I don't care, if you don't (4/?)
I don't care, if you don't (4/?)
~ 2,700 w, pg, (changmin/yoona) par i / ii/ iii.
Changmin feels like waking up for the first time.
■ sorry this took so long to update, I've been really busy! I will be updating color schemes next.
■ also I promise the next update of this story will be more interesting and fast pace.
There is a part of Yoona that always seek the respect of others around her. Supposed she was born with it, maybe it’s a gift that keeps her morally grounded and maybe it’s a curse that zaps her from time to time, for instance, like right this moment, where Tiffany’s question of whether she slept with Shim Changmin is the judge to the loss of her respect.
“Yes”
Is the truth that Yoona finds herself unashamed of.
Yoona knows her ability to read people is as shameful as her ability to lie so she stares at Tiffany in a fidgety awkwardness that drips over her guilt ridden complexion. She makes guesses as she waits for any kind of response from her closest friend - How could you be so low? And to your very own unni, Jessica? She’s practically your sister is probably swirling around in Tiffany’s mind and if it was anyone else in her position, even if it was Tiffany, Yoona would be thinking the same thing too.
“Ok” Tiffany says plainly, nodding once and uncrossing her legs to stand up. “Ok” She repeats, her gaze that’s on the cold, wooden floor, remains void of any emotion.
Tiffany’s calmness is what scares Yoona most. In the past, the older girl has anything but calm, when she’s angry - she yells until her throat gives out and when she’s happy, she smile until it hurts. In a situation such as this one, Yoona would expect anything but calmness. Then Tiffany moves in long strides, startling Yoona when she brushes past her to the coat hanger and grabs a jacket closest to her reach.
“What are you doing?” Yoona manages to spit out.
Tiffany turns, looking at her as if she’s a complete fool. “To see Changmin. What else?”
Stunned, she asks, “But w-why?”
“To tell him that I know of this,” she replies, waving her hand in the air, looking too repulsed to even try and explain the knowledge she now holds. “So there won’t be a repeat of what happened between you two.”
“Unnie...I…” Yoona starts nervously, unsure of how to tell Tiffany something that would surely earn her even more complication.
Tiffany retrieves the dorm’s keys from the pocket of Seohyun’s wool cardigan, her hand digging through the contents within it. Then she stopped and asks in a deadly voice,“This isn’t the first time, isn’t it?”
When Tiffany looks at her again, there’s a glint in her eyes that says she doesn’t need Yoona to answer, she already knows. Then there it is, what Yoona had been expecting all along, Tiffany lunging at her with full force and sends Yoona crashing onto the couch.
“You’ve got to end it.” Tiffany says with finality, stabbing at Yoona’s chest with her index finger.
“You’re like a sister to me, Yoona, I love you like one and it’s because I love you that I’m telling you that whatever is happening between you and Changmin won’t do anything but bring you trouble.” She takes a shaky breath, her eyes closing for a short second before she continues, “Sleeping with
Changmin won’t help you get ove -“
Yoona doesn’t want to hear, doesn’t need to; she knows just what the next few words coming from Tiffany will be. Something boils inside her, an unidentified surge of emotion threatening to rip open her flesh and escapes from her very bones.
“Please, shut up.” She whispers with a hard edge in her voice, her fists clenching and undoubtedly leaving behind nail marks. “Not everything’s about Jessica.”
It startles Yoona when guilt starts pouring into her cold, stricken body when she sees the shock in Tiffany’s demeanour, the way her shoulder curls, the lowering of the chin, the twitching of her opened mouth. Knowing that there is nothing left to be said for the night, she rises and moves towards the direction of her room, never once does she look back at Tiffany and it’s because she doesn’t want to witness anymore accusation for the day.
Once her body hits the bed, Yoona discovers there is no feeling of regret coursing through her conscience like anticipated - there is an unexplainable feeling of sweet relief.
-
Changmin tries to convince himself he’s not avoiding but in truth, he is, he’s avoiding everyone -
Donghae, Tiffany, Jessica, Yoona. Especially Yoona.
He feels Yoona avoiding him too. The frequent ‘quarter of a second glance’ from across the room proves his instinct right and not to mention, the never ending run ins that takes his everything to keep him from running the other way like a scared little boy.
Changmin understands if she thinks it’s a mistake, sleeping with him (two times) and he’s fine with that. It’s the tension that ticks him - how he could almost taste that pure, sickness she feels when their eyes meet - like it was such an idiotic thing for her to have done, sleeping with him. This leaves him in an unfamiliar territory of a cross road, right or wrong - no, rather, okay or not okay.
He rolls over onto his stomach and groan; he can smell her on every inch of his sheet, his bed. Should have listened to Yunho’s nagging and done some washing, Changmin thinks to himself whilst hoisting himself off the mattress. He throws on the first flannel he could find, noticing the crack between his door - catching a glimpse of the black pumps, black denim jeans. No. Fuck. No. It couldn’t be.
The door creaks open before he could even reach for the knob. “Took you long enough to wake up.”
And it feels like waking up for the first time.
Here she is, standing at his bedroom door with her cat eye sunglasses masking half of her face - not her bitter frown though. He feels his heart swell at the sight of his ex-lover, something he’s been trying to rid himself of for the past week and of course, fails to find any success with. Yet an optimistic part of him coos his wildest dreams, filling his head with all sorts of lies like this is the moment, that moment she comes back to retrieve him and realize years of years that his love and loyalty was worth something.
“I came here to get the clothes I’ve left laying around your room.”
Yes, a man could only dream.
“Go for it.” He says plainly, his voice void of any emotion and steps away from the door. “I’m going to go get myself some breakfast.”
“Good.” Her reply stern as she uncrosses her arms. “I’ll be gone before you get back.”
“I know.”
-
Yeonhee once gave her a powerful piece of advice: In order to distract yourself from pain, you must find yourself something less painful to do. There couldn’t be a better time to put this to test so Yoona isolates herself from everything that’s been swirling around in her head and dance - she falls plenty of time, her legs are bruising and she can barely feel her body when she moves but she keeps going anyway because it’s easier than a confrontation with Tiffany or trying to think up a way to win back the heart of a man who threw hers away.
All she can think about when she repeats the same old steps to the same old song is how good she can be, she can even be great if she tries a little harder, if she becomes a little stronger and by the time that the next concert comes, she will be.
Clap.
Clap.
Clap.
It was slow, sarcastic and mocking her to her very last strained muscle. So she swivels around but with a smile, instead of a scowl that she wants to give because she’s always up for criticism, there’s always room for improvement but at that moment when she is met with smile that toys with her conscience, it all comes crashing down and Yoona finds herself back to the square one of Changmin and Tiffany and everything that she’s been cowering from
“You’re practicing especially hard today,” Jessica compliments but not sounding far from friendly, “I should take you as an example and do the same.”
Yoona shakes her head, turning away from the blonde to avoid her faltering smile. “No, no, I’ve just been so behind.”
Jessica, who’s been half-hiding behind the doorway until now, steps into the room, carrying a cardboard box stuffed fool of jumpers, some worn out sneakers, summer dresses and clothing that looks too outdated for Jessica to even consider wearing. Yoona watches the older girl set the box down on the floorboard through the reflection of the mirrors, flinching at very click of her heels and she muses for a second over when it was that Jessica became so intimidating.
“I had to stop by at Changmin’s dorm today to get all this old stuff,” She explains, speaking about the matter without much nostalgia or care, “I should throw most of these away but there are some scarfs and dresses I think Krystal might like.”
Yoona glazes over the contents for a long minute. “I think she might like that monogram scarf, it’s nice.”
“Maybe,” Jessica shrugs, taking a quick glance at it, “Anyway, I haven’t got the chance to check up on how you’ve been coping with the breakup and everything, so how are you?”
Yoona chuckles a little at her statement. “Jessica, I should be asking you the same, you and Changmin did breaku -“
“Yeah,” Jessica icily cuts her sentence short, “But it’s different - I dumped him, not the other way around.”
And Yoona knows just what Jessica is trying to say, intentionally or not, she couldn’t be sure but she sucks it up and ignores the blaring red that’s going off in her head in anyway. She couldn’t pretend it isn’t what is - Donghae ended things with her and not the other way around, it rings true yet it makes a part of her churns such distress that her insides physically hurts but here she is, accepting it to Jessica because she has left her no choice but to.
“I’m trying to be okay.”
Jessica blinks at her a couple of time before bending over to pick up her box full of clothes. She walks over to her then stiffly pats her on the back, there is no connection and it leaves Yoona feeling even colder than before.
“You’ll be fine in a couple of days.”
It’s because Jessica has never been one to lie that Yoona believes her, even if it was just for a second.
-
They send him on some talk show without telling him he needs to talk.
So when they ask him about his love life, he sits there - stumps with no answer while the host tries to cover the unintended silence with some humorous babble. Changmin wants to tell a good story, a memory the viewers will pin after in the romantic department but then he couldn’t conjure up any now that he has looked back, really looked back.
They say at the very least, you will have always something beautiful to remember lost love by but now all he thinks about when he thinks of Jessica is the raging anger spreading through him like wild fire that will be ceased to destroy everything in its path.
Changmin thinks he knows now.
-
Yoona contemplates calling Changmin on her way back to the dorm. She tries to come up with an excuse that will allow her to speak to him but she just ends up pacing the corridor with one hand gripping her phone, arm sticking out and holding it away from her body like its some lethal weapon.
She can’t say she’s been avoiding him but she can’t say she hasn’t been doing just that either.
Changmin saw her this morning when he was on his way out and she was on her way in the elevator, he looked like he had a few things to say to her and her, not wanting to hear any of it, took the stairs instead. He didn’t seem to have taken a hint and tried again when they both ended up in the parking lot some time yesterday and she, grabbed Sehyun and hopped into the van without even stopping to think. Had she been rude? She considers this for the next two day and the paranoia within her is starting to reach its boiling point
“I can’t just spring it onto her out of the blue!”
This was coming somewhere from the stage rehearsal room and the owner of the voice is one that’s been missing from all schedules for the past few day, Jessica. Yoona considers leaving to another floor, not wanting to eavesdrop on whatever the conversation is about but found her feet glued to the marble floor when another voice she so longed to hear joined her band mate’s.
“No, of course, not. I’m not asking you to, I just - I don’t want to keep this a secret, I want to let
everyone know that it’s you and me, like it should have always been.”
“I know but I still think it’s too fast to tell them.”
Tell who what? The inner voice sounds so real in her head, almost as if she really expresses her
inquiry out loud. She hasn’t but she is about to.
During this period of time, there are so many convoluted feelings at war that Yoona is unsuccessful at recgonizing the destroyed state she is in. She doesn’t take in that the air isn’t reaching her lung or her visions are so blur she can barely make out her surroundings or that she’s holding onto the columns on the wall to steady her steps as she walks towards a room, so big and black and dooming that it might as well be a black hole. Yoona is fighting her body, her instinct that is holding her prisoner from meeting half way with reality because the consequence might cripple the very last glimpse of hope to recovery she has left in her.
And finally, when she is standing there with her legs quaking against the door, a cry leaves her lips, the one she has bitten to shred to keep herself from outing herself to the two people locked in an embrace - a couple, made up of a man she loves and a woman she wants to trusts, the ones she had been praying isn’t.
“Yoo - Yoona, jesus, how long have you been standing there for?”
She wants to throw herself at Donghae, claws at his chest until it bleeds open to see if there was ever anything there in the first place. She wants to scream, to scream at him for choosing Jessica over her when she shouldn’t have been an option in the first place because they were friends and friends don’t do this - they don’t give a helping hand in your demise and watch you fall so far down from grace. She wants to do something, anything but cry and be so helpless - feel so incompetent and useless. Yet there is nothing to do but just that.
“We can explain”
At that, Yoona feels herself retreating into the walls. She senses the bile reaching her throat and it should, this is sick, just like how all the lies they are about to wrap her in are. Jessica hooks a finger into Donghae’s sleeves, stopping him from coming any closer and watches Yoona with sympathy - not sadness for the lost of friendship nor guilt for ripping apart what she cherished, just simple, hard, revolting, pity.
She couldn’t stand it anymore.
Finally, “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“W - what do you mean?” Donghae asks, his eyes softening all of the sudden.
Yoona feigns a laugh, one so sweet it would hide how much she’s loss in a night. “It doesn’t matter anymore because - because, I’m over you, Donghae.”
“Oh,” Jessica grunts, unconvinced, “Who is it, Yoona? Do tell us.”
“It’s....it’s Changmin.”
~ 2,700 w, pg, (changmin/yoona) par i / ii/ iii.
Changmin feels like waking up for the first time.
■ sorry this took so long to update, I've been really busy! I will be updating color schemes next.
■ also I promise the next update of this story will be more interesting and fast pace.
There is a part of Yoona that always seek the respect of others around her. Supposed she was born with it, maybe it’s a gift that keeps her morally grounded and maybe it’s a curse that zaps her from time to time, for instance, like right this moment, where Tiffany’s question of whether she slept with Shim Changmin is the judge to the loss of her respect.
“Yes”
Is the truth that Yoona finds herself unashamed of.
Yoona knows her ability to read people is as shameful as her ability to lie so she stares at Tiffany in a fidgety awkwardness that drips over her guilt ridden complexion. She makes guesses as she waits for any kind of response from her closest friend - How could you be so low? And to your very own unni, Jessica? She’s practically your sister is probably swirling around in Tiffany’s mind and if it was anyone else in her position, even if it was Tiffany, Yoona would be thinking the same thing too.
“Ok” Tiffany says plainly, nodding once and uncrossing her legs to stand up. “Ok” She repeats, her gaze that’s on the cold, wooden floor, remains void of any emotion.
Tiffany’s calmness is what scares Yoona most. In the past, the older girl has anything but calm, when she’s angry - she yells until her throat gives out and when she’s happy, she smile until it hurts. In a situation such as this one, Yoona would expect anything but calmness. Then Tiffany moves in long strides, startling Yoona when she brushes past her to the coat hanger and grabs a jacket closest to her reach.
“What are you doing?” Yoona manages to spit out.
Tiffany turns, looking at her as if she’s a complete fool. “To see Changmin. What else?”
Stunned, she asks, “But w-why?”
“To tell him that I know of this,” she replies, waving her hand in the air, looking too repulsed to even try and explain the knowledge she now holds. “So there won’t be a repeat of what happened between you two.”
“Unnie...I…” Yoona starts nervously, unsure of how to tell Tiffany something that would surely earn her even more complication.
Tiffany retrieves the dorm’s keys from the pocket of Seohyun’s wool cardigan, her hand digging through the contents within it. Then she stopped and asks in a deadly voice,“This isn’t the first time, isn’t it?”
When Tiffany looks at her again, there’s a glint in her eyes that says she doesn’t need Yoona to answer, she already knows. Then there it is, what Yoona had been expecting all along, Tiffany lunging at her with full force and sends Yoona crashing onto the couch.
“You’ve got to end it.” Tiffany says with finality, stabbing at Yoona’s chest with her index finger.
“You’re like a sister to me, Yoona, I love you like one and it’s because I love you that I’m telling you that whatever is happening between you and Changmin won’t do anything but bring you trouble.” She takes a shaky breath, her eyes closing for a short second before she continues, “Sleeping with
Changmin won’t help you get ove -“
Yoona doesn’t want to hear, doesn’t need to; she knows just what the next few words coming from Tiffany will be. Something boils inside her, an unidentified surge of emotion threatening to rip open her flesh and escapes from her very bones.
“Please, shut up.” She whispers with a hard edge in her voice, her fists clenching and undoubtedly leaving behind nail marks. “Not everything’s about Jessica.”
It startles Yoona when guilt starts pouring into her cold, stricken body when she sees the shock in Tiffany’s demeanour, the way her shoulder curls, the lowering of the chin, the twitching of her opened mouth. Knowing that there is nothing left to be said for the night, she rises and moves towards the direction of her room, never once does she look back at Tiffany and it’s because she doesn’t want to witness anymore accusation for the day.
Once her body hits the bed, Yoona discovers there is no feeling of regret coursing through her conscience like anticipated - there is an unexplainable feeling of sweet relief.
-
Changmin tries to convince himself he’s not avoiding but in truth, he is, he’s avoiding everyone -
Donghae, Tiffany, Jessica, Yoona. Especially Yoona.
He feels Yoona avoiding him too. The frequent ‘quarter of a second glance’ from across the room proves his instinct right and not to mention, the never ending run ins that takes his everything to keep him from running the other way like a scared little boy.
Changmin understands if she thinks it’s a mistake, sleeping with him (two times) and he’s fine with that. It’s the tension that ticks him - how he could almost taste that pure, sickness she feels when their eyes meet - like it was such an idiotic thing for her to have done, sleeping with him. This leaves him in an unfamiliar territory of a cross road, right or wrong - no, rather, okay or not okay.
He rolls over onto his stomach and groan; he can smell her on every inch of his sheet, his bed. Should have listened to Yunho’s nagging and done some washing, Changmin thinks to himself whilst hoisting himself off the mattress. He throws on the first flannel he could find, noticing the crack between his door - catching a glimpse of the black pumps, black denim jeans. No. Fuck. No. It couldn’t be.
The door creaks open before he could even reach for the knob. “Took you long enough to wake up.”
And it feels like waking up for the first time.
Here she is, standing at his bedroom door with her cat eye sunglasses masking half of her face - not her bitter frown though. He feels his heart swell at the sight of his ex-lover, something he’s been trying to rid himself of for the past week and of course, fails to find any success with. Yet an optimistic part of him coos his wildest dreams, filling his head with all sorts of lies like this is the moment, that moment she comes back to retrieve him and realize years of years that his love and loyalty was worth something.
“I came here to get the clothes I’ve left laying around your room.”
Yes, a man could only dream.
“Go for it.” He says plainly, his voice void of any emotion and steps away from the door. “I’m going to go get myself some breakfast.”
“Good.” Her reply stern as she uncrosses her arms. “I’ll be gone before you get back.”
“I know.”
-
Yeonhee once gave her a powerful piece of advice: In order to distract yourself from pain, you must find yourself something less painful to do. There couldn’t be a better time to put this to test so Yoona isolates herself from everything that’s been swirling around in her head and dance - she falls plenty of time, her legs are bruising and she can barely feel her body when she moves but she keeps going anyway because it’s easier than a confrontation with Tiffany or trying to think up a way to win back the heart of a man who threw hers away.
All she can think about when she repeats the same old steps to the same old song is how good she can be, she can even be great if she tries a little harder, if she becomes a little stronger and by the time that the next concert comes, she will be.
Clap.
Clap.
Clap.
It was slow, sarcastic and mocking her to her very last strained muscle. So she swivels around but with a smile, instead of a scowl that she wants to give because she’s always up for criticism, there’s always room for improvement but at that moment when she is met with smile that toys with her conscience, it all comes crashing down and Yoona finds herself back to the square one of Changmin and Tiffany and everything that she’s been cowering from
“You’re practicing especially hard today,” Jessica compliments but not sounding far from friendly, “I should take you as an example and do the same.”
Yoona shakes her head, turning away from the blonde to avoid her faltering smile. “No, no, I’ve just been so behind.”
Jessica, who’s been half-hiding behind the doorway until now, steps into the room, carrying a cardboard box stuffed fool of jumpers, some worn out sneakers, summer dresses and clothing that looks too outdated for Jessica to even consider wearing. Yoona watches the older girl set the box down on the floorboard through the reflection of the mirrors, flinching at very click of her heels and she muses for a second over when it was that Jessica became so intimidating.
“I had to stop by at Changmin’s dorm today to get all this old stuff,” She explains, speaking about the matter without much nostalgia or care, “I should throw most of these away but there are some scarfs and dresses I think Krystal might like.”
Yoona glazes over the contents for a long minute. “I think she might like that monogram scarf, it’s nice.”
“Maybe,” Jessica shrugs, taking a quick glance at it, “Anyway, I haven’t got the chance to check up on how you’ve been coping with the breakup and everything, so how are you?”
Yoona chuckles a little at her statement. “Jessica, I should be asking you the same, you and Changmin did breaku -“
“Yeah,” Jessica icily cuts her sentence short, “But it’s different - I dumped him, not the other way around.”
And Yoona knows just what Jessica is trying to say, intentionally or not, she couldn’t be sure but she sucks it up and ignores the blaring red that’s going off in her head in anyway. She couldn’t pretend it isn’t what is - Donghae ended things with her and not the other way around, it rings true yet it makes a part of her churns such distress that her insides physically hurts but here she is, accepting it to Jessica because she has left her no choice but to.
“I’m trying to be okay.”
Jessica blinks at her a couple of time before bending over to pick up her box full of clothes. She walks over to her then stiffly pats her on the back, there is no connection and it leaves Yoona feeling even colder than before.
“You’ll be fine in a couple of days.”
It’s because Jessica has never been one to lie that Yoona believes her, even if it was just for a second.
-
They send him on some talk show without telling him he needs to talk.
So when they ask him about his love life, he sits there - stumps with no answer while the host tries to cover the unintended silence with some humorous babble. Changmin wants to tell a good story, a memory the viewers will pin after in the romantic department but then he couldn’t conjure up any now that he has looked back, really looked back.
They say at the very least, you will have always something beautiful to remember lost love by but now all he thinks about when he thinks of Jessica is the raging anger spreading through him like wild fire that will be ceased to destroy everything in its path.
Changmin thinks he knows now.
-
Yoona contemplates calling Changmin on her way back to the dorm. She tries to come up with an excuse that will allow her to speak to him but she just ends up pacing the corridor with one hand gripping her phone, arm sticking out and holding it away from her body like its some lethal weapon.
She can’t say she’s been avoiding him but she can’t say she hasn’t been doing just that either.
Changmin saw her this morning when he was on his way out and she was on her way in the elevator, he looked like he had a few things to say to her and her, not wanting to hear any of it, took the stairs instead. He didn’t seem to have taken a hint and tried again when they both ended up in the parking lot some time yesterday and she, grabbed Sehyun and hopped into the van without even stopping to think. Had she been rude? She considers this for the next two day and the paranoia within her is starting to reach its boiling point
“I can’t just spring it onto her out of the blue!”
This was coming somewhere from the stage rehearsal room and the owner of the voice is one that’s been missing from all schedules for the past few day, Jessica. Yoona considers leaving to another floor, not wanting to eavesdrop on whatever the conversation is about but found her feet glued to the marble floor when another voice she so longed to hear joined her band mate’s.
“No, of course, not. I’m not asking you to, I just - I don’t want to keep this a secret, I want to let
everyone know that it’s you and me, like it should have always been.”
“I know but I still think it’s too fast to tell them.”
Tell who what? The inner voice sounds so real in her head, almost as if she really expresses her
inquiry out loud. She hasn’t but she is about to.
During this period of time, there are so many convoluted feelings at war that Yoona is unsuccessful at recgonizing the destroyed state she is in. She doesn’t take in that the air isn’t reaching her lung or her visions are so blur she can barely make out her surroundings or that she’s holding onto the columns on the wall to steady her steps as she walks towards a room, so big and black and dooming that it might as well be a black hole. Yoona is fighting her body, her instinct that is holding her prisoner from meeting half way with reality because the consequence might cripple the very last glimpse of hope to recovery she has left in her.
And finally, when she is standing there with her legs quaking against the door, a cry leaves her lips, the one she has bitten to shred to keep herself from outing herself to the two people locked in an embrace - a couple, made up of a man she loves and a woman she wants to trusts, the ones she had been praying isn’t.
“Yoo - Yoona, jesus, how long have you been standing there for?”
She wants to throw herself at Donghae, claws at his chest until it bleeds open to see if there was ever anything there in the first place. She wants to scream, to scream at him for choosing Jessica over her when she shouldn’t have been an option in the first place because they were friends and friends don’t do this - they don’t give a helping hand in your demise and watch you fall so far down from grace. She wants to do something, anything but cry and be so helpless - feel so incompetent and useless. Yet there is nothing to do but just that.
“We can explain”
At that, Yoona feels herself retreating into the walls. She senses the bile reaching her throat and it should, this is sick, just like how all the lies they are about to wrap her in are. Jessica hooks a finger into Donghae’s sleeves, stopping him from coming any closer and watches Yoona with sympathy - not sadness for the lost of friendship nor guilt for ripping apart what she cherished, just simple, hard, revolting, pity.
She couldn’t stand it anymore.
Finally, “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“W - what do you mean?” Donghae asks, his eyes softening all of the sudden.
Yoona feigns a laugh, one so sweet it would hide how much she’s loss in a night. “It doesn’t matter anymore because - because, I’m over you, Donghae.”
“Oh,” Jessica grunts, unconvinced, “Who is it, Yoona? Do tell us.”
“It’s....it’s Changmin.”