the free arms slapped him straight across the chest.
“Ohhhh….” Clark never knew that breasts got so tender. Another tentacle wrapped itself around his neck.
This sucked! Meteor freaks never had so damn many arms. And they never groped him either. This monster was a pervert!
***
“Mxy! Hey, can we talk? I mean, so I can see you?” Chloe sat on the desk, swinging her legs. “I put Jimmy away.”
She looked over to Lex, who was now lying back on the couch. His eyes weren’t quite as dilated now, so she’d rubbed his belly a little (and amazingly not lost a hand for it) and convinced him to rest. “He isn’t coming. I don’t think I’m nearly as cute as I thought.”
“You’re cute.” The voice came from behind her shoulder. Chloe turned and saw the dark, intense eyes of a chaotic imp.
“H-hi. Um.” Her heart sped up.
“You wanted something?” He sat cross-legged behind her.
“I want Clark not to die. Is there any way I can assure that?”
“Chloe,” Lex warned. She waved him off.
“Come on. You like me, right? If Clark is okay, then that’s great, but the radio isn’t exactly giving me good news here.”
“It’s always about Clark with you,” Lex snapped jealously.
“It’s always about Clark with you, too!” she shouted back. “Come on. Tell me you don’t wish that was Clark’s baby in your belly.”
“Hey!”
“You’d do anything to save him.” She looked to Mxyzptlk with imploring eyes. “So would I. Please. We can… I dunno. Date? Do you have like a number or…”
“While I’m on this plane, I have in fact created an identity for myself. I could certainly make myself available.” His thin lips spread into an impossibly wide grin.
Chloe sighed softly and pulled out her cell phone. “Okay, um. What’s the…”
“Clark will not die. I promise you this,” he breathed the words into the back of her neck. She smiled at him.
”Thank you. Oh god. I mean, I know we’ll never be together, but…” She grabbed his face and gave him a hard kiss on the cheek. “Right, so… Mxyettle-“
“Mxyzptlk.”
“Sorry, Mxyz- M.I.X-“
“No! Let me type it in.” The imp took her phone away and typed in his name. He blinked and looked up at her with a mixture of irritation and admiration. After he had typed his name, it appeared backwards in the phone. “I made the deal with Clark.”
“No, you made the deal with Lex and Clark, and this was mostly Lex’s idea.” She shrugged.
Mxyzptlk looked over at Lex and narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Lex smirked a little then puckered his lips flirtatiously in a mock kiss at him as he gave a little wave from the couch. Mxy grinned and shook his head. “Awww. Lexy! Next time, Kally’s going to have to take me on by himself.”
He shook his head and handed Chloe back her phone. He leaned in to kiss her, and she tried to push him away. “What does an imp from the 5th dimension see in me anyway?”
“You’re on the cusp of being more than you are. In betweens are fascinating… Kiss me.”
“I have a boyfriend,” she protested. Mxy wrapped his arms around her.
“One kiss. He won’t remember any of this.”
“Oh, you’re asking now? Instead of… forcing yourself on me?” she asked angrily. He smiled, looking in approval at her. She seemed to remember… that smug little smile. “Or using your powers to force me to kiss you?!”
“You remember.” His smile widened, and he seemed proud of her.
Chloe’s eyes began to tear up, and she struggled again to get away. Lois marched over with the intent to pull them apart. Mxy lifted up and flew out of her reach.
“Hey, asshole-“ Lois stopped in her place and put her hand to her mouth. “Oh thank whoever. Anyway, forcing yourself on a girl is so not okay. Get away from my cousin!”
“Is this a rule?”
“Yes!”
Chloe stepped away from them and looked outside the window. The crack pavement, overturned cars, unconscious people, they were all gone. The city was going on with its daily business as though nothing had happened.
“Thank you. For fixing everything,” Chloe said. Mxy shrugged.
“It was our deal. Goodbye, friends. I’m going home now. It has been a very long time.”
He put a finger beside his nose and faded out, leaving his wide toothy grin and dark eyes for a moment for disappearing completely.
“Very Cheshire cat. Oh, god, it’s good to smile. Good to laugh. Good to, oh god, Chloe, I’m starving!” Lois ran over to the bags of food on the counter and rifled through them to see if there was anything left. Chloe looked over at Lex.
“How are people going to deal with what just happened?”
Lex gingerly touched his head then began to unravel the bandages to reveal his uninjured head. “It’s likely no one will remember.”
“Remember what?” Lois asked, her mouth full of sandwich. She chewed eagerly as the two stared at her.
“Very likely that no one will remember.”
“Will I forget?” Chloe asked.
Lois took a large swig of root beer. “Forget what? What’s with the powwow here? Why do we have Junior hanging around at The Planet?”
“You might forget,” Lex said. He stood up and headed toward the door.
“Hello? Can’t anyone hear me?” Lois looked at them angrily.
“I’ll tell you in a minute.”
Jimmy stood up and scratched behind his ear. “Okay, wow. What just happened? Why does my mouth taste like bananas?”
Chloe turned to talk to Lex, but he had already left. Pauline stormed into the office with a fierce look on her face. “What exactly are you kids doing?”
“That’s what we’re trying to find out,” Lois said. “You remember what you’ve been doing all day?”
Pauline glowered at them. “…No.”
“Don’t you think that’s a little weird? I should do a story on this. Do you remember anything, Jimmy?”
He shook his head and stepped over to Chloe to put his arms around her. She stood there, waiting for her consciousness to fade.
“A… city-wide case of amnesia. That’s something to look into?” Chloe said to Lois.
“I’ll put Terry on it,” Pauline said before turning around and leaving the room.
“Obviously aliens.” Lois grinned and took another bite of sandwich.
“It’s always aliens with you.” Jimmy laughed. Chloe didn’t laugh. She wondered where Clark was and picked up her phone to call him.
“Checking on Clark.”
***
Clark had fallen to the ground suddenly. He’d thought that this would be the end of him or at least he was in for a more realistic than desirable tentacle rape, but the tentacle had vanished, and he was now tangled up with someone else. Someone’s hand on his chest made him realize that he was, in fact, a ‘he’ once more.
“Hold still.” Clark moved away and sat up. It was Lionel Luthor.
“My word… what happened here?” Lionel looked around. Martha was sitting on the concrete looking just as bewildered where the cow monster had been. Oliver scrambled off of her and looked around.
“I have no idea,” Oliver said. He looked at Martha. “Sorry, M’am!”
“I don’t know that I could even begin to explain it to you. This… imp or something started turning people into crazy things. It turned you guys into monsters, and took away Lois’ mouth, and got Lex pregnant!”
“What?!” Lionel exclaimed.
“But I think Lex must have figured out a way to make him reverse everything, because…” Clark shrugged. “You aren’t monsters anymore.”
“Well, thank goodness.” Martha stood and brushed off her skirt.
“I hope I was helpful?” Oliver asked. Clark glared at him. “What did I do?”
“You don’t remember what Lex said, but you didn’t deny what you did to him.”
“What?” Oliver stepped closer and lowered his voice. “In school? I never have.”
“No, Green Arrow. You kidnapped and tortured him. You experimented on him.” Clark shook his head. “I know you said you didn’t mean for it to happen, but… how many times do you think something gets out of control with Lex? How many times do you think I’m dealing with a situation he didn’t plan? That he thought would help? What you did to him isn’t that far from what he’s wanted to do to me, but he chose not to, and y’know…” Clark rolled his shoulders uncomfortably. “You say that you didn’t have your scientists take his blood, but they did. And I don’t know you well enough to say that you aren’t lying.”
“Clark, hang on there! I’m not some mad scientist. You know that much! I didn’t even know they took his blood.”
“Hiatus. We need a break. And if you’re really sorry, you should go talk to Lex and find out exactly what your employees did to him. Your people had a serum not too long ago that regenerated people’s wounds, right?”
Oliver nodded.
“That might be why Lex was so involved. His power is healing. It might have been his blood they were experimenting with.”
Oliver opened his mouth then closed it. He gave Clark a little salute. “I’ll check it out.”
Martha and Lionel looked to one another. Lionel stepped closer to Clark. “Do you think Lex is alright now?”
“He fainted from low blood sugar and wonked his head on a railing, but other than that, he’s probably fine and heading back to work or on the helicopter back to Smallville to talk to Lana.” Clark rubbed his mouth. “I hope she doesn’t remember this. It’s hard enough on them as it is.”
“I’d say. It must have bothered her to find out the man she’s been with was pregnant,” Martha said. She looked around. “How are we going to get back home?”
“I’ll call a car,” Lionel offered.
“Lana never knew he was,” Clark said. He gave his mother a hug. “I’m glad you’re not a cow.”
“What??” Martha exclaimed, making a fishlike expression in her surprise.
Clark’s cell phone rang, and he took it, grinning at his mother’s expression.
***
“Lex, where the hell have you been? I’ve been worried.” Lana came clipping up to him, clearly angry. “You could have called!”
“Not… not really, no I couldn’t have. Things were pretty crazy in Metropolis today.”
“So I hear. Do you remember what happened? The news is saying everyone in the city has amnesia.” She watched his face in concern. “You look tired.”
“I slept most of the way back.” He walked wearily towards his office. “Um, yes, I remember what happened.”
She followed him eagerly, with demanding eyes. He walked into the office and slumped onto the couch. “What is it? You can tell me, Lex.”
“Mxyzptlk made a nightmare out of the city. But don’t worry, Clark, Chloe, and I handled it.”
“Oh.” She sat beside him and took his hand reassuringly. “Well, it’s all over now.”
“No, it isn’t.” Lex looked up at her seriously. “We need to talk. I don’t know that we’re on the same page about certain things, but circumstances have changed, and I think it could be for the best for the both of us.”
She smiled slightly as she creased her brows. He looked into her eyes intensely.
***
Clark waited for Lex’s butler to ask permission before he was allowed into the study. Walking in, Clark thought that Lex must have the coldest fireplace known to man. There Lex was, sitting by it alone wrapped in a blanket. He noticed that the bandages were gone from his head, and there was no trace of a bump. Mxy must have done the favor.
“Lex,” Clark re-announced himself softly. Lex twisted his head just a bit and nodded, so Clark walked slowly around the sofa, which had been pulled up so Lex could sit closer to the flames. To his surprise, Lex’s face was completely open, in a way he hadn’t seen in a long time. Well, not while he was conscious. “Are you okay?”
“Clark, do you ever wish you could travel back in time?” He leaned his head to the side and looked sideways at Clark, who came closer slowly, as though he didn’t want to spook the man before him.
“Sometimes.” Clark sat down, not too closely. Lex stared into the fire.
“I do. Constantly. I’m always looking back and trying to think of things I could have done. Maybe something I could have noticed. Fix things. Make them better. Especially that fiasco with Milton Fine. I think I could have…” His lower lip wrinkled, and his eyes were uncertain for a moment, then it was gone. “Lived without what he did to me. My father perceives this as a flaw. I shouldn’t look back and want to change things. I should only look to the future.”
“We saved the day though. Today anyway. Well, you did.”
“Chloe helped, and so did you. That’s not really what I’m talking about. I’m not displeased with how this turned out. It could have been a lot worse.”
Clark watched him for several minutes before Lex spoke again.
“Lana left me.”
“What? Why? After we fixed things, the baby should be back, and you guys should be good, right?” Clark immediately questioned that hopeful tone in his own voice. He didn’t want them together at all. Maybe he’d just seen Lex hurting so much today that he didn’t want to watch him go through a messy breakup.
“Mxy used his magic on Lana and I before he left the lab. I’m still pregnant, Clark.”
Clark craned his head back a little. “I… didn’t… sorry.”
“I shouldn’t have let you speak with him when we were setting the terms. I suppose.”
Clark reached out for his shoulder and hesitated, expecting Lex to recoil from his touch. He didn’t, but looked over at Clark with his ever-questioning eyes. Clark rubbed Lex’s shoulder with more affection than he realized he had in him for the man.
“Wait, so you told her that you’re pregnant, and she just abandoned you?” Clark said suddenly. He felt anger at the back of his throat.
“I wouldn’t use the term abandon. I have all the money, after all.” Lex replied dryly. Clark’s nostrils flared.
“Still. Still, that’s just! You don’t do that! She helped make that baby! She can’t just leave you alone. She’s a… deadbeat mom!”
Lex’s eyes came to life a little bit, and he looked bitterly amused. “She felt trapped. Now she’s free, and I’m not. It’s fine.”
“No, Lex, it’s not.”
Suddenly, Clark had drawn Lex into a hug, and he felt wetness coming from his eyes. He held Lex tightly trying to put warmth into that cold, lonely body in this cold, lonely mansion. After he released him, Clark could see that Lex’s eyes were still dry while his own were overflowing. He stayed close and kept his arm around Lex. He felt as though he were crying for him, tears Lex couldn’t let himself shed.
“What do you wish you could change, Lex?” Clark’s voice cracked.
”Oh, so many things.” He laid his head on Clark’s shoulder. Lex jumped a little when Clark started caressing his head, trying to comfort him. He had to fight the urge to fly from the couch and get his gun. He never knew when Clark was going to protect him or be the one he needed protection from.
But he was tired. So goddamn tired. He relaxed into Clark’s arms and felt the larger man’s heat entering his body. He closed his eyes and let Clark hold him.