[Multichapter] The beginning (18/20)
Title: The beginning
Author: tsuchi8562
Beta: syunikiss1990 <-- Thank you so very much!
Banner: andreja1989 <-- Thank you a lot~!
Pairing: SakurAiba
Rating: PG-13 (this chapter)
Genre: AU, psychological, romance, drama
Disclaimer: All I own is plot.
*MASTERPOST*
In the past couple of years his days were practically the same. Sakurai got up at 5 am each morning, went jogging, eat breakfast, go to work in small bookstore near his new apartment, work for 12 hours and go back home way too tired to do anything else that just jump in bed and fall asleep. Each Tuesday and Thursday he had a meeting with his therapist, Takarai Hideto and simply talked about his life, thoughts and feelings. During last few months he made great progress and instead of meeting his psychologist five times, he could only twice a week. Sho was in the clinic for six months, treating his deep depression and just trying to put everything in his life in order. He found a job near books which he loved, soon after he moved out from Ninomiya's house and now he was happily living in narrow apartment in the attic. Sakurai liked it a lot, mostly because it was quiet and the view from there was breathtaking. Green park with fountains and small pond with koi fishes, so peaceful...
Loud sound of his phone brought him back to reality. Sho didn't know who can call him this late but it has to be something important.
"Hello?" Sakurai didn't even look at the display, too nervous to check the caller's ID. "Hello?" He repeated but the person on the other side didn't say a word. Sho was about to hung up when a low, scary voice whispered four words.
"I hope you'll die."
"W-who is this? Hello? Hello?! HELLO?" Ex-editor's blood froze in his veins when all he could hear was silence. Who could that be? Sakurai didn't have any enemies or at least he didn't know any of them. Though on the other hand... Could it be Kurokawa, still jealous and angry at Sho because his slave was taken away from him? But how could he have the number and why would he call after all those years? Wait... Maybe he escaped from the prison? Maybe he found Masaki and did something horrible to him and now he wanted to kill Sakurai as well?!
"Masaki..." Former editor whispered and all emotions and feelings he kept deep inside flowed feely, breaking all dams he built up through all the months... He let it drown him, desperately trying to catch some air and think straight. Without knowing what he is doing, he dialed his personal emergency number and called his best friend Ohno.
"S-satoshi... I... I can't... Can you come?" Sho's voice was trembling and words barely managed to leave his squeezed throat.
"What happened?! Sho? Are you there?" The actor tried to keep this conversation going, leaving the house probably as the ring of keys was audible. Sakurai focused on breathing, trying to chase the panic attack away. He didn't have those for a very long time but he remembered how to handle them, just as his therapist taught him. By the time Ohno reached his friend's apartment, Sho was sipping icy water slowly. This was another way he learned from Takarai-sensei to stay calm.
"I am fine... Sorry I called you all of sudden, I should wait..."
"No, it's damn good you called. What happened?" Satoshi exhaled with relief and sat next to the younger man. For a while Sakurai didn't say a word, just when the actor coughed softly, he took a deep breath and smiled weakly.
"Some phone prank I guess..."
"Well, whatever that was it scared the shit out of you, so you better talk. Who was that?"
"I don't know, it was a call made from hidden number. A male voice said I hope you'll die... I didn't get scared, Satoshi-kun. I just... I just thought it was Kurokawa and then my imagination went wild..." Sho smiled and finished his water, avoiding any eye contact with the latter.
"You thought about Masaki, didn't you? Sho, you put a lot of effort to get better. Don't make one stupid call destroy it. We need to tell police about that."
"Why? Because some lonely old man called me and said what he thinks? It's not that he will do anything... Don't worry, it'll be okay..."
"Okay... But you need to tell your doctor about your panic attack. Sho?" The older man sighed and bit his lower lip as if he wasn't sure if he should ask what he wanted. "Are you still thinking about him?"
"No, and that's my problem. Takarai-sensei said it's not good to keep it inside, that it will only get worse that way. I didn't listen to him... How could I get better if every thought about him hurt so damn much I couldn't breathe? But now I see he was right. I should embrace this pain and make it my friend, instead I threw him in dark cellar. And when it got free, it almost choked me..."
"I don't think you should tell that to me, Sho. Save it for the doctor. I will stay with you tonight, I have nothing to do anyway. Have anything to eat?" With his usual manner Ohno went to the fridge and took out some sandwiches which were left from lunch. Sakurai smiled and didn't argue, knowing this won't change anything. He knew he will have to meet his psychologist next day, at least for few minutes and maybe get some sleeping pills. And try his way to handle with his pain, sadness and loneliness.
"Embrace the pain, huh?"
***
"What did you feel after that call?" Takarai leaned back in his chair and waited for a reply. He wasn't the usual type of therapist you imagined. With his long hair tied in ponytail, huge mug with steamy green tea and probably the most comfortable chairs in the world you could tell he was quite eccentric. Nevertheless Sho trusted him and felt free to talk about everything he wanted, without keeping secrets.
"I left out the monster... I wasn't scared about me, I was afraid he is out and he did something to M-masaki." Sakurai still couldn't say the name calmly, without stuttering. "I think I should listen to you, sensei. Keeping those feelings inside made this attack happen. I am just afraid that by doing this I will get back to where we started..."
"Not necessarily. Of course, if you would listen to me in the first place you would be fully healthy by now but... Let's try to use that strength you used to keep memories inside. Don't do it all at once, like it happened the other day, but try to open the doors slowly, grab one thing at a time, taste it and let it settle down in you without a rush. I won't say it will be painless but with preparations it should be bearable. Sakurai-san, just be aware that this can mean getting back on meds and visit me more often..."
"I know, sensei. I am prepared for that..."
"Okay, so I'll give you homework for next meeting and we can call it a day. I want you to tell me about the first time you realized you are in love with Masaki. Nothing that happened later or before, just the beginning of your feelings. Write down everything you want to say about it if you need. Can you do that?"
"Yes, I think I can. I will try for sure. Thank you..." Sho smiled, bowed gently and went out of Takarai's office with head full of chaos. Through the years his memories mixed with nightmares he had, the pictures he imagined and hopes he fed himself on. He will have to separate the truth from the lies and be as honest with his psychologist as possible. Also, Sakurai had to decide at which point he felt something to the younger one. He always thought it happened slowly, as their life together simply lead to that moment which was impossible to define. Sho told the doctor everything, including true nature of relationship with Masaki. Takarai didn't judge him and kept everything for himself focusing more on healing his patient than anything else. He even once said that he is like a Christian priest and his office is confessional, so nothing Sakurai will tell him leaves the walls. This made Sho sure he can leave all his fears outside and talk openly about his feelings and thus feel better. With passing time he slowly let out everything he kept inside. Love he had for Masaki, how much he misses him, how much he wanted to contact him but he couldn't... The promise he made the younger one and he broke. Sakurai wasn't waiting for the one he loved anymore, he gave up and decided to move on without any trace of Masaki in his life. Talking made him feel better and embracing his happy past with the younger man which had to end. Accepting your fate, even the worse, gives you strength and ideas how to start anew.
"Are you still taking the pills?" The doctor asked seriously, noting something down.
"I finished one phial and didn't start new one yet. I don't think I need them, my mind is clear..."
"And what about your heart? Don't get me wrong, your mind was always clear and sharp, it's the heart which needed to be repaired. How are you feeling when you talk about Masaki?"
"I still feel a light ache but I think this is normal, right? I mean, I loved him, he loved me and we lost it. For greater cause of course but still, this is something that is supposed to hurt, right?" Sho smiled and took a deep breath. He didn't feel so light and... free... in a very long time. And he got back something he could freely treasure - freedom of thought about the one he still loved, though maybe in a slightly different way. The most important question is, is he ready to meet Masaki? There was a high possibility the younger one will try to contact him when he settles all things in his life but is Sakurai really ready to face him? How should he act then? Should he hug him or keep the distance between them? Should he tell him he missed him or keep it for himself? What should I do? This question haunted him for over a week and even he was aware that he has to answer it, he simply asked Takarai about it. It was just after their meeting, when both men were standing in front of psychologist's office.
"You know well I am not the one who is supposed to tell you that. But don't worry, the answer will come naturally."
"Easy for you to say... I am not sure if he wants to meet me anyway..." Sho chuckled and took a deep breath. With each passing day and confession he made Masaki's face become clearer. He was around twenty two years old now, thirteen years younger than Sakurai... Ex-editor smiled and looked at the doors to the clinic, gasping for air from the sight. Is it true or his imagination tortures him sending the image of the one he loved the most in the world? "M-masaki?!"
"What?" Takarai frowned and looked in the same direction. "You mean this guy...?"
"Y-yea..." Sho said weakly and wanted to turn his eyes away but he couldn't. He was staring almost rudely at the man he used to know very well but who now could be a total stranger. The younger one put on some weight and looked healthier and he was smiling like never before... There was a young woman standing next to him, blushing and it was more than obvious she at least had a crush on the latter. Sakurai froze on the spot, his body not knowing how is should react except the fastened heartbeat and breath.
"You know, sometimes it's better to just jump in the pouring rain to see if it's really that cold and awful..." The psychologist smiled and pushed his patient towards Masaki, who was practically leaving the building. Without thinking twice, with loud voice reminding him about promise he made Sho walked fast towards the one he loved and stopped as soon as his eyes met the younger ones. Sakurai smiled weakly and raised his hand to greet the other one, not sure what was good to be said except simple hi.
"H-hey... What are you doing here?" Masaki smiled back and came closer, a bit rudely forgetting about the girl who was with him. For the next few minutes neither of them said a word, just looking at each other with a bit too awkward smiles glued to their faces.
"You look good..." The younger one finally broke the muteness. His hair was longer and somehow browner than Sho remembered it.
"Thank you. You look... different. Good different of course..." Sakurai started to be nervous all over again. This wasn't anything like he imagined... He expected whether a hug or pretending to be strangers but this? It was like meting two schoolmates who never were that close in the first place and that brought the older man disappointment. On the other hand though, it's been a long time since they saw each other for the last time... How else should it be if not like this???
"So... You're meeting here with someone? How are you?" Masaki asked, trying to keep the conversation going. Sho just nodded, without explaining anything. How could he tell that he was a wreck of a human being without the man who was standing in front of him? How could he say he is taking therapy here? This, of course, will have to be said but not just yet, it's way too early for that. The only solution here was to lie, no matter what...
"I am doing well I think... How about you?"
"Aiba-kun?" Woman annoyed voice didn't allow the younger one to answer on that question. Masaki sighed and quickly scribbled something on small piece of paper and handed that to the latter.
"Please, call me tonight, no matter the time. I want to talk to you, maybe we can grab some coffee sometime this week? I have to go now... Don't forget to call me!"
"I will..." Sakurai smiled and hid the piece of paper in his pocket. The younger one walked away with the girl and soon they disappeared behind the corner. That was it... Their first meeting after more than four years. Simple, short and awkward but at least the ex-editor managed to get Masaki's number. It was a good start though, without unnecessary emotions and overreacting. The older man smiled and went back to his small apartment, feeling like a very heavy burden was taken off his shoulders. Finally he could close this chapter of his life, no matter what end the fate brings. Sakurai fell on the couch and closed his eyes, trying to put everything in the right order in his head for the nth time already. Whatever the latter decides, he needs to accept it and move on and to do that he needs this talk. Making everything clear between them and start anew.
"You seriously think about it too much..." Sho said to himself and sighed. As Takarai said, he should just let it flow with its own rhythm and direction, without interfering or trying to get back to the starting point so all he should do is to act normally as if nothing happen. Keep the safe distance and explain everything. However no matter how hard he tried, his hands were trembling when he dialed Masaki's number. They set their meeting for next evening, after Sakurai's work. So that's it... This is what he dreamed of since their last night together...
***
"Long time no see..." The older man smiled and clenched hands in fists without even noticing it.
"Yeah, it's been a while. I... I want to ask you about so many things but I don't know what to start from..."
"Maybe from simple 'how are you?'" Sho couldn't stop looking at the latter's face. It was more beautiful he remembered...
"How are you then?"
"To be honest I don't know... Well, generally I am fine... I have my work, apartment not so far away from here..." Sakurai shrugged. "It's normal..."
"I heard something different..." Masaki looked down on the steamy cup which was put in front of him a minute ago. He wasn't smiling, just bit his lower lip as he always did when he thought he did something bad. "I talked with Jun-kun and he told me all about your work in Nezumi Publishing, your fight with depression... So let me ask you again and this time stop with the lies. How are you?" Younger one raised his gaze and looked straight at the latter's face.
The older man's eyes opened wide and words drowned in his throat. He was shocked more by how much Masaki had grown up than by the fact he knew very well what was going on with him. Was it the only thing that changed?
"I didn't lie. I am fine. What Matsumoto told you is far behind me. I still need some consultation from time to time but everything is okay now. You shouldn't ask anybody about me, just come to me..."
"I know but... I wasn't sure you remember me... I know you promised to wait for me but I couldn't allow myself for the luxury of believing it. Not because I didn't trust you but because I needed to be ready for whatever fate will bring us. That's why I called Jun-kun around a year ago and asked about you... He told me everything..."
"Wait... A year ago?! How... Why... Why didn't you contact me back then?!"
"I was still in the clinic and allowed to make contact with outside... I thought of calling you, I missed your voice so much! But then, I thought what if he forgot about me? What if he has somebody else? I needed to be sure I can talk with you and that you are okay so I called Jun-kun. You weren't okay and I felt I am nobody to interfere in your healing process. That's why I waited and I would probably keep on waiting if we didn't meet back in the clinic."
"Then it's good we had met there..." Sho smiled and leaned a bit forward. He was a bit upset that Masaki talked about him behind his back but on the other hand he could understand it very well. "Enough about me, tell me how are you?"
"No..." The latter shook his head. "I want to save it for our next meeting." Masaki smiled and took a sip of his vanilla cappuccino. "I want to hear everything about you. Why are you not editor anymore, where are you living?"
"I think you know everything already from Matsumoto..."
"But I want to hear it from you. I know Jun-kun doesn't like you much so he could overdraw few things... Come on, tell me since the beginning... And don't hide anything from me, I will know if you lie."
"It won't be that great story..."
"I don't care."
"As you wish..." Sho took a deep breath and finished his coffee, letting the words flow and feeling lighter with each sentence. Masaki listened to him without interrupting, nodding from time to time and asking questions. The only thought Sakurai had in the back of his mind was is it the beginning of their future?