Fic: If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It (9/?)
Title: If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Adam/Kris
Summary: It really was a mistake. It really was a mistake. Adam isn't fooling anyone.
Notes: Hi :) I meant to have this posted yesterday but I got slightly distracted and it wasn't quite done. So tonight, after a lot of tequila and my friend reading through this for me I am posting it. Apologies for any mistakes they are all mine as I have no beta for this. It gets a bit angsty again. I didn't leave them happy for long did I? I hope you guys enjoy x
Disclaimer: Nope they ain't mine.Adam Lambert and Kris Allen belong to each other no-one but themselves.
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It
Chapter Nine: Ride
The general feeling towards rehearsals was that everything was beginning to drag the same four walls with repetitive routines and the same familiar faces. While everyone else grumbled and moaned about wanting to be out on tour already Adam held onto all of the moments. He hadn't realised that he had grown so accustomed to being surrounded by a group of people, he was usually fairly adaptable changing as the situation did adjusting to whatever he needed to be. But things were different now, he was just himself surrounded by a group of people that in any normal circumstances he most likely would never have been friends with and the comfort it gave him was like something he had never experienced in his life.
So while everyone was wishing the time away Adam was desperately hoping for everything to slow down because he knew as soon as the tour was over after they had said all their goodbyes they would be going it alone and that wasn't normally something that would frighten Adam in fact it would usually be the opposite but he couldn't help but be full of dread whenever he imagined not seeing some of these people every day.
Of course Kris was the predominant figure in all of this and Adam after holding back how he felt for so long had fallen deeply and fast all the repressed feelings leaving him in a mad rush desperate to make every moment he had with Kris last and they were day to day things, the same things they had always done but they just seemed to hold so much more meaning. What astonished him most of all was that he wasn't normally that person in a relationship he wasn't the person to hold on and intently watch every small trait and quirk about the other person but something about Kris had pulled him in and captivated him and what made it even more frustrating was Kris had no idea just how mesmerising he could be.
Last week' rehearsals had finished with them practising some of their solo performances each of them excited and nervous about breaking free each night to perform on their own without the safety of at least another person by their side. Adam of course was revelling at the chance, planning every song down to perfect detail each song with the perfect outfit and it was all already laid out in exact detail in his mind. He had sat by Allison and Matt as they fumbled over songs nervously trying to figure out what to sing, being giving free reigns on songs certainly had its drawbacks. He had been all smiles and happiness as Kris had watched him from across the room his guitar resting across his knees and he had been smiling just as widely back at Adam. He tried to focus in on what Matt and Allison had been talking about as they frantically waved pieces of paper at each other but he was completely transfixed by that point and nothing at all was going to break his determination of moving across the room to be closer to Kris.
Before he had even reached Kris, he was already strumming softly on the guitar the familiar tune resounding through the room. No one else seemed to mind, too busy chatting amongst themselves or still trying to decide on songs. Adam loomed over Kris and watched as his fingers strummed delicately on the guitar strings he knew anyone else would find it off putting to have someone stand so close and watch them like this but he could feel no unease or tension from Kris and as Kris began to sing softly Adam had lowered to the ground in front of him watching Kris as his lips moved as he sung each word perfectly.
Adam wasn't really aware if there had been an audience he hadn't seen anything unusual about the moment he shared with Kris. It was normal for the two of them to go off into their own little world but things were different and their relationship had shifted and he should have known really that it would have been obvious to the others around him.
The questions hadn't started until they had all bundled back to his flat again that night and Allison had cornered him in the kitchen asking questions that he knew were only leading to one thing. She was too young and sweet to just blurt it out and it was perhaps slightly mean but he sort of enjoyed the way she tried to figure out his unopened answers, she was desperately searching for hidden meanings and her expressive face gave her away completely. The thing was he couldn't help but smile a whole lot even as they all settled down for a film the chatter didn't stop and he was especially grateful for that when Kris came and sat closely beside him, thigh to thigh and looking at him through the corner of his eye. He tried to focus on the conversation with Danny who was sat on the floor talking about everything that was wrong with brown M&M's and pulling them out from the packet one by one dropping the into Allison' eager hands.
The two of them were a much needed distraction from the warmth that had been radiating off Kris. It had been a long and late night, none of them wanting it to be over and even when they admitted defeat and suggested they head back to the hotel it still took them an hour to all get up and get out the door. Kris had hesitated, holding back while the others left and he hadn't spoken to Adam before he left just a small shy look and a gentle hand touching his face before he was following the others out the door.
The weekend hadn't been full of the usual rehearsals they were all given the time to spend with family and friends or do whatever they wanted and the visit from Katy meant that Adam hadn't seen Kris at all. Adam and Allison decided to spend the day shopping and it was a happy distraction because Allison was always full of energy, happy and bright and completely able to pull him out of a vivid daydream about Kris. They had made their way from store to store, giving themselves the task of finding the most ridiculous thing in the shop and taking a picture of it. Allison had smiled with each click of her camera claiming that all of these would be moments to remember in the never ending task of tour rehearsals. Again, Adam could understand her feelings but he couldn't really relate not when he was wishing it would never end.
They were back in Allison' hotel room now and Danny had joined them shortly after and he sat happily on the bed as they showed him each photo in the stores and he laughed along as Allison jumped up off the bed each time to act out her and Adam' adventures of the day. Adam himself falling into fits of uncontrollable laughter when she did her best impression of Adam. It was quite scary how good she was getting at that.
A shattering sound from the room next door broke the laughter and Allison' face fell immediately Adam jumped off the bed wanting to protect her from what he could only imagine was Kris and Katy in the next room. Adam gripped hold of her hand quickly and looked at Danny hoping his face would give everything he wanted to say away. Danny seemed to understand and was already the other side of her.
“Why don't we all go to Lil's room? Annoy her a little bit and show her these photos?”
Allison was nodding her head a little but still staring at the wall and Adam had to admit he was finding it hard to tear his eyes away. But he could feel the pull of Allison on his hand as Danny was moving her out of the room. It felt stupid to move just two doors down because they might still even be able to hear it from there but he hoped the group of them together would be enough of a distraction.
Danny was peaking his head around the door as if he was sneaking out and Adam wanted to laugh at how stupid he was being but then he heard Allison giggle slightly and he wondered if maybe it had just been for Allison'. They all held onto each other, laughing quietly as they tip toed down the hall the tension from a few moments ago having already left them but then there was a thudding sound of a door being slammed behind them and instinctively they all turn around.
Katy was leaning against the wall her hands on her face and her whole body was shaking, her usually perfect hair was a mess and falling across her face. Allison seemed to try and pull free of the grasp Adam and Danny had on her, but Adam held on tighter and he was well aware that Danny was too. The door that Katy had fled from opened slowly and Kris was slowly emerging from the room moving closer towards Katy trying to pull the hands from her face whispering words that were too low for them to hear.
It was intrusive and wrong but none of them seemed to be able to turn away in fact the only one who noticed was Danny and he pulled on them both urging them to carry on to get to Lil'. But everything seemed to happen in slow motion then, Katy' hands were falling from her face and she shifted her head to move the hair from her eyes. The brief moment that Adam' eyes met with Katy' he could already see everything she was feeling and all the blame she was throwing his way.
Danny was still trying to pull them both away but Adam seemed rooted to the spot unable to move even as he saw her wildly moving towards where they were stood.
Her words were almost unintelligible as she tried to speak through angry sobs but he was aware of hands attacking his chest small fists with a powerful force hitting with their full might and he staggered backwards slowly his back meeting the wall. He didn't try and stop her, he didn't try and push her away and he was happy that Danny had grabbed hold of Allison and was holding onto her tightly stopping her from doing anything.
Adam still couldn't understand a word of what Katy was saying every now and then he was sure he could make out the word “you.” and it was said with such anger that Adam was almost glad he couldn't make out anything else, just that one word was enough to let the guilt he was feeling completely take over him.
Katy' hands were slowing and he was aware of someone else close by now he turned to see Kris desperately trying to pull Katy away whispering to her, pleading with her and she stopped abruptly taking in Kris expression before fleeing down the corridor. Adam tried to reach out for Kris as he followed behind but as soon as he had taken hold of Kris hand it was being shaken off angrily and Kris still determined was running after her.
Adam' body seemed to give up and he slid down the wall staring in the direction that Kris had disappeared in. He kept looking and waiting thinking that at any moment Kris was going to come back round the corner. It was selfish and a pointless thought but he still wanted it. He tried to ignore the gazes of the two people stood over him this would be easier for Danny he knew what was going on but Allison would be confused wanting answers he was sure he could already hear her voice pleading with Danny, desperate with worry and he loved her and hated her at the same time because he couldn't do this he couldn't shatter her allusions of how all of them were one big happy family.
He knew Kris wasn't coming back, he had known it the moment he ran after Katy and although he knew Kris had to do that and he owed Katy that, Adam couldn't help but feel the rejection that washed through him. The look in Kris' eyes as he had brushed Adam' hand away it had been the same look that lingered in Katy' eyes, a look of blame.
He could hear Danny' voice now, soft and quiet and to no one but Allison and he could hear her protesting the words fighting against it just like Allison always did but there was something in Danny' voice that made her change and give in she was walking away slowly looking back over her shoulder trying to meet Adam' eyes but he looked away quickly there was no way he could look at her now and not completely break down at least with Danny he still had some kind of boundary, he knew how far he could go and with Danny' company he hoped it would hold back some of the emotion that was threatening to leave him.
Danny was beside him quickly and unusually he had nothing to say. He just sat quietly and Adam had been expecting something else from him so he didn't know what to do with this, in fact he didn't know what to do with any of this. Katy' eyes were haunting him dark and unrelenting and completely justified. He had wanted Kris for so long and those feelings had been the most predominant of anything else he felt. So when he had looked at Katy and Kris he hadn't seen a couple that were falling apart he had just seen another reason why Kris could never love him or would never want to be with him, he already had the person he loved more than anything and Adam was just a friend.
Now he could see everything as if it were all from Katy' perspective. All the time alone he and Kris had spent together, the hugs and looks that lasted perhaps those few seconds too long and the way whenever Katy would enter a room Kris barely even noticed if he had been talking to Adam. Of course hadn't been able to see it, because all he saw Katy as was someone taking Kris away from him but he had never been Adam's to begin with.
Kris was Katy' and while she had stood by his side and supported him Adam had been slowly helping to rip the two of them apart without even realising what he had been doing. He could understand the blame in both of their eyes, he deserved it he should have fought harder against this, separated himself from Kris when he realised how he felt, but he just pushed it further testing himself and Kris to see how far he would go and now he knew the truth while he had been hopelessly falling in love with Kris, Kris had been falling in love back and while there was no blame in that for Adam he still couldn't help but feel it.
He could hear a strange muffled sound filling the quiet hall and it was before he felt Danny' hand on his shoulder did he realise that sounds were coming from him. Desperate and harsh sobs leaving his chest and he literally couldn't breathe through them. Panic flooded through him, every insecurity and fear played out like a truth before his eyes.
All the time so many selfish thoughts feeling like he was the one suffering through this all, then blissful days of happiness of just him and Kris and their new admission. Not once had he thought of Katy and what it had meant for her and Kris, he had been surrounded by only thoughts of him and Kris and the pain of anyone else had been there a small quiet ticking in the back of his mind but now it was all he could think of. He was ripping apart the lives of two people who had been entwined for so long, who had been through so much and who was he to take all that away?
His body was shaking furiously and he felt Danny' arm move around his back even more and hold on tightly trying to keep Adam' body still but it was leaving him now the overwhelming fear that he wasn't worthy of all of this and that he could never be someone's first choice, especially not someone like Kris.
He heard Danny sigh sadly and then his face was crushed into Danny' chest and he let go of all the tears that had threatened to fall so many times before. It should have been awkward and uncomfortable and he should have wanted to run away from this comfort from Danny but didn't know where else to go and who else to search for. There was no one else that would understand this and for some bizarre reason the only person he felt like who could understand this was Danny. So he held on and let go breaking down like this for possibly the second time in his life and he waited for words to fall from Danny' mouth but nothing came, he was sure he heard angry noises and again more sad sighs but he never said a word, only held on.
The shaking seemed to fade and the sobs grew quieter and less frequent. He could feel his eyes growing heavy and his body relaxing and he was so tired. He was sure he was still crying as he drifted off to sleep his face wet with tears and Katy' face in his mind.
He could his body being lifted off the floor, a hushed voice in his ear and he felt like he was being carried along the corridor and he wondered how Danny was managing to carry him along all by himself. He wanted to open his eyes to look but he was still drifting in and out from sleep and even the thought of lifting his head to look around seemed exhausting and then he was drifting again.
Warm comfort surrounded him, soft cotton pressed against his skin and he knew he could hear voices now. Soft but agitated and angry, they were both trying not to raise their voices but the anger made it worse and he could make out Kris voice suddenly and he wanted to jump up from the comforting place on the bed but Danny was fighting back and he wondered if maybe he was dreaming.
“... I know you don't like me or trust me or whatever Kris. But I really hope you know what you're doing here.”
“I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. But I know what I want and I know who I love... I can't change that even if I wanted too...”
“You shouldn't want to change it. You need to think about what you are doing because every time I look around you seem to be hurting him more than you were before.”
“Oh yeah seeing as you now suddenly give a shit about Adam. What exactly are you doing huh? I've gone along with what Adam has said about you and how he spoke to you and everything magically got sorted out but I don't buy it Gokey. I think you're up to something...”
Adam was aware of Danny laughing slightly. “I don't care what you think of me Kris. Not any more, I've spent way too much time trying to be somebody I'm not and playing up to something that I didn't need to and you know who helped me figure that out? That guy right there... but if you want to turn this conversation around on me so you don't have to look at yourself then fine, do whatever you want. Do you have any idea how lucky you actually are?”
“Don't talk to me about lucky I am Gokey. You think I don't know? I don't deserve to have someone like Adam in my life, the way he fucking looks at me like I'm the only thing in the damn room. I've never had anything like this my entire life, I didn't even know that this could be something I could have. But he understands I know he has too... me and Katy... it's not like I can shut off my life before him.”
“Maybe he doesn't expect you to. Maybe he'd just like to be a part of it. Eventually it's going to come down to whether you can admit to him, yourself and everyone else that he is who you love and who you want to be with. But if you can't do that is it really fair for you to be taking what you want from him now while you can? Or three months down the line are you just going to walk away...”
“I would never do that to Adam.”
“Wouldn't you?”
Adam wanted to get up and stop them from fighting but their voices were quieter again perhaps noticing Adam' restlessness, maybe this was something neither of them wanted Adam to hear. So he closed his eyes and tried to ignore the voices but Kris was speaking again his voice soft and hushed.
“Do you expect either of us to have answers Danny, did you ever think that maybe this is just as confusing to Adam as it is to me? Whatever this is, we'll figure it out. Me and Adam I'm sorry that I can't give you a time schedule on that but I don't have to answer to you.”
There were more words passing back and forth between them but Adam couldn't make them out they seemed to be getting quieter and then the door closed and there was nothing but silence. The sound of voices had been Kris forcing Danny out the room no doubt. Adam felt the bed shift and creak. It dipped as Kris obviously made his way up the bed and under the covers. He could feel warm hands around his waist and Kris breath on his neck,then his lips were at Adam' ear.
“I'm sorry.”
He couldn't even begin to understand what Kris was apologising for and again tiredness made his brain unwilling to co-operate and open his eyes to question what he meant. Instead he just shifted slightly moving closer, moving down Kris' body to rest his head against his chest. He could feel Kris arms wrapping around him tighter and this wasn't going to solve anything and it wasn't right for Adam to take the comfort but he was slowly resigning himself to what he knew he had to do and if this was the last time he got to lie in Kris' arms he was going to revel it and remember everything.
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Adam/Kris
Summary: It really was a mistake. It really was a mistake. Adam isn't fooling anyone.
Notes: Hi :) I meant to have this posted yesterday but I got slightly distracted and it wasn't quite done. So tonight, after a lot of tequila and my friend reading through this for me I am posting it. Apologies for any mistakes they are all mine as I have no beta for this. It gets a bit angsty again. I didn't leave them happy for long did I? I hope you guys enjoy x
Disclaimer: Nope they ain't mine.Adam Lambert and Kris Allen belong to each other no-one but themselves.
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It
Chapter Nine: Ride
The general feeling towards rehearsals was that everything was beginning to drag the same four walls with repetitive routines and the same familiar faces. While everyone else grumbled and moaned about wanting to be out on tour already Adam held onto all of the moments. He hadn't realised that he had grown so accustomed to being surrounded by a group of people, he was usually fairly adaptable changing as the situation did adjusting to whatever he needed to be. But things were different now, he was just himself surrounded by a group of people that in any normal circumstances he most likely would never have been friends with and the comfort it gave him was like something he had never experienced in his life.
So while everyone was wishing the time away Adam was desperately hoping for everything to slow down because he knew as soon as the tour was over after they had said all their goodbyes they would be going it alone and that wasn't normally something that would frighten Adam in fact it would usually be the opposite but he couldn't help but be full of dread whenever he imagined not seeing some of these people every day.
Of course Kris was the predominant figure in all of this and Adam after holding back how he felt for so long had fallen deeply and fast all the repressed feelings leaving him in a mad rush desperate to make every moment he had with Kris last and they were day to day things, the same things they had always done but they just seemed to hold so much more meaning. What astonished him most of all was that he wasn't normally that person in a relationship he wasn't the person to hold on and intently watch every small trait and quirk about the other person but something about Kris had pulled him in and captivated him and what made it even more frustrating was Kris had no idea just how mesmerising he could be.
Last week' rehearsals had finished with them practising some of their solo performances each of them excited and nervous about breaking free each night to perform on their own without the safety of at least another person by their side. Adam of course was revelling at the chance, planning every song down to perfect detail each song with the perfect outfit and it was all already laid out in exact detail in his mind. He had sat by Allison and Matt as they fumbled over songs nervously trying to figure out what to sing, being giving free reigns on songs certainly had its drawbacks. He had been all smiles and happiness as Kris had watched him from across the room his guitar resting across his knees and he had been smiling just as widely back at Adam. He tried to focus in on what Matt and Allison had been talking about as they frantically waved pieces of paper at each other but he was completely transfixed by that point and nothing at all was going to break his determination of moving across the room to be closer to Kris.
Before he had even reached Kris, he was already strumming softly on the guitar the familiar tune resounding through the room. No one else seemed to mind, too busy chatting amongst themselves or still trying to decide on songs. Adam loomed over Kris and watched as his fingers strummed delicately on the guitar strings he knew anyone else would find it off putting to have someone stand so close and watch them like this but he could feel no unease or tension from Kris and as Kris began to sing softly Adam had lowered to the ground in front of him watching Kris as his lips moved as he sung each word perfectly.
Adam wasn't really aware if there had been an audience he hadn't seen anything unusual about the moment he shared with Kris. It was normal for the two of them to go off into their own little world but things were different and their relationship had shifted and he should have known really that it would have been obvious to the others around him.
The questions hadn't started until they had all bundled back to his flat again that night and Allison had cornered him in the kitchen asking questions that he knew were only leading to one thing. She was too young and sweet to just blurt it out and it was perhaps slightly mean but he sort of enjoyed the way she tried to figure out his unopened answers, she was desperately searching for hidden meanings and her expressive face gave her away completely. The thing was he couldn't help but smile a whole lot even as they all settled down for a film the chatter didn't stop and he was especially grateful for that when Kris came and sat closely beside him, thigh to thigh and looking at him through the corner of his eye. He tried to focus on the conversation with Danny who was sat on the floor talking about everything that was wrong with brown M&M's and pulling them out from the packet one by one dropping the into Allison' eager hands.
The two of them were a much needed distraction from the warmth that had been radiating off Kris. It had been a long and late night, none of them wanting it to be over and even when they admitted defeat and suggested they head back to the hotel it still took them an hour to all get up and get out the door. Kris had hesitated, holding back while the others left and he hadn't spoken to Adam before he left just a small shy look and a gentle hand touching his face before he was following the others out the door.
The weekend hadn't been full of the usual rehearsals they were all given the time to spend with family and friends or do whatever they wanted and the visit from Katy meant that Adam hadn't seen Kris at all. Adam and Allison decided to spend the day shopping and it was a happy distraction because Allison was always full of energy, happy and bright and completely able to pull him out of a vivid daydream about Kris. They had made their way from store to store, giving themselves the task of finding the most ridiculous thing in the shop and taking a picture of it. Allison had smiled with each click of her camera claiming that all of these would be moments to remember in the never ending task of tour rehearsals. Again, Adam could understand her feelings but he couldn't really relate not when he was wishing it would never end.
They were back in Allison' hotel room now and Danny had joined them shortly after and he sat happily on the bed as they showed him each photo in the stores and he laughed along as Allison jumped up off the bed each time to act out her and Adam' adventures of the day. Adam himself falling into fits of uncontrollable laughter when she did her best impression of Adam. It was quite scary how good she was getting at that.
A shattering sound from the room next door broke the laughter and Allison' face fell immediately Adam jumped off the bed wanting to protect her from what he could only imagine was Kris and Katy in the next room. Adam gripped hold of her hand quickly and looked at Danny hoping his face would give everything he wanted to say away. Danny seemed to understand and was already the other side of her.
“Why don't we all go to Lil's room? Annoy her a little bit and show her these photos?”
Allison was nodding her head a little but still staring at the wall and Adam had to admit he was finding it hard to tear his eyes away. But he could feel the pull of Allison on his hand as Danny was moving her out of the room. It felt stupid to move just two doors down because they might still even be able to hear it from there but he hoped the group of them together would be enough of a distraction.
Danny was peaking his head around the door as if he was sneaking out and Adam wanted to laugh at how stupid he was being but then he heard Allison giggle slightly and he wondered if maybe it had just been for Allison'. They all held onto each other, laughing quietly as they tip toed down the hall the tension from a few moments ago having already left them but then there was a thudding sound of a door being slammed behind them and instinctively they all turn around.
Katy was leaning against the wall her hands on her face and her whole body was shaking, her usually perfect hair was a mess and falling across her face. Allison seemed to try and pull free of the grasp Adam and Danny had on her, but Adam held on tighter and he was well aware that Danny was too. The door that Katy had fled from opened slowly and Kris was slowly emerging from the room moving closer towards Katy trying to pull the hands from her face whispering words that were too low for them to hear.
It was intrusive and wrong but none of them seemed to be able to turn away in fact the only one who noticed was Danny and he pulled on them both urging them to carry on to get to Lil'. But everything seemed to happen in slow motion then, Katy' hands were falling from her face and she shifted her head to move the hair from her eyes. The brief moment that Adam' eyes met with Katy' he could already see everything she was feeling and all the blame she was throwing his way.
Danny was still trying to pull them both away but Adam seemed rooted to the spot unable to move even as he saw her wildly moving towards where they were stood.
Her words were almost unintelligible as she tried to speak through angry sobs but he was aware of hands attacking his chest small fists with a powerful force hitting with their full might and he staggered backwards slowly his back meeting the wall. He didn't try and stop her, he didn't try and push her away and he was happy that Danny had grabbed hold of Allison and was holding onto her tightly stopping her from doing anything.
Adam still couldn't understand a word of what Katy was saying every now and then he was sure he could make out the word “you.” and it was said with such anger that Adam was almost glad he couldn't make out anything else, just that one word was enough to let the guilt he was feeling completely take over him.
Katy' hands were slowing and he was aware of someone else close by now he turned to see Kris desperately trying to pull Katy away whispering to her, pleading with her and she stopped abruptly taking in Kris expression before fleeing down the corridor. Adam tried to reach out for Kris as he followed behind but as soon as he had taken hold of Kris hand it was being shaken off angrily and Kris still determined was running after her.
Adam' body seemed to give up and he slid down the wall staring in the direction that Kris had disappeared in. He kept looking and waiting thinking that at any moment Kris was going to come back round the corner. It was selfish and a pointless thought but he still wanted it. He tried to ignore the gazes of the two people stood over him this would be easier for Danny he knew what was going on but Allison would be confused wanting answers he was sure he could already hear her voice pleading with Danny, desperate with worry and he loved her and hated her at the same time because he couldn't do this he couldn't shatter her allusions of how all of them were one big happy family.
He knew Kris wasn't coming back, he had known it the moment he ran after Katy and although he knew Kris had to do that and he owed Katy that, Adam couldn't help but feel the rejection that washed through him. The look in Kris' eyes as he had brushed Adam' hand away it had been the same look that lingered in Katy' eyes, a look of blame.
He could hear Danny' voice now, soft and quiet and to no one but Allison and he could hear her protesting the words fighting against it just like Allison always did but there was something in Danny' voice that made her change and give in she was walking away slowly looking back over her shoulder trying to meet Adam' eyes but he looked away quickly there was no way he could look at her now and not completely break down at least with Danny he still had some kind of boundary, he knew how far he could go and with Danny' company he hoped it would hold back some of the emotion that was threatening to leave him.
Danny was beside him quickly and unusually he had nothing to say. He just sat quietly and Adam had been expecting something else from him so he didn't know what to do with this, in fact he didn't know what to do with any of this. Katy' eyes were haunting him dark and unrelenting and completely justified. He had wanted Kris for so long and those feelings had been the most predominant of anything else he felt. So when he had looked at Katy and Kris he hadn't seen a couple that were falling apart he had just seen another reason why Kris could never love him or would never want to be with him, he already had the person he loved more than anything and Adam was just a friend.
Now he could see everything as if it were all from Katy' perspective. All the time alone he and Kris had spent together, the hugs and looks that lasted perhaps those few seconds too long and the way whenever Katy would enter a room Kris barely even noticed if he had been talking to Adam. Of course hadn't been able to see it, because all he saw Katy as was someone taking Kris away from him but he had never been Adam's to begin with.
Kris was Katy' and while she had stood by his side and supported him Adam had been slowly helping to rip the two of them apart without even realising what he had been doing. He could understand the blame in both of their eyes, he deserved it he should have fought harder against this, separated himself from Kris when he realised how he felt, but he just pushed it further testing himself and Kris to see how far he would go and now he knew the truth while he had been hopelessly falling in love with Kris, Kris had been falling in love back and while there was no blame in that for Adam he still couldn't help but feel it.
He could hear a strange muffled sound filling the quiet hall and it was before he felt Danny' hand on his shoulder did he realise that sounds were coming from him. Desperate and harsh sobs leaving his chest and he literally couldn't breathe through them. Panic flooded through him, every insecurity and fear played out like a truth before his eyes.
All the time so many selfish thoughts feeling like he was the one suffering through this all, then blissful days of happiness of just him and Kris and their new admission. Not once had he thought of Katy and what it had meant for her and Kris, he had been surrounded by only thoughts of him and Kris and the pain of anyone else had been there a small quiet ticking in the back of his mind but now it was all he could think of. He was ripping apart the lives of two people who had been entwined for so long, who had been through so much and who was he to take all that away?
His body was shaking furiously and he felt Danny' arm move around his back even more and hold on tightly trying to keep Adam' body still but it was leaving him now the overwhelming fear that he wasn't worthy of all of this and that he could never be someone's first choice, especially not someone like Kris.
He heard Danny sigh sadly and then his face was crushed into Danny' chest and he let go of all the tears that had threatened to fall so many times before. It should have been awkward and uncomfortable and he should have wanted to run away from this comfort from Danny but didn't know where else to go and who else to search for. There was no one else that would understand this and for some bizarre reason the only person he felt like who could understand this was Danny. So he held on and let go breaking down like this for possibly the second time in his life and he waited for words to fall from Danny' mouth but nothing came, he was sure he heard angry noises and again more sad sighs but he never said a word, only held on.
The shaking seemed to fade and the sobs grew quieter and less frequent. He could feel his eyes growing heavy and his body relaxing and he was so tired. He was sure he was still crying as he drifted off to sleep his face wet with tears and Katy' face in his mind.
He could his body being lifted off the floor, a hushed voice in his ear and he felt like he was being carried along the corridor and he wondered how Danny was managing to carry him along all by himself. He wanted to open his eyes to look but he was still drifting in and out from sleep and even the thought of lifting his head to look around seemed exhausting and then he was drifting again.
Warm comfort surrounded him, soft cotton pressed against his skin and he knew he could hear voices now. Soft but agitated and angry, they were both trying not to raise their voices but the anger made it worse and he could make out Kris voice suddenly and he wanted to jump up from the comforting place on the bed but Danny was fighting back and he wondered if maybe he was dreaming.
“... I know you don't like me or trust me or whatever Kris. But I really hope you know what you're doing here.”
“I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. But I know what I want and I know who I love... I can't change that even if I wanted too...”
“You shouldn't want to change it. You need to think about what you are doing because every time I look around you seem to be hurting him more than you were before.”
“Oh yeah seeing as you now suddenly give a shit about Adam. What exactly are you doing huh? I've gone along with what Adam has said about you and how he spoke to you and everything magically got sorted out but I don't buy it Gokey. I think you're up to something...”
Adam was aware of Danny laughing slightly. “I don't care what you think of me Kris. Not any more, I've spent way too much time trying to be somebody I'm not and playing up to something that I didn't need to and you know who helped me figure that out? That guy right there... but if you want to turn this conversation around on me so you don't have to look at yourself then fine, do whatever you want. Do you have any idea how lucky you actually are?”
“Don't talk to me about lucky I am Gokey. You think I don't know? I don't deserve to have someone like Adam in my life, the way he fucking looks at me like I'm the only thing in the damn room. I've never had anything like this my entire life, I didn't even know that this could be something I could have. But he understands I know he has too... me and Katy... it's not like I can shut off my life before him.”
“Maybe he doesn't expect you to. Maybe he'd just like to be a part of it. Eventually it's going to come down to whether you can admit to him, yourself and everyone else that he is who you love and who you want to be with. But if you can't do that is it really fair for you to be taking what you want from him now while you can? Or three months down the line are you just going to walk away...”
“I would never do that to Adam.”
“Wouldn't you?”
Adam wanted to get up and stop them from fighting but their voices were quieter again perhaps noticing Adam' restlessness, maybe this was something neither of them wanted Adam to hear. So he closed his eyes and tried to ignore the voices but Kris was speaking again his voice soft and hushed.
“Do you expect either of us to have answers Danny, did you ever think that maybe this is just as confusing to Adam as it is to me? Whatever this is, we'll figure it out. Me and Adam I'm sorry that I can't give you a time schedule on that but I don't have to answer to you.”
There were more words passing back and forth between them but Adam couldn't make them out they seemed to be getting quieter and then the door closed and there was nothing but silence. The sound of voices had been Kris forcing Danny out the room no doubt. Adam felt the bed shift and creak. It dipped as Kris obviously made his way up the bed and under the covers. He could feel warm hands around his waist and Kris breath on his neck,then his lips were at Adam' ear.
“I'm sorry.”
He couldn't even begin to understand what Kris was apologising for and again tiredness made his brain unwilling to co-operate and open his eyes to question what he meant. Instead he just shifted slightly moving closer, moving down Kris' body to rest his head against his chest. He could feel Kris arms wrapping around him tighter and this wasn't going to solve anything and it wasn't right for Adam to take the comfort but he was slowly resigning himself to what he knew he had to do and if this was the last time he got to lie in Kris' arms he was going to revel it and remember everything.