Comments | justjess: Revised Logline Critique Round

justjess

Revised Logline Critique Round - #5

Oct 07, 2011 16:07

TITLE: Air Pirates ( Read more... )

Comments 9

ext_823371 October 8 2011, 02:35:55 UTC

Love this.

I just have nitpicks:
The word "keel" threw me because I imagined them below the boat (which of course is possible in the air, but it took me a minute to think it through and agents probably don't have extra minutes.)

Also I had to reread the phrase "the vision the stone showed him." What about "stone' vision of the future"?

Good luck with this!

ext_230550 October 8 2011, 20:29:26 UTC

I remember reading this in the original, and the opening line confused me. Just now, I got the joke. (Hello, I'm a little slow on the uptake.) However, I thought it was worth pointing out--humor is really tough in something this short, and it could evoke a "huh?" as it did for me just as easily as catch someone's eye. The rest of it I think is great. Clear, concise, catchy.

kimberlyfdr October 9 2011, 00:54:57 UTC

I'd cut keel, since that's a stumbling block while reading. Also, I'd clarify the first sentence a bit ("When Hagai receives a seeing stone from his supposedly-dead mother, he joins a crew of air pirates to find her.") Is the fact that he received the gift from his mother the inciting incident or the vision it showed of her dying? Maybe pick one and go with that?

justjess October 9 2011, 17:53:31 UTC

I agree with the others about "keel"--I'm not particularly familiar with the parts of boats, and first I thought you'd typoed "heel" but I knew that wasn't right. If I were an agent, I wouldn't want to stop and think about one word so much. However, it really adds to the voice, so it has to be your decision.

I love this one. I've never read much steampunk, but I did see your blog post about the worldbuilding and language for this book, and the entire process is fascinating. I really want to read it. :)