[Multichapter] The beginning (19/20)
Title: The beginning
Author: tsuchi8562
Beta: syunikiss1990 <-- Thank you so very much!
Banner: andreja1989 <-- Thank you a lot~!
Pairing: SakurAiba
Rating: PG-15 (this chapter)
Genre: AU, psychological, romance, drama
Disclaimer: All I own is plot.
*MASTERPOST*
He felt sweet weight on his chest and smiled. He didn't remember much from previous night, even though he wasn't drunk. It was like god or whatever rules this world wanted to erase all past and let him start anew with this sweet man next to him.
"Did I wake you up?" Masaki whispered and looked up to catch Sho's eyes. Something was not right but Sakurai couldn't put a finger on it.
"No, I was awake for a while already." The older man ruffled the latter's hair and smiled. "Want some breakfast?"
"I'll make some, it's my job." Masaki smiled and pecked Sho's cheek. "You're my master after all..."
"What?! Masaki, wait!" Sakurai frowned and looked at the man disappearing in the kitchen. Then it hit him hard. He was in his old apartment. Scripts were lying on the small table, ready to be checked whenever the editor will find some time.
Sho woke up with his heart racing and lungs which couldn't catch air. What was that? Why he saw unchanged Masaki now, after all those months? Now, when the younger man seems to be more mature than Sakurai himself?! Did his imagination try to show him something; point some things he should pay attention to? Their last meeting was calm and... normal, just as it should be. The older man told about his life without Masaki, how he felt and how he dropped on the very bottom; how he swam back up, with his stubbornness and urge to get better. This looked like if he was talking to Takarai. The latter didn't ask any questions, just listened to him in silence and nodded from time to time which make Sakurai feel uncomfortable. He didn't hear anything about the younger one, even if he tried to ask few questions. Something was wrong and that made all Sho's fears come back, intensified and more terrifying.
"Excuse me, how much is for that book?" Customer's voice brought him back to earth. Because of his thoughts he didn't remember how he got to work and how come he didn't make any mistakes.
"It's 3,500 yen but this is second part. I am afraid we sold every copy of the first one..."
"Oh, I know... I have the first one." The woman smiled and after exchanging few words about the plot of the book she paid and left the store. Sakurai was alone again and had some time to rest and, of course, think about his next meeting with Masaki which was supposed to be the next day. Even though they set it in the late afternoon Sho took a day off to get ready; more mentally than in any other way. As promised, he will hear the other one's story, how his therapy went and how he was spending his time but after their first conversation Sakurai already knew that the latter changed quite a lot. The small things like his smile, laugh, voice and spark in eyes were the same but the way he talked and what he was saying belonged to total stranger. It was way too early to notice how much Masaki had changed through the years and if the love still in his heart. On the other hand, were the older man's feelings still the same? Does Sho love Masaki? The answer hit ex-editor hard and painfully. He didn't know. Simply, he wasn't sure what he has hidden in his heart, if there is anything in the first place. He closed himself in thick shell not allowing anybody to get too close and through months he slowly pushed away his past and memories of his life with the younger one.
It was hard for Sakurai to open up again for the latter. Even though he said he will wait for Masaki and will keep on loving him, life showed that this promise was impossible to keep. Sho hoped that there still was at least a bit of love in his heart for the younger one, waiting to be released. The older man was afraid to do that though.
"Don't force yourself okay? You wanted good but that was destroying you. Just talk with him, see what he wants to share with you and if the love is not there anymore, you both will go your own ways." Ohno sighed and his friend knew he was stressed out. Sakurai felt guilty for calling him out of blue but he needed to talk with somebody else that just his therapist.
"I know, I am over-thinking but I can't help it. What if he still loves me but I..."
"Sho, this is still Masaki. From what you told me I dare to say he is smarter and hella lot more mature than you right now. So stop acting like a sissy girl and talk to him. Meet him once, twice, seven times if needed and check your feelings. I am sure he will understand if there is no love anymore." Satoshi shouted something to somebody and made an annoyed sound. "I have to go... Apparently they didn't record my last song... Bunch of idiots... Call me when you get back, okay? No matter the time, I will be waiting."
"I will..."
"Oh, and Sho? Good luck."
"Thanks..." Sho took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Suddenly he felt really tired, so he looked at the time and decided to take a nap. If he is supposed to meet the one he loved the most, he needs to be rested. All this short nap did was making him drowsier and his head really heavy.
"No sense..." Sakurai whispered to himself while looking in his reflection in bathroom mirror. He felt nervous and a bit empty. Masaki called him a bit earlier that day and changed their plans. Instead of meeting the older man in the same cafe as before, he mailed him his address and asked to come straight to his apartment. On one hand they can talk more openly and without any stress there but on the other, they will be alone and possibility of many awkward moments of silence was high. Still, Sho agreed and couple of hours later he was slowly walking down the street, heading to the station. On his way he tried to think of all possible scenarios, from them ending in bed till Masaki confessing he is in love with the girl from the clinic and that they are expecting a baby. Neither of the options seemed good, all of them had huge consequences and the question that settled in Sho's mind disturbed him quite a lot. What if he doesn't love you anymore? What will you do then?
"I will have to get over him..." Sakurai mumbled not caring if anyone heard him. He decided to shut his mind off during the train trip, focusing only on getting off on the right station and then on finding the address which he already managed to memorize. Sakurai will worry about his future after today. But why he had a feeling this will be their last meeting?
"You're here! I was afraid I messed up with directions I gave you..." Masaki smiled widely and let the older man in.
"I hope I am not late..." Sho said quietly and took a look around. The furniture and colors of walls were different but the setting was exactly like in his old apartment. Sakurai didn't know should he be worried, shocked or happy with this. First of all he didn't know the purpose and meaning of this and maybe this was just the most comfortable setting in this kind of apartment...
"Do you want something to drink?" Masaki's voice brought him back to reality. The older man just nodded and sat on the couch, trying to calm down his racing heart. He was alone with the one he shared the most intimate moments with and who he loved the most. The time of course made Sho revaluate his feelings, hide them deep inside and burry under tons of coldness so it was natural that he felt a bit awkward. The younger one will share his part of the story today and this made Sakurai scared. On one hand he of course wanted to listen to what happened with Masaki, knew his part of the story but on the other... What if this meeting is only to make very clear they won't see each other anymore? What if the hope Sho still had somewhere deep inside will be crushed? It will be the final strike which can break him into many pieces with no certainty of getting better once again...
"Hope beer is fine... I guess that it will help both of us relax a bit... You seem tensed..."
"Well, I am. Don't get me wrong, we met after very long time and I have no idea what I will hear from you today. So yes, the beer is a good idea."
"You will hear only truth. I can promise you that." Masaki smiled and sat next to the latter, handing him a can. Sakurai nodded and took a sip, letting the alcohol spread in his veins and silence the doubts and fears he had. Without delaying the younger man started to talk about his time spent in the clinic.
"If you have any questions, feel free to interrupt me, ne? What should I start from..."
"The beginning would be nice." Ex-editor chuckled on his lame joke and leaned back, making sure he has good view on the other man's face. Masaki was more beautiful then ever and... he seemed older, more mature. The therapists did a good job.
"Yeah, you're right... Though the start was awful... Don't get me wrong, my love for you was so damn strong at that time and I left you without any chance to see you or at least talk to you for years... With this feeling of huge lost and the fact I won't be able to talk about it with anyone... I thought I will die..."
"Masaki..." Sho was left with his mouth half open when the latter raised his hand and shushed him.
"I just thought that I will die. As you see I didn't. I never said anything about our relationship but I think Tachibana-sensei knew about it... She was giving me homework each day and even if it was just simple things like writing down things I hate or love, she always gave hints for me to deal with the feelings I hid from the world." The younger one took a sip of his beer and continued. "First year was very difficult. Even though my past was kept from other patients you know how it is. Rumors spread really fast, one of them even said I a son of the Emperor... Funny, ne? But those stupid gossiping brought troubles I don't want to talk about..." Masaki took a deep breath and it was clear he was near crying.
"You don't need to tell me everything." Sho smiled and thought that the distance between them doubled in one second.
"Things you don't want to talk about are your enemies. This is what I was taught. So even though I don't want to talk about it, I will. Patients started to tell weird things about me, part of them were true though... I was almost r-raped twice. Fortunately they didn't manage to do any harm, just mauled me. But this made me close in my shell even tighter... I was in a real mess, I hated everyone from Kurokawa to even you for letting me go, for not protecting me..."
"I'm sorry... I..." Sho frowned and felt how his heart is breaking again and again, falling in million pieces. How could he make Masaki go through this alone?!
"No, it's okay. It's not your fault. I think I needed this experience to finally swim up from the very bottom of despair I was at. I was a child lost in the forest but I felt you are watching over me from the distance. Thanks to this and to therapy I managed to get to where I am now." The younger one shrugged and leaned back to have a better view on Sakurai's face. Sho wanted to ask about so many things, about all details from each minute when they were apart but words stuck in his throat. After all Masaki used past tense when he talked about his feelings... It was obvious everything is over and the latter wanted to meet just for sake of the old times and because he thought he owes this to ex-editor.
"You're awfully quiet..."
"I'm just listening..." Sakurai said quietly and finished his beer. This was going not the way it was supposed to; not even an inch in the right direction. This should end four long years ago so now the wounds which barely healed wouldn't be scratched all over again.
"So... Doctors in the clinic and Nezu-chan helped me a lot."
"Nezu?"
"Ah... It's a girl you saw me with the other day. She was also a patient in the same clinic, different ward of course. We used to talk a lot in the garden about everything, the weather, meds, flowers, life, nature, animals... Those conversation helped me and her to get better. Paradoxically, her immaturity showed me how much I have grown up through the months there. After I left the facility I was asked to be her guide. You know, act like her older brother and take care of her when she will go out."
"Did you notice she has a crush on you? I saw the way she looked at you and then at me when I talked to you..." Sho held his breath after the question. He just had to hear it's over from the other man's lips. This will hurt like hell but at least it will be sincere.
"Yeah, that's the problem now. She is perfectly aware I don't feel anything like that for her but somehow she hopes. When we met that day in the clinic we were on consultation with our therapist, asking for new schedules for the treatment. I need to make the distance between us bigger and she accepted that..."
"You mean you don't feel anything more for her?" Don't cling to that hope you idiot, don't let it destroy you... The older man scolded himself internally and coughed quietly when his lungs demanded air.
"No. There is only one person in the entire world I love, you should know that... Unless something changed..."
"W-what?"
"I am saying I am in love with you Sho. I was, am and will be, no matter what. Did you doubt that?" Masaki frowned and moved few inches closer, so Sakurai could feel his warmth and this wonderful scent. Was this a dream? Did his imagination decided to make a cruel joke right now and he will wake up in his old apartment, barely alive from sadness and hunger? Or is he in heaven already?
"Sho?"
"I... It's not like that... I... I made a promise and I tried a lot to keep it but you already know how it ended. That's why I closed you very deep inside my heart and kept you there, trying to live my life the best I could with Satoshi's help..."
"I know. That's why I didn't come to you just after I got out. God knows I wanted but when I went to your apartment you weren't there. So I went to the only place I knew for sure didn't change - to Jun-kun..."
"You went to Matsumoto? Why?!" Sho was upset. It was obvious that he and Jun don't like each other much and the thought Masaki went to the journalist first made the older man mad.
"It was the only address I knew. I wanted to find you and I hoped Jun-kun knows where you are. I met Ninomiya-san there and he told me about you... That you almost died out of sadness and loneliness and that you are slowly getting better. I... I thought that I will do the same what you did for me, give you time to recover. I heard you are doing well with getting better and my presence could just make it worse. That's why I waited."
"How long?"
"Just a bit more than a year..."
"What?!"
"I needed to be sure you are fine. And I used that time to set my own life, find an apartment and a job... I am pretty much a real grown up man. I am just missing one important thing in my life. Love..."
"You're not missing anything." Sho whispered, not trusting his own voice. He was still not sure of what his feelings but he knew that he wanted to try to start over again. Right from the beginning built a relationship with strong foundations they already had. With time he will manage to dig out all the love he has for Masaki and who knows, maybe it will be more powerful than before?
"Sho, are you sure of what you just said? I don't want to force you to anything, if you don't feel anything for me I will understand and..."
"Shut up already..." Sakurai sounded maybe a bit too harsh. "Sorry... Just stop asking me all over again about the same things. I made a promise and I kept it. Not because I owed you something but because I do love you. If you don't keep a promise made to the most important people in your life then who are you? Listen, let's just start over again, from scratch. We have a blank piece of paper and let's write our story from the first word till the last dot. From the beginning..."
"Sounds good... I... I just hope you don't want to go too slow with it... Because I waited for your kiss for ages already and I feel that if I won't get that now I will explode..." The younger one smiled and his cheek became reddish. Sho chuckled and moved closer, having the latter's face just few inches away. His heart was pounding hard and he almost saw it moving his sternum. Sakurai wanted so much to join their lips together in heated, almost brutal kiss but instead he moved few wisps from the younger one's temple.
"Your hair is a lot longer than I remembered... You're cuter that way..."
"S-sho..." Masaki's voice broke from impatience.
"Cutie..." Sho whispered and leaned for a kiss, feeling the taste he already forgot. Hurry could be felt in each lick and move but at the same time neither of them wanted to cross over the edge, making this caress is just a kiss. They will have time for more later, there was no need to push it forward in mad tempo. After a while which seemed to be only a nanosecond Sho moved away, pecking Masaki's lips few times on his way back.
"I think it's enough for today..."
"Unfortunately you're right... God, I didn't realize how much I missed that... How much I missed you..." The younger man smiled and without any warning he hugged his guest tight.
"I missed you too..." Sakurai sighed with a relief and his eyes fell on huge alarm clock, cursing quietly. "I have to go if I want to catch last train home. I would love to stay but I don't trust myself..."
"I would love if you could stay but yes, better not tempt the fate... But promise me we will see each other soon?" Masaki did his cute puppy eyes which reminded Sho old times and his heart started to ache.
"I will call you. I need to check my work schedule and such..." Sakurai didn't want to say he wanted to meet with Takarai before he will see the younger one again.
"Of course. I will be waiting..." Masaki smiled widely and hugged the other man tightly. "Call me when you get home, please. I will worry otherwise..."
"Yes mum..." Sho chuckled and raised his hand. When the door closed behind him and through all the way home his thoughts wandered around their past. It was time to close it and write another chapter, with brighter future, filled with love and happiness.
"From the beginning..." Sakurai whispered and smiled to his reflection in the train's window.