Velcro. (Or, A Million and One Different Ways to start Piecing Together Broken Hearts.) Chapter One
Title: Velcro (Or, A Million and One Different Ways to Start Piecing Together Broken Hearts (Chapter One/?)
Sequel to Dependable. Reliable.
Author: Pulpobsessed.
Pairing: Multiple Pairings.
Characters: This chapter: Dave Karofsky, Kurt Hummel, , and Jess.
Rating: R (for language)
Summary: The impacts of what happened at the reunion start to take shape in Dave's life - eventually forcing Dave to make a life changing decision. This is a story of heart breaks, finding yourself, finding the one you're meant to be with, and of salvation - for more than just one character.
Genre: FutureFic
Disclaimer: Glee belongs to Ryan Murphy. Not me. But this Dave...he's all mine.
A/N. Here is the sequel to Dependable. Reliable. This is not simply a Dave/Kurt story - it is Dave's story. And it's one I can't wait to tell. Stick with me...I promise, you'll enjoy it. Chapters 1,2,3 all work all work as establishing chapters - they are all pretty long - but are very much needed.
You can find all Twelve Chapters of D&R here (it starts at chapter 12, so click on the one to start back at the beginning.)
Chapter One.
Broken hearts want broken necks
I've done some things that I want to forget but I can't
Broke my pace and ran out of time
Sometimes I'm so full of shit that it should be a crime
Modest Mouse, "Broke."
Six months, twenty-three days, nineteen hours thirty-three minutes...or was it thirty-two? No, definitely thirty-three... well actually thirty-four now. Ok, let’s try that again. It has been six months, twenty-three days, nineteen hours and thirty-four minutes since Dave Karofsky last saw Kurt Hummel.
Technically, the last two hundred and five days, yes he really was keeping count, should have been the best two hundred and five days of his life. Instead, Dave had found himself sitting alone most days, depressed and wondering when and if he’d hear from Kurt. Since that day in Lima six months ago, the level of communication between them had become pretty fucking sporadic, and that was a nice way of putting it.
All that combined, meant Dave Karofsky was one pretty fucking pissed off guy.
Six months ago, Dave had travelled back to Lima, Ohio to face his past. And in the midst of all that...facing... Dave and Kurt had formed a connection. Over the course of twenty-four hours, Dave and Kurt had gone from long lost friends, to two men teetering on the edge of... something resembling a relationship, eventually becoming lovers by the end of the night.
Dave was very aware that his entire...imagined...relationship with Kurt was based completely on maybe nine or ten hours in a hotel room. And yeah, this was not the most solid foundation on which to construct the type of expectations that he and Kurt had developed...but it was a foundations. Although, over the past six months it seemed as though Dave was the only construction worker building anything on that damn site.
In Lima, so many amazing things had been said and done. Things that gave Dave hope - a lot of hope - for the future. For a possible relationship with Kurt. Promises were made. Promises to talk every day. Promises of visits. Promises of deepening the connection they had found in that hotel room in Lima.
All those promises now seemed to lie scattered around Dave, wasted, tarnished...broken. They had lost their sheen...the words and the ideas of those promises had lost whatever hope they might have once held for Dave.
Dave had laid it all out there. Every emotion. Every desire. All of it. And Kurt had stomped all over it.
Dave sighed and he lifted his wine glass to his lips. He was sitting at his kitchen table, a plate of mushroom risotto sitting, forgotten, in front of him. He had actually felt like cooking when he got home from work today, but as soon as he sat down to eat...he was just not interested anymore. Although, he was mentally checking whether or not he still had a bag of chips in his cupboard.
His appetite usually disappeared whenever he would started thinking about everything Kurt had said back in Lima...which meant that his insides would get tied up in knots - he imagined them resembling something like a pretzel. This happened much too often for Dave’s liking...and every time it did, he’d just get even more pissed off.
I’m not giving this up.
That was one of the last things Kurt had said to him - those exact words - before he got in his car and drove away. I’m not giving this up... For weeks, Dave had lived off those words - they had become a mantra for him. Every time Kurt didn’t return a phone call or text message...he’d repeat them to himself. And then, slowly, Dave started to realize that a few words were not tangible and solid enough for him to hang on to. And slowly Dave’s perspective shifted, he realized that Kurt had given up...only he seemed unable to inform Dave of this fact.
“Fucker.” Dave grumbled under his breath.
Dave had kept his promise. He had called Kurt as soon as he was back in Washington. After a brief pit-stop at a McDonalds, where Jess inhaled a ten pack of chicken McNuggets, he’d stumbled into his condo. He’d then hurriedly gotten ready for bed, not wanting to be vertical any longer than necessary. Then, once he was lying in bed, he’d called Kurt...sure it had been like two am, but for some ridiculous reason Dave had expected Kurt to answer...even if just to tell Dave that he was sleeping and they’d talk tomorrow. Instead Dave had gotten voicemail:
“Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Kurt Hummel. I can’t get to my phone right now, but if you leave a message, I’ll call you right back!”
Dave could remember word for word the message he’d left... It was seared into his brain.
“Oh, hey Kurt. It’s Dave. Ok, I was kinda expecting you to pick up. But you’re probably asleep...lord knows we both need to get some actual sleep after last night. But I kinda wanted to talk to you. Your text messages made it sound like something was wrong, I wanted to make sure you’re ok. Please call me back, ok? I miss you. I had such an amazing time with you today... or yesterday, now, I guess. It was like some kind of crazy dream - but I know it was real. It was amazing. So yeah... call me tomorrow, ok. Or you can call me tonight if you get this...I’ll leave my ringer on loud if you need me. Hope you’re ok. Bye.”
And then came a long period of silence.
Dave had no idea what the hell had happened. One minutes they were blissfully happy and content with the idea of developing something between them, and then... Kurt seemed to shut down completely.
*********
*Six Months Earlier*
The day after leaving a rambling message on Kurt’s voicemail, Dave got a text message as he was walking out of a mid-day meeting at work. It was short and rather terse: Got your message. Sorry, phone was on silent. I’m ok. Talk tonight?
Dave, breathing out a sigh of relief that Kurt was ok, quickly tapped out a response: Yes! Of course. What time do you want to talk? I’ll get home around 7.
Dave had to wait pretty much the rest of the day before a response arrived, but, as he was leaving work, Kurt finally replied: Was really busy...sorry. Talk around 9 or so?
Dave sat in his car, an old Modest Mouse track playing on his iPod, as he stared at Kurt’s text. In his gut he knew something was not right. Something was off. The tone of Kurt’s texts were different...the day before they had been excited and warm...today, they were terse and cold. As though Kurt was unsure of himself about talking to Dave...or he was having regrets...what was going on? Dave had no idea how to go forward...should he address his worries, or just forge ahead as though he wasn’t starting to freak out.
He went with the second option, replying: 9 is great. Gives me time to get to store and then eat before we talk. Looking forward to it!
There had been no response. Dave was genuinely confused and concerned now.
That night Dave had to leave yet another voice mail for Kurt. This time, however, Kurt called back within the hour. Dave, who had been watching CNN, had nearly fallen off his couch while scrambling to grab the phone.
“Hello...Kurt!?” He practically yelled into the phone.
“Dave? Are you ok?”
“Yeah. Yeah. I’m ok. Guess I was just a little too over eager.” He immediately blushed at just how excited he’d been over the idea of talking to Kurt.
“That’s kinda cute.”
“Um, thanks...I think.”
Kurt’s laughter rang in Dave’s ear - best sound ever. “You’re welcome. God, it’s good to finally talk to you.”
“Kurt, is everything ok?”
Kurt paused. He seemed unsure as to how he continue. He sighed deeply. “I’m not sure, Dave.”
“What’s going on?”
“Finn’s disappeared.”
“Yeah, I remember that from yesterday...”
“No, I mean, no one seems to know where he is. He left a drunk message on Rachel’s phone last night that said he needed to get away from everything for a long time. And then he just blipped off the map.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah. He won’t answer his phone or return his texts. Quinn and I have been calling his Marine friends and some other guys that we know he stays with when he gets like this... nobody seems to know where he is. Carole is beside herself. My dad is just getting pissed...I’m worried about his health. Dave...what if...”
“Don’t finish that thought.”
“But...”
“No, Kurt. This will drive you crazy if you do this. You can’t just sit there dreaming up insane and horrible fantasies about what might or might not happen to him. You said yourself, he disappears all the time and will show up in time.”
“I know... I’m just...”
“Scared. I know. I’m scared for you.”
“Thank you.”
“I wish you were here. I’d be hugging you so tight right now.” Dave’s voice dropped slightly.
“That would be wonderful. Really.”
“You know...you could come visit this weekend?”
“Dave...”
“What? I know we said we would wait a little while or something, but you’re upset and I want to see you and help...plus, it’s a three hour train trip...or I could come to...”
“Dave...stop...I’m not in New York.”
“Oh?”
“I’m still in Lima. I can’t leave yet.”
“Kurt...”
“I need to make sure he’s ok. I need to look after my dad.”
“Kurt...I understand you’re worried and you want to make sure your dad and Finn are ok, but you can’t put your life on hold because of Finn. And what about Carole?”
Silence....
Dave knew that if he said what he wanted to say next that this conversation would go downhill fast. Dave could feel his training straining to take over...he knew Kurt would balk at everything he was about to say. But maybe Kurt needed to just hear it.
“Kurt... if you keep doing this and keep letting him dictate your life, he won’t realize that he is fucking things up.”
“And what am I supposed to do?” Kurt’s voice had changed. He was getting pissed off - but Dave had opened the door, he had to go all the way through.
“Let him fuck up. Let him realize that he’s screwing with your life. With all of your lives.”
“So, what, we’re supposed to abandon him?”
“No, I never said that. I meant that he needs to see that his actions have an effect. A really bad effect. If you keep telling him everything will be ok every time he does something like this, well it won’t stop. He’ll keep doing shitty things and then come crawling back because you take care of him.”
“I’m not leaving my brother to be crushed by his depression and drink himself to death, David.”
“When did I say that’s what I think you should do?”
“Well, that’s what you mean isn’t?”
“No, Kurt. I meant that he needs to realize that he is hurting you. And by saying, I can’t do this anymore Finn...either you get the help you need or I won’t be here...that might just be enough to push him towards getting help.”
Kurt was silent for a moment, but Dave could hear the steady angry breathing on the other end. “I have to be here to look after him, I can’t let Dad and Carole do it. And I’m not going to just walk away from him - make him think we don’t care.”
“Kurt... that’s not...”
“You don’t get what I’m going through at all.” Kurt muttered, clearly pissed.
“I do. He thinks what he’s doing is ok. But it’s not - you know it’s not. Look, I know you want to help Finn, but you can’t do that unless he’s willing to help himself. And he needs a shock to the system.”
“So, I should drop him and come visit you so we can play at being a couple for a weekend?”
“Jesus Kurt, I didn’t mean that! And why do you sound like being with me is such a bad idea! I was just saying you should visit me so I could help you deal with this shit. I want to be here for you Kurt...I want to...”
“Look, David... I get that. And it’s sweet of you. But I think I know what I need to do right now.”
“Kurt...just let me...”
“I should probably go, Dave.”
“But we just started talking!”
“I’m tired and I think Carole is making some tea.”
“Fuck the tea Kurt. Talk to me. Please.”
“I’ll text you tomorrow. Ok.”
Dave knew he wan’t going to win. So, defeated, he mumbled, “Ok, fine. Talk to you soon. Bye, Kurt.”
“Bye.”
“Kurt...I miss...” But the line was already dead.
Dave sat on his couch with is head in his hands. Totally confused as to what had just happened. Why the fuck had Kurt just jumped to such extreme conclusions... Kurt was doing that martyr thing again. He had to be the one in pain. He was the only one who knew what pain was.
Dave sighed. Tossing his phone to side in exasperation. It hadn’t even been fourty-eight hours and he’d already managed to fuck up what was supposed to be the best relationship he’d ever had. He pushed himself up from the couch and went into the kitchen...he could feel a familiar burn starting to form behind his eyes.
***************
Dave had sent Kurt a few text messages the following day. Mostly apologetic. He stressed over whether he had pushed Kurt too far. That, when Kurt just wanted someone to listen to him and understand what he was dealing with, Dave had gone to the social work place and tried to fix things... which is what set Kurt off.
Dave tried to do some damage control. Offering to listen to Kurt no matter what. Saying sorry for trying to micromanage Kurt’s life and involvement with Finn. He extended his offer for Kurt to visit, or Dave to visit him. Essentially, Dave just tried to make sure that Kurt knew he was there...
He got the occasional response.
Three days after their argument on the phone, Kurt called him. Dave was sitting on his couch watching an old re-run of CSI, he barely glanced at the caller ID before answering.
“Hello?”
“Dave?”
“Kurt! Hi. Sorry, hold on.”
“Oh ok.”
Dave grabbed the remote. “Sorry, I had to turn the tv off.”
“What were you watching?”
“Just some old crime show.”
“Oh cool.”
“You ok?”
“Dave...we need to talk.”
Dave knew those words all too well. He also knew Kurt’s tone equally as well. He was about to get a breakup speech...a breakup from a relationship that had barely just started. Hell, it was pretty much a non-relationship at this point. “Oh...well, shit.”
“Dave...”
“What Kurt?” Dave sighed, frustrated and getting angry. “You going to tell me that it’s not me, it’s you? Or how about you just can’t handle a relationship right now? Or how about, why don’t we try and be friends. Fuck, Kurt.”
“I’m so sorry...”
“What happened, Kurt? What happened since Sunday - less than five days ago! What happened to make you suddenly not want us? Cause it seemed like you were pretty into the idea of us on Sunday. Is this just about Finn? I somehow don’t imagine it is. Is this because of that fight the other night...you know if you’d return one of my calls or texts you’d know how sorry I am! I was just trying to help the other night. Honest, I wasn’t trying to tell you what to do. I just want to help... What happened?”
“Finn.” Kurt said sadly, as though that one word spoke volumes. As though the name carried all the excuses Kurt needed.
“Fuck. I told you...I wanted to be there with you...no, I WANT to be there with you. That’s not going to change. And you’re telling me that you don’t want to try - that you don’t want me there - considering everything that happened on the weekend...you just want us to end? All because Finn is fucking up? All because you think I won’t support you?”
“Dave, it’s complicated.”
“Then explain it to me.”
“Things are a mess right now.”
“You keep telling me that. Can you be a little more specific.” Dave was trying to keep his voice in check... trying not to let the hurt and the anger come through, but he could tell his was about to break.
“Finn did something very stupid. And he needs us...he needs me.”
“What happened?” Dave pressed the tips of his fingers against his forehead.
“He got behind the wheel of a car...”
“Drunk?”
“Yeah.”
“Jesus.”
“He’s been arrested.”
“Are they detaining him?”
“No, we don’t think he’ll get jail time, probably just a significant fine...or something like that. We’re not sure on the particulars yet. He made me call an lawyer friend of his, who he knew when he was overseas.” Kurt relayed this as though he was reading it from a report of some kind - his voice was flat, almost emotionless. Dave had no idea what to think.
Every fiber in his being wanted the answer to his next question to be yes: “Do you want me to come to Lima?”
“No, I don’t. Dave... I need to be with my family right now. I’m taking a leave from work.”
“Kurt, that doesn’t mean I can be there to support you.”
“Dave I can’t handle dealing with you and a new relationship, while dealing with this thing with Finn...”
“Kurt...” Dave’s voice was finally breaking. He could practically hear the tears.
“No, Dave...let me talk, ok? Look, everything that happened on the weekend was amazing. It really really was. And yeah, I do want something with you - more than I can even say. But, I can’t deal with having both this whole Finn debacle, making sure my dad doesn’t take a trip down heart-attack lane, and you - whether its here or in Washington... I don’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you, and I know you’re just trying to help...and that means so much to me. But I’m already feeling stretched way too thin as it is...a relationship right now would just do me in. I want there to be an us, Dave, I do...but I just don’t have room for ‘us’ right now.”
Dave was starting to get mad. Mad at Kurt. Mad at Finn. Mad at...himself for not getting on a plane and going back to Lima. He sat there silently... soaking in everything Kurt had just said. He’d taken a risk on Kurt. A big risk. And for five minutes it had seemed like it would pay off...now, Kurt was telling him that risk was worthless.
“Dave... are you still there? Say something.”
“Fuck you.” Dave growled, his voice was a mix between absolute rage and total broken heartedness..
“Well... clearly showing off your extremely large vocabulary will help this conversation.”
“Fuck off, Kurt. I get to be hurt right now ok. You’re being a fucking prick and so I get to be mad and hurt...so just fuck you.”
“Yes...you’re right. I’m sorry.”
Dave went silent again... he could feel the pain building. “Fuck...this is just not right. This is just not fair. You can’t just put your life on hold.” He mumbled.
“We’ve been through this Dave. It’s my family. It’s my dad...”
“So, we don’t even have a shot because...”
“I just can’t do this right now.”
“Nothing you’ve said is a good enough reason.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“You...you... were supposed to be different. You were different. You made me excited about the idea of a relationship again... and now, you’re doing this. Fuck, Kurt. This is not fair.” Dave’s voice cracked, heavily. He could feel the tears start to well up in his eyes. This could not be happening. Not after Adam. Not after that amazing weekend. Not after all the things they said to each other. “All I want is to be with you Kurt. You said you wanted the same. You told me you weren’t giving up. Well this looks like you’re giving up.”
“Dave.” Kurt’s voice was also starting to break. Dave could hear the tears.
“Let me come to Lima. Let me come be with you. Let me support you! Let me be the boyfriend you need right now.” Dave could tell he was about to start begging.
“No.”
“Why? I have vacation days saved up? I can tell them its an emergency! I can get a flight tonight... let me be there for you!”
“I don’t want you. I’m sorry... but I just don’t”
Dave was shaken by Kurt’s phrasing. “You...don’t want me?”
“I don’t want you here, Dave. I don’t want you here, in Lima.”
“Why... just tell me why?” Dave managed to choke out.
“Dave, it’s not a good idea. You’ll distract me from what I need to do with Finn...” Kurt’s voice broke completely. He started to cry.
“Don’t cry Kurt. Please.” Dave broke too and started crying.
They sat on the phone for a while, crying. Finally, both seemed able to slowly calm down. Dave sucked in a number of deep breaths...he had to get control of himself.
“You still there?” Kurt whispered into the phone.
“Not going anywhere. I promise.”
“I...I...”
“Kurt, please don’t do this... I can help you, I know I can. I’ll do anything. I’ll be anywhere you need me to be...but please, Kurt...don’t end us when we’ve barely begun.”
“I’m confused. I don’t know what to do.”
“How can I help?”
“Can...can you just give me time? Just some time to deal with this Finn stuff and get my shit back together.”
“Are you asking me to wait for you.”
“I don’t know...”
“Kurt...I wi...”
“Will you wait for me?” Kurt hurriedly breathed out. As though he was at risk of of losing the ability to say it.
“Yes, of course I will.”
“Thank you...”
“But you have to promise me something...”
“What?”
“Promise me that you’ll call and text and not just forget about me. That we’ll talk. That you won’t just disappear?”
“I can try.”
“That’s not really good enough for me.”
“It’s the best I can give.”
“Then, I don’t know... Kurt... I need more than that. You seemed ready to drop up, what’s to stop it from happening again?”
“I don’t know Dave, but all I can give is ‘try.”
Dave sighed. Was he strong enough to carry this relationship on his own until Kurt could give something of himself. Was the promise of trying enough... ”Just don’t give up on us. Not after what happened in Lima.”
“I..I’ll do my best.”
“God, Kurt... what happened...why did this happen?”
“Dave, my family...they’re everything to me.”
“I know...”
“I just need time, Dave...please. Give me time to deal with Finn and get life back into order.”
“I can give you time, Kurt. But I can’t wait forever...”
“I’ll get there as fast as I can.”
**************************
*Six Months Later*
He was still waiting...
Dave twirled the wine glass between his fingers. He stared at the deep red liquid, lost in thought.
Kurt had done exactly what Dave had asked him not to. He had distanced himself. Seemed to disappear off the map more than once. Dave didn’t even know what was happening with Finn anymore. It was as if Kurt liked having Dave waiting in the wings...
This was never supposed to happen. He and Kurt were supposed to still be basking in the honeymoon stage of their relationship - discovering their likes and dislikes, learning as much about each other as they could, having as much amazing sex as humanly possible. Instead, Dave was sitting alone in his kitchen, seriously pissed off at the status of his life.
And he couldn’t help but blame Finn... somehow Finn had managed to dictate the logistics of his relationship with Kurt...namely that there wasn’t going to be one.
For the first few weeks after that last conversation, Dave and Kurt managed to talk on a regular basis - texting often, chatting on the phone every couple of days. Dave started to feel like they might even get past the awfulness of their fight, and maybe get back to the supportive state they’d had back in Lima. But about a month after, Dave started noticing that Kurt was pulling away. The phone calls became text messages. And the text messages slowly became emails. Now Dave was lucky if he got an email every couple of days and a text message maybe once a week.
Dave slowly started to become paranoid. Kurt had been sidestepping the issue for weeks now. Often avoiding the question whenever Dave would bring it up...telling Dave that he he just needed more time. Exactly how much time Kurt needed, Dave had no idea. Dave finally brought it up with the only people who he knew might have some insight into what the fuck was going on. Mercedes and Az.
If there was one thing Dave could claim as a success about the reunion it was his renewed friendship with Azimo. Ever since the reunion they talked at least once week, but in actuality more like three or four times a week. And they were planning a boy’s weekend in DC at the end of the month.
Azimo often noticed Dave’s frustration over the situation with Kurt and tried to reassure him. But in reality, Az had no idea what was going on in the boy’s head any more than Dave did. Az had said that the day Dave had left Lima after the reunion, Kurt had been filled with excitement over the possibilities he saw in Dave. Talking excitedly about the night they had spent together. How he was hoping to visit Dave in DC as soon as he could. And for Dave to visit him in New York.
But then a call came from Rachel. That Finn had completely disappeared. That the message he’d left on her voicemail sounded as though something very bad had happened or was going to happen. And suddenly the promise of a relationship with Dave started to disappear. The idea of Dave as a safety net and support system was just not enough anymore. As to why... neither Mercedes or Azimo could explain. They witnessed a change in Kurt that they had never seen before.
After the argument with Dave, Kurt had started ranting about how Dave was trying to tell him how to deal with Finn. How Dave was micromanaging his life. Namely, Mercedes said, Kurt blew everything Dave said out of proportion.
But then, when Dave agreed to wait for Kurt, it was as though everything stopped. Kurt had gone on about how fantastic Dave was to be willing to wait...but even that quickly stopped being a point of interest. He just became focused on helping Finn. Every time Mercedes talked to Kurt, there was a new plan. A new idea. A new way of getting Finn out of his problems.
And it seemed as though Finn was resisting every single one of them...exactly as Dave figured he would.
Because of Kurt’s fixation on Finn’s predicament, Mercedes and Az were as much in the dark as he was about what was going on with the ‘almost relationship’. So Dave was stuck. Stuck in a holding pattern. Stuck being pissed off because he couldn’t move on with his life.
Dave picked up his glass, drinking the rest of the wine in one gulp.
Fuck, he was so tired of feeling like shit.
Getting up from the table he picked up his plate and moved to the counter to put the remains away in a tupperware container. He gripped the edge of the counter. He was tired of this. With a growl he snatched up his phone.
It only rang once.
“Hello mister.”
‘Jess...”
“Shit. You sound like hell. What’s up?”
“I’m fucking tired of this bullshit with Kurt. I don’t know what to do...I can’t do this anymore. I barely eat. I barely sleep. I...fuck.” Dave barely vocalized the end of the sentence, it came out more as a frustrated sigh.
“Finally! The boy comes to his senses. We’ve spent weeks...no, months, wallowing in self pity ... and finally, finally you realize that you’re better than this.”
“I feel like I’m putting my whole life on hold...All I want is an answer. All I want is a fucking phone call! I mean, if things with Finn are really this bad, then talk to me. But to just leave me hanging this way... it’s just so fucking frustrating and surprising. It doesn’t strike me as something Kurt would do.”
“Sweetie - I agree. You deserve an answer. You more than just deserve one. You’re entitled to one. I’m really sorry that Kurt’s personal life has totally imploded, but he can’t just expect you to sit happily on the sidelines waiting for him to throw you a bone.”
“So what should I do? Tell him that? Force the issue? Should I get on a fucking plane and go see him? Or just assume that nothing will ever happen?”
“Somehow I don’t think the getting on a plane idea would be that smart.”
“Well, what else am I supposed to do, Jess? Just sit here and wait. Or call him and tell him to fuck off? Or just assume that he’s already moved on...I mean I haven’t heard from him in almost two weeks.”
“Dave, what do you want to do?”
“I thought I wanted Kurt...but now, I don’t know. I don’t even think I do want this anymore.”
“And what happens when you do try to force the issue?”
“He avoids me.”
“It’s possible that he just really doesn’t know what he wants.”
“Well, he certainly chose a really unique way to express that.”
“Personally, I think...”
“Jess, you’ve told me a number of times exactly what you think...”
“Well, he’s being an asshole.”
“I know.” Dave sighed, rubbing the ridge of his nose. He could feel a stress headache coming on. “I’m just so incredibly tired of being pissed off about this.”
“Dave, honey, have you thought about just...I don’t know... not stressing about Kurt and what the fuck is going to happen.”
“Yeah, every day.”
“Well...what I mean, and don’t get mad, is maybe you need to go back to living your life. Go back to having fun. I mean, you got out of a three year thing with Adam and then you stressed over the reunion, then the reunion happened and now you’re stressed over Kurt and what might or might not happen. Why not just put it out of your head. Try to forget it and have fun. And if in the midst of having fun, something might or might not happen with Kurt.”
“You know I’m not very good at doing stuff like that Jess. You know I stress and worry over everything.”
“Well, this whole Kurt thing is not exactly stupid shit. But you can’t spend the next... I don’t know... but you can’t just sit alone at home being pissed off until he decides he wants you, or doesn’t. That’s not you. And its not fucking healthy!”
“I don’t know, Jess, I just don’t fucking know. Part of me wants to hold out for him - I mean, it was so amazing being with him; but at the same time, I know I can’t keep doing this.”
“Dave you’ve spent the last five months being a stressball because of this whole thing, maybe it is time to let go, but be open to more possibilities.”
“So your advice is...”
“Be open to the idea that Kurt might, just might, come around. But in case he doesn’t, don’t shut down every single opportunity that might come your way. But most importantly, don’t shut down your life. Because that’s exactly what you’re doing Dave! You’re barely living - you go from work to home and sit and watch TV all night in the hopes that your phone will make a noise. We never go out. And all we ever talk about when you call is Kurt and what you should do!”
“I’m sorry...please don’t get mad at me.”
“I’m not mad at you, Dave. I’m mad at Kurt. I’m mad at the situation. I’m mad that you have to feel this way...I mean we finally get you out of the awfulness of Adam and then this starts up...and I hate what this is doing to you. It’s pissing me off.” Jess was clearly angry. Dave rarely heard her talk in that tone.
“I know...I know... God, I hate this.”
“Then stop letting him do this to you. Are you happy?”
“No. I’m miserable.”
“Then stop focusing on this thing with Kurt and just start living your life again.”
“Easier said than done.”
“Dave...”
“I know... I’m not happy, and I need to let go. But when I think about letting go, I start to freak out, because I start questioning what might happen if I meet someone.”
“Dave... if something happens, it happens. If you and Kurt are meant to be, then that will happen. If you and some mystery man happens, it happens. If you’re supposed to be a celibate single monk for the rest of your life...well, I’ll help you go shopping for a good scratchy brown robe to start wearing.”
“I don’t think Marc Jacobs makes those.”
“Dave, all I’m saying is maybe you just need to relax a little and stop siting around at home moping and feeling sorry for yourself.”
“Sadly, it’s what I’m best at.”
“And I’ve spent ten years trying to get you to stop it.”
“Not doing such a great job there, hon.”
“Just promise me you’ll try to stop obsessing and try relaxing a bit more?”
“I’ll try. I promise.”
“Good.”
“Want to go out this weekend - break me out of this funk?”
“Yes! God! We’ll drink and dance this Kurt melancholia out of you.”
“Great...” Dave rolled his eyes.
“Dave I promise you, this will all be ok.”
“I know...” Dave sighed. “Can we talk about something else? What are you doing? All ok?”
“Sure...I’m good. Marking quizzes. So you know, crazy exciting over here. Oh! That guy, Todd, from the other week, he’s still trying to get a second date.”
“So, say yes. You liked him.”
“I don’t know. He wasn’t really all that great...”
“What was wrong with him?”
“Nothing really, just not into him.”
“You are the pickiest person I have ever met.”
“I just know what I want.”
“No, you have an idealized image of a guy in your head...one no man will ever be able to live up to.”
“Oh piss off...you’re one to talk!”
“I know, I know. I’m just saying that this Todd guy might be a great guy... so why not just give it a go before you totally write him off.”
“I’ll think about it. I just want my tall dark and handsome stranger...”
“Maybe Todd is your stranger...”
“Honey, Todd knits... knits! That does not scream tall, dark or mysterious. That screams, ‘hey come look at my doily collection’, so no... definitely not dark and mysterious, more I still live with my mom.”
“Will he make me a new scarf? I need one.”
“I’ll buy you a fucking scarf.”
“Careful what you offer...I have expensive tastes.”
“Oh, I know. What are you doing?” “TV. Chips. Wine.”
“Yeah. We’re so going out on Saturday - anything to get you away from your couch and junk food.”
“Anything to get me away from my own brain for a while too, please.”
“I’ll have you so drunk on Saturday night that you won’t even know your last name.”
“Sunday will be fun then...and I’m not singing you that damn Carrie Underwood song.”
“Whatever...I’ll get you to sing for me eventually. Ok, I’m going back to marking.”
“Thanks for the pep talk.”
“Anytime. Call you tomorrow.”
“Deal. Enjoy the quizzes.”
Dave ended the call. He knew Jess was right. He wasn’t exactly living his life to its fullest these days. He spent most of his days working, stressing about what Kurt would or wouldn’t say or do, and then being depressed in his apartment at night. Which usually meant horrible eating habits, drinking too much wine, and watching awful TV. He couldn’t remember the last time he went out with friends - not even Jess. Because he would stress about missing a phone call from Kurt.
He needed to relax. He needed to let go.
But perhaps most of all, he just needed to move on... try to push this whole situation with Kurt out of his mind for a while.
Jess was right, if it was meant to happen with Kurt, then it would happen. But sitting around, worrying over it... was doing nothing. Kurt’s silence over the past couple weeks, along with his obvious move at distancing himself from Dave was sending some pretty clear signals...this thing between them was never going to be a thing.
So, Dave had to do what was best for him....he had start living.
*********************************
Dave sincerely wished that he had an actual alarm clocks with a snooze button, because right now he would really love to slam his hand down to silence the god-awful noise that was invading his bedroom. Instead, he groped blindly for his phone.
Once the noise had been silenced, he opened his eyes slowly. Thursday...he could handle Thursday. Thursday usually meant centre admin meetings, a meeting of at least one of the youth groups that he ran, a bunch of one-on-one session with his most at risk kids, and then some paper work or something... then, maybe the gym.
Yeah, he could do Thursday.
As he lay there, planning out his day, random thoughts of Kurt popped into into his mind. Although the very last thing he really wanted was to wake up with the same torturous thoughts about Kurt that he had so many mornings in the past six months...it seemed as though Kurt was never really all that far off in his brain. Suddenly, the idea of figuring out if he needed to talk about funding sources at the morning’s meetings was replaced by thoughts of what Kurt was doing right now. Was he thinking about Dave? Would today be the day he called Dave?
No! Stop it. Kurt’s not here. Kurt’s not anywhere. He didn’t want Dave - that much was starting to be clear. Dave had to do what he Jess had talked about. It was time Kurt got pushed out of his head. He had to stop this.
“Fuck!” Dave shouted to the empty room. The only reason he was so obsessed with Kurt was because he didn’t know what was going on. He had no idea. If he knew for certain that Kurt wanted this to be over, then Dave would have moved on a long time ago - he would have gone on dates with other guys. He would have painted his living room... He would have done a million things...but this holding pattern, it was killing him.
He had had his time with Kurt... it was finished now.
“Enough!” Dave grumbled angrily. “Enough of this!”
He grabbed his phone off the nightstand and hammered out a text to Kurt.
There, he thought, that has to solve things. It has to. Kurt had to respond to it - either to fully end things or try to keep this...thing... with Dave on life support even longer.
But Dave was pretty sure that he needed - and wanted - to just pull the damn plug.
“I want my life back.” Dave’s mood started to darken even more as he shuffled into the bathroom to start his day. “And I want it back now.”
Sequel to Dependable. Reliable.
Author: Pulpobsessed.
Pairing: Multiple Pairings.
Characters: This chapter: Dave Karofsky, Kurt Hummel, , and Jess.
Rating: R (for language)
Summary: The impacts of what happened at the reunion start to take shape in Dave's life - eventually forcing Dave to make a life changing decision. This is a story of heart breaks, finding yourself, finding the one you're meant to be with, and of salvation - for more than just one character.
Genre: FutureFic
Disclaimer: Glee belongs to Ryan Murphy. Not me. But this Dave...he's all mine.
A/N. Here is the sequel to Dependable. Reliable. This is not simply a Dave/Kurt story - it is Dave's story. And it's one I can't wait to tell. Stick with me...I promise, you'll enjoy it. Chapters 1,2,3 all work all work as establishing chapters - they are all pretty long - but are very much needed.
You can find all Twelve Chapters of D&R here (it starts at chapter 12, so click on the one to start back at the beginning.)
Chapter One.
Broken hearts want broken necks
I've done some things that I want to forget but I can't
Broke my pace and ran out of time
Sometimes I'm so full of shit that it should be a crime
Modest Mouse, "Broke."
Six months, twenty-three days, nineteen hours thirty-three minutes...or was it thirty-two? No, definitely thirty-three... well actually thirty-four now. Ok, let’s try that again. It has been six months, twenty-three days, nineteen hours and thirty-four minutes since Dave Karofsky last saw Kurt Hummel.
Technically, the last two hundred and five days, yes he really was keeping count, should have been the best two hundred and five days of his life. Instead, Dave had found himself sitting alone most days, depressed and wondering when and if he’d hear from Kurt. Since that day in Lima six months ago, the level of communication between them had become pretty fucking sporadic, and that was a nice way of putting it.
All that combined, meant Dave Karofsky was one pretty fucking pissed off guy.
Six months ago, Dave had travelled back to Lima, Ohio to face his past. And in the midst of all that...facing... Dave and Kurt had formed a connection. Over the course of twenty-four hours, Dave and Kurt had gone from long lost friends, to two men teetering on the edge of... something resembling a relationship, eventually becoming lovers by the end of the night.
Dave was very aware that his entire...imagined...relationship with Kurt was based completely on maybe nine or ten hours in a hotel room. And yeah, this was not the most solid foundation on which to construct the type of expectations that he and Kurt had developed...but it was a foundations. Although, over the past six months it seemed as though Dave was the only construction worker building anything on that damn site.
In Lima, so many amazing things had been said and done. Things that gave Dave hope - a lot of hope - for the future. For a possible relationship with Kurt. Promises were made. Promises to talk every day. Promises of visits. Promises of deepening the connection they had found in that hotel room in Lima.
All those promises now seemed to lie scattered around Dave, wasted, tarnished...broken. They had lost their sheen...the words and the ideas of those promises had lost whatever hope they might have once held for Dave.
Dave had laid it all out there. Every emotion. Every desire. All of it. And Kurt had stomped all over it.
Dave sighed and he lifted his wine glass to his lips. He was sitting at his kitchen table, a plate of mushroom risotto sitting, forgotten, in front of him. He had actually felt like cooking when he got home from work today, but as soon as he sat down to eat...he was just not interested anymore. Although, he was mentally checking whether or not he still had a bag of chips in his cupboard.
His appetite usually disappeared whenever he would started thinking about everything Kurt had said back in Lima...which meant that his insides would get tied up in knots - he imagined them resembling something like a pretzel. This happened much too often for Dave’s liking...and every time it did, he’d just get even more pissed off.
I’m not giving this up.
That was one of the last things Kurt had said to him - those exact words - before he got in his car and drove away. I’m not giving this up... For weeks, Dave had lived off those words - they had become a mantra for him. Every time Kurt didn’t return a phone call or text message...he’d repeat them to himself. And then, slowly, Dave started to realize that a few words were not tangible and solid enough for him to hang on to. And slowly Dave’s perspective shifted, he realized that Kurt had given up...only he seemed unable to inform Dave of this fact.
“Fucker.” Dave grumbled under his breath.
Dave had kept his promise. He had called Kurt as soon as he was back in Washington. After a brief pit-stop at a McDonalds, where Jess inhaled a ten pack of chicken McNuggets, he’d stumbled into his condo. He’d then hurriedly gotten ready for bed, not wanting to be vertical any longer than necessary. Then, once he was lying in bed, he’d called Kurt...sure it had been like two am, but for some ridiculous reason Dave had expected Kurt to answer...even if just to tell Dave that he was sleeping and they’d talk tomorrow. Instead Dave had gotten voicemail:
“Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Kurt Hummel. I can’t get to my phone right now, but if you leave a message, I’ll call you right back!”
Dave could remember word for word the message he’d left... It was seared into his brain.
“Oh, hey Kurt. It’s Dave. Ok, I was kinda expecting you to pick up. But you’re probably asleep...lord knows we both need to get some actual sleep after last night. But I kinda wanted to talk to you. Your text messages made it sound like something was wrong, I wanted to make sure you’re ok. Please call me back, ok? I miss you. I had such an amazing time with you today... or yesterday, now, I guess. It was like some kind of crazy dream - but I know it was real. It was amazing. So yeah... call me tomorrow, ok. Or you can call me tonight if you get this...I’ll leave my ringer on loud if you need me. Hope you’re ok. Bye.”
And then came a long period of silence.
Dave had no idea what the hell had happened. One minutes they were blissfully happy and content with the idea of developing something between them, and then... Kurt seemed to shut down completely.
*********
*Six Months Earlier*
The day after leaving a rambling message on Kurt’s voicemail, Dave got a text message as he was walking out of a mid-day meeting at work. It was short and rather terse: Got your message. Sorry, phone was on silent. I’m ok. Talk tonight?
Dave, breathing out a sigh of relief that Kurt was ok, quickly tapped out a response: Yes! Of course. What time do you want to talk? I’ll get home around 7.
Dave had to wait pretty much the rest of the day before a response arrived, but, as he was leaving work, Kurt finally replied: Was really busy...sorry. Talk around 9 or so?
Dave sat in his car, an old Modest Mouse track playing on his iPod, as he stared at Kurt’s text. In his gut he knew something was not right. Something was off. The tone of Kurt’s texts were different...the day before they had been excited and warm...today, they were terse and cold. As though Kurt was unsure of himself about talking to Dave...or he was having regrets...what was going on? Dave had no idea how to go forward...should he address his worries, or just forge ahead as though he wasn’t starting to freak out.
He went with the second option, replying: 9 is great. Gives me time to get to store and then eat before we talk. Looking forward to it!
There had been no response. Dave was genuinely confused and concerned now.
That night Dave had to leave yet another voice mail for Kurt. This time, however, Kurt called back within the hour. Dave, who had been watching CNN, had nearly fallen off his couch while scrambling to grab the phone.
“Hello...Kurt!?” He practically yelled into the phone.
“Dave? Are you ok?”
“Yeah. Yeah. I’m ok. Guess I was just a little too over eager.” He immediately blushed at just how excited he’d been over the idea of talking to Kurt.
“That’s kinda cute.”
“Um, thanks...I think.”
Kurt’s laughter rang in Dave’s ear - best sound ever. “You’re welcome. God, it’s good to finally talk to you.”
“Kurt, is everything ok?”
Kurt paused. He seemed unsure as to how he continue. He sighed deeply. “I’m not sure, Dave.”
“What’s going on?”
“Finn’s disappeared.”
“Yeah, I remember that from yesterday...”
“No, I mean, no one seems to know where he is. He left a drunk message on Rachel’s phone last night that said he needed to get away from everything for a long time. And then he just blipped off the map.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah. He won’t answer his phone or return his texts. Quinn and I have been calling his Marine friends and some other guys that we know he stays with when he gets like this... nobody seems to know where he is. Carole is beside herself. My dad is just getting pissed...I’m worried about his health. Dave...what if...”
“Don’t finish that thought.”
“But...”
“No, Kurt. This will drive you crazy if you do this. You can’t just sit there dreaming up insane and horrible fantasies about what might or might not happen to him. You said yourself, he disappears all the time and will show up in time.”
“I know... I’m just...”
“Scared. I know. I’m scared for you.”
“Thank you.”
“I wish you were here. I’d be hugging you so tight right now.” Dave’s voice dropped slightly.
“That would be wonderful. Really.”
“You know...you could come visit this weekend?”
“Dave...”
“What? I know we said we would wait a little while or something, but you’re upset and I want to see you and help...plus, it’s a three hour train trip...or I could come to...”
“Dave...stop...I’m not in New York.”
“Oh?”
“I’m still in Lima. I can’t leave yet.”
“Kurt...”
“I need to make sure he’s ok. I need to look after my dad.”
“Kurt...I understand you’re worried and you want to make sure your dad and Finn are ok, but you can’t put your life on hold because of Finn. And what about Carole?”
Silence....
Dave knew that if he said what he wanted to say next that this conversation would go downhill fast. Dave could feel his training straining to take over...he knew Kurt would balk at everything he was about to say. But maybe Kurt needed to just hear it.
“Kurt... if you keep doing this and keep letting him dictate your life, he won’t realize that he is fucking things up.”
“And what am I supposed to do?” Kurt’s voice had changed. He was getting pissed off - but Dave had opened the door, he had to go all the way through.
“Let him fuck up. Let him realize that he’s screwing with your life. With all of your lives.”
“So, what, we’re supposed to abandon him?”
“No, I never said that. I meant that he needs to see that his actions have an effect. A really bad effect. If you keep telling him everything will be ok every time he does something like this, well it won’t stop. He’ll keep doing shitty things and then come crawling back because you take care of him.”
“I’m not leaving my brother to be crushed by his depression and drink himself to death, David.”
“When did I say that’s what I think you should do?”
“Well, that’s what you mean isn’t?”
“No, Kurt. I meant that he needs to realize that he is hurting you. And by saying, I can’t do this anymore Finn...either you get the help you need or I won’t be here...that might just be enough to push him towards getting help.”
Kurt was silent for a moment, but Dave could hear the steady angry breathing on the other end. “I have to be here to look after him, I can’t let Dad and Carole do it. And I’m not going to just walk away from him - make him think we don’t care.”
“Kurt... that’s not...”
“You don’t get what I’m going through at all.” Kurt muttered, clearly pissed.
“I do. He thinks what he’s doing is ok. But it’s not - you know it’s not. Look, I know you want to help Finn, but you can’t do that unless he’s willing to help himself. And he needs a shock to the system.”
“So, I should drop him and come visit you so we can play at being a couple for a weekend?”
“Jesus Kurt, I didn’t mean that! And why do you sound like being with me is such a bad idea! I was just saying you should visit me so I could help you deal with this shit. I want to be here for you Kurt...I want to...”
“Look, David... I get that. And it’s sweet of you. But I think I know what I need to do right now.”
“Kurt...just let me...”
“I should probably go, Dave.”
“But we just started talking!”
“I’m tired and I think Carole is making some tea.”
“Fuck the tea Kurt. Talk to me. Please.”
“I’ll text you tomorrow. Ok.”
Dave knew he wan’t going to win. So, defeated, he mumbled, “Ok, fine. Talk to you soon. Bye, Kurt.”
“Bye.”
“Kurt...I miss...” But the line was already dead.
Dave sat on his couch with is head in his hands. Totally confused as to what had just happened. Why the fuck had Kurt just jumped to such extreme conclusions... Kurt was doing that martyr thing again. He had to be the one in pain. He was the only one who knew what pain was.
Dave sighed. Tossing his phone to side in exasperation. It hadn’t even been fourty-eight hours and he’d already managed to fuck up what was supposed to be the best relationship he’d ever had. He pushed himself up from the couch and went into the kitchen...he could feel a familiar burn starting to form behind his eyes.
***************
Dave had sent Kurt a few text messages the following day. Mostly apologetic. He stressed over whether he had pushed Kurt too far. That, when Kurt just wanted someone to listen to him and understand what he was dealing with, Dave had gone to the social work place and tried to fix things... which is what set Kurt off.
Dave tried to do some damage control. Offering to listen to Kurt no matter what. Saying sorry for trying to micromanage Kurt’s life and involvement with Finn. He extended his offer for Kurt to visit, or Dave to visit him. Essentially, Dave just tried to make sure that Kurt knew he was there...
He got the occasional response.
Three days after their argument on the phone, Kurt called him. Dave was sitting on his couch watching an old re-run of CSI, he barely glanced at the caller ID before answering.
“Hello?”
“Dave?”
“Kurt! Hi. Sorry, hold on.”
“Oh ok.”
Dave grabbed the remote. “Sorry, I had to turn the tv off.”
“What were you watching?”
“Just some old crime show.”
“Oh cool.”
“You ok?”
“Dave...we need to talk.”
Dave knew those words all too well. He also knew Kurt’s tone equally as well. He was about to get a breakup speech...a breakup from a relationship that had barely just started. Hell, it was pretty much a non-relationship at this point. “Oh...well, shit.”
“Dave...”
“What Kurt?” Dave sighed, frustrated and getting angry. “You going to tell me that it’s not me, it’s you? Or how about you just can’t handle a relationship right now? Or how about, why don’t we try and be friends. Fuck, Kurt.”
“I’m so sorry...”
“What happened, Kurt? What happened since Sunday - less than five days ago! What happened to make you suddenly not want us? Cause it seemed like you were pretty into the idea of us on Sunday. Is this just about Finn? I somehow don’t imagine it is. Is this because of that fight the other night...you know if you’d return one of my calls or texts you’d know how sorry I am! I was just trying to help the other night. Honest, I wasn’t trying to tell you what to do. I just want to help... What happened?”
“Finn.” Kurt said sadly, as though that one word spoke volumes. As though the name carried all the excuses Kurt needed.
“Fuck. I told you...I wanted to be there with you...no, I WANT to be there with you. That’s not going to change. And you’re telling me that you don’t want to try - that you don’t want me there - considering everything that happened on the weekend...you just want us to end? All because Finn is fucking up? All because you think I won’t support you?”
“Dave, it’s complicated.”
“Then explain it to me.”
“Things are a mess right now.”
“You keep telling me that. Can you be a little more specific.” Dave was trying to keep his voice in check... trying not to let the hurt and the anger come through, but he could tell his was about to break.
“Finn did something very stupid. And he needs us...he needs me.”
“What happened?” Dave pressed the tips of his fingers against his forehead.
“He got behind the wheel of a car...”
“Drunk?”
“Yeah.”
“Jesus.”
“He’s been arrested.”
“Are they detaining him?”
“No, we don’t think he’ll get jail time, probably just a significant fine...or something like that. We’re not sure on the particulars yet. He made me call an lawyer friend of his, who he knew when he was overseas.” Kurt relayed this as though he was reading it from a report of some kind - his voice was flat, almost emotionless. Dave had no idea what to think.
Every fiber in his being wanted the answer to his next question to be yes: “Do you want me to come to Lima?”
“No, I don’t. Dave... I need to be with my family right now. I’m taking a leave from work.”
“Kurt, that doesn’t mean I can be there to support you.”
“Dave I can’t handle dealing with you and a new relationship, while dealing with this thing with Finn...”
“Kurt...” Dave’s voice was finally breaking. He could practically hear the tears.
“No, Dave...let me talk, ok? Look, everything that happened on the weekend was amazing. It really really was. And yeah, I do want something with you - more than I can even say. But, I can’t deal with having both this whole Finn debacle, making sure my dad doesn’t take a trip down heart-attack lane, and you - whether its here or in Washington... I don’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you, and I know you’re just trying to help...and that means so much to me. But I’m already feeling stretched way too thin as it is...a relationship right now would just do me in. I want there to be an us, Dave, I do...but I just don’t have room for ‘us’ right now.”
Dave was starting to get mad. Mad at Kurt. Mad at Finn. Mad at...himself for not getting on a plane and going back to Lima. He sat there silently... soaking in everything Kurt had just said. He’d taken a risk on Kurt. A big risk. And for five minutes it had seemed like it would pay off...now, Kurt was telling him that risk was worthless.
“Dave... are you still there? Say something.”
“Fuck you.” Dave growled, his voice was a mix between absolute rage and total broken heartedness..
“Well... clearly showing off your extremely large vocabulary will help this conversation.”
“Fuck off, Kurt. I get to be hurt right now ok. You’re being a fucking prick and so I get to be mad and hurt...so just fuck you.”
“Yes...you’re right. I’m sorry.”
Dave went silent again... he could feel the pain building. “Fuck...this is just not right. This is just not fair. You can’t just put your life on hold.” He mumbled.
“We’ve been through this Dave. It’s my family. It’s my dad...”
“So, we don’t even have a shot because...”
“I just can’t do this right now.”
“Nothing you’ve said is a good enough reason.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“You...you... were supposed to be different. You were different. You made me excited about the idea of a relationship again... and now, you’re doing this. Fuck, Kurt. This is not fair.” Dave’s voice cracked, heavily. He could feel the tears start to well up in his eyes. This could not be happening. Not after Adam. Not after that amazing weekend. Not after all the things they said to each other. “All I want is to be with you Kurt. You said you wanted the same. You told me you weren’t giving up. Well this looks like you’re giving up.”
“Dave.” Kurt’s voice was also starting to break. Dave could hear the tears.
“Let me come to Lima. Let me come be with you. Let me support you! Let me be the boyfriend you need right now.” Dave could tell he was about to start begging.
“No.”
“Why? I have vacation days saved up? I can tell them its an emergency! I can get a flight tonight... let me be there for you!”
“I don’t want you. I’m sorry... but I just don’t”
Dave was shaken by Kurt’s phrasing. “You...don’t want me?”
“I don’t want you here, Dave. I don’t want you here, in Lima.”
“Why... just tell me why?” Dave managed to choke out.
“Dave, it’s not a good idea. You’ll distract me from what I need to do with Finn...” Kurt’s voice broke completely. He started to cry.
“Don’t cry Kurt. Please.” Dave broke too and started crying.
They sat on the phone for a while, crying. Finally, both seemed able to slowly calm down. Dave sucked in a number of deep breaths...he had to get control of himself.
“You still there?” Kurt whispered into the phone.
“Not going anywhere. I promise.”
“I...I...”
“Kurt, please don’t do this... I can help you, I know I can. I’ll do anything. I’ll be anywhere you need me to be...but please, Kurt...don’t end us when we’ve barely begun.”
“I’m confused. I don’t know what to do.”
“How can I help?”
“Can...can you just give me time? Just some time to deal with this Finn stuff and get my shit back together.”
“Are you asking me to wait for you.”
“I don’t know...”
“Kurt...I wi...”
“Will you wait for me?” Kurt hurriedly breathed out. As though he was at risk of of losing the ability to say it.
“Yes, of course I will.”
“Thank you...”
“But you have to promise me something...”
“What?”
“Promise me that you’ll call and text and not just forget about me. That we’ll talk. That you won’t just disappear?”
“I can try.”
“That’s not really good enough for me.”
“It’s the best I can give.”
“Then, I don’t know... Kurt... I need more than that. You seemed ready to drop up, what’s to stop it from happening again?”
“I don’t know Dave, but all I can give is ‘try.”
Dave sighed. Was he strong enough to carry this relationship on his own until Kurt could give something of himself. Was the promise of trying enough... ”Just don’t give up on us. Not after what happened in Lima.”
“I..I’ll do my best.”
“God, Kurt... what happened...why did this happen?”
“Dave, my family...they’re everything to me.”
“I know...”
“I just need time, Dave...please. Give me time to deal with Finn and get life back into order.”
“I can give you time, Kurt. But I can’t wait forever...”
“I’ll get there as fast as I can.”
**************************
*Six Months Later*
He was still waiting...
Dave twirled the wine glass between his fingers. He stared at the deep red liquid, lost in thought.
Kurt had done exactly what Dave had asked him not to. He had distanced himself. Seemed to disappear off the map more than once. Dave didn’t even know what was happening with Finn anymore. It was as if Kurt liked having Dave waiting in the wings...
This was never supposed to happen. He and Kurt were supposed to still be basking in the honeymoon stage of their relationship - discovering their likes and dislikes, learning as much about each other as they could, having as much amazing sex as humanly possible. Instead, Dave was sitting alone in his kitchen, seriously pissed off at the status of his life.
And he couldn’t help but blame Finn... somehow Finn had managed to dictate the logistics of his relationship with Kurt...namely that there wasn’t going to be one.
For the first few weeks after that last conversation, Dave and Kurt managed to talk on a regular basis - texting often, chatting on the phone every couple of days. Dave started to feel like they might even get past the awfulness of their fight, and maybe get back to the supportive state they’d had back in Lima. But about a month after, Dave started noticing that Kurt was pulling away. The phone calls became text messages. And the text messages slowly became emails. Now Dave was lucky if he got an email every couple of days and a text message maybe once a week.
Dave slowly started to become paranoid. Kurt had been sidestepping the issue for weeks now. Often avoiding the question whenever Dave would bring it up...telling Dave that he he just needed more time. Exactly how much time Kurt needed, Dave had no idea. Dave finally brought it up with the only people who he knew might have some insight into what the fuck was going on. Mercedes and Az.
If there was one thing Dave could claim as a success about the reunion it was his renewed friendship with Azimo. Ever since the reunion they talked at least once week, but in actuality more like three or four times a week. And they were planning a boy’s weekend in DC at the end of the month.
Azimo often noticed Dave’s frustration over the situation with Kurt and tried to reassure him. But in reality, Az had no idea what was going on in the boy’s head any more than Dave did. Az had said that the day Dave had left Lima after the reunion, Kurt had been filled with excitement over the possibilities he saw in Dave. Talking excitedly about the night they had spent together. How he was hoping to visit Dave in DC as soon as he could. And for Dave to visit him in New York.
But then a call came from Rachel. That Finn had completely disappeared. That the message he’d left on her voicemail sounded as though something very bad had happened or was going to happen. And suddenly the promise of a relationship with Dave started to disappear. The idea of Dave as a safety net and support system was just not enough anymore. As to why... neither Mercedes or Azimo could explain. They witnessed a change in Kurt that they had never seen before.
After the argument with Dave, Kurt had started ranting about how Dave was trying to tell him how to deal with Finn. How Dave was micromanaging his life. Namely, Mercedes said, Kurt blew everything Dave said out of proportion.
But then, when Dave agreed to wait for Kurt, it was as though everything stopped. Kurt had gone on about how fantastic Dave was to be willing to wait...but even that quickly stopped being a point of interest. He just became focused on helping Finn. Every time Mercedes talked to Kurt, there was a new plan. A new idea. A new way of getting Finn out of his problems.
And it seemed as though Finn was resisting every single one of them...exactly as Dave figured he would.
Because of Kurt’s fixation on Finn’s predicament, Mercedes and Az were as much in the dark as he was about what was going on with the ‘almost relationship’. So Dave was stuck. Stuck in a holding pattern. Stuck being pissed off because he couldn’t move on with his life.
Dave picked up his glass, drinking the rest of the wine in one gulp.
Fuck, he was so tired of feeling like shit.
Getting up from the table he picked up his plate and moved to the counter to put the remains away in a tupperware container. He gripped the edge of the counter. He was tired of this. With a growl he snatched up his phone.
It only rang once.
“Hello mister.”
‘Jess...”
“Shit. You sound like hell. What’s up?”
“I’m fucking tired of this bullshit with Kurt. I don’t know what to do...I can’t do this anymore. I barely eat. I barely sleep. I...fuck.” Dave barely vocalized the end of the sentence, it came out more as a frustrated sigh.
“Finally! The boy comes to his senses. We’ve spent weeks...no, months, wallowing in self pity ... and finally, finally you realize that you’re better than this.”
“I feel like I’m putting my whole life on hold...All I want is an answer. All I want is a fucking phone call! I mean, if things with Finn are really this bad, then talk to me. But to just leave me hanging this way... it’s just so fucking frustrating and surprising. It doesn’t strike me as something Kurt would do.”
“Sweetie - I agree. You deserve an answer. You more than just deserve one. You’re entitled to one. I’m really sorry that Kurt’s personal life has totally imploded, but he can’t just expect you to sit happily on the sidelines waiting for him to throw you a bone.”
“So what should I do? Tell him that? Force the issue? Should I get on a fucking plane and go see him? Or just assume that nothing will ever happen?”
“Somehow I don’t think the getting on a plane idea would be that smart.”
“Well, what else am I supposed to do, Jess? Just sit here and wait. Or call him and tell him to fuck off? Or just assume that he’s already moved on...I mean I haven’t heard from him in almost two weeks.”
“Dave, what do you want to do?”
“I thought I wanted Kurt...but now, I don’t know. I don’t even think I do want this anymore.”
“And what happens when you do try to force the issue?”
“He avoids me.”
“It’s possible that he just really doesn’t know what he wants.”
“Well, he certainly chose a really unique way to express that.”
“Personally, I think...”
“Jess, you’ve told me a number of times exactly what you think...”
“Well, he’s being an asshole.”
“I know.” Dave sighed, rubbing the ridge of his nose. He could feel a stress headache coming on. “I’m just so incredibly tired of being pissed off about this.”
“Dave, honey, have you thought about just...I don’t know... not stressing about Kurt and what the fuck is going to happen.”
“Yeah, every day.”
“Well...what I mean, and don’t get mad, is maybe you need to go back to living your life. Go back to having fun. I mean, you got out of a three year thing with Adam and then you stressed over the reunion, then the reunion happened and now you’re stressed over Kurt and what might or might not happen. Why not just put it out of your head. Try to forget it and have fun. And if in the midst of having fun, something might or might not happen with Kurt.”
“You know I’m not very good at doing stuff like that Jess. You know I stress and worry over everything.”
“Well, this whole Kurt thing is not exactly stupid shit. But you can’t spend the next... I don’t know... but you can’t just sit alone at home being pissed off until he decides he wants you, or doesn’t. That’s not you. And its not fucking healthy!”
“I don’t know, Jess, I just don’t fucking know. Part of me wants to hold out for him - I mean, it was so amazing being with him; but at the same time, I know I can’t keep doing this.”
“Dave you’ve spent the last five months being a stressball because of this whole thing, maybe it is time to let go, but be open to more possibilities.”
“So your advice is...”
“Be open to the idea that Kurt might, just might, come around. But in case he doesn’t, don’t shut down every single opportunity that might come your way. But most importantly, don’t shut down your life. Because that’s exactly what you’re doing Dave! You’re barely living - you go from work to home and sit and watch TV all night in the hopes that your phone will make a noise. We never go out. And all we ever talk about when you call is Kurt and what you should do!”
“I’m sorry...please don’t get mad at me.”
“I’m not mad at you, Dave. I’m mad at Kurt. I’m mad at the situation. I’m mad that you have to feel this way...I mean we finally get you out of the awfulness of Adam and then this starts up...and I hate what this is doing to you. It’s pissing me off.” Jess was clearly angry. Dave rarely heard her talk in that tone.
“I know...I know... God, I hate this.”
“Then stop letting him do this to you. Are you happy?”
“No. I’m miserable.”
“Then stop focusing on this thing with Kurt and just start living your life again.”
“Easier said than done.”
“Dave...”
“I know... I’m not happy, and I need to let go. But when I think about letting go, I start to freak out, because I start questioning what might happen if I meet someone.”
“Dave... if something happens, it happens. If you and Kurt are meant to be, then that will happen. If you and some mystery man happens, it happens. If you’re supposed to be a celibate single monk for the rest of your life...well, I’ll help you go shopping for a good scratchy brown robe to start wearing.”
“I don’t think Marc Jacobs makes those.”
“Dave, all I’m saying is maybe you just need to relax a little and stop siting around at home moping and feeling sorry for yourself.”
“Sadly, it’s what I’m best at.”
“And I’ve spent ten years trying to get you to stop it.”
“Not doing such a great job there, hon.”
“Just promise me you’ll try to stop obsessing and try relaxing a bit more?”
“I’ll try. I promise.”
“Good.”
“Want to go out this weekend - break me out of this funk?”
“Yes! God! We’ll drink and dance this Kurt melancholia out of you.”
“Great...” Dave rolled his eyes.
“Dave I promise you, this will all be ok.”
“I know...” Dave sighed. “Can we talk about something else? What are you doing? All ok?”
“Sure...I’m good. Marking quizzes. So you know, crazy exciting over here. Oh! That guy, Todd, from the other week, he’s still trying to get a second date.”
“So, say yes. You liked him.”
“I don’t know. He wasn’t really all that great...”
“What was wrong with him?”
“Nothing really, just not into him.”
“You are the pickiest person I have ever met.”
“I just know what I want.”
“No, you have an idealized image of a guy in your head...one no man will ever be able to live up to.”
“Oh piss off...you’re one to talk!”
“I know, I know. I’m just saying that this Todd guy might be a great guy... so why not just give it a go before you totally write him off.”
“I’ll think about it. I just want my tall dark and handsome stranger...”
“Maybe Todd is your stranger...”
“Honey, Todd knits... knits! That does not scream tall, dark or mysterious. That screams, ‘hey come look at my doily collection’, so no... definitely not dark and mysterious, more I still live with my mom.”
“Will he make me a new scarf? I need one.”
“I’ll buy you a fucking scarf.”
“Careful what you offer...I have expensive tastes.”
“Oh, I know. What are you doing?” “TV. Chips. Wine.”
“Yeah. We’re so going out on Saturday - anything to get you away from your couch and junk food.”
“Anything to get me away from my own brain for a while too, please.”
“I’ll have you so drunk on Saturday night that you won’t even know your last name.”
“Sunday will be fun then...and I’m not singing you that damn Carrie Underwood song.”
“Whatever...I’ll get you to sing for me eventually. Ok, I’m going back to marking.”
“Thanks for the pep talk.”
“Anytime. Call you tomorrow.”
“Deal. Enjoy the quizzes.”
Dave ended the call. He knew Jess was right. He wasn’t exactly living his life to its fullest these days. He spent most of his days working, stressing about what Kurt would or wouldn’t say or do, and then being depressed in his apartment at night. Which usually meant horrible eating habits, drinking too much wine, and watching awful TV. He couldn’t remember the last time he went out with friends - not even Jess. Because he would stress about missing a phone call from Kurt.
He needed to relax. He needed to let go.
But perhaps most of all, he just needed to move on... try to push this whole situation with Kurt out of his mind for a while.
Jess was right, if it was meant to happen with Kurt, then it would happen. But sitting around, worrying over it... was doing nothing. Kurt’s silence over the past couple weeks, along with his obvious move at distancing himself from Dave was sending some pretty clear signals...this thing between them was never going to be a thing.
So, Dave had to do what was best for him....he had start living.
*********************************
Dave sincerely wished that he had an actual alarm clocks with a snooze button, because right now he would really love to slam his hand down to silence the god-awful noise that was invading his bedroom. Instead, he groped blindly for his phone.
Once the noise had been silenced, he opened his eyes slowly. Thursday...he could handle Thursday. Thursday usually meant centre admin meetings, a meeting of at least one of the youth groups that he ran, a bunch of one-on-one session with his most at risk kids, and then some paper work or something... then, maybe the gym.
Yeah, he could do Thursday.
As he lay there, planning out his day, random thoughts of Kurt popped into into his mind. Although the very last thing he really wanted was to wake up with the same torturous thoughts about Kurt that he had so many mornings in the past six months...it seemed as though Kurt was never really all that far off in his brain. Suddenly, the idea of figuring out if he needed to talk about funding sources at the morning’s meetings was replaced by thoughts of what Kurt was doing right now. Was he thinking about Dave? Would today be the day he called Dave?
No! Stop it. Kurt’s not here. Kurt’s not anywhere. He didn’t want Dave - that much was starting to be clear. Dave had to do what he Jess had talked about. It was time Kurt got pushed out of his head. He had to stop this.
“Fuck!” Dave shouted to the empty room. The only reason he was so obsessed with Kurt was because he didn’t know what was going on. He had no idea. If he knew for certain that Kurt wanted this to be over, then Dave would have moved on a long time ago - he would have gone on dates with other guys. He would have painted his living room... He would have done a million things...but this holding pattern, it was killing him.
He had had his time with Kurt... it was finished now.
“Enough!” Dave grumbled angrily. “Enough of this!”
He grabbed his phone off the nightstand and hammered out a text to Kurt.
There, he thought, that has to solve things. It has to. Kurt had to respond to it - either to fully end things or try to keep this...thing... with Dave on life support even longer.
But Dave was pretty sure that he needed - and wanted - to just pull the damn plug.
“I want my life back.” Dave’s mood started to darken even more as he shuffled into the bathroom to start his day. “And I want it back now.”