Velcro (Part 10/13)
Title: Velcro (Or, A Million and One Different Ways to Start Piecing Together Broken Hearts (Part Ten/Thirteen)
Sequel to Dependable. Reliable.
Author: Pulpobsessed.
Pairing: Multiple Pairings
Characters: This chapter: Dave Karofsky, Kurt Hummel, Chris Michaels (OC), and others.
Rating: R (for language)
Summary: The impacts of what happened at the reunion start to take shape in Dave's life - eventually forcing Dave to make a life changing decision. This is a story of heart breaks, finding yourself, finding the one you're meant to be with, and of salvation - for more than just one character.
Genre: FutureFic
Disclaimer: Glee belongs to Ryan Murphy. Not me. But this Dave...he's all mine.
A/N. Ok, A couple of days later than I expected - but RL got in my way of editing! Anyways - we're onto the final stetch. This chapter jumps us 4 weeks after the events of chapters 7-9, and features some familiar faces and some we haven't seen here before…Enjoy. And I promise, the chapters will appear rather quickly. Please review…I love hearing your thoughts!
You can Find all 12 chapters of D&R HERE
Previous Installments of Velcro: 1 | 2 | 3.1 | 3.2 | 4.1 | 4.2 | 5.1 | 5.2 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9
*Part Ten*
And its strange that you cannot find
Any strength to even try
To find a voice to speak your mind
When you do, all you wanna do is cry
Well maybe you should cry.
Alexi Murdoch, “Song For You.”
[1]
*One Month Later*
The world’s longest month. Quite literally. That was the only way Dave could really describe the past four weeks. Four weeks of emotional turmoil. Four weeks of constant stress. Four weeks of feeling like some kind of relationship leper.
Four weeks total loneliness.
And here he was. Dave Karofsky. Alone. At his best friend’s wedding.
And confused, too. Let’s not forget confused. Confused because every time he looked at Kurt Hummel, he found himself increasingly curious about what had happened in the man’s life over the past four weeks. What kind of conclusion about his own life had Kurt come to?
Curious as to how he fit into that life.
Sadly, since he’d arrived in Columbus, none of these things had gotten any better. In fact, they’d only gotten worse.
Since Wednesday evening, he’d only become even more lonely. Especially, when Chris didn’t answer his last couple of phone calls. Even lonelier when he found Kurt was almost refusing to talk to him. Which had, in turn, sent his curiosity over Kurt into overdrive.
The bachelor party had found him getting drunk. Almost going home with some random guy from the gay bar they’d dragged Az to. Az had realized what Dave was about to do at the last second and grabbed him.
So, Dave had gone back to his hotel room - alone and drunk. Entertained the idea of calling Chris…but even in his alchohol doused brain, he realized that would do no good at all. So, instead crawled into bed. Jacked off. And then fell asleep feeling like the most disgusting human being alive.
That was a feeling that did not seem to really be going away anytime soon.
Currently, Dave was slumped into himself on a large leather plush chair in the main foyer of the Graystone winery, just after the rehearsal dinner. A three hour dinner that consisted of at least a dozen speeches from various family and friends all about the amazing love that Mercedes and Az shared. Listening to so much saccharine bullshit, had actually put Dave in a worse mood than he’d been in at the start of the evening. Thankfully, he’d be spared having to make a speech tonight…
He felt a shadow fall across him. He could tell it was Az. Az, who from the tone of his voice, was not super impressed with Dave at the moment.
"Seriously, dude, would it kill you to smile. Like even once. You can fake it, if you have to…but one tiny smile, it's all I'm asking. You do know tomorrow is my wedding right?"
Dave slowly lifted his head. "Yeah.” He muttered. Not entirely sure if he had enough energy to really show enthusiasm.
“Fuck…come on man. I’ve never seen you this upset.”
Dave closed his eyes. He could feel the tears starting to swell against him. “I know… I'm sorry, Az. I thought I would be ok, but ever since I got here, I can't stop thinking about how much I miss Chris. I’m…just lonely.”
“Dude, I get it. But, even last night at the bachelor party, you were like going through the motions.”
“I was not! Who the fuck got the most signatures on his shirt?! Me, you jerk! I got over a hundred girls and hot guys to sign my shirt. Plus…”
“Plus, that douche bag who was more than ready to take advantage of how drunk you were! And, for the record, you got those phone numbers cause you took your shirt off at the gay bar…”
“I know…I’m a mess man. And for the record, that one guy would’ve taken you home with him, if you really wanted him to.”
“Yeah…I woulda tapped that.” Az shook his head, a small smile toying at the edges of his lips. He turned to Dave, rubbing his back. “But, seriously man, you ok?”
“No. Yes. Maybe…I don’t know. He should be here, you know?"
Az sat down next to Dave. Nodding.
“Yeah. He should be. What else is going on?”
Dave shrugged.
There was no way to really put into words, exactly what was going on. Or exactly what he was feeling. Dave wasn’t entirely sure if Az could really understand everything.
How could Dave really put into words exactly how he felt about the whole Chris situation.
Or about what was happening with Kurt.
Kurt. Ever since Dave had gotten to Columbus, the must he’d gotten out of Kurt was either a nod, the occasional hello and, more often than now, silent glares. All of which caused Dave way more confusion than necessary. Dave had no clue how he could even begin to interpret the looks he was getting. It was as though everything they had talked about that night, outside Dave’s condo building, had become null and void.
Granted, they had not spoken once since that night outside Dave’s apartment…since the night of the kiss…so, perhaps Kurt had decided that Dave really didn’t want anything to do with him. But all Dave had done was keep to his word - he needed space from Kurt. And he’d done all he could to get it. But it seemed as though Kurt had…had what, exactly?
That was the thing that was confusing him the most. Dave had no idea what was going on inside Kurt’s head.
Perhaps Kurt’s apparent rejection had been made even worse because of Chris’ decision. A decision that was breaking Dave’s heart just a little more every single day. The decision to distance himself from everything that had anything to do with David Karofsky.
Ok, perhaps that was a tab melodramatic. But in the grand scheme of things, considering everything that Dave had agreed to and done to show Chris just how serious he was about staying together.
But Chris’ rejection had…nearly sent Dave in a awful downward spiral.
The Monday following…what Dave was now calling the incident…he’d started seeing a therapist. A very good therapist. A very expensive therapist. Who had immediately pinpointed Dave’s unresolved issues around Kurt and high school. Who had help Dave realize that Dave’s unsettled tensions with Kurt from high school had probably created a long lasting connection and dependency on the other man…which was why he felt such a strong pull towards Kurt. Because Dave ran away from his high school problems, especially those around Kurt, Dave relived them in a variety of ways time and time again.
For the last three and a half weeks, Dave had spend 4 days a week, an hour a day, talking about Kurt. About Chris. About his feelings. About anger. About what he wanted.
And while Kurt would forever be a part of Dave’s life - he was just woven into Dave’s existence somehow - Dave didn’t want a romantic relationship with Kurt. There was just too much baggage between them for a relationship to be healthy - right now. He loved Chris. He wanted Chris.
And every time he said it in front of his therapist, it felt right. Like it was the absolutely correct thing to be saying.
So, when Dave called Chris to tell him about therapy and some of the revelations he’d been having lately, Dave had hoped that it would result in maybe the first steps to getting back together. And, sure Chris had said right away that he was proud of Dave…but it wasn’t enough. Chris just couldn’t jump back into something with Dave.
Dave lost it. Totally. He’d never felt quite so pissed off and upset. But Chris simply said that he was protecting himself. That he had to make sure he didn’t get hurt.
So, the break stayed in effect.
When Dave asked what would be good enough? Or when Chris would feel comfortable giving them another chance.
The answer had been simple. After the wedding.
It was as though Chris had decided that the wedding weekend was some kind of magical weekend. That if Dave could get through it without…doing something…then they could start seeing each other. And Dave knew exactly what that something was…if he get through the whole weekend without fucking Kurt Hummel, then Chris would let them become a ‘them’ again.
That just was not acceptable for Dave. Not in the slightest. He wanted Chris to come with him to the wedding…he wanted to bring his boyfriend with him. He needed to bring his boyfriend.
Dave pleaded. Dave begged. He promised everything he could think of. He even offered to bring Chris to a therapy session…just so he could see how much progress Dave had made in the last few weeks.
But most of all, he reminded Chris that he’d done every little thing that had been asked of him. He’s gotten the help he needed. He’d cut Kurt out of his life. He’d made all the big life changes that needed to be made.
Fuck, he’d pretty much fast tracked a good year’s worth of therapy into the span of four weeks.
And it just wasn’t good enough. Chris insisted that he wouldn’t come to the wedding. That they couldn’t be together until after the wedding.
A few days before his flight to Columbus, Dave had gone over to Chris’ apartment. A final attempt to convince the man to come. All it had resulted in was a massive argument.
“I honestly don’t know what more you want from me?”
“I just need you to be sure.”
“I am sure. How the fuck can I be more clear on this…I don’t want to be in a relationship with Kurt…ok? I want to be in one with you.”
“You don’t know that for sure.”
“Fucking fuck, Chris! Are you telepathic now? Are you able to see something I’m not aware of? I swear on my grandmother’s grave…”
“You won’t know for sure until you see Kurt.”
“I want you to come to this wedding, Chris. I need you to. This is important to me!”
“And you being sure, that’s important to me.”
“I am sure. Fuck. I am so sure…I could not be more sure!”
“Dave…please…I just…I can’t do it if I think there’s even a fraction of a chance that I could get hurt.”
“So…that’s it then. Huh? What I want counts for nothing?”
“Dave…it’s not…”
“No! It totally is. Everyone else makes decisions for me. You decide we’re on a break. You decide I can’t have you at the wedding. You decide that I’m still in love with Kurt…even though I know I’m not…it’s an co-dependent relationship based on unhealthy emotions that drive us together… But am I allowed to make a decision…no! Well, I’m fucking tired of this! This. Is. Important. To. Me!!!”
“I just need…”
“Chris…I’ve done everything in my power to make you realize that I am not in love with Kurt Hummel. Everything…and you refuse to let me show it to you. You seem so sure that you know what I’m going to do, that you’re refusing to listen to me. You just want me to keep jumping through these hoops. Fuck! I love you. Stop making me do these tests…just let me love you!”
“I’m not testing you! I just…I just don’t want to get hurt.”
“I’m not going to hurt you. Don’t you see that! Fuck…I just don’t know if I can keep doing this. I’m sorry. But…”
“But?” Chris’ voice cracked.
Dave turned away. His body was shaking. He felt like there were millions of hot pins jabbing into his heart. He opened his mouth, not entirely sure what was about to come out. Then…
“There might not be an us when I come back.” Dave’s own voice cracked. Was he really saying this? Was he really doing this? Oh fuck…oh fucking fuck…oh god!
“I’m just…scared.”
Dave spun around. He was crying. “I know…but I can’t keep doing this, Chris. I can’t keep jumping through hoops. I need you to come with me…please. I’ve done so much already. Can’t you try?” Dave’s voice was breaking into a million little pieces as he spoke. He could feel the tears sliding down his face.
When he’d talked to his therapist about this conversation, she said it would be hard…but this wasn’t hard. This was impossible.
“I just…I just don’t think I can, Dave.”
Dave felt the air go out of the room.
“Can’t you just try? Just come to the airport…even see me off. Just give me something…Chris…please.”
“I…I…”
“So, that’s it then…you just can’t do this one thing for me?”
“I…just don’t know.”
“Chris, I need you to try. This can’t be a one way street - I need you to try!”
“I am.”
“No. You’re not…you’re punishing me.”
“I don’t want to punish you! I want to do everything you’re asking me to do. But…”
“But you’re so sure that I’m going to hurt you. Even when I promise you that I won’t?”
“I’m just scared.”
“So am I…but not that I’m going to hurt you. I love you. I need this. Please.” Dave knew he was begging now. There was no hiding it. This was pure unadulterated begging.
Dave’s heart broke even more as he watched Chris just shake his head.
In the end…they merely turned away from each other. Both aching for the other. Both scared that they truly were finished.
Chris hadn’t come to the airport. Instead, he’d disappeared into his own world. Simply telling Dave that he would be there…waiting for him…when he got home. If Dave still wanted him to be…
Dave had no idea what he wanted. He knew he was sad and lonely. He had to be resigned to the fact that there was to be no Chris Michaels at this wedding. No slow dances. No great introductions to his friends. No way to show everyone from his past just how happy he was…
Instead, Dave found himself alone and wallowing in self pity while surrounded by all of his old high school friends.
Dave felt isolated and hurt.
Even his usual rock, Jess, had been so incredibly disappointed in him. Although she tried to support him and tell him that everything would be ok, her intense honesty had only managed to isolate him even more.
“I expected better Dave…we spent so much time talking about what we would do if we managed to find the one…how much we wanted to find that one person who would complete us…and what do you do when you find him? You fuck it up because of some stupid crush you had in high school. You and Chris were like…well you were my role models. I love you like a fucking brother, but this…Jesus.”
They still talked almost every single day…but there was always this tone. A tone of disapproval and sadness. As though she just couldn’t help but judge him. And that judging was making her isolate herself from him. Even her own relationship drama was not brought before the court of Dave…she merely retreated into her own relationship drama…saying that she needed to get herself back together and needed a bit of alone time.
Dave had faced disappointment from a lot of people in his life, so he was pretty familiar with what it looked like, but this…this hurt way more than he could have possibly imagined. It killed him that his actions had done this…Jess almost seemed to take his “betrayal” as an affront to her.
She did, however, drive him to the airport. As he got out of the car, she turned and grabbed his arm:
“Please, just don’t do anything stupid where Kurt’s involved. You might still have a shot here…promise me.”
“I promise. Jess…I…”
“I know. I know you’re sorry. I get that. I really do. But I’ve never been this mad at you. You acted like a stupid, spoiled child who couldn’t handle suddenly having responsibility. I know you’re sad…and I know you’re trying to do the right thing, but you were just so fucking stupid, Dave.”
“Stop! Just enough. I’ve had enough from you and Chris…I’m not the fucking devil incarnate. I made a mistake, I’m trying my best to make up for that. And you two don’t get to throw it in my face constantly.”
Jess looked startled at Dave’s angry tone. Dave threw open the car door and stepped out. He paused, turned back, sighed. “Jess, you’re my best friend. I’ve stood by you regardless of what you’ve done or how you’ve acted. I’m not saying you have to forgive me or be ok with what I’ve done…bit you’re not supposed to make me feel like shit about it forever. I fucked up and I own that. But I’m doing my best to make it better…so be my friend and just…fucking…be my friend.”
With that Dave slammed the door shut, walked round to the trunk and banged on it to get his luggage out. Jess got out of the car. Tear welling in her eyes. He stood there, clutching his suit bag and suitcase, looking lost.
He stared at her. She stared back. He was willing her to say something, anything. Just something to help make this moment, this trip a little easier. She raised her hand. Gave him a teary smile and nodded.
Dave sighed, turned, and walked into the airport.
So, in case anyone was keeping count, Dave had successfully managed to alienate both Chris and Jess before he even left Washington.
And given Kurt’s sudden icy demeanor, it would seem he’d done a great job of alienating Kurt too. Plus, his foul mood and bad behavior over the past couple days, he was well on his way to alienating Az too.
Fuck.
Dave was knocked out of his thoughts by the sound of Az clearing his throat next to him. Dave’s head snapped up.
Az looked at him, concern written all over his face. "Look, dude, I really don't know what to say. I think you did the right thing. Kurt had no right to do what he did…he sorta forced your hand. He forced you to make a choice…and you chose Chris. Of course, I also think that Chris is a bit of an ass too - I mean you made your choice. You started in on therapy and all that stuff…I mean, you’re trying, what more does he want?"
"He said he wants me to make it through this weekend without anything happening between Kurt and I, and then we'll talk. I think he wants proof that Kurt and I are done…like completely done. Which is pretty obvious from the cold shoulder I’m getting…I feel slightly crazy, to be honest. All I want is to talk to Chris. I want him here."
"What did he say when you told him you wanted him to come?"
"That he just couldn't do it. That he couldn't face being in the same room as Kurt and I again and run the risk that I might end up choosing Kurt. So he said I had to come alone."
"Dude has a point. The last time you and Kurt were together…well, it was like an episode of Young and the Restless…"
"Thank you for relating my love life to some daytime soap opera…"
"I'm trying to make you smile!"
"Sorry, I'm trying Az, I really am. But I feel like shit. I'm at my best friend’s wedding without my boyfriend. And even though Kurt and I said we’d try to work through some of our shit…he’s barely said boo to me since I got here…not to mention managing to avoid making eye contact with me constantly. So, Kurt apparently wants nothing to do with me and Chris doesn't want much to do with me right now either… I'm lonely. I miss Chris. Plus…”
“Plus what?”
“Plus, we had a huge fight before I left. I essentially told him I didn’t know what more he wanted from me. I said I didn’t think I could do this anymore?”
“So…like you broke things off?”
“I..I…fuck! How the hell did I fuck up this badly!?"
"I wish I knew man… I'm so fucking sorry. You were so happy when I saw you in DC…like over the moon happy, you didn't deserve this shit."
Az draped an arm across Dave's shoulders and gave him a sideways hug. The two men sat there quietly. Dave lost in thought about…well everything. While Az went through every way imaginable that he was going to fuck up his vows the following day.
The sound of a pair of high heels brought both men out of their trances. Mercedes was standing in front of them - glaring down at them.
"Did someone just die at my wedding or are you two just representing the pity party club of America?"
Az stood up, moving to hug her. "Sorry babe, Dave was upset, I was doing the best friend thing."
Mercedes nodded. Then, pushing away from Az, she knelt down in front of Dave. "I'm really sorry. But try to remember that if Chris really does love you, he'll come back to you - have faith. I've seen it happen…to me." As she finished, she stood up again and reached out, taking Az's hand.
Dave smiled. Mercedes, Az, his parents…even Jess had been trying to tell him the same thing for the last three weeks. But when Chris refused to come to the wedding…even when Dave said it was important to him…Dave couldn't help but feel as though what he’d had with Chris really was dead. He'd lost his chance. And he wasn't getting another one.
"Thanks 'Cedes…and I promise I'll be much better tomorrow. I'll be in full Best Man mode."
Az nodded. "I know you'll rise to the occasion…I need someone to make sure I don't vomit."
"Get any on my dress and I will gut you and strangle you with your intestines in front of our guests…" Az paled slightly.
"Fun," Dave said, with a smile. "Performance art."
"He knows I'm serious." To this Az nodded enthusiastically. "Anyways, we should head back to the hotel…do you want a ride?"
"Yeah…sure."
As Dave walked out of the winery, he felt a pair of eyes on him. Glancing back over his shoulder he thought he saw Kurt standing behind a pillar watching him. But on a second glance, the other man was gone.
*****************
Unsurprisingly, a few hours after the rehearsal dinner, Dave found himself starving. As of late, this was not wholly unusual. Ever since ‘the incident‘ Dave’s emotional eating had gone into over drive.
Which was why, at quarter after ten, Dave was walking back through the lobby of the Westin clutching a Walgreens bag filled with a dozen different kinds of junk food. His whole intent was to get back to his room, find a pay-per-view movie, and eat himself sick.
He probably should mention this little problem to his therapist.
Dave was half way to the elevators when a voice broke through the quiet of the lobby. "Hey, Flintstone…making a late night condom run? Expecting some company?"
Dave stopped in mid-stride. He spun around. A huge smile on his face.
"You lose your maid outfit, Lolita? Or are they letting you latin cleaning women wear anything these days?"
"I should fucking handcuff you to the back of my Harley and take a tour of this fucking state for that, ass face…not in that your face looks like an ass, but that you like shoving it in asses."
Standing in front of him was Santana Lopez, wearing a tight red leather jacket, a low cut v-neck black t-shirt, tight black jeans, and a pair of motorcycle boots. Her hair, which was streaked with red highlights, was pulled back in a long pony tail. She wore very little make up - just a touch of lipstick and some eye shadow, but in all honesty, she needed none at all. Her skin was flawless. She looked like she hadn't aged a day since high school, except for a deep wisdom in her eyes. It was very clear she had matured over the last decade.
And at the moment she was struggling to stop her bitch face from breaking out into a enormous grin.
"Fuck, San…a Harley? Could you have become any more of a dyke?"
"Lipstick lesbian, honey-bear. I prefer the term lipstick lesbian."
"Just calling it as I see it."
"Whatever, oaf. Fuck…it's good to see you." Suddenly, Dave found himself with an armful of Santana. She pulled back after a moment, "You son of a bitch! You god damn cock-sucking, son of a bitch…don't you ever run off on me again!"
"I'm sorry…I..fuck…I'm just sorry."
"I know…your email said as much. But…we were supposed to be in this shit together. Two bad ass queers…and then you lose your shit because Curly-Q tries to get his freak on with you…shit.” Dave watched as the woman struggled to hold back tears. “I just didn't think it would be so, well, crazy to see you again. I missed my idiot beard. Fuck…I hate crying!"
"Aw…such love. I love making hard ass lesbians cry." Dave hugged her tightly. “I wish I could go back in time and not…not run away. But I did. And god, San, I am so sorry. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to call and talk to you…but you know me, a great big cowardly lion.”
“You certainly are a friend of Dorothy’s…”
“Piss off.” Dave tried to hide the slight chuckle in his voice and he hugged her tightly.
“I don’t understand why you left. But I’m glad you’re back. Of course, you know I spent ten years calling you some rather creative names…”
“Doesn’t surprise me.” Dave smiled. As he did, he suddenly became aware of the tall, striking blond woman standing next to Santana. She’d been watching the entire exchange with a mixture of disgust and fascination… Dave smiled at her. He pulled away from the weepy Santana, and offered his hand to the woman. "Hello."
Santana seemed to remember the woman's presence at exactly the same time. She wiped furiously at her eyes. "Shit, sorry. Dave, is is Tara, my fiancé."
Dave's brain stopped working…
"What?"
"Yeah…it's new. Like last week, new."
"Wow…well, um, congrats…" He stepped forward. "Hi, I'm Dave Karofsky. Santana and I went to high school together."
The woman smiled and nodded. She screamed lawyer in every way possible. From the way she held herself, to the tight and controlled manner that she moved. Even casual clothing - jeans, t-shirt, and a light silk jacket..it all said lawyer. And the moment her eyes moved across Dave's body, he felt intimidated…judged…evaluated.
"Hello, David, I've heard a lot about you. I'm Tara."
Dave found himself slightly at a loss for words. Almost afraid that no matter what he said it would be recorded in a police file somewhere, eventually used against him should he ever find himself in a courtroom.
Santana stepped between them. "Tara, honey, put the ball-crusher attitude away. He's gayer than Perez Hilton in drag…he wouldn't even be interested if we pulled out a couple strap ons."
"Jesus! Santana! I could have died without having that mental image in my head." Dave shuddered, but noticed that Tara visibly relaxed at Santana's words.
"Sorry," the blond spoke softly, "I have a tendency to jump to conclusions…sometimes I need a little reassurance that every guy isn't going to try to rape and murder. Guess it's a consequence you live with when you work for the Chicago DA's office."
"Totally understandable. Sometimes I need a little help remembering that every gay teen isn't going to jump in front of a subway train."
"Right, you're a social worker?"
"Yeah, in DC. I work at The Center."
"Oh! I've heard of it. You do good work."
"Thanks. We try. So are you two staying in here too?"
"No," Santana rolled her eyes. "Our hobby is driving for six hours and then just wandering through random hotel lobbies… Yes, lard-o, of course we're staying here."
Dave rolled his eyes at Santana. "A simple, 'Dumb question, Dave. But yeah, we're staying here' would have sufficed."
"Sorry, default sarcasm setting. Anyway, yeah, we're staying here. Tara drove us down, I just got off a double shift. How long have you been here?"
"Got here day before yesterday. Had to come for a suit fitting. Bachelor party last night. Prevent Az from having a stroke…you know, normal best man duties."
"Tomorrow's gonna be such a shit show. Is Lieutenant Jack Daniels going to be here?”
“If you mean Finn, then no. When I talked to him, he said he wasn’t really ready…he’s worried about being temped, plus he’s still pretty embarrassed.”
“Yeah, I pretty much figured he wouldn’t show up. And can you believe Rainbow Bright is going to serenade us…"
"Rachel looks nothing like Rainbow Bright…she's not blonde."
"No, but she is fucking annoying."
"At least the glee reunion performance idea was nixed."
"What you don't want to relive your high school years with a rousing rendition of Journey or Adele or whatever Strawberry Shortcake decides we should sing?"
"At least you got the hair color right…and no, I don't. Apparently there was quite the explosion when that idea was posed…Az said that Mercedes screamed for twenty minutes about how this was not a Broadway stage for Rachel to masturbate with her Tony on…or something like that."
“I want to hear Mercedes say the words: ‘masturbate with your Tony.”
“Me too…it’s so dirty.”
“But I bet you CareBear is going to get some of us up there.”
“She’s a stuffed animal now? And I’ll need a whole distillery of gin before that happens.”
“Not even to show off to you man… Speaking of which…where is your other half…?"
Dave sighed and frowned.
“Aw. Fuck. Dave…”
“He didn’t come…”
“The whole Kurt thing?”
“Yeah…it’s a long story…”
"Fuck…well…as a member of the Chicago police force, I have certain powers…I can make Kurt disappear."
"Santana!" Tara's horrified voice shot out.
"What?! I'm just saying… Look, I'd hate Kurt too if…"
"I don't hate Kurt."
"You're joking…please tell me you’re joking."
"No, I'm really not. I hate the situation I'm in…the situation all three of us are in. But I don't, I can't hate Kurt. We've been through too much…there's been way too much shit…too much history…for that.”
“Jesus…Dave…how log are you going to do this?”
“Do what?”
“Act like Kurt is the be all and end all of your romantic life?”
“That’s not…I never…”
“Yeah, it is Dave. You’re letting him dictate the shape of your relationship with…what’s his name?”
“Chris.”
“Right…whether you want to admit it or not, Kurt is affecting you. He’s always affected you…and who knows he probably always will.”
“But I don’t think I could ever be more than just friends with him. But I’m not going to waste my time hating him for having very conflicting and mixed up emotions.
“Hard truth time…Kurt is going to end up hurting you. Badly. He already has. I agree, sure you could find a way to be friends with him, but you have to stop letting him rule over your emotions. If you want to be with Chris. Then you should be with Chris.”
“I'm trying my best to fight for Chris…but as much as I want it, he has to want it too."
"And does he?" Santana had stepped closer, she slipped her hand to curl around Dave's bicep.
"I…I don't honestly know."
Santana frowned. Then in a move that surprised Dave, and probably herself, she leaned in and gave him a small kiss on the cheek. "If he doesn't…then he doesn't deserve you." She stepped back. Nodded. And suddenly the icy exterior that defined her slid back into place. She then glanced over at Tara. Dave watched as they seemed to have some kind of unspoken conversation.
Santana turned to him, "I think we're going to check in now and head upstairs. What room are you in? If I'm bored and awake, I'll call you to go drink with me."
"Um, 1509. And what if I have plans."
“You don’t…unless you call the diabetic nightmare in that bag there a plan.”
“Right…so, maybe a drink later?”
“Yup. Ok…I'll call you later. And let's plan to get fucking shit-faced tomorrow…deal?"
"Deal." Dave couldn't help the huge smile from forming on his face. Out of all the people at this wedding, Santana might be the only one who could actually help him stay distracted from the tornado of crap and depression that was swirling around in his head.
"And Dave?" Santana let her bitch queen personal slide away again for a moment. "I'm glad…I…Well, I'm glad you're ok and shit. And that you're here."
"You getting soft, Lopez?"
"Fuck you, you teenage runaway. Ruining a moment here."
"Yeah, yeah. I'm glad I'm here too. I’ll see you tomorrow or later tonight.”
“Whatever, gay boy.”
“And nice to meet you Tara.”
The blond smiled a long suffering smile. “You too…”
Dave watched the two women walk towards the front desk. He turned and made his way to the elevators. Pressing the button for the fifteenth floor, he thought about texting Chris. Just to say that he missed him….He pulled out his phone.
Dave was scripting exactly what he was going to say as the doors opened. He was staring rather intently at his phone as he turned the corner to his room, he glanced up. And stopped mid-stride..
There, sitting in front of the door to his room, was Kurt. He had his legs drawn up against his chest and was clearly playing some kind of game on his phone.
“Kurt?”
“Hey!” Kurt smiled up at him, shoved his phone into his pocket and started to get up.
“Are you making it a habit of waiting for me by my places of residence?”
**************************
[2]
Kurt’s laugh rang through the empty hallway. He smiled. “Actually I wanted to surprise you.” As he spoke he lifted his other hand, which was clutching a bottle of red wine. “I was hoping I could entice you to wallow in our best man/man of honor woes with a glass of wine.”
“Is that a Merryvale Cabernet?”
“Yeah - it’s from the same bottling date as the one that won that Food and Wine award last year.”
“We kept trying to get a bottle of that…ok, well I kept trying, Chris probably didn’t care.”
“I’ve heard it’s actually only good if you pair it with steak…but…” Kurt gestured at Dave’s bag. “It might go well with Red Vines and Hersey Bars too.”
“Oh…yeah…I was going to drown my sorrows in sugar.”
“Want company…not in any other sense than as friends having a drink…I just wanted to talk.”
“You, I and hotel rooms…don’t mix well.”
“I’ll keep my hands to myself. I promise.”
“Yeah…I remember hearing that once before… Kurt, you’d better keep them to yourself or you’ll find yourself back out in the hallway, only I’ll be keeping the wine.”
“Fair is fair.”
Dave pulled out his key card and opened the door. He ushered Kurt in ahead of him, kicking the door closed as he passed through the doorway. He tossed the bag of junk food onto the bed, and went to fetch some glasses from the bathroom.
“Do you want to open the bottle?” Dave called out as he grabbed the tiny water glasses that the Westin stocked. “I hope you have a corkscrew.”
“Mmmhmm.” Was all the response he got.
“Kurt…what are…” Dave stopped in the doorway to the bathroom, an amused expression forming on his face. Kurt was sitting on the bed, already having stuffed two Red Vines into his mouth, and was in the process of unwrapping a Reese Peanut Butter Cup. “I thought you wanted some wine.”
“Chocolate and sugar got in the way.”
“Do you have a corkscrew? And I had no idea you’d ever put shit like that into your body.”
“Yeah.” Kurt mumbled between mouthfuls. He reached into his inner jacket pocket and pulled out a small corkscrew. “Here. And for your information…there is a whole lot that I put in my…” Suddenly Kurt’s eyes got incredibly large. “Know what…never mind…that sounded rather awful.”
Dave just shook his head. “Yeah…gonna ignore ALL that.” Dave set about opening the bottle of wine and pouring them each a glass. He turned back to Kurt as the smaller man was shoving another disc of chocolate and peanut butter into his mouth. “From the way you’ve been ignoring me since I got here…I figured you wanted nothing to do with me.”
“No. Not at all. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have given you that impression. I just wasn’t sure how to approach you. I was worried you were really mad at me still. And then I got paranoid that we’d get into some kind of huge fight or something…not sure why. Guess I was just freaking out. Plus, I wasn’t sure if we were off our break or not…I was kind of waiting for you to make the move.”
“What made you change your mind and make a move?”
“Seeing you after the rehearsal dinner. You looked so unhappy.”
“I was…I am.”
“What happened?”
“Chris refused to come with me. Said he was nervous that all the promises I’d made would go out the window the moment you and I saw each other.”
Kurt was silent for a moment. Then, “So you picked him then…”
Dave looked up, surprised at the question. “You knew the answer to that question before you came up here. And its not fair to ask me that…”
“Yeah. I did. I know…I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?”
“Because I’m responsible for all of this. I’m the reason Chris isn’t here…I’m the reason you’re so unhappy.”
“That’s a lot of guilt to take on.”
“But it’s all true.”
“I need to take some of the blame too, Kurt.”
“You just reacted to things...reacted to things I did.”
Dave nodded. “He said he would be waiting for me when I got back...”
“That’s good...right?”
“I suppose.”
“But?”
Dave sighed, tossed back the glass of wine and refilled it. He sank down onto the bed next to Kurt. “Him coming was...important to me. Really important. And I did everything he wanted me to do...I figured maybe he would understand how much him being here meant to me. I just...I don’t know if I can go back to Washington and be with him when he couldn’t even try.”
“I’m sure he’s doing the best he can, Dave.”
“Yeah...I...I don’t know.”
“What?” Kurt put his hand on Dave’s knee. “Out with it...I mean, if we’re really going to try to be friends, that means talking to each other about this shit right.”
“Yeah...but I feel like an asshole talking to you about my relationship shit when...well...you know.”
“Since I went crazy and tried to win you back in the worst way possible?”
“Yeah.”
“Look, I take total responsibility for that. And sure, there might be some crazy residual feelings that are hanging on because of all that...but I’m seeing a therapist now, and we’re working through this shit. So, you don’t have to worry about me.”
“Ok...I really do love him Kurt. Like really really love him. And it’s killing me that this happened. I thought that people who loved each other should be able to work through crap like this. Should come out the other side unscathed. But here I am...alone. It hurts that he’s not here...I just don’t know if I can over look that and go back and just act like nothing happened.”
“If you love him, you’ll keep trying.”
“But it feels like I’m the only one...”
“He’s trying in his own way, Dave.”
“Why are you helping me deal with this...shouldn’t you be over the mood that Chris isn’t here, that you could swoop in and win me over.”
“I could do that, sure. But do you want me to do that?”
“No. But I don’t want to be alone.”
“You’re not totally alone.”
“Oh?”
“You have your Red Vines.”
“When did you become a funny man?”
“I used to hide it under layers of sarcasm and general gay bitchiness.”
“Explains a lot.”
“Yeah. Look...I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but I honestly, really, am sorry. I never wanted to make our lives as difficult as they are...but I hope you know if I could take it all back I would.”
“I know that. And thank...but, again, I am still partially to blame.”
“Even so, I can’t help but feel as though this situation you’re in now...I caused it.”
“Kurt, I made the choices I made...I could have said no to going out for a drink with you. I could have gone to Vanguard on my own that day. I could have said no to you when you asked to talk to me outside the restaurant. I could have done a million things different...and so could’ve you.”
“Yeah...I could have decided to be a nicer person. I could have been more honest with you from the get go. I could have decided not to kiss you like I did. I could have...well, I could have done everything different.”
“Yup. I’ve spent the last three weeks starting to work though a lot of crap... Technically, this whole started in that hotel room, but I’m not even sure if I believe that anymore. I think whatever this weird relationship we have started in high school.”
“What does your therapist say about us?”
“Kurt...that’s between me and my doctor.”
“I know...I know...I just thought...”
“I know what you thought. But it doesn’t really work like that, and you know it.”
“Right.” Kurt stared down at the glass he had clasped between his hands, he frowned.
“Look, Kurt...regardless of what she says about you and I...I’m sitting here, next to you on a hotel bed, having a glass of wine and talking. Doesn’t that tell you enough?”
Kurt looked at him with a slightly startled look on his face. “I..I never really thought about that. Does it mean...you know...that you’ve forgiven me?”
“No.”
Kurt’s eyebrow shot up.
“But it does mean that I am on my way to forgiving you. It is going to take time. And work...but I do think that you and I can still be friends.”
“I would like that.” Dave watched as Kurt smiled...but the smile was strained and almost forced in a way. It didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Kurt...you do understand that after everything that’s happened, being your friend, it’s all I can offer.”
“Yes! Of course...I mean, I know that we have a long road ahead of us. And if being your friend at the end of it is all...is what happens, then I’ll be happy. It’s certainly more than I deserve.”
They were both silent for a moment. Both staring at their glasses of wine. Dave reached out and pulled a Red Vine from the package. Then, Kurt asked quietly: “Does Chris know about this friends with me thing?”
“He knows that I am not looking for you and I to be enemies.”
“So, in other words, he doesn’t have the slightest clue that you and I are hanging out like this.”
“I didn’t even know you and I would be hanging out like this.”
“Dave, I just don’t want to make this any worse than it already is.”
“I know. And thank you. But, really, how much worse could it get? Chris isn’t here...regardless of how much I wanted him to be...which makes this break feel pretty final. If he was here, I’d do anything to prove that what you and I have...or had...is done. That all there is between us is friendship.”
“I just don’t want him finding out about this and then completely ending things...I don’t want to hurt you more.”
“Yeah, I know. And I don’t want to go back to be lonely, single Dave. I never felt so fulfilled as I did when I was with Chris.” Dave tossed back his glass of wine in one swallow. He sighed and rolled the glass between his hands. “Maybe I am making even more mistakes...I just don’t know anymore. Fuck...I feel like shit.” Dave nearly whispered. If Kurt heard him, he made no indication of it.
“So...I’m back in New York.” Kurt sputtered out, in an attempt to break the increasingly awkward silence.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. I moved back a couple weeks ago. I got a job at a children’s hospital that needed a new musical therapist. Staying with Rachel right now, till i can find my own place.”
“How’s that?”
“Intense.”
“I bet.”
“I’m working on getting back to me...”
“Sounds like that song from Priscilla.”
“My life is not some cheesy love song from the 1970s.”
“I think it was more about female empowerment.” Dave rolled the glass between his hands, a sad thoughtful expression on his face.
“Well, anyways, I’m working really hard at figuring stuff out. So...even if you did say you wanted more than friendship, I’d say exactly that. I’m too busy finding myself.”
Dave wasn’t sure which of them Kurt was trying to convince. So he just nodded. He could feel Kurt’s eyes on him. Watching him. Evaluating him. Suddenly had the uncontrollable urge to cry. The silence in the room started to get heavier and heavier. Dave could almost feel something building between them - Dave could sense Kurt’s discomfort.
Dave reached for the bottle of wine, hoping that by refilling their glasses that discomfort could be alleviated. But as he stretched out his arm to get the bottle, he brushed Kurt’s thigh. They both froze. The only noise in the room was their even labored breathing. Dave flexed his arm muscles, bringing it closer to Kurt.
Kurt shot up. “Shit, when did it get so late?”
“Kurt...I’m sorry...it was an accident...”
“I know...but it is getting late.”
“It’s only a little after eleven.”
“We both have big days tomorrow.”
“Kurt...?”
“I think I should go to bed.”
“Shit. I made it awkward and weird didn’t I?”
“No. I just think I should go...I have to check on Mercedes before I go to bed.”
“What? Why?”
“To make sure she’s ok.”
“I’m sure she’s fine. Please don’t go…I was enjoying talking to you.”
“Dave, I should really just go.”
“Did I…”
“I’ll talk to you later, if everything is cool with Cedes, maybe I’ll come back for some more wine.”
“Kurt…wait!” But as Dave called out his name, Kurt was already out the door and hurrying down the hall.
Dave sank back down onto the bed, watching the door close behind Kurt’s retreating back. What the fuck had just happened? He had mistakenly touched Kurt. It wasn’t a sign that he wanted them to be together…it was a mistake. Dave just felt increasingly more and more fucked up. And now he was certain that things all the more awkward between them. He reached into the plastic bag and pulled out a Hersey Bar. He unwrapped it and he flopped onto his back. Chewing thoughtfully and staring at the ceiling, he found himself wishing, yet again, that he was back home in Washington, cuddled up with Chris.
But not here…not eating his weight in junk food. Not accidentally sending mixed signals to Kurt Hummel…
Outside, in the hotel elevator, Kurt Hummel jabbed frantically at the button for the seventeenth floor, breathing heavily. In the split second it took for Dave’s arm to touch his leg, Kurt had made a decision. A decision that was going to change everything.
*Part Ten*
And its strange that you cannot find
Any strength to even try
To find a voice to speak your mind
When you do, all you wanna do is cry
Well maybe you should cry.
Alexi Murdoch, “Song For You.”
[1]
*One Month Later*
The world’s longest month. Quite literally. That was the only way Dave could really describe the past four weeks. Four weeks of emotional turmoil. Four weeks of constant stress. Four weeks of feeling like some kind of relationship leper.
Four weeks total loneliness.
And here he was. Dave Karofsky. Alone. At his best friend’s wedding.
And confused, too. Let’s not forget confused. Confused because every time he looked at Kurt Hummel, he found himself increasingly curious about what had happened in the man’s life over the past four weeks. What kind of conclusion about his own life had Kurt come to?
Curious as to how he fit into that life.
Sadly, since he’d arrived in Columbus, none of these things had gotten any better. In fact, they’d only gotten worse.
Since Wednesday evening, he’d only become even more lonely. Especially, when Chris didn’t answer his last couple of phone calls. Even lonelier when he found Kurt was almost refusing to talk to him. Which had, in turn, sent his curiosity over Kurt into overdrive.
The bachelor party had found him getting drunk. Almost going home with some random guy from the gay bar they’d dragged Az to. Az had realized what Dave was about to do at the last second and grabbed him.
So, Dave had gone back to his hotel room - alone and drunk. Entertained the idea of calling Chris…but even in his alchohol doused brain, he realized that would do no good at all. So, instead crawled into bed. Jacked off. And then fell asleep feeling like the most disgusting human being alive.
That was a feeling that did not seem to really be going away anytime soon.
Currently, Dave was slumped into himself on a large leather plush chair in the main foyer of the Graystone winery, just after the rehearsal dinner. A three hour dinner that consisted of at least a dozen speeches from various family and friends all about the amazing love that Mercedes and Az shared. Listening to so much saccharine bullshit, had actually put Dave in a worse mood than he’d been in at the start of the evening. Thankfully, he’d be spared having to make a speech tonight…
He felt a shadow fall across him. He could tell it was Az. Az, who from the tone of his voice, was not super impressed with Dave at the moment.
"Seriously, dude, would it kill you to smile. Like even once. You can fake it, if you have to…but one tiny smile, it's all I'm asking. You do know tomorrow is my wedding right?"
Dave slowly lifted his head. "Yeah.” He muttered. Not entirely sure if he had enough energy to really show enthusiasm.
“Fuck…come on man. I’ve never seen you this upset.”
Dave closed his eyes. He could feel the tears starting to swell against him. “I know… I'm sorry, Az. I thought I would be ok, but ever since I got here, I can't stop thinking about how much I miss Chris. I’m…just lonely.”
“Dude, I get it. But, even last night at the bachelor party, you were like going through the motions.”
“I was not! Who the fuck got the most signatures on his shirt?! Me, you jerk! I got over a hundred girls and hot guys to sign my shirt. Plus…”
“Plus, that douche bag who was more than ready to take advantage of how drunk you were! And, for the record, you got those phone numbers cause you took your shirt off at the gay bar…”
“I know…I’m a mess man. And for the record, that one guy would’ve taken you home with him, if you really wanted him to.”
“Yeah…I woulda tapped that.” Az shook his head, a small smile toying at the edges of his lips. He turned to Dave, rubbing his back. “But, seriously man, you ok?”
“No. Yes. Maybe…I don’t know. He should be here, you know?"
Az sat down next to Dave. Nodding.
“Yeah. He should be. What else is going on?”
Dave shrugged.
There was no way to really put into words, exactly what was going on. Or exactly what he was feeling. Dave wasn’t entirely sure if Az could really understand everything.
How could Dave really put into words exactly how he felt about the whole Chris situation.
Or about what was happening with Kurt.
Kurt. Ever since Dave had gotten to Columbus, the must he’d gotten out of Kurt was either a nod, the occasional hello and, more often than now, silent glares. All of which caused Dave way more confusion than necessary. Dave had no clue how he could even begin to interpret the looks he was getting. It was as though everything they had talked about that night, outside Dave’s condo building, had become null and void.
Granted, they had not spoken once since that night outside Dave’s apartment…since the night of the kiss…so, perhaps Kurt had decided that Dave really didn’t want anything to do with him. But all Dave had done was keep to his word - he needed space from Kurt. And he’d done all he could to get it. But it seemed as though Kurt had…had what, exactly?
That was the thing that was confusing him the most. Dave had no idea what was going on inside Kurt’s head.
Perhaps Kurt’s apparent rejection had been made even worse because of Chris’ decision. A decision that was breaking Dave’s heart just a little more every single day. The decision to distance himself from everything that had anything to do with David Karofsky.
Ok, perhaps that was a tab melodramatic. But in the grand scheme of things, considering everything that Dave had agreed to and done to show Chris just how serious he was about staying together.
But Chris’ rejection had…nearly sent Dave in a awful downward spiral.
The Monday following…what Dave was now calling the incident…he’d started seeing a therapist. A very good therapist. A very expensive therapist. Who had immediately pinpointed Dave’s unresolved issues around Kurt and high school. Who had help Dave realize that Dave’s unsettled tensions with Kurt from high school had probably created a long lasting connection and dependency on the other man…which was why he felt such a strong pull towards Kurt. Because Dave ran away from his high school problems, especially those around Kurt, Dave relived them in a variety of ways time and time again.
For the last three and a half weeks, Dave had spend 4 days a week, an hour a day, talking about Kurt. About Chris. About his feelings. About anger. About what he wanted.
And while Kurt would forever be a part of Dave’s life - he was just woven into Dave’s existence somehow - Dave didn’t want a romantic relationship with Kurt. There was just too much baggage between them for a relationship to be healthy - right now. He loved Chris. He wanted Chris.
And every time he said it in front of his therapist, it felt right. Like it was the absolutely correct thing to be saying.
So, when Dave called Chris to tell him about therapy and some of the revelations he’d been having lately, Dave had hoped that it would result in maybe the first steps to getting back together. And, sure Chris had said right away that he was proud of Dave…but it wasn’t enough. Chris just couldn’t jump back into something with Dave.
Dave lost it. Totally. He’d never felt quite so pissed off and upset. But Chris simply said that he was protecting himself. That he had to make sure he didn’t get hurt.
So, the break stayed in effect.
When Dave asked what would be good enough? Or when Chris would feel comfortable giving them another chance.
The answer had been simple. After the wedding.
It was as though Chris had decided that the wedding weekend was some kind of magical weekend. That if Dave could get through it without…doing something…then they could start seeing each other. And Dave knew exactly what that something was…if he get through the whole weekend without fucking Kurt Hummel, then Chris would let them become a ‘them’ again.
That just was not acceptable for Dave. Not in the slightest. He wanted Chris to come with him to the wedding…he wanted to bring his boyfriend with him. He needed to bring his boyfriend.
Dave pleaded. Dave begged. He promised everything he could think of. He even offered to bring Chris to a therapy session…just so he could see how much progress Dave had made in the last few weeks.
But most of all, he reminded Chris that he’d done every little thing that had been asked of him. He’s gotten the help he needed. He’d cut Kurt out of his life. He’d made all the big life changes that needed to be made.
Fuck, he’d pretty much fast tracked a good year’s worth of therapy into the span of four weeks.
And it just wasn’t good enough. Chris insisted that he wouldn’t come to the wedding. That they couldn’t be together until after the wedding.
A few days before his flight to Columbus, Dave had gone over to Chris’ apartment. A final attempt to convince the man to come. All it had resulted in was a massive argument.
“I honestly don’t know what more you want from me?”
“I just need you to be sure.”
“I am sure. How the fuck can I be more clear on this…I don’t want to be in a relationship with Kurt…ok? I want to be in one with you.”
“You don’t know that for sure.”
“Fucking fuck, Chris! Are you telepathic now? Are you able to see something I’m not aware of? I swear on my grandmother’s grave…”
“You won’t know for sure until you see Kurt.”
“I want you to come to this wedding, Chris. I need you to. This is important to me!”
“And you being sure, that’s important to me.”
“I am sure. Fuck. I am so sure…I could not be more sure!”
“Dave…please…I just…I can’t do it if I think there’s even a fraction of a chance that I could get hurt.”
“So…that’s it then. Huh? What I want counts for nothing?”
“Dave…it’s not…”
“No! It totally is. Everyone else makes decisions for me. You decide we’re on a break. You decide I can’t have you at the wedding. You decide that I’m still in love with Kurt…even though I know I’m not…it’s an co-dependent relationship based on unhealthy emotions that drive us together… But am I allowed to make a decision…no! Well, I’m fucking tired of this! This. Is. Important. To. Me!!!”
“I just need…”
“Chris…I’ve done everything in my power to make you realize that I am not in love with Kurt Hummel. Everything…and you refuse to let me show it to you. You seem so sure that you know what I’m going to do, that you’re refusing to listen to me. You just want me to keep jumping through these hoops. Fuck! I love you. Stop making me do these tests…just let me love you!”
“I’m not testing you! I just…I just don’t want to get hurt.”
“I’m not going to hurt you. Don’t you see that! Fuck…I just don’t know if I can keep doing this. I’m sorry. But…”
“But?” Chris’ voice cracked.
Dave turned away. His body was shaking. He felt like there were millions of hot pins jabbing into his heart. He opened his mouth, not entirely sure what was about to come out. Then…
“There might not be an us when I come back.” Dave’s own voice cracked. Was he really saying this? Was he really doing this? Oh fuck…oh fucking fuck…oh god!
“I’m just…scared.”
Dave spun around. He was crying. “I know…but I can’t keep doing this, Chris. I can’t keep jumping through hoops. I need you to come with me…please. I’ve done so much already. Can’t you try?” Dave’s voice was breaking into a million little pieces as he spoke. He could feel the tears sliding down his face.
When he’d talked to his therapist about this conversation, she said it would be hard…but this wasn’t hard. This was impossible.
“I just…I just don’t think I can, Dave.”
Dave felt the air go out of the room.
“Can’t you just try? Just come to the airport…even see me off. Just give me something…Chris…please.”
“I…I…”
“So, that’s it then…you just can’t do this one thing for me?”
“I…just don’t know.”
“Chris, I need you to try. This can’t be a one way street - I need you to try!”
“I am.”
“No. You’re not…you’re punishing me.”
“I don’t want to punish you! I want to do everything you’re asking me to do. But…”
“But you’re so sure that I’m going to hurt you. Even when I promise you that I won’t?”
“I’m just scared.”
“So am I…but not that I’m going to hurt you. I love you. I need this. Please.” Dave knew he was begging now. There was no hiding it. This was pure unadulterated begging.
Dave’s heart broke even more as he watched Chris just shake his head.
In the end…they merely turned away from each other. Both aching for the other. Both scared that they truly were finished.
Chris hadn’t come to the airport. Instead, he’d disappeared into his own world. Simply telling Dave that he would be there…waiting for him…when he got home. If Dave still wanted him to be…
Dave had no idea what he wanted. He knew he was sad and lonely. He had to be resigned to the fact that there was to be no Chris Michaels at this wedding. No slow dances. No great introductions to his friends. No way to show everyone from his past just how happy he was…
Instead, Dave found himself alone and wallowing in self pity while surrounded by all of his old high school friends.
Dave felt isolated and hurt.
Even his usual rock, Jess, had been so incredibly disappointed in him. Although she tried to support him and tell him that everything would be ok, her intense honesty had only managed to isolate him even more.
“I expected better Dave…we spent so much time talking about what we would do if we managed to find the one…how much we wanted to find that one person who would complete us…and what do you do when you find him? You fuck it up because of some stupid crush you had in high school. You and Chris were like…well you were my role models. I love you like a fucking brother, but this…Jesus.”
They still talked almost every single day…but there was always this tone. A tone of disapproval and sadness. As though she just couldn’t help but judge him. And that judging was making her isolate herself from him. Even her own relationship drama was not brought before the court of Dave…she merely retreated into her own relationship drama…saying that she needed to get herself back together and needed a bit of alone time.
Dave had faced disappointment from a lot of people in his life, so he was pretty familiar with what it looked like, but this…this hurt way more than he could have possibly imagined. It killed him that his actions had done this…Jess almost seemed to take his “betrayal” as an affront to her.
She did, however, drive him to the airport. As he got out of the car, she turned and grabbed his arm:
“Please, just don’t do anything stupid where Kurt’s involved. You might still have a shot here…promise me.”
“I promise. Jess…I…”
“I know. I know you’re sorry. I get that. I really do. But I’ve never been this mad at you. You acted like a stupid, spoiled child who couldn’t handle suddenly having responsibility. I know you’re sad…and I know you’re trying to do the right thing, but you were just so fucking stupid, Dave.”
“Stop! Just enough. I’ve had enough from you and Chris…I’m not the fucking devil incarnate. I made a mistake, I’m trying my best to make up for that. And you two don’t get to throw it in my face constantly.”
Jess looked startled at Dave’s angry tone. Dave threw open the car door and stepped out. He paused, turned back, sighed. “Jess, you’re my best friend. I’ve stood by you regardless of what you’ve done or how you’ve acted. I’m not saying you have to forgive me or be ok with what I’ve done…bit you’re not supposed to make me feel like shit about it forever. I fucked up and I own that. But I’m doing my best to make it better…so be my friend and just…fucking…be my friend.”
With that Dave slammed the door shut, walked round to the trunk and banged on it to get his luggage out. Jess got out of the car. Tear welling in her eyes. He stood there, clutching his suit bag and suitcase, looking lost.
He stared at her. She stared back. He was willing her to say something, anything. Just something to help make this moment, this trip a little easier. She raised her hand. Gave him a teary smile and nodded.
Dave sighed, turned, and walked into the airport.
So, in case anyone was keeping count, Dave had successfully managed to alienate both Chris and Jess before he even left Washington.
And given Kurt’s sudden icy demeanor, it would seem he’d done a great job of alienating Kurt too. Plus, his foul mood and bad behavior over the past couple days, he was well on his way to alienating Az too.
Fuck.
Dave was knocked out of his thoughts by the sound of Az clearing his throat next to him. Dave’s head snapped up.
Az looked at him, concern written all over his face. "Look, dude, I really don't know what to say. I think you did the right thing. Kurt had no right to do what he did…he sorta forced your hand. He forced you to make a choice…and you chose Chris. Of course, I also think that Chris is a bit of an ass too - I mean you made your choice. You started in on therapy and all that stuff…I mean, you’re trying, what more does he want?"
"He said he wants me to make it through this weekend without anything happening between Kurt and I, and then we'll talk. I think he wants proof that Kurt and I are done…like completely done. Which is pretty obvious from the cold shoulder I’m getting…I feel slightly crazy, to be honest. All I want is to talk to Chris. I want him here."
"What did he say when you told him you wanted him to come?"
"That he just couldn't do it. That he couldn't face being in the same room as Kurt and I again and run the risk that I might end up choosing Kurt. So he said I had to come alone."
"Dude has a point. The last time you and Kurt were together…well, it was like an episode of Young and the Restless…"
"Thank you for relating my love life to some daytime soap opera…"
"I'm trying to make you smile!"
"Sorry, I'm trying Az, I really am. But I feel like shit. I'm at my best friend’s wedding without my boyfriend. And even though Kurt and I said we’d try to work through some of our shit…he’s barely said boo to me since I got here…not to mention managing to avoid making eye contact with me constantly. So, Kurt apparently wants nothing to do with me and Chris doesn't want much to do with me right now either… I'm lonely. I miss Chris. Plus…”
“Plus what?”
“Plus, we had a huge fight before I left. I essentially told him I didn’t know what more he wanted from me. I said I didn’t think I could do this anymore?”
“So…like you broke things off?”
“I..I…fuck! How the hell did I fuck up this badly!?"
"I wish I knew man… I'm so fucking sorry. You were so happy when I saw you in DC…like over the moon happy, you didn't deserve this shit."
Az draped an arm across Dave's shoulders and gave him a sideways hug. The two men sat there quietly. Dave lost in thought about…well everything. While Az went through every way imaginable that he was going to fuck up his vows the following day.
The sound of a pair of high heels brought both men out of their trances. Mercedes was standing in front of them - glaring down at them.
"Did someone just die at my wedding or are you two just representing the pity party club of America?"
Az stood up, moving to hug her. "Sorry babe, Dave was upset, I was doing the best friend thing."
Mercedes nodded. Then, pushing away from Az, she knelt down in front of Dave. "I'm really sorry. But try to remember that if Chris really does love you, he'll come back to you - have faith. I've seen it happen…to me." As she finished, she stood up again and reached out, taking Az's hand.
Dave smiled. Mercedes, Az, his parents…even Jess had been trying to tell him the same thing for the last three weeks. But when Chris refused to come to the wedding…even when Dave said it was important to him…Dave couldn't help but feel as though what he’d had with Chris really was dead. He'd lost his chance. And he wasn't getting another one.
"Thanks 'Cedes…and I promise I'll be much better tomorrow. I'll be in full Best Man mode."
Az nodded. "I know you'll rise to the occasion…I need someone to make sure I don't vomit."
"Get any on my dress and I will gut you and strangle you with your intestines in front of our guests…" Az paled slightly.
"Fun," Dave said, with a smile. "Performance art."
"He knows I'm serious." To this Az nodded enthusiastically. "Anyways, we should head back to the hotel…do you want a ride?"
"Yeah…sure."
As Dave walked out of the winery, he felt a pair of eyes on him. Glancing back over his shoulder he thought he saw Kurt standing behind a pillar watching him. But on a second glance, the other man was gone.
*****************
Unsurprisingly, a few hours after the rehearsal dinner, Dave found himself starving. As of late, this was not wholly unusual. Ever since ‘the incident‘ Dave’s emotional eating had gone into over drive.
Which was why, at quarter after ten, Dave was walking back through the lobby of the Westin clutching a Walgreens bag filled with a dozen different kinds of junk food. His whole intent was to get back to his room, find a pay-per-view movie, and eat himself sick.
He probably should mention this little problem to his therapist.
Dave was half way to the elevators when a voice broke through the quiet of the lobby. "Hey, Flintstone…making a late night condom run? Expecting some company?"
Dave stopped in mid-stride. He spun around. A huge smile on his face.
"You lose your maid outfit, Lolita? Or are they letting you latin cleaning women wear anything these days?"
"I should fucking handcuff you to the back of my Harley and take a tour of this fucking state for that, ass face…not in that your face looks like an ass, but that you like shoving it in asses."
Standing in front of him was Santana Lopez, wearing a tight red leather jacket, a low cut v-neck black t-shirt, tight black jeans, and a pair of motorcycle boots. Her hair, which was streaked with red highlights, was pulled back in a long pony tail. She wore very little make up - just a touch of lipstick and some eye shadow, but in all honesty, she needed none at all. Her skin was flawless. She looked like she hadn't aged a day since high school, except for a deep wisdom in her eyes. It was very clear she had matured over the last decade.
And at the moment she was struggling to stop her bitch face from breaking out into a enormous grin.
"Fuck, San…a Harley? Could you have become any more of a dyke?"
"Lipstick lesbian, honey-bear. I prefer the term lipstick lesbian."
"Just calling it as I see it."
"Whatever, oaf. Fuck…it's good to see you." Suddenly, Dave found himself with an armful of Santana. She pulled back after a moment, "You son of a bitch! You god damn cock-sucking, son of a bitch…don't you ever run off on me again!"
"I'm sorry…I..fuck…I'm just sorry."
"I know…your email said as much. But…we were supposed to be in this shit together. Two bad ass queers…and then you lose your shit because Curly-Q tries to get his freak on with you…shit.” Dave watched as the woman struggled to hold back tears. “I just didn't think it would be so, well, crazy to see you again. I missed my idiot beard. Fuck…I hate crying!"
"Aw…such love. I love making hard ass lesbians cry." Dave hugged her tightly. “I wish I could go back in time and not…not run away. But I did. And god, San, I am so sorry. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to call and talk to you…but you know me, a great big cowardly lion.”
“You certainly are a friend of Dorothy’s…”
“Piss off.” Dave tried to hide the slight chuckle in his voice and he hugged her tightly.
“I don’t understand why you left. But I’m glad you’re back. Of course, you know I spent ten years calling you some rather creative names…”
“Doesn’t surprise me.” Dave smiled. As he did, he suddenly became aware of the tall, striking blond woman standing next to Santana. She’d been watching the entire exchange with a mixture of disgust and fascination… Dave smiled at her. He pulled away from the weepy Santana, and offered his hand to the woman. "Hello."
Santana seemed to remember the woman's presence at exactly the same time. She wiped furiously at her eyes. "Shit, sorry. Dave, is is Tara, my fiancé."
Dave's brain stopped working…
"What?"
"Yeah…it's new. Like last week, new."
"Wow…well, um, congrats…" He stepped forward. "Hi, I'm Dave Karofsky. Santana and I went to high school together."
The woman smiled and nodded. She screamed lawyer in every way possible. From the way she held herself, to the tight and controlled manner that she moved. Even casual clothing - jeans, t-shirt, and a light silk jacket..it all said lawyer. And the moment her eyes moved across Dave's body, he felt intimidated…judged…evaluated.
"Hello, David, I've heard a lot about you. I'm Tara."
Dave found himself slightly at a loss for words. Almost afraid that no matter what he said it would be recorded in a police file somewhere, eventually used against him should he ever find himself in a courtroom.
Santana stepped between them. "Tara, honey, put the ball-crusher attitude away. He's gayer than Perez Hilton in drag…he wouldn't even be interested if we pulled out a couple strap ons."
"Jesus! Santana! I could have died without having that mental image in my head." Dave shuddered, but noticed that Tara visibly relaxed at Santana's words.
"Sorry," the blond spoke softly, "I have a tendency to jump to conclusions…sometimes I need a little reassurance that every guy isn't going to try to rape and murder. Guess it's a consequence you live with when you work for the Chicago DA's office."
"Totally understandable. Sometimes I need a little help remembering that every gay teen isn't going to jump in front of a subway train."
"Right, you're a social worker?"
"Yeah, in DC. I work at The Center."
"Oh! I've heard of it. You do good work."
"Thanks. We try. So are you two staying in here too?"
"No," Santana rolled her eyes. "Our hobby is driving for six hours and then just wandering through random hotel lobbies… Yes, lard-o, of course we're staying here."
Dave rolled his eyes at Santana. "A simple, 'Dumb question, Dave. But yeah, we're staying here' would have sufficed."
"Sorry, default sarcasm setting. Anyway, yeah, we're staying here. Tara drove us down, I just got off a double shift. How long have you been here?"
"Got here day before yesterday. Had to come for a suit fitting. Bachelor party last night. Prevent Az from having a stroke…you know, normal best man duties."
"Tomorrow's gonna be such a shit show. Is Lieutenant Jack Daniels going to be here?”
“If you mean Finn, then no. When I talked to him, he said he wasn’t really ready…he’s worried about being temped, plus he’s still pretty embarrassed.”
“Yeah, I pretty much figured he wouldn’t show up. And can you believe Rainbow Bright is going to serenade us…"
"Rachel looks nothing like Rainbow Bright…she's not blonde."
"No, but she is fucking annoying."
"At least the glee reunion performance idea was nixed."
"What you don't want to relive your high school years with a rousing rendition of Journey or Adele or whatever Strawberry Shortcake decides we should sing?"
"At least you got the hair color right…and no, I don't. Apparently there was quite the explosion when that idea was posed…Az said that Mercedes screamed for twenty minutes about how this was not a Broadway stage for Rachel to masturbate with her Tony on…or something like that."
“I want to hear Mercedes say the words: ‘masturbate with your Tony.”
“Me too…it’s so dirty.”
“But I bet you CareBear is going to get some of us up there.”
“She’s a stuffed animal now? And I’ll need a whole distillery of gin before that happens.”
“Not even to show off to you man… Speaking of which…where is your other half…?"
Dave sighed and frowned.
“Aw. Fuck. Dave…”
“He didn’t come…”
“The whole Kurt thing?”
“Yeah…it’s a long story…”
"Fuck…well…as a member of the Chicago police force, I have certain powers…I can make Kurt disappear."
"Santana!" Tara's horrified voice shot out.
"What?! I'm just saying… Look, I'd hate Kurt too if…"
"I don't hate Kurt."
"You're joking…please tell me you’re joking."
"No, I'm really not. I hate the situation I'm in…the situation all three of us are in. But I don't, I can't hate Kurt. We've been through too much…there's been way too much shit…too much history…for that.”
“Jesus…Dave…how log are you going to do this?”
“Do what?”
“Act like Kurt is the be all and end all of your romantic life?”
“That’s not…I never…”
“Yeah, it is Dave. You’re letting him dictate the shape of your relationship with…what’s his name?”
“Chris.”
“Right…whether you want to admit it or not, Kurt is affecting you. He’s always affected you…and who knows he probably always will.”
“But I don’t think I could ever be more than just friends with him. But I’m not going to waste my time hating him for having very conflicting and mixed up emotions.
“Hard truth time…Kurt is going to end up hurting you. Badly. He already has. I agree, sure you could find a way to be friends with him, but you have to stop letting him rule over your emotions. If you want to be with Chris. Then you should be with Chris.”
“I'm trying my best to fight for Chris…but as much as I want it, he has to want it too."
"And does he?" Santana had stepped closer, she slipped her hand to curl around Dave's bicep.
"I…I don't honestly know."
Santana frowned. Then in a move that surprised Dave, and probably herself, she leaned in and gave him a small kiss on the cheek. "If he doesn't…then he doesn't deserve you." She stepped back. Nodded. And suddenly the icy exterior that defined her slid back into place. She then glanced over at Tara. Dave watched as they seemed to have some kind of unspoken conversation.
Santana turned to him, "I think we're going to check in now and head upstairs. What room are you in? If I'm bored and awake, I'll call you to go drink with me."
"Um, 1509. And what if I have plans."
“You don’t…unless you call the diabetic nightmare in that bag there a plan.”
“Right…so, maybe a drink later?”
“Yup. Ok…I'll call you later. And let's plan to get fucking shit-faced tomorrow…deal?"
"Deal." Dave couldn't help the huge smile from forming on his face. Out of all the people at this wedding, Santana might be the only one who could actually help him stay distracted from the tornado of crap and depression that was swirling around in his head.
"And Dave?" Santana let her bitch queen personal slide away again for a moment. "I'm glad…I…Well, I'm glad you're ok and shit. And that you're here."
"You getting soft, Lopez?"
"Fuck you, you teenage runaway. Ruining a moment here."
"Yeah, yeah. I'm glad I'm here too. I’ll see you tomorrow or later tonight.”
“Whatever, gay boy.”
“And nice to meet you Tara.”
The blond smiled a long suffering smile. “You too…”
Dave watched the two women walk towards the front desk. He turned and made his way to the elevators. Pressing the button for the fifteenth floor, he thought about texting Chris. Just to say that he missed him….He pulled out his phone.
Dave was scripting exactly what he was going to say as the doors opened. He was staring rather intently at his phone as he turned the corner to his room, he glanced up. And stopped mid-stride..
There, sitting in front of the door to his room, was Kurt. He had his legs drawn up against his chest and was clearly playing some kind of game on his phone.
“Kurt?”
“Hey!” Kurt smiled up at him, shoved his phone into his pocket and started to get up.
“Are you making it a habit of waiting for me by my places of residence?”
**************************
[2]
Kurt’s laugh rang through the empty hallway. He smiled. “Actually I wanted to surprise you.” As he spoke he lifted his other hand, which was clutching a bottle of red wine. “I was hoping I could entice you to wallow in our best man/man of honor woes with a glass of wine.”
“Is that a Merryvale Cabernet?”
“Yeah - it’s from the same bottling date as the one that won that Food and Wine award last year.”
“We kept trying to get a bottle of that…ok, well I kept trying, Chris probably didn’t care.”
“I’ve heard it’s actually only good if you pair it with steak…but…” Kurt gestured at Dave’s bag. “It might go well with Red Vines and Hersey Bars too.”
“Oh…yeah…I was going to drown my sorrows in sugar.”
“Want company…not in any other sense than as friends having a drink…I just wanted to talk.”
“You, I and hotel rooms…don’t mix well.”
“I’ll keep my hands to myself. I promise.”
“Yeah…I remember hearing that once before… Kurt, you’d better keep them to yourself or you’ll find yourself back out in the hallway, only I’ll be keeping the wine.”
“Fair is fair.”
Dave pulled out his key card and opened the door. He ushered Kurt in ahead of him, kicking the door closed as he passed through the doorway. He tossed the bag of junk food onto the bed, and went to fetch some glasses from the bathroom.
“Do you want to open the bottle?” Dave called out as he grabbed the tiny water glasses that the Westin stocked. “I hope you have a corkscrew.”
“Mmmhmm.” Was all the response he got.
“Kurt…what are…” Dave stopped in the doorway to the bathroom, an amused expression forming on his face. Kurt was sitting on the bed, already having stuffed two Red Vines into his mouth, and was in the process of unwrapping a Reese Peanut Butter Cup. “I thought you wanted some wine.”
“Chocolate and sugar got in the way.”
“Do you have a corkscrew? And I had no idea you’d ever put shit like that into your body.”
“Yeah.” Kurt mumbled between mouthfuls. He reached into his inner jacket pocket and pulled out a small corkscrew. “Here. And for your information…there is a whole lot that I put in my…” Suddenly Kurt’s eyes got incredibly large. “Know what…never mind…that sounded rather awful.”
Dave just shook his head. “Yeah…gonna ignore ALL that.” Dave set about opening the bottle of wine and pouring them each a glass. He turned back to Kurt as the smaller man was shoving another disc of chocolate and peanut butter into his mouth. “From the way you’ve been ignoring me since I got here…I figured you wanted nothing to do with me.”
“No. Not at all. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have given you that impression. I just wasn’t sure how to approach you. I was worried you were really mad at me still. And then I got paranoid that we’d get into some kind of huge fight or something…not sure why. Guess I was just freaking out. Plus, I wasn’t sure if we were off our break or not…I was kind of waiting for you to make the move.”
“What made you change your mind and make a move?”
“Seeing you after the rehearsal dinner. You looked so unhappy.”
“I was…I am.”
“What happened?”
“Chris refused to come with me. Said he was nervous that all the promises I’d made would go out the window the moment you and I saw each other.”
Kurt was silent for a moment. Then, “So you picked him then…”
Dave looked up, surprised at the question. “You knew the answer to that question before you came up here. And its not fair to ask me that…”
“Yeah. I did. I know…I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?”
“Because I’m responsible for all of this. I’m the reason Chris isn’t here…I’m the reason you’re so unhappy.”
“That’s a lot of guilt to take on.”
“But it’s all true.”
“I need to take some of the blame too, Kurt.”
“You just reacted to things...reacted to things I did.”
Dave nodded. “He said he would be waiting for me when I got back...”
“That’s good...right?”
“I suppose.”
“But?”
Dave sighed, tossed back the glass of wine and refilled it. He sank down onto the bed next to Kurt. “Him coming was...important to me. Really important. And I did everything he wanted me to do...I figured maybe he would understand how much him being here meant to me. I just...I don’t know if I can go back to Washington and be with him when he couldn’t even try.”
“I’m sure he’s doing the best he can, Dave.”
“Yeah...I...I don’t know.”
“What?” Kurt put his hand on Dave’s knee. “Out with it...I mean, if we’re really going to try to be friends, that means talking to each other about this shit right.”
“Yeah...but I feel like an asshole talking to you about my relationship shit when...well...you know.”
“Since I went crazy and tried to win you back in the worst way possible?”
“Yeah.”
“Look, I take total responsibility for that. And sure, there might be some crazy residual feelings that are hanging on because of all that...but I’m seeing a therapist now, and we’re working through this shit. So, you don’t have to worry about me.”
“Ok...I really do love him Kurt. Like really really love him. And it’s killing me that this happened. I thought that people who loved each other should be able to work through crap like this. Should come out the other side unscathed. But here I am...alone. It hurts that he’s not here...I just don’t know if I can over look that and go back and just act like nothing happened.”
“If you love him, you’ll keep trying.”
“But it feels like I’m the only one...”
“He’s trying in his own way, Dave.”
“Why are you helping me deal with this...shouldn’t you be over the mood that Chris isn’t here, that you could swoop in and win me over.”
“I could do that, sure. But do you want me to do that?”
“No. But I don’t want to be alone.”
“You’re not totally alone.”
“Oh?”
“You have your Red Vines.”
“When did you become a funny man?”
“I used to hide it under layers of sarcasm and general gay bitchiness.”
“Explains a lot.”
“Yeah. Look...I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but I honestly, really, am sorry. I never wanted to make our lives as difficult as they are...but I hope you know if I could take it all back I would.”
“I know that. And thank...but, again, I am still partially to blame.”
“Even so, I can’t help but feel as though this situation you’re in now...I caused it.”
“Kurt, I made the choices I made...I could have said no to going out for a drink with you. I could have gone to Vanguard on my own that day. I could have said no to you when you asked to talk to me outside the restaurant. I could have done a million things different...and so could’ve you.”
“Yeah...I could have decided to be a nicer person. I could have been more honest with you from the get go. I could have decided not to kiss you like I did. I could have...well, I could have done everything different.”
“Yup. I’ve spent the last three weeks starting to work though a lot of crap... Technically, this whole started in that hotel room, but I’m not even sure if I believe that anymore. I think whatever this weird relationship we have started in high school.”
“What does your therapist say about us?”
“Kurt...that’s between me and my doctor.”
“I know...I know...I just thought...”
“I know what you thought. But it doesn’t really work like that, and you know it.”
“Right.” Kurt stared down at the glass he had clasped between his hands, he frowned.
“Look, Kurt...regardless of what she says about you and I...I’m sitting here, next to you on a hotel bed, having a glass of wine and talking. Doesn’t that tell you enough?”
Kurt looked at him with a slightly startled look on his face. “I..I never really thought about that. Does it mean...you know...that you’ve forgiven me?”
“No.”
Kurt’s eyebrow shot up.
“But it does mean that I am on my way to forgiving you. It is going to take time. And work...but I do think that you and I can still be friends.”
“I would like that.” Dave watched as Kurt smiled...but the smile was strained and almost forced in a way. It didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Kurt...you do understand that after everything that’s happened, being your friend, it’s all I can offer.”
“Yes! Of course...I mean, I know that we have a long road ahead of us. And if being your friend at the end of it is all...is what happens, then I’ll be happy. It’s certainly more than I deserve.”
They were both silent for a moment. Both staring at their glasses of wine. Dave reached out and pulled a Red Vine from the package. Then, Kurt asked quietly: “Does Chris know about this friends with me thing?”
“He knows that I am not looking for you and I to be enemies.”
“So, in other words, he doesn’t have the slightest clue that you and I are hanging out like this.”
“I didn’t even know you and I would be hanging out like this.”
“Dave, I just don’t want to make this any worse than it already is.”
“I know. And thank you. But, really, how much worse could it get? Chris isn’t here...regardless of how much I wanted him to be...which makes this break feel pretty final. If he was here, I’d do anything to prove that what you and I have...or had...is done. That all there is between us is friendship.”
“I just don’t want him finding out about this and then completely ending things...I don’t want to hurt you more.”
“Yeah, I know. And I don’t want to go back to be lonely, single Dave. I never felt so fulfilled as I did when I was with Chris.” Dave tossed back his glass of wine in one swallow. He sighed and rolled the glass between his hands. “Maybe I am making even more mistakes...I just don’t know anymore. Fuck...I feel like shit.” Dave nearly whispered. If Kurt heard him, he made no indication of it.
“So...I’m back in New York.” Kurt sputtered out, in an attempt to break the increasingly awkward silence.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. I moved back a couple weeks ago. I got a job at a children’s hospital that needed a new musical therapist. Staying with Rachel right now, till i can find my own place.”
“How’s that?”
“Intense.”
“I bet.”
“I’m working on getting back to me...”
“Sounds like that song from Priscilla.”
“My life is not some cheesy love song from the 1970s.”
“I think it was more about female empowerment.” Dave rolled the glass between his hands, a sad thoughtful expression on his face.
“Well, anyways, I’m working really hard at figuring stuff out. So...even if you did say you wanted more than friendship, I’d say exactly that. I’m too busy finding myself.”
Dave wasn’t sure which of them Kurt was trying to convince. So he just nodded. He could feel Kurt’s eyes on him. Watching him. Evaluating him. Suddenly had the uncontrollable urge to cry. The silence in the room started to get heavier and heavier. Dave could almost feel something building between them - Dave could sense Kurt’s discomfort.
Dave reached for the bottle of wine, hoping that by refilling their glasses that discomfort could be alleviated. But as he stretched out his arm to get the bottle, he brushed Kurt’s thigh. They both froze. The only noise in the room was their even labored breathing. Dave flexed his arm muscles, bringing it closer to Kurt.
Kurt shot up. “Shit, when did it get so late?”
“Kurt...I’m sorry...it was an accident...”
“I know...but it is getting late.”
“It’s only a little after eleven.”
“We both have big days tomorrow.”
“Kurt...?”
“I think I should go to bed.”
“Shit. I made it awkward and weird didn’t I?”
“No. I just think I should go...I have to check on Mercedes before I go to bed.”
“What? Why?”
“To make sure she’s ok.”
“I’m sure she’s fine. Please don’t go…I was enjoying talking to you.”
“Dave, I should really just go.”
“Did I…”
“I’ll talk to you later, if everything is cool with Cedes, maybe I’ll come back for some more wine.”
“Kurt…wait!” But as Dave called out his name, Kurt was already out the door and hurrying down the hall.
Dave sank back down onto the bed, watching the door close behind Kurt’s retreating back. What the fuck had just happened? He had mistakenly touched Kurt. It wasn’t a sign that he wanted them to be together…it was a mistake. Dave just felt increasingly more and more fucked up. And now he was certain that things all the more awkward between them. He reached into the plastic bag and pulled out a Hersey Bar. He unwrapped it and he flopped onto his back. Chewing thoughtfully and staring at the ceiling, he found himself wishing, yet again, that he was back home in Washington, cuddled up with Chris.
But not here…not eating his weight in junk food. Not accidentally sending mixed signals to Kurt Hummel…
Outside, in the hotel elevator, Kurt Hummel jabbed frantically at the button for the seventeenth floor, breathing heavily. In the split second it took for Dave’s arm to touch his leg, Kurt had made a decision. A decision that was going to change everything.