DRABBLE: He Watched Me

[ishonn]

Title: He Watched Me
Rating: PG
Characters: R/S, Remus's POV
Word count: 100
Disclaimer: I disclaim.
A/N: Another idea rescued from a bad poem. The title was inspired by the way paulamcg entitles her stories, and I must immodestly admit I like it a lot.

He Watched Me“Okay,” I said, and he nodded with this solemn face

Comments

[paulamcg]

I assume you are not surprised to hear that I love this title. It looks unique, includes the essence of the story, doesn’t really reveal anything beforehand, and doesn’t add interpretations to the text

[ishonn]

I’m just finishing my letter to you (okay, almost finishing), but I can’t resist replying to your wonderful comments immediately.

I’m so glad you liked the title! The original poem was “Staying”, or “Staying (II)” - to distinguish it from the other one. However, as I made it into the drabble, I wanted to look for another, better title. In a spark of undeniable genius I remembered the way you entitled some of your stories and used the idea.

I agree that a present tense wouldn’t be quite as convincing, particularly that I wanted Remus’s thoughts to be calm and smooth, which they couldn’t possibly be during the transformations. Wording it so perfectly, you made me realise that that’s exactly what I was trying to catch: the quality of a miracle, recalled in peace but with no less wonder. I’m thrilled that I managed to convey it with the text’s structure. I’ve just become aware of the character of And I knew. It reminds me of some profession of faith, do you also have this association

[paulamcg]

I can’t help feeling that your original one-word title sounds very abstract or sterile or something - not as real (like a part of Remus’s experience) as the one you ended up choosing. On the other hand, perhaps I shouldn’t tempt you to start using shameless first-person titles, as there is probably bias against them.

I wanted Remus’s thoughts to be calm and smooth, which they couldn’t possibly be during the transformationsThis reminds me of how you found the wording of my Remus’s thoughts too complex in his post-transformation state in Change in Direction. Perhaps I should have given up my favourite tense in that drabble

[ishonn]

I must agree with your remarks on the original title. I think I always tend to give my works such neat & tidy, boring titles, perhaps sterile, as you called it. They seem to fit my poems, where they often serve a special purpose, and I don’t have much experience with prose yet. Oh, now I feel tempted to use the shameless first-person titles the more if they indeed are shameless and the object of bias. You’re demoralising me …

I remembered our discussion on “ Change in Direction” myself when I wrote this, but I see an essential difference. Your Remus (apart from being yours) is older, wiser, and even though the pain hasn’t decreased over the years, he goes through a rather ‘normal’ transformation. For my Remus, on the other hand, this transformation is particularly emotionally charged: he allows Sirius to watch him. I don’t think he’d be able to verbalise his emotions coherently at that moment

[randygrapes]

This one in particular is fan-bloody-tastic. I've read quite a bit of your work now, and I love the thought behind the words so much.

Just thought I'd let you know.

xxx

[ishonn]

Now you really make me squee! Thank you very much for the praise; I'm thrilled that you could feel the thought behind the words and loved it so much. I must admit I'm rather satisfied with my words here, particularly when I know how ungraceful they sounded in the form of a poem.

Again great thank you for letting me know you enjoyed the piece!