001

[jazz_trance]

Er, hello? Is there someone there? …Listen, Mr. Kidnapper, if you’re hearing this, whatever you’re trying to do, it’s not gonna work. When Howard Moon goes missing, things happen. People are up in arms. And it’s not just the mobs you’ll have to deal with, oh no. There’s me. Yeah, you just show your face, and I’ll come at you like a feral cat, like

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[numanstan]

... Howard?

[numanstan]

Yeah, y'sorta... are, though. The town likes puttin' people in little families-- husband, wife, two kids. They're alright-- 'less they're drones, then they're pretty annoyin'.

[jazz_trance]

So, what you're saying is, everyone who comes to this town gets a random family full of strangers who act like they've known them their whole lives?

[He's still not entirely convinced this isn't some prank, but he's starting to believe.]

...And you've got one of these too?

[numanstan]

Yep, pretty much. And it's just me and Yumeko, now, but I reckon they'll give us kids any day now. New people're always showin' up-- like you!

[He pauses nervously, fiddling with a lock of his hair.] ... There's somethin' well important I've got to tell you, but y'aren't gonna believe me.

[jazz_trance]

What, more important than the fact that we're both suddenly married with kids?

[numanstan]

Y'don't stay dead here. Y'come back to life the next day.

[A beat.]

And before y'say "No, Vince, that's mad," I'm speakin' from personal experience.

[jazz_trance]

You're mad.

Either that or this is the stupidest prank you've ever tried to pull.

[Aaand he's right back to not believing him.]

[numanstan]

Howard, this ain't a prank, I swear it! I'm actually bein' serious for--

[He pauses, having thought up the perfect way to convince Howard he's not lying. He points to his shoes.] Do y'really this I'd wear these shoes if I wasn't bein' forced to? This can't be a prank-- I'm not nearly that dedicated.

[jazz_trance]

[He considers this.]

...Okay, you have a point. But sensible shoes alone prove nothing. Maybe you have less practical shoes hidden inside 'em, like a little shoe-shaped Trojan horse.

[numanstan]

[siiiigh gdi Howard, this is not even in the Top 5 of the weirdest things that have ever happened to us.] What's gonna convince y'that I'm not lyin'?

[jazz_trance]

[But he's suspicious of you on principal, Vince.]

How about some evidence, eh?

[numanstan]

[why he only lies to you like all the time FRIENDSHIP IS ABOUT TRUST, HOWARD!] Evidence! Y'want me to kill myself or somethin'? 'Cause I can't think of anythin' else that'd prove it!

[jazz_trance]

[Vince? Threatening suicide? OH PLEASE.]

Don't be so melodramatic. If you were tellin' the truth, then I'm sure other people would've noticed. I reckon there'd be about five hundred BBC special reports on it by now, with a documentary in the works.

[numanstan]

Nobody knows 'bout this place-- the town's completely blocked off from the outside. If y'try leavin', y'just loop 'round back. We've been lookin' for a way out for ages now, but so far... nothin'.

We're stuck.

[jazz_trance]

[Hm, well, that part's not as surprising. They've been trapped in a lot of places before. Or at least Howard has.]

I see.

...Well, there's got to be some way out. There always is. You probably weren't looking hard enough.

[numanstan]

But we have been lookin'... [He sighs.] I just don't want y'to find out 'bout this place the hard way. [Like he did.]