Comments | joreth: Who's Your Daddy?

joreth

Who's Your Daddy?

Aug 18, 2011 02:06

I'm reading a book right now and there's a recurring theme that's pissing me off. The reason it's pissing me off is because I see this same theme in society around me, and it happens to be an extremely personal issue. The issue is adoption ( Read more... )

me manual, relationships, media reflections, family, rants, fear

Comments 13

leora August 18 2011, 06:43:28 UTC

Ever since childhood I found society's views on adoption odd, because when I learned of it, my initial reaction was that it must be great to be an adopted child, because then you would know for certain that your parents wanted you.

I was not adopted. My parents do love me and have cared for me, and I have no doubts about it. But I also know, as I have known for a long time, that I was an accidental pregnancy. A fifth child a bit later and after my parents would have been content to not have more children. They still chose to have me, keep me, and raise me. And they didn't treat me any worse than my siblings. They definitely loved me. But I'm not sure I was quite something either of my parents wanted at the time. I think that's okay because they still committed to my care, loved me, and raised me. You don't have to be planned for. But I think it is likely nice to know that your parents went out of their way to acquire you, because they really wanted to have and raise you.

joreth August 18 2011, 17:42:22 UTC

:-) That was actually my stock response for when I got teased for being adopted as a child - that at least my parents actually wanted me and that I wasn't an accident. I don't think that elementary school children really knew how to react to that defense!

the_failed_poet August 18 2011, 15:33:17 UTC

Agreed. I also am planning to not have children and if I ever want to actually have a child I'm going to adopt. And I get the exact same response that you do when I mention these plans. "But what if you want children of your own body?" I'm not sure what's so special about my body versus someone else's that children that come from it will be Extra Special compared to whatever child I adopt.

It's a horrible meme that suggests that children from someone else's body are somehow less loved than children of one's own body. Bleeech.

joreth August 18 2011, 18:08:37 UTC

It really angers me. I just watched a Bollywood film (I'm watching all the films from which my dance routines come) where a grandmother was outright hostile towards her grandchild because the grandchild was adopted. Her son was married, had a daughter and a son, and then they adopted another daughter. The son committed suicide and the daughter-in-law was left to raise 3 kids on her own. The grandmother blamed the wife for the husband's death and, to her face, would say the child was a burden and unwanted ( ... )

leora August 18 2011, 20:10:26 UTC

That is horrible. I try not to make distinctions or play favorites between my nieces and nephews. Some of them are related genetically and some aren't, but they are all my nieces and nephews (except my great-niece and great-nephew who are a great-niece and a great-nephew). I mean, I kinda sorta do have preferences sometimes, but it's more about which ones I have more in common with or am currently getting along with better, because they are different people. And I try not to make that too obvious, but it is a different matter anyhow. And I'm not actually sure I have much in the way of preferences currently. It helps now that they've gotten older. I used to have preferences for the older ones, just because they were more developed ( ... )

james_the_evil1 August 18 2011, 19:32:00 UTC

This isn't a topic I know a ton about, so I'm curious about your take on something. In your case you were raised knowing the "truth" so to speak of your origins. I understand the pressure of societal memes, but what about the stories, both anecdotal & case researched, going back generations, of adopted kids in situations where the adoptions were fully closed and no hint was given to them that they were adopted (which was the norm for quite some time) yet those people grew up always not only with a strong feeling they were adopted (far stronger than the "this can't be my family" feeling that's not uncommon for teens) but once they get to be adults & are able to find out the truth an all out DETERMINATION to find their birth mom, a drive so strong they spend all kinds of crazy money & such, and where some have committed suicide if they can't find the truth ( ... )

joreth August 18 2011, 20:04:31 UTC

Technically, my adoption was fully closed too. My parents just chose to tell me those scant details they had anyway (when choosing kids to adopt, the potential parents get to know things like ethnicity and age of parent, because apparently that's important when choosing kids). If they hadn't, it would have been a considerable effort to explain how I got my sister without my mom being pregnant, but that isn't the reason why they told me - they just felt it was the right thing to do ( ... )

james_the_evil1 August 18 2011, 22:39:20 UTC

That would make sense, tho some of the twin studies of seen argue for, in at least some cases, a stronger biological link. I don't think that debate will ever exactly be settled ( ... )

leora August 18 2011, 20:20:24 UTC

I think part of that stems from them never talking about the cases of people raised by their biological parents who feel like they don't fit in, want to find their real parents, but there is nothing to search for. My eldest sister's favorite book as a young child was the story of a young girl raised as a witch, but she was really a fairy, and she eventually gets to end up with her real family. It was very fitting. Not all kids feel like they fit in with their family, and I think many kids who feel like they don't will wonder if perhaps it's that their parents aren't actually their parents. If it turns out that is really the case, then they will assume that was the cause of the issue, but it might not be ( ... )

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