Sex: M is for misfit

[justben]

Gender’s been on my mind a bit for the last year or so. It’s always been a bit of an awkward topic for me, but lately I’ve been spending some think-time trying to analyze why. I think the narrative of how it’s surfaced is interesting in its own right, but I’ve tried to write that once or twice now, and it always seems to get bogged down and

Comments

[akiko_kalla]

Suggestion...stop looking for models and go with what your heart tells you. ^_^ No one can tell you what is black, white, or grey. And regardless of how you grew up--unhappiness is something that affects everyone and can be just as significant for a white upper middle class male. I know you know, but I will say it anyway: Happiness comes from within. Consequently if someone is unhappy it is regardless of gender, status, age, race, etc. (In other words, don't downplay your reality because it was real to you and in the end, that is all that matters.)

Most people have curiosity at some point about the opposite gender. As I understand it, someone who is transsexual feels wrong with the gender they have been raised. To the point they seek escape because they don't want to pretend to be someone they are not. When filling out a form it feels wrong to select their current "physical gender" because it is so different from what they feel inside. At least this is how it was described to me. Whipping Girl by Julia Serano might interest you.

Another thing to remember, society tries to make things like gender and sexuality clear cut and they just aren't. Gender and sexuality are fluid. People are uncomfortable with that because it makes it less predictable from their perspective and doesn't fit into the neat little boxes they have made in their lives. What they are missing is that very little in life fits in those boxes and if they simply threw them out they would see a much more beautiful place with beautiful people. I personally think we are all part female and part male but for me it is a spiritual matter; as a soul we are complete and balanced. When we come here we are forced to fit into the duality of this world and become unbalanced and parts of our soul are left behind or become dormant. When someone finds a soulmate it is really because that person is expressing the side of ourselves that is dormant. From that perspective, we all have feminine and masculine traits and occasionally find a person who compliments those traits almost perfectly. Likewise, it is possible that the soul and the body are out of sync or the soul is more balanced than the physical gender causing difficulty identifying with "gender" because it is not as important.

A lot of people would say I sounded like a new age crazy person, so I tend to not discuss it. Likewise with my own journey through sexuality. I've felt more male than a lot of males at times, but despite questioning it from time to time I really feel female. When it comes to sexuality, I liked "males" because that was what girls liked. Then I met someone who changed that. Sent me into a bit of a tizzy and I found labels of straight and lesbian weren't correct because it was still forcing me into a dualistic viewpoint. Love isn't dualistic. Neither is gender or sexuality. What I was and am attracted to in her is how she compliments who I am; together we are more than we are alone, even if that together is not romantically. (But I will refrain from getting into THAT here.)

Another way to look at growing up...you learned how society worked and what was wrong with it. So there is value in that. But you have to remember the context it was taught in...from a dualistic perspective. Your choice is to accept or reject all or part of it. We can't change society overnight, but we can transform ourselves and in turn touch the lives around us. If you feel male, accept that. If you don't feel you fit into one category, accept that. If you feel you mostly fit into male, accept that. What matters is that you accept who you are, not if you jump through a hoop on an outdated application to answer question 4b.

Perhaps the reason you don't spend much time thinking about these labels is because in your heart you know they don't matter? Sometimes it takes years for the brain to catch up to what our souls have been telling us all along.

[justben]

Hm. I suspect perhaps I didn’t spend enough keystrokes qualifying that I’m trying to examine sex and gender separately for the moment. Sorry I didn’t clarify that well enough.

Modern American society definitely tightly entangles them, and for many people they really seem to be the same thing. For others, though, they seem to be rather different. I’ve known people who reject the category of gender entirely but still feel a physical dysphoria with their bodies-with their sex. Similarly I’ve known people who are completely comfortable with their bodies but reject their socially-assigned gender roles. And of course, there are people who reject both, and there are those who reject neither. In this post I’m trying to tease sex and gender apart as much as I can and address sex specifically before I dig into gender as a distinct category and then ultimately into the overlap of the two. Again, I‘m sorry I didn’t make that clearer.

Thanks for the supportive words. Particularly when it comes to unhappiness alongside privilege, I find it comforting to be reminded that my feelings were valid even despite my limited perspective at the time. It’s easy for me to reject that out of hand, but it was real, and I appreciate your words on it. I assure you: Your perspective is a far cry from the most new-agey one I’ve heard this year, or even this week.

I find that I’m pretty good at accepting myself for who I am these days: sex, gender, and whichever other categories come up. Still, the more I pay attention to what my mind and body and heard are telling me from my experiences, the more I learn about myself. And yet, deep inside me there’s an academic who wants a model to explain it and understand the how and why of it all. I wonder if I can figure it out, maybe I can help somebody else find their own answers with a little less angst than I had to put up with in learning from experience.

[akiko_kalla]

Please define Gender vs Sex Identities? Are you saying the idea of physical gender vs. the concept of gender roles? While they are two different things they often get put together because they are so closely entwined in society and for a lot of people. Not that one view is right or that the tradition shouldn't be tested. In fact that is the exact reason I feel more masculine than some males--I am fulfilling a "male" role despite feeling very confident in my femininity. I added the part about orientation because 1. it often comes up when someone is questioning gender/gender roles (although not always) and 2. to explain my point more clearly. Although me and explaining are sometimes not good friends. :P

I understand what you are saying on wanting a model...but honestly I think the journey and angst that come with it is part of makes a person certain in their beliefs. But at least a model could bring some comfort even after the fact that one is not alone.

If you are referring more to a gender role, the person I refer to above is definitely in a "male" role. She is seen as very masculine by others to the point that when I made a comment that she had a warm personality my colleagues flat out told me I was seeing what I wanted to see. I think it also filters down into how they see her sexuality...she is typically depicted as either lesbian or asexual because their idea of a "female" would be someone more motherly, physical demonstrative, etc. I guess. Obviously I don't agree with how they see her and consequently she has surprised them in how she reacts to me. I can't comment on her sexuality because I honestly don't know, but I do know that it is often judged by how her "role" is perceived.

The idea of a female superior acting like a "male" is just alien to them because they are attributing the traits necessary for her job to a male rather than to the job itself. With time they are getting more comfortable with it, but even so they are still stuck in this duality--even the ones that have questioned their own gender roles or sexuality. Likewise, they see my role in the relationship with her to be "female" because I wear my emotions on my sleeve so to speak. In reality she and I are a lot alike, we just happen to complement each other on a few key differences and for whatever reason there is an unspoken bond that I can't really explain--but I don't think either of us see the other as male/female/yin/yang/etc. We just see each other truly.

I don't really believe in gender roles, at least not in the sense of society...again I think we are all both masculine and feminine. When we meet someone who complements us there doesn't even need to be a set "male" or "female;" the two are simply more than they were before. There is an utter lack of demand for a person to fulfill a specific "male" or "female" role if it is a true union; both people are accepted for who they are and the understanding of their masculinity or femininity is both mutual and unspoken. The union transcends "male" or "female" roles because they are unnecessary--it's a duality that people cling to in this world and it only leads us further away from understanding ourselves.

[justben]

The distinction of sex from gender was introduced in the 50s and popularized in the field of feminist theory around the 70s. The difference is commonly simplified as: “Sex is what’s between your legs; gender is what’s between your ears.” Less reductionistically, sex is about biology and body and body image, while gender is about roles that people fill in society, linked perhaps partially to sex-linked biology but also so social expectations and to personal identity formation within these roles. The distinction between sex (male/female/etc) and gender (masculine/feminine/etc) provides a handy vocabulary for people to talk about, for instance, sex/body dysphoria irrespective of gender roles, or individuals’ gender presentation and identity irrespective of their sex. While the two are generally closely linked for most of the population, their variations and differences can be interesting in the minority for whom they’re not.

This post was entirely about sex. I have a big post (or maybe several) brewing about gender, but I figured I’d start with sex since my thoughts on it are a bit simpler, and since my thoughts on gender lean somewhat on my thoughts on sex.

For me, models aren’t so much emotional comfort and belonging. I’ve tried deriving emotional comfort from intellectual understanding before, but I find in the long run it tends to fall flat for me. For me, models are more about intellectual understanding, analysis, and verbal communication of those ideas, all opening doors for social growth.

The picture you draw of your coworkers’ discomfort in their interactions with your female superior speaks to me of our mainstream culture’s saddening inflexibility with regard to gender preconceptions. I also see it as closely related to our mainstream culture’s problems with queer people (though orientation, too, is often separate from sex and gender), and honestly it really bothers me. That’s a big part of why I want to make this series of posts. But I’ll get to gender and orientation next, as soon as I can. :-)

[akiko_kalla]

Okay. Then from your question at the end of your original post...as far as I know the answer is yes. :P

As to the rest...I would say the sex is the least important to an identity of any of the traits. Not that it isn't important at all, just for me personally I don't really put it up there with other aspects of my identity. As long as it works I suppose that's good, as if that matters, but other than that I don't really care.

I don't really like models because I am always the exception. Always. It pisses me off. Most people do not use them to open communication as much as they do to stop it I've found. They want to put you in a nice tidy box that the model points to and refuse to see what is in front of them if it doesn't.

Inflexibility in our culture is just downright hurtful. It's leading to fear, pain, and hate. It makes me very sad. I've heard rumors about myself and others and I always tell the kids that if they want to know they should just ask, because it isn't that big a deal to me since it isn't what makes me who I am. I try to emphasize with them that who you are isn't defined by your sex, gender identity, or orientation, and has no bearing on what type of person you are or what you will do with your life. Middle school can be a very cruel place...especially when the majority of teachers don't stop the harassment on these aspects the way they do on race, wealth, dress, etc.