[Multichapter] The beginning (17/20)
Title: The beginning
Author: tsuchi8562
Beta: syunikiss1990 <-- Thank you so very much!
Banner: andreja1989 <-- Thank you a lot~!
Pairing: SakurAiba
Rating: PG-13 (this chapter)
Genre: AU, psychological, romance, drama
Disclaimer: All I own is plot.
*MASTERPOST*
Cold emptiness. Those were the only words which could describe everything what was happening in both Sho's heart and his apartment. Since Masaki was gone, Sakurai became sadder with each day and couldn't focus on anything, fighting with urge of calling the younger man just to hear his voice. The editor knew it will be tough for him but he didn't think it will be that hard. Nights were the worst. If he managed to get some sleep, the teenager's face haunted him in his dreams, leaving him restless. This state prolonged. Sho didn't eat well and couldn't focus on anything, remembering only to take his heart meds regularly. Week passed after week, months after months and the editor found himself sitting in his living room staring into the darkness with empty mind. Slowly he became a shadow of a man he used to be, losing his job somewhere on the way. He didn't even remember was he fired or he quit by himself. Sakurai's phone was ringing constantly but he gathered the strength to answer one in ten calls. The only sentence that was screaming in his head drowned every other sound.
You cannot contact him
"I knocked but you didn't open, so I allowed myself to get in..." Ninomiya's voice sounded really close to Sho's ear.
"I can't call him..." Sakurai whispered involuntarily, noticing the writer only few seconds later. "Oh! Ninomiya-san, I didn't hear you... What brings you here?" The older man smiled weakly and got up, shuffling to the kitchen to prepare some tea.
"I got worried, because I found out you quit your job half year ago and you don't answer my calls..." Kazunari looked around and frowned, seeing all the mess in the apartment. Windows seemed to be covered with thick curtains for a long time now, the air was stuffy and mail was all over the place. "I would come here earlier but had some deadlines I had to meet..."
"I'm sorry... But as you can see I am fine, so no need to worry. Better tell me how your new book is going?"
"Don't change the subject. I didn't come here to talk about my work. And stop lying to me, I see clearly that you are not fine at all. Better tell me the truth. How are you?"
"I am okay. Maybe a bit distracted. I am looking for a new job now, but without any results..." Sho couldn't believe how easily he could lie to the latter. He had to hide the surprise and shock of finding out that he was the one who left Nezumi Publishing. Six months?! What did I do for such long time?
"With all due respect but I don't believe you." Ninomiya took a sip of steaming drink and sighed loudly. "Sakurai-san, you look like half of the man you were before. You are pale, way too thin and have dark circles under your eyes. This is not distraction. It looks like depression to me." Kazunari didn't allow the latter to reply and without even thinking what he is doing, he started to clean the letters which were all over the floor. The ex-editor didn't know what to do or say. Deep inside he knew the younger man was right and that he needs help but a loud voice efficiently set his thoughts on one direction. He was alone, missed his Masaki like hell, forced himself to stop thinking about him... The harder he forced himself to forget, the better he remembered every single moment spent with the teenager, every word. The younger one's face appeared in front of his eyes constantly, scratching still fresh wounds.
"What the hell is that?!" Ninomiya's voice woke him up from the fantasies and Sho had to remember why the latter was in his apartment...
"What?"
"This is official letter from your landlord. It says you didn't pay rent for four months already and that you have to leave this apartment before... Wednesday?!"
"Oh, yes... I guess I was distracted a bit with looking for a job and so on... I will look for something soon..."
"Wednesday is day after tomorrow... And how the hell you want to find anything without having any job? That's it... I am taking you to my place. Pack the most needed things and let's go. I will arrange somebody to take your stuff tomorrow."
"No... I appreciate your offer, but I don't want to be a bother to anyone. I will be fine, I will find a new place and..."
"This is my final word. And I believe you know that if I want something, I will get it so don't argue with me, get a grip and pack your things. I have to make a phone call." Kazunari disappeared in the living room and soon after Sakurai heard him talking with someone. Maybe the writer was right? Maybe he shouldn't be alone and try to get back to his life? Right now he was getting very close to the top of a cliff. If he goes on like this, he will hit the rock hard bottom and won't survive. There is still way back, harder than the path he took to the place he was in right now but not impossible to walk through. However, why he had to accept Ninomiya's help? Won't he remind him about the one he had lost and all the things he got through?
"All set. You will live in my house until you will get better. I talked to Jun, he doesn't like the idea I will move out of his apartment but he will understand..." Kazunari kept talking about their nearest future. Sho only nodded, without listening, trying to figure out what he should take with himself and also, taking few seconds to think about Matsumoto's and the writer's relationship. It seemed they were living together for at least five months now. Ninomiya moved in to the journalist's apartment seven months after the trial, at least the rumors were stating that. They seemed to be a very good couple...
"Are you listening to me?" The younger man asked, annoyed. He mumbled something incoherently and without any hesitation, he went to he latter's bedroom and looked for a bag or a suitcase.
"I will get it, please... You are doing more than enough for me already..." Sho smiled weakly and quickly placed few pieces of clothing, toothbrush and some other needed things inside big brown bag. Maybe changing of scenery will help him? Maybe this is a medicine for his state he managed to get himself in? Everything in his apartment reminded him of Masaki and the time they spent together and that caused him almost physical pain.
"Are you ready?" Writer's voice broke the stream of his thoughts and brought him back on the ground. Sakurai just nodded and shuffled to genkan, to put on his shoes and jacket. Words somehow stuck in his throat and he didn't say a thing, letting the younger man guide him to the car. All the way Ninomiya was talking about his new book and some trivial things, whether to distract Sho from his sadness or just to kill the silence. When they reached Kazunari's house, the taller man went to the bathroom and took a very long and hot bath, hoping this will relax him. He was invited for a dinner but he didn't feel like eating or drinking anything, so he just went to the guest room and collapsed on the bed, staring at the ceiling. The only thing that changed was his surroundings and now except feeling only empty and sad, he was feeling like an intruder. Nothing seemed to help, like the coldness and hollowness followed him wherever he went. Sakurai took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to get some sleep and after couple of hours of wiggling in the bed, he managed to fall asleep with no dreams.
"Rise and shine!" Annoyingly loud voice went through his ears and stabbed his brain with sharp needles. The older man groaned and slowly opened his eyes. He felt as if he had huge hangover even though he didn't drink anything previous night.
"What time is it?" Sho whispered and sat up, wincing from pain that was pulsing in his temples.
"It's 7:00 am and I am taking you for a morning walk. No complaining, put your clothes on and come on, later we will have breakfast." Ninomiya stated somehow too merry for this early hour. When Sakurai didn't reply anything to that, the writer clicked his tongue and turned around, crossing his arms on his chest.
"Listen, I won't let you rot in bed and drown in your sadness. I know you feel shitty now and you miss Masaki, but you should get a grip. No matter how trivial it sounds." Kazunari opened the window and took a deep breath. The air was cold and smelled like rain. Sho groaned and sat up, rubbing his face and slowly standing up. The world spun around and he sat back on the bed, trying to stop room from dancing.
"Are you okay?" Ninomiya frowned and looked at his guest. Maybe it was the first time he really took a closer look at the older man because he noticed it just now. "Shit, Sho-kun! Do you even eat properly? You look like a ghost! Okay, the walk will wait I will give you the breakfast now. Stay in bed."
"I am fine..."
"Stop talking bullshit. Stay here and wait for me, I'll be right back." The writer cursed quietly and disappeared in the kitchen. Soon enough Sakurai could hear soft sounds of preparing a meal. The ex editor frowned, trying to recall when last time he eat something was but he couldn't think of anything. He also remembered he had an appointment with his cardiologist but the date disappeared from his memory. Sho decided to worry about it later. Now all he wanted to do was to silence his stomach which growled when the smell of food hit his nostrils. Why can't he get rid of this sadness? Why is he so tired all the time and feels like half of him was ripped off? Yes, Masaki was away and there was only shadow of a chance that he will come back to him but that was clear from the start. He had time to let the truth sink in. Sho should focus on his job and instead of that he was submerging in the pain, refusing to change a thing. He should stop thinking about the one he loved and focus on himself yet for over a year he acted as if the teenager walked out of his life just five minutes ago. Time to move on, before he becomes a total wreck, if he didn't become one already.
"Move your butt over here." Ninomiya's voice dragged him out of his thoughts. Sakurai shuffled to the kitchen and before he took a bite of the food, he looked at the latter and smiled weakly.
"I hope you cook better than I do... I don't want to feel worse than before..."
"What a joker! Look at him! You better stuff your mouth with food and shut up!" Kazunari pretended to be upset but it was clear he felt relief that Sho feels good enough to joke. The meal was way too tasty to eat it normally, so the older man had to control himself to eat slowly to avoid stomachache later on. During the breakfast he didn't think about Masaki even for a second.
"Thank you, it was great..." Sakurai whispered and got up to wash the dishes. Ninomiya sighed and bit his lower lip.
"I called your friend and told him what was going on with you..." The writer raised his hand to stop Sho from talking. "Before you rip my head off, please know that he was very worried about you and thanked me for the information. Listen, I think you should have a very close person nearby and as far as I know Ohno-kun is your only friend. He said he will come here tonight to talk to you, so I will go to Jun's place. You two should have opportunity to talk without any intruder."
"Thank you but you're wrong. Satoshi-kun is not my only friend..." Sakurai smiled and even got excited about the perspective of meeting with the actor. He didn't see his friend for at least four months already, both due to their busy schedule and later also because of the ex-editor's state. If there was a person who could make Sho happier and forget about the world - it was only Satoshi so when the actor came later in the evening with bag full of beer and snacks, Sakurai felt huge relief.
"My god, you look like shit..."
"Well, thank you, I knew I can count on you." The taller man smiled widely and hugged his friend tight. For those months he was wrapped in his sadness and emptiness he forgot how great it was to have a can of beer with a guy who was almost his brother. Ohno rambled about his job, whining that he doesn't have great offers anymore and wondering if he should record an album, since he always liked to sing.
"Sorry, I am talking only about myself but I came here to know how you are? I can see it's not good, but tell me how bad is it?"
"I don't know..." Sho shrugged. "I seriously don't know. I feel cold and empty, just as if somebody took out half of me. I don't even remember how I quitted my job... I practically don't remember a thing from past few months... If not Ninomiya-san, I probably would land somewhere on the street not caring about anything..."
"That bad huh?" Satoshi sighed and took a sip of his beer. "You should go to a specialist, this is classic depression."
"No, I am better now. I started to eat and will slowly get out of this. Besides, I can't afford the therapy now, I don't have a job... Right, I should start looking for something..."
"No. First, you should handle your mental state. Don't worry about the money, I will cover everything. And I am not taking no for an answer. You did a lot for me and this is the only way I can repay."
"Satoshi, you don't have to.... I will be okay, really..."
"This is my final word. I will find you the best specialist in Tokyo. We will make you go back to your old self, you'll see."
"I still need to get a job. I can't stay here forever." Sho sighed and sipped his beer slowly. He wanted to work but didn't know what would suit him better. He loves books for sure, but editing them is not quite what he wanted to do anymore. Sakurai sucked at writing, so he won't create any novel for sure...
"Sho, you are right but first I would focus on getting better if I were you. Take it slow, there is no need to rush. You have time." Satoshi smiled and leaned back on the couch. Sho knew very well his friend is right but still he didn't want to impose to anybody, especially to Ninomiya. The ex-editor just nodded and didn't say a word, getting lost in thoughts.
"Let's go karaoke!" Ohno said suddenly, getting weirdly excited.
"What?!"
"KA-RA-O-KE! Let's go and sing some old songs! Come on, you used to like it...."
"Yeah, especially that I suck at singing compared to you. You know what? I think you should record this album..."
"Come on, let's get wasted and sing Moonlight Densetsu till our voices disappear."
"Thank you, Satoshi but I am not in the mood. Better stay here and talk." Sakurai sighed and closed his eyes.
"You didn't contact him in any way? It's been almost two years now..." Ohno asked quietly and received only shake of head as an answer. "Yeah, you promised him you won't... Did he try to call you?"
"No. I clearly asked him not to. This will be better for everyone."
"Doesn't seem to be good for you though..." Ohno sighed and opened another can.
"It's not about me. Nothing of this is about me. Masaki has to focus on himself, without any ballast..."
"No, my friend. This is only about you. Masaki has good care, he is working hard to get better and become the one he should be long time ago, so there is no reason to be worried about him. But you... You are here, drying like a tree on a desert. You already lost your job, apartment and health. I know this will sound harsh and cruel but you should forget about him and move on to get better. Focus on yourself, just like you told him to do. And if you can't do that alone, I will help you." Satoshi got all serious, even though it was clear he was already tipsy. Sho didn't say a word, processing the thing he just heard. Of course the actor was right but the younger man didn't want to forget about the only person he truly loved. He considered it as cheating and that was the last thing he wanted to do.
"Sho, if he wants to come back how he will react seeing a wreck of a person he used to love?" Those words hit Sakurai hard. He never thought about it this way, what mattered to him was the pain he felt and the fact Masaki was not here. Sho was afraid that the teenager will change and the love between them will disappear in thin air but right now he was the one who became totally different person. Time to reach out and grab the helpful hand tight, not letting go until he will be dragged out of the swamp which swallowed him almost entirely. With guilt, he decided to close every memory about the man he loved deep in his heart and try to get better. This will take a lot of work and effort but he has to do it, for his own and Masaki's sake. For sake of their love, no matter how cheesy and pathetic it sounds.
"Earth to Sho... Come on, I am talking to you for ten minutes already and you are spacing out on me..." Ohno pouted but then laughed and got a hiccup. Soon the younger man joined him, seeing the future in brighter colors and with hope.