[Fanfict] Hitman Reborn - One Night in Bangkok Part 1 - 1896
Title: One Night In Bangkok
Author: yamikakyuu
Characters: TYL!Hibari and TYL!Chrome (1896)
Warnings: Ummm implied sex, Hibari pleases Chrome, TYL based storyline but takes place whenever that arcs ends and things go back to normal. Also...I have NEVER written something like this before...only implied smut, never implied sex sooooo...umm....be kind :3 ( Read more... )
Author: yamikakyuu
Characters: TYL!Hibari and TYL!Chrome (1896)
Warnings: Ummm implied sex, Hibari pleases Chrome, TYL based storyline but takes place whenever that arcs ends and things go back to normal. Also...I have NEVER written something like this before...only implied smut, never implied sex sooooo...umm....be kind :3 ( Read more... )
Comments 48
*cough* Anyway. I need to read it again since I was like =D~~~~~o throughout the ride (I couldn't even finish my persimmon ////) so I'm going to tell you later what I think of the basic idea/premise. I have to say, though, that for implicative smut that you agonised so much over, this turned out pretty good!
A bit of nitpicking, if I may XD:
- I believe the order of her name is Chrome first and then Dokuro instead of the usual Japanese order? Because Chrome is obviously not a Japanese name.
- "Course" XDDDDDDD. But then it's something of a trademark I guess.
- I seriously thought they were in Bangkok *headdesk*. That would've been... exotic. You know, warm sticky nights. And, uh, exotic flowers...
- How on earth did my Versace pic inspire you to write full-blown pron? o__O
You know what's strange? I actually imagined seki_yumizu's TYL!Chrome while reading this. Hers is more voluptuous and grown-up-looking than mine x__x ( ... )
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*nosebleeds*
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also your icon...that pic inspired this fict mostly.
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NO! CLIFFHANGER! *tugs on sleeve* please write part 2, please please please...
Um...um...I'll try to be a little more coherent, but my brain is having difficulty.
What I love: The lyrics give it a certain rhythm, languorous but in a way that you can still feel the tension underneath. Hibari...wow, he's IC. And Chrome! She's fighting back (although I have to ask...what happened to Mukuro?) And the Italian...it suits Hibari, although there's a certain cruelty to it.
Nitpickyness (really just something I'm kind of embarrassed to mention):
"Thankfully, or not, the second option came."
Um...I understand what you mean, but the phrasing is a little awkward?
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That seems to be a running theme right now with replies XD I will I will, it just...umm..has to come to me...
What I love: The lyrics give it a certain rhythm, languorous but in a way that you can still feel the tension underneath. Hibari...wow, he's IC. And Chrome! She's fighting back (although I have to ask...what happened to Mukuro?) And the Italian...it suits Hibari, although there's a certain cruelty to it.
So glad you thought Hibari was IC since well...I have no idea how hed be like that....o_o;; Ummm Mukuro...well, knowing him he's around XD I didnt really think about him but he might pop up in part 2, Im not sure yet...
The Italian idea was stolen borrowed from kill_me_faster's 1896+69 fict from a while back. She has Hibari speak Italian to Chrome but you knew it was really for Mukuro. I like this idea though its up to the reader as to which person my Hibari is talking too ( ... )
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Anyways, I thought the 'implied' sex was hot, really. And the way you wrote it really gives of this hopeful vibe, like...having a meaningless relationship wouldn't be enough for them because they love each other. I guess if I wanted to be nitpicky: Grabbing both her hands he thrusts them behind her head, pinning her wrists down with one hand. D-did you mean 'over her head?' >< Sorry, but otherwise, it was sexy and had a lovely TYL bleakness (like <3) to it and I WANT TO SEE PART TWO NAOW!!!
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Oh good catch! I did mean over XD Ill have to remember to fix that.
Implied sex is probably as far as Ill ever get some I glad I was able to convey it XD
Part 2 will come! eventually....
Thanks for your critique!
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WHAT IS THIS FKD:LFKJDS:UIOUREIORFUDFKJ:DKFDS!!!!!!!!!!!!?
I mean, seriously: god damn you. Not to, uh, put too fine of a point on it.
First of all, ouch. All the emotional gutpunch you managed to pack into this tiny of a space is amazing. :) The descriptions were really nice and sensual, and like Rune said, for all you went around screaming that you can't write smut, you did just fine! It was totally hawt, BTW.
Mmmm, so, some parts I really liked:
-for the record, delicious Italian was delicious. :) I wish more people used the language in their fanfics. It's so...fluid.
-Those had been the only words he had spoken. Everything else he conveyed with his body. Thrusting, biting, licking, penetrating. She had endured it all. She knew why he was doing this. Revenge. She deserved it in a sense but more important then that, more important then his need for compensation, she had enjoyed it. Ahhhh, this bit is so like Hibari that it's wonderful. ^__^ His inability to convey things out ( ... )
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First of all before I reply to your individual stuff can I say thanks so much for taking the time to reply in the way you did since I know you dont articulate as well in comments as you do in ficts, its much appreciated m(__)m brick'd by Demi again
First of all, ouch. All the emotional gutpunch you managed to pack into this tiny of a space is amazing. :) The descriptions were really nice and sensual, and like Rune said, for all you went around screaming that you can't write smut, you did just fine! It was totally hawt, BTW.I still dont think I can write smut XD Not like you! I copped out in so many places D: Went for easy references when I could have gone into more detail, but for me detail is a dbl edged sword since I dont want to get too descriptive XD ( ... )
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Yeah, well, anyway, you'd better be cracking on that next part or I think Rune and I will skin you together. :) You've got a gorgeous story running here, and it'll be a shame if it never gets finished. Also, uh, moar porn. :D Because I am a fiend.Ohhhhh Runedaime already said she'd whip me if I didnt get cracking XD Must please the boss 8D My only concern with Part 2 at the moment is since I cut Hibari's line (which wasnt planned in the beginning) Im afraid what I originally had in mind wont be liked XD Since it seems everyone is hanging on what he's gonna say, I must need to rework that part. Actually this wasnt planned on being two parts either, well not true, it was but orginally part 2 was just gonna be Hibari's take on what was going on, same room, same atmosphere, same everything but Hibari's POV...only Im terrified to right his POV XD So Part 2 will start where Part 1 left off (duh) but wont be totally the same. Part 1 is nearly all Chrome's POV/ ( ... )
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