Finding the rest of yourself after you've discovered all of your bear....

[kingfuraday]

Last night I was working at the bar and I wasn't really feeling cranky but I just had a lot on my mind and my wheels were in motion I guess you could say. It keeps coming up and appearing at different times and the effects of my dealing with it can be seen here and there in the way I've been living my life of late. Wow, that's vague! You'll have

Comments

What stikes me about this thread...

[fidgetcub]

which comes up alot, is that its always the person changing and expecting the bar/event to change with them instead of changing to a new bar or event that reflects where they are now? There always were mixed bars that bears could go to when they wanted to, for what ever reason they decided not to and congregated at a place where they felt safe and comfortable. Things in general have changed since the hey day of the bear bar, but people still want the place that makes them feel comfortable and when that changes they move on.

Re: What stikes me about this thread...

[kingfuraday]

For sure.. and I've seen in just in my short time out in the gay scene here in SD (ok, not that short - about ten years or so). I work at PECs so I want it to be the spot where my friends go... but if folks are looking for a bears-only zone I think they'll need to look beyond us.

I still don't agree that the bear factor is why people don't go out. I think it's because a lot of the guys in my circle of friends are more into doing other things together outside of the bars.

[snapperboy]

We need both: places where we're mixed into the crowd and places where we're not. And there's nothing gay or bearish about those things; they're observable in most of the human population. There are pick up bars of all varieties, dance bars of all varieties, neighborhood bars of all kinds. We tend to segregate ourselves into affinity groups

[kingfuraday]

I see where you're coming from on your first point and maybe I take that part of my life for granted. I'm out wherever I go and at the workplace. If someone gave me a weird look I'd give them on right back along the lines of "go to hell you stupid fuck". My life is too short for segregation.

Ha - but as I type that i think back to Saturday night and saying "I don't want to see that movie because there will be too many kids in the audience and kids and I don't mix". hehe... comfort zones.

I can see needing a place where you can totally be yourself and not have someone look down their nose at you for it. Perhaps that's what my buddy was getting at. I'm just a pollyanna though - I want that place to be everywhere I go.

[joebehrsandiego]

Brian - thank you for posting about this; your LJ gets in front of many eyes (including mine) that would do themselves good to give the topic some thought.

I am in debt to "the bear thing" in that it helped me get comfortable with my sexual attractions and self-image, at a time when both needed some support. What turned me off of it later, to a degree, was the clique-ishness and misogyny (and whatever the word is for misdirected dislike of all gay that is not bear) that came later.

One of the nicest things about my time in Denver was that I learned again how to construct a more diverse group of friends, including many cool straight folks. I am trying to continue that in the all-gay fishbowl of PS ... should be interesting.

[kingfuraday]

I'm glad you've had such success in Denver, Joe. That's really great to hear. Palm Springs, that will be a challenge!

re: bear thing - agreed. I was quick to go on the defensive when talking to people who would critique bears for being clicky and inbred until I just admitted to myself that in general, it's quite true. And that works well for a lot guys - have sex with people you think are hot and hang with just yer bear buds 24/7. It's pretty much how I've rolled through most of my gay life.

I'm just starting to realize that I probably had it right back when I was in High School. I didn't just hang out with the people I had most of my classes with. I hung out with my swimming teammates, my fellow choir members, the people I went to church with, the people I had honors courses with.

Ha, thinking about it - maybe I have, but on a smaller level... my bear music friends, my bear geek friends, my bear movie friends, my bear volleyball friends... ha!

[cpratt]

I'm tired of excluding myself from the rest of what's out there

No kidding. Sometimes you wanna go to a bear bar to get laid or whatever, sometimes you wanna go to a generically gay bar to enjoy that experience, sometimes you wanna go get hammered at Wine Steals, and so on and so forth. There are a million experiences out there waiting to be had and it's wonderful that we have so many to choose from.

Oh, and yeah, it is a generation thing, isn't it? I see guys over 40 who have cute little LJ icons that say "some bears don't like fish" and who think everything looks like a penis, but that's cool, let's not forget that when they were young they were under attack from virtually all sides and that's probably why their culture is different from the younger ones out there. I'm personally really happy that I can be a bear when I wanna be, but also that I can fit in to other social circles when I wanna. It's awesome.

[kingfuraday]

and that's what I'm talin' about...

I like that you don't just bring up the generational example but you take the time to think over where the behavior comes from. It's the difference between hating/excluding and just understanding/accepting and I appreciate it.

[scream4noreason]

I've always thought that basing my entire social network on a couple of similar physical characteristics is ludicrous!

The idea that I might only be friends with white men of a simialr age who have chest hair/facial hair is completely against who and what I am as a person.When I meet entire social networks of people who appear to operate on this level I run in the oposite direction.

[kingfuraday]

well, speaking as a guy who has ensconced himself in such a network - it's not the end of the world... but it is limiting. And yes, you're better off to have explored other options (but no need to run away from me). 'Sides, I'm just jogging after you anyhow.