Velcro. (Part Four, Chapter One.)
Title: Velcro (Or, A Million and One Different Ways to Start Piecing Together Broken Hearts (Part Four, Chapter One/?)
Sequel to Dependable. Reliable.
Author: Pulpobsessed.
Pairing: Multiple Pairings
Characters: This chapter: Dave Karofsky, Kurt Hummel, Chris Michaels (OC), and Jessica Anders (OC). Plus others...
Rating: R (for language)
Summary: The impacts of what happened at the reunion start to take shape in Dave's life - eventually forcing Dave to make a life changing decision. This is a story of heart breaks, finding yourself, finding the one you're meant to be with, and of salvation - for more than just one character.
Genre: FutureFic
Disclaimer: Glee belongs to Ryan Murphy. Not me. But this Dave...he's all mine.
A/N. The next two chapters of Velcro - in which Dave figures something out, lends a helping hand, and faces his past.
You can find all Twelve Chapters of D&R here (it starts at chapter 12, so click on the one to start back at the beginning.)
Previous Installments of Velcro: 1 | 2 | 3.1 | 3.2 (Will repost soon)
Part Four - Chapter One.
What if I can't be all that you need me to be
We've got a good thing going, we have some promises to keep
But my addiction it can be such a detriment
Please believe in this my dear, I am more than penitent
City and Colour, “Little Hell.”
[1]
There is something to be said for being happy. No scratch that...for being deliriously, disgustingly, over the top happy. Being that happy is a new, almost surreal sensation. Something that you just can’t quite begin to describe. Because in some ways, you’re not quite sure where that happiness begins and ends - it just exist all around you in every possible way.
Being that happy frees you in some strange, almost perverse way. When you’re that happy, other people take notice. They comment on it. They look at you and they just see it. They see a part of you that they both recognize and identify with; and sometimes, they look at you and what they see there makes them intensely jealous, jealous of of that glimmer in your eye, of that broad secret smile that dances across your lips. And when you turn your own gaze back on them, and see their jealousy burning across their skin, you realize that you don’t care..in fact, the sensation of knowing someone is jealous of you...it almost makes you even happier. Because, quite frankly, seeing that note of jealousy means that you have something really good. Like really really good.
Happiness is funny that way.
And right now, Dave Karofsky, is exactly that happy. For the past six months, since starting to date Chris, his whole world had opened up. He’d felt better about himself. He smiled more. He felt this warmth radiating through him - it was something he’d never felt before with any other guy...ever. He had someone who looked at him like he was the most amazing person on the face of the plant. He had someone who looked at him because they wanted to see him, because they wanted to be with him. Who smiled at him...just because. Who would get out of bed early on a Sunday to run down to Dave’s favorite coffee place so he’d be able to wake up to a fresh latte. Who would always put his hand on Dave’s knee while they were driving - because he liked touching Dave as much as possible. Who knew that ice cream always made a bad day a little bit better - so, he usually kept some on hand for those days when Dave’s job seemed insurmountable.
Mostly...all these things pointed to the fact that Dave was loved.
Not that they’d said it or anything...yet. But Dave knew it was there. He knew that Chris loved him...but both seemed terrified of vocalizing it. It had only been six months. But it was there. It was there in the way that Chris looked at him. It was there in the way that Chris knew the title of every one of Dave’s favorite books and movies. It was there in the way that Chris’ hand always found Dave’s underneath the table when they were out at a restaurant. It was in the way Chris would borrow Dave’s favorite hoodie because he claimed it was softer than any he owned. And it was in the way that when they kissed or had sex or were just holding each other, Chris found touching his forehead to Dave’s to be more intimate than anything else they could do...because it was silent, gentle, reassuring.
So, yeah, Dave knew. He knew that Chris loved him. However, there were days, many days, when Dave stressed over exactly how he felt about Chris. He knew, without a doubt in his mind, that he really liked Chris...but love? He had no clue.
Sometimes...like when they were walking through Bartholdi Park, eating freshly roasted almonds and stopping to kiss under the trees or in the botanical gardens...Dave knew he did love Chris, or at least he was almost there...
But then there was that horrible sense of hesitation that Dave seemed to feel every time he started to think about the ‘L-word’. When Dave Karofsky started to fall in love with a guy, well he usually ended up getting hurt. So, even though he was disgustingly happy with Chris...he still had those guards up. But what made those walls even worse, was that Chris knew they were there...and he seemed ok with it. It was as though Chris was content and comfortable in his love for Dave that he just knew those walls would crumble eventually...and Dave would be ready to embrace what Chris clearly already knew was perfect.
Since he had started to date Chris, Dave was consistently wonderstruck over exactly how good he felt. How much a simple brush of the hand could impact his day - making him radiate with contentment and joy. In his twenty-seven and a half years on this planet, Dave had no idea he could feel quite this good about another person.
He never criticized himself in the mirror anymore. He never wondered about his gut or his face, or his dick size or any of that. Someone looked at him as though he was perfect and he started to feel pretty perfect in his own eyes. He still worked out almost everyday, but now it was about staying in shape and being sexy for himself because he liked how it made him feel to have Chris look at him.
Sometimes, when Dave would find himself watching Chris out of the corner of his eye, he couldn’t help but wonder exactly how happiness worked. How was it that he found himself this happy with another person? What was it about Chris - about them, together - that caused this much happiness?
There were thousands of moments...
The moments when he would feel Chris’ fingers running gently down his arm, tracing the well developed muscles in his biceps.
The moment when he would open his eyes first thing in the morning and find Chris, sound asleep, but still finding some way to touch him. Even if it was a hand on this side, or being cuddled into his back.
The moment when he would first see those emerald eyes opening to look at him, still sleep filled. And the way, even in the dim light of morning. Chris’ entire face would light up at the sight of Dave.
The moments when Chris would seem to just know that Dave was having a bad day and would call him just to say hello.
The moments when they were lying next to each other, still sweaty from sex, and Chris would turn over to be held by Dave and would give this sigh of utter contentment. As though no other place in the world was as perfect as that one was right then.
The moments when Chris would look at Dave and, smiling, would just say something like, “you’re cute,” or even “hey.” And Dave could almost hear the unspoken, “you are the most amazing man in the world. I love you so much.”
It was in those moments that Dave knew...knew that he had found happiness. That he had succeeded in finding that overwhelming sense of...whatever it was that made him feel this way.
And it was this moment...sitting on Chris’ futon/couch/bed thing...watching Chris, while he got ready to go see the new Kathryn Bigelow movie.
Chris was running late, as usual. This in part was due to the fact that he was trying to get dressed while dancing to an old Stars song that was playing on his computer at the moment.
Dave watched his stocky, insanely sexy, boyfriend bounce around, wearing only a pair of jeans. For a guy who looked like he could take on a Mac truck, and possibly win, he was surprisingly lithe. He was bouncing on his heels, weaving his upper body side to side, singing along softly. The weaving movement, however, was making putting his t-shirt on somewhat difficult. Dave was not at all surprised to discover Chris’ shirt of choice was a vintage 80s GI-Joe shirt - the guy seemed to have an endless supply of vintage t-shirts.
As Dave watched him dance around - trying very hard not to fall over while getting dressed - he realized something. That the sensation of being this happy. Of being so incredibly and unquestionably joyous about being with another person...all those moments that screamed: 'Chris loves me.' Well they were not just screaming that. As Dave watched Chris bounce on the balls of his feet to the music...he realized something: He was not just incredibly happy...he was...
Well, shit.
“I love you.” The words just kind of flew out of him. Unexpectedly. The words were simple. Saying them was simple. But the emotion behind them...certainly not simple.
He knew he loved Chris...in reality - despite all the work he put into telling himself he wasn’t there yet - he had loved the guy for a couple months now. He’d given Dave a second chance...and he’d shown Dave in every way possible that he did love Dave.
And as much as Dave wanted to be careful. As much as Dave wanted to be sure. As much as Dave wanted to prevent getting himself crushed again...he did love Chris. Perhaps more than he’d ever loved anyone before. So saying it...feeling it...knowing it...and expressing it...felt right.
He loved Chris Michaels.
Chris stood there. Shirt half way down his face. His brights eyes shining over the collar. Staring - dumbstruck - at Dave. He yanked the shirt the rest of the way over his head - leaving it hanging around his neck.
“Huh?”
Dave smiled. “Ok, that’s not the reaction I would have expected...but I can live with it.”
“No. No! I was just not... um....expecting... I..Just...I don’t... I...”
Dave raised an eyebrow...hearing the words ‘I don’t...’ after admitting one’s love for someone, was not exactly the encouraging.
“FUCK!” Chris, suddenly realizing what he might have said, exclaimed. “I’m ruining this.. Oh shit. Shit. Shit.” He reached out and jabbed erratically at his iPad until the music stopped. “Ok. Dave...I didn’t mean to suggest...I’m so sorry!” Chris looked down at his feet, then back up at Dave. A sheepish expression on his face. He finished pulling the shirt on, covering up his chest and stomach.
Well shit... had he read all those signals wrong? Did Chris actually not feel that way about him? Had he set himself up to get his heart fucking ripped out, yet again? Had all those signals been about him and not about Chris in the least? How could he have been so stupid! Fuck!
Dave started to panic. What had he done? He’d totally fucked it up! This was bad. He’d been so sure. So bloody sure that Chris felt like that. Dave could feel that specific kind sort of pain start to bloom in his chest. Emotional pain. His entire body started to scream at him - the urge to run was intense. Get away from here. Get away from the words that will hurt you. Get away from the person who is now holding all the cards.
Dave stood up. He could feel his chest tightening. “OK!” His voice was certainly higher and louder than normal. “We should probably get going... or we’ll miss the movie.”
“Dave...”
“Come on...I know you hate it when we miss the previews.” Dave tried hard to hide the pain he was feeling...but he knew it was pretty fucking clear in his voice.
“Dave... we should...”
“Chris...don’t ok? Just don’t... Let’s go to the movie and forget I even said anything. Ok?”
“Dave...please...”
“No. Chris, I said it. You didn’t...I acted on an impulse and right now I don’t really want to...”
“You won’t even let me explain?”
“What’s to explain? You don’t...I do...”
“But...”
“Can we just go? Please.” Dave twisted his hands together. He felt like he was going to throw up.
“Yeah...sure...yeah.” Chris frowned, disappointment edging in his voice. He stepped into his Adidas sneakers. “Let’s go.”
Well, Dave thought to himself, this will probably be the most fucking awkward date in the history of mankind. Maybe this whole idea of happiness is the universe’s idea of a big fucking cosmic joke.
He heard Chris sigh as he closed and locked the door and then followed Dave down the hallway.
*****************************************
Nine days. Nine days since Dave had said those three stupid, fucking, idiotic words. And Dave had counted every single one of them. Nine days. Endless hours on the phone with Jess. He’d even talked to Az about it.
And all it had resulted in was Dave feeling stupid and sorry for himself. How could he have been so foolish? He was normally good at reading people...ok, maybe with his recent Adam, Kurt, and now Chris experiences, he should start to revise that and realize he's not as good at reading people as he’d thought... but still! He was still pretty good at protecting himself. He had a series of carefully built walls erected around his heart, and somehow that stocky, adorable blond man had broken through them.
Dave felt miserable.
Why didn’t he just follow his instincts? Why didn’t he just Chris say it first? Why did he have to drop his defenses? Why? Why did Chris not say it back? He couldn’t take another Kurt situation. Why did Chris have to hurt him?
Chris.
The man of the hour. The man Dave had successfully managed in avoiding since Dave had opened his fucking mouth. And, to make matters worse, avoiding Chris just made Dave feel even more miserable. Sure, they had a few customary conversations since then...but nothing like the talks they were used to. Not the three or four hour chats that usually punctuated their days. Talks that made Dave feel grounded. Talks that made Dave feel completely connected to another human being.
But, most of all, Dave just missed Chris. He just didn’t know how to fix this. He was actually scared to talk to his boyfriend. He was terrified of getting hurt. But he knew that all he had to do was pick up the phone and call Chris and they would talk. They would sort things out. Chris would tell Dave how he felt...maybe even reassure him so much that Dave would start to let the walls that were slowly being built back up to start crumbling again. But those walls were exactly what was preventing him from calling Chris. Dave rarely admitted this...but he was terrified. At the exact moment that he told Chris how he felt - that he loved him - he had given all his power, all his strength to Chris. Dave was powerless at this moment. He had nothing to protect him. All he had now were his defense systems. And even those were failing him...because he missed Chris.
Dave rolled over on his couch, facing the back. Just a couple weeks ago, he and Chris had finally perfected the double lie, so they could hold one another while lying down and watching a movie. It had taken six months of one, or both, of them falling off the couch. Dave slamming his forehead against the coffee table, Chris breaking and spilling an entire bottle of wine on the table and floor. But in the end, they’d done it.
And, now, here Dave was. Back where he was before he met Chris. Alone. Feeling sorry for himself. Miserable. Dave sighed and rolled onto his back.
His phone chirped, merrily, alerting him to a message.
Chris.
Babe. I have to go to work today - some big thing that needs a second set of eyes or something. But I’m coming over tonight...this is stupid. We have to actually talk. No more avoiding. Please? I miss you.
Dave nodded, as though Chris were in the room with him. He was right. This couldn’t go on. They had too good a thing to let this destroy them. They needed to talk.
Hey you. I miss you too. You’re right - we’ll talk tonight. Call me when you’re done work? Don’t be mad at me, ok?
Seconds later: I’m not mad! I couldn’t be mad at you for something like this...but we do need to talk. I’ll call when I leave Hoover and come straight to you. Ok?
So, Chris was going to the bureau. Which meant he'd have no idea when he’d actually be done. Which also meant he’d be stressed once he did. They both hated those days...
Sure. Let’s hope they don’t keep you till dawn again.
If they do, I’ll start crying or something. Nothing makes agents more uncomfortable than a guy who cries.
Dave smiled. You’re a good fake crier too. I can’t wait to see you. I’m sorry for being an idiot.
Stop apologizing! I’m getting on the metro now. I’ll talk to you soon. I can’t wait to see you either.
Dave felt his throat close. As much as he wanted to believe this was going to be a good conversation, the panicked voice in his head would not shut up! Shit. What was going to happen? Was Chris going to suggest they should just be friends? That they should take a break? That he didn’t love him...or maybe that he did in fact love him?
Great. Now Dave was going to stew all night day, and possibly night, long. Great.
He quickly tapped out: I’ll see you tonight. xoxo
Hugs and kisses...god when had he become that guy. Rather than just saying, hey I love you! and even if you don’t love me back, that’s ok...he resorted to hugs and kisses as a way to counterbalance all these fucked up emotions that he wanted to say. What was lamer than that?
Nothing.
He clicked on the phone icon. Dialing Jess’ number. He wondered when Jess would finally get tired of his emotional bullshit.
“Hello?”
“Hey.”
“Hey! I was just about to call you!”
“Oh? Everything ok?”
“Yeah...I have a crazy story from the other night.”
Dave was quiet...he breathed heavily .... he wanted to just have a normal conversation with her. Talk about her crazy night. Be like the old Dave and Jess again. But...here he was, starting to freak out again.
“Shit...what happened?” Her voice was heavy with concern.
“Nothing...he wants to talk tonight.”
“Dave...”
“I know. I know. I know what you’re going to say! That it’s nothing. That I have nothing to be worried about.”
“No. I was going to say, if he hurts you...I’ll fucking kill him. And then I was going to say, it's nothing and you have nothing to worry about.”
“I love you.”
“I know. Now, did he say what he wanted to talk about?”
“He said we have to talk about stuff...”
“Fuck! Cryptic much!”
“I know. Jess...I don’t think I can handle him telling me to get lost.”
“I know. And if he does that...then you get in a cab and come here. I’ll look after you...”
“But...?” Dave finished her sentence.
“I don’t think he’s going to do that.”
“Why?”
“Dave...I think you’re right. I think he’s in love with you. I mean I really don’t get his reaction when you said it...maybe you just caught him off guard.”
“He’s had nine days to talk to me.”
“And how available have you been in those nine days, exactly?”
“Oh...yeah. Good point.” Dave had certainly been doing his best impression of a Medieval hermit for the last nine days.
“Right...maybe he’s been waiting for you to come to him. But he can’t wait anymore so he’s finally going to come to you and just tell you how he feels.”
“I’m scared. God, I sound like s fucking teenager.”
“i've noticed - believe me. And, he’s not Kurt, Dave. He’s not going to hurt you like that. I know it.”
“How? Tell me how you know.”
“I see how he looks at you. I see how he smiles at you. I see how he always finds an excuse to touch you, even a little bit, all the time. I see how happy he is when you’re around. Dave...I might not know a lot of stuff about guys and shit, but I know that Chris loves you.”
“Thanks. That...helps.”
“Not as much as him saying it right?”
“No. But it helps.”
“I know that saying this to you is like telling someone to stop breathing...but don’t worry. But relax and stop being so anxious. Have faith. Just a little. Chris is a good one...a very good one.”
“Thanks hon.”
“Why do you have to wait till tonight?”
“He got called into the bureau for something...he’s coming over after he’s done there.”
“Could be a late night for you.”
“I’ll wait.”
“I know...” Jess was clearly smiling as she said it. “I think it will be worth the wait.”
“What ever happened to the jaded and cynical Jess I know and love?”
“I’m letting her take a break for a while.”
“Good...so, distract me. Tell me this crazy story.”
“I went out Thursday night, to a bar.”
“You! A bar! Drinking! NO!”
“Shut up sarcastic-boy.”
“Ok, sorry...but did you have like a pro-D day or something yesterday?”
“Yeah - would I go out otherwise?”
“Yes, yes you would. But go on...”
“Yeah. Anyways...I met this guy. The fucking hottest guy I’ve ever met in my life. He was massive...”
“Are we talking body mass or...”
“Let’s just say...all over. Massive all over.”
“Hotness.” Dave rolled his eyes...knowing Jess' affliction for large guys.
“Anyways... he was wild! We drank till like one, and then he asked if I wanted to go on a walking tour of the Mall with him. We ended up behind the Lincoln memorial drinking from a bottle of Jack and stripping.”
“You stripped on the lawn of the Lincoln memorial?”
“I know...we kinda did stuff too!”
“You fucked a guy you’d never met on the lawn of the Lincoln memorial?!”
“Crazy! Huh!?”
“What the fuck? How fucked up were you?”
“Pretty fucking fucked up!”
“Jesus, Fuck! Jess!” Dave practically grunted.
“Almost got a arrested too...we were running away from the cops...he was only in his boxers.” Jess almost sounded proud.
“This stopped being crazy and is now just stupid. You know better than that!”
“Whatever. I needed an adventure. We ended up back here.”
“And?” Dave sighed. He already knew the end to this story. Jess’ exploits had been getting more and more outrageous lately. Dave was not exactly sure what was gong on, but ever since he and Chris became really serious, Jess started in on a whole renaissance of her slutty days. But this...this took the cake.
“We drank a lot more booze and screwed all night.”
“Jess...”
“What? Am I not allowed to be crazy?”
“No! You’re a high school teacher! You’re supposed to be responsible and set an example. You’re a grown woman, Jess...Fuck! Screwing in the bushes behind the Lincoln! What would have...”
“Dave...nothing happened. He stayed over and then left yesterday around one...actually, he was still pretty drunk.”
Dave made a displeased noise. This was not the Jess he knew and loved. And, sure, they'd had some rather crazy days back in college...but wasn’t there a point when you had to stop doing the crazy shit and start acting like an adult.
“You’re mad.” Jess’ voice was hesitant, questioning.
“No...I’m worried and unhappy. This is not like you at all!”
“You know what happens when I drink Jack.”
“Which is why you don’t drink it! Come on.”
“I get to be stupid and crazy once in a while. Dave...come on. You’re the guy who did a whole shit ton of bed hopping like six months ago.”
“Yeah, but never in public...never on a national monument!”
“Whatever. Look... it happened. It was crazy and I had a great time. But now I’m safe and sound in my own home...still nursing a killer headache, mind you, but I’m fine. Dave, you worry too much.”
“Are you just fucking figuring that out now? And yes, I fucking worry. This is not normal shit, Jess...this is crazy shit that you never do!"
“No. Lord no. But I am saying that you don’t have to worry about me, Dave. I’m a grown woman - I promise, I can take care of myself. I promise!”
“Jess, I know...I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I know, love. I’m being careful.”
Dave grunted. He was not quite as sure about that as she seemed to be. He knew that she believed she was being careful, but in all honesty she actually seemed to be doing dumber and dumber things. Dave had heard about enough of these ‘adventures’ to know that she was taking some rather significant risks. Everything from sex on the lawn of a national monument, to almost having sex in the washroom of some bar, to picking up a cashier...simply because she could. Things were getting out of hand.
Dave had been so wrapped up in his own emotional garden of eden - and now turmoil - that he’d not really noticed all this crap that was happening around him. He’d become completely absorbed by his relationship that the reality of his best friend’s craziness had not actually dawned on him.
Dave shook his head as he listened to Jess talk about her drunk paramour from the other night. How the hell was he going to deal with her and her sudden craziness, and handle this whole Chris thing.
He sighed inwardly.
They talked for a while longer. Mostly about how Dave was going to deal with his talk with Chris that night. Dave promised her that he would not freak out. That he wouldn’t jump to any conclusions, and would listen to Chris and have an honest conversation. Dave got Jess to promise to call him before she went off on another adventure. Although, she clearly did not think it was needed, she said she would try to stop with the crazy antics.
Once they’d hung up, Dave sat staring at the phone in his hands. Unlocking the phone, he tapped the message icon. His thumbs stilled over the keyboard. Totally unsure as to what he should write...but he needed to say something. After that talk with Jess, he needed to...reach out.
Hey. Just had the worst chat with Jess. I wanted to tell you, I miss you and I’m sorry. I can’t wait to see you later.
He knew that Chris wouldn’t be able to return the text till much later, especially if he was in the bowels of the FBI building. Dave flopped back onto his couch. Staring up the at the ceiling, he couldn’t decide of sending Chris that message had made him feel better or worse. Somehow, it was a mixture of the the two.
He couldn’t lose Chris, too. No...he was going to fight for him. No matter what.
Sequel to Dependable. Reliable.
Author: Pulpobsessed.
Pairing: Multiple Pairings
Characters: This chapter: Dave Karofsky, Kurt Hummel, Chris Michaels (OC), and Jessica Anders (OC). Plus others...
Rating: R (for language)
Summary: The impacts of what happened at the reunion start to take shape in Dave's life - eventually forcing Dave to make a life changing decision. This is a story of heart breaks, finding yourself, finding the one you're meant to be with, and of salvation - for more than just one character.
Genre: FutureFic
Disclaimer: Glee belongs to Ryan Murphy. Not me. But this Dave...he's all mine.
A/N. The next two chapters of Velcro - in which Dave figures something out, lends a helping hand, and faces his past.
You can find all Twelve Chapters of D&R here (it starts at chapter 12, so click on the one to start back at the beginning.)
Previous Installments of Velcro: 1 | 2 | 3.1 | 3.2 (Will repost soon)
Part Four - Chapter One.
What if I can't be all that you need me to be
We've got a good thing going, we have some promises to keep
But my addiction it can be such a detriment
Please believe in this my dear, I am more than penitent
City and Colour, “Little Hell.”
[1]
There is something to be said for being happy. No scratch that...for being deliriously, disgustingly, over the top happy. Being that happy is a new, almost surreal sensation. Something that you just can’t quite begin to describe. Because in some ways, you’re not quite sure where that happiness begins and ends - it just exist all around you in every possible way.
Being that happy frees you in some strange, almost perverse way. When you’re that happy, other people take notice. They comment on it. They look at you and they just see it. They see a part of you that they both recognize and identify with; and sometimes, they look at you and what they see there makes them intensely jealous, jealous of of that glimmer in your eye, of that broad secret smile that dances across your lips. And when you turn your own gaze back on them, and see their jealousy burning across their skin, you realize that you don’t care..in fact, the sensation of knowing someone is jealous of you...it almost makes you even happier. Because, quite frankly, seeing that note of jealousy means that you have something really good. Like really really good.
Happiness is funny that way.
And right now, Dave Karofsky, is exactly that happy. For the past six months, since starting to date Chris, his whole world had opened up. He’d felt better about himself. He smiled more. He felt this warmth radiating through him - it was something he’d never felt before with any other guy...ever. He had someone who looked at him like he was the most amazing person on the face of the plant. He had someone who looked at him because they wanted to see him, because they wanted to be with him. Who smiled at him...just because. Who would get out of bed early on a Sunday to run down to Dave’s favorite coffee place so he’d be able to wake up to a fresh latte. Who would always put his hand on Dave’s knee while they were driving - because he liked touching Dave as much as possible. Who knew that ice cream always made a bad day a little bit better - so, he usually kept some on hand for those days when Dave’s job seemed insurmountable.
Mostly...all these things pointed to the fact that Dave was loved.
Not that they’d said it or anything...yet. But Dave knew it was there. He knew that Chris loved him...but both seemed terrified of vocalizing it. It had only been six months. But it was there. It was there in the way that Chris looked at him. It was there in the way that Chris knew the title of every one of Dave’s favorite books and movies. It was there in the way that Chris’ hand always found Dave’s underneath the table when they were out at a restaurant. It was in the way Chris would borrow Dave’s favorite hoodie because he claimed it was softer than any he owned. And it was in the way that when they kissed or had sex or were just holding each other, Chris found touching his forehead to Dave’s to be more intimate than anything else they could do...because it was silent, gentle, reassuring.
So, yeah, Dave knew. He knew that Chris loved him. However, there were days, many days, when Dave stressed over exactly how he felt about Chris. He knew, without a doubt in his mind, that he really liked Chris...but love? He had no clue.
Sometimes...like when they were walking through Bartholdi Park, eating freshly roasted almonds and stopping to kiss under the trees or in the botanical gardens...Dave knew he did love Chris, or at least he was almost there...
But then there was that horrible sense of hesitation that Dave seemed to feel every time he started to think about the ‘L-word’. When Dave Karofsky started to fall in love with a guy, well he usually ended up getting hurt. So, even though he was disgustingly happy with Chris...he still had those guards up. But what made those walls even worse, was that Chris knew they were there...and he seemed ok with it. It was as though Chris was content and comfortable in his love for Dave that he just knew those walls would crumble eventually...and Dave would be ready to embrace what Chris clearly already knew was perfect.
Since he had started to date Chris, Dave was consistently wonderstruck over exactly how good he felt. How much a simple brush of the hand could impact his day - making him radiate with contentment and joy. In his twenty-seven and a half years on this planet, Dave had no idea he could feel quite this good about another person.
He never criticized himself in the mirror anymore. He never wondered about his gut or his face, or his dick size or any of that. Someone looked at him as though he was perfect and he started to feel pretty perfect in his own eyes. He still worked out almost everyday, but now it was about staying in shape and being sexy for himself because he liked how it made him feel to have Chris look at him.
Sometimes, when Dave would find himself watching Chris out of the corner of his eye, he couldn’t help but wonder exactly how happiness worked. How was it that he found himself this happy with another person? What was it about Chris - about them, together - that caused this much happiness?
There were thousands of moments...
The moments when he would feel Chris’ fingers running gently down his arm, tracing the well developed muscles in his biceps.
The moment when he would open his eyes first thing in the morning and find Chris, sound asleep, but still finding some way to touch him. Even if it was a hand on this side, or being cuddled into his back.
The moment when he would first see those emerald eyes opening to look at him, still sleep filled. And the way, even in the dim light of morning. Chris’ entire face would light up at the sight of Dave.
The moments when Chris would seem to just know that Dave was having a bad day and would call him just to say hello.
The moments when they were lying next to each other, still sweaty from sex, and Chris would turn over to be held by Dave and would give this sigh of utter contentment. As though no other place in the world was as perfect as that one was right then.
The moments when Chris would look at Dave and, smiling, would just say something like, “you’re cute,” or even “hey.” And Dave could almost hear the unspoken, “you are the most amazing man in the world. I love you so much.”
It was in those moments that Dave knew...knew that he had found happiness. That he had succeeded in finding that overwhelming sense of...whatever it was that made him feel this way.
And it was this moment...sitting on Chris’ futon/couch/bed thing...watching Chris, while he got ready to go see the new Kathryn Bigelow movie.
Chris was running late, as usual. This in part was due to the fact that he was trying to get dressed while dancing to an old Stars song that was playing on his computer at the moment.
Dave watched his stocky, insanely sexy, boyfriend bounce around, wearing only a pair of jeans. For a guy who looked like he could take on a Mac truck, and possibly win, he was surprisingly lithe. He was bouncing on his heels, weaving his upper body side to side, singing along softly. The weaving movement, however, was making putting his t-shirt on somewhat difficult. Dave was not at all surprised to discover Chris’ shirt of choice was a vintage 80s GI-Joe shirt - the guy seemed to have an endless supply of vintage t-shirts.
As Dave watched him dance around - trying very hard not to fall over while getting dressed - he realized something. That the sensation of being this happy. Of being so incredibly and unquestionably joyous about being with another person...all those moments that screamed: 'Chris loves me.' Well they were not just screaming that. As Dave watched Chris bounce on the balls of his feet to the music...he realized something: He was not just incredibly happy...he was...
Well, shit.
“I love you.” The words just kind of flew out of him. Unexpectedly. The words were simple. Saying them was simple. But the emotion behind them...certainly not simple.
He knew he loved Chris...in reality - despite all the work he put into telling himself he wasn’t there yet - he had loved the guy for a couple months now. He’d given Dave a second chance...and he’d shown Dave in every way possible that he did love Dave.
And as much as Dave wanted to be careful. As much as Dave wanted to be sure. As much as Dave wanted to prevent getting himself crushed again...he did love Chris. Perhaps more than he’d ever loved anyone before. So saying it...feeling it...knowing it...and expressing it...felt right.
He loved Chris Michaels.
Chris stood there. Shirt half way down his face. His brights eyes shining over the collar. Staring - dumbstruck - at Dave. He yanked the shirt the rest of the way over his head - leaving it hanging around his neck.
“Huh?”
Dave smiled. “Ok, that’s not the reaction I would have expected...but I can live with it.”
“No. No! I was just not... um....expecting... I..Just...I don’t... I...”
Dave raised an eyebrow...hearing the words ‘I don’t...’ after admitting one’s love for someone, was not exactly the encouraging.
“FUCK!” Chris, suddenly realizing what he might have said, exclaimed. “I’m ruining this.. Oh shit. Shit. Shit.” He reached out and jabbed erratically at his iPad until the music stopped. “Ok. Dave...I didn’t mean to suggest...I’m so sorry!” Chris looked down at his feet, then back up at Dave. A sheepish expression on his face. He finished pulling the shirt on, covering up his chest and stomach.
Well shit... had he read all those signals wrong? Did Chris actually not feel that way about him? Had he set himself up to get his heart fucking ripped out, yet again? Had all those signals been about him and not about Chris in the least? How could he have been so stupid! Fuck!
Dave started to panic. What had he done? He’d totally fucked it up! This was bad. He’d been so sure. So bloody sure that Chris felt like that. Dave could feel that specific kind sort of pain start to bloom in his chest. Emotional pain. His entire body started to scream at him - the urge to run was intense. Get away from here. Get away from the words that will hurt you. Get away from the person who is now holding all the cards.
Dave stood up. He could feel his chest tightening. “OK!” His voice was certainly higher and louder than normal. “We should probably get going... or we’ll miss the movie.”
“Dave...”
“Come on...I know you hate it when we miss the previews.” Dave tried hard to hide the pain he was feeling...but he knew it was pretty fucking clear in his voice.
“Dave... we should...”
“Chris...don’t ok? Just don’t... Let’s go to the movie and forget I even said anything. Ok?”
“Dave...please...”
“No. Chris, I said it. You didn’t...I acted on an impulse and right now I don’t really want to...”
“You won’t even let me explain?”
“What’s to explain? You don’t...I do...”
“But...”
“Can we just go? Please.” Dave twisted his hands together. He felt like he was going to throw up.
“Yeah...sure...yeah.” Chris frowned, disappointment edging in his voice. He stepped into his Adidas sneakers. “Let’s go.”
Well, Dave thought to himself, this will probably be the most fucking awkward date in the history of mankind. Maybe this whole idea of happiness is the universe’s idea of a big fucking cosmic joke.
He heard Chris sigh as he closed and locked the door and then followed Dave down the hallway.
*****************************************
Nine days. Nine days since Dave had said those three stupid, fucking, idiotic words. And Dave had counted every single one of them. Nine days. Endless hours on the phone with Jess. He’d even talked to Az about it.
And all it had resulted in was Dave feeling stupid and sorry for himself. How could he have been so foolish? He was normally good at reading people...ok, maybe with his recent Adam, Kurt, and now Chris experiences, he should start to revise that and realize he's not as good at reading people as he’d thought... but still! He was still pretty good at protecting himself. He had a series of carefully built walls erected around his heart, and somehow that stocky, adorable blond man had broken through them.
Dave felt miserable.
Why didn’t he just follow his instincts? Why didn’t he just Chris say it first? Why did he have to drop his defenses? Why? Why did Chris not say it back? He couldn’t take another Kurt situation. Why did Chris have to hurt him?
Chris.
The man of the hour. The man Dave had successfully managed in avoiding since Dave had opened his fucking mouth. And, to make matters worse, avoiding Chris just made Dave feel even more miserable. Sure, they had a few customary conversations since then...but nothing like the talks they were used to. Not the three or four hour chats that usually punctuated their days. Talks that made Dave feel grounded. Talks that made Dave feel completely connected to another human being.
But, most of all, Dave just missed Chris. He just didn’t know how to fix this. He was actually scared to talk to his boyfriend. He was terrified of getting hurt. But he knew that all he had to do was pick up the phone and call Chris and they would talk. They would sort things out. Chris would tell Dave how he felt...maybe even reassure him so much that Dave would start to let the walls that were slowly being built back up to start crumbling again. But those walls were exactly what was preventing him from calling Chris. Dave rarely admitted this...but he was terrified. At the exact moment that he told Chris how he felt - that he loved him - he had given all his power, all his strength to Chris. Dave was powerless at this moment. He had nothing to protect him. All he had now were his defense systems. And even those were failing him...because he missed Chris.
Dave rolled over on his couch, facing the back. Just a couple weeks ago, he and Chris had finally perfected the double lie, so they could hold one another while lying down and watching a movie. It had taken six months of one, or both, of them falling off the couch. Dave slamming his forehead against the coffee table, Chris breaking and spilling an entire bottle of wine on the table and floor. But in the end, they’d done it.
And, now, here Dave was. Back where he was before he met Chris. Alone. Feeling sorry for himself. Miserable. Dave sighed and rolled onto his back.
His phone chirped, merrily, alerting him to a message.
Chris.
Babe. I have to go to work today - some big thing that needs a second set of eyes or something. But I’m coming over tonight...this is stupid. We have to actually talk. No more avoiding. Please? I miss you.
Dave nodded, as though Chris were in the room with him. He was right. This couldn’t go on. They had too good a thing to let this destroy them. They needed to talk.
Hey you. I miss you too. You’re right - we’ll talk tonight. Call me when you’re done work? Don’t be mad at me, ok?
Seconds later: I’m not mad! I couldn’t be mad at you for something like this...but we do need to talk. I’ll call when I leave Hoover and come straight to you. Ok?
So, Chris was going to the bureau. Which meant he'd have no idea when he’d actually be done. Which also meant he’d be stressed once he did. They both hated those days...
Sure. Let’s hope they don’t keep you till dawn again.
If they do, I’ll start crying or something. Nothing makes agents more uncomfortable than a guy who cries.
Dave smiled. You’re a good fake crier too. I can’t wait to see you. I’m sorry for being an idiot.
Stop apologizing! I’m getting on the metro now. I’ll talk to you soon. I can’t wait to see you either.
Dave felt his throat close. As much as he wanted to believe this was going to be a good conversation, the panicked voice in his head would not shut up! Shit. What was going to happen? Was Chris going to suggest they should just be friends? That they should take a break? That he didn’t love him...or maybe that he did in fact love him?
Great. Now Dave was going to stew all night day, and possibly night, long. Great.
He quickly tapped out: I’ll see you tonight. xoxo
Hugs and kisses...god when had he become that guy. Rather than just saying, hey I love you! and even if you don’t love me back, that’s ok...he resorted to hugs and kisses as a way to counterbalance all these fucked up emotions that he wanted to say. What was lamer than that?
Nothing.
He clicked on the phone icon. Dialing Jess’ number. He wondered when Jess would finally get tired of his emotional bullshit.
“Hello?”
“Hey.”
“Hey! I was just about to call you!”
“Oh? Everything ok?”
“Yeah...I have a crazy story from the other night.”
Dave was quiet...he breathed heavily .... he wanted to just have a normal conversation with her. Talk about her crazy night. Be like the old Dave and Jess again. But...here he was, starting to freak out again.
“Shit...what happened?” Her voice was heavy with concern.
“Nothing...he wants to talk tonight.”
“Dave...”
“I know. I know. I know what you’re going to say! That it’s nothing. That I have nothing to be worried about.”
“No. I was going to say, if he hurts you...I’ll fucking kill him. And then I was going to say, it's nothing and you have nothing to worry about.”
“I love you.”
“I know. Now, did he say what he wanted to talk about?”
“He said we have to talk about stuff...”
“Fuck! Cryptic much!”
“I know. Jess...I don’t think I can handle him telling me to get lost.”
“I know. And if he does that...then you get in a cab and come here. I’ll look after you...”
“But...?” Dave finished her sentence.
“I don’t think he’s going to do that.”
“Why?”
“Dave...I think you’re right. I think he’s in love with you. I mean I really don’t get his reaction when you said it...maybe you just caught him off guard.”
“He’s had nine days to talk to me.”
“And how available have you been in those nine days, exactly?”
“Oh...yeah. Good point.” Dave had certainly been doing his best impression of a Medieval hermit for the last nine days.
“Right...maybe he’s been waiting for you to come to him. But he can’t wait anymore so he’s finally going to come to you and just tell you how he feels.”
“I’m scared. God, I sound like s fucking teenager.”
“i've noticed - believe me. And, he’s not Kurt, Dave. He’s not going to hurt you like that. I know it.”
“How? Tell me how you know.”
“I see how he looks at you. I see how he smiles at you. I see how he always finds an excuse to touch you, even a little bit, all the time. I see how happy he is when you’re around. Dave...I might not know a lot of stuff about guys and shit, but I know that Chris loves you.”
“Thanks. That...helps.”
“Not as much as him saying it right?”
“No. But it helps.”
“I know that saying this to you is like telling someone to stop breathing...but don’t worry. But relax and stop being so anxious. Have faith. Just a little. Chris is a good one...a very good one.”
“Thanks hon.”
“Why do you have to wait till tonight?”
“He got called into the bureau for something...he’s coming over after he’s done there.”
“Could be a late night for you.”
“I’ll wait.”
“I know...” Jess was clearly smiling as she said it. “I think it will be worth the wait.”
“What ever happened to the jaded and cynical Jess I know and love?”
“I’m letting her take a break for a while.”
“Good...so, distract me. Tell me this crazy story.”
“I went out Thursday night, to a bar.”
“You! A bar! Drinking! NO!”
“Shut up sarcastic-boy.”
“Ok, sorry...but did you have like a pro-D day or something yesterday?”
“Yeah - would I go out otherwise?”
“Yes, yes you would. But go on...”
“Yeah. Anyways...I met this guy. The fucking hottest guy I’ve ever met in my life. He was massive...”
“Are we talking body mass or...”
“Let’s just say...all over. Massive all over.”
“Hotness.” Dave rolled his eyes...knowing Jess' affliction for large guys.
“Anyways... he was wild! We drank till like one, and then he asked if I wanted to go on a walking tour of the Mall with him. We ended up behind the Lincoln memorial drinking from a bottle of Jack and stripping.”
“You stripped on the lawn of the Lincoln memorial?”
“I know...we kinda did stuff too!”
“You fucked a guy you’d never met on the lawn of the Lincoln memorial?!”
“Crazy! Huh!?”
“What the fuck? How fucked up were you?”
“Pretty fucking fucked up!”
“Jesus, Fuck! Jess!” Dave practically grunted.
“Almost got a arrested too...we were running away from the cops...he was only in his boxers.” Jess almost sounded proud.
“This stopped being crazy and is now just stupid. You know better than that!”
“Whatever. I needed an adventure. We ended up back here.”
“And?” Dave sighed. He already knew the end to this story. Jess’ exploits had been getting more and more outrageous lately. Dave was not exactly sure what was gong on, but ever since he and Chris became really serious, Jess started in on a whole renaissance of her slutty days. But this...this took the cake.
“We drank a lot more booze and screwed all night.”
“Jess...”
“What? Am I not allowed to be crazy?”
“No! You’re a high school teacher! You’re supposed to be responsible and set an example. You’re a grown woman, Jess...Fuck! Screwing in the bushes behind the Lincoln! What would have...”
“Dave...nothing happened. He stayed over and then left yesterday around one...actually, he was still pretty drunk.”
Dave made a displeased noise. This was not the Jess he knew and loved. And, sure, they'd had some rather crazy days back in college...but wasn’t there a point when you had to stop doing the crazy shit and start acting like an adult.
“You’re mad.” Jess’ voice was hesitant, questioning.
“No...I’m worried and unhappy. This is not like you at all!”
“You know what happens when I drink Jack.”
“Which is why you don’t drink it! Come on.”
“I get to be stupid and crazy once in a while. Dave...come on. You’re the guy who did a whole shit ton of bed hopping like six months ago.”
“Yeah, but never in public...never on a national monument!”
“Whatever. Look... it happened. It was crazy and I had a great time. But now I’m safe and sound in my own home...still nursing a killer headache, mind you, but I’m fine. Dave, you worry too much.”
“Are you just fucking figuring that out now? And yes, I fucking worry. This is not normal shit, Jess...this is crazy shit that you never do!"
“No. Lord no. But I am saying that you don’t have to worry about me, Dave. I’m a grown woman - I promise, I can take care of myself. I promise!”
“Jess, I know...I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I know, love. I’m being careful.”
Dave grunted. He was not quite as sure about that as she seemed to be. He knew that she believed she was being careful, but in all honesty she actually seemed to be doing dumber and dumber things. Dave had heard about enough of these ‘adventures’ to know that she was taking some rather significant risks. Everything from sex on the lawn of a national monument, to almost having sex in the washroom of some bar, to picking up a cashier...simply because she could. Things were getting out of hand.
Dave had been so wrapped up in his own emotional garden of eden - and now turmoil - that he’d not really noticed all this crap that was happening around him. He’d become completely absorbed by his relationship that the reality of his best friend’s craziness had not actually dawned on him.
Dave shook his head as he listened to Jess talk about her drunk paramour from the other night. How the hell was he going to deal with her and her sudden craziness, and handle this whole Chris thing.
He sighed inwardly.
They talked for a while longer. Mostly about how Dave was going to deal with his talk with Chris that night. Dave promised her that he would not freak out. That he wouldn’t jump to any conclusions, and would listen to Chris and have an honest conversation. Dave got Jess to promise to call him before she went off on another adventure. Although, she clearly did not think it was needed, she said she would try to stop with the crazy antics.
Once they’d hung up, Dave sat staring at the phone in his hands. Unlocking the phone, he tapped the message icon. His thumbs stilled over the keyboard. Totally unsure as to what he should write...but he needed to say something. After that talk with Jess, he needed to...reach out.
Hey. Just had the worst chat with Jess. I wanted to tell you, I miss you and I’m sorry. I can’t wait to see you later.
He knew that Chris wouldn’t be able to return the text till much later, especially if he was in the bowels of the FBI building. Dave flopped back onto his couch. Staring up the at the ceiling, he couldn’t decide of sending Chris that message had made him feel better or worse. Somehow, it was a mixture of the the two.
He couldn’t lose Chris, too. No...he was going to fight for him. No matter what.