As I headed towards the hospital, Demi grabbed my hand and told me she was scared. I wasn't sure if she was scared for Landon or scared of the pain. I glanced over at her and squeezed her hand, "Everything is going to be okay, baby." Demi cursed and let go of my hand to call our parents. I could hear my mom shouting in excitement from over here. Demi told my mom that she had to call her mom now and then hung up and I chuckled at my mom's excitement. She informed her family that she was on her way to the hospital and I could feel my heart start pounding again. Demi grabbed make-up from our bag and started applying it and I bit my tongue from telling her it was useless. Between sweating and crying, it'd all go away before Landon even got here. Demi shut the flap and then asked me why her water broke. As Demi worried, I began to worry, not even considering that he'd have five less weeks than he needed. I shook my head at her, "He is ready, baby. That's why he's coming now, because he wants to meet his momma and poppa. Everything is going to be fine. He is going to be fine." I was trying to convince myself as well.
I pulled in front of the ER and hopped out and rushed inside. I slid to a halt in front of the nurse's station and blurted out, "My wife's water broke!" The nurse acted like I'd told her the sky was blue and turned to the man standing behind her. He walked out form behind the desk and told me to lead him to her. I ran out the door, tossing my keys to the valet before opening Demi's door. I picked Demi up and set her in the wheelchair. The man started wheeling Demi inside as I grabbed our bags from the bag then told the valet my last name. I frowned when Demi told me we hadn't said bye to the kids. Shoot, they were going to be so worried. The nurse wheeled Demi into a room then informed us that a doctor would be in momentarily to check if Demi was in labor. I tried my hardest to stand still while we waited for the doctor but I wasn't so sure how long I could do that. Demi was changing into a hospital gown and I finally sat in a chair and placed my head in hands, bouncing my leg. By some miracle, the doctor arrived rather quickly and gently spoke to Demi, apologizing for what he had to do. His hand slipped between her legs and under her gown and I looked up at Demi to see her face contort in discomfort. I reached out and grabbed her hand but her fingers locked around my fingers, squeezing them tightly.
The doctor stood up and looked at Demi, "You're not in labor just yet so we're going to check on the baby and if everything checks out okay then we'll go from there." He grabbed a stethoscope and turned to Demi and checked her heart and blood pressure then moved on to the baby and that's when I noticed a change in his demeanor. My heart stopped as he told me to gather her stuff so he could take us to a delivery room. I grabbed Demi's clothes as he found a nurse to take us to a room while he went to go do god knows what. Demi was wheeled into the room and set up in a bed. I grabbed the nurse's arm, "What's going on?" The nurse told us that Landon's heart beat wasn't fast enough so they were going to induce labor. My eyes went wide as I let go of her arm. I spun to see Demi just as the doctor returned to tell us they were inducing her labor to get him born faster. I grabbed Demi's hand just as they stuck her with the needle. I was scared to the ask the question bouncing my head, were my wife and child going to be okay?
Once the doctor finally arrived, he had me set up before he used some cold, metal rod to check if I was in labor yet. He told me that my cervix was only a few centimeters dilated so that I was not in labor yet and explained to us that a cervix usually needs to be 10 centimeters to be ready to give birth, in order to fit his head. He continued his examination and started checking mine and Landon's vital signs before his face froze and he started speaking softly to the nurse. Cody and I looked at each other confused. The doctor told us the nurse would be leading us to a delivery room. They moved be back to the wheel cheer where the nurse wheeled me to a room, Cody never leaving my side. I heard Cody ask the nurse what happened, whether he intended for me to hear or not, and when she said Landon's heart rate was low, my heart stopped. I could feel the blood rush away from my face as I stiffened up and didn't notice anything going on around me. I could hear sounds but they sounded far away. What had gone wrong? Landon was always so alert and so healthy. His heart rate was always normal. Does this mean he won't survive? Does this mean he'll come out with problems? Does this mean I won't survive? Why is all of this happening? I have had such a healthy pregnancy up until now.
I heard someone calling my name but I continued drowning myself in my thoughts, as I stared at the roof, although I could feel people touching and poking me and speaking all around me. But when I felt a warm hand squeeze at my arm and call my name much louder this time, I snapped myself out of it, only because I recognized it as Cody's voice. I didn't speak however. My face stayed pale and my lips stayed pressed together, as I turned to look at him. He told me that he loved me and that everything was going to be ok, but by the look on his face, I could see that even he didn't believe the latter. "I love you too," I whispered, because I did not have the strength to speak any louder. I looked down and saw that there was now on IV in my arm, which I hadn't even noticed being put into me, despite my fear of needles. I stayed watching how drop my drop of the liquid that was going to induce my labor dropped into the needle and then moved through it and into my body.
My mind wandered off again, trying to think if I had done anything wrong in the last few weeks. Should I not have flown to Texas? They say pregnant women should not travel by plane in their third trimester, but they say it in case you go into labor, not for any other reasons. Regardless of how we got to where we are, I know it had to have been my fault. I know I had to have been a fuck up, like always. After all, I am the one carrying him. I heard more people enter the room, except these voices were familiar to me but I just could not care enough to snap myself out of whatever was going on with me. I had put my son's life in danger and I could never forgive myself for that. I did not deserve to socialize with the people around me. I know what I had to do, and in order to do that, I had to start by acting normal so that I could get what I wanted.
I closed my eyes a split second before opening them again and looking around the room. "Hey mom, hi baby Maddie," I grinned. "Dallas, Eddie," I blew them air kisses before turning to Cody and reaching out my hand to grab his. It must have been at least two hours since Cody and I got to the hospital by now. I heard them talking about what was going on so I could tell Cody had filled them in on everything while I was in la la land. I squeezed Cody's hands and puckered out my lips so that he could kiss me. Once we pulled away, I called over for the nurse and told her that I was ready to sign all my paperwork now. I had heard that in the paperwork you fill out in the hospital, there's one specific one that let's me sign over my rights to end my life if it means saving my baby's life. I know that if I leave it blank, Cody would choose my life over the baby's without hesitation and I did not want that. A few minutes later she brought me over a clipboard with a nice big packet of stuff for me to fill out. Cody leaned over and asked if there was anything for him to fill out. "No, no, all for me. The dad doesn't fill out anything but the right to be labeled the poppa on the birth certificate," I tried to dissuade him from hovering over my shoulder and reading what I was writing, because he would surely not let me sign over my life once I get to that paper.
Demi heard what was going on and she seemed to slip into a catatonic state. She was staring off into space despite people poking and prodding her. Once they left us alone for a few minutes, I gently squeezed her arm. "Baby?" I was terrified with the way she was acting. "I love you. Everything is going to be okay." She simply replied to my I love you then dropped her gaze to the needle in her arm and then she was gone again. I sat in the chair next to her, keeping my hand in hers. I wanted her to talk to me so that we could make each other feel better but she wouldn't snap out of it. I fought back tears as Demi stayed in her own world and I began to think what could cause his heart rate to slow down. Babies have fast heartbeats and with as much energy as he already seems to have, it should be faster. A nurse walked in behind me and I sniffed and wiped at my eye so that she wouldn't see I was upset. I gently rubbed at her arm but it was like she couldn't even feel me. I wanted to rub Demi's stomach to, to feel my son but I feared I'd make whatever was happening worse. A new nurse gently tapped my shoulder and I looked over my shoulder. They told me that Demi's family was here and I asked her to please bring them in. I wasn't leaving Demi's side.
I gave them a tight hugs before I sat back down. "She's been zoned out since they told her. She's come out of it once to tell me she loved me and then went right back under like this. I just.. I'm lost. The doctor said that his heart beat was slower than it should be." I rubbed at my neck, "They didn't tell us what the cause was so I don't know more than that." Her family was only here for about ten minutes before she suddenly snapped out of whatever trance she had been in and greeted her family. Demi puckered her lips and I leaned down to kiss her. A nurse came in to check the IV and Demi said she was ready to sign her paperwork now. I looked at the nurse as she brought the papers back in and I was grateful to do something to keep my mind busy. "Is there anything I can fill out?" Demi responded quickly saying it was all for her. "Oh," I sighed and sunk into my chair, playing with a fraying piece of her bed linens. Dianna piped up and told Demi to let me fill some papers out to get them done faster. Demi shook her head though and said she was glad for the distraction as long as it would last. I understood and I was glad that she at least wasn't in her catatonic state anymore.
As Demi was writing, I craned my neck to see what she was filling out. I read the title of the paper she was flipping and my heart stopped and dropped to my feet. She had signed the paper that gave her life if his was in danger. It felt like I was in a room without air and I tried not to gasp for air. Was this that serious? Could I lose one of them? My eyes filled with tears and I dropped my head to the bed, grabbing my phone and pretending to play games on it. I ground my teeth together and tried not to sniff so I didn't give myself away. Demi softly called my name and I cleared my throat as I looked up as she slid the clipboard to me. I looked over the paper and it was the one saying that I was the dad. I grabbed the pen and signed my name. I stared at it for a while. I heard Demi call my nickname and I looked up at her and her lips were puckered again. I rose from my chair and leaned in and gave her a long kiss. I hoped she knew that I saw that paper. "I'm going to text Kyle to let him know he needs to take care of the kids, okay?" Demi nodded and I grabbed my phone and texted him, letting him know he needed to take care of him. Demi winced and I panicked a little. She told me that the contractions had started. I leaned in and kissed her temple then rested my head against hers. I wouldn't make it a day if she died. I pulled away to let her know I needed to use the restroom before things got to the point where I wouldn't have the time. It was partially true. I snuck into the bathroom and made sure that I peed then I took a moment to compose myself. I had to tell myself to be strong and confident and believe. Everything was going to be okay. Demi wasn't going to die, Landon wasn't going to die so there was no reason to be a blubbering idiot. I splashed my face, wiped it dry then went back to Demi's side.
As I filled out the paperwork, I noticed Cody kept trying to peak at what I was writing so I would joke as if I was hiding it from him. Except I wasn't really joking, I actually was trying to hide it from him, especially the closer I got to the paper that signed my life away in case it was a me or Landon situation. I bit my bottom lip nervously as I quickly switched the page after signing it, and then looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Cody was looking down at his phone but his face was as pale as the sheet of paper sitting in front of me. I called his name to see how he would react, to see if he had seen the paper. He looked up and I pushed out my lips so that he would kiss me again. He definitely knew. I could see it in his eyes. Fuck. He pulled away after letting the kiss linger for a while before he told me he was going to go call Kyle. Now he just assured me something is wrong. He normally would have just called him right in front of me. I let out a sigh as I watched him walk away, closing my eyes once he wasn't in my view any longer.
I must have dozed off for a few minutes cause when my eyes opened again, Cody was sitting back down next to me and the only thing that woke me up was a contraction. "Fuck," I muttered, grinding my teeth together. Cody grabbed my hand and told me to breathe through it. I took deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling slowly. Once the contractions stopped, I thanked Cody. "Oh and baby," I held open the clipboard to pull out one of the sheets in the middle of the packet. I jiggled the paper where I had signed the right for the hospital to take my life if need be and once I knew he saw what it was, I ripped it down the middle. "We won't do that. If it comes down to that, I will let you make the decision," I squeezed his hand. "I would choose to save you too," I whispered to him, making his eyes water up. I tried to bring myself as close to the side of the bed as I could so that my thumbs can reach his face, and then I wiped away at the tears forming in his tear ducts. "I'm here forever and so is Landon. Nothing is going to happen to either of us. Or the three of us. Our perfect family is here to stay forever." I leaned in and kissed the side of his mouth, ready to continue kissing him before another contraction began.
"Oww," I sobbed, leaning back into the bed as I held my stomach. "Owwww," I yelled out in pain. The contractions were starting to come in closer to one another, meaning it shouldn't be more than an hour until it's time. I closed my eyes and did the breathing method Cody had reminded me earlier, as I felt his hands rubbing my arms to calm me down. I know that the poor guy probably had no idea where to touch. He probably thought I was going to snap and yell at him at any moment like the women in labor in movies do. I opened my eyes as the pain subsided and saw everyone was staring at me like if I was an animal on exhibit. This was going to be a loooong night. I wish I could just be here alone with my husband. "I just realized it's past midnight. That means it's June 11th. Landon is going to be born on our 6 month wedding anniversary and our 2 years and 8 months dating anniversary," I grinned.
Demi had fallen asleep while I was in the bathroom so I placed myself back in the chair next to her. I didn't want to wake her by grabbing her hand but I kept my hand right next to her, to grab her hand if she needed me. I looked at the bag hooked to the IV but they'd taken it out since all the drugs had already been pumped into her. Suddenly Demi sucked in air through her teeth as what I'm assuming was a contraction hit her. I grabbed Demi's hand and tried to help her by telling her to breathe through it. She finally relaxed back onto the hospital bed and continued to breath as the aftermath of the pain finally left. She called out my name and I looked up at her as she grabbed a paper from the stack. It was the one that signed away her life. She ripped it down the middle and told me that if it came down to it, I could make the decision. Then she whispered that she'd choose to save me too. My eyes filled with tears at those words. She continued to talk and said that she and Landon were here forever. She kissed right next to my mouth but I wanted a real kiss. I was just about to reach out and hold her right there but then another contraction hit her. She began to cry as she held her stomach and I had no idea what to do. I was not used to Demi being in this kind of pain. I reached out and carefully rubbed at her arms, hoping to assure her I was here. I hoped that the pregnant women being mean during labor wasn't true. I didn't want Demi to snap at me for trying to help her.
Demi looked around at everyone in the room before turning to me and telling me that Landon was going to be born on June 11th. I grinned at her, the first time I'd smiled since we'd been here, "The perfect anniversary gift." I leaned in and finally got the kiss I wanted. I heard Maddie make a sound of disgust and I pulled away and started chuckling. Demi stuck her tongue out at her. "Close your eyes, Maddie." She covered her eyes and leaned on Eddie as I gave Demi another kiss but she pulled away and she screamed in pain. She squeezed my hand while the contraction happened. A nurse came in with the doctor and he checked Demi's cervix and he nodded at the nurse. He looked right at Demi and told her she needed to be ready to start pushing. For a minute, I totally forgot that there was a health concern with the little guy. I was so excited to meet him. I flashed Demi a big grin, "He's going to be here any minute now, baby. We get to meet our little boy." I leaned in and gave her a quick kiss just as the doctor returned and sat in front of Demi. I wrapped one arm behind Demi's back and then grabbed her hand as the doctor stuck her hand up inside Demi. I saw the discomfort in Demi's face and then I heard the doctor say that the cord was wrapped around his neck. "What?" I looked over at her and she asked me if I wanted to cut the cord but it's going to have to happen now. I let go of Demi's hand and washed my hands in a daze then sat where the doctor was and listened carefully as the doctor guided me. My eyes filled with tears when I felt the crown of his fuzzy head. "Baby, I feel him," I choked out. The doctor gently rubbed my back then talked me through to cut the cord. Once I had cut it, the doctor told me that I should go join my wife now because it was going to happen rather quickly from here. I washed my hands quickly but thoroughly then sat back by Demi who was once again screaming in pain. "Breathe, baby, breathe." I kissed her temple and her hand squeezed mine and I was pretty sure she was going to break my hand.
I kept getting contractions closer and closer to one another, and in between I would joke with Cody and my family. But once the contractions were within a minute of each other, they informed the doctor who came rushing over. After checking to see how dilated I was, they said it was time. Holy moly. I would be meeting my son for the first time within the next few minutes. They sent everyone except my mom an Cody out of the room before they put my legs in the stirrups at the end of the bed and the doctor plus a billion nurses crowded around my private area. The doctor placed a short stool right smack in front of my legs while the nurses got a sheet to cover up my bare legs, I guess so that I couldn't see what was going on. I have no idea why they do that. I heard the doctor tell Cody to prepare to cut his umbilical cord because it was wrapped around his neck, and I immediately started crying. "He's not alive?" I cried to my mom since Cody was with the doctor now. She quickly nodded her head and told me that he is alive, he just needs the cord cut right away so that he can breathe properly.
Before I knew it, Cody was back next to me with his eyes watery, and he looked like he had just seen a miracle. I looked up at Cody, who was now grabbing my hand as everyone was yelling at me to push. It wasn't until he kissed my head that I felt relaxed enough to start pushing. I started trying to push from the middle of my stomach, hold it in as I took a deep breath when Cody told me to. My eyes never left his as I continued pushing over and over, despite the pain I was in right now and how how badly it hurt to push so damn hard. I stopped pushing because I needed to take a break and all the nurses started yelling at me to keep pushing and then Cody started telling me to push too and I felt so fucking frustrated and in pain and claustrophobic that I just snapped. "I'm fucking trying!" Cody's eyes opened wide and he looked shocked since I never yell at him unless we're arguing, but even then I don't yell like that at him.
I let out another push just to shut everyone up and the doctor announced that his head was out. "I'm sorry," I whispered to Cody in between another push, and I squeezed his hand, this time not cause I was pushing but to show him that I care and that I really am sorry. "Go look at Landon and make sure he's okay," I quickly told him. "Tell me what he looks like." I squeezed his hand once more before letting go so that he can go towards my legs to see Landon's face now. I looked to my other side and my mom was gone. I found her behind the doctor, crying at the sight of Landon. Why is the mother the last one that gets to see her son? I leaned my head back against bed, with my eyes shut tightly and let out the hardest push I had all night.
I knew Demi was in pain and I tried to be gentle in telling her to push, reminding her that the more she pushed, the faster the pain would be over. Demi stopped pushing and everyone started yelling that she needed to push and I knew it was because they knew Landon needed to get out of there. "Baby, you need to push." But that was a bad idea since Demi cursed and shouted at me. My eyes went wide but I refused to let it get to me. She needed me. Demi pushed again and now the screams of a baby filled the air. Demi apologized to me and I shook my head as I kissed her forehead as she pushed again. Demi told me to go see what Landon looked like and without protesting, I looked between her legs to see a tiny human with a tuft of black hair screaming at the top of his lungs. He had a slightly blue tint to him but I wouldn't tell him that. Demi pushed as hard as she could but it just wasn't enough to get past his shoulders. I walked back up to her and spoke in her ear, "He looks like me, with dark hair. One last push baby and he'll be out and you can see for yourself." Through tears and one last scream, Demi pushed Landon out and the doctor scooped Landon up in her arms and brought her over to Demi. My eyes filled with tears as they set him on her stomach. Demi's arms wrapped under him and she spoke quickly to him. He continued to cry, probably not liking the cool air and being moist out in the open. They shoved a hospital gown thing over my arms so that I could hold him without getting the blood on me. I hated taking him away from Demi but they gently set him in my arms.
He was still crying but I figured he would. It was like music to my ears. He was tiny. But I barely had him in my arms before they grabbed him from me and went to go clean him up. I wanted to help but I wasn't sure if I was allowed to. As soon as they finished cleaning him up, they started checking everything on him. I went over to hug Demi and wiped gently at her tears. The nurses seemed to be moving away from Landon and I thought they'd bring him over to us but they informed us that they needed to transport him to NICU. "What?! What's wrong with him?" I squeezed Demi's hand then walked over to where they currently had Landon. They told us that he was still too small and he still needed a little extra help. They told me that they'd come down and let me know when he was set up so that I could come visit him. I turned and saw Demi sobbing and I rushed over to her and wrapped her in a hug. "Baby, he's going to be okay. He just needs that little extra help." I gently pushed some hair away from her face that was sticking to her face. "You need to take deep breaths, baby. You have to calm down so you can get better. Then we can both go up and see him. I won't go without you." But Demi insisted that the second I could, I needed to go check on Landon. "Will that help you to relax?" She nodded and I wrapped her up in a hug and kissed her lips. "Everything is going to be fine, baby." A nurse gently interrupted us and handed us a paper that showed all his measurements. He was about 5 lbs and 7 ounces and he was about 17 inches long. The nurse informed us that though his weight was low, he should be able to make up the difference quickly. She let us know that the time he had missed in the womb was mostly growing time but because of the umbilical cord being wrapped around him it was reason for them to check the functionality of his lungs and oxygen levels. "When can Demi and I be with him?"
The second they placed my bloody, crying but beautiful son on top of me, everyone else in the room disappeared. My eyes kept moving all around him trying to see all his features. His hair was definitely mine and his eyes were definitely Cody's. It was hard to tell with the rest now but the nose looked like mine and the lips looked like Cody's, although I would need to observe that more later on. I looked down at his hands and feet and counted to make sure he had all ten. He was so perfect that I just started sobbing. "My little dinosaur," I whispered to him. "You are so perfect, just like your daddy." But before I even got the chance to tell him that I love him, a nurse wrapped her hands around his tiny body and passed him to Cody like if my son was a damn hot potato. I watched in amazement as my husband carried our son. The two loves of my life. But Cody got to hold him even less time than I did, as a nurse came and snatched Landon away from him so that she can clean him up and weigh him. I couldn't help but start sobbing when they told me they were taking my son to NICU. I had seen one too many of those birthing shows to know that if they were taking him there, he was not healthy.
While Cody was trying to console me, a nurse interrupted to tell us his measurements and to show us his birth certificate. "Five pounds, seven ounces," I repeated to myself. "He's so little." Now I knew what Cody meant when he would tell me that he was scared to squash him or hurt him. Cody knew that he would be really small. The nurse checked her watch before answering Cody's question, 'you can be with him in 10 minutes, the momma can't go over there for at least an hour but it could be longer. Her body is sore and tender right now and she needs sleep. And when she does go, you will have to wheel her.' I rolled my eyes at the nurse as she walked out of the room. "An hour?" I turned to Cody and started sobbing again. "Why is he unhealthy baby? He looked so perfect. He did not look unhealthy. He was beautiful." I sighed as Cody wiped away my tears with his thumbs.
"You'll go now, right? Well then they let you. Make sure he is okay. And take my family in to see him one at a time. Let me know if he's okay. Tell me if he stopped crying and how he looks when he's not crying." My eyes got watery all over again just thinking about the fact that they won't let me see my own son. I won't lie, I am in a lot of pain right. My vagina feels like it just died. But I would put up with that pain in order to go see Landon. I scooted to one side of the bed at patted the empty side with my hand. "Lay with me until they give you permission to go." Cody agreed and he slowly got into the bed, but he was acting like I was made of porcelain. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, not even giving him a proper kiss, just wanting to feel his lips against mine. "Promise me that he'll be alright?" I pulled away from his mouth just enough to ask him that. When he told me that he knew for a fact Landon would be alright in a few days, I jumped to my main concern. "Why was he crying so hard when they passed him to me? He hates me?" The tears fell down my eyes as I thought of Landon not wanting me to be his mom.
Demi turned to me once the nurse let me know I could go see him in a few minutes and started crying again, asking how he could be unhealthy because he looked so perfect. "He is beautiful, baby. He's just not strong enough yet." I reached up and wiped at her eyes. She asked if I would go see him right when I could and I nodded. "Make sure you have your phone, I'll send pictures, okay?" I did intend to send her pictures but I wanted her to get some sleep while I was gone. I didn't want her in here alone. No way in hell. Demi's eyes got all watery and I squeezed her hand to let her know I was here for her. She scooted over and told me to lay with her so I climbed carefully onto the bed to lay with her. I wanted to rub her tummy and hold her close but I knew she still had to be in so much pain. She leaned into me and placed her lips over mine, probably too exhausted to really kiss me so I did it for her. When Demi asked me to tell her Landon was going to be alright, I made sure my voice sounded sure and strong, "Our son is going to be just fine, baby. He just needs a little extra care but he's going to be coming home in a few days." Demi stayed quiet for a second then asked why he was crying so hard. When she asked if it was her fault, my eyes filled with tears for her.
I reached out and swiped the tears off her cheeks. "Absolutely not, baby. It's normal for babies to cry even when they're handed to their momma. It's cause they're in this cold world now with all that stuff on them. And he's five pounds, baby, it's probably even colder for him." I gently wrapped my arm around her to make her feel better. Once he's wrapped up and in that incubator, I bet he'll relax." Demi's eyes were still producing tears and I could see how exhausted she was. I reached up and pushed hair out of her face. I quietly started singing our song to her and I knew she was trying to fight sleep but I didn't even finish the song before she was asleep.
I stayed in the bed with her for another few minutes when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I gently slid out of bed, grabbing a pillow to put under her arm to give her the illusion that I was still there. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and saw that my mom had arrived. Excellent timing, mom. I walked out into the hallway and gently grabbed a nurse by the arm. "Ma'am, I'm so sorry to interrupt you but can you be me a huge favor?" She seemed perfectly fine with dropping what she was doing. "Can you stay in that room with my wife until I send one of her family members back down? I do not want her to wake up alone but she wants me with our son." The nurse nodded and pointed me towards the NICU. I texted my mom and told her to meet us in the family waiting area. She came rushing in and asked how he was. "He's in NICU. I'm going to have you all come up with me to see him but then I need y'all to go down and be with her. In an hour, I'm going to come down and get her." I knew I was being too formal but it was the only way I could hold my composure. My whole family followed behind me until we reached the NICU. Landon was still fussing in the incubator so the nurse handed me scrubs and told me to change into them since I'd be in here for a while. I changed as quickly as possible then rushed into the NICU. My son was still crying in there and I reached in and gently rubbed the back of my hand of his tiny side. It broke my heart to see him hooked up to oxygen and ivs. He wasn't even an hour old. He began to hiccup gently, still between crying and calming down. "Look at you, Little trooper. I'm so sorry you have to be in this thing." He turned his head to the side and his little eyes looked like he was fighting sleep. I held my finger out for him and he wrapped his little fingers around it. "You can get some sleep, Landon. You've been through a lot." I turned to the nurse and signaled for them to send someone in. Eddie came in first and I grinned up at him. "He's small but he's got a good grip." Eddie sat opposite me and I told Landon this was his Grandpa. Eddie seemed near tears and I stood up and hugged him before he left. I told Landon who everyone was as they came in and it had hit about an hour by the time it was finished. Landon was sleeping now so I removed my hand from his and stood up. I told the nurse I was going to get my wife and I got a wheelchair to go get her. I walked in the room and saw Eddie sitting by her bed. Demi was still clutching the pillow and I gently removed it from her grasp. "Baby, want to go see our son?" She murmured and woke up slowly but she seemed to know why she was waking up. "Wrap your arm around my neck so I can put you in the wheelchair, okay?" She did so and asked me how he was, "He's good, baby. He stopped crying and he's sleeping now." I set her down and wheeled her to go see her son.
The last thing I remembered was Cody singing to me while we cuddled, which helped my sadness a lot more than anyone will ever know. I woke up to Eddy on one side of me, Cody on my other side and a nurse sitting across from my bed. I looked around dazed and confused, forgetting where I was momentarily. Cody told me he was going to take me to see our son, and he asked me to grab onto his neck but without even letting me respond, he picked me up and transferred me to the waiting wheelchair. He rolled me over to the NICU area and I stayed looking down at my feet the entire. I didn't want anyone who recognized me to see me looking like this. Plus I didn't want to see anyone right now except my damn son!
Cody stopped my chair in front of a sink and told me I needed to scrub down really good so that I did. I scrubbed my skin until I was nearly to the bone, anything to be able to touch my son again. I inhaled and then held my breath as Cody opened the door and pushed me into the room. I looked all around, observing all the incubators filled with unhealthy babies in this dark room. I wonder which one is Landon. Cody wheeled me to an incubator towards the back of the room and then set me up so that I was on one of the sides with holes. Without waiting for instructions or permission to do so, I stuck my hands into the holes and automatically touched the warm skin of his arms and legs. They put him in a basic white onesie and even though it was probably premie sized, it was still big on him. "My little dino," I giggled, talking to my son. "You're nearly swimming in your clothes," I wanted him to open his eyes, I wanted to carry him and hold him and hug him and kiss him. I just wanted him to be normal and healthy, the complete opposite of myself.
I looked up to see if Cody had his hands in the two holes on his side but he wasn't even staring at Landon, he was staring at me, which made me feel self-conscious. I quickly looked back down at Landon so that I could make myself forget that he was staring at me. "Landon Jude, did you like your family? Your grandparents came to meet you. And your aunts and uncles. We;re a bit of a whacky family but I promise you that you are going to be the most loved human being on this planet. Me and your daddy are going to make sure nothing ever happens to you," I spoke softly to Landon, despite knowing that he can't understand me even if he were awake right now.
I watched as his chest would rise every time he inhaled. I could stare at him all day. He is just so beautiful and fascinating. I had so much to learn about him. Cody walked around the incubator and over to my side, sitting on the arm rest of the wheel chair so that he can wrap his arm around my shoulder and then leaned down to kiss the top of my head. "The nurse said I'm on a liquid diet for the next few days," I spoke in a soft, not completely there voice to Cody. I felt so out of it. I didn't feel like myself. Or I felt like myself but on drugs or something. I felt delayed and week and depressed. "Would you sneak in fast food for me?" I continued staring at Landon as I asked him. I had a feeling I was going to sleep in NICU tonight. This wheelchair isn't very comfortable but it would have to do.
I kept my eyes on Demi as she interacted with our son. I didn't feel it was fair that I got a full hour to touch him and let him know I was here for him and Demi hadn't had that chance yet. I wished the little guy would wake up just so Demi could see those little blue eyes. I could tell just by the look in Demi's eyes that she was completely and utterly in love with him. I walked around to sit on the arm of Demi's wheelchair and wrapped my arm over her shoulder. I leaned over and gently kissed the top of her head. She spoke to me as if she was completely out of it telling me she was on a liquid diet. I chuckled softly and nodded my head, "Yeah, baby, I'll sneak in some Taco Bell, how's that sound?" She murmured a noise that sounded like she liked the sound of it. Poor girl was so exhausted. I was too but I hadn't just delivered a baby. I waved a nurse over and asked if there was absolutely anyway we could get her a more comfortable chair to sit in. I wasn't trying to get her to fall asleep because I knew that was unfair but that wheelchair was not going to help her get 100% better. The nurse nodded and with the help of a male nurse, they brought some type of recliner over for her. I scooped Demi up without asking permission and gently set her in the chair then scoot it closer to Landon. Demi tried to get me to sit in the chair with her but I chuckled because there was no where near enough room for me. "I'm okay, baby."
I sat opposite her and put my hands through the incubator. "Earlier when I came up here, he grabbed onto my finger. Do you think he recognizes our touch still?" I gently stoked his warm skin, glad that the little dino wasn't cold anymore. "He was still crying when I first got up here but not quite so much and then when I started talking to him and put my hand through the hole, he calmed down." I laid my head on the outside of the glass. "His little lip was pouted out and he was sniffling until he finally fell asleep. He fought it for awhile though." I wished we could have our own private room with Landon where he could stay in his little incubator and then Demi and I could lay in a bed together next to him. Instead we were stuck sitting away from each other. I wanted so badly to hold my wife and baby and to show them that they would both be fine. I feared for both my wife's life and my son's life. I could tell that Demi was not herself, she was in a fog almost. I reached over Landon's little body and gently grabbed Demi's hand, squeezing it. "He's beautiful, isn't he? Like his momma." Landon in his sleep gave a little shuddering breath like when infants cried themselves to sleep. He smacked his lips and fidgeted a little before he was still aside from his chest rising and falling.
After about a half hour of sitting across from Demi, I stood back up and sat on the arm of the chair so I could be closer to her on any given day at this time, we'd be cuddled up together in bed and sound asleep. All I wanted was to hold her while we kept an eye on Landon. We had to have been here for about an hour together when Landon slowly opened his eyes. Demi perked up a little bit and immediately started talking to him. His eyes were barely open and he still looked exhausted but at least he was awake for a moment. "Put your finger by his hand, baby." She did so and Landon wrapped his little fingers around hers just like he'd done for me. His eyes weren't open for more than a minute before they closed again. I watched as Demi deflated almost instantly and my heart broke and I tried my best to reassure her. "He needs his rest, baby. It's going to help his body grow. In a few days, I bet he's going to be awake more often!" Demi just nodded so I pulled her to me so I could hold her. I kissed the top of her head and apologized to her.
A nurse explained to me earlier that if the cord was going to wrap around the baby, there was no way to stop it. It happened most often when babies moved around a lot. She told me it was silly to blame ourselves. His hand was still wrapped around Demi's and my eyes remained on his chest rising and falling. My eyes started to water up again at the thought of his little chest going still. I didn't know how we'd make it if Landon didn't live through this. I wanted to step away to cry so badly but I was scared to leave Demi. I gently squeezed Demi's shoulder before I stood up and started walking towards the door. Demi asked me where I was going and I told her I needed to use the restroom and that I would be back as soon as I could.
I walked out into the hallway and barely made it around the corner before I collapsed against the wall and the tears flooded down my face. I held my hands to my face and let myself cry at how sick my son was and how there wasn't anything I could do to make him better. I cried because Landon's health was making it even riskier for Demi's depression. It wasn't fair. Demi and I had done everything we could to make sure her pregnancy was so healthy. 'Oh honey,', I heard my mom's voice and her arms wrapped around me as I cried into her shoulder. I could tell in her voice that she was crying. "I jus-just don't understand how th-this could have happened." I tried to breathe in but I choked on my own saliva and coughed through my tears. "He's five pounds and hooked up to so many machines." I pulled away from my mom and wiped at my tears and tried to calm down. "But he's so beautiful. Just like Demi. He looks like me but he's got her beauty. I don't know how that makes sense.." I half laughed and half sobbed. My mom pulled me back into her arms and told me I needed to go be with my wife and son and I nodded. I swiped at my eyes and took a few deep breaths to calm down, regaining any composure that I could. I walked back into the room and sat back on the arm chair and Demi leaned back into me, her arm still in the incubator. "I love you, Demi. I love you and Landon so much."
I quietly sat next to the incubator for a good amount of time. The only thing that interrupted me staring at Landon was when Cody moved to my side. Finally, baby Landon opened his eyes and I felt my heart race faster excitedly. I squeezed at Cody's knee with one hand as Cody he suggested I put my finger near his hand. As if my finger was a rattle or another baby toy, he gripped at my finger hard and it felt like we were holding hands. But before I had the chance to do much, his eyes were closed again. Cody suddenly rushed up from the chair and started walking away, only telling me he was heading to the bathroom after I asked. It must have been about ten minutes before he came back and I leaned into his body as he sat back down in the arm of the chair. Something was definitely up with him. "I love you too, Cody," I pulled my eyes away from Landon for the first time since I'd come over here. I noticed that his eyes were red and glossy and I know he had been crying. Did they tell him something else that I didn't know? Or did he just finally burst after trying to be strong all night for me?
"I know you've been being strong for me and Landon. You can show me your emotions, you know. It's my turn to be strong for you guys," I twisted my neck so that I could lay my head on his lap, my face turned to look at Landon, of course. Cody brushed his fingers through my hair and although it felt good, it reminded me of what a hot mess I must have looked like right now. My makeup must have been running, my hair was probably knotted and sweaty and gross, I was dressed in a shapeless hospital gown and the socks they provide. To make matters worse, I couldn't even walk on my own, or at all at the moment. How Cody could love me through all this was beyond me. He is literally my guardian angel sent from up above to protect me.
The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and it took me a second to realize where I was and that this wasn't a nightmare. I quickly lifted my head and looked to see if Landon was breathing and once I was reassured that he was, I spun my head around to look for Cody. To see him literally right behind me scared the life out of me, causing me to gasp. I must have dozed off, but now that I think about it, I fell asleep on top of him. "You stayed the entire time? Your butt must hurt. I'm sorry, I didn't know I would fall asleep." I apologized, looking down at my hands in embarrassment. "Why don't you go back to our hospital room and nap for a few hours, You need it," I told him, but before I even finished my sentence, he was shaking his head and saying he wants to stay here. "How about we ask both of our moms to stay in here with Landon and you and me go nap?" I asked Cody, hoping that would convince him even though I didn't really want to leave Landon. I just needed him to sleep, as the next few days, maybe even weeks would be long ones.
Cody hesitated to agree but I guess me getting some sleep is what got him to agree. I stuck my hands in the incubator and squeezed at his tiny, now warm, little feet. He was just too cute. I blew him a kiss through one of the little holes and told him that I love him before taking my hands out and turning to Cody so he can move me back to the wheel chair. He wheeled me to my hospital room where he told our moms to rush back to NICU so that Landon doesn't stay alone. I wrapped my arms around his neck, already knowing he wouldn't let me try walking to the bed by myself, so that he could carry me over. I turned onto my side and moved as far to the side as I can to make room for Cody who kicked off his shoes before joining me in bed. I grabbed the bed sheets and pulled them up over my head to give Cody and I some privacy since Eddy, Madison, Dallas and some of Cody's brothers were here too.
"He is so beautiful, baby," I whispered to Cody, our faces close together thanks to the small size of the bed. "We made the most beautiful little boy on this planet. He looks so much like you but with my hair and my grumpiness," I joked. I reached my hand around his body and to his back, sticking my hand under his shirt to rub at his bare skin, as I began softly humming the tune to "Catch Me" to him. Before I knew it, he had fallen asleep, and thank God, cause that meant I could sleep now too. I closed my eyes and let myself fall asleep, hoping for a nice long slumber this time. That is, until I woke up from a nightmare, throwing myself to sit up despite how much that hurt my private part. I had no idea how long Cody and I had been asleep but we had been away from Landon for at least a few hours, I think. "Where the fuck is Landon? Where is my son?!" I started screaming, looking around at everyone staring at me like I was crazy. I looked down beside me and Cody was still peacefully asleep. In my nightmare, Landon was being taken to a foster home because they did a mental evaluation on me and said I was an unfit mother. "Bring me Landon!" I shouted, pressing my face against my hands as I started to cry. "You can't fucking take him from me," I mumbled in to my hands.
I pulled in front of the ER and hopped out and rushed inside. I slid to a halt in front of the nurse's station and blurted out, "My wife's water broke!" The nurse acted like I'd told her the sky was blue and turned to the man standing behind her. He walked out form behind the desk and told me to lead him to her. I ran out the door, tossing my keys to the valet before opening Demi's door. I picked Demi up and set her in the wheelchair. The man started wheeling Demi inside as I grabbed our bags from the bag then told the valet my last name. I frowned when Demi told me we hadn't said bye to the kids. Shoot, they were going to be so worried. The nurse wheeled Demi into a room then informed us that a doctor would be in momentarily to check if Demi was in labor. I tried my hardest to stand still while we waited for the doctor but I wasn't so sure how long I could do that. Demi was changing into a hospital gown and I finally sat in a chair and placed my head in hands, bouncing my leg. By some miracle, the doctor arrived rather quickly and gently spoke to Demi, apologizing for what he had to do. His hand slipped between her legs and under her gown and I looked up at Demi to see her face contort in discomfort. I reached out and grabbed her hand but her fingers locked around my fingers, squeezing them tightly.
The doctor stood up and looked at Demi, "You're not in labor just yet so we're going to check on the baby and if everything checks out okay then we'll go from there." He grabbed a stethoscope and turned to Demi and checked her heart and blood pressure then moved on to the baby and that's when I noticed a change in his demeanor. My heart stopped as he told me to gather her stuff so he could take us to a delivery room. I grabbed Demi's clothes as he found a nurse to take us to a room while he went to go do god knows what. Demi was wheeled into the room and set up in a bed. I grabbed the nurse's arm, "What's going on?" The nurse told us that Landon's heart beat wasn't fast enough so they were going to induce labor. My eyes went wide as I let go of her arm. I spun to see Demi just as the doctor returned to tell us they were inducing her labor to get him born faster. I grabbed Demi's hand just as they stuck her with the needle. I was scared to the ask the question bouncing my head, were my wife and child going to be okay?
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I heard someone calling my name but I continued drowning myself in my thoughts, as I stared at the roof, although I could feel people touching and poking me and speaking all around me. But when I felt a warm hand squeeze at my arm and call my name much louder this time, I snapped myself out of it, only because I recognized it as Cody's voice. I didn't speak however. My face stayed pale and my lips stayed pressed together, as I turned to look at him. He told me that he loved me and that everything was going to be ok, but by the look on his face, I could see that even he didn't believe the latter. "I love you too," I whispered, because I did not have the strength to speak any louder. I looked down and saw that there was now on IV in my arm, which I hadn't even noticed being put into me, despite my fear of needles. I stayed watching how drop my drop of the liquid that was going to induce my labor dropped into the needle and then moved through it and into my body.
My mind wandered off again, trying to think if I had done anything wrong in the last few weeks. Should I not have flown to Texas? They say pregnant women should not travel by plane in their third trimester, but they say it in case you go into labor, not for any other reasons. Regardless of how we got to where we are, I know it had to have been my fault. I know I had to have been a fuck up, like always. After all, I am the one carrying him. I heard more people enter the room, except these voices were familiar to me but I just could not care enough to snap myself out of whatever was going on with me. I had put my son's life in danger and I could never forgive myself for that. I did not deserve to socialize with the people around me. I know what I had to do, and in order to do that, I had to start by acting normal so that I could get what I wanted.
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I gave them a tight hugs before I sat back down. "She's been zoned out since they told her. She's come out of it once to tell me she loved me and then went right back under like this. I just.. I'm lost. The doctor said that his heart beat was slower than it should be." I rubbed at my neck, "They didn't tell us what the cause was so I don't know more than that." Her family was only here for about ten minutes before she suddenly snapped out of whatever trance she had been in and greeted her family. Demi puckered her lips and I leaned down to kiss her. A nurse came in to check the IV and Demi said she was ready to sign her paperwork now. I looked at the nurse as she brought the papers back in and I was grateful to do something to keep my mind busy. "Is there anything I can fill out?" Demi responded quickly saying it was all for her. "Oh," I sighed and sunk into my chair, playing with a fraying piece of her bed linens. Dianna piped up and told Demi to let me fill some papers out to get them done faster. Demi shook her head though and said she was glad for the distraction as long as it would last. I understood and I was glad that she at least wasn't in her catatonic state anymore.
As Demi was writing, I craned my neck to see what she was filling out. I read the title of the paper she was flipping and my heart stopped and dropped to my feet. She had signed the paper that gave her life if his was in danger. It felt like I was in a room without air and I tried not to gasp for air. Was this that serious? Could I lose one of them? My eyes filled with tears and I dropped my head to the bed, grabbing my phone and pretending to play games on it. I ground my teeth together and tried not to sniff so I didn't give myself away. Demi softly called my name and I cleared my throat as I looked up as she slid the clipboard to me. I looked over the paper and it was the one saying that I was the dad. I grabbed the pen and signed my name. I stared at it for a while. I heard Demi call my nickname and I looked up at her and her lips were puckered again. I rose from my chair and leaned in and gave her a long kiss. I hoped she knew that I saw that paper. "I'm going to text Kyle to let him know he needs to take care of the kids, okay?" Demi nodded and I grabbed my phone and texted him, letting him know he needed to take care of him. Demi winced and I panicked a little. She told me that the contractions had started. I leaned in and kissed her temple then rested my head against hers. I wouldn't make it a day if she died. I pulled away to let her know I needed to use the restroom before things got to the point where I wouldn't have the time. It was partially true. I snuck into the bathroom and made sure that I peed then I took a moment to compose myself. I had to tell myself to be strong and confident and believe. Everything was going to be okay. Demi wasn't going to die, Landon wasn't going to die so there was no reason to be a blubbering idiot. I splashed my face, wiped it dry then went back to Demi's side.
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I must have dozed off for a few minutes cause when my eyes opened again, Cody was sitting back down next to me and the only thing that woke me up was a contraction. "Fuck," I muttered, grinding my teeth together. Cody grabbed my hand and told me to breathe through it. I took deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling slowly. Once the contractions stopped, I thanked Cody. "Oh and baby," I held open the clipboard to pull out one of the sheets in the middle of the packet. I jiggled the paper where I had signed the right for the hospital to take my life if need be and once I knew he saw what it was, I ripped it down the middle. "We won't do that. If it comes down to that, I will let you make the decision," I squeezed his hand. "I would choose to save you too," I whispered to him, making his eyes water up. I tried to bring myself as close to the side of the bed as I could so that my thumbs can reach his face, and then I wiped away at the tears forming in his tear ducts. "I'm here forever and so is Landon. Nothing is going to happen to either of us. Or the three of us. Our perfect family is here to stay forever." I leaned in and kissed the side of his mouth, ready to continue kissing him before another contraction began.
"Oww," I sobbed, leaning back into the bed as I held my stomach. "Owwww," I yelled out in pain. The contractions were starting to come in closer to one another, meaning it shouldn't be more than an hour until it's time. I closed my eyes and did the breathing method Cody had reminded me earlier, as I felt his hands rubbing my arms to calm me down. I know that the poor guy probably had no idea where to touch. He probably thought I was going to snap and yell at him at any moment like the women in labor in movies do. I opened my eyes as the pain subsided and saw everyone was staring at me like if I was an animal on exhibit. This was going to be a loooong night. I wish I could just be here alone with my husband. "I just realized it's past midnight. That means it's June 11th. Landon is going to be born on our 6 month wedding anniversary and our 2 years and 8 months dating anniversary," I grinned.
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Demi looked around at everyone in the room before turning to me and telling me that Landon was going to be born on June 11th. I grinned at her, the first time I'd smiled since we'd been here, "The perfect anniversary gift." I leaned in and finally got the kiss I wanted. I heard Maddie make a sound of disgust and I pulled away and started chuckling. Demi stuck her tongue out at her. "Close your eyes, Maddie." She covered her eyes and leaned on Eddie as I gave Demi another kiss but she pulled away and she screamed in pain. She squeezed my hand while the contraction happened. A nurse came in with the doctor and he checked Demi's cervix and he nodded at the nurse. He looked right at Demi and told her she needed to be ready to start pushing. For a minute, I totally forgot that there was a health concern with the little guy. I was so excited to meet him. I flashed Demi a big grin, "He's going to be here any minute now, baby. We get to meet our little boy." I leaned in and gave her a quick kiss just as the doctor returned and sat in front of Demi. I wrapped one arm behind Demi's back and then grabbed her hand as the doctor stuck her hand up inside Demi. I saw the discomfort in Demi's face and then I heard the doctor say that the cord was wrapped around his neck. "What?" I looked over at her and she asked me if I wanted to cut the cord but it's going to have to happen now. I let go of Demi's hand and washed my hands in a daze then sat where the doctor was and listened carefully as the doctor guided me. My eyes filled with tears when I felt the crown of his fuzzy head. "Baby, I feel him," I choked out. The doctor gently rubbed my back then talked me through to cut the cord. Once I had cut it, the doctor told me that I should go join my wife now because it was going to happen rather quickly from here. I washed my hands quickly but thoroughly then sat back by Demi who was once again screaming in pain. "Breathe, baby, breathe." I kissed her temple and her hand squeezed mine and I was pretty sure she was going to break my hand.
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Before I knew it, Cody was back next to me with his eyes watery, and he looked like he had just seen a miracle. I looked up at Cody, who was now grabbing my hand as everyone was yelling at me to push. It wasn't until he kissed my head that I felt relaxed enough to start pushing. I started trying to push from the middle of my stomach, hold it in as I took a deep breath when Cody told me to. My eyes never left his as I continued pushing over and over, despite the pain I was in right now and how how badly it hurt to push so damn hard. I stopped pushing because I needed to take a break and all the nurses started yelling at me to keep pushing and then Cody started telling me to push too and I felt so fucking frustrated and in pain and claustrophobic that I just snapped. "I'm fucking trying!" Cody's eyes opened wide and he looked shocked since I never yell at him unless we're arguing, but even then I don't yell like that at him.
I let out another push just to shut everyone up and the doctor announced that his head was out. "I'm sorry," I whispered to Cody in between another push, and I squeezed his hand, this time not cause I was pushing but to show him that I care and that I really am sorry. "Go look at Landon and make sure he's okay," I quickly told him. "Tell me what he looks like." I squeezed his hand once more before letting go so that he can go towards my legs to see Landon's face now. I looked to my other side and my mom was gone. I found her behind the doctor, crying at the sight of Landon. Why is the mother the last one that gets to see her son? I leaned my head back against bed, with my eyes shut tightly and let out the hardest push I had all night.
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He was still crying but I figured he would. It was like music to my ears. He was tiny. But I barely had him in my arms before they grabbed him from me and went to go clean him up. I wanted to help but I wasn't sure if I was allowed to. As soon as they finished cleaning him up, they started checking everything on him. I went over to hug Demi and wiped gently at her tears. The nurses seemed to be moving away from Landon and I thought they'd bring him over to us but they informed us that they needed to transport him to NICU. "What?! What's wrong with him?" I squeezed Demi's hand then walked over to where they currently had Landon. They told us that he was still too small and he still needed a little extra help. They told me that they'd come down and let me know when he was set up so that I could come visit him. I turned and saw Demi sobbing and I rushed over to her and wrapped her in a hug. "Baby, he's going to be okay. He just needs that little extra help." I gently pushed some hair away from her face that was sticking to her face. "You need to take deep breaths, baby. You have to calm down so you can get better. Then we can both go up and see him. I won't go without you." But Demi insisted that the second I could, I needed to go check on Landon. "Will that help you to relax?" She nodded and I wrapped her up in a hug and kissed her lips. "Everything is going to be fine, baby." A nurse gently interrupted us and handed us a paper that showed all his measurements. He was about 5 lbs and 7 ounces and he was about 17 inches long. The nurse informed us that though his weight was low, he should be able to make up the difference quickly. She let us know that the time he had missed in the womb was mostly growing time but because of the umbilical cord being wrapped around him it was reason for them to check the functionality of his lungs and oxygen levels. "When can Demi and I be with him?"
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While Cody was trying to console me, a nurse interrupted to tell us his measurements and to show us his birth certificate. "Five pounds, seven ounces," I repeated to myself. "He's so little." Now I knew what Cody meant when he would tell me that he was scared to squash him or hurt him. Cody knew that he would be really small. The nurse checked her watch before answering Cody's question, 'you can be with him in 10 minutes, the momma can't go over there for at least an hour but it could be longer. Her body is sore and tender right now and she needs sleep. And when she does go, you will have to wheel her.' I rolled my eyes at the nurse as she walked out of the room. "An hour?" I turned to Cody and started sobbing again. "Why is he unhealthy baby? He looked so perfect. He did not look unhealthy. He was beautiful." I sighed as Cody wiped away my tears with his thumbs.
"You'll go now, right? Well then they let you. Make sure he is okay. And take my family in to see him one at a time. Let me know if he's okay. Tell me if he stopped crying and how he looks when he's not crying." My eyes got watery all over again just thinking about the fact that they won't let me see my own son. I won't lie, I am in a lot of pain right. My vagina feels like it just died. But I would put up with that pain in order to go see Landon. I scooted to one side of the bed at patted the empty side with my hand. "Lay with me until they give you permission to go." Cody agreed and he slowly got into the bed, but he was acting like I was made of porcelain. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, not even giving him a proper kiss, just wanting to feel his lips against mine. "Promise me that he'll be alright?" I pulled away from his mouth just enough to ask him that. When he told me that he knew for a fact Landon would be alright in a few days, I jumped to my main concern. "Why was he crying so hard when they passed him to me? He hates me?" The tears fell down my eyes as I thought of Landon not wanting me to be his mom.
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I reached out and swiped the tears off her cheeks. "Absolutely not, baby. It's normal for babies to cry even when they're handed to their momma. It's cause they're in this cold world now with all that stuff on them. And he's five pounds, baby, it's probably even colder for him." I gently wrapped my arm around her to make her feel better. Once he's wrapped up and in that incubator, I bet he'll relax." Demi's eyes were still producing tears and I could see how exhausted she was. I reached up and pushed hair out of her face. I quietly started singing our song to her and I knew she was trying to fight sleep but I didn't even finish the song before she was asleep.
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Cody stopped my chair in front of a sink and told me I needed to scrub down really good so that I did. I scrubbed my skin until I was nearly to the bone, anything to be able to touch my son again. I inhaled and then held my breath as Cody opened the door and pushed me into the room. I looked all around, observing all the incubators filled with unhealthy babies in this dark room. I wonder which one is Landon. Cody wheeled me to an incubator towards the back of the room and then set me up so that I was on one of the sides with holes. Without waiting for instructions or permission to do so, I stuck my hands into the holes and automatically touched the warm skin of his arms and legs. They put him in a basic white onesie and even though it was probably premie sized, it was still big on him. "My little dino," I giggled, talking to my son. "You're nearly swimming in your clothes," I wanted him to open his eyes, I wanted to carry him and hold him and hug him and kiss him. I just wanted him to be normal and healthy, the complete opposite of myself.
I looked up to see if Cody had his hands in the two holes on his side but he wasn't even staring at Landon, he was staring at me, which made me feel self-conscious. I quickly looked back down at Landon so that I could make myself forget that he was staring at me. "Landon Jude, did you like your family? Your grandparents came to meet you. And your aunts and uncles. We;re a bit of a whacky family but I promise you that you are going to be the most loved human being on this planet. Me and your daddy are going to make sure nothing ever happens to you," I spoke softly to Landon, despite knowing that he can't understand me even if he were awake right now.
I watched as his chest would rise every time he inhaled. I could stare at him all day. He is just so beautiful and fascinating. I had so much to learn about him. Cody walked around the incubator and over to my side, sitting on the arm rest of the wheel chair so that he can wrap his arm around my shoulder and then leaned down to kiss the top of my head. "The nurse said I'm on a liquid diet for the next few days," I spoke in a soft, not completely there voice to Cody. I felt so out of it. I didn't feel like myself. Or I felt like myself but on drugs or something. I felt delayed and week and depressed. "Would you sneak in fast food for me?" I continued staring at Landon as I asked him. I had a feeling I was going to sleep in NICU tonight. This wheelchair isn't very comfortable but it would have to do.
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I sat opposite her and put my hands through the incubator. "Earlier when I came up here, he grabbed onto my finger. Do you think he recognizes our touch still?" I gently stoked his warm skin, glad that the little dino wasn't cold anymore. "He was still crying when I first got up here but not quite so much and then when I started talking to him and put my hand through the hole, he calmed down." I laid my head on the outside of the glass. "His little lip was pouted out and he was sniffling until he finally fell asleep. He fought it for awhile though." I wished we could have our own private room with Landon where he could stay in his little incubator and then Demi and I could lay in a bed together next to him. Instead we were stuck sitting away from each other. I wanted so badly to hold my wife and baby and to show them that they would both be fine. I feared for both my wife's life and my son's life. I could tell that Demi was not herself, she was in a fog almost. I reached over Landon's little body and gently grabbed Demi's hand, squeezing it. "He's beautiful, isn't he? Like his momma." Landon in his sleep gave a little shuddering breath like when infants cried themselves to sleep. He smacked his lips and fidgeted a little before he was still aside from his chest rising and falling.
After about a half hour of sitting across from Demi, I stood back up and sat on the arm of the chair so I could be closer to her on any given day at this time, we'd be cuddled up together in bed and sound asleep. All I wanted was to hold her while we kept an eye on Landon. We had to have been here for about an hour together when Landon slowly opened his eyes. Demi perked up a little bit and immediately started talking to him. His eyes were barely open and he still looked exhausted but at least he was awake for a moment. "Put your finger by his hand, baby." She did so and Landon wrapped his little fingers around hers just like he'd done for me. His eyes weren't open for more than a minute before they closed again. I watched as Demi deflated almost instantly and my heart broke and I tried my best to reassure her. "He needs his rest, baby. It's going to help his body grow. In a few days, I bet he's going to be awake more often!" Demi just nodded so I pulled her to me so I could hold her. I kissed the top of her head and apologized to her.
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I walked out into the hallway and barely made it around the corner before I collapsed against the wall and the tears flooded down my face. I held my hands to my face and let myself cry at how sick my son was and how there wasn't anything I could do to make him better. I cried because Landon's health was making it even riskier for Demi's depression. It wasn't fair. Demi and I had done everything we could to make sure her pregnancy was so healthy. 'Oh honey,', I heard my mom's voice and her arms wrapped around me as I cried into her shoulder. I could tell in her voice that she was crying. "I jus-just don't understand how th-this could have happened." I tried to breathe in but I choked on my own saliva and coughed through my tears. "He's five pounds and hooked up to so many machines." I pulled away from my mom and wiped at my tears and tried to calm down. "But he's so beautiful. Just like Demi. He looks like me but he's got her beauty. I don't know how that makes sense.." I half laughed and half sobbed. My mom pulled me back into her arms and told me I needed to go be with my wife and son and I nodded. I swiped at my eyes and took a few deep breaths to calm down, regaining any composure that I could. I walked back into the room and sat back on the arm chair and Demi leaned back into me, her arm still in the incubator. "I love you, Demi. I love you and Landon so much."
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"I know you've been being strong for me and Landon. You can show me your emotions, you know. It's my turn to be strong for you guys," I twisted my neck so that I could lay my head on his lap, my face turned to look at Landon, of course. Cody brushed his fingers through my hair and although it felt good, it reminded me of what a hot mess I must have looked like right now. My makeup must have been running, my hair was probably knotted and sweaty and gross, I was dressed in a shapeless hospital gown and the socks they provide. To make matters worse, I couldn't even walk on my own, or at all at the moment. How Cody could love me through all this was beyond me. He is literally my guardian angel sent from up above to protect me.
The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and it took me a second to realize where I was and that this wasn't a nightmare. I quickly lifted my head and looked to see if Landon was breathing and once I was reassured that he was, I spun my head around to look for Cody. To see him literally right behind me scared the life out of me, causing me to gasp. I must have dozed off, but now that I think about it, I fell asleep on top of him. "You stayed the entire time? Your butt must hurt. I'm sorry, I didn't know I would fall asleep." I apologized, looking down at my hands in embarrassment. "Why don't you go back to our hospital room and nap for a few hours, You need it," I told him, but before I even finished my sentence, he was shaking his head and saying he wants to stay here. "How about we ask both of our moms to stay in here with Landon and you and me go nap?" I asked Cody, hoping that would convince him even though I didn't really want to leave Landon. I just needed him to sleep, as the next few days, maybe even weeks would be long ones.
Cody hesitated to agree but I guess me getting some sleep is what got him to agree. I stuck my hands in the incubator and squeezed at his tiny, now warm, little feet. He was just too cute. I blew him a kiss through one of the little holes and told him that I love him before taking my hands out and turning to Cody so he can move me back to the wheel chair. He wheeled me to my hospital room where he told our moms to rush back to NICU so that Landon doesn't stay alone. I wrapped my arms around his neck, already knowing he wouldn't let me try walking to the bed by myself, so that he could carry me over. I turned onto my side and moved as far to the side as I can to make room for Cody who kicked off his shoes before joining me in bed. I grabbed the bed sheets and pulled them up over my head to give Cody and I some privacy since Eddy, Madison, Dallas and some of Cody's brothers were here too.
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