Sex: M is for misfit

[justben]

Gender’s been on my mind a bit for the last year or so. It’s always been a bit of an awkward topic for me, but lately I’ve been spending some think-time trying to analyze why. I think the narrative of how it’s surfaced is interesting in its own right, but I’ve tried to write that once or twice now, and it always seems to get bogged down and

Comments

[akiko_kalla]

Suggestion...stop looking for models and go with what your heart tells you. ^_^ No one can tell you what is black, white, or grey. And regardless of how you grew up--unhappiness is something that affects everyone and can be just as significant for a white upper middle class male. I know you know, but I will say it anyway: Happiness comes from within. Consequently if someone is unhappy it is regardless of gender, status, age, race, etc. (In other words, don't downplay your reality because it was real to you and in the end, that is all that matters.)

Most people have curiosity at some point about the opposite gender. As I understand it, someone who is transsexual feels wrong with the gender they have been raised. To the point they seek escape because they don't want to pretend to be someone they are not. When filling out a form it feels wrong to select their current "physical gender" because it is so different from what they feel inside. At least this is how it was described to me. Whipping Girl by Julia Serano might

[justben]

Hm. I suspect perhaps I didn’t spend enough keystrokes qualifying that I’m trying to examine sex and gender separately for the moment. Sorry I didn’t clarify that well enough

[akiko_kalla]

Please define Gender vs Sex Identities? Are you saying the idea of physical gender vs. the concept of gender roles? While they are two different things they often get put together because they are so closely entwined in society and for a lot of people. Not that one view is right or that the tradition shouldn't be tested. In fact that is the exact reason I feel more masculine than some males--I am fulfilling a "male" role despite feeling very confident in my femininity. I added the part about orientation because 1. it often comes up when someone is questioning gender/gender roles (although not always) and 2. to explain my point more clearly. Although me and explaining are sometimes not good friends. :P

[justben]

The distinction of sex from gender was introduced in the 50s and popularized in the field of feminist theory around the 70s. The difference is commonly simplified as: “Sex is what’s between your legs; gender is what’s between your ears.” Less reductionistically, sex is about biology and body and body image, while gender is about roles that people fill in society, linked perhaps partially to sex-linked biology but also so social expectations and to personal identity formation within these roles. The distinction between sex (male/female/etc) and gender (masculine/feminine/etc) provides a handy vocabulary for people to talk about, for instance, sex/body dysphoria irrespective of gender roles, or individuals’ gender presentation and identity irrespective of their sex. While the two are generally closely linked for most of the population, their variations and differences can be interesting in the minority for whom they’re not

[ianphanes]

*knocks on speakeasy door and whispers "bookofmirrors sent me."*

She sent me this way because I'm third gender, and I live in these issues.

First off, I no longer like the distinction that makes sex physical and gender non-physical. I'm convinced it's all gender, and that drawing a line between physical and non-physical is really nonsensical. (I prefer to reserve the word sex for sexuality.) I wanted to emphasize that because I think that distinction makes individual gender exploration even more confusing. As your post shows, we imagine physicality. If we try to create a hard line, that leaves us with the question, "is that sex or gender?" If we see it all as various aspects of gender, there is less cognitive dissonance.

So, on to you and your musings...
You are *your* gender. Even if you identify with a particular gender identity label, everyone else who shares that label has a different experience of personal gender than you do. Use whatever label feels best for you, but don't let it limit define you to yourself.

[justben]

First, let me start by thanking you for coming over and replying to my post. I can only imagine how much time you must already spend discussing gender as a third-gender person, so I appreciate you taking the time to drop by a stranger’s blog and hash it through yet again.

I just finished typing this bit to akiko_kalla just above, but I should say it here too: I did a poor job in my post of clarifying my intentions. I’m sorry about that. I initially set out this morning intending to address gender, and I realized that my thoughts on gender are closely related to my thoughts on sex. This isn’t surprising: As you point out, they’re closely related for a lot of people. I’m trying to tease them apart in this post for a couple of reasons. First, this post would have been way too long if I tried to take them together. Second, I know people who do make strong, clear, and well-considered distinctions between their sex and gender identities. This latter point alone leads me to believe that it’s sometimes sensible to examine the two separately at first,

[bookofmirrors]

By the way, in my haste to pass this on to

[justben]

Hiya! Thanks for sending your friend this direction. I’m looking forward to seeing how far the threads on this particular post will get and who else will contribute, even as I’m starting work on a post specifically on gender.

[elorie]

I like to say that I have gender whims. Some days, I'm girly. Other days, I'm not. I don't feel out of place in my body. I often feel out of place in other people's social scripts about gender...and I don't just mean the obvious "girls can too!" stuff or clothing. I mean something deeper having to do with how they interact, body language and conversational cues and attention.

[justben]

I’m sort of in a similar position: I don’t find myself feeling particularly out of place in my body. On the other hand, I do sometimes wonder from my position of privilege how to tell the difference between the comfort that derives from truth and the comfort that derives from inadequate examination.

As for gender, well, that’s a whole other post, forthcoming sooner or later.

[delayra]

"... it would be pretty cool to be intersexed,"

Yeesh. Sorry, old friend, but I've gotten that a lot over the years. People who think they're enlightened and think that it would be an amazingly wonderful joining of the two. Two-spirited would be great!

In my experience, not so much.

You know a lot of my story. I'm getting more and more open about it as time goes on. I am actually working on writing out a lot of my story for publication. You also (should) know that I'm always up to talk to about difficult subjects if you ever should wish.