Brigits_Flame February Entry 04 - Once More, With Feeling!

[kenderlord]

“And… cut!” Amitabh Filmiwalla shakes his head.  It was a bad take.  “No, no, yaar.  Up on your feet again, Javed.”

The mantrik lays his hands on Javed’s corpse and says, “Live!  Live, Javed, live!”  There is a faint humming in the air as he says this.  The one bullet that didn’t form an exit wound pops out of his gut like a champagne cork, and the

Comments

[wierdauntie]

LOL fun!

[kenderlord]

Hee! Thank you! Good luck this week.

Do I need to gloss the Hindi? It's like, tourist Hindi - I definitely do not speak the language.
-D

[innana88]

This is awful! Not the writing, which is fantastic, but the concept, which is darkly funny and which I appreciate, but OH MY GOD! This guy needs a serious raise. *shudders*

[kenderlord]

Don't worry! Imagine that he is Shahrukh Khan or Saif Ali Khan: they get tons-and-tons of money, yaar.
<3
-D

[libra_dragon]

Wonderful piece. I really enjoyed reading it.

[kenderlord]

:)! thank you very much. I had a lot of fun writing it.
-D

[lee_terati]

I am one of your editors for this week, and I have to start with a disclaimer: both the subject and the venue are a bit foreign for me.

Just a couple of things - and the first one may be some sort of jargon:

“Well, we’re not done with principle photography." Do you mean principal? Unless principle photography is a technical term, it should be principal.

His fresh kurta-pajama are the color of fresh milk. Should be pajamas. Also you have the word "fresh" twice - can you change one of them? Can the first one be "cool" or something like that?

This is a very original and interesting piece. Good work.

[kenderlord]

Hup! No, sorry - brain fart. Fixed principle->principal, changed the fresh to new.

But I wanted to keep it as kurta-pajama because he gets a new shirt as well as pants.

Thanks for the edit! Is there anything that's _too_ foreign? Do things need glossing?
-D

[lee_terati]

I had to look up the words, but it was not a problem.

Edits

[green_eyes29321]

Hi, I'm one of your editors for this week, and I'm including in the comment the sentence I'm talking about from your entry, with my comment in italics.

The one bullet that didn’t form an exit wound pops out of his gut like a champagne cork, I like the imagery here and the hot trickle of blood from his stomach slows, halts, and then reverses entirely. I’m slightly confused by this last action. Does the blood flow just stop completely or does the blood Javed has lost re-enter his body?

Wardrobe!” this last, not addressed to Javed at all; This isn’t a complete thought, you might want to use “this last is not addressed to Javed at all” or something similar.

A line of his-not at all required but it might clear things up a bit; I was slightly confused by this the first time I read it ancestors stretching back as far as Independence knows what was wrong with that take - that is why his name is Filmiwalla. He explains

Re: Edits

[kenderlord]

thank you very kindly for the edit!

Was there anything else you found confusing? I know I used a lot of Indian Things without glossing them.
-D

Re: Edits

[green_eyes29321]

Not really. Referencing Bollywood early on, and just making it clear in general that this is set in India, made it much easier to follow as a whole. A few film terms made me scratch my head, but then again anyone who knows me could tell you I'm a lost cause when it comes to filmmaking; I don't understand anything much more technical than "Don't just smile like a loser, this a movie." Also, I was slightly confused by "kurta-pajama," but a quick Google image cleared that up.

Once again, I really enjoyed this piece. Good luck this month!