Fic: If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It (3/?)
Title: If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: PG-13.
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Summary: It really was a mistake. It really was a mistake. Adam isn't fooling anyone.
Notes: Can I just say, all of your comments put me in such a good mood today you have no idea just how amazingly lovely I think you all are. If I could I'd give each of you a Kradam cookie. *squishes* So... :o another chapter, this never happens for me. I am never normally good at updating but Kris & Adam have me all inspired. I hope this is okay, I don't know if it's my favourite part of the story but I still hope you guys enjoy it. x
Disclaimer: Adam Lambert and Kris Allen are not mine. They belong to each other and play naked twister together.
Part One
Part Two
If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It
Chapter Three: More Than This
He really hadn't seen it coming. He was so shocked by it that he wondered if Danny was right and he really was that stupid. He thought that getting even a small amount of confirmation from Kris would make him feel elated and perhaps even free of some of the pain he felt. But if anything it only seemed to make it worse.
There were so many things that had felt perfect in that moment. He could literally still smell Kris all around him, and the skin where Kris' fingers had been still seemed to be burning now even hours after they had left. He could see Kris' eyes burning into his own and he was fairly sure that in those brief moments the whole world could have faded to oblivion and Adam wouldn't have even noticed.
The one set back was that Adam wasn't someone who could bury his guilt. So pretty much every time he looked at Kris and felt even the slightest hint of elation it was scarred by a deep feeling in the pit of his stomach that told him that the whole thing was so wrong. Because Kris was married. Happily married. Anyone who had seen the two of them together could see it, especially Adam. He had watched Katy closely, desperately hoping for some kind of flaw that he could pick apart at. But there really seemed to be nothing, it was all smiles and laughing in the married Allen camp and Adam realised that he was, well he was fucked basically.
He knew he was falling for Kris from the start and he'd even tried pathetically to fight the feelings. He knew there was no way it could end well at all, and still he let himself fall. He ignored the voices telling him that it was all wrong and instead he welcomed the quiet moments alone with Kris, cherishing them and hiding them locked away so he'd have them to remember after he had managed to screw the friendship up.
Because he hadn't just seen the feelings grow stronger, he had known that at some point he was going to fuck this up in true Adam style. He had friends, people who he could talk to but he had never met anyone like Kris and deep down he knew he wasn't lucky enough to keep someone so good and true as Kris in his life. Kris was smooth and perfect, big soft brown eyes and plaid shirts. And Adam... well Adam was not. Not that he wasn't proud of his style, he took pride in his uniqueness and he enjoyed the attention it provoked. But he knew what people must be thinking when they looked at him, all leather jackets and a face covered in make-up. What was he hiding?
The truth was he wasn't someone who could open up to just anyone. He envied people like Kris and Allison who had no limitations. The first conversation he had with Kris he had learnt more about him than he knew about some of his friends he had known for years. But that was just Kris, so easy to talk to and so easy to listen and it made Adam want to talk to him.
He was letting these thoughts consume him now, the same way he had all night. He knew today he would be running on two hours of sleep and hopefully a lot of coffee. The thought of the long day ahead full of rehearsals and singing was not something he was quite sure he could handle. He wondered if he just hid out in his room all day if anyone would even notice he wasn't there and then of course he remembered that there was 12 people all huddled together in his living that wouldn't let him stay here no matter how much he wanted to.
He heard a light knocking on the door and threw the covers over his head. He'd put any money on that being Allison and in about thirty seconds she would be through the door jumping on his bed. How did that girl manage to have that much energy at this time of day? But there was no crashing through the door and no yelling to be heard, just another light tapping on the door.
“Adam?”
So Gokey was giving him wake up calls now? The world was really playing one hell of a mind fuck on him. He sighed heavily and threw the covers off him, he jumped off the bed quickly searching for the jeans he had discarded last night before falling into bed. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and it was shocking enough to stop him in his tracks. He knew there was a reason he made sure to take off his make up every night. His eye liner was smudged and his eyes looked heavy and tired, his hair hung across his forehead and he would have perhaps cared more if it was anyone other than Danny and if he had more sleep.
He stepped to the door slowly pulling it open to reveal a just as equally tired looking Danny. “Well you look like shit.”
“Yeah. That Allison sure can talk. I don't think I fell asleep till like 3am.”
“What time is it now?” Adam rubbed his eyes and he knew it was probably a bad idea considering the state of his face anyway but he really couldn't have cared less.
“Like 5...”
Adam banged his head against the side of the door and sighed heavily. He could feel Danny' questioning gaze on him and he knew what he was going to ask and seriously could Danny not give it a rest just?
“So what happened?”
Adam shrugged, trying to plead ignorance. “What?”
“You know what... Kris came running out of your room last night looking all panicked and freaked out. What did you do?”
“Seriously Danny are you trying to live vicariously through me or something? Cos' I know we had a heart to heart last night but I gotta be honest this still kind of freaks me out a little bit...”
Adam really wished he knew when to just shut the hell up because the expression of hurt registering across Danny' face right now was making him feel like shit. Danny was already turning his back to walk away but Adam grabbed hold of his arm to turn him round again.
“Shit, Danny... I'm sorry. I'm not a morning person, especially when I've had like zero hours of sleep.”
Danny nodded slightly and turned to look back down the hallway into the lounge. Adam could hear the faint sound of talking and felt like he should be a better host and wave his guests of one by one, even though the thought did seem pretty stupid when he was going to see them all again in 2 hours.
Danny had turned to look at him again, his face more expectant than before. “Are you okay?”
“I have no idea.” Adam opened the door a little more and leant against the wall opposite his warm back hitting the coolness of the wall, he shuddered slightly. “I came into my room last night and he was just there. No anger, no yelling... just Kris...”
“Did something happen?”
“No... sort of... not really. But... Danny I think you might have been right and to be honest I don't know what to do with that because all this time I really had convinced myself that it was just me you know? That I was picking things out because I wanted them to mean something more and now its like I'm thinking back over every single little thing, all those moments that I thought it was just me and I...”
“Okay. Just calm down. You're freaking out.”
“Well excuse me but it's been kind of weird couple of days for me.”
He heard Matt and Allison laughing loudly from down the hall and he pushed away from the wall and poked his head around the wall. The two of them were staring in Danny and Adam' direction clearly amused by some private joke.
“Care to share the funny you two?”
Matt was trying to speak between the breaks of laughter and Adam knew what was coming before the words even left his mouth. “It's just... you two really do make a lovely couple.”
“Fuck you Giraud.”
“Sorry Adam but you aren't my type. And please language in front of the kids yeah?” He was laughing again and Allison had flung her arms around Lil giggling as they moved across the room towards the door.
“Get out of my apartment.”
“Sure thing... I bet you and Danny want some time alone right?”
He was laughing again and Adam was pretty sure that the only person who thought Matt was funny was Matt. When he turned back to look at Danny he expected to a mortified, uncomfortable expression but all he got was Danny shaking his and laughing a little.
“We're all going to the hotel get showered and hopefully get some coffee to wake me up, because me dancing on a good day involves a lot of falling over so I hate to think what today will be like.”
Adam left his bedroom door open and listened as he heard his friends yell their goodbyes, he waited for one in particular but it never came. Why should he even be surprised? He turned back to the mirror and looked at the place on his chest where Kris fingers had brushed softly against his skin, to where he had felt Kris warm breathe lingering there and he could still feel Kris that close, if he closed his eyes he was there again in the dark with Kris and it really had been perfect.
Adam could have laughed at the ridiculousness of the whole thing if his heart didn't feel like it was being pulled into tiny pieces. The brutal honesty of the situation was that someone was going to get hurt and the likelihood of person to suffer most was Adam but as he thought of Kris and how that one moment alone with him had meant more to him than the countless others he had been with he couldn't bring himself to care.
He caught sight of his face and shook his head, at least he had two hours to make himself look almost presentable. The first thing that he wanted desperately was a strong black coffee and then an hour long shower. He walked slowly down the hall and anticipated the mess the lounge would be in, but he found it all perfectly neat, in fact he was pretty sure it was a lot tidier than what it was before they had all shown up last night. He laughed slightly and shook his head, only one person could be responsible for that. Lil. He'd make sure to thank her later and hire her services to clean his apartment every week.
He practically fell over the sofa when he walked into the lounge to find Kris sat on the chair in the corner, his head slumped forward, resting in his hands. Immediately Adam wanted to rush to Kris' side and offer him comfort, it was completely the natural thing for him to do but he realised he couldn't comfort this, because he was the one who had caused it.
Kris' guitar lay on the floor by his feet and Adam couldn't ignore how much he loved seeing it there. How it felt at home, in its perfect position. It was stupid and idiotic but he imagined what it would be like to come home everyday and see the guitar sat in its very position now, he was pretty sure just that feeling alone would be one of many things he could get used to about having Kris as a permanent part of his life.
Kris seemed to notice Adam' presence and his entire body tensed and Adam really hated that. Because they had been a lot closer than this so many times and even with an entire room of space between them Kris was still awkward and practically shifting his body away from Adam'. A bitter comment lay on the tip of Adam' tongue, something along the lines to remind him of just how close they been last night and how he hadn't been the one to initiate that.
Kris' hands had fallen to his lap now and his face was rising to look at Adam. Adam could feel Kris' eyes all over his body and he wasn't one to get embarrassed or shy, but the way Kris took him in pausing to look at the bare skin of his chest left him feeling almost self conscious. Adam recognised the hunger in Kris' eyes, it had been there the night before and now that he thought about it, it had been there countless other times as well, he really had just been to stupid to notice.
Kris was licking his lips and his eyes were moving to Adam' face, clearly taking in Adam' appearance. Adam took the time to look at Kris too, his hair dishevelled and his white t-shirt slightly baggy from where he had sleep in it.
Adam turned away abruptly before Kris could meet his eyes because he was fairly sure he wouldn't be able to stop himself from pacing across the room and taking hold of Kris and acting out every thought that had haunted his dreams for months now.
“I thought everyone was going back to the hotel.”
“They did.” Kris voice sounded rough and low and damn had it always had such an effect on him?
“Then why are you still here?” Adam hadn't meant to sound so harsh, but he was beginning to wonder what the hell Kris was doing. Because everything about last night and this moment said that Kris wanted him just as much as he wanted Kris but he couldn't just walk over and take Kris because it wasn't his decision he wasn't the one with everything to lose, apart from his sanity and the resemblance of a heart that could beat.
“I needed to talk to you. To apologise.”
Adam let himself believe that this was the moment, he was caught up in Danny' words and his own thoughts that this meant something between the two of them. He wanted to turn and walk towards Kris before he could say anything else and just hold him and tell him that it didn't matter, that there was nothing to forgive because everything was going to be okay.
But he really was stupid.
“”I was out of line last night... I don't... I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking.” Adam turned around and Kris was stood up his expression unreadable and his body language all wrong. It was like looking back at a stranger. “You've been a good friend to me Adam, throughout this whole thing and I don't know if I would have made it without you.” Kris voice seemed to falter as he tried to figure out what to say and Adam knew he was staring, his mouth open in shock.
“I don't think that it's a good idea for you and me to be friends. I know we have to do the tour and no doubt there will be press stuff... but we'll get through it and then...”
“Then what? I see you at a party and you walk right on by as if I don't exist? Fuck that Kris this is insane. You came into my room last night, and you were there with me wanting the exact same thing I did.”
Kris was shaking his frantically. “I don't want that.”
“You don't want me?”
“Damn it Adam why are you making this so hard?” Kris' carefully structured walls were breaking in front of Adam's eyes. The real anger and pain forcing its way through. “You started this, you're the one who changed everything.”
“Right... you are so right. I did start this, I had a brief fleeting moment of insanity when I actually thought that maybe you might be feeling the same as I was for you. And yesterday when you were saying those things I just kept thinking well this is it, I've really fucked things up this time. But last night Kris that wasn't me. Are you actually going to turn around and blame that on me?”
“It was a mistake. I don't want that. And you know what you did fuck everything up. Because I was doing fine. No matter how insane these last few months have been Adam you have been the one constant thing I've had and now I don't even know what to think... you had no right...”
Adam' anger was blazing now. He had never before seen the look in Kris eyes and he had never felt so much anger towards the younger man their friendship so far had been happy smiles and moments filled with laughter and in the space of two days everything had shifted and changed.
“I had no right to what? Kiss you? No, I didn't. But I apologised for that Kris. Do you really think that this is easy for me? Feeling what I feel for you and having you turn around and tell me that our friendship is over? I know it's my damn fault, I know that. I can't go back and change what I did and you know what I wouldn't. You might wish that last night and that kiss never happened but I know you Kris and you were right there with me both times and you can deny it all you want, but you know the truth.”
Kris was silent for a few moments, the anger fading away to a blank expression again. The walls carefully rebuilt, refusing to let Adam in. “You want the truth?. After this I don't want anything to do with you ever again.”
Adam staggered backwards as if Kris had punched him in the stomach. He watched Kris pick up his guitar and jacket, his arms grabbing around his belongs and across his chest, holding himself together before he ran out the door.
Adam kept moving backwards until he met the wall, sliding down slowly until he met the floor. He could feel water filling his eyes but he refused to cry. He refused to give way to the pain that was threatening its way through. He sat his hands balled into fists and angrily punched the wall behind him, letting all his anger out. His breathing was fast and heavy and his chest was growing tighter, he was fairly sure the room was spinning and his head felt light. And with one final slam of his fists against the wall he stood up quickly, wiping the water away from his eyes.
He refused to be broken.
.
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: PG-13.
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Summary: It really was a mistake. It really was a mistake. Adam isn't fooling anyone.
Notes: Can I just say, all of your comments put me in such a good mood today you have no idea just how amazingly lovely I think you all are. If I could I'd give each of you a Kradam cookie. *squishes* So... :o another chapter, this never happens for me. I am never normally good at updating but Kris & Adam have me all inspired. I hope this is okay, I don't know if it's my favourite part of the story but I still hope you guys enjoy it. x
Disclaimer: Adam Lambert and Kris Allen are not mine. They belong to each other and play naked twister together.
Part One
Part Two
If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It
Chapter Three: More Than This
He really hadn't seen it coming. He was so shocked by it that he wondered if Danny was right and he really was that stupid. He thought that getting even a small amount of confirmation from Kris would make him feel elated and perhaps even free of some of the pain he felt. But if anything it only seemed to make it worse.
There were so many things that had felt perfect in that moment. He could literally still smell Kris all around him, and the skin where Kris' fingers had been still seemed to be burning now even hours after they had left. He could see Kris' eyes burning into his own and he was fairly sure that in those brief moments the whole world could have faded to oblivion and Adam wouldn't have even noticed.
The one set back was that Adam wasn't someone who could bury his guilt. So pretty much every time he looked at Kris and felt even the slightest hint of elation it was scarred by a deep feeling in the pit of his stomach that told him that the whole thing was so wrong. Because Kris was married. Happily married. Anyone who had seen the two of them together could see it, especially Adam. He had watched Katy closely, desperately hoping for some kind of flaw that he could pick apart at. But there really seemed to be nothing, it was all smiles and laughing in the married Allen camp and Adam realised that he was, well he was fucked basically.
He knew he was falling for Kris from the start and he'd even tried pathetically to fight the feelings. He knew there was no way it could end well at all, and still he let himself fall. He ignored the voices telling him that it was all wrong and instead he welcomed the quiet moments alone with Kris, cherishing them and hiding them locked away so he'd have them to remember after he had managed to screw the friendship up.
Because he hadn't just seen the feelings grow stronger, he had known that at some point he was going to fuck this up in true Adam style. He had friends, people who he could talk to but he had never met anyone like Kris and deep down he knew he wasn't lucky enough to keep someone so good and true as Kris in his life. Kris was smooth and perfect, big soft brown eyes and plaid shirts. And Adam... well Adam was not. Not that he wasn't proud of his style, he took pride in his uniqueness and he enjoyed the attention it provoked. But he knew what people must be thinking when they looked at him, all leather jackets and a face covered in make-up. What was he hiding?
The truth was he wasn't someone who could open up to just anyone. He envied people like Kris and Allison who had no limitations. The first conversation he had with Kris he had learnt more about him than he knew about some of his friends he had known for years. But that was just Kris, so easy to talk to and so easy to listen and it made Adam want to talk to him.
He was letting these thoughts consume him now, the same way he had all night. He knew today he would be running on two hours of sleep and hopefully a lot of coffee. The thought of the long day ahead full of rehearsals and singing was not something he was quite sure he could handle. He wondered if he just hid out in his room all day if anyone would even notice he wasn't there and then of course he remembered that there was 12 people all huddled together in his living that wouldn't let him stay here no matter how much he wanted to.
He heard a light knocking on the door and threw the covers over his head. He'd put any money on that being Allison and in about thirty seconds she would be through the door jumping on his bed. How did that girl manage to have that much energy at this time of day? But there was no crashing through the door and no yelling to be heard, just another light tapping on the door.
“Adam?”
So Gokey was giving him wake up calls now? The world was really playing one hell of a mind fuck on him. He sighed heavily and threw the covers off him, he jumped off the bed quickly searching for the jeans he had discarded last night before falling into bed. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and it was shocking enough to stop him in his tracks. He knew there was a reason he made sure to take off his make up every night. His eye liner was smudged and his eyes looked heavy and tired, his hair hung across his forehead and he would have perhaps cared more if it was anyone other than Danny and if he had more sleep.
He stepped to the door slowly pulling it open to reveal a just as equally tired looking Danny. “Well you look like shit.”
“Yeah. That Allison sure can talk. I don't think I fell asleep till like 3am.”
“What time is it now?” Adam rubbed his eyes and he knew it was probably a bad idea considering the state of his face anyway but he really couldn't have cared less.
“Like 5...”
Adam banged his head against the side of the door and sighed heavily. He could feel Danny' questioning gaze on him and he knew what he was going to ask and seriously could Danny not give it a rest just?
“So what happened?”
Adam shrugged, trying to plead ignorance. “What?”
“You know what... Kris came running out of your room last night looking all panicked and freaked out. What did you do?”
“Seriously Danny are you trying to live vicariously through me or something? Cos' I know we had a heart to heart last night but I gotta be honest this still kind of freaks me out a little bit...”
Adam really wished he knew when to just shut the hell up because the expression of hurt registering across Danny' face right now was making him feel like shit. Danny was already turning his back to walk away but Adam grabbed hold of his arm to turn him round again.
“Shit, Danny... I'm sorry. I'm not a morning person, especially when I've had like zero hours of sleep.”
Danny nodded slightly and turned to look back down the hallway into the lounge. Adam could hear the faint sound of talking and felt like he should be a better host and wave his guests of one by one, even though the thought did seem pretty stupid when he was going to see them all again in 2 hours.
Danny had turned to look at him again, his face more expectant than before. “Are you okay?”
“I have no idea.” Adam opened the door a little more and leant against the wall opposite his warm back hitting the coolness of the wall, he shuddered slightly. “I came into my room last night and he was just there. No anger, no yelling... just Kris...”
“Did something happen?”
“No... sort of... not really. But... Danny I think you might have been right and to be honest I don't know what to do with that because all this time I really had convinced myself that it was just me you know? That I was picking things out because I wanted them to mean something more and now its like I'm thinking back over every single little thing, all those moments that I thought it was just me and I...”
“Okay. Just calm down. You're freaking out.”
“Well excuse me but it's been kind of weird couple of days for me.”
He heard Matt and Allison laughing loudly from down the hall and he pushed away from the wall and poked his head around the wall. The two of them were staring in Danny and Adam' direction clearly amused by some private joke.
“Care to share the funny you two?”
Matt was trying to speak between the breaks of laughter and Adam knew what was coming before the words even left his mouth. “It's just... you two really do make a lovely couple.”
“Fuck you Giraud.”
“Sorry Adam but you aren't my type. And please language in front of the kids yeah?” He was laughing again and Allison had flung her arms around Lil giggling as they moved across the room towards the door.
“Get out of my apartment.”
“Sure thing... I bet you and Danny want some time alone right?”
He was laughing again and Adam was pretty sure that the only person who thought Matt was funny was Matt. When he turned back to look at Danny he expected to a mortified, uncomfortable expression but all he got was Danny shaking his and laughing a little.
“We're all going to the hotel get showered and hopefully get some coffee to wake me up, because me dancing on a good day involves a lot of falling over so I hate to think what today will be like.”
Adam left his bedroom door open and listened as he heard his friends yell their goodbyes, he waited for one in particular but it never came. Why should he even be surprised? He turned back to the mirror and looked at the place on his chest where Kris fingers had brushed softly against his skin, to where he had felt Kris warm breathe lingering there and he could still feel Kris that close, if he closed his eyes he was there again in the dark with Kris and it really had been perfect.
Adam could have laughed at the ridiculousness of the whole thing if his heart didn't feel like it was being pulled into tiny pieces. The brutal honesty of the situation was that someone was going to get hurt and the likelihood of person to suffer most was Adam but as he thought of Kris and how that one moment alone with him had meant more to him than the countless others he had been with he couldn't bring himself to care.
He caught sight of his face and shook his head, at least he had two hours to make himself look almost presentable. The first thing that he wanted desperately was a strong black coffee and then an hour long shower. He walked slowly down the hall and anticipated the mess the lounge would be in, but he found it all perfectly neat, in fact he was pretty sure it was a lot tidier than what it was before they had all shown up last night. He laughed slightly and shook his head, only one person could be responsible for that. Lil. He'd make sure to thank her later and hire her services to clean his apartment every week.
He practically fell over the sofa when he walked into the lounge to find Kris sat on the chair in the corner, his head slumped forward, resting in his hands. Immediately Adam wanted to rush to Kris' side and offer him comfort, it was completely the natural thing for him to do but he realised he couldn't comfort this, because he was the one who had caused it.
Kris' guitar lay on the floor by his feet and Adam couldn't ignore how much he loved seeing it there. How it felt at home, in its perfect position. It was stupid and idiotic but he imagined what it would be like to come home everyday and see the guitar sat in its very position now, he was pretty sure just that feeling alone would be one of many things he could get used to about having Kris as a permanent part of his life.
Kris seemed to notice Adam' presence and his entire body tensed and Adam really hated that. Because they had been a lot closer than this so many times and even with an entire room of space between them Kris was still awkward and practically shifting his body away from Adam'. A bitter comment lay on the tip of Adam' tongue, something along the lines to remind him of just how close they been last night and how he hadn't been the one to initiate that.
Kris' hands had fallen to his lap now and his face was rising to look at Adam. Adam could feel Kris' eyes all over his body and he wasn't one to get embarrassed or shy, but the way Kris took him in pausing to look at the bare skin of his chest left him feeling almost self conscious. Adam recognised the hunger in Kris' eyes, it had been there the night before and now that he thought about it, it had been there countless other times as well, he really had just been to stupid to notice.
Kris was licking his lips and his eyes were moving to Adam' face, clearly taking in Adam' appearance. Adam took the time to look at Kris too, his hair dishevelled and his white t-shirt slightly baggy from where he had sleep in it.
Adam turned away abruptly before Kris could meet his eyes because he was fairly sure he wouldn't be able to stop himself from pacing across the room and taking hold of Kris and acting out every thought that had haunted his dreams for months now.
“I thought everyone was going back to the hotel.”
“They did.” Kris voice sounded rough and low and damn had it always had such an effect on him?
“Then why are you still here?” Adam hadn't meant to sound so harsh, but he was beginning to wonder what the hell Kris was doing. Because everything about last night and this moment said that Kris wanted him just as much as he wanted Kris but he couldn't just walk over and take Kris because it wasn't his decision he wasn't the one with everything to lose, apart from his sanity and the resemblance of a heart that could beat.
“I needed to talk to you. To apologise.”
Adam let himself believe that this was the moment, he was caught up in Danny' words and his own thoughts that this meant something between the two of them. He wanted to turn and walk towards Kris before he could say anything else and just hold him and tell him that it didn't matter, that there was nothing to forgive because everything was going to be okay.
But he really was stupid.
“”I was out of line last night... I don't... I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking.” Adam turned around and Kris was stood up his expression unreadable and his body language all wrong. It was like looking back at a stranger. “You've been a good friend to me Adam, throughout this whole thing and I don't know if I would have made it without you.” Kris voice seemed to falter as he tried to figure out what to say and Adam knew he was staring, his mouth open in shock.
“I don't think that it's a good idea for you and me to be friends. I know we have to do the tour and no doubt there will be press stuff... but we'll get through it and then...”
“Then what? I see you at a party and you walk right on by as if I don't exist? Fuck that Kris this is insane. You came into my room last night, and you were there with me wanting the exact same thing I did.”
Kris was shaking his frantically. “I don't want that.”
“You don't want me?”
“Damn it Adam why are you making this so hard?” Kris' carefully structured walls were breaking in front of Adam's eyes. The real anger and pain forcing its way through. “You started this, you're the one who changed everything.”
“Right... you are so right. I did start this, I had a brief fleeting moment of insanity when I actually thought that maybe you might be feeling the same as I was for you. And yesterday when you were saying those things I just kept thinking well this is it, I've really fucked things up this time. But last night Kris that wasn't me. Are you actually going to turn around and blame that on me?”
“It was a mistake. I don't want that. And you know what you did fuck everything up. Because I was doing fine. No matter how insane these last few months have been Adam you have been the one constant thing I've had and now I don't even know what to think... you had no right...”
Adam' anger was blazing now. He had never before seen the look in Kris eyes and he had never felt so much anger towards the younger man their friendship so far had been happy smiles and moments filled with laughter and in the space of two days everything had shifted and changed.
“I had no right to what? Kiss you? No, I didn't. But I apologised for that Kris. Do you really think that this is easy for me? Feeling what I feel for you and having you turn around and tell me that our friendship is over? I know it's my damn fault, I know that. I can't go back and change what I did and you know what I wouldn't. You might wish that last night and that kiss never happened but I know you Kris and you were right there with me both times and you can deny it all you want, but you know the truth.”
Kris was silent for a few moments, the anger fading away to a blank expression again. The walls carefully rebuilt, refusing to let Adam in. “You want the truth?. After this I don't want anything to do with you ever again.”
Adam staggered backwards as if Kris had punched him in the stomach. He watched Kris pick up his guitar and jacket, his arms grabbing around his belongs and across his chest, holding himself together before he ran out the door.
Adam kept moving backwards until he met the wall, sliding down slowly until he met the floor. He could feel water filling his eyes but he refused to cry. He refused to give way to the pain that was threatening its way through. He sat his hands balled into fists and angrily punched the wall behind him, letting all his anger out. His breathing was fast and heavy and his chest was growing tighter, he was fairly sure the room was spinning and his head felt light. And with one final slam of his fists against the wall he stood up quickly, wiping the water away from his eyes.
He refused to be broken.
.