As I headed towards the hospital, Demi grabbed my hand and told me she was scared. I wasn't sure if she was scared for Landon or scared of the pain. I glanced over at her and squeezed her hand, "Everything is going to be okay, baby." Demi cursed and let go of my hand to call our parents. I could hear my mom shouting in excitement from over here. Demi told my mom that she had to call her mom now and then hung up and I chuckled at my mom's excitement. She informed her family that she was on her way to the hospital and I could feel my heart start pounding again. Demi grabbed make-up from our bag and started applying it and I bit my tongue from telling her it was useless. Between sweating and crying, it'd all go away before Landon even got here. Demi shut the flap and then asked me why her water broke. As Demi worried, I began to worry, not even considering that he'd have five less weeks than he needed. I shook my head at her, "He is ready, baby. That's why he's coming now, because he wants to meet his momma and poppa. Everything is going
( ... )
Demi noticed that I had been upset and she said that she would be the strong one now but I knew deep down she didn't have the strength or energy to be the strong one. She only proved my point when she fell asleep n my lap. She woke up about a half hour later and jumped when she saw me, probably forgetting she'd fallen asleep on me. She told me to go back to the room and get some sleep but I shook my head. "I'm staying here" I said firmly. Demi insisted that we go lay down and it was only when she suggested our moms sit with him that I agreed. I didn't want to leave Landon but Demi needed sleep and sleeping in these chairs was going to hurt her back. She squeezed his little foot and blew him a kiss and we both told him that we loved him. I wheeled Demi back to the hospital room and gently picked her up and set her in the bed. She scoot over for me and I crawled into bed next to her. I smiled at her as I gently set my hand on her hips, praying I wasn't hurting her. "He's so beautiful just like his momma. He's got your sleepiness too." I
( ... )
The second Cody realized what was going on, he picked me up, not even bothering to put me in a wheel chair. He took me straight to NICU with me in his arms. Cody asked his mom to get up and then he placed me in his arms, my mom and his mom both looked confused. I looked at Landon and saw his chest rising and falling, before I looked around the room to make sure there were no suspicious looking people that could possibly try to steal him from us. When Cody came back to where I was, he asked me if I wanted to hold Landon and before I even answered, a nurse opened the top of incubator, and carefully pulled him out, making my jaw slightly open. Did I really get to hold him? Without any crying or without any blood on him? For more than 5 seconds? I leaned my elbow on the arm rest and that was the arm that they put his heard on. I had practically become an expert at carrying babies since I had a good 9 or 10 years on Madison when she was born. I put the nipple of the bottle into his tiny mouth, and right away he latched onto it, sucking for
( ... )
I reached into my jean's pockets to grab my cell phone before I remembered that I was in this fucking hideous hospital gown. That picture would have made the perfect background for my phone, the two loves of my life. I saw a flash go off a few times but I didn't even need to look that way to know it was our moms taking pictures. There was no way I would take my eyes off this beautiful sight. How could I be so in love with TWO guys? Albeit, it was a different type of love for each of them. But then Nurse Negative Nancy came back up to Cody, and without asking, grabbed Landon out of his arms and placed him back into the incubator. When she turned around to walk away, I made a comment towards her. "Thanks Nancy... uhh I mean, Lucy," reading the name on her name tag after I had referred to her as Nancy, as in Negative Nancy
( ... )
As the nurse tried to take Landon away from Demi, I saw the panic rise in her eyes. She started being rude to the nurse and I could see the annoyance in her face as Demi insisted that I hold him. I was dying to hold him since I had only been allowed to for a few seconds last time. I sat down in the nearest chair as he was placed in my arms. My tiny son. I held him so careful but I wanted him to feel comfortable in my arms. I tried to situate my arms so that he was sleeping soundly in my arms and soon enough his little hands were folded over his little chest, and his head leaned against my chest. I smiled down at him and gave him a kiss on the forehead. "I love you so much, Landon Jude." I'd barely said that and the nurse swiped him from my arms. I frowned and my shoulders hunched at the loss. I didn't even get him for much longer than the last time. I sighed and sunk into the chair as Dianna came up and told us that lunch was waiting in our room. I knew Demi needed food to regain her health and strength and I needed it for the energy
( ... )
In his sleep, Landon began to make faces and I wondered if he was having dreams until an unholy stench came from the incubator. "Dear God.." I started cracking up as I leaned away from the incubator. Landon started wailing because I can't imagine it was comfortable. The nurse came over and chuckled with us as she grabbed a new diaper for him and handed it to Demi. She opened up the top of the incubator and Demi began to unbutton his little onesie to change his diaper. I watched with intensity, amazed at how easily changing his diaper came to her. She was already an incredible momma. Once she button his onesie back up she leaned down and kissed his little cheek. I smiled when his eyes went wide and looked up at her. I understood that face, he was already lovestruck for Demi. I grabbed his little hand and shook it gently, "I know how you feel, Landon, I've felt that way for nearly three years now."
I let out an internal sigh of relief when Cody didn't say anything about me not eating. It's not that I want to go back to my old ways, it's just that I want to lose weight the fast way and then I'll start eating normal again. Plus, with the way my nerves are today, the food would come right back up if I tried eating it. Cody wheeled me to NICU where Madison joined us shortly, all three of us completely head over heels for my son. We all smelled a horrible odor and when I stuck my nose into the incubator's hole, I knew he had definitely poopied. His first poop! The nurse let me change it and I did it gladly, without even being bothered by how bad it smelled. For such a little boy, he sure does have a toxic and strong smelling poop! As I spoke to Landon, his eyes stayed on me, I guess cause he recognized my voice, having had to hear it 24/7 for the past 8 months. Cody made a comment that now Landon feels how he has felt about me for the past three years and I couldn't help but blush as I pulled my eyes away from Landon for the first
( ... )
Cody and I spent the rest of the night alternating between taking hour or two hour naps while our parents were in NICU and when we would wake up, we would rush to Landon's side. But never did Cody leave my side. By the time Sunday morning came around, I was exhausted. Despite all of our little naps, it just wasn't the same as getting one good night of rest. I looked at the time on my phone and saw it was 6:17 AM so there was no way I was going to wake up Cody yet, even though I needed to pee really badly. I told him I was going to be stronger, so I knew I had to do this on my own. I used my elbows to push myself up and although it hurt myself to put that pressure on my stomach, it wasn't that bad since I had the support of the soft bed behind me. I threw my legs over the edge of and held onto the foot of the bed as I pushed myself up, using the bed for support. I let go of the bed as I took small steps towards the bathroom, now holding onto nothing
( ... )
I'd noticed that Demi seemed to hardly be eating anything and at first, I took it as she was still to nervous for Landon to eat and the hospital food wasn't really her cup of tea. I decided to keep a lookout for any other warning signs just in case. Demi and I finally seemed to get the chance to sleep Sunday morning. I never thought I'd be glad to settle into a hospital bed. The next thing I knew, I heard something fall on the floor and what sounded like someone crying. I jerked up and saw my wife, sprawled on the floor, practically sobbing. "Baby!" I jumped out of bed and scooped her up and placed her back on the bed. "Baby, what happened? Are you okay?" Through her tears, she tried to explain that she fell on her arm and knees when she was trying to go to the bathroom. I pulled her into my arms and held her as she cried. I hit the little buzzer thing to call a nurse. I picked Demi up and took her into the bathroom, tempted to stay in there with her just to make sure she was okay. I told a nurse that Demi had fallen and that if I
( ... )
I wheeled her back to Landon and locked her wheelchair. I pretended to start sitting down then acted like I forgot something in the room, "Crap, I'll be right back." I walked back to the room and picked up the trash can and discovered Demi's entire meal in the garbage. My teeth ground together and I started to throw the trash can before I just set it done in defeat. I leaned my hands on the edge of the bed and tried not to breakdown. She really wanted to leave Landon and I, didn't she? I walked back to NICU and collapsed into the chair across from Demi, too upset to even look at her. She said she wasn't going to go back to that. Little Landon's eyes were still open as he looked over at Demi. I told her that if she relapsed, I was sending her to get help. Landon needed his mom and I needed my wife. I sunk low into my chair just keeping my eyes on Landon. We stayed like this for a few hours when I finally looked up and saw that Demi's face was pale as a sheet. I looked back at Landon for barely a second and Demi was on the floor. "Demi
( ... )
I made it through Sunday's lunch also without anyone noticing that I hadn't eaten more than a bite. Cody was directly in front of me for this one, so I would bite the burger and then while I was wiping my mouth, I'd spit it into the napkin. We got to NICU and Cody told me he was heading to the room for a minute. I got so enamored with Landon, that I didn't even notice when he came back. However, next thing I did know, I was waking up in my hospital bed. I went to grab Cody but a needle was taped to my arm, some sort of clear fluid entering my system. I asked Cody what's going on and he snapped at me, asking me what do I think I'm in here. My eyes opened wide at his tone of voice towards me. He continued telling me that that I promise I was going to lose weight the healthy weight and that's when I started crying. I don't even think it was cause of what I was doing but because he was mad at me. We had been doing so good and I needed him here for me more than ever these next few weeks. He ended his speech telling me that if I don't get
( ... )
I raised my head and in a soft voice asked Eddy to go bring Cody, please. But that made him snap for some reason, telling me that he can't believe I had ripped off the IV and that if a nurse would have caught me, they would be sending me to a looney bin, and blahty blah. "God damn it!" I reached for a newspaper that was on the side stand and threw it across the room, the papers flying all over the floor. "Go get my fucking husband! You want me to get better? Then go fucking get him! I'm not going to pull it off again, have Dallas stay in here with me or something! Go fucking tell Cody to come over here. Drag him over here if you have to. Tell mom to stay with Landon and then once Cody is here, go downstairs and get me the most fucking fattening thing they have in this hospital's cafeteria
( ... )
He looked like he hesitated at first but when I called him baby bear, that seemed to win him over. He laid down in bed next to me, not bothering to cover himself and an upset look still on his face. I pressed my body as close to his as I possibly could and I pressed my face against his chest, just enjoying him being here for a few seconds before I started talking. I got scared that he wasn't going to come back and I was like a prisoner in this damn room. I finally pulled away when I regained enough composure to speak up. "I'm not going to leave you and Landon. I'm never going to leave you guys. I passed out from the nerves of everything that has been going on the past few days. I wasn't going to do it forever. I just want to do it to get to a normal weight, Cody. I just want to do it so that I can be happy with myself for once, that way I can enjoy spending time with my husband and my son. You know what I think of now? That you should be out with someone hotter and the Landon deserves a prettier mom for such a handsome boy. I don't
( ... )
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