I don't care, if you don't (1/?)
I don't care, if you don't (1/?)
~ 2500 w, pg-15, (yoona/changmin)
There’s frailness inside him that only few could see. Yoona see through it though - it was like the frailness inside of her.
a/n: *WARNING* very long written speech.
admittedly, I'm finding it scarely to post a fic again, most likely because I haven't posted anything at lj, here or my private account, in ages. I'm on holiday now and I'm really missing writing about my otp so ofc, I end up writing about yoona and changmin - I'm sure I've been irratating people with the overwhelming amount of yoona/changmin I write but I promise that the next time I post something here, it'll be about another pairing. But to all the changyoon shippers (yes, aoza, you lol), I dedicate this to you and making this ship the best ever! Well, I leave you with this fic for today, I hope you like it :)
p.s. the '?' (in this case) means that I'm not sure how many parts this would be or if there's even going to be another part.
The problem is she’s still the one at the end of the day.
At the end of a hallway, on the pages of his journal, in his heart - it’s still her. And that’s just the problem.
Changmin thinks he can stay standing here for an eternity and he’ll never learn how to feel differently.She’s not going anywhere (not in his heart and mind at least). This is worrying, but somewhat expected.
So he sighs, a long, hard, lonely, miserable sigh and took a step. Just like the first step of a new born, he imagines. It’s scary and full of hesitant but it’s necessary. He keeps on walking though, he doesn't know exactly where he’s heading but once he started, he can't stop.
Changmin finds himself laying his eyes on the ‘down’ button of an elevator; he presses it lightly and watched it lit up. His pathetic form is mocking him in the mirrors as he stepped in but somehow, he thinks this is only the beginning of the worst.
He hears the ‘ding’ and knew it was his cue to get out. Changmin almost laughs at how he needs to command his two feet to move. It’s as if the loss and the pain have numbed him to his very core.
“What are you doing here?” a little voice said and he thinks it’s his mind, telling him to go elsewhere, anywhere but here, “You’re not supposed to be here.”No, not supposed to be here, Changmin agreed.“Jessica won’t be happy about this.”
Even he can’t possibly delude himself to that extent.
There’s a one ninety something pounds, brown hair, brown eyed, pale face, pink cheeks girl staring at him in awe. She looks as if she came back from war, so tired and defeated, somewhat a reflection of his current state.
“Hey,” he pauses, “We broke up.”
“Hey,” she says and the next few words that came out of her mouth almost seems to have destroyed what’s left of her, “We broke up too.”
-
Yoona’s wearing a yellow coat, it’s thick with wool to keep you warm but she’s trembling on the inside, on the outside too.
They don’t say much, all they’ve said is ‘sorry’ and she wish they could say something else, anything that’s not ‘sorry’ because she’s done wallowing in self-pity. No, she shouldn’t be apologetic anymore, she was two weeks ago, she was four months ago but now all there’s left is anger and hate and pain.
“I knew,” she begins, her breathing uneven. “I saw it coming, I could see it in his eyes that he was going to leave me.”
He gazes at her but there’s no ‘sorry’ this time, “What made you stay?”
“Because he’s something like home,” she says, her throat feeling dry. “It felt right to go back so I kept returning even though the door kept on closing on me.”
Changmin meets Yoona’s eyes and nod, unfamiliar understanding shared in their expressions. Changmin looks down at his feet and says with such calmness that it shakes her, “You love him.”
“And you love her.”
He shrugs.
“It doesn’t matter much,” he says. “We’re still here, aren’t we?”
Yoona sighs, “Do you think she’ll change her mind?”
“Yeah,” Changmin replies, the confidence in his voice clear. “You think Donghae will ever love you like he used to again?”
Somehow, she knows, at the back of her mind, in the pit of her stomach - Yooona knows. It’s all sinking in now, suddenly she feels a silent scream emerging in her throat but instead of a deafening sound of heartbreak, it’s a simple, “No”
The light turns to dark, it was there cue to leave and so they do.
-
They get to his dorm when the sun rises, Changmin makes tea and they sit at opposite ends of the couch as they drink it.
“We have twelve days.”
“To do what?”
“Pull ourselves together.”
It’s easier said than done, he could almost hear himself say. Changmin can say it as many time as he wants but he can feel the ache in his very bone and he will wonder how he’ll get through the ten days, no, Changmin wonders how he’ll get through this whole day.
Yoona puts down her cup of tea and turns her attention to the morning sky, “I’ll be okay someday but just not now, not in ten days.”
Changmin doesn’t think he’ll be fine, ever, not in ten days and not in eternity.
-
It starts to rain in the afternoon, he brings out a guitar and plays some song she doesn’t know the name of but it sounds nostalgic to the ears and the lyrics are oddly familiar to the lips, she whispers along to his singing. Her knees are pulled up to her chest, her chin resting on it as Yoona lets the words pour out of her mouth.
“I like the sound of the rain tapping against the window,” she says, her fingertip pressing against the cool glass. “Especially at night when there’s so one and I’m feeling lonely, it calms me down, send me to sleep.”
He smiles a bittersweet smile, the one reserved for the thought of her, “It makes me feel even lonelier, like how I do right now.”
Yoona has, very purposefully, not given much, if any, thought to Donghae for the past few hours. Part of her furious that he gave up on her - on them, another part afraid of what the thought of him will do to her.
She finds out now.
“You’re crying”
“Just play the damn song, Changmin, play it again.”
-
She sits on his couch, legs folded and box of Indian take outs on her lap
Changmin sits on the floor - on the rug, spoonful of curry in his mouth and his eyes on the television screen.
“What’s so bad about Indian food anyway?” Yoona asks, it sounds like a complaint and not a question. “It’s perfectly reasonable to have something warm and spicy on a cold night.”
He sighs and turns the volume up. It’s too late either way; he completely missed what Vincent’s been saying to Mia. Another sigh, it took him to feel like answering, “It’s the smell - that’s what she told me anyway.”
There’s a look of contemplation that cross her face as she replies, “He was never a fan of spicy food.”
They’re quiet now - just like Vincent and Mia, he’s taking a drag of his cig, she’s gazing at him with a stern look, half smiling with a cherry between her lips, her teeth sinking in once in a while. It’s the beginning of a momentary yet unforgettable acquaintance.
“Don't you hate that?” Mia says.
Vincent looks lost, “What?”
“Uncomfortable silences,” she answers almost mournfully. “Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?”
“I don't know,” he’s honest and shakes his head as he says. “That's a good question.”
“That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.”
They don’t share another word throughout the whole movie.
bsently, Changmin thinks that the muted conversation is nice.
-
Yoona swims up to wakefulness slowly. One eye open, rubbing the other with the heel of her hand. The movie is long finished and they've returned to the disc menu. The theme music becomes the soundtrack of her night, she wonders how many time it’s played and when did she drift into dream land.
Changmin is still sitting on the floor with his head resting on her legs, lolling to one side. She mistaken him for Donghae and decides she will sleep better that way.
The dark welcomes her almost as quickly as the light did.
-
It's a few days later that Yoona wakes him up with the smell of coffee and a mutter, “No sugar, just the way you like iy.”
Changmin groans, falling back against the pillows. “What day is this?”
“Tuesday,” she replies shortly, sitting down on the space left on the couch and hands him the mug. “My skill is still pretty rough but it’s better than nothing.”
He nods and took a small sip. She’s right, her skill is horrible and so is the coffee.
Yonna shifts closer and casually drape her legs over his. Her skin is cold against his warm one, he stifles a moan as he reaches for the abandon blanket on the hard wood floor, clearly one isn’t enough for both of them.
“Thanks” he hears her mumble before snatching it from his hold. “Oh, by the way, I washed all the dishes last night.”
Changmin opens his eyes and meet hers, “You slept over?”
The morning news is on, Yoona starts flipping through the channeel endlessly then say, "You've been asking me that for the past five days."
-
They go out, just the two of them. It’s the first for both of them since that unholy night.
The tenor of the city changes with Changmin there. It’s no longer the Yoona and Donghae show, the sweetness of the atmosphere she’s so used to has dissipated. Changmin is here and he’s new and odd but so real.
They sit on the opposite side of a café table with books in hand.
“I’m done reading this one,” he yawns. “Trade?”
And it’s the first time in a long time that Yoona feels alright.
-
Changmin finds the gap between Yoona’s presence and her absence to compose a Jessica serenade to bring her back to his side
He remembers how much they fought - in the night, in the morning, on the phone, infront of their friends. It ate away at him, how easily she could just walk away, as if she was blocking him out of her world. Changmin remembers in his anger state, he would ponder over the thought of what it would be like if they parted ways - would he be happier? Would he be less worn out?
Only now that Yoona’s at the grocery and he’s standing out in the cold does Changmin realize a cruel Jessica is better than no Jessica at all.
-
There’s one early morning, she remembers, when she was unable find her phone and her hands were trembling so much from the desire to hear his voice. Yoona remembers walking into the kitchen, leaning against the bar stool with his back to her, the smell of alcohol is strong. And for that brief moment, he was weak and she was strong.
“She said she didn’t love me anymore,” he said but it only came out as a whisper. “How could someone wake up one day and fall out of love? How is it easy for her? But hard for me?”
She remembers holding him in her arms.
There’s frailness inside him that only few could see. Yoona see through it though - it was like the frailness inside of her.
-
The connection between Yoona and Changmin has finally blossom into understanding and comfort.
In the morning of every passing day, she would wake early and make him coffee, still bad but getting better each time. In the afternoon, they would sneak around places and exchange books. In the evening, she’d be collecting new change of clothing from her dorm and he’d be waiting on the couch with a movie prepared. And in the night time, they’d fall asleep side by side. It starts all over again the next day and it goes.
“Jasmine,” she yells from the bathroom. “And don -“
He rolls his eyes and finishes her sentence, “Don’t leave the tea bag in there.”
“Glad, you’re getting used to me."
-
When it happened, when they fall onto the couch with his lips on hers and her on top of him, Yoona can’t say she was all too surprised.The pain, the loneliness, the sadness - combined is unbearable and it consumes every bit of them. He needs someone to yield the pain and she needs someone, anyone to absorb even just a trace her anger.
She bit her lips and he grips his hair.
Yoona has no recollection of who leant in for the kiss but it happened and they’re here now, all teeth and fighting and shoving, and it’s rough and messy.
There’s no going back from this moment on wards.
-
“Hey” she greets.
“Hey” he echoes.
“I can’t find my shirt,” she pauses. “Or yours.”
He nods, “I’ll make the coffee today.”
-
It’s a cycle of coffee and fucking, espresso in mid-afternoon, kissing into the night and asleep by morning then tea where they’d have open-ended conversations for a few hours, repeat.
“How many days?” she asks, rolling over.
“Three left” he manage to say between pants.
Yoona sighs, her head on his shoulder, “Regretting it?”
“Not now,” Changmin replies. “Maybe later.”
He kisses her and they’re at lost.
-
Whoever said saying goodbye isn’t easy is wrong, utterly, wrong.
It’s just as simple as saying ‘good morning’ or ‘good night’. The word ‘good’ is within those words itself, so how can it be bad? Changmin considers it and he thinks it’s easy to say goodbye to those who you share an understanding with, a look of kindness, an embrace of comfort. Maybe that’s why it’s a simple thing to be watching her button up her jacket outside his door and maybe that’s why it brings him so much pain when it comes to Jessica and her never ending farewells.
Yoona gives him a small smile - a question of some sort, (are you going to be okay?, can you be by yourself?)
“Here,” Changmin hands her the last cup of coffee he’ll ever make for her, this saddens him a little, “Two teaspoon of sugar, just the way you like it.”
It’s a great big smile this time, along with a great big laugh. She chuckles a little, her arms wide open and he walks right into it.
Changmin stands still, leaning against the door frame, silently watching her boots leaving a long trail of footprints, her knitted scarf dragging along the snow, the red flush of her cheeks, the yellow coat with its blue buttons.
He whispers ‘I will miss you’ to thin air, figures it’s safe to say as long as it’s for his ears only.
~ 2500 w, pg-15, (yoona/changmin)
There’s frailness inside him that only few could see. Yoona see through it though - it was like the frailness inside of her.
a/n: *WARNING* very long written speech.
admittedly, I'm finding it scarely to post a fic again, most likely because I haven't posted anything at lj, here or my private account, in ages. I'm on holiday now and I'm really missing writing about my otp so ofc, I end up writing about yoona and changmin - I'm sure I've been irratating people with the overwhelming amount of yoona/changmin I write but I promise that the next time I post something here, it'll be about another pairing. But to all the changyoon shippers (yes, aoza, you lol), I dedicate this to you and making this ship the best ever! Well, I leave you with this fic for today, I hope you like it :)
p.s. the '?' (in this case) means that I'm not sure how many parts this would be or if there's even going to be another part.
The problem is she’s still the one at the end of the day.
At the end of a hallway, on the pages of his journal, in his heart - it’s still her. And that’s just the problem.
Changmin thinks he can stay standing here for an eternity and he’ll never learn how to feel differently.She’s not going anywhere (not in his heart and mind at least). This is worrying, but somewhat expected.
So he sighs, a long, hard, lonely, miserable sigh and took a step. Just like the first step of a new born, he imagines. It’s scary and full of hesitant but it’s necessary. He keeps on walking though, he doesn't know exactly where he’s heading but once he started, he can't stop.
Changmin finds himself laying his eyes on the ‘down’ button of an elevator; he presses it lightly and watched it lit up. His pathetic form is mocking him in the mirrors as he stepped in but somehow, he thinks this is only the beginning of the worst.
He hears the ‘ding’ and knew it was his cue to get out. Changmin almost laughs at how he needs to command his two feet to move. It’s as if the loss and the pain have numbed him to his very core.
“What are you doing here?” a little voice said and he thinks it’s his mind, telling him to go elsewhere, anywhere but here, “You’re not supposed to be here.”No, not supposed to be here, Changmin agreed.“Jessica won’t be happy about this.”
Even he can’t possibly delude himself to that extent.
There’s a one ninety something pounds, brown hair, brown eyed, pale face, pink cheeks girl staring at him in awe. She looks as if she came back from war, so tired and defeated, somewhat a reflection of his current state.
“Hey,” he pauses, “We broke up.”
“Hey,” she says and the next few words that came out of her mouth almost seems to have destroyed what’s left of her, “We broke up too.”
-
Yoona’s wearing a yellow coat, it’s thick with wool to keep you warm but she’s trembling on the inside, on the outside too.
They don’t say much, all they’ve said is ‘sorry’ and she wish they could say something else, anything that’s not ‘sorry’ because she’s done wallowing in self-pity. No, she shouldn’t be apologetic anymore, she was two weeks ago, she was four months ago but now all there’s left is anger and hate and pain.
“I knew,” she begins, her breathing uneven. “I saw it coming, I could see it in his eyes that he was going to leave me.”
He gazes at her but there’s no ‘sorry’ this time, “What made you stay?”
“Because he’s something like home,” she says, her throat feeling dry. “It felt right to go back so I kept returning even though the door kept on closing on me.”
Changmin meets Yoona’s eyes and nod, unfamiliar understanding shared in their expressions. Changmin looks down at his feet and says with such calmness that it shakes her, “You love him.”
“And you love her.”
He shrugs.
“It doesn’t matter much,” he says. “We’re still here, aren’t we?”
Yoona sighs, “Do you think she’ll change her mind?”
“Yeah,” Changmin replies, the confidence in his voice clear. “You think Donghae will ever love you like he used to again?”
Somehow, she knows, at the back of her mind, in the pit of her stomach - Yooona knows. It’s all sinking in now, suddenly she feels a silent scream emerging in her throat but instead of a deafening sound of heartbreak, it’s a simple, “No”
The light turns to dark, it was there cue to leave and so they do.
-
They get to his dorm when the sun rises, Changmin makes tea and they sit at opposite ends of the couch as they drink it.
“We have twelve days.”
“To do what?”
“Pull ourselves together.”
It’s easier said than done, he could almost hear himself say. Changmin can say it as many time as he wants but he can feel the ache in his very bone and he will wonder how he’ll get through the ten days, no, Changmin wonders how he’ll get through this whole day.
Yoona puts down her cup of tea and turns her attention to the morning sky, “I’ll be okay someday but just not now, not in ten days.”
Changmin doesn’t think he’ll be fine, ever, not in ten days and not in eternity.
-
It starts to rain in the afternoon, he brings out a guitar and plays some song she doesn’t know the name of but it sounds nostalgic to the ears and the lyrics are oddly familiar to the lips, she whispers along to his singing. Her knees are pulled up to her chest, her chin resting on it as Yoona lets the words pour out of her mouth.
“I like the sound of the rain tapping against the window,” she says, her fingertip pressing against the cool glass. “Especially at night when there’s so one and I’m feeling lonely, it calms me down, send me to sleep.”
He smiles a bittersweet smile, the one reserved for the thought of her, “It makes me feel even lonelier, like how I do right now.”
Yoona has, very purposefully, not given much, if any, thought to Donghae for the past few hours. Part of her furious that he gave up on her - on them, another part afraid of what the thought of him will do to her.
She finds out now.
“You’re crying”
“Just play the damn song, Changmin, play it again.”
-
She sits on his couch, legs folded and box of Indian take outs on her lap
Changmin sits on the floor - on the rug, spoonful of curry in his mouth and his eyes on the television screen.
“What’s so bad about Indian food anyway?” Yoona asks, it sounds like a complaint and not a question. “It’s perfectly reasonable to have something warm and spicy on a cold night.”
He sighs and turns the volume up. It’s too late either way; he completely missed what Vincent’s been saying to Mia. Another sigh, it took him to feel like answering, “It’s the smell - that’s what she told me anyway.”
There’s a look of contemplation that cross her face as she replies, “He was never a fan of spicy food.”
They’re quiet now - just like Vincent and Mia, he’s taking a drag of his cig, she’s gazing at him with a stern look, half smiling with a cherry between her lips, her teeth sinking in once in a while. It’s the beginning of a momentary yet unforgettable acquaintance.
“Don't you hate that?” Mia says.
Vincent looks lost, “What?”
“Uncomfortable silences,” she answers almost mournfully. “Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?”
“I don't know,” he’s honest and shakes his head as he says. “That's a good question.”
“That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.”
They don’t share another word throughout the whole movie.
bsently, Changmin thinks that the muted conversation is nice.
-
Yoona swims up to wakefulness slowly. One eye open, rubbing the other with the heel of her hand. The movie is long finished and they've returned to the disc menu. The theme music becomes the soundtrack of her night, she wonders how many time it’s played and when did she drift into dream land.
Changmin is still sitting on the floor with his head resting on her legs, lolling to one side. She mistaken him for Donghae and decides she will sleep better that way.
The dark welcomes her almost as quickly as the light did.
-
It's a few days later that Yoona wakes him up with the smell of coffee and a mutter, “No sugar, just the way you like iy.”
Changmin groans, falling back against the pillows. “What day is this?”
“Tuesday,” she replies shortly, sitting down on the space left on the couch and hands him the mug. “My skill is still pretty rough but it’s better than nothing.”
He nods and took a small sip. She’s right, her skill is horrible and so is the coffee.
Yonna shifts closer and casually drape her legs over his. Her skin is cold against his warm one, he stifles a moan as he reaches for the abandon blanket on the hard wood floor, clearly one isn’t enough for both of them.
“Thanks” he hears her mumble before snatching it from his hold. “Oh, by the way, I washed all the dishes last night.”
Changmin opens his eyes and meet hers, “You slept over?”
The morning news is on, Yoona starts flipping through the channeel endlessly then say, "You've been asking me that for the past five days."
-
They go out, just the two of them. It’s the first for both of them since that unholy night.
The tenor of the city changes with Changmin there. It’s no longer the Yoona and Donghae show, the sweetness of the atmosphere she’s so used to has dissipated. Changmin is here and he’s new and odd but so real.
They sit on the opposite side of a café table with books in hand.
“I’m done reading this one,” he yawns. “Trade?”
And it’s the first time in a long time that Yoona feels alright.
-
Changmin finds the gap between Yoona’s presence and her absence to compose a Jessica serenade to bring her back to his side
He remembers how much they fought - in the night, in the morning, on the phone, infront of their friends. It ate away at him, how easily she could just walk away, as if she was blocking him out of her world. Changmin remembers in his anger state, he would ponder over the thought of what it would be like if they parted ways - would he be happier? Would he be less worn out?
Only now that Yoona’s at the grocery and he’s standing out in the cold does Changmin realize a cruel Jessica is better than no Jessica at all.
-
There’s one early morning, she remembers, when she was unable find her phone and her hands were trembling so much from the desire to hear his voice. Yoona remembers walking into the kitchen, leaning against the bar stool with his back to her, the smell of alcohol is strong. And for that brief moment, he was weak and she was strong.
“She said she didn’t love me anymore,” he said but it only came out as a whisper. “How could someone wake up one day and fall out of love? How is it easy for her? But hard for me?”
She remembers holding him in her arms.
There’s frailness inside him that only few could see. Yoona see through it though - it was like the frailness inside of her.
-
The connection between Yoona and Changmin has finally blossom into understanding and comfort.
In the morning of every passing day, she would wake early and make him coffee, still bad but getting better each time. In the afternoon, they would sneak around places and exchange books. In the evening, she’d be collecting new change of clothing from her dorm and he’d be waiting on the couch with a movie prepared. And in the night time, they’d fall asleep side by side. It starts all over again the next day and it goes.
“Jasmine,” she yells from the bathroom. “And don -“
He rolls his eyes and finishes her sentence, “Don’t leave the tea bag in there.”
“Glad, you’re getting used to me."
-
When it happened, when they fall onto the couch with his lips on hers and her on top of him, Yoona can’t say she was all too surprised.The pain, the loneliness, the sadness - combined is unbearable and it consumes every bit of them. He needs someone to yield the pain and she needs someone, anyone to absorb even just a trace her anger.
She bit her lips and he grips his hair.
Yoona has no recollection of who leant in for the kiss but it happened and they’re here now, all teeth and fighting and shoving, and it’s rough and messy.
There’s no going back from this moment on wards.
-
“Hey” she greets.
“Hey” he echoes.
“I can’t find my shirt,” she pauses. “Or yours.”
He nods, “I’ll make the coffee today.”
-
It’s a cycle of coffee and fucking, espresso in mid-afternoon, kissing into the night and asleep by morning then tea where they’d have open-ended conversations for a few hours, repeat.
“How many days?” she asks, rolling over.
“Three left” he manage to say between pants.
Yoona sighs, her head on his shoulder, “Regretting it?”
“Not now,” Changmin replies. “Maybe later.”
He kisses her and they’re at lost.
-
Whoever said saying goodbye isn’t easy is wrong, utterly, wrong.
It’s just as simple as saying ‘good morning’ or ‘good night’. The word ‘good’ is within those words itself, so how can it be bad? Changmin considers it and he thinks it’s easy to say goodbye to those who you share an understanding with, a look of kindness, an embrace of comfort. Maybe that’s why it’s a simple thing to be watching her button up her jacket outside his door and maybe that’s why it brings him so much pain when it comes to Jessica and her never ending farewells.
Yoona gives him a small smile - a question of some sort, (are you going to be okay?, can you be by yourself?)
“Here,” Changmin hands her the last cup of coffee he’ll ever make for her, this saddens him a little, “Two teaspoon of sugar, just the way you like it.”
It’s a great big smile this time, along with a great big laugh. She chuckles a little, her arms wide open and he walks right into it.
Changmin stands still, leaning against the door frame, silently watching her boots leaving a long trail of footprints, her knitted scarf dragging along the snow, the red flush of her cheeks, the yellow coat with its blue buttons.
He whispers ‘I will miss you’ to thin air, figures it’s safe to say as long as it’s for his ears only.