I don't care, if you don't (5/?)
I don't care, if you don't (5/?)
~ 4,100 w, pg, (changmin/yoona) part i / ii/ iii / iv
She looks back at those moments and wonders why the minute ticks forward and years keeps going backward in her mind.
■ too many ideas and too little times, result in inability to update frequently
It’s a lie, a good one but also, a big one.
So she stands grounded and let her words sink into them like poisonous liquid because that is all there is left to do; watch the spread of confusions that form questions neither Jessica or Donghae will ever dare to ask when they all know her declaration of truth won’t be any less pleasing than their lies.
Yoona’s left feeling less than empty herself but she can’t take it back now, all she does is push down the regret threatening to crumble down her last bit of dignity she secured for herself.
“I - You - Ho…” Jessica wrestles with her words and Yoona thinks maybe she now understands what it’s like to have your thoughts so muddled up; only incomprehensible noises can be made.
Donghae swoops in with his easy charms but nevertheless, looks disturbed. “T - Then Jess and I are re - really happy to hear that!”
Dead of any emotion, “Thank you…”
“How is it?” He asks stiffly, a dry smile temporarily pasted onto his face, “How is it going between you two? Does he like you back too? We should…um…we should all go out for a meal sometime, my treat!”
“I - I don’t think he likes me back” Yoona says, choking on her nervous laugh, “And I don’t know, Donghae…maybe, I doubt he’d want to - “
“Yeah, that doesn’t sound like a good idea at all -“
“Sounds like a great idea!” Donghae cuts in with his false eagerness, silencing Jessica into noiseless disagreement. “Let’s do it then!”
They form a triangle, the three of them, standing there lifelessly and looking deep into each other’s soul. Yoona has her full disguise up; mask and armour and rolls of band aid on her open wound and yet, under Jessica’s betrayed eyes, Yoona struggles to deal with the knowledge that she’s sunk to her level - an eye for an eye has never been so explosively fabricated.
“Congratulation to the both of you,” she whispers and hopes it doesn’t sound as bitter as it does in her head, “I wish you all the happiness.”
She can’t decide who looks more horrified at her statement; Jessica or Donghae but it shouldn’t matter anymore when the past has woven its way so deep into the present and destroy even the slightest notion of their future.
When Yoona leaves the room, she knows the room and the event within it won’t leave her, ever.
-
Changmin doesn’t know what comes over him when they pull into the front of SM’s building, he sees
her stumbles out of the lobby’s swinging door and scurries out of the car like the world’s ending, maybe it’s because his really did today.
Ignoring his manager’s shouts of protests, he shouts his own to her. “Where are you going? Yoona!”
“Ch - Changmin?” Yoona swivels around so quickly, she nearly slips on the melting snow, “H - hey,
I’m - I just left something back in the recording studio, I - I’m going back in the -“
“No,” he says too harshly than he’d have liked, “No, I saw you coming out when the van was parking.”
“Look, I -“
Changmin swallows the lump in his throat and rasps out, “Where are you really going, Yoona?”
She looks up at him, her doe eyes thunderous yet so composed. “I don’t have to tell you, if I don’t want to.”
“I’m not forcing you to tell me, Yoona,” Changmin says softly, ignoring the snow falling into his hair,
“I just want to know.”
Yoona sighs, staring into the distance of the frosty road and pulling her coat closer to her body. “It’s been a long day, Changmin, I’m going home.”
He opens his mouth and clamps his jaw shuts in self-doubt, rubbing his neck to calm his nerve and tries his best to get the words out, “I have something to tell you, it’s important. We should go back inside.”
“Inside?” Yoona looks alarmed, voice raising, “We can’t go back inside!”
“Why not?” Changmin asks, raising his brows, “It’s cold out here.”
“Th - the elevators are broken so they’re fixing it right now,” She explains, shoving her hands in her pea coat’s pockets, “We can’t talk in there, it’s too loud.”
“Oh,” he breathes out, nodding slowly, “Then we’ll take my car, it’s in the building’s parking lot.”
She looks panic stricken for a long second then words start to pour at incomprehensible speed. “I -I think we should do this another day, I’m really tired a - and you must be really tired from yours too
-“
Changmin couldn’t care less for her excuses, surmises, “I’ll drive.”
-
He drives at a speed too fast for her to stomach but it’s really the conversation when they get to the restaurant that’s really the highlight of her endless torture of ‘does he know?’ or ‘does he not?” game.
It’s a traditional Korean place with too tasteful decorations; brush painting of trees and mythical creatures framed and hung up all around the room. The sound of silence shared between Changmin and her is accompanied by howling kettles back in the kitchen, shunning the argument between the owners. There’s no other customer, just the two of them huddled together at a small table pushed to the back wall. It’s a private event, too private.
Finally, “Are you cold?”
“No.”
“Would you like something to eat?”
Without missing a beat, just like a robot, “No, thank you.”
Nevertheless, he still fires on with his endless questions. “You look a bit ill. Are you feeling okay?”
“Like I told you,” Yoona says flatly, folding her hands in her lap, “I’m tired.”
Changmin doesn’t hang on for another moment of silence; instead he shifts his chair closer to hers and shrugs his coat off, begins to roll up his sleeves. “I thought things through today and it made me think of something, I don’t know if I’m right but,” he pauses to take a breather of air, then says unsteadily, “I think I know the real reason Jessica broke up with me.”
Yoona stiffens. Not entirely sure if she should be relieved that her recent lie to the secret couple have yet to slip through the crack or grieve for how far she’ll have to go to cover her tracks, another act of nativity can only do so much to change the future ahead of her. It’s unthinkable.
“Yo - You do?” she stutters, throat so dries it hurts to get those two words out.
He stares at her, with so much to comprehend when she can only understand so little and sighs, the weary sigh that seems inevitable between them as of late. Yoona doesn’t get it and she never will when it comes to the many layers of Shim Changmin.
There seems to be a dark cloud hovering over his head, then everything that was waiting to burst from within vanishes along with her worries when he speaks again. “Never mind, I’m still in denial - she doesn’t feel anything for me enough and sees no point in sticking around, I should accept that now.”
And it’s true but there’s no acceptance in either of them.
Yoona nods, a silent agreement and takes a sip of her no longer warm cup of tea. “I think…I think if you make an effort to try and embrace that idea,” She slips her fingers into his and squeezes his hand, hoping that it’d give him the comfort he needs, “I think that’s good enough, it’s good enough to me anyway.”
“I’m sorry for wasting your time,” He mumbles, holding her hand tighter, almost as if its second nature and she couldn’t help but cringe, “But we’re here so we might as well order ourselves dinner.”
Pulling her hand reluctantly from his, she thinks quick to distract him, says, “I don’t think it’s a good idea, what if someone sees -“
“Don’t worry,” he waves her off and picks up the menu, “No one ever comes here after nine so pick something, it’s on me tonight.”
So Yoona just nods. She doesn’t have the energy to fight Changmin on this, especially when there’s nothing she can do but, like he says, accept it now.
-
“Should have told her.”
Changmin says to no one particular, just a little man living in the mirror of his bathroom that is himself. There are bags under his eyes, much like the ones he saw on Yoona today. He thinks he’s seen enough glimpses of her throughout the years to know her on the surface. He knows, he can see with his own eyes.
He also, likes to thinks, that is why he didn’t tell her and is right for doing so. If she doesn’t know, then maybe there is justice to this whole thing. Maybe.
It’s become so much more, so quickly - it’s not only Donghae as a heartbreak factor anymore. Jessica’s in the picture now and even Changmin, himself, doesn’t know how long she’s been there with Donghae, in between him and Yoona. He considers the wasted years of friendship, there’s no point in experiencing betray when one doesn’t have to.
But Changmin’s not a saint.
He wipes his face dry with a towel and throws it back on the counter, looking at every inch of his face and tries to make sense of the discovery and its consequences, how there will be no consequences.
Sleep escapes him that night when all he could think of is the ‘if’s of Donghae and Jessica’s fall from grace.
“Should have told her.”
And that is where his lies begin.
-
“When did you start to like him?” Jessica asks her in the morning when everyone else’s lost interest
in proper breakfast on dining table.
“Changmin?” Yoona asks, feigning casualness as she takes a bite of her half burnt toast.
Jessica glares a little. “Who else?”
“I don’t know the exact moment I started liking him,” she replies, ignoring the blonde’s previous question, “It just happens.”
“What does that even mean?” She breaks in, a hot rush of anger consuming her as she slams her fork down, “Do you just wake up one morning and suddenly go “oh I think I like my best friend’s boyfriend”?”
The hypocrisy in her statement makes Yoona want to hurl her plate of barely touched breakfast across the room. She holds back the cruel words, biting her lips so hard that it draws blood because she’s better than conceding speeches, better than Jessica and Donghae - the both of them. She can’t be weak if she wants to survive this.
“You guys broke up by then,” Yoona states shortly, dabbing the corner of her mouth with the napkin.
“Oh,” comes out like calm bitterness, “Okay, that’s a bit weird.”
Yoona blinks. “What’s weird?”
“Well, you and Changmin were never really close friends,” Jessica begins, munching down her cornflakes, “You must have gotten close really quickly.”
“Isn’t that with you and Donghae?” She questions quietly, afraid of showing the tiniest hint of jealously.
“Yeah,” Jessica averts her gaze and leans back in her chair, crossing her arms on her chest.
“Something like that.”
Yoona sweeps her hair off her forehead warily, knowing that the long awaited awkwardness has finally welcomes them. Jessica seems to have noticed it too and shifts her attention to the floorboard, tapping her foot against it to create some kind of noise to lessen the tension and failing.
“Filming starts in two hours,” Yoona murmurs, her voice subdued now, “I better start getting dressed, I’ll see you at dinner tonight.”
She supposes this might as well be the end of their growingly distant friendship, there’s not much regret in crossing the line of an enemy when one of them has already gone there.
-
“Jessica cheated on me with Donghae.” He states evenly, switching the television off and watches
as Kyuhyun’s face fall, horrified.
Changmin’s been holding it in, he had to tell someone and it might as well be his best friend.
“Man,” Kyuhyun moans, throwing his Xbox controller onto the floor with a loud ‘thud’, “I knew those two hiding something from me - always whispering behind my back and closing doors in my face.”
“So you didn’t know?” Changmin asks distractedly, stretching his limbs.
“No, dude, Donghae and Eunhyuk aren’t stupid, they know I’d tell you,” Kyuhyun shakes his head,
looking exasperated, “You sure you’re right though?”
He nods sternly. “Yeah, looking back now, I know it must have been going on for a while now.”
Kyuhyun grimaces for Changmin’s sake. “How did you figure it out?”
“There were the typical phone calls behind my back,” Changmin huffs a laugh, more reserved that he’d been yesterday, “She’d always be arguing with someone on a call, goes into a room and shuts the door - something about waiting.” He softens a little at this, his face becoming less contort, says, “At first I thought it was coincidental that Donghae broke it off with Yoona around the same time but it’s glaringly obvious to me now, Jessica, she -“
He can’t bring himself to finish his sentence and leaves it to Kyuhyun to do so. “She’s been cheating on you with Donghae.”
“Do you think my assumption is correct?” Changmin tries for a smile but it doesn’t feel right on her face. “Or perhaps, I am looking too deep into it.”
“No, I think you’re right, man,”Kyuhyun confirms, “Donghae’s been really…not Donghae-ish for the past couple of months, I didn’t think it would be about something like this.”
His jaw tightens. “And I didn’t suspect a thing -
“No one would have suspected anything, even if it was hitting them in the face,” he says quietly, looking more bothered than anything, “I wouldn’t know about Jessica but Donghae,” there’s a pause to catch his much needed breath, “Donghae’s crazy about Yoona, man, has been from the start! We all know that.”
Changmin looks at him for a moment, lips pursed, and decides, “He’s not crazy about her now and he wasn’t then either.”
And once again, he knows he’s right.
-
The set is busier than it’s been in weeks. Staffs are seemingly on time limit with less frequent coffee run, consequently less sleep and even less impressive scripts being handed in. Yoona prays her airing time will be longer than the last but as it goes, she keeps getting less and less the further they delve into the interesting part of the story line. However, she gets given more ridiculous outfit, too much skirts and too much blush.
The rating isn’t much to talk about, they’d hush when Yoona’s not around but she’ll counter the negativity with her optimism - at least she’s the lead.
They award her a twenty minutes break for her hard work and all she wants to do is take a nap, which sounds so stupidly simple but almost impossible to achieve with the level of noise. Yoona gives up when she’s still ahead and starts to nibble on her crackers, tasteless but she can’t afford to gain much more weight, so her manager says.
It’s only when the last five minutes start ticking that Tiffany comes through with a packed lunch box.
She rushes over, huffing and puffing and out of breath when she drops down the polka dot cloth wrapped box into Yoona’s lap then pulls her into a hug so tight, she suffocates.
“I’mreallyreallysorryaboutwhatIsaidaboutyouandchangmintheotherdayforgiveme”
Yoona laughs a little, awkwardly patting the red head on the back. “I - it’s okay, unni, I’m sorry too for the way I reacted.”
“No, it is not your fault!” Tiffany pouts, pulling away and does her classic mother pose, hands on hips. “Im Yoona, don’t you dare apologize for your unni’s mistake.”
“Okay, unni and thank you for the lunch box,” She says brightly, breaking into a grin, “You shouldn’t have come all the way here and wait until you see me later tonight.”
“I had to!” Tiffany says with a tragic gasp, lightly touching her shoulder, “As soon as I heard from Siwon oppa, I knew I had to come and see you.”
Yoona freezes. “What did you hear?”
“You know, right?” Tiffany asks in naïve casualness, peering into her pair of chocolate pools, “I called Jessica on my way here just to double check, she said you found out two nights ago.” The red head leans closer to give Yoona a glimpse of her questioning gaze, “You did know, right?”
“Oh yeah.” She says thinly, the word tight and hard.
Tiffany peers at her, furrowing her eyebrows like she always does when she’s concerned. “I know it must be hard when it’s only been weeks but Jess told me you have a thing for Changmin anyway.”
There’s a fond look blooming in the older girl’s eyes - the one that the romantic side of her brings out and Yoona barely manage to stiff her groan when Tiffany begins to tickle her sides, teasing her to no end with an odd English chant about love, Changmin and her.
Love? Her and Changmin? Somehow the thought makes her sadder than she already is.
-
It happens after dance practice, when Yunho’s dragging him down to the second floor for some outfit fitting, it sound too much like a female kind of activity to Changmin’s ears but he’s got no excuse this time so he lets Yunho nags him all the way to the elevator and down the hall.
Turns it’s not only Dong Bang Shin Ki that has a date with the company’s stylists.
Changmin hasn’t prepared himself for this, hasn’t even begin to imagine it but here he is, one foot stuck through the door with his heart and head pounding so hard, he can barely feel himself standing there, watching the rest of the room spins over at a bile worth speed along with Lee Donghae’s glowing form.
“Yunho, Changmin!” cuts through his trance like a knife, “You, jerks, where have you been?”
And it’s Boa, all sunshines and star dusts as she skips across the room before throwing herself at the two of them in a hug attack that’s lovely and warm, if anything.
“Ugh” Yunho grumbles, stumbling back along with Changmin and into the wall with a loud ‘smack’
“Can you try not to be so rough? I’m convinced you want to kill us, more than you miss us.”
“Don’t be such a baby,” Boa teases, shooting him a glare. “I don’t see Changmin complaining.”
Yunho scoffs. “That’s just cause he’s scared of you.”
“Hyung, really?”
“You’re such a piss head, Yunho,” The petite brunette jokes, shoving him playfully, “Changmin just misses his noona,” Boa switches to her baby voice and Changmin couldn’t help but grunts a little when the cheeks pinching starts, “Unlike Yunnie who doesn’t appreciate noona, right, Changmin?”
Yunho rolls his eyes and walks off to the rack of clothes. “How old are you even?”
“Six and a half” Boa hollers after him, chuckling to herself when Yunho just shakes his head at her comicalness.
Then before Changmin realizes it, Boa has turned all sharp eyes at him, predacious. “How are you holding up? I heard you got dumped.”
Changmin averts his gaze, feeling cornered under her one. “You’re really on top of these things.”
“Of course, I am,” Boa boasts smugly, “I am your senior after all and that is why, it is very,” she emphasizes the ‘very’ as she pinches him on the forearm, getting a surrendering ‘ow’ out of him, “Rude not to call me noona, how many times do I have to tell you to call me noona?”
“I’m fine,” Changmin replies through gritted teeth, “Thanks for asking, noona.”
“That’s better,” She tips her chin back and looks at him through down cast eyes, her poor attempt at seeming bigger than him, “Now noona’s gonna give you a good piece of advice so listen up.”
Changmin wants to tear his hair out but doesn’t get the chance to when Boa throws her arm over his shoulder, pulling him down to her level, says like she knows what she’s talking on, “Love…is hard. You’re going to find someone you actually like enough to put up with all their shits and well, that’s good - great but they might not like you back or they might think they can find someone more compatible or they might just straight up break your heart -“
At this point, he interjects, “So like Yunho and you?”
Fury burns through her and Changmin can’t help but burst into laughter when she throws a punch at his chest. “How many times do I have to tell you to not speak of that, you ungrateful giant? Why do you continue to disrespect your noo -“
“Boa!” An all too chipper voice calls her, Changmin doesn’t need to look to know whose it belongs to.
The older girl has her usual smile pointed at the figure so close yet so far from where they are.
“Donghae! What’s up?”
“Let’s go!” She announces in excitement, grabbing his arm and bringing him closer to what he’s been avoiding all along since he arrived here.
And when they’re standing face to face, Changmin takes every little details of Lee Donghae in for the first time since they’ve met, because he had never paid any attention to this man who’s waving frantically at them. They’ve only ever been a series of ‘hello’, ‘work hard’ and ‘congratulations!’ to one another.
Changmin had never taken his time to notice the dimples, his broad shoulders, the way kindness possess his eyes or the habit to bite his lips after every sentence spoken. Those are the fews of the many little things he didn’t notice along with the loss of his girlfriend.
“Hey,” he hears Donghae says faintly and tears his eyes away from the floor.
Changmin nods, response woodenly. “Um..yeah, hey.”
Donghae’s crooked smile moves over to move, asks softly, “Are you here for an outfit fitting as well?”
“Why else would we all be here?” Boa says, raises an imperious brow, “I’ve got better things to do than try on fifty wack outfits, I don’t know about you guys though.”
Donghae laughs at this, eyes crinkling and reaching over to ruffle the brunette’s hair to her dismay.
“Don’t be mean. I’m sure if it was up to us, we would be doing something much more fun, agree Changmin?”
Besides Boa, Changmin blinks. “Sorry, what were you saying?”
She looks at him almost as if she’s offended, swatting him on the shoulder. “So rude, you weren’t even listening.”
“Sorry, I’m a bit worn out.”
“It’s okay,” Donghae waves off without missing a beat, the same old expression of cheerfulness still firmly in place, “You’re always working so hard, sleep doesn’t really fit into the schedule, does it?”
They exchange a quick moment of faux politeness - Changmin nodding at what he has let enter one ear and out the other and Donghae with his pearly whites flashing back at Boa and him. Then suddenly, Boa’s chance at reviving an easy atmosphere is taken away from her when Donghae’s phone starts to sing a tune, instinct of a man as good natured as this one, he murmurs a small ‘excuse me’ as he pulls the device out of his pocket. The name is a bold print across his screen and almost instantly, his fists tighten around the material of his jeans and he knows this surge of sheer hatred is not going anywhere.
“I’m sorry, I have to take this,” He says uneasily, “I hope I see you both soon, it’s been too long.”
In contrary, Changmin hopes to not see him anytime soon, if ever.
-
(Sometimes Yoona looks back. When she was young enough to not feel so exhausted. When she was new to the company. When a pale girl with crooked teeth was her first friend. When her first love couldn’t go a night without hearing her voice and would call the home phone until her father tells him off. She looks back at those moments and wonders why the minute time ticks forward and years keeps going backward in her mind. Has she been living a day dream? Is her judgement on the run? All this time, has she been alone - alone because something's been stolen from her without her knowledge? Would it all hurt less if she can commit the same crime?)
She calls Donghae and hangs up.
Changmin calls her and she picks up.
~ 4,100 w, pg, (changmin/yoona) part i / ii/ iii / iv
She looks back at those moments and wonders why the minute ticks forward and years keeps going backward in her mind.
■ too many ideas and too little times, result in inability to update frequently
It’s a lie, a good one but also, a big one.
So she stands grounded and let her words sink into them like poisonous liquid because that is all there is left to do; watch the spread of confusions that form questions neither Jessica or Donghae will ever dare to ask when they all know her declaration of truth won’t be any less pleasing than their lies.
Yoona’s left feeling less than empty herself but she can’t take it back now, all she does is push down the regret threatening to crumble down her last bit of dignity she secured for herself.
“I - You - Ho…” Jessica wrestles with her words and Yoona thinks maybe she now understands what it’s like to have your thoughts so muddled up; only incomprehensible noises can be made.
Donghae swoops in with his easy charms but nevertheless, looks disturbed. “T - Then Jess and I are re - really happy to hear that!”
Dead of any emotion, “Thank you…”
“How is it?” He asks stiffly, a dry smile temporarily pasted onto his face, “How is it going between you two? Does he like you back too? We should…um…we should all go out for a meal sometime, my treat!”
“I - I don’t think he likes me back” Yoona says, choking on her nervous laugh, “And I don’t know, Donghae…maybe, I doubt he’d want to - “
“Yeah, that doesn’t sound like a good idea at all -“
“Sounds like a great idea!” Donghae cuts in with his false eagerness, silencing Jessica into noiseless disagreement. “Let’s do it then!”
They form a triangle, the three of them, standing there lifelessly and looking deep into each other’s soul. Yoona has her full disguise up; mask and armour and rolls of band aid on her open wound and yet, under Jessica’s betrayed eyes, Yoona struggles to deal with the knowledge that she’s sunk to her level - an eye for an eye has never been so explosively fabricated.
“Congratulation to the both of you,” she whispers and hopes it doesn’t sound as bitter as it does in her head, “I wish you all the happiness.”
She can’t decide who looks more horrified at her statement; Jessica or Donghae but it shouldn’t matter anymore when the past has woven its way so deep into the present and destroy even the slightest notion of their future.
When Yoona leaves the room, she knows the room and the event within it won’t leave her, ever.
-
Changmin doesn’t know what comes over him when they pull into the front of SM’s building, he sees
her stumbles out of the lobby’s swinging door and scurries out of the car like the world’s ending, maybe it’s because his really did today.
Ignoring his manager’s shouts of protests, he shouts his own to her. “Where are you going? Yoona!”
“Ch - Changmin?” Yoona swivels around so quickly, she nearly slips on the melting snow, “H - hey,
I’m - I just left something back in the recording studio, I - I’m going back in the -“
“No,” he says too harshly than he’d have liked, “No, I saw you coming out when the van was parking.”
“Look, I -“
Changmin swallows the lump in his throat and rasps out, “Where are you really going, Yoona?”
She looks up at him, her doe eyes thunderous yet so composed. “I don’t have to tell you, if I don’t want to.”
“I’m not forcing you to tell me, Yoona,” Changmin says softly, ignoring the snow falling into his hair,
“I just want to know.”
Yoona sighs, staring into the distance of the frosty road and pulling her coat closer to her body. “It’s been a long day, Changmin, I’m going home.”
He opens his mouth and clamps his jaw shuts in self-doubt, rubbing his neck to calm his nerve and tries his best to get the words out, “I have something to tell you, it’s important. We should go back inside.”
“Inside?” Yoona looks alarmed, voice raising, “We can’t go back inside!”
“Why not?” Changmin asks, raising his brows, “It’s cold out here.”
“Th - the elevators are broken so they’re fixing it right now,” She explains, shoving her hands in her pea coat’s pockets, “We can’t talk in there, it’s too loud.”
“Oh,” he breathes out, nodding slowly, “Then we’ll take my car, it’s in the building’s parking lot.”
She looks panic stricken for a long second then words start to pour at incomprehensible speed. “I -I think we should do this another day, I’m really tired a - and you must be really tired from yours too
-“
Changmin couldn’t care less for her excuses, surmises, “I’ll drive.”
-
He drives at a speed too fast for her to stomach but it’s really the conversation when they get to the restaurant that’s really the highlight of her endless torture of ‘does he know?’ or ‘does he not?” game.
It’s a traditional Korean place with too tasteful decorations; brush painting of trees and mythical creatures framed and hung up all around the room. The sound of silence shared between Changmin and her is accompanied by howling kettles back in the kitchen, shunning the argument between the owners. There’s no other customer, just the two of them huddled together at a small table pushed to the back wall. It’s a private event, too private.
Finally, “Are you cold?”
“No.”
“Would you like something to eat?”
Without missing a beat, just like a robot, “No, thank you.”
Nevertheless, he still fires on with his endless questions. “You look a bit ill. Are you feeling okay?”
“Like I told you,” Yoona says flatly, folding her hands in her lap, “I’m tired.”
Changmin doesn’t hang on for another moment of silence; instead he shifts his chair closer to hers and shrugs his coat off, begins to roll up his sleeves. “I thought things through today and it made me think of something, I don’t know if I’m right but,” he pauses to take a breather of air, then says unsteadily, “I think I know the real reason Jessica broke up with me.”
Yoona stiffens. Not entirely sure if she should be relieved that her recent lie to the secret couple have yet to slip through the crack or grieve for how far she’ll have to go to cover her tracks, another act of nativity can only do so much to change the future ahead of her. It’s unthinkable.
“Yo - You do?” she stutters, throat so dries it hurts to get those two words out.
He stares at her, with so much to comprehend when she can only understand so little and sighs, the weary sigh that seems inevitable between them as of late. Yoona doesn’t get it and she never will when it comes to the many layers of Shim Changmin.
There seems to be a dark cloud hovering over his head, then everything that was waiting to burst from within vanishes along with her worries when he speaks again. “Never mind, I’m still in denial - she doesn’t feel anything for me enough and sees no point in sticking around, I should accept that now.”
And it’s true but there’s no acceptance in either of them.
Yoona nods, a silent agreement and takes a sip of her no longer warm cup of tea. “I think…I think if you make an effort to try and embrace that idea,” She slips her fingers into his and squeezes his hand, hoping that it’d give him the comfort he needs, “I think that’s good enough, it’s good enough to me anyway.”
“I’m sorry for wasting your time,” He mumbles, holding her hand tighter, almost as if its second nature and she couldn’t help but cringe, “But we’re here so we might as well order ourselves dinner.”
Pulling her hand reluctantly from his, she thinks quick to distract him, says, “I don’t think it’s a good idea, what if someone sees -“
“Don’t worry,” he waves her off and picks up the menu, “No one ever comes here after nine so pick something, it’s on me tonight.”
So Yoona just nods. She doesn’t have the energy to fight Changmin on this, especially when there’s nothing she can do but, like he says, accept it now.
-
“Should have told her.”
Changmin says to no one particular, just a little man living in the mirror of his bathroom that is himself. There are bags under his eyes, much like the ones he saw on Yoona today. He thinks he’s seen enough glimpses of her throughout the years to know her on the surface. He knows, he can see with his own eyes.
He also, likes to thinks, that is why he didn’t tell her and is right for doing so. If she doesn’t know, then maybe there is justice to this whole thing. Maybe.
It’s become so much more, so quickly - it’s not only Donghae as a heartbreak factor anymore. Jessica’s in the picture now and even Changmin, himself, doesn’t know how long she’s been there with Donghae, in between him and Yoona. He considers the wasted years of friendship, there’s no point in experiencing betray when one doesn’t have to.
But Changmin’s not a saint.
He wipes his face dry with a towel and throws it back on the counter, looking at every inch of his face and tries to make sense of the discovery and its consequences, how there will be no consequences.
Sleep escapes him that night when all he could think of is the ‘if’s of Donghae and Jessica’s fall from grace.
“Should have told her.”
And that is where his lies begin.
-
“When did you start to like him?” Jessica asks her in the morning when everyone else’s lost interest
in proper breakfast on dining table.
“Changmin?” Yoona asks, feigning casualness as she takes a bite of her half burnt toast.
Jessica glares a little. “Who else?”
“I don’t know the exact moment I started liking him,” she replies, ignoring the blonde’s previous question, “It just happens.”
“What does that even mean?” She breaks in, a hot rush of anger consuming her as she slams her fork down, “Do you just wake up one morning and suddenly go “oh I think I like my best friend’s boyfriend”?”
The hypocrisy in her statement makes Yoona want to hurl her plate of barely touched breakfast across the room. She holds back the cruel words, biting her lips so hard that it draws blood because she’s better than conceding speeches, better than Jessica and Donghae - the both of them. She can’t be weak if she wants to survive this.
“You guys broke up by then,” Yoona states shortly, dabbing the corner of her mouth with the napkin.
“Oh,” comes out like calm bitterness, “Okay, that’s a bit weird.”
Yoona blinks. “What’s weird?”
“Well, you and Changmin were never really close friends,” Jessica begins, munching down her cornflakes, “You must have gotten close really quickly.”
“Isn’t that with you and Donghae?” She questions quietly, afraid of showing the tiniest hint of jealously.
“Yeah,” Jessica averts her gaze and leans back in her chair, crossing her arms on her chest.
“Something like that.”
Yoona sweeps her hair off her forehead warily, knowing that the long awaited awkwardness has finally welcomes them. Jessica seems to have noticed it too and shifts her attention to the floorboard, tapping her foot against it to create some kind of noise to lessen the tension and failing.
“Filming starts in two hours,” Yoona murmurs, her voice subdued now, “I better start getting dressed, I’ll see you at dinner tonight.”
She supposes this might as well be the end of their growingly distant friendship, there’s not much regret in crossing the line of an enemy when one of them has already gone there.
-
“Jessica cheated on me with Donghae.” He states evenly, switching the television off and watches
as Kyuhyun’s face fall, horrified.
Changmin’s been holding it in, he had to tell someone and it might as well be his best friend.
“Man,” Kyuhyun moans, throwing his Xbox controller onto the floor with a loud ‘thud’, “I knew those two hiding something from me - always whispering behind my back and closing doors in my face.”
“So you didn’t know?” Changmin asks distractedly, stretching his limbs.
“No, dude, Donghae and Eunhyuk aren’t stupid, they know I’d tell you,” Kyuhyun shakes his head,
looking exasperated, “You sure you’re right though?”
He nods sternly. “Yeah, looking back now, I know it must have been going on for a while now.”
Kyuhyun grimaces for Changmin’s sake. “How did you figure it out?”
“There were the typical phone calls behind my back,” Changmin huffs a laugh, more reserved that he’d been yesterday, “She’d always be arguing with someone on a call, goes into a room and shuts the door - something about waiting.” He softens a little at this, his face becoming less contort, says, “At first I thought it was coincidental that Donghae broke it off with Yoona around the same time but it’s glaringly obvious to me now, Jessica, she -“
He can’t bring himself to finish his sentence and leaves it to Kyuhyun to do so. “She’s been cheating on you with Donghae.”
“Do you think my assumption is correct?” Changmin tries for a smile but it doesn’t feel right on her face. “Or perhaps, I am looking too deep into it.”
“No, I think you’re right, man,”Kyuhyun confirms, “Donghae’s been really…not Donghae-ish for the past couple of months, I didn’t think it would be about something like this.”
His jaw tightens. “And I didn’t suspect a thing -
“No one would have suspected anything, even if it was hitting them in the face,” he says quietly, looking more bothered than anything, “I wouldn’t know about Jessica but Donghae,” there’s a pause to catch his much needed breath, “Donghae’s crazy about Yoona, man, has been from the start! We all know that.”
Changmin looks at him for a moment, lips pursed, and decides, “He’s not crazy about her now and he wasn’t then either.”
And once again, he knows he’s right.
-
The set is busier than it’s been in weeks. Staffs are seemingly on time limit with less frequent coffee run, consequently less sleep and even less impressive scripts being handed in. Yoona prays her airing time will be longer than the last but as it goes, she keeps getting less and less the further they delve into the interesting part of the story line. However, she gets given more ridiculous outfit, too much skirts and too much blush.
The rating isn’t much to talk about, they’d hush when Yoona’s not around but she’ll counter the negativity with her optimism - at least she’s the lead.
They award her a twenty minutes break for her hard work and all she wants to do is take a nap, which sounds so stupidly simple but almost impossible to achieve with the level of noise. Yoona gives up when she’s still ahead and starts to nibble on her crackers, tasteless but she can’t afford to gain much more weight, so her manager says.
It’s only when the last five minutes start ticking that Tiffany comes through with a packed lunch box.
She rushes over, huffing and puffing and out of breath when she drops down the polka dot cloth wrapped box into Yoona’s lap then pulls her into a hug so tight, she suffocates.
“I’mreallyreallysorryaboutwhatIsaidaboutyouandchangmintheotherdayforgiveme”
Yoona laughs a little, awkwardly patting the red head on the back. “I - it’s okay, unni, I’m sorry too for the way I reacted.”
“No, it is not your fault!” Tiffany pouts, pulling away and does her classic mother pose, hands on hips. “Im Yoona, don’t you dare apologize for your unni’s mistake.”
“Okay, unni and thank you for the lunch box,” She says brightly, breaking into a grin, “You shouldn’t have come all the way here and wait until you see me later tonight.”
“I had to!” Tiffany says with a tragic gasp, lightly touching her shoulder, “As soon as I heard from Siwon oppa, I knew I had to come and see you.”
Yoona freezes. “What did you hear?”
“You know, right?” Tiffany asks in naïve casualness, peering into her pair of chocolate pools, “I called Jessica on my way here just to double check, she said you found out two nights ago.” The red head leans closer to give Yoona a glimpse of her questioning gaze, “You did know, right?”
“Oh yeah.” She says thinly, the word tight and hard.
Tiffany peers at her, furrowing her eyebrows like she always does when she’s concerned. “I know it must be hard when it’s only been weeks but Jess told me you have a thing for Changmin anyway.”
There’s a fond look blooming in the older girl’s eyes - the one that the romantic side of her brings out and Yoona barely manage to stiff her groan when Tiffany begins to tickle her sides, teasing her to no end with an odd English chant about love, Changmin and her.
Love? Her and Changmin? Somehow the thought makes her sadder than she already is.
-
It happens after dance practice, when Yunho’s dragging him down to the second floor for some outfit fitting, it sound too much like a female kind of activity to Changmin’s ears but he’s got no excuse this time so he lets Yunho nags him all the way to the elevator and down the hall.
Turns it’s not only Dong Bang Shin Ki that has a date with the company’s stylists.
Changmin hasn’t prepared himself for this, hasn’t even begin to imagine it but here he is, one foot stuck through the door with his heart and head pounding so hard, he can barely feel himself standing there, watching the rest of the room spins over at a bile worth speed along with Lee Donghae’s glowing form.
“Yunho, Changmin!” cuts through his trance like a knife, “You, jerks, where have you been?”
And it’s Boa, all sunshines and star dusts as she skips across the room before throwing herself at the two of them in a hug attack that’s lovely and warm, if anything.
“Ugh” Yunho grumbles, stumbling back along with Changmin and into the wall with a loud ‘smack’
“Can you try not to be so rough? I’m convinced you want to kill us, more than you miss us.”
“Don’t be such a baby,” Boa teases, shooting him a glare. “I don’t see Changmin complaining.”
Yunho scoffs. “That’s just cause he’s scared of you.”
“Hyung, really?”
“You’re such a piss head, Yunho,” The petite brunette jokes, shoving him playfully, “Changmin just misses his noona,” Boa switches to her baby voice and Changmin couldn’t help but grunts a little when the cheeks pinching starts, “Unlike Yunnie who doesn’t appreciate noona, right, Changmin?”
Yunho rolls his eyes and walks off to the rack of clothes. “How old are you even?”
“Six and a half” Boa hollers after him, chuckling to herself when Yunho just shakes his head at her comicalness.
Then before Changmin realizes it, Boa has turned all sharp eyes at him, predacious. “How are you holding up? I heard you got dumped.”
Changmin averts his gaze, feeling cornered under her one. “You’re really on top of these things.”
“Of course, I am,” Boa boasts smugly, “I am your senior after all and that is why, it is very,” she emphasizes the ‘very’ as she pinches him on the forearm, getting a surrendering ‘ow’ out of him, “Rude not to call me noona, how many times do I have to tell you to call me noona?”
“I’m fine,” Changmin replies through gritted teeth, “Thanks for asking, noona.”
“That’s better,” She tips her chin back and looks at him through down cast eyes, her poor attempt at seeming bigger than him, “Now noona’s gonna give you a good piece of advice so listen up.”
Changmin wants to tear his hair out but doesn’t get the chance to when Boa throws her arm over his shoulder, pulling him down to her level, says like she knows what she’s talking on, “Love…is hard. You’re going to find someone you actually like enough to put up with all their shits and well, that’s good - great but they might not like you back or they might think they can find someone more compatible or they might just straight up break your heart -“
At this point, he interjects, “So like Yunho and you?”
Fury burns through her and Changmin can’t help but burst into laughter when she throws a punch at his chest. “How many times do I have to tell you to not speak of that, you ungrateful giant? Why do you continue to disrespect your noo -“
“Boa!” An all too chipper voice calls her, Changmin doesn’t need to look to know whose it belongs to.
The older girl has her usual smile pointed at the figure so close yet so far from where they are.
“Donghae! What’s up?”
“Let’s go!” She announces in excitement, grabbing his arm and bringing him closer to what he’s been avoiding all along since he arrived here.
And when they’re standing face to face, Changmin takes every little details of Lee Donghae in for the first time since they’ve met, because he had never paid any attention to this man who’s waving frantically at them. They’ve only ever been a series of ‘hello’, ‘work hard’ and ‘congratulations!’ to one another.
Changmin had never taken his time to notice the dimples, his broad shoulders, the way kindness possess his eyes or the habit to bite his lips after every sentence spoken. Those are the fews of the many little things he didn’t notice along with the loss of his girlfriend.
“Hey,” he hears Donghae says faintly and tears his eyes away from the floor.
Changmin nods, response woodenly. “Um..yeah, hey.”
Donghae’s crooked smile moves over to move, asks softly, “Are you here for an outfit fitting as well?”
“Why else would we all be here?” Boa says, raises an imperious brow, “I’ve got better things to do than try on fifty wack outfits, I don’t know about you guys though.”
Donghae laughs at this, eyes crinkling and reaching over to ruffle the brunette’s hair to her dismay.
“Don’t be mean. I’m sure if it was up to us, we would be doing something much more fun, agree Changmin?”
Besides Boa, Changmin blinks. “Sorry, what were you saying?”
She looks at him almost as if she’s offended, swatting him on the shoulder. “So rude, you weren’t even listening.”
“Sorry, I’m a bit worn out.”
“It’s okay,” Donghae waves off without missing a beat, the same old expression of cheerfulness still firmly in place, “You’re always working so hard, sleep doesn’t really fit into the schedule, does it?”
They exchange a quick moment of faux politeness - Changmin nodding at what he has let enter one ear and out the other and Donghae with his pearly whites flashing back at Boa and him. Then suddenly, Boa’s chance at reviving an easy atmosphere is taken away from her when Donghae’s phone starts to sing a tune, instinct of a man as good natured as this one, he murmurs a small ‘excuse me’ as he pulls the device out of his pocket. The name is a bold print across his screen and almost instantly, his fists tighten around the material of his jeans and he knows this surge of sheer hatred is not going anywhere.
“I’m sorry, I have to take this,” He says uneasily, “I hope I see you both soon, it’s been too long.”
In contrary, Changmin hopes to not see him anytime soon, if ever.
-
(Sometimes Yoona looks back. When she was young enough to not feel so exhausted. When she was new to the company. When a pale girl with crooked teeth was her first friend. When her first love couldn’t go a night without hearing her voice and would call the home phone until her father tells him off. She looks back at those moments and wonders why the minute time ticks forward and years keeps going backward in her mind. Has she been living a day dream? Is her judgement on the run? All this time, has she been alone - alone because something's been stolen from her without her knowledge? Would it all hurt less if she can commit the same crime?)
She calls Donghae and hangs up.
Changmin calls her and she picks up.