I liked this one the first time I saw it, and I like it even better now. I feel like it flows a lot better this time around. Good sense of character, clear conflict and personal stakes. The one nitpick I have is that that first bit about the peppers in his stew--while I love it-- sounds more like a MG voice than YA to me. Still definitely want to read this one, though!
I think every fantasy ever written has stew in it. I might not put that in the logline.
I have visions of pirates literally stuck to the keel. Maybe something simpler like "chasing them"
As a goal, "figure out who he can trust" isn't too exciting, especially as you can't let us know who the possibilities are in a logline. I suspect Hagai has to do something much more concrete. We're talking about Air Pirates here! Let's have something that sends thrills up our spines.
"the vision the stone showed him" can be streamlined. Maybe "the destruction of (something specific) foretold by the stone" or some such.
This story is reminiscent of Gaiman's "Stardust." Make sure you differentiate.
This is very good. I had to Google "keel". I'm not sure you want agents to do that but then maybe I'm just dense. And tired. :-)
My only real comment is that "has to figure out who he can trust" is a little wishy-washey. Does this story end when he decides who is good versus bad or does he actually do something once he finds out? The goal is always the thing that, when reached, ends the plot.
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Good luck!
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I think every fantasy ever written has stew in it. I might not put that in the logline.
I have visions of pirates literally stuck to the keel. Maybe something simpler like "chasing them"
As a goal, "figure out who he can trust" isn't too exciting, especially as you can't let us know who the possibilities are in a logline. I suspect Hagai has to do something much more concrete. We're talking about Air Pirates here! Let's have something that sends thrills up our spines.
"the vision the stone showed him" can be streamlined. Maybe "the destruction of (something specific) foretold by the stone" or some such.
This story is reminiscent of Gaiman's "Stardust." Make sure you differentiate.
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My only real comment is that "has to figure out who he can trust" is a little wishy-washey. Does this story end when he decides who is good versus bad or does he actually do something once he finds out? The goal is always the thing that, when reached, ends the plot.
Holly
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