I made it through Sunday's lunch also without anyone noticing that I hadn't eaten more than a bite. Cody was directly in front of me for this one, so I would bite the burger and then while I was wiping my mouth, I'd spit it into the napkin. We got to NICU and Cody told me he was heading to the room for a minute. I got so enamored with Landon, that I didn't even notice when he came back. However, next thing I did know, I was waking up in my hospital bed. I went to grab Cody but a needle was taped to my arm, some sort of clear fluid entering my system. I asked Cody what's going on and he snapped at me, asking me what do I think I'm in here. My eyes opened wide at his tone of voice towards me. He continued telling me that that I promise I was going to lose weight the healthy weight and that's when I started crying. I don't even think it was cause of what I was doing but because he was mad at me. We had been doing so good and I needed him here for me more than ever these next few weeks. He ended his speech telling me that if I don't get my shit together, he was sending me to get help. What hurt the most in his speech is when he told me he was disappointed in me, causing me to sob. He didn't even give me a chance to explain myself! It wasn't my disease coming back. Before I didn't see anything wrong with what I was doing. Now I know it's wrong but I'm just doing it temporarily to lose weight. I'm going to go back to eating normal when I lose the baby weight.
He left me alone. He fucking left. He hates me. He's already choosing Landon over me.The tears started coming out harder and my chest was rising and falling at the speed of lightning. My hands started to shake and it gave me an idea. He had left his cellphone here so there was no way I would get in contact with him unless I went to see him. I pulled the tape holding the needle against my arm off, stinging at my thin, fragile skin. And next, I slipped out the IV, letting it hand from the machine. I slowly pushed myself off the bed and held onto the wall as I led myself towards the door. It was hurting to walk but I needed to get there. Slow and steady. Just as I had the last few feet to get to the door, it pushed open and in walked Eddy, who automatically started freaking out. I was trying to explain to him that I needed to get to Cody and that I would just feel better if I got to him, but he didn't listen to me. He picked me up and tossed me on the bed, definitely a bit angry. I kept trying to talk to him but he told me to shut up as he pressed the nurse's button. Everyone was being so rude to me.
I pushed my head between my knees are started crying. Landon was the only person who didn't hate me right now. And even there, I bet Cody was trying to spite him against me at this very moment. Telling him how fucked up in the head mommy is. Telling him lies like that I want to leave the both of them. I don't want to leave them, I just want to do this to get to a stage of content and happiness so I can enjoy the rest of my life with them. HAPPILY and not hating myself for Christ's sake! I heard the door open but I didn't recognize the sound of the shoes against the floor so I knew it wasn't Cody. I heard Eddy lie to the person and tell them that I went to go pee when the IV ripped off my arm. I held out my arm, keeping my face against my knees cause I didn't want anyone to see me. I didn't even flinch when they poked me with the needle, seeing as the emotional pain I'm in right now hurts a million times worse. I stayed crying to myself for another few minutes until I finally couldn't take it anymore.
He left me alone. He fucking left. He hates me. He's already choosing Landon over me.The tears started coming out harder and my chest was rising and falling at the speed of lightning. My hands started to shake and it gave me an idea. He had left his cellphone here so there was no way I would get in contact with him unless I went to see him. I pulled the tape holding the needle against my arm off, stinging at my thin, fragile skin. And next, I slipped out the IV, letting it hand from the machine. I slowly pushed myself off the bed and held onto the wall as I led myself towards the door. It was hurting to walk but I needed to get there. Slow and steady. Just as I had the last few feet to get to the door, it pushed open and in walked Eddy, who automatically started freaking out. I was trying to explain to him that I needed to get to Cody and that I would just feel better if I got to him, but he didn't listen to me. He picked me up and tossed me on the bed, definitely a bit angry. I kept trying to talk to him but he told me to shut up as he pressed the nurse's button. Everyone was being so rude to me.
I pushed my head between my knees are started crying. Landon was the only person who didn't hate me right now. And even there, I bet Cody was trying to spite him against me at this very moment. Telling him how fucked up in the head mommy is. Telling him lies like that I want to leave the both of them. I don't want to leave them, I just want to do this to get to a stage of content and happiness so I can enjoy the rest of my life with them. HAPPILY and not hating myself for Christ's sake! I heard the door open but I didn't recognize the sound of the shoes against the floor so I knew it wasn't Cody. I heard Eddy lie to the person and tell them that I went to go pee when the IV ripped off my arm. I held out my arm, keeping my face against my knees cause I didn't want anyone to see me. I didn't even flinch when they poked me with the needle, seeing as the emotional pain I'm in right now hurts a million times worse. I stayed crying to myself for another few minutes until I finally couldn't take it anymore.
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