Round 8: Your Every Desire (TEAM AU - Part 5B/5)
five (continued)
For one of the few times in his life, Wooyoung is grateful for his quick tongue. He manages to speak easily and fluidly during his introduction, and even pulls a few laughs from the crowd. He catches Rain's eye while he's answering one of the judge’s questions and is amazed to see the man nod to him in encouragement. That feels pretty good. Unconsciously, Wooyoung quickly scans the rest of the audience on the elevated seating of the auditorium, made up mostly of other contestants and their families, for some other recognizable faces. He spots Chansung and Junho standing together near to the end of the stage, grinning at him. Junho flashes him a thumbs-up; Chansung waves, before pointing to somewhere in the crowd. Wooyoung follows the direction of his finger to see --
Jaebeom.
He's as pale as death and is wearing a blue paper medical mask to cover his nose and mouth, but he's wearing his New York Yankees baseball cap, and he has that slouch in his broad shoulders -- it's definitely him. Jaebeom's eyes flicker as Wooyoung stares at him, but because of the sick mask, Wooyoung can't tell if he's smiling or not. The guy looks completely awful, and Wooyoung is pierced with a heavy stab of guilt: it was him, who had made Jaebeom promise to come to the auditions, when he knew Jaebeom had been sick. Is still sick. And seems to be slumping further in his seat, the longer Wooyoung stares at him.
Oh my God, Wooyoung thinks, frantically. Is he dying or something? No way, right? He couldn't be--
"Wooyoung," one of the judges calls, snapping his attention back. "I asked if you were ready."
Wooyoung clears his throat. "Yes."
"What is the song that you chose to perform with?"
"It... was recommended by a good friend of mine," Wooyoung explains. "He said a friend of his wrote it. It meant a lot to him, so I'm honoured that he's given me the chance to use it with my stage."
"Good luck, then."
"Thank you."
Wooyoung bows to the judges and takes his position as Nichkhun's song begins to play. The melody, now unforgettable to Wooyoung, washes over him, cool and comfortable, and he lets himself go.
From his seat in the stands, Jaebeom sits up, eyes opening wider.
Wooyoung notices only superficially. His entire mind is already taken up by the rhythm of the music, pulsing through the air, into his body, and pouring energy into his limbs. He shuts off his entire mind, and just experiences the pure joy of moving to the beat. There's nothing else Wooyoung loves like this. His feet gliding on the ground, his waist swaying, his head nodding -- the heat of the spotlight and the sweat forming on his skin, the rushing of blood in his ears, a song all its own, and his own heartbeat, constant and unbreakable and strong, hammering through his body until Wooyoung’s body is nothing but an extension of the music surrounding him. There is no other way he can express himself like he can while dancing. While dancing, Wooyoung isn't Wooyoung the student, or Wooyoung the son, or Wooyoung the friend. He's purely and nothing but himself, and every move he makes, he is showing the world who he is, what he is capable of. Freedom.
His gaze travels through the crowd as he dances; for a brief second, he sees Junho and Chansung, for another, he sees Rain and the other judges, for another, he sees the main group of spectators, and for another, he sees Jaebeom.
Jaebeom, who has now removed his facial mask and is mouthing the lyrics to Nichkhun's song. His entire body is shaking.
Oh --
God, Wooyoung thinks, as his mind implodes.
That voice from the CD -- the voice he'd heard that first time, meeting Nichkhun, he knew it'd sounded familiar, he fucking knew it, he'd heard it speaking before, just not singing, and oh God, how could he not have realized -- Nichkhun's friend from Seattle and the scandal because of the talent competition and the multi-talented boy disappearing into thin air, snubbing Rain, and then Jaebeom arriving here in Seoul out of nowhere, with nothing to his name but his own dance skills, Jaebeom who had also run away from home but wanted more than anything to go back; Nichkhun's friend Jay, who had made a deal in order to protect his family, who had lied to Nichkhun, whose ulterior but stupidly noble motives ruined the entire transaction; Jaebeom who has been increasingly sick every time Wooyoung saw him, as if he's been dying from the inside -- and oh God, he has, he has been, all this time, because this is Park Jaebeom, and his is the third heart that's inside Nichkhun's shop.
His is the heart that is dying.
He is the person that Nichkhun has been searching for.
Wooyoung feels his body slow down, come to a stop. He stands.
"Wooyoung-sshi," the judge calls, "what are you doing? Your song is still playing. Are you feeling sick?"
Rain sits up in his seat, eyes narrowing at Wooyoung. "Wooyoung," he says, but Wooyoung barely hears him over the mayhem going on inside his head.
Wooyoung is staring at Jaebeom, and Jaebeom is staring back at him, his face utterly stupefied, an expression Wooyoung is sure is mirrored on his own face.
Then Jaebeom raises a hand to grip his chest, his shirt scrunching up under his palm.
"Wooyoung-sshi! If you do not want to participate, then please remove yourself from the stage! This is your final warning!"
"Wooyoung! Dance!" another voice shouts, and Wooyoung's eyes dart over to its source, and oh, fuck, it's his father, standing there by the exit door, face drawn and desperate, a strange emotion flashing across his face, something like --
"Wooyoung-sshi!!"
Wooyoung drags his terrified gaze back to the judges, then back up to the stands, to Jaebeom. He watches mutely as Jaebeom he takes one wracking breath, two; then his eyes drift shut, and he is pitching forward in his seat. He nearly topples into the person sitting in front of him, and a woman sitting next to him screams.
This is not Wooyoung's life right now. It can't be. Things like this don't just happen--
Would Wooyoung win, if he kept dancing? Would he finally make it and get his father's respect --
If he leaves now -- his audition will be forfeit.
But if he doesn't, then -- then Jaebeom -- and Nichkhun --
-- wishes dreams desires needs trades gifts obligations sacrifices worth --
"What is it worth to you, Wooyoung?" he hears Nichkhun's voice say, and Wooyoung thinks:
It's worth this.
"Are you fucking crazy?" Chansung shouts at Wooyoung, keeping pace with him and Junho. "We have to go to the hospital! He -- he needs help!"
"No, not yet," Wooyoung says, pulling Jaebeom's arm a little tighter around his shoulders. Beside him, Junho does the same with Jaebeom's other arm. Jaebeom's body is a dead weight in between them, and though he's still breathing shallowly, he's lost consciousness, his head lolling limply on his neck as Wooyoung and Junho carry him to the exit. Other people hurriedly scurry out of their way, staring at the scene they're making. Wooyoung doesn't turn back to see what kind of mayhem they've left behind at the stage. The judges are probably going crazy, demanding to know what had happened -- why had that boy collapsed in the middle of the competition, who was he -- after Wooyoung had ran up into the seats and hauled up Jaebeom. Junho and Chansung were at his side a second later, and as the three of them exited the main stage area, Wooyoung had caught a glimpse of his father approaching the judges. He can’t even imagine what Rain must be thinking of all this. Too bad Wooyoung can't spare the effort to worry about any of that right now.
"Wooyoung," Junho says, gritting his teeth, "I don't know what you're thinking, but this isn't a joke. Jaebeom hyung needs to medical attention."
“Yeah! He’s totally fucked up! We have to get a doctor!”
"No," Wooyoung says again. "I have to take him to Nichkhun's shop."
"Holy shit, you’ve lost your mind!"
"Chansung, open the door," Junho snaps, and Chansung rushes forward to push open the front doors. "Call for a taxi or something, we have to get to the hospital as soon as possible--"
But as soon as they reach the curb of the street, a long black sedan swerves right up to them, braking not a yard away. The door to the back seats open and inside the car, Ok Taecyeon's well-styled head pokes out of the passenger seat, flipping up his sunglasses.
"Get in," he says.
"You're both crazy! We can't go to Nichkhun's shop!" Chansung yells, after Taecyeon gives directions to his driver.
"We can and we will," Taecyeon says firmly. "Buckle up. We're going to go fast."
All three of them hastily pull on their seatbelts. It's a tight squeeze in the back with the four of them, Jaebeom squished in between Junho and Wooyoung, nearly sprawled on Wooyoung's lap. As they speed down the road and away from the arena hall, towards Nichkhun's shop, Wooyoung can't help but clutch Jaebeom's body to his, one arm clamped around Jaebeom's shoulders, and the other tight on Jaebeom's wrist, keeping track of Jaebeom's fluttering pulse. He reaches up with his sleeve and dabs away some of the cold sweat adorning Jaebeom's forehead.
"Hyung. It'll be okay," Wooyoung whispers to him. "We're going to go see Nichkhun. He'll fix you up. You'll be as good as new. You'll be okay."
"Wooyoung." Junho's lips are pursed, his cheeks splotchy with colour. Beside him, Chansung's eyes are blown wide and frightened. "What's going on?"
"I'll explain later," Wooyoung promises. "Later, when Jaebeom gets better."
"Better?" Junho cries. "You're taking him to a pawn shop! How can he possibly--"
"Nichkhun can help."
"Nichkhun isn't a doctor."
"Nichkhun knows what to do."
Junho shakes his head in disbelief. "I can't believe this. This is insane." Wooyoung catches himself before he breaks out in hysterical laughter.
"Wooyoung's right," Taecyeon says from the passenger seat. "Khun will be able to help him."
"How do you know?!" Chansung asks.
"Because Jaebeom and Khun made a deal. Isn't that right, Wooyoung?"
"Yeah." Wooyoung swallows, mind still whirring with the implications. How could he have been so blind all this time? So stupid? He should have seen, he should have known, and he didn’t, and now his mistake might cost Jaebeom’s life, might cost Nichkhun’s store and what do you think will happen to the shopkeeper.
"Nichkhun? Knows Jaebeom hyung?"
"They were--"
But Wooyoung doesn't get to explain further, because Jaebeom's pulse, all the while tapping weakly underneath Wooyoung's damp palm, now stutters erratically a few times, and vanishes.
Jaebeom's head drops onto Wooyoung's shoulder heavily, his body sags. He doesn't take another breath.
"Oh, fuck," Chansung says. He looks near tears.
"Jaebeom!" Junho yells, slapping Jaebeom's face lightly. "Jaebeom! Hyung! Wake up!!"
"Are we too late?" Taecyeon demands, craning backwards. "Fuck!"
"No, no no no no no, this can't be real--"
"Jaebeom hyung! Hyung!"
“What the fuck is going on--"
"SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!" Wooyoung screams. He runs a shaking hand -- oh God, oh God -- down Jaebeom's face and tips his head up. Wooyoung leans in -- please work, please work, this has to work -- and presses his lips to Jaebeom's right ear. Slowly -- please, please -- he starts to sing.
Junsu's there. He's standing at the end of the street, texting on his phone, but looks up as the sedan pulls up to Dreamhouse's front door.
"What the fuck is going on!" he shouts to them, when Taecyeon steps out of the car before it comes to a full stop. "I just got here and I see that the shop is out of business? What happened?"
But no one answers him, all of them too wrapped up taking in the shape of the building. Dreamhouse is completely dark and deserted, falling apart from the inside, creating a patch of darkness in the busy of an otherwise normal street. The shingles on the roof are cracked, the windows full of grime, the wood of the building is aged, the paint peeling. The glass panes of the front door are broken, smashed in, the CLOSED sign fallen on the ground, and Wooyoung's breath catches as an old fear claws its way up Wooyoung's gut, paralyzing him for an instant -- had his father been here? Did his father come to the store first, looking for Wooyoung? Did he -- did he --
"What the hell happened to this place?" Junho whispers, shocked. "Is Nichkhun even here?"
"The shop's still here, that means he's inside," Taecyeon says tersely. "Your friend--"
"Help me carry him," Wooyoung mutters, and restarts humming Nichkhun's song -- Jay's song, it's Jaebeom's song, he reminds himself -- to Jaebeom.
Together, he and Junho pull Jaebeom out of the car and Chansung lets them into the shop with the keys Nichkhun had never asked back from Wooyoung. Inside, the door to the employees only area is open and Wooyoung can see a dim white light emerging from inside. And he can hear the song being played too, echoed by Nichkhun's quaking, off-tune voice.
"Nichkhun!"
The voice stops. Footsteps. Nichkhun comes out of the white room, orange apron and all, staring at the group of them huddled there like he’s seeing death itself. His large eyes take in Wooyoung, Chansung, Junho, Taecyeon, even Junsu, and finally, finally alight on Jaebeom, now being supported on Wooyoung's back.
"Jay," he breathes. His eyes snap to Wooyoung's, stunned, before he blinks and gathers himself. "Come in, here," he says, waving Wooyoung into the white room. "Quickly. Lay him down on the floor, by the table. There’s still time.”
“I’ve been singing to him,” Wooyoung says. “I thought it might--"
“Yes, I heard you--"
“Will he be--"
“We’ll try,” Nichkhun says, pressing two fingers on Jaebeom’s chest, and his other hand palming Jaebeom’s forehead. He stays in this position for a brief instant - but to Wooyoung it feels like years.
The fluorescent lighting in the room washes out the sickly pallor of Jaebeom's face even more and Wooyoung bites back a sob, searching madly for the rise and fall of Jaebeom's chest, but getting nothing. Too late, too late --
Then, finally, Nichkhun nods. He gets up and lifts his hands to the third red jar on the table. The crack has split the glass down the centre, but the amazingly, the liquid inside doesn't spill out. But it's not pulsing with energy either. It just looks very dull, and very dead.
“Sing, Wooyoung," Nichkhun whispers.
So Wooyoung sings. His voice is cracked and thin, and his pronunciation is terrible, but he keeps on singing; sings as Nichkhun reaches, amazingly, through the glass of the jar with both hands, and sinks his fingers into the opaque red liquid, and slowly, so slowly, pulls them out -- pulls a tiny, red, glowing light out of the jar, which only holds a clear, clean liquid now; continues to sing as Nichkhun cups the red light in his palms and lowers it to the centre of Jaebeom's torso, pressing his palms flat against Jaebeom's chest.
This is the world I choose, my reality,
where I give a little, and get a lot,
and stand up and show everyone what I've got.
I'll dance, and I'll sing, like there's nothing else I know,
and it'll be worth it, this blood, this sweat --
So just let me dance, and let me sing,
this is everything to me.
A bright scarlet light explodes from Jaebeom's chest and fills the whole room, searing Wooyoung's eyes. He wants to raise a hand to shield himself from the intensity of it, only it doesn't hurt, the light is warm, and whole, and alive -- and Wooyoung keeps on singing as he watches Jaebeom's lips part open to take in a huge, shuddering breath.
The last thing Wooyoung sees is Nichkhun's tremulous smile, welcoming Jay home, and then the world is bathed in red.
"Wooyoung! Get up!"
What? Wooyoung thinks groggily. Oh, his mom.
"You'll be late for school!"
Shoot. Wooyoung pulls himself out of bed. Ugh, his head hurts.
Wait.
Wait--
Everything comes back to him in a dizzying rush: the talent competition, seeing Jaebeom, seeing his father, Jaebeom collapsing, nearly dying, being brought to Nichkhun's shop, Nichkhun transferring the heart back to Jaebeom, and Jaebeom breathing --
What had happened afterwards? When had Wooyoung gotten back to his house, back into his own bed?
And if Jaebeom got his heart back... that meant that Nichkhun's shop couldn't function anymore.
Wooyoung has never gotten ready for school so quickly. He doesn't even grab any breakfast, just throws on his backpack and tears out of the house, the devil at his heels.
When he reaches the end of the street, he gapes, uncomprehending. Nichkhun's entire shop is gone. Not gone. Just... not there. The building is once again an old abandoned shoe store; Wooyoung can see the stacks of empty shoeboxes lined up at the edge of the window. The sign above the door reads Jung Shoes.
Wooyoung walks up and down the street twice, just to make sure that he hadn't missed sight of Nichkhun's shop somehow, as if it could have sneakily insinuated itself between two other stores -- but, no, there's nothing. There's no trace of it.
Something very close to horror starts to grip Wooyoung's chest.
Quickly, he pulls his cell phone out of his pocket and punches in Junho's number; waits for him to pick up as he tries not to scream.
"What’s up, Wooyoung?" says Junho's voice.
"Junho! The shop is gone, it's totally gone and disappeared. I think he left somehow, but I don't know how or when, and now the shop is back to how it was before--"
"Slow down, take a deep breath; I can't understand what you're saying. What shop?"
"Dreamhouse."
"What is that?"
"His store. Dreamhouse! Nichkhun's store, don't tell me you forgot its name overni--"
"Who on earth is Nichkhun?"
It's like Wooyoung has suddenly been dumped into an icy pool of water, and is being held down under it. He opens his mouth on a gasp, but the air is too thin and he can't pull in enough breath. His head pounds.
"You still there?"
"Junho," Wooyoung asks weakly, "do you know anyone named Park Jaebeom?"
"Uh... nope. Should I?"
Fuck, Wooyoung thinks. It's gone, they're both gone -
“What did we do yesterday?”
“Er. Yesterday was Sunday. I didn’t see you.”
Wooyoung just barely manages to keep his phone slipping out of his nerveless grip. Nothing had happened. None of it.
“Wooyoung?”
"...yeah, sorry. I've got to go. See you at school." Wooyoung hangs up with trembling fingers. He doesn't dare call Chansung.
He walks home in a daze. Had Wooyoung dreamt the entire thing? All of it? From running to Nichkhun's shop in the dead of the night, to laying Jaebeom's too-still body on the floor of Nichkhun's white room? Was Nichkhun nothing more than the product of a teenager's overactive imagination; had Wooyoung been so desperate for a respite from his regular life that he'd created an entire world away from home -- was it even possible?
Yes, his mind supplies. Because Nichkhun had been too good to be true. Nichkhun's shop had worked out too perfectly. It had to be a dream, because real life isn't like that at all. Real life isn't some fairy tale. Wooyoung had not been a part of someone's happily ever after.
"Wooyoung, what are you doing back home?" his mother snaps as he trudges in the front door of their family store.
"I forgot something," Wooyoung mutters unthinkingly, and makes his way up to his room.
"Oh, wait, you reminded me," his mother says, rummaging through the drawer underneath the cash register. "Your father left this before he went off to work. Said it belonged to you."
She hands him an unlabelled CD, wrapped in a square paper envelope.
Wooyoung's heart stops.
"Where -- where did he find this?"
"You know, I can't remember," his mother replies slowly, confusion etched across her face. "I suppose it must have been somewhere in the house. It is yours, isn't it?"
"Yeah." Wooyoung swallows harshly. "It's mine."
The CD is Junsu's version of the song, not Jaebeom's, but Wooyoung had expected that. He'd broken the original copy, after all, and this copy was the one he'd brought to his audition. The one that his father attended, supposedly. Although now that fact is up for debate.
There are discrepancies in his room that he hadn't noticed this morning, in his rush to get to Nichkhun's shop: his CDs are back, as is his old boombox, everything else as well, in their rightful position from before Nichkhun had come into Wooyoung's life. But his novelettes are gone, the space underneath his mattress empty and dented.
So.
It hadn't been a dream, but Nichkhun is still gone. Evaporated. Out of Wooyoung's life, as if he had never existed in the first place.
It's a bit of a surprise, how much that thought hurts.
His cell phone vibrates in his pocket. An unknown caller.
"Hello?"
"Wooyoung, hi." It's Jaebeom's voice. Jaebeom.
"Jaebeom hyung? You -- you're okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good. Uh, how are you? I'm calling from the airport, so I can't talk long. I'm on my way back to Seattle."
"Hyung, what happened?" Wooyoung asks, desperation lining his tone. "I woke up today and everything was back to the way it was before I met Nichkhun, and the shop is gone. I called Junho but he doesn't remember anything, not the shop or you or Nichkhun hyung. Do you know where Nichkhun went? Is he okay, why did he--"
"Hey, hey, calm down. It's okay," Jaebeom soothes.
"No, it's not all right, don't you get it, Nichkhun hyung's shop is gone. You're all right, so you got your heart back, but that means that Nichkhun -- he's--" he can't finish the sentence. Oh God, he can't even say it.
"He got another heart in time," Jaebeom says softly.
"Oh. He did?"
"Yeah."
"Whose?"
There's a pause. "Your -- your dad's."
Wooyoung chokes. Jaebeom continues quickly, "He -- he got to the store, after you guys did, and I guess he saw you passed out and freaked, uh, I don't know, I wasn't really... I was sort of out of it too, at the time. Sorry. Khun wouldn't tell me afterwards, what the deal was about, but if you said that things went back to how they were before... maybe he wanted to protect you, Wooyoung. If you think about it -- it's like, you lost your audition because of me -- I, uh, I'm sorry about that too, by the way -- and it was my song you used in the first place, and the only reason Nichkhun was here in Korea was because of me, and actually the only reason the talent search happened at all was because I totally fucked up--" Jaebeom exhales raggedly. "I'm sorry. It wasn't like -- like, Khun didn't force him or anything. He's not allowed to, you know that--"
"I know," Wooyoung says, because he does know. He can understand, too, why his father thought to do this, to erase Nichkhun from their lives. He can see his father weighing the pros and cons of the decision, as sure as if it had been Wooyoung himself, forced to make an immediate, horrendous choice about the fate of his son’s foreign friend. His father was under the assumption that Nichkhun was partly to blame for Wooyoung running away that night -- why else would Wooyoung go to Dreamhouse for help, after all? So he must have thought that without Nichkhun’s influence, it would mean Wooyoung never would have run away. Perhaps he even believed that by doing this, it’d mean he would have not lost his temper at all. Or maybe this was just his way of atonement, of apologizing to Wooyoung -- to make things even. Wooyoung supposes that by now, only one person knows the truth behind his father’s motives, except this person is no more than a memory, imprinted on Wooyoung’s brain and his body and oh, somewhere even deeper --
"Why," Wooyoung says haltingly, "why do I still remember him? I don't--"
"Do you know why Rain remembered me?" Jaebeom asks abruptly. "I think it was because Khun wanted to help me. He didn't know that I was only planning to go away to protect my family, right? He really thought that I wanted to leave to pursue my dancing. So he left Rain's memories alone on purpose, so I would -- if I ever met him, he would know me. Uh, so I think that if you still remember him, it's because. Because he wants you to."
There used to be a time, when Wooyoung had walked by Dreamhouse and had scoffed at the shopkeeper's garish orange apron and too-bright grins. There had been a time when Wooyoung had little to no feelings for Nichkhun, just ambivalence.
Wooyoung can't imagine what kind of life he used to lead.
"Wooyoung," Jaebeom says carefully. "Don't worry too much about your dad -- Nichkhun doesn't keep the same hearts for a long time; he always returns them in the end. I don't know if he's supposed to, but that's the kind of guy he is. He's nice. He cares for his customers."
Yes. Wooyoung knows that too. He whispers, "So you think one day I'll meet him again?"
Jaebeom laughs. "I gotta say, man. It's a small world, isn't it."
So Wooyoung closes his eyes, remembering how it felt to be gifted by one of Nichkhun's gentle smiles, and hopes.
But the real moral of the story is this: there are fairy tales, and there are happy endings, but they are created by yourself, defined by your own dreams and desires, reached only through the power of your own hand, and the strength of your own heart.
It’s on a clear, sunny day, years later, in a foreign country, when Wooyoung notices a very familiar looking shop, sitting at corner of a shopping district in Bangkok. Even from across the bustling street, Wooyoung is certain of what he’s seeing and can feel a grin start to split his face as he runs closer: inside the store, there is someone moving around, wearing an unmistakeably orange apron.
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Poll Round 8: Your Every Desire (TEAM AU)